We're Better Off Without You

Last week, the California Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality. “Separate but equal” is not constitutional. Yesterday, according to an article from the Associated Press, a federal appeals court took another step forward ruling that the military can’t automatically discharge people because they are gay.

It wasn’t a ruling against the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy requiring the discharge of service men and women who acknowledge being gay or engage in homosexual activity. However, the court placed the burden on the military saying that they must prove that the “dismissal furthers the military’s goals of troop readiness and unit cohesion”. The article added that military officials “need to prove that having this particular gay person in the unit really hurts morale, and the only way to improve morale is to discharge this person.” It sounds to me that this will require justification for every application of the policy.

Yes, because this person is gay and in our presence, none of us can do our jobs. None of us are safe!

Um yeah, prove that. We’ll see how long that will last before someone up there figures out that this policy doesn’t make sense, is unjust, and/or these court cases challenging dismissals due to the policy are costing a lot of money. It’s been suggested in the article that because of this court ruling, the days of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” are numbered.

Read the article here: "Federal Court Rules Against Military Gays Policy"

It's interesting how sometimes we'll sacrifice truly valuable members of our family, organization, community, or society for the sake of other people's discomfort. We'll be willing to release them from communion in order to preserve The Communion. I don't think injustice to preserve justice makes any sense to me . . . .

I'm not simply talking about asking a disruptive voice to leave the room. I'm talking about ejecting someone from fellowship or service for the sake of morale citing race, gender, or orientation as the cause for diminishing morale.

In 1995-ish, I was part of a co-ed fraternity. I joined this fraternity with a close friend of mine. Actually, she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. At the time we had realized that “it wasn’t working” and our break up led to the development of a pretty strong friendship. So when we got to college joining the co-ed frat was something we could do together. We learned about fraternal bonds of friendship and we got to participate in community service and we got to exhibit leadership and we were both viewed as assets to our fraternal community. Then she began a personal journey of her own and started dating a female to male transgendered person “in transition” (taking hormones and had plans for surgery).

This whole thing was new to everyone and the reaction and responses weren’t something to be proud about. I liked the person my friend started dating. I had never met someone like “him” before and I learned a ton. We became friends and it was my first exposure to the GLBT world. My friend had never experienced those feelings before and at the time she viewed it as a heterosexual relationship, albeit different and unconventional. Our fraternity brothers and sisters had never experienced this before and so the conversation during the official business meeting was about what to do about our “lesbian” sister. Emotions got pretty heated and people took divided stances on this “issue.” But since I was in the closet and Side X, I stayed silent. Neutral.

But I should have spoken up for my friend regardless of the position I took on the issue for myself. I can choose to be Side X for myself but that doesn’t mean my friend should be denied the right to make her own choices or that she should be disrespected for the choices she made. Being in the closet, I was pretty confused about the situation. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself or the dark secret that I held – especially after seeing which of my fraternity brothers and sisters would not have been supportive. It hit way too close to home for me and I needed to stay invisible.

My silence wasn’t my neutrality. By not speaking up in defense of my friend and fraternity sister, I catered to my own discomfort and I catered to the discomfort of my fraternity brothers and sisters. We were having a discussion that shouldn’t have taken place in the first place – that is, to consider disowning someone from our fraternal family because some were uncomfortable about whom she chose to date.

Who cares if they felt uncomfortable? What about her discomfort with being judged? Why was she dismissed so easily for the sake of the majority?

I can see that my journey didn’t begin in 2005 when I chose to try reconciling my faith and sexuality. I was on my journey, even back then 10 years prior, when I was seeing firsthand the injustice towards the marginalized. I’m ashamed that I participated in it.

The sad part to our journeys and stories that I wish the mainstream would begin to empathize with is that many of us have little options but to live a life in the closet, in secret and in hiding out of fear of being rejected only to be proven right when we’re released, dismissed or discharged from communion or service when the news is “out”.

What we hear is: “We’re better off without you.”

Tear.

Proposals and Conversations and Rulings, Oh My!

I was speaking to my mom this past Sunday (Mother's Day) about getting married (some day). Like she often does, she talked about me finding a good filipino woman. I proceeded to tell my mom very casually, as I often do (in recent years), "Mama, I'm not going to marry a woman. I'm going to marry a man."

The conversation typically cycles through whether or not I'm sure and the fact that I can "arrange" to marry a woman from the Philippines (as if I couldn't find and marry a woman on my own! jeesh! =P ). But this time I told her that I don't want to do that because I want to be happy. I'm not going to be happy marrying a woman and besides the fact that it's not fair for her. Plus, I don't want to bring someone else into "our family" who I don't even care about (referring to some random filipino gal). I told her that the person I bring into "our family" is going to be someone I love and care about. It's going to mean something when he's part of "our family".

Then to seal the deal, I told her, "Well, when did you find out that Papa was gay? Wouldn't you have wanted to know? I don't want to do that. I want to be happy."

She couldn't argue with that. In fact, she seemed to receive it in a way that was a bit different - as if she was shifting from the denial and accepting the truth about her son . . . .

I told my mom and the rest of my siblings in November 2001 that I was struggling with same-sex attractions then on Christmas 2005 that I was no longer "struggling" and that I've found peace with God regarding me being gay. Since then my mom has been in the closet (we switched) about having a gay son, saying that she didn't want her sister (my aunt) to know about me.

During the conversation this past Sunday with my mom, I concluded with asking her to tell my aunt. The family had gathered at my aunt's place and so less than an hour upon my arrival I was bombarded with the usual interrogation from my aunt. You know, the "Sooooooo, when are you going to get married?" *insert high pitched inflection at the end with a filipino accent*

So I told my mom, "you've gotta tell her." I took the opportunity to tell my mom that I just want to be real and myself when I'm with the family. Plus I want her to be able to think of me - the normal and gay, sweet and good nephew that she loves - when she thinks of gay people. If she doesn't know, then she'll continue believing her stereotypes.

I hope my mom tells her sister about me. That would be a step forward for her. She said she would later in the day after I left. I'm proud of her though. She's been through a lot. Remember "my parent's before the divorce"?

I know that I'm very fortunate to have a family so loving and accepting of me. I'm proud of them!

I've also been proud of my city - Long Beach, CA - this place in which I live. Last September, in "One Man's Change of Heart" I made reference to how my own city council unanimously passed a resolution in support of marriage equality. It was amazing at the time because there had been two or three previous failed attempts to pass such a resolution in the city council. Here we are a city with an estimated 80,000 GLBT residents (according to census) , 20% of our city population, and it was still controversial. But then something shifted and the council at the time passed it unanimously. They took a step forward.

And now today, I'm sure you've heard the news and the buzz - the California Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny same sex couples the right - the freedom - to marry.

Article from CNN
Article from LA Times

CNN Report (video)
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome Speech (video)
Mayor Newsome Interview (video)

The pursuit for marriage equality isn't over as I'm sure opposing forces are mobilizing for a State Constitutional Amendment banning same sex marriage on the November ballot. Who knows how this drama will continue to unfold. My prayer is that justice will prevail.

It's not about politics for me. It's about justice. I'm not about to get die-hard political activist-y right now (since my approach is to be a catalyst over being an activist) but it just seems clear to me that we ought to support an individual's rights as a fellow citizen - not deny certain rights because of the kind of citizen they are. I know people have varying views about civil unions and domestic partnerships and stuff and how those have "some or most" of the civil rights, obligations, and responsibilities as marriages do, but "marriage-like" rights aren't the same as having the same rights of marriage.

Didn't some other high court in U.S. history rule regarding another hot topic at the time that "separate but equal" was unconstitutional?

I'm just saying.

Our civilization continues to take steps forward. I take steps forward. My mom takes steps forward. My family takes steps forward. My community and my city takes steps forward. My state is and is trying to take steps forward.

But at the end of the day, whether or not certain types of relationships should be deemed legal and allowable or not, I think we ought to focus on the fact that these are people who are in relationships and want to honor them. Whether gay or straight, our community needs healthy relationships. Those who are currently in long-term committed relationships set an example for those of us who barely know how to stay in a relationship (much less get into one!).

I have no doubt that one day I will have the right to marry. So how do I stay married?

Hiding Behind An Alias

I decided to take another step out of hiding. It took nearly a week but it was finally approved. It had been years since I first started using the alias. I was discovering the Internet and began to present myself with the name. Funny thing about the Web . . . . it's easy to be anonymous and even easier to wear a mask. It's a two-dimensional thing, this computer screen and peripherals - and as connected as people can be online, each individual can choose just how connected they want to be. Or rather, you can choose just how much you want people to connect with you.

So after years of keeping the alias "Johnson" for a last name, I decided last week to update my name on Facebook. I am now . . . . Eric Leocadio. Yes, that's me. No, the alias isn't referencing a body part. Why I chose to adopt that last name is another story for another time . . . perhaps over a drink if someone really wants to know. =P

However, keeping the alias began more for anonymity. I could be a different person . . . .

It's not that I had shady intentions, just that it kept me at a safe distance. It was safe not being known. Being in the closet, that's what I wanted. However, prolonged time in the closet takes its toll. Eventually, that safe place of anonymity became a hiding place. The closet was a place where no one could find me. I didn't want to be found. When I lived dualistically, I could craft exactly how I wanted people to see me - the straight over-achieving more mature for his age charming sensitive smart faithful godly guy. Since my world was immersed in church culture, it wasn't safe for me to sort out what it meant to be gay. Ironically and sadly, the church wasn't a refuge for me. In fact, in many ways it was an emotionally painful environment. In my opinion, we ought to be able to be safe to understand our sexuality with our spiritual community, trusted friends and mentors. Not having that safe place, both the closet and the Internet were my escape. Porn was an outlet.

As God continued to guide my journey, He proved to be the safest place for me (despite the church culture). With my Lord, I could be myself because I knew He already knew everything about me. And the more we grew in this interactive relationship with each other, the more I learn what it means to be a gay man. I'm not learning this from the gay community and I am most definitely not learning this from the church community nor am I learning it from the Internet and many of its unhealthy outlets.

I have been learning what it means to be a gay man from the Lord. *dodges the stones being hurled because of such blasphemy*

What I mean is that the Lord is teaching me what unconditional love looks like. I know He already knows me completely. And yet His love is offered, accepted, and experienced despite the things about me that both He and I know. And so, being given the freedom to not only approach the Lord authentically but also to remain in His presence authentically, I am allowed to begin a process of loving myself the way that my Lord does. Yeah, I know I don't always do that. But this interactive relationship with the Lord keeps reminding me of that ongoing lesson.

So what does it mean for me to be gay, Lord?

Here's the thing . . . . as a gay man, it's not about sex and it's not about men and it's not about sexuality and it's not about gender. For me, the Lord has granted me a lens for which to see the world that He loves. As a gay man, I understand prejudice. I understand insecurity. I understand vanity. I understand suffering. I understand being misunderstood. I understand the desire to give up and attempt death prematurely. I understand the need for intimacy in a broader culture that defines it by gender or holiness or unholiness. I understand the gray areas. I understand the hot zone.

It is because I am a gay man that I can empathize. But the catalyst for my empathy for others is my own authenticity. Because as long as I remain in the closet, in one way or another, whether online with an alias or at work or in church or among family and friends, I remain detached, disconnected, separated and unknown - unable to fully love others in the context of their journey, struggle and experiences because, being in the closet, I was unable to fully love myself in the context of my journey - being gay, being non-white, being un-super-modelish. Who could love the real me? Not me. And so I hid. My loved ones were denied the opportunity to really empathize because I wasn't even presenting the real me. So what was there to empathize with?

As I often say, coming out isn't about expressing myself as gay but rather expressing myself as Eric. Eric Leocadio. Because as I learn to love me the way He loves me, with all of my imperfections and HUGE mistakes of the past (present and future too) and forgiving myself the way He has already forgiven me, He shows me how to love past what we see or judge from the surface. He shows me how to experience empathy for others through my own authenticity. He shows me how to love.

The blessing of being gay, authentically, is the lens in which I have to see the world.

This doesn't mean I have 20/20 vision. Since I tread the path of my journey for the rest of my life, I am learning still how not to hide. I hid for so many years - it's a familiar habit, one that can be a default mode when my "issues" resurface.

But when I am hiding from Him, the mirror, the world, that's when the Lord approaches me, when He comes and finds me. And as I allow Him to love me as I am, He prompts me to come out, step into the light, so that I may be exposed and loved.

Happy Bonzai Birthday Buddy!

Today I celebrated my buddy's birthday! His bf organized a surprise party for him tonight and it was fun seeing him laugh so much with all his girlfriends from work. I chose to honor our friendship this year with the gift of a bonzai tree. It's significant because he is always examining his character so that he may better himself and grow as a person. I respect the way he cares for his mind, body and spirit, and so I thought that the bonzai is an awesome representation of who he is - always pruning, always sculpting, always exemplifying art and beauty.

I've mentioned my buddy numerous times before here on TWC. He is someone who constantly inspires me towards growth and authenticity. We've been friends for almost 3 years and room mates for the past 2 years almost. At times, it seems we live very independent lives as we both do our own thing and our paths cross in the apartment occasionally. We both work; he's at the tail end of finishing his master's degree; I'm always working on the Catalyst website; he spends quality time with his bf; i'm often out having coffee/lunch/dinner meetings with people. But even as busy as it gets, we do get to connect and catch up and we have awesome and many times meaningful conversations. Our friendship is refreshing because we both have some kind of passion that we each strive to live out in our lives. He is a catalyst in my life and I thank God for his friendship.

Happy Birthday buddy!

Over 30 and Single?

So I decided that I'm not currently "actively" looking to date right now. Then I saw this advertisement on Facebook:



That's just wrong.

Looking to Fit

I think many of us can relate to similar themes of disconnectedness. I received an email the other day from a TWC reader who found similarities in our stories. In responding to him, I ended up processing more of my recent thoughts and so I figured it was blog-worthy. After all, that is what this blog is for - to aid me in processing my thoughts to see how God is shaping me.

Along my journey, I felt like I didn't fit in either the gay or church or Asian world. I tell some of this in my YouTube story. In the current chapter of my life, I've found peace in pursuing authenticity - being a man of God who is gay and Filipino. The great thing about this kind of journey is that i'm not wandering aimlessly - I've got a direction that leads towards Christ . . . . He's given me a vision and a purpose and that's very exciting too. My vision is to inspire a greater sense of community, collaboration, and citizenship through meaningful relationships - and it's taken the form of a community organization that I founded two years ago. After further shaping and molding of what I've been hearing from Him, I'll hopefully be relaunching the organization in about a month. After honestly seeking and discerning the Lord's will for my next steps, I can say that He wants me to invest my energies in the vision He's given me and to support peripherally the vision He's given others, my friends in the Kingdom. So the road ahead of me is pretty clear - in terms of purpose.

On a personal level, I think I am missing something in my life. I want a companion to walk with. Doing this journey solo isn't something I'm afraid of because I've always done it solo. I've never been in a relationship before. But I'm recognizing my need for romantic intimacy and I think i'm just being honest with myself about that. I wouldn't paint a picture of myself as someone who is desperate or even a basket case because that wouldn't be accurate. But I would say that I ask God to continue to prepare me and him for each other and to bring us together when we're both ready for each other.

I don't think my desire is to be perfect. I've been pretty good at owning up to my imperfections and living through them. I think it would probably be more of a desire to fit. It's hard being a bridge builder. I was always wanting to be part of this community or that community then I realized that maybe I'm not supposed to only be part of one side of the bridge or the other but rather in the middle. I'm discovering that there is a community of bridge builders - those who are familiar with being in that place, that role. The greater vision for this realization is imagining what it would look like if bridge builders connected together. Then many many communities would have the opportunity to connect on multiple bridges and thus meet people they would never have met before in their own spheres. I think that's where God is taking the new organization - to bring fellow catalysts to the surface and then connect us together. (I'm so excited to show it to you when we're ready to go public!)

Hmm . . . . whether in a companion or in other catalysts, perhaps I'm looking for people like me. Maybe God is patiently constructing the kind of community I've been wanting to be part of. Who's with me? =P

Thank you, friends, for continuing to journey with me. I hope sharing what God is doing in me will prompt you to listen to what God is doing in you. Pursue authenticity. Empathize with those who are trying to be authentic. I believe that's how we begin to relate; that's how we begin to connect; that's how we begin to fit.

Vulnerable Again

There are so many things I've wanted to write and say here for the past several months. I know it's been awhile since I've really laid it all out - allowed myself to be completely raw. To be honest, i'm fighting for authenticity and i'm finding that hard because I don't feel safe. I know that I "am" safe. I just don't "feel" safe. It's hard to be authentic with you when I'm barely holding on trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again.

It's okay to be vulnerable again. Tell me it's okay to be vulnerable again.

Things have changed. And ironically, nothing has changed . . . . While on the one hand, I feel excited about fresh vision for what God wants me to do in the community. Yet on the other hand, there's me. The thing is . . . as much as I enjoy being able to help connect other people together, I'm perpetually longing to be connected myself. How can I help others do what I can't seem to do myself? Surely there are others better suited to receive and carry out a God-given vision. And still, there's this passion in me that drives me forward. If there are others out there who feel the way I do, I want to help because I think at the end of the day it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

There's this constant battle within me - yet another collision. I want to change the world but I feel like I can't do that until I change me. Perhaps I want to change the world because I can't change me. Or maybe I just want to be the kind of help for others that I'm desperately lacking. Maybe i'm always trying to serve other people's needs because I have needs. Perhaps, I just relate.

I'm okay admitting the fact that I'm broken. No, i'm not broken because I'm gay. My genes and my sexuality don't make me broken. Of anything, it's a [side X] culture that denies us from growing and developing socially and authentically that breaks our spirits (as if those gays are some kind of animals needing to be tamed). But no, i'm not broken because I'm gay. I'm broken because I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of my life - trying to use God's clues to discover where I fit.

Is it wrong to have a personal motive in trying to "give"? Am I just trying to help myself feel significant in this world? Is it wrong to just want to matter? Does admitting this make my cause for the community less virtuous? Less righteous? Can I just reclaim my right and my choice to be authentic, real . . . again. Dunno. But what I do know is that the many hills and valleys on this journey of mine brings me still closer to Christ admitting to Him that I still find it hard to look in the mirror. If I can't look at me, how can I really let you look at me? And so the hiding begins.

Maybe it's me that I don't feel safe with. Hmm . . . .

*exits closet*

I wish I could be this awesome success story for you and say that I once was lost but now I'm found - I once was confused and now I understand - I once was sad and now I'm happy - I once experienced a collision of worlds and now I've achieved cohesion.

But I can't.

The truth is - my story isn't finished yet. I still have much to battle, much to overcome, much to sort through. There's much too much to say I've succeeded at anything except the fact that I'm still on this journey - treading this path, continuing to walk towards my Christ, and along the way crying like a baby, laughing like a kid, imagining like a dreamer, learning like a student and pressing forward like a young man imperfect, forgiven, and graciously understood by his God.

Say It's Possible

I've been hoping to feel safe enough to blog again. I know, it's been too long. Until then, there's Jay Brannan singing a cover of Terra Naomi's "Say It's Possible". I actually like Jay's version better though because his emotion matches how I feel and he sounds absolutely beautiful! Plus, Jay is shirtless. :p But you should also check out Terra's official video of the song here.

Here's Jay on my behalf:



"Say It's Possible" by Terra Naomi

I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNING
AND I LOOK OUTSIDE THE STARS ARE BURNING
THROUGH THIS CHANGING TIME
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING WE WANT
IT'S FINE SALVATION WAS JUST A PASSING THOUGHT.

DON'T WAIT ACT NOW
THIS AMAZING OFFER WON'T LAST LONG
IT'S ONLY A CHANCE TO PAVE THE PATH WE'RE ON
I KNOW THERE ARE MORE EXCITING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
AND IN TIME WE'LL SORT IT OUT

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

AND TRUTH IS SUCH A FUNNY THING
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
KEEP ON TELLING ME
THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST
AND WHAT TO BE FRIGHTENED OF
AND ALL THE REST ARE WRONG
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....

THIS COULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
COMBINE OUR LOVE INTO SOMETHING WONDERFUL
BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH I KNOW
AND THE PULL OF WHAT WE CAN'T GIVE UP TAKES HOLD

(c) Terra Naomi 2006

Blade - March 2008 Issue

The March '08 issue of the Blade is out featuring local SoCal LGBT artists. I had the honor of writing up the feature on my friends Siena and Toast of Makena.

Check out the cover story here!

Rise Above This

"Rise Above This" by Seether

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Rise above this, rise above this doubt

To The Ones I Love

I think I've practically boycotted Valentines Day just about every year. Bah humbug and a toast to Single Awareness Day and all that jazz. But hope remains and I'm neither desperate nor bitter this year.

I guess a part of me has worn my heart on my sleeve - here it is, this is how I feel. But it has less to do with me being a romantic and more to do with the fact that I'm trying to be more authentic in general. And I feel a ton more alive and appreciative of the fact that I am free to care and share and love and cry.

"I like you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Authenticity to contrast the closet has been refreshing. It's fun to live outside of the prison of my own head with the coulda-shoulda-woulda-if-only-but-maybe tapes stuck on constant replay. The abundant life that God has promised is in the here and now and this time I'm accepting the gift. I can only trust that the Lord has heard my petitions for the "one" companion who would complement (not complete) me - we are better together than separate.

In the mean time, I want to be intentional about not neglecting to notice the "ones" that God has blessed me with in my life.

To the one who has been my partner in purpose,
To the one who catalyzed my journey in 2005,
To the one who keeps me silly,
To the one who literally stood by my side in the wake of 2001,
To the one who has shown me that strength is more than simple physical endurance,
To the one who embodied friendship towards me when I was clearly struggling,
To the one who proves that the Internet really does keep friends connected,
To the one who makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME,
To the one who inspires me to care,
To the one who has been like my little brother,
To the one who has restored my hope in that rare creature called a mutual connection,
To the One who never left me . . . .

Each of you have touched my heart and my life in an amazing way. And so with my heart and with my life I say,

"I love you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Candidate or Catalyst?

I walked away from the polls today realizing that I had never before wrestled this much with choosing a Presidential candidate. The results and whether or not I voted for the one that actually wins is less relevant to me than having my singular voice heard and counted.

Having never been well versed with history or politics, trying to engage in an intelligent political conversation would just make me look silly. I've always strayed away from politics-as-usual because the smell of conflict and tension makes me cringe. I'm tired of the same ole red vs. blue debates. I hold no loyalty to either party and so it had always seemed better to me to tune out.

However, change is in the air and I'm tuning in. I welcome change because I have changed. My world view has changed and that has affected the lens in which I use to answer many questions: How do I live a lifestyle of faith? How do I experience myself and my relationships authentically? How do I respond to injustice? How do I love others more fully?

My paradigm shift over these past several years has gradually led me to a natural interest and participation in public policy because I want to live in a country (world) that respects and allows me to explore those questions without the mixed messages that communicate "you are an equal unless you want to be different". I think it's important to be involved in the process because I want to be part of the culture shift. So now is the time to cast my vote to be part of catalyzing that change . . . .

I oscillated back and forth today between the two democratic candidates that represented change. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. I voted for Bush . . . twice. Yeah, I've changed in recent years. But today being Super-Duper Amazing Tuesday (as my friend Ross called it) in the delegate-rich California, I went through the entire day undecided about how I was going to vote. I had been inclined towards Barack for his inspirational presence for months but in the last two weeks I couldn't ignore the experience that Hillary brings to the forefront.

Both represent change. Both represent me, in certain ways. But i've also found points or issues that I don't completely subscribe to from both candidates. I'm learning that that's okay. It'd be arrogant of me to feel like the best candidate for President of the United States is the one that holds my issues and positions as if my opinion and perspective is the best one for the country. No, i've got much to learn.

I weighed both candidates all day. I inquired with friends and those I respect about how they were inclined. I examined both their web sites and each of their claims on positions they take on issues. Plus here and minus there. Plus there and minus here. Less than an hour before polls closed, I saw strengths and weaknesses in both candidates and still had not yet decided. Reading up on their issues and background didn't help me make a decision. And I stepped into my poll booth not knowing how I was going to vote.

So I decided not to simply vote for the candidate - the black man or the white woman. Both have plans and strategies that could work and both surround themselves with advisors with a wealth of experience. Instead I decided to vote for the catalyst - the one who spoke my language, the one who could inspire the nation onto its feet to move itself. At the end of this (Super Duper Amazing) day, I don't need my candidate to have all the answers to the problems - just one that will show me that I can be part of the solution.

bXg in the Mid-South Region

Beyond Ex-Gay is hosting a Mid-South Regional Gathering at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center on February 23, 2008 from 2:00 - 5:00 PM. There will be workshops, round table discussions, support and a series of events called "Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth: A Weekend of Action and Art". My friends Peterson Toscano, Christine Bakke, and Daniel Gonzales will be there helping to organize and mobilize for this event, as well as Jim Burroway and Jacob Wilson.

I highly recommend that you plug in to this event if you are in this region. If you have been through an ex-gay program or if you are struggling to reconcile your faith and sexuality in the context of a Side X culture or if you want to explore how to tell your story effectively to help others, where ever you are, I encourage you to travel in to Memphis, TN for this gathering. There will be people there who understand and can help!

For more info, go to http://beyondexgay.com/conference/midsouth08.

Also check out this video from last summer's Ex-Gay Survivor Conference:

Snow Days in SoCal

Since last week was an incredibly emotionally difficult week for me (having felt slandered, publicly attacked, spoken harshly about, had my motives and character questioned, wrongly accused, and just plain persecuted by a couple (perhaps, really just one) of immature guys who claimed to be Christians (and my friends at one time) and were having a tantrum because their expectations for a meeting weren't met and so launched a witch hunt campaign against me which only succeeded in revealing their own pride and malicious nature), I decided to get away from the drama for a weekend by celebrating my pal Ryan's 30th birthday up in Big Bear.

I've gotta say that I had THE most absolutely FUN weekend EVER!

Oh my gosh, seriously, I enjoyed myself so much with genuine friends! It was Ryan's bday weekend so we rented a cabin, made a snowman named "Choncho", played board games (including a fun one called Boxers or Briefs), drank and were merry, enjoyed an awesome fireplace, hung out in the jacuzzi in the rain, stayed up all night, then had waffles for breakfast and spent Sunday afternoon inner-tubing down the slopes. Plus, I experienced my very first falling snow!!!

I had always romanticized "the snow" because i've never really lived in it. I left the Philippines when I was three years old. My family lived in Illinois for a couple of years after that so the last time I remember snow and making snowmen and making snow tunnels was back when I was around four or five years old! After this we lived in Hawaii for all of my elementary years, then I've lived in Southern California since then. So I've always wanted to experience falling snow. And now I have! I was way super excited and I was like a little kid when it finally happened.

The coolest thing though is that my friends didn't make fun of my exhilaration. They were excited for me and even participated in my anticipation of it. Wow, see these are the kind of friends with whom I want to surround myself. In our small group this weekend, we were all pretty much Ryan's friends. It was, afterall, in celebration of him! So some of these were actually new friends for me which speaks volumes of the kind of guy Ryan is and the kinds of friends he keeps.

Yeah, I'm a fan. He's my pal who I've grown to love and respect. Among the numerous things that I admire about him, one is his sense of adventure. Knowing him inspires me to want to live and experience life and new things. I've experienced many "firsts" with Ryan as we've hung out. Experiencing my first snow and going inner-tubing for the first time are just the most recent added to that list. The cool thing, too, is that we're working together in Catalyst and it's been so much fun connecting with him and sharing common vision and passion for serving the community. Ryan makes the list of heroes. It's going to be exciting to see what God has in store!

So anyway, as I searched online for a meaningful gift for Ryan, I wanted to find a photo that captured "Adventure". And I found a perfect one entitled, "Endless Adventure". I ordered it, cropped it myself, framed it myself, and presented it to my pal.

All this is to say, "Happy Birthday, Ryan!" Here's to endless adventures!

Check out our fun photos from our super fun Snow Days in SoCal here.

Reconciled Friendship

I've always thought it to be God's sick sense of humor to use me as a relational catalyst. It's true that God has often used me as one who connects others together, facilitates introductions, and subtly steps back as others enjoy friendship and fellowship. It's fun being a catalyst because i'm connected in some way to many relationships. In the past couple months, I've recently been revitalized with fresh vision for Catalyst and I'm excited for what God has in store for connecting sub-communities together, pastors and people of faith together, individuals together!

I've often been called a social butterfly but the truth is that I'm very much more comfortable engaging in smaller groups. I refer to God's sense of humor because it seems like He's called one of the most unqualified people in the world to be a "people person".

Me? Are you kidding? Lord, you want me to engage the conversation with others about healthy platonic and romantic relationships in our community? No, seriously?!

God chuckles.

My own relationships are complicated enough. I can't possibly judge someone else's. I can barely navigate my own! I've gone on (few, trust me - few!) dates but i'm not dating someone (though I want to be). I love and appreciate my family but I'm not part of their daily lives and only see them on holidays or during family gatherings. I've got lots of friends but just a few that I'd call for a needed pick up at the airport.

And while I appreciate the people in my life who I interact with on a daily, weekly, monthly, or even occasional basis, there are even fewer in the inner circle that have been both time-tested and fire-tested. A couple months ago, I slammed one of those friends in "Abandoned Friendship" and even made reference to him on YouTube (of all places) in "Side X Culture". If a friendship was ever considered time and fire tested, this is one of them . . . .

Yes, we've been friends for about nine years. Perhaps it was a sucker-punch to make reference to him here. But he knows that this blog has always been a space for me to process my thoughts and feelings - raw. And since you as a reader only get my side of it, I can pretty much have the effect of demonizing him unfairly.

Sorry.

However, I didn't lie or say anything out of malice. I was honest about how I feel and that's significant for my journey out of the closet these past few years. It's not easy reassessing the friendship of someone who's proven himself worthy of the inner circle. The truth is that I actually was feeling hurt, replaced, abandoned for numerous reasons - many of which he's owned up to - but our situation the past several years has been complex. It's not so simple to say that our friendship was conditional. When I came out and voluntarily left the organization that we both started, I felt like I was thrown to the wolves. I had hoped he would have defended me when I was attacked.

While this recent season was challenging for our friendship, I also acknowledge that he's earned his stripes and trust with me in other seasons. He stood behind me during one of the most difficult trials in my life. He was there in 2001. If you've ever read or heard me say that "my character is not defined by the mistakes I've made but rather by the lessons I've learned", it's because he affirmed that in our friendship so that I could own that for my journey.

By the time I wrote "Abandoned Friendship" this past October, I had already emotionally given up. By the time I told my story and it was posted on YouTube at the new year, I had already been referencing him to make the broader point about the Church and gay Christians. He knew about both.

Earlier this week, we met for the first time since I wrote and spoke those things.

Over the course of our conversation, we were able to reconcile. Mostly, I think it was because in planning to meet, we were planning to reconcile. I don't think either of us were approaching the meeting with the intent of picking at wounds. We were able to reconcile because we both value reconciliation. So while I knew that it'd be difficult, I also already knew that we would indeed reconcile.

It was important for us to really hear each other. It was important for us to live out humility. It was important for us to acknowledge the hurt we each had been experiencing and that we each made decisions in reaction to that hurt.

I discovered that I was wrong about his stance. I thought that he was Side B while I was struggling with same sex attractions but that he had reverted back to Side X (yes, i'm aware of the political overtones of phrasing it like that) after I came to a Side A conclusion. My assumption was that he was willing to meet me half way in my "struggle" so that he could escort me back to Side X, but since I went the opposite direction he parted ways with a failed project. That wasn't true. I learned that he had always maintained a Side B view. (Not tracking my references to Sides A/B/X? See here.)

Honestly, this error shaped much of my hurt and how I re-interpreted our past. This doesn't negate the truth that so many of us are indeed hurt by what we perceive as conditional friendships in the Church. The Church still needs to acknowledge that.

But in this particular friendship, I took it very personal when I thought he went from Side B to Side X because to me it communicates inclusion to exclusion - from acknowledging me as a brother in Christ to acknowledging me as a heretic. I thought he had disowned me. That's why it hurt so much.

But he didn't. While theologically we disagree about the acceptability of gay relationships or the burden of celibacy, we both still acknowledge that we are in the same Family of God.

That's huge.

In many ways, God continues to call the two of us to the same vision - even now in separate organizations. He works with the mainline and mainstream churches while I strive to connect with inclusive churches that affirm gay believers like me and we each work to mobilize God's people towards relationship. Maybe God can use the two of us to mend a fractured Church? Or at the very least, fractured relationships. For both of us, it's never been about the organizations we establish or lead but rather it's always been about living out a lifestyle of faith in such a way to call the Church to do the same. The Church will always disagree about things but can we do so without disowning one another?

My friend and I were able to reconcile because we planned on reconciling. Perhaps the Church should take the same approach.

Side X Culture

This is the fourth video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read "Sankofa (Part 3)" and also "Side X Culture and a Vision for an Inclusive Community."

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.

And now watch, Part 4: Side X Culture:

Isolation and Exclusion

This is the third video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, read "Community of Profound Loneliness".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion:

Missed Opportunity

I have a confession. