Two World Collision

Appealing the Ruling on DADT Enables Bullying

2010-10-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

I've been increasingly disappointed with President Barack Obama lately, particularly because he appealed the federal court ruling that Don't Ask Don't Tell is unconstitutional. I was hopeful, like many, that his Presidency would be a catalyst for justice for LGBT americans. And at first I was patient with the delays and his ever constant excuse that he prefers that change happen via Congress.

But here's my thing. When a federal court judge determines that a policy is unconstitutional - aka unjust and contrary to the values document of our country, and then to make an appeal against such a ruling - to me, that's a very intentional decision to support the continuation of injustice and inequality.

Seriously, how many judges (who by the way, it's their JOB to be objective and impartial) across the country at various levels of government need to rule that something is wrong before people keep asserting that they'd prefer to have Congress (who by the way, are by nature partisan and partial) or even the general population make a vote saying that something is wrong. It's stupid. To me, it has nothing to do with legal process and how something becomes law and how it's better that there's broad public support for something becoming law. If it's wrong, it's wrong. If it's unjust, it's unjust. The very function of a judge is to determine that! And if the President 'claims' that he supports repealing the policy anyway, well then I think it's a total cop-out to pass the buck and say well if all of those people agree, then we'll repeal it. Nevermind a judge.

I'm disappointed because when I voted for him, I had hoped for a leader.

Every time a judge says that discriminating against gays and lesbians is wrong, and then someone else steps in to say, 'Wait a minute! Let's vote on that!' or 'Let's ask someone else about that!' or worse even 'If it's wrong, let's change the constitution so that we can keep doing it!', every time that happens, it further communicates to not only our youth but to everyone else that it's okay to discriminate and treat certain people differently. That's bullying.

So now, with the media attention around teen suicides and anti-gay bullying, and the popular It Gets Better campaign, now the President has the nerve to do an It Gets Better video saying that it's not your fault and that you should reach out to those who support you. I find this highly hypocritical because he fails to realize that Don't Ask Don't Tell and all kinds of other anti-gay discriminatory laws ARE ALL WAYS THAT ENABLE PEOPLE TO BULLY GAY PEOPLE.

Really. And so to intentionally make an appeal of the court's ruling that something is wrong, so that once again, openly gay American soldiers can be bullied into staying in the closet or getting kicked out of the military, well that's just disappointing and frustrating.

Here's what I think. If the Commander-in-Chief ORDERS the military to STOP doing something as simple as treating openly gay and lesbian soldiers/people differently, and instead to treat everyone equally and with respect, regardless of how they may personally feel about such an order, then I believe that our military is capable of following those orders, even in a time of war. It's a cop-out to say that we need to study the impact on military readiness from such a repeal. They'll be ready no matter what.

Since when did military commanders NOT give an order until first they took a poll to see if the troops would like the order or not? That's absurd.

It's not like I think, at the time of the last election, that the alternative would have been any better on this subject. But still, it's disappointing. And i'm not sure he'd have my vote again.

I'd rather have voted for Michelle Obama. Now her - I still love!

But as for President Obama - if it really does get better, then ARE YOU going to help make it better?

Ending the Ban on Gays in the Military

2010-05-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Haha, yeah I know it's been 9 months since my last blog post! While I've kept quite busy with fun and exciting things with Catalyst, a part of me still misses blogging - to process my thoughts on what ever it is I'm thinking about. I wish I had the time to do it more!

I decided to write today because I've been reading about recent and yet long overdue attempts to repeal the ban on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and I had some initial reactions. In a nutshell, I've gathered that opponents to the repeal are concerned about how the ban would effect military life and readiness.

Really?

Who do you think we are? Do gay people cause such sexual chaos that without any formal regulations, we would be free to f*ck anything and everything that moves? If you remove the leash, we'll be like dogs? Even in battle? Even when there is an important job to do?

Consider how offensive that "concern" is. At the very core, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is not about protecting good order. It is more about preserving prejudice than correcting injustice. The "concern" reveals that they would rather assume that gay people are sexual deviants instead of assuming that our military men and women already are people of order and discipline - whether gay or straight.

It is the ban that jeopardizes good order and discipline because it perpetuates an unhealthy, unrealistic, and unfounded fear in its own people. It creates the doubt.

Gay people don't make military weaker. We make it stronger. Gay people don't make the Church less holy. We make it more faithful and graceful. Gay people don't diminish society. We catalyze it.

The fear and concern about how our presence will effect others is counterproductive. Because all of those fears and concerns happen with straight people - and perhaps even more.

Do straight men and women serving in the same unit jeopardize military life and readiness?

The fact is that gay men and women are often leaders. Many of us strive towards excellence. We are good at what we do. My theory is that since growing up in the closet can sometimes make us feel inadequate and unacknowledged and that being gay is not in our control, many of us compensate (perhaps even over-compensate) by working even harder than others to achieve things because that is in our control. We can't choose to be gay. But we can choose what we do - to succeed, to excel, to be fabulous!

Either way, we need gay people to be gay people because the experience of being gay and (for many of us) growing up in the closet makes us thoughtful, innovative, creative, and empathetic leaders in our society.

People should be proud to have us among their corps.

My New Green Space

2009-08-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't been posting regularly here at Two World Collision, I thought I'd point you to my new blog called My New Green Space.

It's a new personal project that I've started in my new rented home. I've got free reign over the backyard and I'm going to be building up a backyard organic garden from the ground up. It'll be fun to do! I'll have a balance of videos of me and friends, pics, and also my own writing to document my progress.

I don't know how often I'll be posting here. You can definitely search the archives to see past posts I've written. And you can also go to the Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community site over at www.TwoWorldCollision.com.

But if you want to follow along with what I'm doing personally beyond my community activities and my gay Christian related activities, come find me over at My New Green Space!

Finding Me at GoCatalyst

2009-08-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

So I know it's been quite awhile since my last blog post here. In fact, this whole year has been pretty quiet here at Two World Collision in terms of having regular blog posts. So I figured I'd write a quick post letting you know I was alive and around and where you can find me.

I've been extremely busy and active the past 8 months with investing my energies with trying to catalyze collaborative communities here in Long Beach with my non-profit organization - Catalyst Community. We have seen much progress - too much to try to cram into this post here. So if you're particularly interested in continuing to journey with me, check out:

Catalyst Blog
The Catalyst Community blog at http://gocatalyst.blogspot.com/. I've documented our work since the start of 2009 so if you piece together all the awesome things happening from the blog posts there, coupled with the periodic posts here at Two World Collision, well then you can kinda get a glimpse of what my life has been like. It's been no doubt an exciting roller coaster ride. But I'll be regularly blogging over there.

Come find me over at Catalyst!

The Passing of a Catalyst

2009-06-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

The world obeserves the passing of Michael Jackson, a catalyst who reinvented pop culture and his own personal world and in the process connected millions of people around powerful messages and affected millions of lives in countless ways.

It must have been so lonely.

See lyrics below in this post . . . .

"Man In The Mirror"

I'm Gonna Make A Change, For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good, Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street, With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard, A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why I Want You To Know

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na, Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me, Pretending That They're Not Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred, Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With Me

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make A Change

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make That . . .

Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror,
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make The Change
You Gotta Get It Right, While You Got The Time
'Cause When You Close Your Heart
You Can't Close Your . . .Your Mind!

That Man, That Man, That Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
That Man, That Man, That Man I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
You Know . . .That Man

No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself And Then Make A Change

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na, Na Nah (Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na, Na Nah (Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On! (Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself You Know
You've Got To Stop It. Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change, Today!
Hoo! (Man In The Mirror)
You Got To, You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . . Hoo! (Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get That Man, That Man . . . (Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To, You've Got To Move! Come On! Come On!
You Got To . . . Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror) Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Aaow! (Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . . Come On! (Man In The Mirror)
You Know It! You Know It! You Know It! You Know . . . (Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Bridging the Gap

2009-06-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

Lately it's been difficult for me to want to maintain bridges (much less build them) between the worlds of faith and sexuality. Honestly, I feel like wounds just keep getting ripped back open and the scabs are barely hardening. Perhaps my heart, too?

My heart isn't hardening towards the Lord. Heck no, I love Him! He's cool. We're cool. It's church folk that I guess I've been growing weary of - both gay and straight. That's probably a whole other blog entry by itself. You may get a sense of where I'm coming from in February's post "The Monkey's Pet Fish" and also April's posts "Through My Eyes", "Outside the Village Walls" and "Disrespectful, But With a Smile".

But when it comes to the idea of bridge building within the Church between those who hold a traditional perspective and those who hold an inclusive perspective regarding being gay, I'll admit that my initiative has sharply declined the past several months. Our local bridge building efforts (see Oct, Nov, Dec posts here) seems to have been on pause - I guess we're all busy (that's the easy excuse).

I think what brought us to a screeching halt was when it began to become an unsafe place for me. I say that because I was helping to drive our efforts forward and so when I hit the breaks, no one else took the initiative. I felt personally attacked and undermined by one person and the result was me feeling unqualified to be part of such bridge building dreams. Before that, we had been experiencing some really exciting relational breakthroughs. He drove me back into the closet as he reminded me of my shame.

I do believe, however, that we can resume our bridge building efforts. The vision of the Coalition of Bridge Builders is to see the broader Church engage in a productive and safe dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals within our community. We started our efforts with churches and organizations. I wonder if we could resume with starting with individuals first. Our initial approach was to connect with the senior pastors but our efforts quickly became event driven, rather than relationship driven. Perhaps we can invest our energies with a coalition of individuals who are open to entering this dialogue - a productive and safe one. Individuals like Wendy Gritter at Bridging the Gap and everyone taking part in today's synchroblog event.

If we can catalyze individuals from the ground up, then the conversation will inevitably take place among the leaders. But if we only engage the leaders, then it may not filter down to the people. With productive and safe dialogue happening from both ends, then I believe we can see healthy movement.

How can we do this?

I've written before about these things which I'll share with you at the end of this. But first, here are some of my more recent thoughts from my gay Christian perspective and as a bridge builder:

1. A Sense of Safety is Paramount!

Regardless of the positions we take on issues, we have to be sensitive to people feeling safe. Remember that a gay Christian has experienced tremendous historical hurt by the Church. Asking a gay Christian person to engage in dialogue with a straight Christian person about the subject of being gay or the subject of homosexuality (those are two different things) is like asking an abused person to sit next to the person that abused them. I realize that you may not be the actual person that hurt them, but the feelings are still there and it can get pretty raw when it resurfaces. So if we want to keep everyone at the table, then we all need to be sensitive to that.

On the flip side, us gay Christians need to remember that this dialogue isn't therapy. The person next to us or across the table isn't really the person that hurt us. He or she may represent those who hurt us but it's not fair to them. We can't project our anger towards them by inflicting our baggage on to them. Let's remember that they are present - they are there willing to sit with us to have this very important dialogue. That should score points with us.

2. Take Initiative!

If you're a straight Christian person willing to be in this dialogue, it's a huge gesture for us to see you take the step forward into the gap. The reason is because from a gay person's perspective, we have routinely experienced people stepping away from us. We are all too familiar with rejection. So if you would take the initiative in reaching out toward us, then we're more likely to step forward to join you in the gap.

If you're a gay Christian person willing to be in this dialogue, we ultimately have to choose to step towards the other person as well. I know how we can be really bitter and not want to take any steps forward while expecting the person or group that wronged us to do all the work of making amends. Well, we have to be proactive about our forgiveness too.

3. Elevate the Conversation!

We have to find our common ground. There are numerous things that we might disagree about: tongues, tithing, communion, baptism, leadership roles and worship styles and structures and approaches, or even our interpretations of Scripture about the subject of homosexuality and being gay. But we may agree on the Deity of Christ, the Trinity, salvation by grace through faith, and a number of other core things. We need to elevate the conversation beyond the politics of our differences. We need to elevate the conversation to a broader vision - to see God's people love better. Our goal isn't to enter into debate about the things we disagree on. Our agenda cannot be to try to change the other person's mind. That was the old way and that clearly has served only to divide the Church further. But perhaps through relationship, we can change each others hearts towards one another. And God's Church can again begin to assemble to worship Him.

So with that, I invite you to continue this dialogue at www.TwoWorldCollision.com - a gay and straight collaborative christian community.

Here are articles I've written to help serve this dialogue:

"Building Relationships that Matter: A Framework for Entering the Hot Zone"

"Journey Christians: Beyond the Side A/B/X Framework"

Be sure to check back at Bridging the Gap's blog to see what other bloggers are contributing to the synchroblog event!

Three Lessons Along A Straight Gal's Journey

2009-04-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is a letter written to me by Pat who recently joined our other TWC site - Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community. That's a place for both gay and straight "Journey Christians" to walk with each other beyond the Side A/Side B/Side X framework.

Pat is a straight gal on a journey through this issue and she shares three lessons that she has learned for herself so far. She gave me permission to share her letter with everyone here. Thanks Pat!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there, I'll update my profile later, for now I'll introduce myself a little:

I am a Mexican Catholic straight girl who came to this whole hot zone discussion by complete accident: to make a long story short I stumbled upon Andrew Sullivan's blog, felt totally immersed by it and felt really curious that he was both Catholic and Gay (go figure, I didn't know that was possible) ... fast forward 40 days (I am a little obsessive person) and now I know about "reparative therapy" the damages of reparative therapy, the possible biological link to homosexuality, gay sheep, marriage laws in the states, anti-gay propaganda, gay parents, gay struggle, gay kids suicide rate, bible passages, etc.

Names that only yesterday meant nothing to me like "Nicolosi", "Alan Chambers" and "Jon Cameron" or "Mel White", "Boswell" and "Mychal Judge" ring bells for me now, whether for disapproval or approval.

I have become an avid reader of Box Turtle Bulletin, Warren Throckmorton, Gay Christian Network, Ex Gay Watch, The Marin Foundation and, of course, your blog.

Through this journey I have learned three things so far:

First Lesson: That we all as Christians have a VERY big obligation to the Truth. If the first commandment is to love, I would say that the second commandment is to restlessly pursue the truth, no matter where the truth takes us. We cannot get comfortable by "just knowing". When we don't actually know, we must investigate, look, knock, ask, call. Every truth comes from the Holy Spirit, and I dare say that no matter WHO says something (a church, a president, a reverend, a priest or even, gulp, the Pope), if we find out that what is being said is false, then that is not possibly coming from the Holy Spirit.

Second Lesson: I am convinced now that being gay is not a choice, and since it is not a choice, it cannot be (substantially at least) changed. And all our following judgments about the question should take that as a premise.

Third Lesson: A constant I have found with all the anti-gay propagandists is that they lie. I'm not talking about what they believe, I am talking about plain and simple ignorance or distortion of the facts. The bare facts. So that makes them really suspect in my book. The other thing is that they are usually very very spiteful people.

So that's it, I don't know where this journey will further take me, I know that I want to do something, but I don't know what exactly. So joining this network is a start, I guess.

Pray for me! And congratulations on your courage! (great web design by the way!)

love,

Pat.

Green Long Beach! Festival 2009

2009-04-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day everyone!

In recognition of all things "green", I thought I'd write a post today on the Green Long Beach! Festival. This will be Catalyst's first big city-wide event as we co-host the festival. I've been serving as the Logistics Coordinator and it's been keeping me quite occupied! But I'm having a blast and I'm working with a terrific team!

Check us out at www.greenLB.org!

Tweet with us at http://twitter.com/greenlb!

Find us on Facebook here!

Disrespectful But With a Smile

2009-04-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna say this upfront - I reserve the right to vent on my own blog.

That said . . . . what the frickin' hell!?

I'm serious! I mean, really, how in the world can straight "professing Christians" smile with arrogance and then slap me in the face and think that they are doing the Lord's "good work"? I probably shouldn't say "Christians" because some of the people there were cool. It's more like this particular pastor of A Village Community here in Long Beach.

I literally wiped my feet on the mat, not before entering this "house of worship" but rather AS I LEFT this place.

"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town." - Matthew 10:14

All through the service I kept mentally shaking my head at the things I was hearing . . . .

The whole service was about asking questions. People were asked to text message their questions. The pastor even started off with talking about "us having a conversation with each other." But instead of a discussion about the value of having questions or that we sometimes ask the wrong questions or what are the right kind of questions or at the very least having a discussion about the question - like I suppose I was expecting from this kind of a topic - instead, the pastor read off a question, answered it himself, then read off another question, then answered it himself, then read off another question, then answered it himself.....blah blah blah.

I mean seriously, who does he think he is that he's got all the answers according to his worldview?

And here's the kicker. After reading off a question that said, 'Does God love believers more than He does unbelievers?' he arrogantly and resolutely "ANSWERED" with an emphatic "YES".

Seriously. He said that there is scriptural evidence to suggest that God chooses some and does not choose others and that He loves some and does not love others. Seriously.

Now, yes, there's context to this whole thing. But that's still the bottom line of what he was saying. And I'm not saying that I don't believe in a distinction between "God's people". I understand that as well as the "setting apart" of them. But in this discussion about "questions" I was absolutely dumbfounded that it didn't even occur to this pastor or anyone else that perhaps that was the WRONG question to ask. I mean, really, do you really want to talk about how God loves some people but not other people? Was that the "message from God" for today?

It didn't even occur to him that perhaps the better question to ask instead of 'Does God love believers MORE than He does unbelivers?' but rather would have been better to ask 'How does God want me to love both believers AND unbelievers?' That would have been a question God would answer. I mean, how many times did Jesus NOT answer a stupid question? SO MANY times! Why? Because people asked the wrong question.

But no. Instead of reframing the question, he stayed on that direction to go on and on about God's sovereignty to love whomever He chooses and to NOT love whomever He chooses. Why, did this pastor say? So that the ones He chooses to love could FULLY APPRECIATE the love. So that the ones He chooses to love could see the contrast. Seriously. He spoke about an exclusive love. No empathy or compassion for those outside of God's love. Just that those whom God chooses to love should appreciate being chosen.

I also wondered why the pastor wasn't coming up to me to shake my hand or welcome me during the entire service - particularly since there was literally 12 people in the room and there was a 'say hello to your neighbor' time and also two times where everyone broke up into tiny groups to discuss stuff. There were times when he could have said hello. I wondered if he recognized me because we had met once or twice YEARS ago while I was with that faith-based non-profit that I co-founded. But maybe he didn't recognize me. Yet still he chose not to greet or welcome the obvious ONLY newcomer.

At the close of the service, he prayed a prayer of just accepting truth in faith. Um, the truth that HE just presented? Without question? Without doubt? The prayer was to accept it even when it was hard to accept. His answers. His truth. His interpretation. His worldview. I seriously thought this, but during the prayer it really felt like it was a brainwashing. But this wasn't a cult out in some remote ranch. This was a church just like most in the city.

So then after the service when everything was done and over with, he walked up to me saying my name, 'Eric, you remember we met before.' And I was completely friendly and saying that it was good to see him and he asked a couple probing questions about what I was doing now. I told him about Catalyst Community and I told him about the Green Long Beach! Festival and that some from his church were having a booth and selling T-shirts. I told him about some of the good things we're doing in the community. I didn't say anything gay-related.

He wasn't interested in what I was doing now though. He wanted to probe because he had thought I was a pastor. I told him that I encouraged some communities of gay Christians to feel supported because there are so many that want to worship but are being rejected out of their own congregations. But no I said I wasn't a pastor. And in that context of conversation, he began to say what he really wanted to say which was that he wanted to make it CLEAR that they were not an "affirming" congregation.

(And in my head, I'm thinking why is this relevant? I didn't bring up the gay thing, he did. And if he didn't know me before this, he wouldn't have even known that I was gay.)

Really? I'm here visiting your church and was actually looking for a place to start going to regularly and the welcome sales pitch is to make it CLEAR that they were not a place that thinks "gay" is okay. Really? And after me telling you that there are SO MANY CHRISTIANS who are gay that WANT TO WORSHIP JESUS but are being REJECTED out of their OWN CONGREGATIONS, you feel it necessary to talk about the gay pride parade and how there are churches in the parade that are affirming of "the lifestyle" and there are churches on the side that are holding picket signs and yelling "burn," and you want to tell me that your church represents "neither" but that you want to make it CLEAR that "we are not affirming"? Really? That's what you want to tell me?

And after saying these things to me, he started saying with a smile, "That's my main concern. I wanted to make that clear." After he said that a couple times, I thought it was odd. It seemed out of context. So I inquired, "wait, sooooo, what's your CONCERN?" I asked genuinely with a 'I don't get it' tone. I wasn't saying anything about anything gay regarding me and this congregation. And he said, "well the festival. If we're going to have a booth, I wanted to make it CLEAR that we're not affirming." So I was like, "but the festival is a GREEN festival. You know, GREEN as in, the environment? The festival is about encouraging people about sustainability and how to use energy efficiently and to talk about recycling." And he was like, "oh."

"Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy." Ezekiel 16:49

Who's the Sodomite?

So now as I think back to the lack of welcome and the lack of eye contact and the messages that God loves the believer and NOT the unbeliever and the closing prayer to accept the truth and the intentional effort to make it CLEAR (his words) that they were not an affirming church . . . . I get the sense that it was all because he did recognize me right from the beginning. Remember, there were only 12 people present. I was clearly the newcomer.

After he realized that I was helping to organize logistics for a GREEN festival, he said his goodbyes to me, stepped back and away to assemble his post-church service meeting (which was actually a debrief of their 'outreach project').

I said my friendly goodbyes to the folks I met, started shaking my head and wiped my feet at the front door as I LEFT them.

What a freakin' arrogant hypocrite.

So I drove home just pissed and angry and mad at how disrespectful he was but with a smile. I'm SURE he has NO CLUE as to how offensive he was. And I'm SURE he has NO CLUE as to how he hurt me and his own witness.

By the time I got home, still mad, the first thing I saw when I turned on the television was the ending speech from Sigourney Weaver in "Prayers For Bobby" (see below) and by the time she hugged her son/that kid at the side of the parade I was literally balling my eyes out just crying like really really heavy tears.

I mean, seriously, why can't I just go to a church service with other people that love Jesus and not leave feeling worse than I did when I arrived? (And no, maybe I don't want to always go to a church where the congregation are mostly gay.)

As far as I've gone on this journey, I'm still surprised at how this still affects me the way it does. I still take it very personally, the Church's rejection of gay people, because my own story of suicide is very real and relevant to me. And I was the one who gave THEM a chance. I freakin' allowed myself, yet one more time, to go into a place knowing that these freakin' Christians might freakin' hurt me freakin' again. AGAIN! It still affects me profoundly and as strong as I think I am, they still freakin' make me cry every time.

Damn it.

Break the cycle of hurt. Go to www.TwoWorldCollision.com.

Choosing to Love

2009-04-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

This is a letter written by my straight Journey Christian friend Becky to a pastor in response to a comment he had made about gays:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The truth is, you never know how you are going to react to something until it is close to you.

Whether or not I think being gay is right or wrong is not the issue. This is an issue of love. How we choose to love and respond when people are being hurt and treated as being something less than human . . . .

There was a day when I had to make a choice. I chose to listen to the stories. A story about a young man just beginning his life who was hung on a fence post to die. Why? And what makes it even more horrifying is that "Christians" to this day still protest saying this boy is now in HELL...I refuse to believe that.

Then there was another story about a friend of mine who loved the LORD with all of his heart, who had to leave his church and the youth group he loved..for many reasons... but mostly because he feared the reactions of his fellow Christians should they find out he was gay.

There were friends who do not want to leave their house because of how they have been treated. Humans who believe that they should not be on this earth!

There was a close friend who lived in fear, every day of his life. Fear that he would be "found out", always looking over his shoulder if he chose to go out with friends. Who might see him in the "gay" district. I began to ask myself why there was even a "gay" district in cities. I related it to biblical times when so many Christians were persecuted and had to go live in groups together in hiding to get away for the hatred and abuse. They could not tell anyone who they were for fear of losing their lives.

So, therefore I chose to listen and be a positive force in place where people feel like darkness sounds them everyday. I chose to be light in the darkness. I want to make the darkness and pain go away for my friends. I want to go to the places I believe JESUS would be. HE would be with the broken, hurt and suffering. HE would be with the people who have been abused, and all in the name of the Lord.

I had to make a choice a number of years ago when 3 very close and dear friends of mine all came out to me in what seemed a matter of days. I had two options, one was to hurt them, alienate them and leave them alone. The other was that of LOVE. That no matter what, I would love them through my actions, to accept them and everyone right where they were at. Was it right or wrong? I don't know, but I would allow God to be God and if it were wrong then He would convict my friends. My job was to have no agenda, to love them right where they were at, as hard as that may be. What grew out of that decision, both filled me with love and also shocked me.

One time I accompanied my friend to the "gay district" and I met a man who told me he hated "Christians", hated everything about them. I told him that I was one of those people he hated. He asked why I was there then? I explained to him how I had no agenda, that I was there with my friend, to support him. It was amazing how that turned him around and we talked for hours about everything. I questioned him and began to dig deeper, and found out that he had a great sense of who God was and knew that God was bigger than the universe. Before we went our separate ways that night he said to me that I seemed "different", a good different, different than most people. I just smiled, knowing what it was. It was an 'aha' moment for me, I felt shalom come over me. That is exactly what I wanted. I want to be different, I want to be a Christian without ever having to say I am. Without ever having to quote from the Bible. I just want people to see something different in me, and that being Jesus Christ.

That was not the only occasion, afterward gay people seemed to be everywhere. I had to reexamine what I was forced fed. Here is what I know, I believe that everyone was created equally in God's image. That He loves everyone the same, and that it does not matter what someone has done, is doing, or will do for He knows all.

I have become extremely passionate about erasing the stereotypes that are often held against the gay community. Yes, there are gays who do go out the bar, just like many straight people. There are gays who do sleep around with many sexual partners, just as do many straight people. There are gays who refuse to walk in the way of the Lord, as do many straight people. So why does our society deem it "normal" when straights do these things and "perverted" of gays?

In the end, it does not matter to me if a friend of mine is gay or straight, they are my friend. Unless of course they were endangering their life, I would let them know and beg them to stop, gay or straight.

I have come to realize that people are people, no matter what their sexual preference may be, no matter what their denomination or religion, no matter the color of their skin.

I contend that if my beliefs are wrong that I will be shown that in one way or another from God. I believe that HE is the ultimate judge....it is up to HIM, not me nor any other human being.

The Pharisees are mentioned many times in the Bible. I remember the story of one of the Pharisees inviting Jesus to dinner and the Pharisees being upset because Jesus did not wash before the meal. Jesus tells them that they clean the outside but the inside is full of greed and wickedness. In many ways that is not too far off from so many Christians of today. We look great and "clean" on the outside, we go to Church services on Sunday and forget about "Church" the rest of the week.

I recently watched a movie called Prayers for Bobby! It was a true story about a young gay boy growing in a conservative Christian household, with a mother who was misguided by what she was taught. She made her own son feel like he was nothing. She would tell Bobby he was going to hell, and that she would never accept him, ever and neither would GOD! After years of struggle, Bobby ends up taking his own life. It is not until after his death that his mother realizes what she had done. She found his journal and read of the struggles he had, how he prayed endlessly to change and how he questioned GOD. It was then that she too began to question, how could a beautiful, loving boy like her son be damned to hell? In the end she realizes that the judging should have been left to GOD, not her, nor any other human. She knew she was partially responsible for what happened to her son because of her close-minded thinking. Her fight to change that thinking continues to this day.

In the end, it does not matter what I think or what anyone else out there thinks. To me it only matters what GOD thinks. I believe that JESUS loves us all the same. His love is unchanging for everyone. I think that if we focused on what we had in COMMON with one another, instead of the differences, then we could live in true COMMUNITY as we were meant to live! I do not know what made GOD lay this topic on my heart? But, he did and I can feel in the core of my bones. It has allowed me to learn so much about myself and who I was created to be. To understand what it means to be a Christian and love one another unconditionally. To show people love through my actions. I believe that love really does win!!!! Love is a choice and I choose to love! Love wins.

Becky O F

Romans 15v4-6

"If you judge others you will have no time to love them."~ Mother Teresa

"Before you echo 'Amen' in your home or place of worship, think and remember...a child is listening." Mary Griffith.

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If you are a straight Christian who, like Becky, thinks that expressing genuine love is more important than the divisive politics of the Church's homosexuality debate, then join us at Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community and find out what it means to be a "Journey Christian."

Outside the Village Walls

2009-04-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

So I happened to see a post card flyer of an event called "the Murder Jesus Project" that i was thinking about checking out tonight. It's hosted by A Village Community, a local Long Beach church. I spent an hour checking out their web sites and watching many of their videos. Here's the one on that project:

From what I could see from many of their creative videos is that they welcome people on life's journey. I found myself wondering if this village community of believers even had the capacity to walk with these kinds of people. Attracting them to the church is one thing, but what happens once they've "attended"? I wonder how willing this village community is to really journeying with us or if they simply wanted to bring people in for an event.

I noted, by the way, that their stated spiritual beliefs is just a link to the Missionary Church denomination and I enjoyed reading about their beliefs that "homosexual activity, like adulterous relationships, is clearly condemned in the Scriptures". Who knows if this particular local church agrees with their denomination mother ship but their site doesn't say otherwise. Would that mean that I'm not welcome in their village community?

And so why would I want to set myself up by trying to join their village only to have them set me outside the village walls once they get to know the real me? Or worse, allow me inside the village square without inviting me into their homes.

[enter sarcasm] And people think of the gay community when they think of the sin of Sodom? (Ezekiel 16:49)

(I know, it sounds like I'm pre-judging this local church but i'm more commenting on mainstream churches in general. I'm still gonna check them out tonight.)

In describing my own journey, I'll often talk about not being a part of an institutional church because I have a different paradigm of "Church" - that Church is the community of believers connected by Spirit and relationship, not a place to go or a thing to do. We are the Church. And i'll often justify not going to a sunday "service" because i'll say that i'm in regular community with believers.

That's not been the case so much these past few months. I've kept myself occupied trying to do good things in the community and I've actually had a great time getting to know many folks in the creative communities and even the green communities. But the truth is, I've been out of fellowship and the next time someone asks me what church I "go" to, I'll probably respond authentically with "I don't".

I've been talking to Jesus about it actually. It's just that I don't connect with or resonate with much of what I see from many churches. I've been around too long and so I can see right through the gimmicks. It just turns me off. And what's more, I'm kinda bugging over people who say one thing but don't follow through. I'd like to see a community of believers who were investing in mutually knowing each other - both regulars and newcomers instead of being content with simply seeing each other at events.

I know tomorrow is Easter. I've no idea what I'll do. And my family decided not to get together for the traditional lunch gathering. It's easy for them to decide that when they all have their own families to be with - spouse and kids and in-laws. I don't have that just yet, being single and all. They are my only family.

I'm not too keen on attending an Easter service either when I barely even go on any other sunday.

You get that I'm not all that concerned with presenting a super gay Christian image, right? This is just me (today), unapologetically.

Either way, me and Jesus are still sticking around doing our thing.

Through My Eyes

2009-04-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

I really was not expecting to tear up and cry while here at work after seeing this again.

My own story rings clearly for me and while I hear clips of their stories, they sound so much like mine. (see "Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher").

I suppose I teared up this morning because I've been feeling kinda alone in recent weeks - for a lot of reasons, really. But after seeing the trailer for Through My Eyes, GCN's recently released project documentary of young Christians wrestling with the issue of being gay and of homosexuality in the Church, I found that it stirred up a lot of those familiar emotions and memories of searching for connection and never seeming to find it.

These days, I busy myself with helping others to connect. I've been working non-stop on the Catalyst Community (www.GoCatalyst.org) and the Green Long Beach! Festival (www.greenLB.org) the past three months. Not to mention my other project, the Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community site (www.TwoWorldCollision.com) as well as many of the other collaborative communities and coalitions that I've been trying to help catalyze. These are all reasons why I haven't blogged here so frequently.

But in working so hard to help others connect, the heart of where that comes from is my own desire and need to connect - to feel connected. I long for reciprocity. And I appreciate the few truly mutual friendships that I do have in my life. It's just hard when relationships seem to come and go or fade before a root takes hold. What's harder is trying - really trying - not to internalize this pattern as my fault. Or perhaps it is. Or some of it.

Regardless of the reasons why or what the pattern means, at the end of the day I still find myself alone.

In thinking about these stories of young Christians who live and/or wrestle with being gay, what resonates for me is the fact that we want to connect. We want to live in faithful Christ-centered community. But when our churches reject us, what more do we have left?

A pastor asked me once regarding me not having a home church and asked if there was a community of believers who missed me when I wasn't present. The interesting thing is that after attending services at that church, no one acknowledged that I was present in the first place. And after subsequently discontinuing attendance at those services, I've not heard from the pastor. It's hard to miss someone you didn't realize was there.

So I suppose the answer to the question is "no."

The Monkey's Pet Fish

2009-02-01T14:56:00.001-08:00

I was having one of those "ugly" cries. You know that gross tears flowing out of my eyes with snot dripping from my nose and lips quivering into an upside down smile with cheeks tightened up. That kinda cry. It was one of those "ugly" cries.

Not cute.

I was driving on the freeway this morning when it happened, on my way to a church service at Newsong in Irvine, California. There's a few reasons why this is significant to me. For starters, it's a predominantly Asian congregation. Secondly, it's a predominantly straight congregation. Thirdly, it's a bit of a mega-church. If you've followed my story these past couple years you'd know that these are definitely outside of my comfort zone.

But the Lord, in His hilarity and divine plan, was sending me here and I knew exactly what was up His sleeve. I just didn't necessarily like the fact that I had to be the one, once again, to go do the thing that absolutely challenged my sense of courage and security.

I was having a breakthrough there in the car this morning. And that breakthrough was the realization that I was afraid of God's people. I've never been afraid of God. He's always been trustworthy and consistently by my side. He's my friend. But it's God's people that I fear, at times. Because much of the profound hurt that I've experienced in my life was connected in some way to God's people, my own brothers and sisters in Christ. Ironic.

I wasn't crying because of the fear though. I was crying because realizing the truth that many people are afraid of Christians and see them as unsafe hurt-ers instead of heal-ers makes me sad and (I think) grieves the Spirit . . . .(read more)

For the major part of my life I've experienced ethnic shame for being Filipino. I didn't like being Asian nor did I feel like I connected with other Asians. I experienced racial prejudice with slurs directed at me while at a very young age and I responded by internalizing that hatred. Until recent years, having come out of the closet, the Lord has done much healing in me in that area of my life. Particularly since the Lord had begun a process in me of learning how to love myself as I am, the way He does. And so I've found myself growing - becoming more and more comfortable around Asians and even being able to look in the mirror.

Going to the service at Newsong was also going to be the first time since coming out that I was going to be investing in relationships with straight people in a church fellowship. When I came out, I had primarily been visiting with and getting to know people in congregations where the majority of people were gay. But this morning, I wasn't simply visiting a "straight" church because of an invitation or because I was church hopping. Before I even experienced a sunday morning service at Newsong, the Lord had already been telling me that I was supposed to go and invest in relationships there. So whether or not my first impression was great or terrible, I already knew going in that I was going to keep coming.

The fact that this was a church with resources and lots of people and that God was sending me here didn't make me feel comfortable either. My paradigm of Church has always been that "church" was not a "place to go to" or a "thing to do". I believe that we are the Church - the web of relationships that comprise God's family who live out a lifestyle of faith, and so if we are to experience this community fully, we have to see past the man-made structures and begin to see a Church without walls. ("Jumping the Walls" and "Band of Brothers and Sisters" describes my paradigm of Church further.) But one of the things that I liked hearing about Newsong beforehand was that they taught about similar themes regarding the Church without walls. It would be interesting to see how this looked within the context of a mega-church structure - to see if the substance of relationships in community was present as evidence of those who lived out this "Church without walls" paradigm. Nevertheless, the things I had been told about Newsong before coming to a service was refreshing.

So there I was crying in the car talking with God about how He always seems to send me to uncomfortable places. The reality is that I'm just always willing to go where He is. He's taken me to some very interesting places in my life and they were all places where He was already actively working among the hearts of people there. And so here He was again, sending me to an Asian Straight Mega-Church. My God's a comedian and He thinks He's funny.

The point isn't that Newsong is fine and great and that God is working through them to minister to others. I'm sure that's happening but that's not what I'm talking about. The point is that God has been actively working on the hearts of people here at Newsong and He wanted me to witness it and possibly even be a part of it. I don't know exactly what that looks like but if indeed He's preparing their hearts to enter into friendly non-combative relationships with gay people as a different approach to the historically hostile approach towards them, then heck yeah I'll keep myself in proximity to wait for God's prompting or call on me to share my heart and life.

I can be pretty critical of the Church in general with all of it's institutional surface relationships that come in arrogantly and hypocritically with best intentions of helping poor needy souls. It's like the Church has a savior complex. But I'm not simply critical of the Church. I can see what the Church can be - effective ambassadors of reconciliation, once again. We're not that now. But we can be. I've often written and spoken about these things. But here, this morning, I could be in the very uncomfortable situation of being part of God's answered prayer. It's not enough for me to talk about how the Church needs to change while in the comfortable safe spaces of fellowship with people like me. No, if I was going to pray for it, then I have to be willing to be the tangible body that God uses to answer my own prayer. Otherwise, I'd just be complaining.

For several months now, the Lord had been speaking to me about building community among straight Christians who could be loving and supportive of those who are gay. I haven't seen that happening much elsewhere in the conservative evangelical world. For two years, the Lord had me investing in relationships with gay people and even catalyze a tangible sense of community among gay Christians. Now it seems the Lord would have me do similar things with straight Christians. And already knowing the character and trend of God in my own life, I can see how these two communities of gay and straight Christians can eventually be brought together - not through program or agenda but rather through relationship.

If that's what He's up to, then I'll go and do whatever He wants me to do. Even if that means going to a community of straight Asian Christians and for the first time offering myself authentically right from the start. I would make no effort to advertise the fact that I'm gay but I would make no effort to hide the fact either. I would allow myself to be known (organically and in due time) as the man that I am and if God sparks relationship between me and others then I trust that it will be mutually edifying.

But this comes with huge emotional and relational risk. I've no idea how I'll be received. I can say that the two people from this congregation that I've shared a meal with - dinner with the Life Development Pastor and lunch with the Small Groups Director - both received me with love and generous hearts. And I can call them friends. But I've got my share of baggage. My hope is simply to be known in safe ways and to know others in safe ways.

Honestly, though, I don't enter into this without my own hypocrisy. I speak a lot about the need for reconciliation and for the most part I've seen that in my life more and more. But very recently, only a week and a half ago, a friend that I've known for almost ten years betrayed my trust and I've been having a difficult time forgiving him - much less giving him the time of day or releasing his "blocked" status from my Facebook.

Boy, I'm telling you that actually living out this life with Jesus is tough! It's one thing to go through the motions on Sunday morning but it's absolutely another thing to be owning His life as mine.

The pastor at Newsong Church is Dave Gibbons. I don't know too much about his celebrity but I gather that the work and ministry that he's done for the Lord has been noticed in evangelical Christendom. He's also got a new book out called "The Monkey and the Fish: Liquid Leadership for a Third Culture Church" which I'm very interested in reading since much of what I've heard has resonated with my paradigm of Church. This morning, he shared several points with the congregation while introducing the eastern story of The Monkey and the Fish. In a nutshell, the story tells of a typhoon raging and the monkey who sees the fish in the water. With good intentions, the monkey tried to "save" the fish by picking it up out of the water. The pet fish died and the monkey is an idiot. (That last part was my own, sorry Dave.)

So when I think about the Church on the issue of gays both in the congregation and in the community, some people can be a big monkey trying to help their pet fish and just makes things worse.

Ex-gay programs, exorcisms, reparative therapy, ex-communication from church or being disowned from the family.

The Church has left in its wake people like me who cry on the way to their precious "church services" or on the way home or in the shower or any where else where we feel completely alone.

But we are no one's pet and none of us wants to be someone's project.

While Dave didn't specifically reference the gay thing in his message, I think it can be applied. Straight Christians can do a world of good by simply putting the halo on the shelf, getting in the water, and experiencing empathy for what it's like to be gay - both in the congregation and in the community. In Dave's message, he talked about how this will require people to be in painful adaptation - the notion that it is going to be absolutely uncomfortable, will require a commitment to staying in the water (in relationship), and operating with the truth that Jesus is already present and that it's okay to step aside and just watch.

There's only room for One Savior in this Church.

So let's not mess up what Jesus is doing by throwing ourselves in before assessing how Jesus wants to use us productively.

On the flip side to this whole message is that I feel like God was telling me that not only am I the fish but that God was leading me to be of help to the monkey. It's not about the monkey being productively helpful to the poor fish. It's about the monkey being humble enough to realize that he could possibly use some help from the fish.

But how do you tell a fish that he can help the same monkey that tried to drown him with oxygen in the first place?

I guess that's where I find myself at right now.

I believe that I am a child of God, a member of His Church, who is not only valued and loved but is also useful and qualified for serving in His Kingdom. Am I willing to take the same humble approach of not simply trying to save the Church from its arrogant ways as if I'm some sort of twisted savior, but instead am I willing to build relationship with other straight Christians to actually appreciate their well-intentioned hearts and to earn the kind of trust in these relationships that grants me the privilege of speaking into a person's life?

It's the same approach that I would want from straight Christians to gay people. It seems only fair and reasonable that we would each share a stance of common humility.

Gosh, I can see the transforming power of reconciliation through relationships that God can do in healing His own Church - answering the prayers from both "sides". And what a testimony it could be to the world to show that even the Church can learn to forgive itself.

That kind of credibility would go a long way towards us being seen and even welcomed again as ambassadors of reconciliation.

[Be sure to check out Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community for both gay and straight Journey Christians.]

Ten Lessons Along the Adventure of My Life

2008-12-29T23:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a long and amazing year! What started off to be a year-end blog post ended up becoming way too long to put up here on the blog. So I posted it at our www.TwoWorldCollision.com site for more flexibility.

I begin with talking about the projects that I've been a part of this year. Then I share the details of the amazing summer adventure that I had in August when I ran into a super cute hot buck-naked golden tan blond haired North Carolina guy in the middle of a hawaiian jungle.

It was the adventure of my life and through the experience I pulled out ten life lessons for the journey.

Check it out here:

Two World Collision: Ten Lessons Along the Adventure of My Life

Cheers to an awesome 2008!

Blessings!
Eric

Another Shot Fired

2008-12-23T12:30:00.000-08:00

Another shot fired.

The Pope made a controversial comment that many are interpreting as hostile towards gays. Here's an article from BBC.

[Edit #1: Yeah, I realize the Pope was talking about behavior and not people, but let's be honest. The vast majority of gay and straight people will not make that distinction.]

[Edit #2: I decided to make another edit to the sentences above and below because I can acknowledge that it wasn't consistent with the heart of the message in this post.]

The culture war over beliefs and interpretations about sexuality and justice continue to rage on and both sides will continue their own version of a witch hunt. In the last two months, we've gone from Proposition 8 passing in California, to national protests to repeal Prop 8, to Rick Warren being selected for Obama's inaugural invocation (in my opinion, a premature gesture for the appearance of bridge building without first establishing relationship so that the selection would make sense), to coordinated responses by HRC and other organizations calling on Obama to affirm a commitment to GLBT justice and equality, to the Pope addressing Cardinals and staff (and essentially the world) making more comments against homosexuality.

This war must end.

Dignity and respect has nothing to do with our own personal opinions about things we disagree on. At the very least, we need civility. The ideal would be love, but perhaps that's too much to ask for during this holiday season. Each of us needs to consider the impact of our words - especially if, from our perspective, our intent is good.

We cannot continue to hurt each other.

We must elevate the conversation beyond the politics of our differences. Now more than ever do we need to create a space beyond the framework of "I believe this and you believe that". We need to create a space where we can come together based on what we have in common, not on what we don't have in common. We need people, both gay and straight, willing to become "Journey Christians".

If this is you, then be part of what we're trying to do at www.TwoWorldCollision.com.

Disco Christmas

2008-12-22T15:05:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from me, ate Jayson, Whistler (Michael), Howie, and Earl!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Sock Me in the Stomach Three More Times

2008-12-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

How to Deal with Unrequited Love

The Space Goes Down
by Goodbye Elliott

the space goes down…
sock me in the stomach three more times.
then ride with me into the sun,
forget your plans,
and forget you already have someone

cause grace bestows the morning light,
upon the grace of those who choose,
to live a life, with absolutely nothing to lose.

so sock me in the stomach three more times,
sock me in the stomach three more times,
then walk away and forget, forget, and act just fine.

i think that i'm gonna head for the ocean,
i think that i'm gonna head for the ocean,
and forget, and forget, and forget (i lost you)

so take your ideas of autumn in california,
and leave me with my hopes of what could’ve, should’ve happened,
and don’t care about my dreams
cause nothing is ever what it seems,

so eat your words and drink your lines,
and toast to love and all the good times,
and bless the chase that brought out the best in you,
but the worst in me,
the best in you,
and a few good songs.

then you sock me in the stomach three more times,
you sock me in the stomach three more times,
and walk away and forget, and forget, then act just fine.

i think that i'm gonna head for the ocean,
think that i'm gonna head for the ocean,
and forget, and forget, and forget

cause i don’t want to ruin what you have,
if you're happy that's the plan,
so i guess it comes to you never knowing
how in love with you i am,
and i don’t want to ruin what you have,
cause if you're happy that's the plan,
so i guess it comes to you never knowing
how completely in love i am,

so take your ideas of autumn in california,
and leave me with my hopes of what could’ve, should’ve happened,
and don’t care about my dreams
no nothing is ever what it seems,

I read it. I said it. I stole my momma’s credit. Yeah I’m cool. I’m hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.

lyrics

TWC Featured Question: What Does a Gay Christian Look Like?

2008-12-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

Our next featured question over at our Two World Collision Collaborative Community site is:

"What does a gay Christian look like?"

Instead of a written explanation, I'm interested in seeing this question answered visually. Share your photos of a service project or worship service or anything that shows a gay person living out a lifestyle of faith.

Go here to www.TwoWorldCollision.com to answer the featured question.

Prop 8 - The Musical

2008-12-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

Journey Christians: Beyond the Side A/B/X Framework

2008-11-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

I've often said that we are not alone. Along my own journey, I've been blessed to have encountered straight Christians who have been supportive of my story. That doesn't necessarily mean that they all believed that being gay is or is not a sin. Just that they've all been supportive. As my friend Andy often says, there's a difference between validating a person's experiences (by acknowledging them) and affirming a person's belief system (by sharing them).

If we're ever to elevate the conversation beyond the politics of our differences, we need an alternative space for conservative/traditional straight Christians to be able to walk with us who are either not straight or not conservative or not traditional . . . .

I still maintain that the Side X culture and ex-gay programs do more harm than good. They communicate the mixed message of God's unconditional love with the Church's conditional acceptance, and the historical result of such a culture is that it traumatizes individuals into a closet of shame and secrecy (and suicide) and has left many in its wake feeling spiritually abused. I believe that the Side X culture and ex-gay programs attack our self-esteem, self-image, self-confidence, and self-worth.

[Click here if you are unfamiliar with my use of the Side A, Side B, Side X Spectrum of Perspectives.]

I respect that many of us have a difference of perspective, opinion, and interpretation regarding the issue of faith and sexuality. That's okay. I think the Church needs to learn how to disagree with itself. My pal Ryan and I developed the term "swervemat" to describe "a learning space where one explores various viewpoints of a relevant subject in order to gain perspective."

But what alternative is there for straight Christians who lean more on the Side X part of the spectrum and can't exactly affirm a Side A or Side B stance on the issue but at the same time recognize that the broader Church needs to get away from the terrorism of Side X?

I've come to realize more and more that there are straight and gay Christians who are what I call "Journey Christians". These are believers who don't primarily use the Side A, Side B, Side X framework. For these Journey Christians, they engage in relationships without the lens of sin/not sin. They interact on a completely different plane and paradigm where a person's viewpoint about the issue of being gay and being Christian is less relevant than the fact that every person is worth knowing. And so they are willing to walk with others along the journey of their lives without precondition of purity or shared perspective.

It seems too simplistic for some "Side - ?" Christians to accept that these Journey Christians are simply building relationships on love. It sounds almost too intangible. But the fact remains that they live out the truth of our common faith in Christ with a consistent message of both unconditional love from God and an unconditional acceptance from God's people. They leave the judging to the Judge because they realize that condemning another individual of whom Christ died for is way above their pay grade. As believers, it's simply not our place to do such a thing.

All of us have been charged to love God and to love one another (the Greatest commandments) and then also show others to do the same (the Great Commission). So where ever any of us land on the spectrum of perspectives, it really doesn't matter in light of the fact that we are to engage in authentic relationships that are shaped not by our opinions on issues but rather shaped by our love.

That doesn't seem so hard. What does this look like?

1. Give each other the freedom to journey with God.

We need to keep pointing each other to Christ and get out of the way. We need to restrain ourselves from molding someone into the image of what we think they should be. We need to learn how to walk with one another without telling each other what to do. If we point people to the Counselor, instead of arrogantly counseling them with our own answers, then we more effectively disciple one another how to nurture our direct communication with God. That's more important than simply providing a temporary seemingly good answer. It's better for us to encourage each other to present God with our questions than to seek our friends for the answers. Let go. Trust Jesus enough to talk to His own.

2. Be willing to journey with each other.

Relationships take investment - of time, of energy, of heart. Our challenge is to love beyond our surface interactions and to explore what it looks like to walk through life with one another. Celebrate in each other's joys. Can it be enough for me to be happy that you are happy without the precondition of me agreeing with what you're happy about? Let's support a family member or friend in the things that they are excited about. On the flip side, grieve in each other's sorrows. Life isn't always about celebration. It's a struggle too! Let's share in each other's disappointments. Walking with each other through life means communicating through our actions that we are not alone.

3. Love without agenda.

We are the Church. And as the Church, we are to live a lifestyle of faith beyond the box of our religious routines. Let's explore ways of expressing tangible love. This could include hugging someone or putting your hand on someone's shoulder as they "come out" to you. Show the person tangibly that they are not unclean and that you are not afraid to touch them. Let them know that Christ loves them and that they are worthy to approach God with their questions. Encourage them to invite our Lord into their process. Just love without a (straight/Christian) conversion agenda. Tangible love builds relationship.

4. Subject ourselves to our own mirror

We need to stop looking at what we think is wrong in others and love them without precondition. We can remain humble by continually examining ourselves for correction instead of "lovingly" telling others what they need to correct. I can hardly see your sin because my own huge sin is blocking my view.

5. Experience empathy not pity

There is much hurt in the gay/gay Christian community. If we are to walk with one another, gay or straight, we need to empathize with each other's stories. We need to share in the painful experiences of others so that we can love more sincerely. For too long, the words and actions of God's people has caused hurt in already fragile people and has forced God's loved ones emotionally and spiritually farther away from Him. Cry when I cry. Get mad when I get mad. Show me that you'd rather be on my side instead of a Side A/B/X. It's personal. So get personal. Stand up for me. Don't tolerate it when someone else dehumanizes me. Remind me that Christ's love gives me human dignity. Then model it.

These are some tangible ways that Journey Christians can function above and beyond the Side A/B/X framework. Something has to change. We cannot continue this cyclical war of perspectives within the Church because it is hindering our effectiveness in being a witness of God's love. We cannot continue the Side X culture that communicates an inconsistent message of love. We have to shift the cultural paradigm of the broader Church to one that centers on our common faith in Christ and respects the individual faith journeys of all Christ's believers.

There is a better Way.

Go to www.TwoWorldCollision.com to see a community of Journey Christians.

www.TwoWorldCollision.com

2008-11-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to announce our new domain for our collaborative community web site that we launched last week. So now, you can go to:

http://www.TwoWorldCollision.com

From there, you can have a member profile and connect with others, participate in the discussion forum, advertise your blog, post your own articles, or share web sites, links, and resources that you have found useful for your own journey. Our TWC collaborative community is a place where we all contribute and share parts of our journeys together so that we can encourage more and more people out there that none of us are alone.

Once you're there, be sure to get a member login, then invite your friends! You can even email specific pages to friends too!

I hope to see you there!

TWC Featured Question: Being in the Closet

2008-11-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

We've got a featured question over at our Two World Collision Collaborative Community site. Go on over and share your experiences!

"What are some ways that being in the closet (either now or in the past) has affected the decisions you make now?"

Go here to answer the question or read other responses.

New TWC Collaborative Community

2008-11-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

Three years and four months ago I started Two World Collision to chronicle my journey of reconciling my faith and sexuality. At first I was anonymous and was able to process my raw thoughts about questions and answers, sex and relationships, love and lust, sin and biblical interpretation, the spectrum of perspectives, my paradigm of Church, community and vision.

Along the way my journey towards Christ evolved from seeking clarity to seeking authenticity. In walking with Jesus, I found the peace of God's love and was able to find a cohesion of my two worlds - exploring what it looks like to live a vibrant faith and a healthy sexuality. I say that not in the context that I have achieved those two things, but rather that my direction is shaped by my desire for both those two things.

I still have a lot to learn.

I've had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of ways besides this blog. I've written my story in narrative form. I've told my story through audio podcast interviews. I've shared my story in newspaper publications and magazines. I've given my story on Youtube video. I've contributed my story on other web sites. I've even shared my story at public events (which I'm hoping to do more!). I'm currently working on sharing my story in a series of three books (stay tuned and pray for me in that please).

But along the way of sharing my story more and more openly and authentically, I've encountered so many friends on this same path with Christ. We've discovered that we are not alone.

For some time now, I've wanted to make a shift here at Two World Collision from me telling my story to you telling your story. I've been humbled to have received emails from around the world these past three years from people who have read my blog, cried, related, and reached out to me. It's been amazing to see what God has done through this. I've also encountered fellow bloggers who are also sharing their story. We all have a story. We all can find some parts of someone else's story that we can relate with. I think it's important for people out there to realize that there are people like you and I who have reconciled our faith and sexuality or that there are others on a similar journey. There are too many of us that feel alone.

So I decided to establish a space for us to build a sense of community with fellow sojourners. Alas, I am proud to announce the evolution of the Two World Collision blog to the Two World Collision Collaborative Community. It's a web site where we all help shape. Each of us contributes content to it - our stories, our blogs, our videos, our artwork, our research, our reviews and anything else we have found helpful for our own journeys so that we can pass it along to help someone else's journey. It's also a place where we can talk through discussion boards, connect with others through their profiles, and share photos.

Don't worry, I'll still have this blog to process my own thoughts and share vision.

So go ahead! Get on over to "our" space at http://twoworldcollision.wetpaint.com!

And be sure to use the "Invite" to tell your friends to join us too!

Elevating The Conversation

2008-11-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

People are talking. People are shouting. People are texting. People are blogging. People are facebooking. People are YouTubing.

We are all experiencing our own reactions after last week's passing of Proposition 8 in California ranging from anger, outrage, sadness, fatigue, frustration and motivation. And we're all trying to find ways of processing what's happened - of appreciating the gravity of what has happened. What seemed to be such a loss for us, having one of our constitutional rights eliminated from us by 52% of voters, is proving to be a catalyst for an unstoppable grassroots organic movement for Marriage Equality.

The conversation is happening and the seeds for bridge building are being planted.

The nation is entering a sort of Hot Zone - "that place of conversation where the issue of gays and family are no longer the taboo subject". The fabulous pink elephant has burst its way out of the closet and into national attention and it's forcing people to finally consider the question that they previously preferred never to think or talk about:

Should my gay neighbor, friend, or family member have the right to marry whomever they choose despite my own beliefs about marriage?

We have been called to mobilize in order to advance the conversation. We have been called to gather in order to elevate the conversation . . . .

There needs to be systemic change and a cultural shift in our society. As we advance the conversation in every household asking our neighbors to hear us, consider us, and to empathize with us, in our lifetime we will see the American experiment of liberty prove itself faithful to its citizens once again.

Once it was clear that Prop 8 passed, protests of hundreds and thousands each erupted almost daily throughout the state of California immediately after the election. And now the first nation wide and global response has arrived, 6 months after the California Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to have two "separate but equal" designations for relationships. Today, Saturday, November 15, 2008 at City Halls in every state throughout the country, as well as in other countries around the world (Australia, Belgium, Canada, China, France, Japan, The Netherlands, Portugal, Puerto Rico, and the UK), we come together for a simultaneous protest against Prop 8 and in support of our neighbors. Go to Join The Impact here.

While 52% of voters chose to approve of it, the world continues to rally together to say, "what the hell were you thinking?"

So let's get our heads out of the sand and have some much needed conversation. Advancing the conversation brings it to the forefront. Elevating the conversation changes the impact.

On one front, political activists and organizers are working together to advance the conversation - to bring the issue to national attention. On another front, the relational catalysts are working together to elevate the conversation - to build bridges between communities that disagree so that a productive and safe dialogue can emerge - the kind that will end this war.

Now more than ever do we need to elevate the conversation within the broader Church regarding GLBT individuals in our congregations and in our communities. I am part of a Coalition of Bridge Builders that is facilitating a safe and productive dialogue between those who are both conservative (traditional) and inclusive (accepting) on this issue.

For the last two months, we started with two round table discussions with pastors and leaders from both the conservative and inclusive groups. (Read about the September session here and the October session here.) We discovered that there is a common willingness to stay in the conversation, and even further, to attempt to elevate the conversation beyond the politics of our differences.

These are some very good initial steps considering it began during the YES/NO campaigns for/against Prop 8 before the election, and now we're trying to figure out how to encourage people to stay in the conversation after the election - raw emotions and all!

We realize that both groups need a preparatory process in order to get to a point of being ready to engage in a safe and productive dialogue with each other. We are honoring this process by being patient with it - allowing time for trust and relationship to build within each group, then to begin to build trust and relationship with the other group.

We're using this bridge building framework to elevate the conversation:

1. Common Ground - shifting our focus towards the things that we do have in common.

2. Common Grace - meeting together in a space of humility and the Greatest Commandments - to love God and one another.

3. Common Purpose - working for the same mission, the Great Commission of making disciples of Christ and his love.

This conversation is not debate. On the contrary, I believe that if we can reframe this controversial issue, then we can elevate the conversation to something safe and productive.

While the national and global protest happens simultaneously today at City Halls around the nation and world, the Coalition of Bridge Builders will be doing our part by having a day of two follow up events. The first, during the morning and afternoon (as the protests happen) the conservative group of pastors, leaders and lay leaders will come together for an event called "Elevating the Conversation" that will help them to reframe the way they approach GLBT folks in their ministry context.

It is during this time, after lunch, when I will have the opportunity to share my story and journey of being both gay and Christian with about 60 conservative church leaders (who likely voted Yes on Prop 8), and then field their questions (or dodge their stones). Yikes!

My heart would really love to be at City Hall here in my city of Long Beach, CA along with the rest of my brothers and sisters around the world speaking out in protest. But at the same time, my spirit tells me that I'm needed elsewhere for a different role with my other brothers and sisters of the faith to hopefully catalyze a sense of empathy for our stories and lives. So on two fronts, we cry out for dignity, demand justice, and ask that our sibling rivalry come to an end.

Our second follow up event will come this evening for a dinner gathering of inclusive pastors, leaders and lay leaders. This will be an opportunity of building relationship and trust among other like-minded people who share the hurt and anger and excitement for the times we are currently in. Our goal in this fellowship is that each leader would choose to be willing to stay in the conversation and not to detach because of the hurt. We are a community wounded by our spiritual brethren, and it's all too easy for us to check out.

The reason why I am staying in the conversation (besides the fact that God is prompting me to) is the realization that if no one is in conversation, then nothing changes in the church. In order for any kind of bridge building to take place, both sides of that bridge need to be present. We have to be present so that we can make sure our hurt is acknowledged, our stories are heard, and our witness of God in our lives is undeniable.

Whether building bridges with church leaders, your neighbors, your family members, your co-workers, or anyone else in the community of whom you disagree with, will you stay in the conversation?

This war must end.

I see a two-pronged approach to ending these battles that have been leaving too many casualties behind. Together, political activists and organizers who are working to advance the conversation so that the issue can be brought to the forefront, and also relational catalysts who are working to elevate the conversation so that the issue can be reframed in a way that leads to safe and productive dialogue.

The trust for each other and those at the other end of the table is a gradual process that will be earned and given in time. However, we all trust God - that at the end of the day, He's very much concerned with bringing unity within His Church.

Just like the Marriage Equality Movement is advancing across the country because of California's successful mobilization, our bridge building efforts to facilitate this dialogue here, will advance among churches across the country.

We just need to show them that it's possible.

Approaching Relationships With Intentionality

2008-11-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

These are some of my friends. I love them.

They are unique and diverse, all full of talents and skills, beautiful both inside and out. This photo represents only a snapshot into several of my various communities of friends. People in this photo are young and old, male and female and transgender, single and coupled, latino, black, white, asian, pacific islander, gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, doctor, college grads, students, high school grads, multi-lingual, ESL, and of varying faith backgrounds. We are quite a hodge podge of diverse friends!

We were all gathered last night for dinner, celebrating my birthday. And so I took the opportunity to share my heart with them. (Keep reading further in this post to watch the video of that talk!)

There's been a lot going on in California lately and I've been excited to be a part of it with many of my friends. Many of us have been part of rallies, marches, phone banks, and volunteers to oppose the passing of Prop 8. It's personal for us because it's OUR rights that have been taken away from us or it's our LOVED ONES rights that have been taken away from them.

I've said before that I consider myself more of a relational catalyst than a political activist. The difference? In my view, a relational catalyst takes an organic approach to building bridges within a community by inspiring the development of meaningful relationships for the purpose of building a relational infrastructure within that community. In my view, a political activist takes a grassroots community organizing approach to rallying and mobilizing a community around a worthwhile cause.

I believe that both are essential to shifting our culture . . . .

The political activists and organizers work to affect the "power structures" that govern law and religion while using a unified arm of people to build national awareness and support and to confront opposition. The relational catalysts work to affect the "people structures" that comprise our communities, neighborhoods, and families while developing tangible relationships and connections between individuals across a region. Both kinds of people, the activists and the catalysts, work in tandem to shift paradigms, hearts, and attitudes. A person might be one or the other or both! And when we experience the collision of world views as we've seen between those who believe all people, gay and straight, have the equal right to marry versus those who believe that only straight people have the right to use the term marriage, the resulting clash brings intense hurt and anger - and in many cases irrationality.

As we're seeing the Marriage Equality Movement advancing forward to draw national attention, catalyzed by the passing of Prop 8 eliminating the rights of California's citizens, we are without a doubt witnessing history being written before our very eyes. In the past, we had the benefit of hindsight and history to teach us what sacrifices and advances had been made before us. However, as witnesses to current events, we have the unique opportunity of helping to shape the outcome.

In 2000, a similar initiative in California (Prop 22) banning same-sex marriage was approved and passed with 61% to 39%. Now, 8 years later Prop 8 passes barely with 52% to 48%. That's a huge indication of the shifting views in California culture - along with the mobilizing capabilities of organizers and advocates and allies. There are more and more people who are supporting equal rights for all people. The interesting thing to note is that seeing as how straight people are the majority, that means statistically most of that 48% who voted against Prop 8 were straight. There are millions of straight people who support us. The work of political activists and of relational catalysts, together, can help tip the scale in favor of equality the next time the public is asked to vote.

It does take some intentionality.

Right now, there are efforts to organize across the country to demonstrate peacefully against discrimination. You can be a part of it by passing the word along, going to rallies, marches and events, signing petitions, writing to elected officials, and speaking out to let your voice be heard.

But as a relational catalyst, what can you do?

Yesterday was my birthday and to celebrate I invited friends from several social circles that I'm connected with for a dinner at a restaurant. So I took the opportunity to share with them what I call the "Fabulous 5" things that they can do to approach their friendships with intentionality by being a relational catalyst. Here's the video of that talk:

The "Fabulous 5" to Being a Relational Catalyst:

1. Invest in 5 people not like you - build relationships with people who are different than you so that you can mutually learn from each other, hear each others stories, and begin to empathize with each others experiences.

2. Participate in neighborly service - identify a need that your neighbor has and serve that need by helping to fill it. You can also volunteer with community organizations. Mow your neighbor's lawn. Prepare a meal for an elderly or pregnant neighbor. Help pick up trash at the beach. Help build a home. This will help people to see that we are nothing to be afraid of. Rather, we are their fellow neighbors that can support them when they are in need.

3. Partner with other people who share your passion - find others who care about what you care about, then collaborate together to make a difference! Do you care about Marriage Equality, cancer, Substance abuse among teenagers, suicide prevention, HIV/AIDS prevention & education, or some other cause? I believe that we can do more together than we can separate. So find those who share your passion or cause and do it together.

4. Facilitate introductions - provide opportunities to introduce the new people that you are meeting with your broader group of friends. Let them connect with each other. Host a dinner party, plan an outdoors event, get a group of people together for a movie or a show.

5. Cast vision - speak into the relationships in your life and inspire people with a vision of community, collaboration and citizenship. Show people how they can connect with the people in their world and how they can affect their community together. Inspire them to be a relational catalyst.

The "Fabulous 5" are things that you can do over the next year to approach your friendships with intentionality and to help build a relational infrastructure throughout our community. Not only do we gain meaningful relationships, but when it comes time for the activists to call on us to mobilize, there will be more of us (catalysts and our relationships) in the community who can respond.

www.GoCatalyst.org

Are you on Facebook and haven't added me as a friend yet? Add me here!

Snatched and Gay Bashed

2008-11-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

STATE MEASURE - PROPOSITION 8: ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME-SEX COUPLES TO MARRY. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Changes California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry. Provides that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. Fiscal Impact: Over the next few years, potential revenue loss, mainly sales taxes, totaling in the several tens of millions of dollars, to state and local governments. In the long run, likely little fiscal impact on state or local governments.

It was surreal. I stood in the voting booth reading this ballot measure that put to a vote whether or not people approved the stripping of one of my constitutional rights. Articulated the way it was, I was sure that people would read it and be appalled at such a prospect. That in the year 2008, an American society would again allow the bullying and degradation of a minority group because they are different and have a different opinion about something. I was wrong.

YES - 52% NO - 48%

Perhaps many in the straight evangelical conservative sect of our Father's Church felt justified in leading such a charge in their self-righteous call to protect not families but their pharisaical traditional perspective at the expense of demoralizing and literally "invalidating" their neighbors.

They shall be accountable to God.

There is much hurt and anger that many of us are processing - both gay and straight. This wasn't just something that we were wanting and were told No. Rather, this was a Constitutional right that we already had and was taken away from us. Snatched and gay bashed. Ori and Rom Brafman in their book called SWAY say, "We experience the pain associated with a loss much more vividly than we do the joy of experiencing a gain."

I do feel robbed!

The thing that has been pissing me off, though, is the complete lack of empathy that I've been perceiving from those who approved of the discriminatory Constitutional amendment. The hypocrisy is unbelievable! One of my pet peeves is when someone projects the very stupid things that they themselves are doing but then accuse the "other side" of doing those stupid things. Seriously, I hate that! It's like....dude, take a look in the mirror - the thing you're complaining about, that's what YOU are doing!

It's like there's a proud haughtiness from people who minimize the pain they've contributed to in their neighbors by calling opponents to the Proposition "poor losers" when we rally to express our anger or move to appeal to the supreme court. Well hell, that's what the court is for! To step in when the majority continues to treat "fellow Californians" like second-class citizens.

Who knows how far the organizers and activists and lawyers will get with the courts. But I shall appeal to God. I ask that He would hear the cries of His people. I ask for His vindication and justice to prevail. I ask that He would intervene. I ask that He convict the hearts of those who have set such a poor example of love - those who hide behind their tradition as an excuse to close their eyes and ears and hearts and common sense from acknowledging the human dignity afforded to all people by God - and this country. Supposedly.

So yeah, I'm pissed. And right now I'm going to allow myself to be angry and to grieve and to vent so that I can appreciate the gravity of what's happened. I'm choosing to allow myself this time and this space, for now, so that then I can move on and move forward with the much needed task of bridge building, healing, forgiving, and vision-casting.

With Liberty and Justice For All

2008-10-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all."

I've always considered myself patriotic. I was never directly involved in politics because I feel my approach to change is different - less activist and more catalytic, relationally. That, plus the divisiveness of politics - the constant collision of world paradigms always turned me off. And so I'd always tune out.

This year, though, I have never been as interested in politics as I am now. It has, in large part, to do with the inspirational presence of Barack Obama. I've never held a loyalty to a political party - but I do believe our country needs a leader who can cast vision for us, to not simply be a better world power (as the arrogant Americans we are sometimes accused of being around the world) but a call on each of us as world citizens to be better neighbors.

The upcoming election next week is relevant to me. I suppose that's why I'm so interested. The next president will shape the course of our country and we are in desperate need for a positive change. The morale of the country depends on it. But in addition to the presidency, California has the opportunity to demonstrate what it looks like to be better neighbors - to say NO to Proposition 8 and to affirm dignity and respect for all people equally . . . .

On May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled (effective a month later) that it is unconstitutional to have two "separate but equal" designations - "marriage" for straights and "domestic partnerships" for gays. The court said, "We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples." (Click here for a copy of the ruling.)

Prop 8 would eliminate from me a basic fundamental constitutional right to marry the person I choose to share my life with - a right that I currently have, finally. How would a woman feel if next week her right to vote were rescinded? How would a black man feel if next week his right to marry a white woman were rescinded? How ridiculous and backwards would that be? We all deserve equal dignity and respect - the court says "separate but equal" is unconstitutional. Prop 8 disagrees and so is trying to change the constitution to justify and legalize discriminatory segregation.

Gosh, that's why this is so relevant to me. Because it's about my rights as a citizen. It's about our rights and the kind of society we want to live in. See, here's the thing . . . when I was in the closet, I felt like I wasn't worth being known. I thought that being gay was a terrible thing and that it was something to be ashamed of. The closet does terrible things to a person's self-image and self-esteem. So to be affirmed dignity and respect as a gay man repairs much of the harm and hurt caused by a society that has a history of discriminating against minorities for not "being" like everyone else.

While having lunch at Subway after church service, a man with his two teenage kids asked me to educate them about Prop 8. (I was wearing a button). So I pulled up a chair and we talked about the fact that all people, gay or straight, currently have the equal right to marry in California and that Prop 8 would eliminate that right for gays and lesbians. He was confused by the double negative phrasing surrounding it and so I explained to them that since Prop 8 would take away our rights, we should vote NO. It was cool to see that even his kids agreed without any prompting from their dad. It was good to see that this father was raising his family to respect all people equally.

I've been proud lately.

I've been proud of my city when the Long Beach City Council unanimously voted on October 17, 2006 for a resolution in support of marriage equality and even further urged state and federal law makers to support marriage equality. (Click here for a copy of the resolution).

I've been proud of my family who have supported me in coming out. They also support and show love towards my niece who came out earlier this year. She even went to prom with her girlfriend! She rocks! One day she'll feel that she's ready to be married. It may even be with another girl. She currently has that right. Prop 8 would take that right away from her. Yes, this issue is personal for me. Mess with me, we'll talk about it. Mess with my niece and my family, oh heck no! The gloves come off!

I've been proud of my employer (for my day-job) for keeping a non-discrimination policy towards anyone including gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered individuals. In fact, we are a local association of the broader California Teachers Association (with over 350,000 member teachers statewide) that has historically taken a stance for human rights and equality. The CTA has officially taken a NO position on Prop 8. (Read about it here). I'm also proud of them for backing it up with action by supporting the No on 8 campaign. I know they are getting a lot of flack for their financial support (even by other teachers), but I'm proud of them for not backing down for what's right.

I've been proud of my friends John & Russ and Susan & Jen who each affirmed their love and commitment for each other by getting married, legally.

I've been proud of my good friend Becky who just married a good guy named Bret (pictured above). Becky is a strong "ally" of ours ("friend of the Family") and has ALWAYS had a heart for the GLBT community. She lives this passion out in her personal advocacy, her fundraising for triathlons (she competed at the Gay Games in Chicago for team HRC), and she even has a rainbow fish (gay christian) sticker on her car which she has even had slurs and discriminatory comments from people thinking she's gay. Man, i'm so proud of Becky! Plus, I even had the honor of being a groomsman in her wedding last weekend in Florida. Soooo much fun, by the way!

I've been proud of my friend "Angel", a blogger mom friend who I connected with two years ago. She and her family live in Florida and I got to reconnect with her and her husband over lunch while I was there for Becky's wedding. Angel is another ally and friend of the Family. I was super excited to hear about her daughter who is totally advocating for GLBT folks to her classmates. She rocks! I'm proud to know Angel and her husband as a couple raising their kids to love people with dignity and respect.

I've been proud of Barack Obama and Joe Biden who despite their position against gay marriage (you know, politics), they are still very much in favor of civil rights for the GLBT community. Joe Biden was on the Ellen show and stated that he and Barack OPPOSE Prop 8 and other similar national attempts to limit marriage and rights. (Watch the short video clip here).

I've also been proud of many of my friends who are getting involved in the process - anywhere from attending No on 8 events, to wearing buttons, to phone banking, to volunteering in various ways.

And at the same time, I've been highly disappointed in pastor Rick Warren from Saddleback Church who posted a video pretty much claiming that real Christians would support Prop 8 (and should vote Yes) arguing that (according to him) only 2% of the population is gay or lesbian. Perhaps in his small tight-fitting box (that barely even God can fit in) there are only 2% of the people in "his world" that are gay or lesbian but our nation is supposed to defend the rights of the minority, not take away rights because they are insignificant in numbers or because they have differing views. Everyone counts. Rick Warren may refuse to grant people like me dignity, but the Lord has already granted me dignity and the California Supreme Court has as well. In my opinion, what Rick Warren said was unChristian and unAmerican.

I know that this is a divisive issue in our country. But we have before us the history books being written right before our eyes. California can be the first state in the union to vote down an attempt to amend their constitution in order to justify and legalize discrimination of gays and lesbians. Our Supreme Court says that it's wrong to designate a separate class of people and to treat them differently. Domestic partnership is not marriage and "separate but equal" is unconstitutional. It's wrong to do it to blacks. It's wrong to do it to women. And it's wrong to do it to gays and lesbians.

Let's keep moving forward by preserving our rights, not taking them away. After all, we all deserve to live "with liberty and justice for all."

Inclusive Pastors Round Table

2008-10-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

It's clear to me that both groups of conservative pastors and inclusive pastors are in very different places when it comes to the prospect of coming together at the same table to have a productive and safe dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered individuals within our community.

We anticipated that though. I mentioned last month that I'm part of a Coalition of Bridge-Builders who are trying to facilitate this dialogue within the Hot Zone - "that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject". Last month, the conservative group got together for their initial discussion. A couple days ago, the inclusive group got together for their initial discussion.

Both groups have their own baggage and so very different preparatory conversations need to happen within each group first before each can be ready to sit down with the other. The conservative group needs to grasp the concept of grace, responsibility, and empathy towards a community that has felt hurt by certain churches and church people. The inclusive group needs to wrestle with the anger and pain that they and many of their friends and congregants experienced from conservative church leaders. Both groups need to assess their willingness to come to the table under a common bridge-building framework. And that's what we hoped to do in the first initial round table discussions with both groups . . . .

The round table discussion with the inclusive pastors and leaders went very well. I had the honor of facilitating the discussion. It was a great opportunity for them to meet each other or reconnect. The group was comprised of mostly senior pastors who were gay or lesbian, other leaders representing organizations, and also the Coalition team members - some of whom are straight and represent the traditional conservative perspective about "the issue" but remain open to the dialogue.

Through lunch, we had each person share what they've witnessed God doing among their congregation and community so that we could possibly see a common trend of what God was doing in the region. We discovered three common trends of God's movement:

1. Conversation - these leaders are reporting that more and more people are wanting to engage in conversation or are open to the conversation regarding faith and sexuality. These included GLBT people, gay Christians, straight Christians, and even straight non-Christians. People are talking.

2. Growth and Activity for the Kingdom - despite what others in conservative spheres assume about the GLBT community and the darkness that prevails, these leaders are reporting about the wonderful things that God is doing in their ministries. It was clear that God's light was shining through many GLBT individuals in the community. Imagine that! God was using GLBT people to be a blessing to their communities!

3. Shift - these leaders are reporting that there are increasing numbers of straight people who are becoming more welcoming of gays and lesbians. Leaders are seeing the demographics of their congregations change to include a more diverse representation of gays and straights.

I think that observing these three common trends simply based on listening to those present is very exciting! Imagine how much more God is at work within the GLBT community!

After everyone shared, we took some time to share the vision and purpose of the Coalition and about the productive and safe dialogue that we are trying to facilitate within the broader Church. We talked about last month's initial round table discussion with the conservative pastors and shared the feedback we were getting from them. In a nutshell, there are those from that group that are willing to continue the conversation.

That has got to be encouraging! Granted, the conservative group is taking baby steps towards being ready for a productive and safe dialogue with gay Christians, but these steps forward are worth celebrating. Just like we had a lesbian share her story of faith with the conservative group for the purpose of helping to expand their perspective, we also had some straight conservative leaders share their story of faith and why they are willing to engage in this conversation. The goal was to build empathy within both groups for the other.

This is still going to be a process.

During much of the discussion, it was really interesting to see and hear where various people were at. Some are cautious and apprehensive about interacting with straight evangelicals. Some are prayerfully discerning about the prospect. Some are open and ready to engage in dialogue with the conservative group. But it was a very dynamic round table discussion!

We spent some time taking a look at some of the preliminary results from The Marin Foundation's national survey on "Religious Acculturation within the GLBT Community" - the same stuff that we shared with the conservative group last month - and we took a look at how the data could enhance all of our ministry approaches to the GLBT community.

We introduced the initial bridge-building framework with them and sought their feedback. With minor additions for consideration, everyone pretty much affirmed that it was a good framework. More importantly, they expressed a willingness to talk at the same table with other willing conservative pastors within this common bridge-building framework.

We now intend to introduce this framework to the conservative group, seek their feedback on it, and to assess who among them would be willing to talk at the same table with other willing inclusive pastors. The next set of follow-up events will be on November 15, 2008 - during the day, there will be a day-long training and discussion geared for the conservative group of pastors and leaders called "Elevating the Conversation"; during the evening, there will be a banquet dinner to provide inclusive pastors and leaders an opportunity to continue getting to know one another. Both follow-up events will be open to either group to attend.

As a result of our round table discussion with inclusive pastors, we won't be planning a combined round table discussion with the conservative pastors in January. The consensus of the group was that they wanted more time to get to know one another, to build trust, and to continue the discussions that were started.

I think this is exciting because in the process of getting ready to meet with the conservative group, this inclusive group can continue to support one another while also connecting with more and more inclusive pastors and leaders. So they'll build bridges within our own inclusive community while concurrently preparing for that productive and safe dialogue with the conservative group. So I see multiple levels of bridge building taking place and many opportunities for connection and support.

At the end of the day, I'd consider this round table session with the inclusive pastors and leaders a success because we were able to assess those who were willing to stay in the conversation. Hopefully, we'll be able to continue working with both groups of willing pastors and leaders so that we can eventually bring the two together - not with the intention of either group changing the other, but with the express purpose of elevating the conversation.

The Coalition would like to thank Hot Java (a popular gay-owned coffee shop in Long Beach where we purchased the panini sandwiches for lunch) for generously providing all of the drinks for our round table discussion. They don't seem to have a web site up, but if you're ever in the LB area, check them out on the corner of Junipero & Broadway at 2105 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA 90803.

Coalition of Bridge Builders

2008-09-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Another big collaborative project that I've been working on the past several months doesn't have an official name but the phrase I've been using to describe us is that we are a coalition of bridge builders. The team is comprised of my friends Dr. Becky Kuhn (Global Lifeworks), Andy Marin (The Marin Foundation), John Lewis (Urban Youth Workers Institute), Ed Salas (Newsong Church), Brad Fieldhouse (Kingdom Causes) and also myself (Catalyst Community). We're all bridge building organizations and so the vision of the Coalition is to see the broader Church engage in a productive and safe dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals within our community.

This means that we are trying to build a bridge between the pastors of conservative churches and the pastors of inclusive churches, help each group to find common ground, and help create a space of conversation that helps us all share Christ's light and love for all people. (Side note: the link to GCN isn't meant as an official endorsement of the Coalition's work (though Justin does support what we're doing!) - its just that I'm using GCN's mission statement a lot in my every day language because I believe in GCN's mission so much that I think it should rightly be applied as a lifestyle in every context. Anyway, just giving proper credit.)

So anyway, back to the Coalition.

In this collaborative project, at times I feel like I am undertaking one of THE most difficult tasks the Lord has called me to do. He's told me to step, and I've stepped, but for me, it's really scary at times . . . .

I have my own baggage and hurts from the conservative Church and I'm dealing with a slew of emotions in this collaborative project - from hurt to resentment to bitterness to gratitude to excitement to hope. There are times when I fight back the tears because there's still much grieving to be done that I never allowed myself to go through back then. I just got busy with new vision and began the new work moving forward and following God, but the reality is that there is still pain deep down from when I was in the closet, being in the Side X culture, and even being patronized and rejected by people within the organization that I helped start.

Drama.

Ya know, I've been great since coming out, feeling free to be authentic and all. I'm cool. But when the pain resurfaces, it's as if I'm in the closet again and I feel silenced. I'm not at all saying that the Coalition silences me - they do the opposite. I'm just saying that my participation in the Coalition is exciting while also requiring a great deal of emotional energy because I'm experiencing the silencing pain and at the same time being intentional about speaking up. There's a lot of internal wrestling going on while I'm at the table. Not only do I want to ensure that what we're doing is safe for inclusive pastors and other gay Christians, but I want to make sure that it's safe for me as well!

It's not easy to ask someone who has felt abused to be in the same room with those he/she perceives to be the abuser. That's what we're potentially asking inclusive pastors and gay Christians to do in coming to the table with conservative pastors and potentially Side X straight Christians.

That said, the Coalition has been great to me. The team have all shown me respect, patience in my need to build trust, and they have honored my contributions to what we're doing. I am honored to be at the table helping to shape what this Coalition looks like. And despite the stuff going on inside me in order to be at the table, I know that this is the very thing that God has been preparing me for and calling me to.

Here we are, in the Hot Zone - "that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject".

To any of our knowledge, no where else is anyone trying to do what we're trying to do. In other places, there are Side A folks bent on changing Side B folks. There are Side X folks bent on changing Side A folks. But we haven't seen anyone else trying to bring the two groups of conservative pastors and the inclusive pastors together in the same room to talk about the issue that is dividing the Church globally while not having an agenda of one group changing the other group's mind. The difficult thing for our core team is to sift through all the complexities of both groups and trying to find a framework for a productive and safe dialogue for those two groups.

This past Wednesday, the Coalition had our very first event. It was a round table lunch discussion with pastors and leaders from conservative churches. The goal was to help share with them a new perspective regarding the GLBT community, give them an opportunity to share with each other about the GLBT concerns/issues that they are experiencing or are concerned about in their own ministries, and to introduce them to a bridge building framework so that eventually this group could engage in that productive and safe dialogue with the inclusive pastors and the gay Christian community.

The Coalition's bridge building approach is to also have a round table lunch discussion with pastors and leaders from inclusive churches. This will take place on October 8, 2008. The discussion will be similar in that we'll introduce them to the same bridge building framework that the conservative pastors and leaders heard. But we'll also give them an opportunity to share with each other about concerns that they may have for even trying to meet half way with the conservative group.

Our goal with both groups is to facilitate introductions so that they can begin to build trust. As trust develops, we'll bring them together - not to change each other, but rather to hear each other. This will take a process.

So the Wednesday round table event with the conservative group went well. Andy did a great job with sharing research results from his organization's national study on "Religious Acculturation within the GLBT Community". (In fact, to participate in the study, go here.) He was also the one to share the bridge building framework with the group. We then had someone share a personal story (honoring confidentiality here, but the person did an amazing job) to help give this conservative group a new perspective to consider.

While the event itself went well, all in all, internally I think I did fairly well too. I found myself fearful and silent at times. There were other times when I openly talked about my journey. And then there were other times where I intentionally left out details about my being a gay Christian and left it ambiguous because, well, the point of it all was that it didn't/shouldn't matter.

I spoke to someone who was clearly Side X and was not budging. I spoke to someone who was open to new perspectives and was clearly wrestling with them. I spoke to someone who has a heart for the GLBT community. I spoke to someone who felt somewhat conflicted - she wants to love on her gay friend(s) in her church and even would take steps in having her church be more supportive but she's also concerned about how other churches would respond to such things.

There were probably two or three gay people in the entire room which would include me and another Coalition member - and maybe someone in the closet. So you can imagine I had awkward moments. But really, it wasn't that bad. There weren't times when I just wanted to bolt out of the room. There were times when I recognized, "yeah, you're someone I normally try to avoid" but still I stuck around.

Ya know, being a bridge builder is really exciting because it totally forces you to stay out of your comfort zone. It's stretching me and that's a good thing. I ought to set an example so that I can tell others (in either conservative or inclusive group) that it's okay and it'll be worth it. But i'm learning a lot about myself.

One day, I'm going to have to be in the same room as certain other pastors that have profoundly hurt me. I'm not looking forward to that day. But I know, that it will come and I'm gradually getting ready for it. However, what I do look forward to is the day when we can bring all these pastors from both groups together in the same room, introduce and speak with each other, share a meal and prayer together, and then to talk about how we can all work towards sharing Christ's light and love for all people.

HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach

2008-09-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

One of the big collaborative projects that I've been working on is the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach. Representing Catalyst Community, I've been on the core development and planning team for this since last year along with my friends from Global Lifeworks and (my first baby) Kingdom Causes. Together, we've been meeting once per month for over a year to formulate details of what and how we wanted to work within the HIV/AIDS community here in Long Beach.

I can say that the collaborative process is very interesting! We've learned a lot about each other (and ourselves) but through it all we've built a degree of trust with one another. We're all learning to value each of our contributions to the project as we all sit at the same table as a team.

Everyone on the team has contributed to what we're doing. One of the things I'm proud to have contributed is helping to catalyze our direction towards building a mutually supportive community. I'm not interested in starting just another project where "we" (healthy people) help "them" (sick people). There are a number of great programs that already exist and I'd rather not reinvent the wheel.

I wanted something more organic and something more catalytic . . . .

So months ago, I introduced the idea that "the community is the collaborative". In other words, the team is simply there to catalyze the HIV/AIDS community but that it wouldn't rely on the team as the collaborative to host events and so on. Rather, we'd catalyze a community of both HIV positive AND HIV negative individuals to work together, build relationship, and to meet each others needs - regardless of HIV status. This would equalize the community and communicate the fact that we all have value and can mutually give and receive from one another.

What does this look like?

It could be someone volunteering to drive someone else to the pharmacy. It could be someone sitting down with someone else to teach them how to use the computer. It could be someone hanging out with someone else over coffee to get to know one another. It could be someone taking someone else to the grocery store. It could be someone hosting a dinner party. Which of these "someones" and "someone elses" are HIV positive? It doesn't matter! It's not about making HIV positive folks feel like a project and making HIV negative folks feel like they're do-gooders. It's about inspiring a community of both HIV positive and negative individuals to be good neighbors.

I've always believed that it's difficult to really get to know another person in a group setting. Personally, I prefer smaller group things and one on one interactions. However, I also believe that we need a balance to catalyze community.

Here's what I refer to as my organic approach to catalyzing community in a nutshell:

Events are an opportunity to facilitate introductions between people. More events allows people to become familiar with each other. Once familiarity develops, shared interests can be identified and trust gradually forms. As trust is established, people will begin to connect on more personal and casual contexts outside of the events while events concurrently continue to happen. Relationship develops as people continue to connect. As trust and relationship are nurtured, people will naturally form partnership and collaboration around shared interests and causes. That's when we can organize and mobilize.

In the process where relationship happens, that's where we can educate each other about the facts and realities of living with HIV and AIDS. (I believe this approach to catalyzing community can be applied in any context.)

We had a lunch time event yesterday where we introduced the vision for this kind of community. We had about 25 people there - men, women, families, singles, HIV positive, HIV negative, young, old. It really was quite exciting to cast vision and to see everyone begin to own it for themselves. "We" are the collaborative!

There's much more I'd like to say as there is more going on in terms of pointing people to existing resources in the community; perhaps I'll write more in future blogs as things develop. But for now i'll share with you the official vision and mission of the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach.

Our vision is to build a mutually supportive community between HIV positive and HIV negative individuals that cultivates authentic relationships while meeting the physical, spiritual, and psychosocial needs of everyone involved.

Our mission is to:

*Create a safe environment that facilitates open and honest sharing in the spirit of friendship.

*Provide opportunities for people to volunteer, encourage, and acknowledge one another.

*Promote citywide involvement in providing services, resources, workshops, and spiritual support to empower individuals in the HIV/AIDS and broader communities.

I'll try to keep you posted as things progress!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 8

2008-09-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

After spending three days on the Big Island, I flew back to Honolulu on Oahu and stayed the night with my dad in Waikiki.

For my last day on the islands, I really wanted to snorkel one last time and go kayaking for the first time (since I missed doing these things when I went on my spontaneous adventure through a Hawaiian jungle in the Waipi'o Valley!). So I got up early and made my way to Kailua Beach to spend the day in the sun and water.

I didn't have a set plan - just that I'd rent snorkel stuff then later rent a kayak. Both would have cost some cash but it turned out that there was an opening for a guided kayak tour around the bay, then afterwards use of snorkeling gear was included (along with lunch). So it turned out to be a great deal!

We had a really cute kayak guide named Andy who was actually a really cool guy. He is from Delaware but had just moved to the island about six months ago. Talk about a great job! He gave us a lil orientation on the kayak and paddling then we took them out to the water.

This was my first time kayaking and I had so much fun! Actually, it wasn't that difficult and I figured it'd be easy to tip over but in my experience it was pretty sturdy. It was a great upper body work out too and Andy says that "I'm not too shaby!" *blush* lol

We took the kayaks out around the bay then landed onto Flat Island where Andy took us on a tour to see the protected bird life there. This island was unique in that it's the only island not formed out of volcanic activity. It's actually more coral reef. So the whole coral island was really pretty interesting. (or is it that Andy made it interesting! *fawn* lol)

After spending a couple hours kayaking, I had lunch and met a nice older married couple from Canada. She highly recommended this place called Prince Edward Island which I'd love to check out for myself one day. Stay tuned for Eric's Canadian Adventures!

Andy recommended a sweet snorkeling spot so I made my way to that part of the bay and went out in the water. While snorkeling, I spotted a turtle! So I followed (more like harassed) the turtle taking photos and video. Be sure to check out the video in my Facebook page!

Since it was my last day in Hawaii, I decided to just lounge around on the beach, enjoy the day, and lay out for a bit. It's not that I really *needed* a tan, but I got one all the same. While laying out, I met this cute cool guy named Tim and we ended up talking for a couple hours both in the water and on the beach. He had just moved to the island a week prior and will be there for a year. He's a civilian that works with the Air Force as an engineer. He's from Rhode Island (and had this cute accent).

I really did not want to leave! But I stretched out my time as long as possible and so I said my good byes to Tim, the Hawaiian beaches, waves and sand, and made my way back to Waikiki to say good bye to my dad.

By the time I returned the rental car and got to the airport, I missed my flight! Fortunately, I scored an alternative flight which was a direct flight to Los Angeles. My other flight would have had my layover in Dallas/Fort Worth. That was a sweet deal!

And for a grand farewell from the Hawaiian Islands, there was a musical group and a guy/girl pair doing hula for airport travelers.

All in all, this was an amazing vacation that gave me some wonderful adventures!

First time experiences:
-First time kayaking
-First time snorkeling/swimming with a turtle
-First time getting a Hawaiian tan!

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 7

2008-09-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

I spent my last day on the Big Island checking out a lil more of Hilo then went to check out Kilauea - an active volcano.

I checked out Queen Liliuokalani Gardens in Hilo. It was a beautiful and lush gardens given as a gift from Japan. While there, I went geocaching and found #5 of the trip!

Then I went to see the Mauna Loa macadamia nut factory. They have self guided tours where you can peek in and see how the macadamia nuts are harvested, processed, and packaged. Of course they had a store so I bought a bunch of cans to bring back home for peeps.

Afterwards, I made my way to the Volcano National Park where Kilauea is. There I saw many of the volcano craters and the smoke plume coming from Kilauea.

Then I went for a hike in a tropical rain forest surrounding Kilauea's crater and even got to hike through one of the craters inside of it! It was amazing! And a great work out too! My personal trainer would be proud. =P

What an awesome three days on the Big Island! I ascended to over 13,000 feet elevation to the summit of Mauna Kea. Then I descended 2000 feet to the floor of Waipi'o Valley then hiked through a jungle to get to the base of a waterfall. Then I hiked through a tropical rain forest and through a volcanic crater. Wow! So much fun!

First time experiences:
-First time visiting Queen Liliuokalani Gardens
-First time geocaching on the Big Island
-First time visiting the Mauna Loa macadamia nut factory
-First time hiking through a volcanic crater

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 6

2008-09-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

By far, Day 6 was the most adventurous day of this vacation! It was such an incredible day that I'm going to write a separate blog post later detailing the adventure and the journey because there are lots of life lessons that I can extrapolate from the experience.

Here's the abridged rated G version:

My original plan was to drive from Hilo (on the East side of the Big Island) to Kailua-Kona (on the West side) via the northern route around the island while making a stop midway at Waipi'o Valley on the North tip of the island. But I was planning on spending the majority of the day in Kona to snorkel and kayak then go to a luau.

When I got to the lookout at Waipi'o Valley, I saw an amazing view. I got curious so I started walking down a road hoping to take some better pictures and before I knew it I had descended the 2000 foot elevation and I found myself at the valley floor.

In the distance I discovered a waterfall deep in the valley and I began a trek to find the base of it. I soon realized that there was no actual trail to the waterfall.

Then I made the decision that started the adventure - I spontaneously hiked through the trees along the stream figuring it'd be pretty easy to get to the waterfall. I just had to not get caught because it was all private property.

I got deeper and deeper into the valley and before I knew it, I was treading through an actual jungle! I was wearing shorts and a tshirt and I was marching through plant life and greenery and trees that were all taller (and older) than me. There was no real trail. I was just trying to follow the stream whose current by the way got stronger and stronger.

I tread through trees and vines and rocks and huge rocks and then eventually through the water too! I had to keep crossing the stream every time I reached a go-no-further point on each side. I slid down hills, I slipped on huge rocks in the fast current stream, I clawed up walls. It was quite dangerous, actually. On numerous occasions in the water and on rocks and on trees and on the side bank, I fell on my hands, my butt, my elbows, my knees, and my shins. There were times when I could very well have fallen and broken my neck, my leg, or an arm or sprained an ankle. I had dirt all over my shorts. I had dirt in my mouth. I got my shorts drenched in the stream. I got my shoes drenched in the stream.

At one point, I even ditched my tshirt, cell phone, car keys, camera, watch and sun glasses because I couldn't go further with them. I even lost my eye glasses. I was neck deep in water walking along the slippery rocks beneath me with EVERYTHING I had (think about that one for a sec) bundled in my shirt trying to hold it above the water, then it got deeper suddenly and my head went under - and I lost my eye glasses.

I was in the heart of the jungle of this valley, too late to turn back, and I kept proceeding forward for several hours until I finally reached it. The base of the waterfall!

So I went swimming and enjoyed it all! But no camera to document it because I had abandoned it to get there. However, there's a chance that some people I met may send me photos of the falls.

It was absolutely amazing and I'm seriously leaving out really good details about the adventure - saving it for my blog!

So the pics in this album seem like everything was nice and fine but I couldn't take pictures of the crazy crazy parts because i left the camera behind along the rocks.

Along the way, I met a super cute hot buck-naked golden boy from North Carolina (that's all for now, the rest in the more detailed blog to follow later) (i know right? totally random!), and three older ladies guided by a younger gal who had done this before. All the ladies lived there on the Big Island.

Afterwards, when I got back to my car (stinky and filthy) I cleaned up and rushed to Kona (2 hour drive) for what turned out to be an even better luau than the one I went to on Day 1 with my dad in Waikiki. It was really fun!

After the luau, I drove back to Hilo via the Southern route which took 2 1/2 hours. I was exhausted but it was an amazing adventurous day!

First time experiences:
-First time viewing Waipi'o Valley
-First time hiking through a hawaiian jungle
-First time running into a super cute hot buck-naked golden boy while hiking through a jungle
-First time skinny dipping!
-First time standing/swimming at the base of a waterfall surrounded by 2000 foot walls
-First time completely driving all the way around the Big Island

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 5

2008-09-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

I left Oahu and island hopped over to the Big Island which is actually called Hawai'i. (Honolulu is the capital of the state but is on the island of Oahu).

When I arrived to my terminal at the airport, I was pleased to see a large crowd around some passengers playing the ukulele and entertaining everyone. Two couples were dancing to the music too. Then this older lady stood up and started doing the hula. It was all pretty random but cool!

When I arrived in Hilo, it was raining. Apparently, the Big Island has 11 different climates throughout the island. I got a rental car and found my way to my hostel called Arnott's Lodge & Hiking Adventures. hehe, funny name but by far THE BEST hostel I've ever stayed at. It was clean, had decent beds, various dormitories each with separate rooms that had two sets of bunk beds, free wi-fi, laundry, dvd theatre center, and many more amenities.

At the hostel, I met these two guys from Switzerland. (Yes, they were cute too! If you've been reading up on my past days, you'll notice that I keep meeting some really cute guys. Dunno! But no complaints here!) Anyway, the two are buddies traveling together - they've been friends all their lives and their families even hang out. They both are now at separate universities and so decided to vacation together to spend time. I was like....awwwww!

The hostel was leading a tour to Mauna Kea and so I went along. It was an all day thing because it took time to drive out there, then trek up the 13,796 feet elevation, and by the time we got to the summit we caught the sunset, then had a time of star gazing. It is AMAZING up there! There are numerous astronomical observatories from all around the world at the summit because Mauna Kea is a prime spot to study (and in our case gaze at) the stars and constellations.

For the first time, I saw the band of our Milky Way galaxy. This was also my first time making the trip to Mauna Kea and hiking to the summit. At that elevation, the air is very thin so it's common to be lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseated. But even feeling those things too, I still was able to make the hike to the summit! woo hoo!

I was impressed by how much the hostel's tour guide knew about stars and astronomical facts and current events. We spent some time looking up at the stars and he pointed out the constellations in view for us. He also gave us a history of islander naval navigation using the stars as they traveled around to other islands (Samoa, Figi, Tahiti, etc.) in their canoes.

I also met a man from Orange County and a man from Brazil. Cool guys.

It was a fun first day on the Big Island and seeing the views from atop Mauna Kea was a great start. =)

First time experiences:
-First time staying at a hostel in Hilo on the Big Island of Hawai'i
-First time at Mauna Kea and hiking to its summit
-First time being at 13,796 feet elevation
-First time seeing the Milky Way galaxy

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 4

2008-08-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

My last day at the North Shore was spent geocaching!

I first navigated my way to where I had been snorkeling the day before and found an easy "cache & dash" near a power line. It was in a black plastic cylinder casing. I logged my name and moved on.

I decided to take a quick break to see what the Hawaiian Sea Turtles were up to so I went back to their beach and saw about 7-8 of them near the shore swimming around and feeding.

I navigated my way to the next geocache which took me a good 45 minutes to find. It was just outside the entrance to Waimea Valley and there was a cool duck that decided to be my geocaching buddy. He kept following me around as I roamed back and forth trying to find the proper coordinates. I finally found the cache in a small cave-like cubby hole surrounded by plants and greenery. There were a few cool things that people left behind - keychains and such. I left behind a Catalyst flyer, logged my name, and moved on.

The third cache of the day took me on about a half mile hike along the Bay. This one was very difficult to find! It's considered a micro cache which means it's really small. I even enlisted the help of a cool couple that I met and talked with that lived there on the island. He had heard of geocaching and had never really done it before so he was happy to join in the hunt. Actually he was the one who found it! After about an hour of hunting around for this thing (and also pissing off a homeless guy trying to get his post lunch nap in) we found the cache in a small black 35mm film case. We both logged our names in and I'm sure he's now hooked on geocaching!

I hiked back to my car and took a drive around the perimeter of the island clockwise - saw the rest of the North Shore, then followed Kamehameha Hwy down the east shore of Oahu.

Then I went to go find a well known lookout called Nu'uanu Pali lookout. This was the site of King Kamehameha's victory on Oahu against the warriors of Maui. An estimated 400 warriors died in the battle. This lookout was where the men were forced off the cliff! Talk about craziness! This final battle at Nu'uanu Pali on Oahu led to Kamehameha's victory of becoming King over all the Hawaiian Islands. It's funny how history really is written by the victors.... it's said that he wanted to unite the islands because all the tribes and islands were separate. I'm sure it wasn't because he wanted to be king of all. Hmm..... no disrespect though. Hawaiians have a proud history about it all and in the end, a united Island nation made the people stronger - especially when the Europeans, Westerners and other Island tribes (Tahiti, Samoa, etc.) negotiated trade.

Nevertheless, it's an amazing lookout!

After my trek around the island and overlooking it, I went back to Waikiki to have dinner with my dad and some of his friends. It was really cool meeting them and seeing how they all interacted. Wow, I hung out with my dad's gay friends today!

First time experiences:
-First time completely driving all the way around Oahu
-First time visiting the Nu'uanu Pali lookout
-First time having dinner with my dad's gay friends

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 3

2008-08-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

This was a full day at the North Shore!

I was staying at a hostel called Backpackers Inn and I stayed at a place called Plantation Village that was across the street from the Pupukea Beach! I met lots of really cool people at this hostel, particularly a guy on vacation from the Army currently serving in Iraq (and returning there for two more months), a lady from Cambridge, England who had quit her job to travel the world for several months, and also a guy from Switzerland who happened to be doing the same thing - quit his job to travel.

I met this really cute guy from Colorado who is literally on a personal journey and going where ever in the world his nose takes him. He was a resident at the hostel two months ago then decided to work for the hostel. We had a really awesome conversation about "the journey". He's got a lot going on inside of him and I think I catalyzed some good ideas in him. He was processing quite a bit. He's at a fragile place right now because he's met some not so nice people along the way while also dealing with whatever he's running away from. I hope we'll be able to stay in touch along his nomadic journey throughout the world. My heart really goes out for this guy!

So I started this day having breakfast at this really cool pancake house that turns into a sports bar at night. Good stuff!

Then I went Shark Diving. OMG! It was AMAZING! Actual time in the cage was about 20 minutes and there were 20-30 sharks swimming all around! I met a cool family from Portland, Oregon and I also met these two cute gals vacationing from Scotland.

Afterwards, I went hunting for Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles. Well not really hunting. They go to one particular beach to feed then surf onto the shore to bask in the sun for warmer temp. I met this (cute) guy from Toronto, CA and his girlfriend who were on vacation. Very friendly!

Then I went to Shark's Cove to go snorkeling for the first time! Soooo much fun! I met a cool filipino family from the San Francisco Bay area that go here twice every year. Super friendly folks!

I decided to do some geocaching and so the GPS coordinates took me to a Hawaiian sacred place called Pu'u o mahuka Heiau. A "heiau" is kinda like an altar. At this site, there were actually human sacrifices that took place here. Away from the altar but along a trail, I eventually found the geocache which also included a "travel bug" - that's something that travels from cache to cache. This one was an "anytown, usa" journal and so its entries are full of cities and descriptions of where's it's been found and taken to. I'll be taking this one back to my hometown of Long Beach and i'll stash it in a geocache here to be found by some other geocaching traveler!

By evening, I met up with a new friend (friend of my ate Jayson's) for dinner in Waikiki - which is on the South Shore (about an hour's drive from the North Shore). He took me to this Japanese restaurant where they had this hilarious conveyor belt system that had newly prepared sushi and various dishes set on it to go to customers. It was funny! You just pick out whatever you liked!

After dinner, we danced the night away at this club called "Hulas". It was a loooong drive back to the North Shore late at night but it was a super fun day!

First time experiences:
-First time shark diving
-First time seeing a Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle up close
-First time snorkeling
-First time geocaching on Oahu
-First time at a human sacrifice altar
-First time eating sushi off a conveyor belt
-First time dancing at a club in Hawaii

Check out photos of the day here!

I've got videos from shark diving and snorkeling posted at Facebook so check them out there. If you're not on Facebook yet, get on there and add me as a friend so that you can see all my photo albums and more! I've been posting more stuff on Facebook regularly as compared to this blog so find your way over there. If you've got it and haven't done so, you're welcome to send in a Friend request! =) My profile is here.

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 2

2008-08-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

After spending day 1 with my dad, I got a car rental and ventured off on my own for the rest of my vacation. So I had lunch at a sweet restaurant that overlooked the beach. I had a hawaiian pizza, no less, and enjoyed the fun and the sun!

Then I went to the spa at the very top floor of a hotel - the penthouse - and got my second deep tissue massage of the trip! It was amazing! They had me wear a robe and slippers while serving me green tea flavored water. After lounging for a bit, they escort me upstairs into a private room with the massage therapist. I got an 80 minute massage that was amazing! Afterwards, they brought me more green tea water and then had me lounge on the outside penthouse patio in the sun and breeze while looking out into the ocean. Wow!

When I had thoroughly relaxed, I went downstairs and took a long shower in the most amazing shower anyone has EVER invented. It had it's various shower head settings, but also had shower spouts all throughout the walls of the shower and so it was like a full-on water fest! Fun times!

Once I cleaned up, I took a stroll through the International Market Place which was just a bunch of vendors and kiosks and stuff. I met this really cool (cute) guy from Poland. (Sorry no pics for you!)

Then I found my way to Diamond Head crater. It was a good hike to the top and there was an amazing view! I also met another (cute) guy from Denmark. Cool guy. He'll be studying on the island for four months.

I took a leisurely drive around waikiki while the rain showered off and on. It was kinda nice actually.

Then i drove up to the North Shore and found the hostel that I'll be staying at for the next couple days. There was a dinner BBQ so all the residents from all the cabins were together. I got to meet some cool folks from Venezuela, England, Brazil, Italy, and some locals. Yes, cuties here too!

Tomorrow is gonna be a fun day in the North Shore!

First time experiences:
-First time at a full service spa (in Hawaii, no less!)
-First time driving on my own in Hawaii
-First time hiking up to Diamond Head crater
-First time at the North Shore

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 1

2008-08-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

I left for my Hawaiian vacation on Tuesday and had a 12 hour layover in the opposite direction! I went from Los Angeles to Dallas/Fort Worth and stayed there at the airport from midnight until noon the next day. I didn't get ANY sleep at all at the airport, however, I thought it was kinda fun to hang out in a quiet airport all night. Haha, fun? Well, okay so I prefer to see the brighter side to things and make fun out of ugh! Hey, I'm on vaca! No sour grapes allowed!

I arrived in Honolulu after about a 7 1/2 hour flight, and was met by my dad at the airport who gave me a wood beaded lei - something men traditionally receive. We took the bus back to his place in Waikiki and he made me dinner. The plan was to go out and walk around through Waikiki but I fell asleep and didn't wake up til morning!

My first full day and a half visiting the islands was spent with my dad. He lives out here and it was his birthday so it was fun hanging out with him. We went to the Arizona Memorial together. That afternoon, I got a massage. Then that evening my dad and I went to a luau!

Afterwards, he took me to two of his local gay bars that he sometimes goes to. Yep, you read that right! It was rather..... interesting to see him in these environments. The first bar was pretty dead and so I just ended up talking with one of his friends at the bar and also talking with the bartender (who kept giving me sample drinks). I was pretty buzzed by the time we went around to the second bar which had a lot more activity. It was kinda weird seeing him watch strippers. OMG! Actually, I had a moment of freaking out. But after texting a friend or two and a mai tai I was fine.

First time experiences:
-First time at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport
-First time having a 12 hour layover and spending the night at an airport
-First time seeing my dad's condo apartment in Waikiki
-First time getting a massage in Hawaii
-First time going to a luau in Hawaii
-First time having a drink with my dad
-First time going to a gay bar with my dad
-First time seeing my dad checking out other guys

Check out photos of the day here!

Catching Up on Old Times

2008-08-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe not "old times" as in years ago... but how about catching up from the Summer since I haven't posted a blog since mid June! It's been crazy busy! But this will give you an idea of two things: (1) why I haven't blogged lately and (2) why I seriously needed the vacation in Hawaii that I'm on right now as I write this! (I'm back dating this post though so that I can blog about the vacation.)

I'm just going to keep this brief and mention some of the things I've been juggling because I'd like to write a separate blog post for many of them. Here's the nutshell version:

I've been working on the new Catalyst Web site literally all Summer and we had a "soft-launch" of it on July 1st. I've been spending crazy hours til the wee hours of the morning trying to crank it out. So it's in beta version now and we launch a full-on campaign in September. I've also been working with the new Catalyst Board of Directors to hammer out details like our new branding and logo, direction for the organization, and developing our strategies. We have officially submitted our Federal Tax Exemption application to secure our 501c3 status and so we'll get that in a few months (hopefully!)

In the midst of all the Catalyst stuff, I've also been a part of three collaborative projects. The first project is an unnamed "Hot Zone" project but we're a "coalition of bridge builders" working to see the broader Church engage in a safe and productive dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals within our community. Essentially we're trying to bring the two groups of conservative mainline pastors and the progressive inclusive pastors to the same table to talk. We've got a different approach, I think, and it's very exciting. The second project is the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach. I've been on this core team since it started a year ago and we've been working to develop authentic community and meet the needs of those living with HIV/AIDS. The third project is with my friend Dr. Becky Kuhn who founded Global Lifeworks and they are putting on a seminar for GLBT individuals that will provide tools to help relate with self, others, and community better while overcoming many of the perceived barriers that come with being gay, in the closet, social rejection, and other relational issues. I'm going to be one of the small group leaders in this highly interactive seminar experience.

These are kind of the bedrock things I've been working on outside of my day-job. Oh yeah, the day-job! It's been crazy busy there too. I've rebuilt their Web site from scratch during the Summer while organizing logistics for the biggest event of the year.

So my typical days has been working fully during the days, then swimming or working out with my personal trainer (yep!), then either having dinner meetings or collaborative meetings or trying to relax post-work, then working on the Catalyst site until 2 or 3am before getting up for work the next day! It's been a crazy summer but it's been very exciting for me to be living out my passions. Now for a much needed vacation in Hawaii!

Committed Couples Both Gay and Straight

2008-06-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

After the close of business today, it will now be legal for same-sex couples to marry in California. The tides are shifting and opinions are changing and hopefully by the time the November election rolls around, the majority of Californians will choose not to take away what the State Supreme Court ruled was unconstitutional to deny in the first place - the right to marry.

This is significant. Unlike many other states who did amend their constitution, Californians won't simply be voting on how we should define marriage. Rather, they'll be voting on whether or not we should take back civil rights that have already been given. No doubt, by November there will have been thousands of gay and straight couples legally married in the state. Voting for an amendment to specifically define marriage as only between a man and a woman is in essence saying "these" Californians can continue to marry but "those" Californians cannot.

Separate but equal. It's supposed to be unconstitutional. Unless of course, we just change the constitution. Now that's justice.

There will be a day when I will publicly declare my commitment to the man I love and I will claim my rights and privileges as a citizen and resident by having our relationship acknowledged by the state. No one should tell us that we should be happy with a second-class classification like domestic partnership with "similar" but not all the rights of marriage that straight citizens enjoy.

I agree that not everyone should marry (especially after today). But we should all have the right to make that choice.

As I step down from my soap box, I wanted to share with you an article from the New York Times that talks about studies comparing the relationships of both same-sex couples and also heterosexual couples. The studies reveal very interesting things about gender and marriage and relationships.

"A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships. Most studies show surprisingly few differences between committed gay couples and committed straight couples, but the differences that do emerge have shed light on the kinds of conflicts that can endanger heterosexual relationships . . . ."

Click here to read the article: "Gay Unions Shed Light on Gender in Marriage" (You may need to click the button to skip the Ad.)

Imagine that. Straight people can learn something from gay people.

The American Family Outing

2008-06-11T00:32:00.000-07:00

This Father's Day weekend, several LGBT families will be visiting Saddleback Church, a local SoCal mega-church with Pastor Rick Warren, for fellowship and dialogue. It's part of "The American Family Outing" sponsored by Soulforce, the National Black Justice Coalition, COLAGE and the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches. The goal was to have LGBT families visit six influential mega-churches across the nation to help build understanding for people they may have heard or talked about but have never personally met before.

Many of you know that I'm a contributing writer for a local LGBT newsmagazine called the Blade. I recently wrote an article in this month's issue talking about "The American Family Outing". I also interviewed participant Kimrey Kotchick (pictured here with his partner Jeanie Moore). Check out my article here:

Blade - June 2008 Issue

Sure this is a controversial issue within the Church. This is what I've referred to before as "The Hot Zone" - that place where conversation about homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the unspeakable topic. The Church may disagree with itself about the issue but we should be able to have civil conversation about these things "in the light" so that being gay in the Church is no longer a taboo subject. The reality is that we are part of the Church and that we are in the congregations. We are not second-class Christians. For the sake of our friends and loved ones within our congregations that are suffering in the closet, we've got to create a safe atmosphere within our spiritual communities where people on a journey can process their thoughts with trusted friends (instead of turning to unhealthy outlets in secret). We cannot develop a healthy sexuality in secret. I believe that we need the input of our spiritual families.

While we may disagree, I think the key is being able to show hospitality towards one another. Hospitality is the tangible expression of love. Hospitality doesn't affirm or condemn the theology of those giving or receiving it. It simply expresses the love of God. As brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church, we are all called and known by our love.

That's why I'm inspired by what these families are doing through "The American Family Outing". They are simply asking these churches to allow them to worship the Lord with them and fellowship. It's an opportunity for these influential churches to extend and express hospitality. I'm taking a similar approach with the new Catalyst in that I'll be helping to connect people and families with one another to get to know each other personally. I believe that we are mutually changed through relationship.

Many LGBT families recently visited Bill Hybels and Willow Creek Community Church, a mega-church near Chicago. You can read about that visit here. While some churches have welcomed these families, other mega-churches haven't been so warm and friendly. But it's a start! The more we can help people actually meet those of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered, then we can help eliminate stereotypes, false assumptions, and we can stop the demonizing.

Hearts on Fire Conference

2008-06-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

So i'm actually looking forward to going to the Hearts on Fire conference in San Francisco on July 3-6th. That's significant (for me) because I've pretty much been conferenced out the past several years. That's not to say that I haven't gone to any in recent years - just that I've gone to so many conferences - different types of conferences over the past 15 years.

I've been to Christian conferences, business conferences, amway conventions, ex-gay conferences, ex-ex-gay conferences, gay christian conferences, toastmasters conferences, work conferences, community development conferences, yadda yadda yadda. Many of them have been very good and they definitely weren't a waste of my time. Some were. Many times, I get the most out of the non-conference times - meeting people during the breaks and having refreshing conversations. It's just that I'm not the spectator type. I like to be engaged and I like to interact and I like to participate - those are the kinds of conferences I get the most out of.

There are some things, however, that I'm looking forward to for the Hearts on Fire conference . . . .

It'll be interesting for me to see a glimpse into the Lutheran culture. That kinda sounds weird but this is a Lutherans Concerned conference which means the majority of people there will be Lutherans. But ever since meeting Ross at the last GCN conference in January, I've been interested to know more about their inner workings. That's significant too because i'm pretty much an "un-structure" guy - especially when it comes to church governance. But Ross has a way of making it all sound interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing him too because I've always found him refreshing.

I'm also interested in hearing and hopefully meeting and talking with Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, the openly gay Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire. Now, i'm NOT one to be impressed and in awe of celebrity christians or conference speakers (Lord knows, I've seen enough of that at Christian conferences), it's just that I'd like to hear what he has to say and possibly talk to him about some of the Hot Zone things happening here in Long Beach. We're approaching the time when we'll start gathering pastors here to talk about the very controversial issue of gays in the Church. I wonder what it would take to get him here in Long Beach to talk with some folks? Ooh, that would flare things up in the Hot Zone all right!

I'm curious to see what kind of buzz there is in San Francisco regarding marriage equality. By then, it will have been officially legal in California and SF is a major hub for this. Hmm, I just had a thought - perhaps I can arrange to meet and video tape stories of some who got married.

I'm also looking forward to making some new friends that I can stay connected with. It looks like we're in the dorms at San Francisco University so I'm sure I'll get to meet some interesting people. It'll be good to see and hear from Kelly Fryer (of A Renewal Enterprise) again who I first saw at the GCN conference then met in Chicago this past March as she facilitated a vision-development process for GCN's leaders. I'm learning much from her for our work with the new Catalyst.

I'm particularly approaching this conference with the hope of speaking with and hearing from the Lord regarding our own relationship with each other. I'm looking forward to a refreshing time!

If anyone is at all interested in the conference, they may be able to squeeze a few more people in to register. You might be able to inquire about day-passes or if they had cancellations.

So anyway, i'm sure it'll be a good time.

Team Global Lifeworks at AIDS Walk LB

2008-06-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'll admit that I get kinda worried every time my friend tells me he can't go out because his new HIV meds is making him feel like crap. He says that the old stuff he took before was fine but these new meds has terrible side effects. He's lived with HIV for well over 15 years so a part of me figures I shouldn't worry. But he's my friend and I hate that he has to feel this way.

While representing Catalyst, I've been part of an HIV/AIDS Collaborative for the past 10 months with my friends at Global Lifeworks and Kingdom Causes (my 1st baby, the org I co-founded in 2002), along with some friends from churches and also the Long Beach Public Health Department. We've articulated our collaborative vision and purpose here:

"We are a mutually supportive community that cultivates authentic relationships while meeting the needs of individuals."

It's very exciting because we spent months building trust with one another, then strategizing and organizing together. Our approach is unique because rather than duplicating existing programs, we are equalizing the community by creating a context where everyone helps everyone as part of the same collaborative community. Plans are still in the works so stay tuned!

So right now, it's still premature for either of the projects I'm working on - Catalyst Community (my 2nd baby) or the HIV/AIDS Collaborative - to do anything formally and publicly. Catalyst will launch in July (stay tuned!) and the Collaborative is still in the planning phases. But in the mean time, the AIDS Walk Long Beach is coming up on June 21st and we all wanted to make sure that we were involved in some way. According to their Web site, "over 50% of all new HIV infection occur with our youth ages 15 to 24. 25% of those don't even know they are infected with HIV. Long Beach ranks #2 in the entire state of California."

AIDS Walk Long Beach is raising money and awareness to support the efforts of the Long Beach AIDS Foundation as well as a number of other local service and education organizations.

So me and the Catalyst core team decided to join our friends at Global Lifeworks on their AIDS Walk team. I'm signed up for the 5K run and my personal goal is to raise $500 as part of our collective team goal of raising $1,500. You know what that means, right?

Yep, I want you to please support me, Global Lifeworks, and the AIDS Walk Long Beach! Let's do this together!

To make a donation, it's really easy. Just go to my fundraising page here:

http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb08/ELeocad1

You can also check out our Team Global Lifeworks page here:

http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb08/globallifeworks

Thank you so much for partnering with me in this!

Stories That Change The World

2008-06-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

I feel pregnant. I'm bursting at the seams and I'm ready to give birth - again. I say 'again' because this isn't the first time. When you've got a vision and you're seeing it become a reality, you can't help but feel like it's your baby. And once it's born, you just want to see it grow up. In a month's time, we'll be relaunching my second baby, an organization born-again from it's initial coming out two years ago, with new vision, direction, and look - Catalyst Community.

I think part of our journey of reconciling our faith and sexuality is finding our voice. Because part of living in the tension of colliding worlds is the frustration of feeling silenced. At some point there comes a time to tell our story. I'm not saying it has to be completely public where you start a blog *ahem* or Web site or you write a book or you record your story on YouTube. Some times, it's just telling your story to a trusted friend or a family member - a loved one. But ultimately, the journey leads to becoming known because no one really knew us when we were in the closet. The journey leads to authenticity - of who we are, of who we are to God.

If we are so willing, God can use our authenticity for the sake of His Kingdom and the broader community - people He loves dearly. Sometimes I feel like my journey started off self-focussed. I was always working on "me". But now that I know that God loves me, I realize that it's not about "me". Working on "me" was necessary so that I could get to a point of realizing that it's more about God and others. And for me, that takes the form of a vision for a community sensitive to authenticity and empathy. You'll hear more about the new Catalyst in later posts.

There are people like us who will hear our story and be changed themselves. If enough of us tell our story, I believe the community can be changed . . . .

I think of friends like Peterson Toscano who retired his play "Doin' Time in the Homo Nomo Halfway House" where he creatively shares his experiences in reparative therapy and ex-gay programs and is now pioneering efforts to help others tell their stories through one of his babies Beyond Ex-Gay. "Doin' Time" is now available on DVD (which I've already purchased, go buy it!). Peterson now performs a number of other plays that help educate and inspire diverse audiences.

I think of friends like Justin Lee who came to reconcile his faith and sexuality, then started a Web site called Justin's World to help others who were wrestling with being gay and Christian. He eventually started Gay Christian Network and now has well over 8,000 members nurturing people on their own personal journeys, people growing a vibrant faith, and connecting with churches throughout communities all around the world.

I also think of friends like Andrew Marin who courageously confronted his own prejudices against gay people, moved to Boys Town in Chicago with his new wife, immersed himself in gay culture, and learned to love beyond the "issue". Andrew reconciled his journey of being a straight evangelical who also has friends and loved ones who are gay. Andrew started The Marin Foundation to help build bridges between the mainstream faith communities and the GLBT communities. He's now writing a book that will help catalyze the conversation within the Church.

I think of my mother who finally told her sister that she has a gay son. Remember in this previous post when I asked my mom to tell my aunt? She did it. She came out as a parent of a gay son. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday because she wants me to buy a house and she ended our phone conversation with 'I love you'. That was HUGE to me because that was the first time EVER that she had initiated that statement to me. I never doubted that she loves me. But that was the first time she said it first. I spoke with her today and she told me that she did tell my aunt that I'm gay. My aunt is okay with it. And my mom is okay with her knowing. [On a side note: my mom told me that one of my uncles (her cousin) was gay-bashed and murdered two years ago when he was visiting the Philippines. Omg. My mom also happened to be visiting in a different city and was informed of his death. She was able to attend the funeral. My mom and aunt knew that their cousin was gay. He just stayed in the closet and married a woman. He died not knowing that my mom and aunt already knew and that if he would have came out to them, they would have accepted him.] It's not like my mom is going to start some organization or start a chapter of PFLAG. She doesn't have to. But she's telling her story and it's changing our family.

I also think of the many many bloggers out there who are telling their stories. For the third year in a row, numerous people will be "Blogging for LGBT Families".

I believe that stories transcend dogma and stereotypes. Stories make an issue personal. Stories catalyze relationships that eventually change the world.

In a previous post, I mentioned that my approach is to being a catalyst over being an activist. My friend and TWC reader Steve asked in a comment what the difference is between the two. In a nutshell, I'd say that (in my own personal view) a catalyst initiates and inspires others towards a direction or cause. The catalyst sparks movement while eventually handing over the microphone (or keyboard) to those who accept ownership. An activist champions the cause and sees it to fulfillment. I'd say that sometimes a catalyst becomes an activist or even that some activists act catalytically, but in a world changing movement I tend to think that we need both.

One of my favorite books is "The Starfish and the Spider" by Ori Brafman and Rod A. Beckstrom. The book resonated with me because it affirmed my own approach towards community development and my preferences for organizational structure by giving terminology and vocabulary that described my unconventional style. The book talks about how decentralized organizations are like an unstoppable movement - giving the power to the people to shape and define and facilitate and enforce their cause. A starfish is an organism that replicates when parts are severed. A spider is an organism that struggles when legs are severed and dies when the head is cut off.

Starfish entities like peer-to-peer networks and music/file-sharing swappers, users of Craigslist and MySpace and Facebook, the collaboration of Apache engineers, the Native American Apache nation, the contributors of Wikipedia, Alcoholics Anonymous, and even al-qaeda are all difficult to contain because there is no specific head. Sub-communities function independently and taking one group out only inspires the creation of two new groups to replace what was lost.

Spider entities like traditional corporations, religious institutions, and governments are massive but instituting change within can be slow. Removing the head can cause confusion (just ask the chicken) and ultimately results in a fall unless the head is replaced.

The book contends that a Spider is ultimately no match for a Starfish unless the Spider becomes more of a hybrid - takes on Starfish-like qualities. In order to take out a cell, you need to attack with a cell. On the other hand, if you want to catalyze change within the State or the Church - then you've got to do it from the ground up and start a movement among the people. You can't stop people from telling their own personal stories.

The book also describes key elements to a Starfish - five legs:

Leg 1: Circles - smaller units of people that are independent and autonomous.
Leg 2: Catalyst - the visionary, the vision holder, the one who inspires.
Leg 3: Ideology - common vision or beliefs or values
Leg 4: The Preexisting Network - various conglomerations of connecting circles
Leg 5: The Champion - the relentless promoter

All five legs working together can lead to world changing movements like the fights for Civil Rights and Womens' Suffrage and Marriage Equality.

I can go on and on about this stuff! I've even led a workshop called "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" using many of these concepts. If you want to continue a dialogue on this, please definitely contact me! (See top left column)

[Another side note: I was honored to have been given an advance copy of Ori Brafman's newest book (co-authored with his brother Rom Brafman), "SWAY: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior", now available today! I've already started reading it and it's awesome! You'll probably see me write more about it as I'll no doubt be processing much of the things they write about.]

So anyway, back on topic - these are the kinds of approaches I take in being a lifestyle catalyst to hopefully inspire change and growth and progress in my various communities, groups and social circles. These are also my approaches towards developing the new Catalyst as a somewhat hybrid organization - a community that is shaped by its members. Stay tuned!

Catalyst is just my way of telling my story and encouraging others to tell theirs. Find a way to tell your story to help others. As we all find ways of telling our stories, whether publicly and loudly or privately individually, we are all being catalytic. Our stories reshape people's view of who we are because they finally have an opportunity to see who we really are. When we are silent and hidden, people have no other frame of reference except for the voices of those talking about us. If I don't tell my own authentic story, then someone else will tell it and fill in their own blanks. I (almost) can't blame someone for attaching a stereotype or assumptions to their view of who I am.

We need to find ways of living authentically so that our accurate stories can be told. Then people can begin to empathize and relate with us as fellow members of the community.

We're Better Off Without You

2008-05-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Last week, the California Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality. “Separate but equal” is not constitutional. Yesterday, according to an article from the Associated Press, a federal appeals court took another step forward ruling that the military can’t automatically discharge people because they are gay.

It wasn’t a ruling against the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy requiring the discharge of service men and women who acknowledge being gay or engage in homosexual activity. However, the court placed the burden on the military saying that they must prove that the “dismissal furthers the military’s goals of troop readiness and unit cohesion”. The article added that military officials “need to prove that having this particular gay person in the unit really hurts morale, and the only way to improve morale is to discharge this person.” It sounds to me that this will require justification for every application of the policy.

Yes, because this person is gay and in our presence, none of us can do our jobs. None of us are safe!

Um yeah, prove that. We’ll see how long that will last before someone up there figures out that this policy doesn’t make sense, is unjust, and/or these court cases challenging dismissals due to the policy are costing a lot of money. It’s been suggested in the article that because of this court ruling, the days of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” are numbered.

Read the article here: "Federal Court Rules Against Military Gays Policy"

It's interesting how sometimes we'll sacrifice truly valuable members of our family, organization, community, or society for the sake of other people's discomfort. We'll be willing to release them from communion in order to preserve The Communion. I don't think injustice to preserve justice makes any sense to me . . . .

I'm not simply talking about asking a disruptive voice to leave the room. I'm talking about ejecting someone from fellowship or service for the sake of morale citing race, gender, or orientation as the cause for diminishing morale.

In 1995-ish, I was part of a co-ed fraternity. I joined this fraternity with a close friend of mine. Actually, she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. At the time we had realized that “it wasn’t working” and our break up led to the development of a pretty strong friendship. So when we got to college joining the co-ed frat was something we could do together. We learned about fraternal bonds of friendship and we got to participate in community service and we got to exhibit leadership and we were both viewed as assets to our fraternal community. Then she began a personal journey of her own and started dating a female to male transgendered person “in transition” (taking hormones and had plans for surgery).

This whole thing was new to everyone and the reaction and responses weren’t something to be proud about. I liked the person my friend started dating. I had never met someone like “him” before and I learned a ton. We became friends and it was my first exposure to the GLBT world. My friend had never experienced those feelings before and at the time she viewed it as a heterosexual relationship, albeit different and unconventional. Our fraternity brothers and sisters had never experienced this before and so the conversation during the official business meeting was about what to do about our “lesbian” sister. Emotions got pretty heated and people took divided stances on this “issue.” But since I was in the closet and Side X, I stayed silent. Neutral.

But I should have spoken up for my friend regardless of the position I took on the issue for myself. I can choose to be Side X for myself but that doesn’t mean my friend should be denied the right to make her own choices or that she should be disrespected for the choices she made. Being in the closet, I was pretty confused about the situation. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself or the dark secret that I held – especially after seeing which of my fraternity brothers and sisters would not have been supportive. It hit way too close to home for me and I needed to stay invisible.

My silence wasn’t my neutrality. By not speaking up in defense of my friend and fraternity sister, I catered to my own discomfort and I catered to the discomfort of my fraternity brothers and sisters. We were having a discussion that shouldn’t have taken place in the first place – that is, to consider disowning someone from our fraternal family because some were uncomfortable about whom she chose to date.

Who cares if they felt uncomfortable? What about her discomfort with being judged? Why was she dismissed so easily for the sake of the majority?

I can see that my journey didn’t begin in 2005 when I chose to try reconciling my faith and sexuality. I was on my journey, even back then 10 years prior, when I was seeing firsthand the injustice towards the marginalized. I’m ashamed that I participated in it.

The sad part to our journeys and stories that I wish the mainstream would begin to empathize with is that many of us have little options but to live a life in the closet, in secret and in hiding out of fear of being rejected only to be proven right when we’re released, dismissed or discharged from communion or service when the news is “out”.

What we hear is: “We’re better off without you.”

Tear.

Proposals and Conversations and Rulings, Oh My!

2008-05-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

I was speaking to my mom this past Sunday (Mother's Day) about getting married (some day). Like she often does, she talked about me finding a good filipino woman. I proceeded to tell my mom very casually, as I often do (in recent years), "Mama, I'm not going to marry a woman. I'm going to marry a man."

The conversation typically cycles through whether or not I'm sure and the fact that I can "arrange" to marry a woman from the Philippines (as if I couldn't find and marry a woman on my own! jeesh! =P ). But this time I told her that I don't want to do that because I want to be happy. I'm not going to be happy marrying a woman and besides the fact that it's not fair for her. Plus, I don't want to bring someone else into "our family" who I don't even care about (referring to some random filipino gal). I told her that the person I bring into "our family" is going to be someone I love and care about. It's going to mean something when he's part of "our family".

Then to seal the deal, I told her, "Well, when did you find out that Papa was gay? Wouldn't you have wanted to know? I don't want to do that. I want to be happy."

She couldn't argue with that. In fact, she seemed to receive it in a way that was a bit different - as if she was shifting from the denial and accepting the truth about her son . . . .

I told my mom and the rest of my siblings in November 2001 that I was struggling with same-sex attractions then on Christmas 2005 that I was no longer "struggling" and that I've found peace with God regarding me being gay. Since then my mom has been in the closet (we switched) about having a gay son, saying that she didn't want her sister (my aunt) to know about me.

During the conversation this past Sunday with my mom, I concluded with asking her to tell my aunt. The family had gathered at my aunt's place and so less than an hour upon my arrival I was bombarded with the usual interrogation from my aunt. You know, the "Sooooooo, when are you going to get married?" *insert high pitched inflection at the end with a filipino accent*

So I told my mom, "you've gotta tell her." I took the opportunity to tell my mom that I just want to be real and myself when I'm with the family. Plus I want her to be able to think of me - the normal and gay, sweet and good nephew that she loves - when she thinks of gay people. If she doesn't know, then she'll continue believing her stereotypes.

I hope my mom tells her sister about me. That would be a step forward for her. She said she would later in the day after I left. I'm proud of her though. She's been through a lot. Remember "my parent's before the divorce"?

I know that I'm very fortunate to have a family so loving and accepting of me. I'm proud of them!

I've also been proud of my city - Long Beach, CA - this place in which I live. Last September, in "One Man's Change of Heart" I made reference to how my own city council unanimously passed a resolution in support of marriage equality. It was amazing at the time because there had been two or three previous failed attempts to pass such a resolution in the city council. Here we are a city with an estimated 80,000 GLBT residents (according to census) , 20% of our city population, and it was still controversial. But then something shifted and the council at the time passed it unanimously. They took a step forward.

And now today, I'm sure you've heard the news and the buzz - the California Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny same sex couples the right - the freedom - to marry.

Article from CNN
Article from LA Times

CNN Report (video)
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome Speech (video)
Mayor Newsome Interview (video)

The pursuit for marriage equality isn't over as I'm sure opposing forces are mobilizing for a State Constitutional Amendment banning same sex marriage on the November ballot. Who knows how this drama will continue to unfold. My prayer is that justice will prevail.

It's not about politics for me. It's about justice. I'm not about to get die-hard political activist-y right now (since my approach is to be a catalyst over being an activist) but it just seems clear to me that we ought to support an individual's rights as a fellow citizen - not deny certain rights because of the kind of citizen they are. I know people have varying views about civil unions and domestic partnerships and stuff and how those have "some or most" of the civil rights, obligations, and responsibilities as marriages do, but "marriage-like" rights aren't the same as having the same rights of marriage.

Didn't some other high court in U.S. history rule regarding another hot topic at the time that "separate but equal" was unconstitutional?

I'm just saying.

Our civilization continues to take steps forward. I take steps forward. My mom takes steps forward. My family takes steps forward. My community and my city takes steps forward. My state is and is trying to take steps forward.

But at the end of the day, whether or not certain types of relationships should be deemed legal and allowable or not, I think we ought to focus on the fact that these are people who are in relationships and want to honor them. Whether gay or straight, our community needs healthy relationships. Those who are currently in long-term committed relationships set an example for those of us who barely know how to stay in a relationship (much less get into one!).

I have no doubt that one day I will have the right to marry. So how do I stay married?

Hiding Behind An Alias

2008-05-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

I decided to take another step out of hiding. It took nearly a week but it was finally approved. It had been years since I first started using the alias. I was discovering the Internet and began to present myself with the name. Funny thing about the Web . . . . it's easy to be anonymous and even easier to wear a mask. It's a two-dimensional thing, this computer screen and peripherals - and as connected as people can be online, each individual can choose just how connected they want to be. Or rather, you can choose just how much you want people to connect with you.

So after years of keeping the alias "Johnson" for a last name, I decided last week to update my name on Facebook. I am now . . . . Eric Leocadio. Yes, that's me. No, the alias isn't referencing a body part. Why I chose to adopt that last name is another story for another time . . . perhaps over a drink if someone really wants to know. =P

However, keeping the alias began more for anonymity. I could be a different person . . . .

It's not that I had shady intentions, just that it kept me at a safe distance. It was safe not being known. Being in the closet, that's what I wanted. However, prolonged time in the closet takes its toll. Eventually, that safe place of anonymity became a hiding place. The closet was a place where no one could find me. I didn't want to be found. When I lived dualistically, I could craft exactly how I wanted people to see me - the straight over-achieving more mature for his age charming sensitive smart faithful godly guy. Since my world was immersed in church culture, it wasn't safe for me to sort out what it meant to be gay. Ironically and sadly, the church wasn't a refuge for me. In fact, in many ways it was an emotionally painful environment. In my opinion, we ought to be able to be safe to understand our sexuality with our spiritual community, trusted friends and mentors. Not having that safe place, both the closet and the Internet were my escape. Porn was an outlet.

As God continued to guide my journey, He proved to be the safest place for me (despite the church culture). With my Lord, I could be myself because I knew He already knew everything about me. And the more we grew in this interactive relationship with each other, the more I learn what it means to be a gay man. I'm not learning this from the gay community and I am most definitely not learning this from the church community nor am I learning it from the Internet and many of its unhealthy outlets.

I have been learning what it means to be a gay man from the Lord. *dodges the stones being hurled because of such blasphemy*

What I mean is that the Lord is teaching me what unconditional love looks like. I know He already knows me completely. And yet His love is offered, accepted, and experienced despite the things about me that both He and I know. And so, being given the freedom to not only approach the Lord authentically but also to remain in His presence authentically, I am allowed to begin a process of loving myself the way that my Lord does. Yeah, I know I don't always do that. But this interactive relationship with the Lord keeps reminding me of that ongoing lesson.

So what does it mean for me to be gay, Lord?

Here's the thing . . . . as a gay man, it's not about sex and it's not about men and it's not about sexuality and it's not about gender. For me, the Lord has granted me a lens for which to see the world that He loves. As a gay man, I understand prejudice. I understand insecurity. I understand vanity. I understand suffering. I understand being misunderstood. I understand the desire to give up and attempt death prematurely. I understand the need for intimacy in a broader culture that defines it by gender or holiness or unholiness. I understand the gray areas. I understand the hot zone.

It is because I am a gay man that I can empathize. But the catalyst for my empathy for others is my own authenticity. Because as long as I remain in the closet, in one way or another, whether online with an alias or at work or in church or among family and friends, I remain detached, disconnected, separated and unknown - unable to fully love others in the context of their journey, struggle and experiences because, being in the closet, I was unable to fully love myself in the context of my journey - being gay, being non-white, being un-super-modelish. Who could love the real me? Not me. And so I hid. My loved ones were denied the opportunity to really empathize because I wasn't even presenting the real me. So what was there to empathize with?

As I often say, coming out isn't about expressing myself as gay but rather expressing myself as Eric. Eric Leocadio. Because as I learn to love me the way He loves me, with all of my imperfections and HUGE mistakes of the past (present and future too) and forgiving myself the way He has already forgiven me, He shows me how to love past what we see or judge from the surface. He shows me how to experience empathy for others through my own authenticity. He shows me how to love.

The blessing of being gay, authentically, is the lens in which I have to see the world.

This doesn't mean I have 20/20 vision. Since I tread the path of my journey for the rest of my life, I am learning still how not to hide. I hid for so many years - it's a familiar habit, one that can be a default mode when my "issues" resurface.

But when I am hiding from Him, the mirror, the world, that's when the Lord approaches me, when He comes and finds me. And as I allow Him to love me as I am, He prompts me to come out, step into the light, so that I may be exposed and loved.

Happy Bonzai Birthday Buddy!

2008-05-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrated my buddy's birthday! His bf organized a surprise party for him tonight and it was fun seeing him laugh so much with all his girlfriends from work. I chose to honor our friendship this year with the gift of a bonzai tree. It's significant because he is always examining his character so that he may better himself and grow as a person. I respect the way he cares for his mind, body and spirit, and so I thought that the bonzai is an awesome representation of who he is - always pruning, always sculpting, always exemplifying art and beauty.

I've mentioned my buddy numerous times before here on TWC. He is someone who constantly inspires me towards growth and authenticity. We've been friends for almost 3 years and room mates for the past 2 years almost. At times, it seems we live very independent lives as we both do our own thing and our paths cross in the apartment occasionally. We both work; he's at the tail end of finishing his master's degree; I'm always working on the Catalyst website; he spends quality time with his bf; i'm often out having coffee/lunch/dinner meetings with people. But even as busy as it gets, we do get to connect and catch up and we have awesome and many times meaningful conversations. Our friendship is refreshing because we both have some kind of passion that we each strive to live out in our lives. He is a catalyst in my life and I thank God for his friendship.

Happy Birthday buddy!

Over 30 and Single?

2008-04-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

So I decided that I'm not currently "actively" looking to date right now. Then I saw this advertisement on Facebook:

That's just wrong.

Looking to Fit

2008-04-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

I think many of us can relate to similar themes of disconnectedness. I received an email the other day from a TWC reader who found similarities in our stories. In responding to him, I ended up processing more of my recent thoughts and so I figured it was blog-worthy. After all, that is what this blog is for - to aid me in processing my thoughts to see how God is shaping me.

Along my journey, I felt like I didn't fit in either the gay or church or Asian world. I tell some of this in my YouTube story. In the current chapter of my life, I've found peace in pursuing authenticity - being a man of God who is gay and Filipino. The great thing about this kind of journey is that i'm not wandering aimlessly - I've got a direction that leads towards Christ . . . . He's given me a vision and a purpose and that's very exciting too. My vision is to inspire a greater sense of community, collaboration, and citizenship through meaningful relationships - and it's taken the form of a community organization that I founded two years ago. After further shaping and molding of what I've been hearing from Him, I'll hopefully be relaunching the organization in about a month. After honestly seeking and discerning the Lord's will for my next steps, I can say that He wants me to invest my energies in the vision He's given me and to support peripherally the vision He's given others, my friends in the Kingdom. So the road ahead of me is pretty clear - in terms of purpose.

On a personal level, I think I am missing something in my life. I want a companion to walk with. Doing this journey solo isn't something I'm afraid of because I've always done it solo. I've never been in a relationship before. But I'm recognizing my need for romantic intimacy and I think i'm just being honest with myself about that. I wouldn't paint a picture of myself as someone who is desperate or even a basket case because that wouldn't be accurate. But I would say that I ask God to continue to prepare me and him for each other and to bring us together when we're both ready for each other.

I don't think my desire is to be perfect. I've been pretty good at owning up to my imperfections and living through them. I think it would probably be more of a desire to fit. It's hard being a bridge builder. I was always wanting to be part of this community or that community then I realized that maybe I'm not supposed to only be part of one side of the bridge or the other but rather in the middle. I'm discovering that there is a community of bridge builders - those who are familiar with being in that place, that role. The greater vision for this realization is imagining what it would look like if bridge builders connected together. Then many many communities would have the opportunity to connect on multiple bridges and thus meet people they would never have met before in their own spheres. I think that's where God is taking the new organization - to bring fellow catalysts to the surface and then connect us together. (I'm so excited to show it to you when we're ready to go public!)

Hmm . . . . whether in a companion or in other catalysts, perhaps I'm looking for people like me. Maybe God is patiently constructing the kind of community I've been wanting to be part of. Who's with me? =P

Thank you, friends, for continuing to journey with me. I hope sharing what God is doing in me will prompt you to listen to what God is doing in you. Pursue authenticity. Empathize with those who are trying to be authentic. I believe that's how we begin to relate; that's how we begin to connect; that's how we begin to fit.

Vulnerable Again

2008-04-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I've wanted to write and say here for the past several months. I know it's been awhile since I've really laid it all out - allowed myself to be completely raw. To be honest, i'm fighting for authenticity and i'm finding that hard because I don't feel safe. I know that I "am" safe. I just don't "feel" safe. It's hard to be authentic with you when I'm barely holding on trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again.

It's okay to be vulnerable again. Tell me it's okay to be vulnerable again.

Things have changed. And ironically, nothing has changed . . . . While on the one hand, I feel excited about fresh vision for what God wants me to do in the community. Yet on the other hand, there's me. The thing is . . . as much as I enjoy being able to help connect other people together, I'm perpetually longing to be connected myself. How can I help others do what I can't seem to do myself? Surely there are others better suited to receive and carry out a God-given vision. And still, there's this passion in me that drives me forward. If there are others out there who feel the way I do, I want to help because I think at the end of the day it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

There's this constant battle within me - yet another collision. I want to change the world but I feel like I can't do that until I change me. Perhaps I want to change the world because I can't change me. Or maybe I just want to be the kind of help for others that I'm desperately lacking. Maybe i'm always trying to serve other people's needs because I have needs. Perhaps, I just relate.

I'm okay admitting the fact that I'm broken. No, i'm not broken because I'm gay. My genes and my sexuality don't make me broken. Of anything, it's a [side X] culture that denies us from growing and developing socially and authentically that breaks our spirits (as if those gays are some kind of animals needing to be tamed). But no, i'm not broken because I'm gay. I'm broken because I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of my life - trying to use God's clues to discover where I fit.

Is it wrong to have a personal motive in trying to "give"? Am I just trying to help myself feel significant in this world? Is it wrong to just want to matter? Does admitting this make my cause for the community less virtuous? Less righteous? Can I just reclaim my right and my choice to be authentic, real . . . again. Dunno. But what I do know is that the many hills and valleys on this journey of mine brings me still closer to Christ admitting to Him that I still find it hard to look in the mirror. If I can't look at me, how can I really let you look at me? And so the hiding begins.

Maybe it's me that I don't feel safe with. Hmm . . . .

*exits closet*

I wish I could be this awesome success story for you and say that I once was lost but now I'm found - I once was confused and now I understand - I once was sad and now I'm happy - I once experienced a collision of worlds and now I've achieved cohesion.

But I can't.

The truth is - my story isn't finished yet. I still have much to battle, much to overcome, much to sort through. There's much too much to say I've succeeded at anything except the fact that I'm still on this journey - treading this path, continuing to walk towards my Christ, and along the way crying like a baby, laughing like a kid, imagining like a dreamer, learning like a student and pressing forward like a young man imperfect, forgiven, and graciously understood by his God.

Say It's Possible

2008-04-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

I've been hoping to feel safe enough to blog again. I know, it's been too long. Until then, there's Jay Brannan singing a cover of Terra Naomi's "Say It's Possible". I actually like Jay's version better though because his emotion matches how I feel and he sounds absolutely beautiful! Plus, Jay is shirtless. :p But you should also check out Terra's official video of the song here.

Here's Jay on my behalf:

"Say It's Possible" by Terra Naomi

I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNING
AND I LOOK OUTSIDE THE STARS ARE BURNING
THROUGH THIS CHANGING TIME
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING WE WANT
IT'S FINE SALVATION WAS JUST A PASSING THOUGHT.

DON'T WAIT ACT NOW
THIS AMAZING OFFER WON'T LAST LONG
IT'S ONLY A CHANCE TO PAVE THE PATH WE'RE ON
I KNOW THERE ARE MORE EXCITING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
AND IN TIME WE'LL SORT IT OUT

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

AND TRUTH IS SUCH A FUNNY THING
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
KEEP ON TELLING ME
THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST
AND WHAT TO BE FRIGHTENED OF
AND ALL THE REST ARE WRONG
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....

THIS COULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
COMBINE OUR LOVE INTO SOMETHING WONDERFUL
BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH I KNOW
AND THE PULL OF WHAT WE CAN'T GIVE UP TAKES HOLD

(c) Terra Naomi 2006

Blade - March 2008 Issue

2008-03-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

The March '08 issue of the Blade is out featuring local SoCal LGBT artists. I had the honor of writing up the feature on my friends Siena and Toast of Makena.

Check out the cover story here!

Rise Above This

2008-03-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

"Rise Above This" by Seether

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Rise above this, rise above this doubt

To The Ones I Love

2008-02-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

I think I've practically boycotted Valentines Day just about every year. Bah humbug and a toast to Single Awareness Day and all that jazz. But hope remains and I'm neither desperate nor bitter this year.

I guess a part of me has worn my heart on my sleeve - here it is, this is how I feel. But it has less to do with me being a romantic and more to do with the fact that I'm trying to be more authentic in general. And I feel a ton more alive and appreciative of the fact that I am free to care and share and love and cry.

"I like you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Authenticity to contrast the closet has been refreshing. It's fun to live outside of the prison of my own head with the coulda-shoulda-woulda-if-only-but-maybe tapes stuck on constant replay. The abundant life that God has promised is in the here and now and this time I'm accepting the gift. I can only trust that the Lord has heard my petitions for the "one" companion who would complement (not complete) me - we are better together than separate.

In the mean time, I want to be intentional about not neglecting to notice the "ones" that God has blessed me with in my life.

To the one who has been my partner in purpose,
To the one who catalyzed my journey in 2005,
To the one who keeps me silly,
To the one who literally stood by my side in the wake of 2001,
To the one who has shown me that strength is more than simple physical endurance,
To the one who embodied friendship towards me when I was clearly struggling,
To the one who proves that the Internet really does keep friends connected,
To the one who makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME,
To the one who inspires me to care,
To the one who has been like my little brother,
To the one who has restored my hope in that rare creature called a mutual connection,
To the One who never left me . . . .

Each of you have touched my heart and my life in an amazing way. And so with my heart and with my life I say,

"I love you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Candidate or Catalyst?

2008-02-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

I walked away from the polls today realizing that I had never before wrestled this much with choosing a Presidential candidate. The results and whether or not I voted for the one that actually wins is less relevant to me than having my singular voice heard and counted.

Having never been well versed with history or politics, trying to engage in an intelligent political conversation would just make me look silly. I've always strayed away from politics-as-usual because the smell of conflict and tension makes me cringe. I'm tired of the same ole red vs. blue debates. I hold no loyalty to either party and so it had always seemed better to me to tune out.

However, change is in the air and I'm tuning in. I welcome change because I have changed. My world view has changed and that has affected the lens in which I use to answer many questions: How do I live a lifestyle of faith? How do I experience myself and my relationships authentically? How do I respond to injustice? How do I love others more fully?

My paradigm shift over these past several years has gradually led me to a natural interest and participation in public policy because I want to live in a country (world) that respects and allows me to explore those questions without the mixed messages that communicate "you are an equal unless you want to be different". I think it's important to be involved in the process because I want to be part of the culture shift. So now is the time to cast my vote to be part of catalyzing that change . . . .

I oscillated back and forth today between the two democratic candidates that represented change. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. I voted for Bush . . . twice. Yeah, I've changed in recent years. But today being Super-Duper Amazing Tuesday (as my friend Ross called it) in the delegate-rich California, I went through the entire day undecided about how I was going to vote. I had been inclined towards Barack for his inspirational presence for months but in the last two weeks I couldn't ignore the experience that Hillary brings to the forefront.

Both represent change. Both represent me, in certain ways. But i've also found points or issues that I don't completely subscribe to from both candidates. I'm learning that that's okay. It'd be arrogant of me to feel like the best candidate for President of the United States is the one that holds my issues and positions as if my opinion and perspective is the best one for the country. No, i've got much to learn.

I weighed both candidates all day. I inquired with friends and those I respect about how they were inclined. I examined both their web sites and each of their claims on positions they take on issues. Plus here and minus there. Plus there and minus here. Less than an hour before polls closed, I saw strengths and weaknesses in both candidates and still had not yet decided. Reading up on their issues and background didn't help me make a decision. And I stepped into my poll booth not knowing how I was going to vote.

So I decided not to simply vote for the candidate - the black man or the white woman. Both have plans and strategies that could work and both surround themselves with advisors with a wealth of experience. Instead I decided to vote for the catalyst - the one who spoke my language, the one who could inspire the nation onto its feet to move itself. At the end of this (Super Duper Amazing) day, I don't need my candidate to have all the answers to the problems - just one that will show me that I can be part of the solution.

bXg in the Mid-South Region

2008-02-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

Beyond Ex-Gay is hosting a Mid-South Regional Gathering at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center on February 23, 2008 from 2:00 - 5:00 PM. There will be workshops, round table discussions, support and a series of events called "Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth: A Weekend of Action and Art". My friends Peterson Toscano, Christine Bakke, and Daniel Gonzales will be there helping to organize and mobilize for this event, as well as Jim Burroway and Jacob Wilson.

I highly recommend that you plug in to this event if you are in this region. If you have been through an ex-gay program or if you are struggling to reconcile your faith and sexuality in the context of a Side X culture or if you want to explore how to tell your story effectively to help others, where ever you are, I encourage you to travel in to Memphis, TN for this gathering. There will be people there who understand and can help!

For more info, go to http://beyondexgay.com/conference/midsouth08.

Also check out this video from last summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference:

Snow Days in SoCal

2008-01-28T00:42:00.000-08:00

Since last week was an incredibly emotionally difficult week for me (having felt slandered, publicly attacked, spoken harshly about, had my motives and character questioned, wrongly accused, and just plain persecuted by a couple (perhaps, really just one) of immature guys who claimed to be Christians (and my friends at one time) and were having a tantrum because their expectations for a meeting weren't met and so launched a witch hunt campaign against me which only succeeded in revealing their own pride and malicious nature), I decided to get away from the drama for a weekend by celebrating my pal Ryan's 30th birthday up in Big Bear.

I've gotta say that I had THE most absolutely FUN weekend EVER!

Oh my gosh, seriously, I enjoyed myself so much with genuine friends! It was Ryan's bday weekend so we rented a cabin, made a snowman named "Choncho", played board games (including a fun one called Boxers or Briefs), drank and were merry, enjoyed an awesome fireplace, hung out in the jacuzzi in the rain, stayed up all night, then had waffles for breakfast and spent Sunday afternoon inner-tubing down the slopes. Plus, I experienced my very first falling snow!!!

I had always romanticized "the snow" because i've never really lived in it. I left the Philippines when I was three years old. My family lived in Illinois for a couple of years after that so the last time I remember snow and making snowmen and making snow tunnels was back when I was around four or five years old! After this we lived in Hawaii for all of my elementary years, then I've lived in Southern California since then. So I've always wanted to experience falling snow. And now I have! I was way super excited and I was like a little kid when it finally happened.

The coolest thing though is that my friends didn't make fun of my exhilaration. They were excited for me and even participated in my anticipation of it. Wow, see these are the kind of friends with whom I want to surround myself. In our small group this weekend, we were all pretty much Ryan's friends. It was, afterall, in celebration of him! So some of these were actually new friends for me which speaks volumes of the kind of guy Ryan is and the kinds of friends he keeps.

Yeah, I'm a fan. He's my pal who I've grown to love and respect. Among the numerous things that I admire about him, one is his sense of adventure. Knowing him inspires me to want to live and experience life and new things. I've experienced many "firsts" with Ryan as we've hung out. Experiencing my first snow and going inner-tubing for the first time are just the most recent added to that list. The cool thing, too, is that we're working together in Catalyst and it's been so much fun connecting with him and sharing common vision and passion for serving the community. Ryan makes the list of heroes. It's going to be exciting to see what God has in store!

So anyway, as I searched online for a meaningful gift for Ryan, I wanted to find a photo that captured "Adventure". And I found a perfect one entitled, "Endless Adventure". I ordered it, cropped it myself, framed it myself, and presented it to my pal.

All this is to say, "Happy Birthday, Ryan!" Here's to endless adventures!

Check out our fun photos from our super fun Snow Days in SoCal here.

Reconciled Friendship

2008-01-25T03:46:00.000-08:00

I've always thought it to be God's sick sense of humor to use me as a relational catalyst. It's true that God has often used me as one who connects others together, facilitates introductions, and subtly steps back as others enjoy friendship and fellowship. It's fun being a catalyst because i'm connected in some way to many relationships. In the past couple months, I've recently been revitalized with fresh vision for Catalyst and I'm excited for what God has in store for connecting sub-communities together, pastors and people of faith together, individuals together!

I've often been called a social butterfly but the truth is that I'm very much more comfortable engaging in smaller groups. I refer to God's sense of humor because it seems like He's called one of the most unqualified people in the world to be a "people person".

Me? Are you kidding? Lord, you want me to engage the conversation with others about healthy platonic and romantic relationships in our community? No, seriously?!

God chuckles.

My own relationships are complicated enough. I can't possibly judge someone else's. I can barely navigate my own! I've gone on (few, trust me - few!) dates but i'm not dating someone (though I want to be). I love and appreciate my family but I'm not part of their daily lives and only see them on holidays or during family gatherings. I've got lots of friends but just a few that I'd call for a needed pick up at the airport.

And while I appreciate the people in my life who I interact with on a daily, weekly, monthly, or even occasional basis, there are even fewer in the inner circle that have been both time-tested and fire-tested. A couple months ago, I slammed one of those friends in "Abandoned Friendship" and even made reference to him on YouTube (of all places) in "Side X Culture". If a friendship was ever considered time and fire tested, this is one of them . . . .

Yes, we've been friends for about nine years. Perhaps it was a sucker-punch to make reference to him here. But he knows that this blog has always been a space for me to process my thoughts and feelings - raw. And since you as a reader only get my side of it, I can pretty much have the effect of demonizing him unfairly.

Sorry.

However, I didn't lie or say anything out of malice. I was honest about how I feel and that's significant for my journey out of the closet these past few years. It's not easy reassessing the friendship of someone who's proven himself worthy of the inner circle. The truth is that I actually was feeling hurt, replaced, abandoned for numerous reasons - many of which he's owned up to - but our situation the past several years has been complex. It's not so simple to say that our friendship was conditional. When I came out and voluntarily left the organization that we both started, I felt like I was thrown to the wolves. I had hoped he would have defended me when I was attacked.

While this recent season was challenging for our friendship, I also acknowledge that he's earned his stripes and trust with me in other seasons. He stood behind me during one of the most difficult trials in my life. He was there in 2001. If you've ever read or heard me say that "my character is not defined by the mistakes I've made but rather by the lessons I've learned", it's because he affirmed that in our friendship so that I could own that for my journey.

By the time I wrote "Abandoned Friendship" this past October, I had already emotionally given up. By the time I told my story and it was posted on YouTube at the new year, I had already been referencing him to make the broader point about the Church and gay Christians. He knew about both.

Earlier this week, we met for the first time since I wrote and spoke those things.

Over the course of our conversation, we were able to reconcile. Mostly, I think it was because in planning to meet, we were planning to reconcile. I don't think either of us were approaching the meeting with the intent of picking at wounds. We were able to reconcile because we both value reconciliation. So while I knew that it'd be difficult, I also already knew that we would indeed reconcile.

It was important for us to really hear each other. It was important for us to live out humility. It was important for us to acknowledge the hurt we each had been experiencing and that we each made decisions in reaction to that hurt.

I discovered that I was wrong about his stance. I thought that he was Side B while I was struggling with same sex attractions but that he had reverted back to Side X (yes, i'm aware of the political overtones of phrasing it like that) after I came to a Side A conclusion. My assumption was that he was willing to meet me half way in my "struggle" so that he could escort me back to Side X, but since I went the opposite direction he parted ways with a failed project. That wasn't true. I learned that he had always maintained a Side B view. (Not tracking my references to Sides A/B/X? See here.)

Honestly, this error shaped much of my hurt and how I re-interpreted our past. This doesn't negate the truth that so many of us are indeed hurt by what we perceive as conditional friendships in the Church. The Church still needs to acknowledge that.

But in this particular friendship, I took it very personal when I thought he went from Side B to Side X because to me it communicates inclusion to exclusion - from acknowledging me as a brother in Christ to acknowledging me as a heretic. I thought he had disowned me. That's why it hurt so much.

But he didn't. While theologically we disagree about the acceptability of gay relationships or the burden of celibacy, we both still acknowledge that we are in the same Family of God.

That's huge.

In many ways, God continues to call the two of us to the same vision - even now in separate organizations. He works with the mainline and mainstream churches while I strive to connect with inclusive churches that affirm gay believers like me and we each work to mobilize God's people towards relationship. Maybe God can use the two of us to mend a fractured Church? Or at the very least, fractured relationships. For both of us, it's never been about the organizations we establish or lead but rather it's always been about living out a lifestyle of faith in such a way to call the Church to do the same. The Church will always disagree about things but can we do so without disowning one another?

My friend and I were able to reconcile because we planned on reconciling. Perhaps the Church should take the same approach.

Side X Culture

2008-01-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

This is the fourth video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read "Sankofa (Part 3)" and also "Side X Culture and a Vision for an Inclusive Community."

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.

And now watch, Part 4: Side X Culture:

Isolation and Exclusion

2008-01-14T00:19:00.000-08:00

This is the third video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, read "Community of Profound Loneliness".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion:

Missed Opportunity

2008-01-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. I pre-judged RJ Helton unfairly.

He was a guest at last weekend's GCN conference in DC and I wasn't exactly one of the guys fawning all over him. Honestly, I had never heard of him before. The only thing I knew was what others had been saying "about" him - something about him being on American Idol season 1 (which I never saw), him being gay (which seemed evident), and him being caught with his pants down at a club. Actually the rumor I heard was that a photo was taken with his pants down showing his underwear but I think the context was that he may have been "pants'ed" by a drag queen? while he was performing a song.

Whatever.

The point is that I . . . . formed my whole image of who this guy is based simply on things people said about him. So when the time came to see him, I didn't give him a chance. In fact, I didn't even go to his concert (except for peeking in for literally two minutes out of curiosity). Then as the conference progressed and people who liked him shared about how they were touched by him, I felt pretty indifferent about it.

Then it came time for everyone at the conference to share their experiences during an open mic session that lasted three and a half hours. RJ was asked to sing a song and before doing so, he shared from his heart about what was going on inside of him. He began to share about how much it meant to him to have so much love from all of "us". Yeah, Gay Christians. He said that it was because of his interaction with many friendly people at the conference, he had finally begun looking again towards a God who loved him. He cried and cried and people cried and cried and then he sung an (honestly) amazing song.

I realized, then, that I'm a schmuck. I hadn't given him a chance. And even IF the things I assumed about him were true, who am I to judge him and to not give him the time of day or to even listen to him sing one full song? God touched his heart and drew him back to Himself by using gay Christians at the conference. And I wasn't one of them because, what?, i'm too good? Not at all! I was so set on not being impressed by his celebrity that I didn't allow myself to be impressed by his heart.

Lord, forgive me for judging RJ Helton harshly and for not demonstrating or expressing Your love towards him. To RJ, (doubtful he'll read this), while I never spoke to you in person, I'm sorry for being a prick - in my heart towards you. I pray God's continued blessings for you. I don't want to miss another opportunity to serve God because I wasn't paying attention to who He was loving at the time.

Gosh, I feel like the mainstream Church who are clueless about the fact that God is loving His gay people. Ouch.

Blade - January 2008 Issue

2008-01-09T01:04:00.000-08:00

The January '08 issue of the Blade is out now. As a contributing writer, I've got one news article in there on Mick & Mack's - a local gay bar/restaurant/club in Long Beach that has been closed for a couple months.

Check out my article here:

"Mick & Mack's Down But Not Yet Done"

The Ex-Gay Program

2008-01-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

This is the second video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read my "Ex-Gay Survivor Story".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program:

Final Day in DC

2008-01-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

As the GCN conference closes for 2008, the official announcement has been made. The next GCN conference for 2009 will be here in Southern California! Woo hoo!!!

I'm back home now and apparently it's been raining all weekend here. I love the rain so I'm a tad bummed that I've been missing it in exchange for the nice clear days in Washington DC. Well, not really all that bummed. Besides, it's still raining.

I had time to say a few good byes before leaving for the airport. Among so many people that I was glad to meet, one of them was my pal David from the blog Resolving Realities. That's our mugs in the pic. We didn't get to hang out for a lengthy period of time, but it's always fun meeting fellow bloggers! It was also super fun seeing my bud Charlie from London again. He always, ALWAYS makes me laugh and smile.

With next year's conference coming to this region next year, I'm wondering and hoping that the conference planner(s) will let me take an active role in planning things - if not certain parts. I'd really like to take it to the next level for GCN and I've got a vision for how it could be. But it all depends on what they say because it's their role to plan the annual conferences. Either way, i'll make myself available to help in any way since I'm local. Plus there are tons of local people here that would help out too. Regardless, Ryan and I will be working together this year to establish and to bring an awareness of a gay Christian infrastructure in Southern California - including connecting with inclusive churches, businesses and community organizations. This will be an activity of Catalyst so it would only make sense to tie things in with GCN's conference.

It'll be awesome!

Third Full Day in DC

2008-01-06T08:01:00.000-08:00

As much as I could, I tried to be friendly and introduce myself to people I had never met. I would hope that I am an approachable kind of guy - sometimes it would appear like I'm always busy or always on the move or always around people but really I enjoy connecting with people. Being an introvert, I took some time every now and then to rejuvenate on my own by sitting alone to take a breath before plunging back in to the crowds. Being social really is a choice for me and I try not to let being an introvert become an excuse not to talk to people. I'm genuinely interested in people and since I have no other agenda except to know people and to let them feel valued, it's easier for me to be that "social butterfly".

I'm really glad that several people throughout the past three days sought me out and introduced themselves to me just to say hello and thanks for TWC. I felt like there was a mutuality to my experience here - both I and others were making an effort to meet new people. I had some really awesome and lengthy conversations, heard a great keynote from Jay Bakker, led a workshop i'm happy about, and heard some awesome tear-jerking stories from conference-goers . . . .

At the beginning of the day, the first keynote speaker of the conference was Jay Bakker. I was touched in so many ways as he talked about the death of his mother Tammy Faye, other issues with his own family, and the hurt he felt from friends for being a straight advocate for gay rights. He's such a big name here that people often fawned over him. I'm not the type to stalk celebrities because I don't want to come across as "one of those fans" so I tried to respect his space and distance. I imagine it can be overwhelming at times and I'd rather just be normal. So I went to the elevator last night and saw him trapped in it by a guy holding it open just to talk with him and I was like "oh no, one of them!" So when the guy finally released the door, I laughed and Jay affirmed being held hostage. I introduced myself and we were both friendly. I don't think any of us left the elevator scared. LOL

In the afternoon, I led my second workshop on "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" and I was very pleased with it. I got to share my heart and my approach to working with groups and I got to offer practical tips for them to catalyze their own local groups. I got tons of great feedback from people who found the workshop very helpful so I'm looking forward to staying connected with many of them who want to continue the conversation and bounce ideas and questions off me. I'd love to do this workshop again!

I had an incredibly refreshing dinner conversation with a new friend named David. As many of the conference-goers went to dinners in large groups, David and I decided to deviate and have a more quiet meal together in our own booth. I found David fascinating as he told me his story. He's clergy and gay. He's Side A celibate and leads to an independent Catholic parish - two things that I had never heard of before. Maintaining a Side A perspective, he does believe that it's okay to be gay and that all people (both gay and straight) are to have healthy romantic relationships. However, he feels personally called to celibacy. I find that fascinating! He also told me that there are many independent Catholic parishes that are no longer connected to Rome. Many of them keep relations with other independent Catholic parishes and it was awesome to hear how they support one another and even develop their own accountability system among trusted fellow clergy. I found so much in common with David and I learned so many things that I had not known before. He truly was a blessing! I'll be staying in touch with David.

Last night's conference session was a sharing time - an open mic to give conference go-ers an opportunity to share what's on their hearts, what God has been revealing to them, some of their story, and who has touched their lives at the conference and during their journey. This is my third conference and it's always amazing to hear how God is actually using GCN to impact so many lives. It last three and a half hours and concluded at midnight!

Another awesome conversation that I had was with Ross of In Lay Terms. He came to the conference as an invited guest as someone from Lutherans Concerned - an LGBT organization for Lutherans. He's also a co-director for The Naming Project - an LGBT youth organization. He had been spending much of his time talking with various people about one of the upcoming conferences he's connected to so, like me, he was always around people. I mentioned to him at some point that I wanted to talk with him later during the conference to hear his "schpeel and his schory (story)" - to know more about the conference, his organization, and his story. It seemed we could never get together during the meal breaks or in the hotel lobby so I figured it'd never happen. Plus, I thought, with all the people he's talked to, that he didn't remember me anyway. Until last night he went to look for me! I'm glad he did because we ended up talking all night (morning) from 1am - 4am. It was fun because we mutually shared our hearts and passions and vision for things we're a part of. We're similar in tons of ways and it was fun just to have one of those natural kind of conversations where every time we realized it was late and would have wrapped up our time we'd end up talking about something else and talk for yet another hour. I'm looking forward to keeping in touch with him!

I've met tons of awesome people here, many of whom I'm looking forward to staying connected with!

Second Full Day in DC

2008-01-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I pretty much slept in yesterday morning because I hadn't fallen asleep until 4am. By the time I was up and ready for the day it was brunch then off to the next keynote speaker. For the afternoon session I facilitated the first of two small group workshops. This one was on "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online While Developing Community in the Process" and I think it went relatively well. I intentionally kept it casual and I wanted it to be more discussion oriented. On the blogosphere, we're all on a level playing field - everyone has a voice. I definitely don't consider myself an expert at blogging, so during the workshop I wanted our interaction to reflect that same level playing field where we could all learn from one another's stories and experiences. I built a blog for the workshop to illustrate examples and to share resources. We'll also be using it to connect everyone part of the workshop.

For dinner, I hung out with my friends Christine, JJ, and Eugene - all fellow bloggers. It's super fun connecting with them in person because all of us kind of developed a sense of friendship and community with each other progressively online through our blogs. In fact, JJ started her blog soon after I did, then Eugene did after her so we were all pretty new to blogging when we all began to connect and share lives and comments virtually. Fun times!

Later in the evening, a bunch of us hung out in the lobby until 2 AM playing board games. I have a new favorite game now - it's called Guillotine! Oh so much fun! Then we chit chatted for awhile as more people came by then we played Settlers of Catan's exansion Knights and Cities. I hope that's what it's called. I was learning it for the first time.

Over the past 14 years, I've gone to SO MANY conferences. I find the most value in connecting with people. I've been meeting tons of new friends. I've been reconnecting with old friends from different parts of the country. It's a privilege and honor to be able to contribute by leading and facilitating workshops. The keynote speakers are thought provoking. So I'm having a great time.

Today should be fun. This morning, Jay Bakker of Revolution Church will be the keynote speaker. He's known for being on the forefront of being inclusive of gays and lesbians in the Church. As a straight pastor with notable parents, he's been taking tons of heat from the mainstream Side X church community. So i'm looking forward to what he has to share. Later this afternoon, i'm leading the second small group workshop on "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area". I'm excited about what I have to offer so I hope it all goes well!

First Full Day in DC

2008-01-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was our first full day in Washington DC - here for the 2008 GCN Conference. This is my third conference! Bryan, Ryan and I spent the afternoon at the National Mall checking out the sites and it was awe-inspiring to be in such a historical place of freedom. We also took some goofy pics! You can check them out here in my facebook photo album.

By dinner Ryan and I went to dinner with Heidi and Mike. It was so awesome meeting them for the first time. While i've met fellow bloggers and/or TWC readers before, I'm the first online blogger friend that they've met. It was really fun meeting them and we had some great conversation about the Church, about being "post-congregational" and about the Church's response towards gay believers. They are an awesome couple!

After dinner, I met a ton of cool GCN'ers before the conference began. It's also fun to meet some of you TWC readers! Gosh, that's humbling cuz I am SO not a celebrity. If you're here at the conference, be sure to introduce yourself to me! Justin gave a fun keynote speech as usual. Later in the evening, we made our way to an Irish pub and I got a tad buzzed. You know you're gay when you go to an Irish pub and order a blue drink. Hey, i like Blue Hawaiians! Plus I had a couple shots of jaegermeisters too. =P

It was a fun first day! Today, the conference continues and I'll be doing my first of two small group workshops - "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online and Developing Community in the Process". I'll let you know how it goes!

Suicide and The Porcelain Punisher

2008-01-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

This is the first video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, you can also read "Sankofa (Part 1)".

Here are the other segments of the video series:

Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 1: Suicide and The Porcelain Punisher:

Washington DC, Here I Come!

2008-01-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

It's just after 2 A.M. and I'll be waking up at 5:30 A.M. to get ready and go to the airport. I'll be heading to Washington DC for the GCN Conference on Jan. 3-6th, 2008. I'm so excited to be going!

I'll be rooming with my good friend Ryan. We'll be having a large group dinner for early-arrivers Weds night. Thursday, we'll be going to the National Mall to see stuff, then we're going ice skating!

Then (hopefully) we'll be meeting up with . . . . Heidi and Michael Daniels for dinner. They are fellow bloggers and it's always fun meeting bloggers offline during my travels. (Gosh, I remember it was two years ago while at my first GCN conference in Florida when I met my first fellow blogger - my gal bud Angel and her family. Fun times!) So I'll try to post a pic of us!

Anyway, the conference starts Thursday night and I'm excited to be meeting tons-o-folks! Plus, this year I'm leading two small group workshops: "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" and "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online While Developing Community in the Process". I hope people like what I've got to share!

Here's some last bit of catch up on my holiday weeks:

My Christmas day was mellow but good since I spent the afternoon and evening with my family. The day after Christmas I had a blast hiking at Joshua Tree. The next evening, I had an awesome time hanging out with Ryan. We're both super excited about some projects that we're going to do together. The day after that, my friend Daniel Gonzales from Box Turtle Bulletin video recorded my story in four segments (with a fifth Q&A segment). It's posted on YouTube now! You can search for it now if you like (just watch them in order from P1 to P4 then bonus), otherwise I'll post them up here on TWC in a few days. Then all weekend through New Years, I've been working on the two workshops for the conference.

Whew! So I finally finished packing and I (sorta) cleaned the apartment (including taking down decorations from the tree, dishes, laundry, trash) before my buddy/room mate returns from Iowa. And here I am writing to you still. Oy, I gotta get to sleep! *yawn @ 3:26 A.M.* Okay, stay tuned for news from the conference!

Side X Culture and a Vision for an Inclusive Community

2007-12-31T14:25:00.000-08:00

Why am I different? How do we address those who are different? Who does God accept? Who should I accept? What would acceptance mean? How do I accept someone with differing perspectives? These are questions many of us have within the Church.

When I began my journey, it was to discover what I could own about the things I said that I believed. However, that journey evolved into one of reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I thought, at first, that I would come full circle in affirming my agreement that being gay and having same sex attractions were wrong. My journey took a turn when I realized that God’s grace extended beyond the box of my paradigm.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not an academic person. I’m not well read and I’ve been criticized and called immature in my conclusions. I’m not all that interested in philosophical or theological debates about concepts. I didn’t start my journey or this blog to create terminology on issues more complex than my own understanding. My journey and my blog are about me finding a way to live a lifestyle of faith authentically and practically.

I coined the phrase “Side X” (or at least I had never heard of it used anywhere else prior to my usage) as a handle to assist my own process for making sense of differing perspectives. It was helpful to me in making categories on the left side bar column of this blog. Then other people started using the phrase – each with their own (similar) definition of what it meant. Since there had been discussion in some circles about its meaning and whether or not the term should be legitimized, I decided to unpack my own thoughts about “Side X” – NOT to provide concrete definition and proper usage as the person who coined the phrase, but rather to explain and clarify how I am personally using it to help my own thought process, and to cast vision for an inclusive community . . . .

The Spectrum of Perspectives

There’s a spectrum of perspectives regarding the issue of being gay and being Christian. Can a person be both? How do the issues of morality and identity relate to a person who has same sex attractions? Both Bridges Across the Divide and Gay Christian Network developed and utilize the terms Side A and B. In my own process, I use these terms as handles. I may or may not use the terms in the same way that they use them. Since I’m talking about my handles and not simply their terms, I describe them with my own bias.

In my view, I see Side A as the perspective that both same sex attractions and gay orientation are equal to opposite sex attraction and straight orientation, and that an appropriate response is a loving monogamous relationship in either a gay or straight context. Same sex attractions and gay orientation are not a result of “The Fall” (Adam’s sin) but rather lust as sin is a result of “The Fall”. God’s best, His ideal, His intention is for genuine love for all people in both platonic and romantic contexts.

I see Side B as the perspective that same sex attractions are a result of “The Fall” and that God’s best, His ideal, His intention is for opposite sex attraction. With a gay orientation, an appropriate response is to maintain non-sexual intimate relationships.

I see Side X as the perspective that same sex attractions are a result of “The Fall” and that God’s best, His ideal, His intention is for opposite sex attraction and straight orientation. Having same sex attractions are a result of gender identity confusion and the appropriate response is to recondition one’s gender identity as an opposite sex attracted male or an opposite sex attracted female.

Some may use the terms Side A, Side B, or Side X to describe themselves but not utilize the full description that I use. Within this spectrum of perspectives, there is a range where people may categorize themselves. So it’s not clear cut and definitive. In my observation, the range may include Sides A, AB, B, BX, X. So rather than seeing these as categories, I see them more as gradations. The point is that people have differing perspectives along this spectrum and I believe that every person ought to have the freedom to journey with God their own conclusions on the matter without the majority perspective imposing its ideology as absolute truth.

I think that the issue of being gay and being Christian is not a salvation issue but instead a “disputable matter”. Salvation comes by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Heterosexuality is not part of the salvation equation. It’s not a gospel of heterosexuality. Therefore, though we may disagree on our perspectives, we shouldn’t be rejecting or disowning (or excommunicating) fellow believers because of it.

Romans 14 describes how we ought to accept one another and refrain from passing judgment on disputable matters. Verses 13 and 14 says, “Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way. As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean.”

Further, in verses 22 and 23 it says, “So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”

So maybe it’s okay that we disagree on the issue of being gay as long as we respect each other as being Christian.

The Side X Culture

The problem, I think, is when the majority presents itself as better and superior and imposes its ideology in a way that devalues fellow Christians as true believers.

The Side X culture consists primarily of the mainstream church of straight people (and those who want to be straight) who take on the Side X perspective. Most mainstream lay Christians and pastors are uninformed regarding the spectrum of perspectives and by default take on a Side X perspective as one of the majority. This Side X culture operates with several assumptions.

The first assumption is about the superiority and normalcy of heterosexuality. The assumption is that God’s “best” and “ideal” is to be straight and that His “intention” was that He created us as heterosexual beings.

The second assumption is about the brokenness of homosexuality. The assumption is that having same sex attractions, being less common, are abnormal and not whole. At the fault of parental upbringing, the male/female identity has been broken. Many people associate the “homosexual lifestyle” with promiscuousness, adultery, and an immoral sexual lifestyle. The assumption is that having a gay orientation naturally means desiring what they associate with the “homosexual lifestyle”.

The third assumption is about the need for change. The assumption is that orientation and identity ought to be changed with a restored gender identity in order to fulfill their interpretation of “wholeness”. The assertion is that “being whole is being like us”.

These assumptions by the Side X culture give birth to ex-gay programs, ministries and therapies. With the encouragement of the straight majority, same sex attracted people launch a campaign to recondition each other’s gender identity by giving them tools to help suppress their same sex attractions. A primary tool is to reject and deny a gay orientation.

Ex-gay programs have changed their claims due to criticism. They used to claim a change in orientation but now they claim a change in identity. It’s a subtle difference that gives them a loop hole when a change in orientation doesn’t occur. “I’m not gay. I’m a straight child of God that struggles with same sex attractions. Er, for the rest of my life. But at least I’m not having gay sex anymore and that’s what counts. Right?”

The assertion now is that same sex attracted individuals ought to seek a change in identity – or rather to heal the male or female identity as one that is attracted to the opposite sex. Nevertheless, their implication is the same – that heterosexuality is a whole identity and homosexuality is a broken identity and should be changed/healed.

Mixed Messages

The assumptions by the Side X culture taints interpretation of Scriptures. Interestingly, that’s the very thing they accuse gay Christians of doing. They are reading Scripture with a lens of “straight is best”. My assertion is that it’s the wrong lens. The proper lens should be that of "love".

The Side X culture and ex-gay programs give a mixed signal to those in the Church that are same sex attracted. They teach that God’s love is unconditional but they demonstrate the Church’s conditional acceptance based on their interpretation of wholeness.

I find this unjust. They deem same sex attracted people as broken, not whole, not right and not good. This creates a second-class group of outcasts that unnecessarily binds a person’s sense of being when few ever realize that hope of being healed as one of the “untouchables”. The same thing happened so many decades ago when black American slaves were beaten to strip them of their spirit so that their bodies could be used for labor. Their identity was stripped so that they could forever be bound and viewed as something less.

Gay Christians are told that we are merely same sex attracted gender identity confused individuals who ought to force our flesh into conforming to someone else’s interpretation of who we are. It’s wrong to be treated as outcasts. It’s wrong to be treated as second-class. It’s wrong to be treated as less. Further, it’s insulting to be called less of a man or less of a woman simply because we are same sex attracted. It’s emasculating and unjust.

The Side X culture needs to take some responsibility for modern day gay culture because in its war against homosexuality it pushes people who don’t accept the Side X ideology away from God. There are too many people in the gay culture that have had previous religious backgrounds. Yet they were hurt and broken by the Church and having been cast aside (socially or physically), they had little options and little example.

Inclusive Culture

Paul gives his Romans 14 encouragement to refrain from judging each other and continues in Romans 15:7 by saying we ought to “accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” People may have differing perspectives on the spectrum. However, we can create an inclusive community that maintains a consistent message.

We need a Church culture with a consistent message of love. Genuine love is God’s best, His ideal, His intention for us as His creation. I think that’s where the Side X culture has missed the point. It’s not about being straight or gay as if one was moral and one was not. The point is about loving as opposed to lusting. If we are to change and to grow as God’s people, we should be striving to love better. Both gay and straight people are capable of lust. Our challenge is to grow past the objectification and sexualization of people we ought to love better. I’m still working on that. But as I’ve said before, it’s not about who I love; it’s about how I love.

The Church ought to be calling all people, both gay and straight, to genuine love in faithfulness, commitment and monogamy. We ought to be having the conversation about healthy platonic and romantic relationships. We ought to be talking about growing our relationship with God.

We need a Church culture with a consistent message of authenticity. We have to see past the gay/straight, male/female, ethnic divide and explore our identity in Christ within the context of who we are in our relational/sexual orientation, gender, and ethnicity. We need to focus on the examination of our hearts before God and ourselves so that we can humbly come to God as imperfect beings who desire to grow in character.

As I’ve journeyed through my own process and discovered what God would have of me and for me, I am past reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I am revitalized with a fresher vision to pursue. My hope now is to see a greater sense of community, collaboration, and citizenship through meaningful relationships. Perhaps in the days and years ahead, I’ll unpack further what that could look like!

For more on the Side X culture, be sure to watch the fourth segment of my Survivor series on YouTube here.

Blade - December 2007 Issue

2007-12-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

Since I hadn't been blogging for several weeks, I don't remember if I told you that I'm now a contributing writer for a local gay news magazine called the Blade. It's primarily a print mag but they recently launched a still-developing Web site to post their content.

I was interviewed by them to talk about Toastmasters in the July 07 issue here. I was also interviewed by them to talk about Two World Collision and being an ex-gay survivor in the October 07 issue here. Now I'm officially writing for them! Woo hoo!

So I thought I'd start sharing with you some of the stuff I've been writing for each issue. Plus you can check out other articles too (if you happen to be interested in some local scoop).

Here's the December 07 issue with my first two articles:

"Latino Men on Display in the OC" is about an unconventional men's beauty pageant.

"Men Chat to Help Each Other Grow" is about a local men's discussion group.

That's How You Know

2007-12-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed dinner at a cool vegan restaurant called Leaf Cuisine last night with my friend Peterson who was passing through LA from Portland on his way back home to Connecticut. He inspires me! It's been an absolutely full and crazy and fun and challenging and discouraging and encouraging 30 days for me and so I appreciate his friendship because he rejuvenates my sense of purpose and is a model for what can be and what should be done in this world.

Seeing as how it's been exactly one month (and a day) since my last post, and also since Peterson gave me an East coast kick in the arse as I dropped him off at the airport to just write SOMETHING . . . . you can blame him for this one!

I saw Enchanted a few weeks ago (which by the way, a good friend of mine who is a Disney photo shoot producer did promo stuff on this movie) and I have to admit that I really liked the movie! Yeah, it's cheesy but I am absolutely a romantic. Plus I like how they balanced out both concepts of believing in Love and also taking the time to get to know a person - dating. One of the hottest things to me is a guy who takes the initiative in expressing how he feels. =P

I laugh at myself every time I listen to this song because I actually really like it! And given the crazy last 30 days I've had, this song brings me up every time! Enjoy!

Re-Living the First Day

2007-11-17T12:23:00.000-08:00

[Scroll down for video and lyrics for "The First Single" by The Format and also "Big Casino" by Jimmy Eat World.]

Today marks the 6 year anniversary of the day I hit rock bottom. It was a day that I made the biggest mistake of my life. It was a day that shifted the direction of my life. It was a day I wished that I could end my life.

I had many choices - each had consequences and repercussions that would have affected everyone I loved. This was the first day of my journey. It was when my two worlds collided.

How do I move on from regret? How do I alleviate the hurt in others that I've inflicted? How do I stop the memories and the flashbacks and the nightmares? How do I survive the fallout of my own mistakes?

The past is an anchor for me. There are times when . . . .the weight is less of a burden. There are other times when it's overwhelming. The November/December season has always been difficult for me because of 2001. And while I don't know if I'll ever get to a point of sharing that part of my story with you, I can say that I am intimately familiar with God's grace and restoration. I've had God's forgiveness for six years but I'm not so sure how long I've had my own forgiveness.

The amazing thing for me now is being able to not live in that place any more. Redemption. When God restores, He goes all out in the feast and celebration and robe and ring. A part of me feels like I shouldn't be able to move on - that should be part of my consequences and it should be a lifetime imprisonment of regret. I almost feel guilty for having hope. I almost feel guilty for being free.

But I have been set free. I have to remind myself of that because I go through incredible depression during this season, emotionally re-enacting those events. Six years ago, the Lord and I had a four month conversation.

It was in November and December when it began in Psalm 38, some of which articulated what had been happening at the time:

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger or discipline me in Your wrath. For Your arrows have pierced me, and Your hand has come down upon me. Because of Your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.

My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly. I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before You, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.

My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away. . . . . For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin." (Psalm 38:1-11, 17-18)

I remember experiencing the full conviction of God. Then I asked the Lord to lift His hand from me:

"Remove Your scourge from me; I am overcome by the blow of Your hand. You rebuke and discipline men for their sin; You consume their wealth like a moth - each man is but a breath. Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with You as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were. Look away from me, that I may rejoice again before I depart and am no more." (Psalm 39: 10-13)

And that's what I did. I pleaded with Him that His discipline would utterly destroy me unless He lifted His hand. So He gave me a pardon. That didn't mean a release from the consequences. It meant that Dad's spanking was done and the restoration was to begin.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:1-3)

In hindsight I can see that God was telling me the future. Not only did He lift me out of that dark and unstable place but He cleaned me up and set me on solid ground with a new message. The cleaning up part took a process of several months and years. I'm still being cleaned up. The solid ground, I discovered, was not only Himself (of which would be the only real stable footing I could have), but it was also a new land - a new place where He was calling me to. Long Beach, California. And that new message, that new song in my mouth? It's the message of authenticity that has the Kingdom message deeply embedded in it.

"I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define." - The Format in "The First Single"

As difficult as November and December is and can be - depression and flashbacks and all - I live out the fact that He's still not done with me yet. In fact, it's still just the beginning. I was thinking about a lyric by Jimmy Eat World for a song called "Big Casino" that says, "There's still some living left when your prime comes and goes." The thing is - even with everything that has happened (both amazing and tragic), I've still not reached my prime. God has given me vision for things that still have not yet been articulated or realized. The hope is that there is plenty of living left.

I still have hard times. Difficult depression. It's not easy to move on from the regrets that anchor me. But I have and I am moving on. I deserve to move on. I can't change the past. In fact, if I did it may alter the person I am now. I can only move forward with humility trusting that it's okay to do so.

In light of today and this Nov/Dec season, I wanted to share with you two songs that have resonated with me:

"The First Single" by The Format

I can't stand to think about
A heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my God I gave my best
But for three whole years to end like this

Well do you want to fall apart
I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart
I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

You know me,
Oh you think you do, you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define so let's
Cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
Yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without
All the people I have left behind
Whats the point in going around
When it's a straight line baby, a straight line down

So lets make a list of who we need
And its not much, if anything
Lets make a list of who we need
And we'll throw it away cause we don't need anyone
No we don't need anyone

You know me,
Oh you think you do, you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define so let's
Cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
Yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me
And I hate what I've become...

You know the night life is just not for me
Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own
You know they started something I can't stand

You leave for the city, well count me out
'Cause all this time is wasted on
Well, everything I've done

You know me,
Oh you think you do, you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define so let's
Cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
Yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me
You know me,
Oh you think you do, you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define
So let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
Yeah something
I've just got to get myself over me, yeh, over me, yeh, over me

"Big Casino" by Jimmy Eat World

Before this world starts up again
It's me and night
We wait for the sun
The kids and drunks head back inside

Well there's lots of smart ideas in books I've never read
When the girls come talk to me I wish to hell I had

(Get Up, Get Up) Turn on ignition
(Get Up, Get Up) Fire up the system
Play my little part in something big

I'll accept with poise, with grace
When they draw my name from the lottery
And they'll say 'All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice'
I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success-story
And they'll say 'Lord, give me a chance to shake that hand'
(They'll say)

Back when I was younger I was someone you'd've liked
Got an old guitar I'd had for years I'd let you buy
And I'll tell you something else that you ain't dying enough to know
There's still some living left when your prime comes and goes

(Get Up, Get Up) Dance on the ceiling
(Get Up, Get Up) Boy, you must be dreamin'
Rock on young saviour, don't give up your hopes

I'll accept with poise, with grace
When they draw my name from the lottery
And they'll say 'All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice'
I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success-story
And they'll say 'Lord, give me a chance to shake that hand'

I have one last wish
And it's from my heart
Just let me down
Just let me down
(easy)

I'll accept with poise, with grace
When they draw my name from the lottery
And they'll say 'All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice'
I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success-story
And they'll say 'Lord, give me a chance to shake his hand'
(They'll say)

Happy Birthday Me!

2007-11-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to a slew of birthday wishes - through email, GCN, Facebook, MySpace, e-cards, text messages, voice messages and instant messages. Ah the greeting cards of the 21st century!

Thank you so much everyone!

Wow, so I've had three birthdays now on Two World Collision. Last year, I had a full week of birthday celebrations. Two years ago (when I first started this blog), I had a super fun Birthday Blog Party. Hmmm, some of you were around for that blog party too and have stuck around. That means alot to me!

Hopefully in the last two years and four months, you've gotten to know the person I am. I've tried to be as transparent and raw and honest as I can ever be comfortable with in an effort to be known - to myself and to you. There are still some things that I've reserved for myself as I am not yet comfortable with sharing them publicly both online or offline. That's just discernment, I think.

Either way, my hope is that you would join me in pursuing authenticity - let us discover ourselves and share our stories honestly so that we can continue to connect and relate with each other knowing that we're not all that different from each other and we're not as alone as we may think or feel.

During every birthday, I remember my teenage years when I never thought I'd live past 21 years old. It has now been over a decade beyond that self-defined life limit and I have to appreciate these times when God tells me, "You were wrong. I've had my own plans for you."

So Lord, thank You for another year of life. You have freed me from the shackles of death and also from the closet-prison. Continue Your intent in me so that in being authentic others may see that Your love has no restraints. In Jesus' name, amen.

Proud Uncle Eric

2007-11-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have a pseudo-policy of not posting photos of my family here on TWC or on GCN or facebook/myspace, but I decided to make just one itsy bitsy exception because they are SOOOOO CUTE!!!!!

So this is a pic of my lil nephew Jacob and his new brother Gavin Alexander! Jacob's excited because he's been the only boy for years. He's got 5 other sisters/cousins (among my 3 siblings). Uncle Eric is proud and excited to now have 7 nieces and nephews!

Also, i thought it'd be fun to share an email message below that I received from my sister Michele about her experience going into labor. Here ya go . . . .

Hi everyone!!!!

I didn't make it to my due date of Nov. 15th. My baby, Gavin Alexander, was delivered on Tuesday, Oct. 30th. Yes, both he and Jacob have the same birthday!!! Can you believe it??? I woke up at 3am to use the bathroom (like I usually did), but I felt a little different. My first thought was that I couldn't be going into labor on Jacob's birthday. I decided to lay down and see if maybe I was wrong. At 3:30am, I wake up Brian and said, " I don't think you're going to work today." I was bleeding a little so I knew that I was starting labor. Brian took a shower and then went to Walmart to get cupcakes for Jacob's class. I took a shower and got my bag together. Brian calls my in-laws and we decide to head on over to Redlands Community before traffic started. As we're driving there, I feel my water had broke. I felt my contractions coming 6 minutes apart by then. We park the car (5:10am) and head on over to the information desk. By the time we get to the elevator, I'm telling Brian that we need to hurry! The nurses get my info. and take me into the labor room. I just had enough time to put on my gown and lay on the bed. I tell Brian to call the nurse cause this baby was coming NOW!! The nurse checks me and there's about 8 nurses rushing around!! The baby's head is coming... The on-call doctor made it there just in time! At 5:24am, Gavin is born [:x] I was lucky to make it to the hospital in time!!! Baby is doing fine and we are now at home. Gavin weighed 8 lbs 2 oz. when he was born but has gone down to 7 lbs. 14 oz. I just wanted to share the news!

How fun, right? Thanks everyone! I'll most likely see them this weekend. =)

Authentic Expressions of Love

2007-10-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

Compromise.

One of the biggest fears I had when I was in the closet was that if I entertained the notion of being gay, then that meant compromising the fundamental beliefs that I held so dear. When I realized that it was okay for me to journey through my questions and fears and beliefs and things that seemed to define me, it was important to me that I remained solid in my faith.

But when we talk about sex, sometimes the assumption seems to be that engaging in it is crossing a spiritual line that reveals a faltering of faith. I see it differently.

A couple weeks ago, I talked about sex and how I didn't use the lens of sexual morality anymore. I was just unpacking what I had been thinking and processing about at the time and I've continued chewing on these things. I appreciate the comments from friends in that post and have considered those things as well - particularly the concepts of sexual integrity and relativistic morality.

Is the act of sex a compromise of sexual integrity? Is having sex an indication of having loose morals? Is saying that I think it's okay to have sex a demonstration of relativism?

In context to my post about discovering that balance of consistent intimacy, to those questions I'd answer both yes and no . . . .

Yes, I believe in sexual integrity. No, I do not believe that having sex in the context of genuine love is immoral.

I may say that I don't look through the lens of sexual morality but that doesn't mean I lack it. Rather, it means I own it differently.

When it comes to sex, the issue i'm concerned about is expressing genuine love authentically. I think scripture that talks about sex is raising this very issue. I'm realizing that before all this, I defined my sexual morality based solely on the "letter of the law" - which pretty much said (not in these words), 'Don't have sex with anyone who is not your spouse'. The emphasis there seemed to be the 'Don't have sex' part. The translation here for me used to be that if I did have sex, then I was being immoral. But what i'm realizing now is that my sexual morality needs to go deeper than that. I think the "spirit of the law" always has as a foundation authentic expressions of love. On the subject of romantic love, there is a context for sexual physical activity that is moral.

That being said, I'm not using the lens of "sexual morality" because to me the phrase is too closely attached to the "letter of the law". That lens is not useful for me because there doesn't seem to be an answer to the question of when it's moral to have sex. I prefer to use the lens of "love" because that requires me to be authentically honest with myself about whether or not it's actually love that i'm experiencing or if it's a lesser form of love (lust) or a premature form of love (genuine romantic care and interest) or an immature form of love (infatuation or crush). The question for me is what kind of physical expressions of intimacy match each of those forms? As Peterson alluded to in his comment in the other sex post, perhaps there are appropriate expressions of physical intimacy or even sexuality that are not sexual acts.

This is what I meant in my previous post about sex. I said that emotional intimacy should be consistent with physical intimacy - both growing at the same pace. If we're using that old baseball diamond illustration describing phases of sexual accomplishment - "getting to" first base, second base, third base, and home plate, (holding hands, kissing/making out, feeling each other up, having sex) then I would include the emotional elements of the relationship to match each base. As the relationship develops (not necessarily marked by time or events but rather by genuine love and trust), each physical milestone (base) matches up with each emotional realization of love in the relationship. So hitting a "home run" on the first or second date is no longer a trophy nor worthy of significant applause.

At the height of a developing relationship, there is marriage - that covenant relationship keeping and maintaining emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. (For those using that "other" lens, this would describe reserving sex until marriage.)

In my opinion, this new lens of love and consistent expressions of intimacy does describe "sexual integrity".

However, the other issue that I raised was that of finding the balance. It's not so easy. For one, I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience so I'm just honest about the fact that I'm trying to figure out what kinds of physical intimacy parallel certain emotional feelings. The other thing that I'm just honest about is the fact that sometimes I want to have a sexual encounter that is detached from emotional feelings. So yes, there are times that I want to 'hook up'. That doesn't mean that I actually do every time I want it. That just means I've gotta figure out what to do with those desires when they do occur. If I do decide to 'hook up', i'm not excusing it as acceptable and i'm not relativistically shifting my moral compass to accommodate my behavior. Rather, i'm owning up to the fact that it's not an authentic expression of love and it's something that I must have a conversation with my God about.

Secondly, I don't think that sexual activity is a lack of sexual integrity. If i've already lost my virginity, does that mean I forever lack sexual integrity? No. It's not about "having sexual integrity" (or losing it once a certain activity occurs) but rather it's about "learning sexual integrity". This is the difference between fooling myself with a license to have sex versus learning the lessons and consequences of having sex.

So I'm saying that I'm not afraid of having sex simply because it's sex. I'm saying that using the lens of love helps me to balance appropriate expressions of intimacy. I'm also saying that I'm giving myself room to figure it all out so that I can grow and learn.

As I continue my journey, I am thankful for friends who share my desire to be faithful to the desires of God. I don't want to walk the tight rope of relativism. I've always believed that conversations about sex should be had within our spiritual communities so that we can speak into each other - this way, there would be far less Christians turning to unhealthy outlets. This is all a continuous process for me of chewing on thoughts, learning lessons, and figuring out how to live out this lifestyle of faith as a gay Christian.

Abandoned Friendship

2007-10-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

He used to talk about me that way.

I sat across the table listening to him tell others about how this other guy was right for the project we were doing. It was hard to hear the praises of someone else when we had formerly worked so well together. I was feeling replaced and for this past week, I've had to come to terms with some hard realities.

I think I was wrong about the substance of our friendship.

It was easier for me to always describe him as the straight friend who walked with me through my journey. As I shared my story, I would reference him as a friend I came out to and supported my process. He was someone I could bounce ideas off of - someone I could process my questions with. I wasn't alone on my journey because he was there.

But when I look back, that isn't what actually happened. We talked about the issue occasionally. He read my blog every once in a while. We saw each other every day because we worked together, albeit for God, and even talked passionately about vision and community and the things of God together. But when I reconciled my faith and my sexuality, he abandoned the friendship.

What happened to him walking with me? He was simply supervising my struggle . . . .

We've known each other for nine years. We shared hearts and passion and vision and paradigms. We had a synergy that I've not shared with anyone else. We both spoke the same language and God used our complementary strengths and weaknesses to serve His Kingdom. We were a pair. And when I came out to him, he supported my struggle.

I wanted to change. He wanted me to change. But he was patient with my process and he was willing to wait through my struggle. I participated in ex-gay programs for two years. He remained a supportive outside observer. He affirmed our friendship. I posed questions as I journeyed through the struggle. He loved the questions because it's refreshing to our faith. It led to interesting conversations, plus it was a good story for him to be able to say that he had a friend struggling with homosexuality with whom he was "walking with".

Then God began in me a process leading towards reconciling my faith and my sexuality. It started to complicate things. It started to challenge his own belief system about the issue. But he was still engaging the questions. How do we respond to the brothers and sisters within our Church who struggle with being gay? Celibacy seemed like the best compromise. I saw him journey from having a Side X view of believing heterosexual transformation was necessary to having a Side B view of believing that gay Christians ought to abstain from such activity. I saw it as growth in him.

Then I did reconcile my faith and my sexuality, claiming a Side A view that it's okay to be gay and Christian within the context of monogamy, commitment and faithfulness. I began to believe that there was no difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals and that we all are capable of unhealthy sexual sin but we are called to an authentic and genuine love - for God and for each other. I began to see through a new and fresher lens.

But he knew me. I didn't fit in his box of what those gay Christians were like. I walked with God and my faith as a lifestyle was real and sincere. I short-circuited his belief system because if it were okay by God for me to accept myself as gay (even though I had been gay this whole time), then that would require an adjustment to his beliefs - something that would apparently require too much humility.

I became Side A and since he couldn't follow me there, rather than remaining at Side B, he found it easier to return to his Side X beliefs. He had to. His belief system was in jeopardy and he could either walk onto unknown waters on faith based on what God had been showing him so far or he could return to familiar ground.

I remember the conversation. He needed time away from our friendship so that he could sort everything out. I had stepped away from our public ministry because my potentially controversial presence would have been a distraction from our vision and message of unity within the Church. Ironic. But he needed to figure out how to function within that public ministry without me - without his pair. And we both needed to grieve that loss.

Our ministry relationship had been divorced and so it was easier for him for us not to be around each other. It may have been convenient for him as he eventually replaced me with a ministry team of people with whom he could lean on. That was a blessing for him and the organization. But I was still alone, feeling like our friendship wasn't worth maintaining.

Today's blog post was triggered by a blog post that Peterson wrote last week for ex-gay survivors. He listed off many of the ways we've been harmed by ex-gay experiences. One of the things he described was harm to our relationships. He mentioned, "friends who rejected us because the conditional nature of the friendship. Once we no longer identified as ex-gay and a struggler, they ended the relationship..."

He asked for survivors to share how they've been harmed and this is an excerpt from my response comment (that eventually led to me writing today's blog post): " . . . . This still has hurt me tremendously. I thought I had a friend who was walking with me but that wasn't true. Rather than continuing to walk with me despite how it challenged his paradigm, he chose to distance himself to repair his original theology. Knowing me screwed him up. And it hurts accepting the fact that he really wasn't walking with me. His compassion for me was limited by his conditional acceptance."

He joined the ranks of those who ostracized me - those who ex-communicated me from their regular fellowship. The problem was that his actions weren't consistent with his stance of friendship when we were on the phone or in person. So I held to the illusion of a friend who walked with me because I didn't want to admit the fact that he abandoned the friendship long ago.

I'm realizing that at the core of our relationship, it was a ministry one. When we removed the shell of ministry, we had no other interaction. We shared no common interest outside of the call to community. Our ministry relationship was divorced and we continued forward living out the call separately. Now, God has brought us back together into a different context - both a part of a broader community collaborative, now representing separate organizations.

Honestly, it's hard for me to see him succeed because I feel like he chose that over our friendship. Could he have had both? Perhaps. Or maybe he needed to distance himself from me in order to remain in the good favor of the pastors he was networking with. And I think there's some bitterness in me there too. I'm glad to see the work of the public ministry succeed. But my heart is still there because it was an organization that God birthed out of the two of us.

I voluntarily stepped away from the organization so that it could succeed in its vision. But he should have fought for me. He should have defended me. And that admission is hurting me right now.

Discovering the Balance of Consistent Intimacy

2007-10-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

I need to get laid.

There are many days when i'll call or text my close friend and the two of us will joke about that. We're joking because we're serious. It's fun to have a friend that I can be that honest and raw with who totally understands the feeling of just wanting to get %*$#@!@.

LOL, okay that's a bit crude, but still. It's true. There are times when that's what I want and that's all I can think about. But I suppose the question for me would be "In what context do I want to have sex?"

Is pre-marital sex okay? What about for those of us who can't be legally married either by the state or in most of our churches? What is marriage even? Is it okay to have casual sex? Can I just have a "hook up"? Is it wrong to have a f*ck buddy? Is there anything wrong with having 'friends with benefits'? If i'm having sex, will that just help me get my mind off being in a relationship? If and when I am in a relationship, when is it okay to have sex? Do I have to wait that long? Is it okay to have sex with two guys I care about? What do I consider sex? Is oral sex . . . sex?

No, in case you were wondering, I'm not writing about this because Eric's been getting "it". Sure, i'll admit, at times I'm horny as hell. But no, i'm not getting any action. Over the past two weeks, I've been having conversations with numerous people about these very questions . . . .

I was reflecting on some of my previous posts about sex and it's interesting to see my very first post on the subject two years ago and how my perspective and approach to sex has evolved.

Sexual morality.

I don't use that lens anymore. It's attached to judgment and there's tons of baggage attached to the words. (Ah! So the critics are right! The gay Christians don't have real morals!)

No. That's not what I mean.

I just think that sexual purity is not the goal of my journey. My exploration of sexual freedom isn't the goal either. The goal of my journey is and has been about exploring my authenticity. And part of that is sorting through the questions of sex and relationships.

My lifestyle is characterized more by my faith than my sexual orientation. So while I can be honest about my very real urges, decisions, and actions, I think it's important for me to process these things with my God. Therefore, I no longer use the lens of 'morality' in asking these questions. When I was a churchian, I held to morals defined by what I read and what people told me. But I could never fully own those morals because they weren't really mine. So now, I use the lens of 'genuine expressions of love' in examining these questions. I have found that this lens is more effective in discovering what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

I used to hold my virginity up like a trophy. When I lost it (years ago when I was still in the closet and so happened outside of a loving context), I felt regret. It was a virtue that I held on to for so long and after having that sexual encounter I felt like I gave in and showed my weakness.

I don't think that way anymore. Abstinence doesn't hold much substance for me if I can't own why it makes sense. And so I no longer see the choice not to abstain as a weakness. I see it as an experience that requires interpretation.

Keep in mind, I say all of this in the context that I'm not just freely having sex. Yes, I've had sexual encounters in my life but for me it's not about giving myself the freedom to do whatever I want. It's about giving myself the freedom to walk and learn from God the life intricacies of sexual intimacy and relationships.

It's not about a license. It's about a lesson.

Here's what I've learned so far. Asking questions and framing the issue in terms of whether or not certain sexual conduct is moral doesn't help me. What does help me is reframing the question in terms of What expresses genuine love most authentically?

The first thing I ought to own up to is assessing how I actually feel towards a person. Do I actually love him? Am I lusting him? Am I just crushing over him? Is this infatuation? These are things that I need to be honest with myself.

The next thing would be assessing how I choose to express those feelings. It would be inauthentic to express physical or sexual intimacy in a way that is inconsistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. What do I mean by this?

It's not about morality. It's about having balanced and consistent levels of emotional and physical/sexual intimacy. Is it okay to have sex before marriage? Well, if I reframe it with my new lens, I would say let's examine our intimacy levels. If i'm still getting to know a guy, then I am still in the early process of developing trust. This means that I have minimal emotional intimacy with him. If I then choose to have full-on sex with this guy, then my level of physical intimacy with him is way off. I barely know the guy, much less trust the guy. If I don't know him or trust him, then how can I actually be loving him?

However, if we've gone on a few dates with each other and we're both mutually discovering an emotional connection with each other, then it would make sense to kiss him because that form of physical intimacy is consistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. As the two of us continue to develop our emotional intimacy with each other, it would also make sense for our level of physical intimacy to increase accordingly and at the same pace.

I think that physical intimacy is a tangible expression of genuine emotional intimacy. I also think that emotional intimacy is the intangible substance of physical intimacy. I think marriage is a covenant that describes a relationship that has realized (and is committed to keeping and maintaining) emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy. If full-on sex is considered to be the highest form of physical intimacy, then it would be most consistent to do it while in a relationship that experiences the highest form of emotional intimacy with him. Marriage.

I know, i'm not exactly providing proof-texts for any of this. I'm just trying to unpack how I see the process and development of genuine love. I don't think it's realistic to say that a person completely loves someone in the beginning. It takes time. And balancing levels and forms of intimacy seems like the healthiest way to experience love in a relationship.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have all this down pat. I don't always keep it all balanced. But i'm not afraid of making mistakes or discovering for myself where those lines of consistent intimacy are. These are just things I'm thinking about - things that i'm learning as I try to figure it all out for myself. It's direction. I'm not having tons of sex. But when I do have a sexual encounter, i'm not feeling super guilty because I had the sex. I simply sit down with God and talk it through - this is what I did, this is why I did it, this is how it made me feel (emotionally, physically, spiritually), this is how I think it made him feel. And I try to use the lens of authenticity. If I was just plain horny, then I'll own up to it. If I actually had feelings for the guy, then was I physically expressing what I emotionally felt for him. If yes, what does that mean? If no, what does that mean? Did I do this out of temptation or out of affection?

This just has me honestly evaluating the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences of my intimate relationships.

So after all of this, I guess what i'm saying is that i'm not concerned about morality as much as I am concerned about authenticity.

Yes, there are times when I really feel like getting laid. Sometimes it's because I'm lonely. Sometimes it's because I had a really bad day and would like a distraction. Sometimes i'm just freaking horny. Sometimes it's because I'm longing for an intimate connection.

If i'm going to have sex, I want to at least be authentic with myself about why I'm doing it. It is these lessons that help me discover what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

Across the Universe

2007-09-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

There's a movie you have got to see. I don't care what the critics say in their reviews. They never like the movies I appreciate anyway.

I saw it a couple days ago with a friend and I loved it for so many reasons. I hadn't realized that it was a musical until I was told less than an hour before watching the movie. (I remember watching Rent for the first time not realizing that it was a musical. I know, don't take away my gay card but I had no idea - I had never heard of it before but I loved Rent! Remember this one?)

Knowing that it was a musical prepared me for the frequent breaking out in song and dance but I was very pleased to realize that these songs were all Beatles songs! The characters, Jude and Max, in the movie are adorable eye candy and the actors that play them, Jim Sturgess and Joe Anderson, sing beautifully. I downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes and I'm loving it!

Across the Universe.

I loved this movie because its about the journey - of finding love, of finding adventure, of finding success, of finding peace, of finding friends, of finding purpose - a cause worth fighting for. What is it that we are looking for on this journey of ours? For some of us, it's reconciling our faith and sexuality. For others of us, it's finding redemption. And yet for others of us, it's finding community or companionship.

We're all on a similar journey. But we all have a different cause - a different passion of which to root the purpose of our lives. Some take up their cross. Some take up their flag. Some take up their paint brush. In our own way, we can change our world.

Just do what you do.

I'd say for me, on this journey of mine, I'm looking for me. Who am I? Who is this person that God loves? Who is that guy in the mirror and can he love (himself and others) like God does? My journey across the universe is of finding my sense of authenticity. If I can discover me, then I can help others discover themselves - authentically. And so if we can begin to know and be ourselves, then we can begin to know and understand each other, and at the same time we can begin to know and understand our God. Perhaps, then, we can begin to love our God, love each other, and love ourselves better.

This is my journey, my cause - and, to me, it's one worth fighting for.

I love this one: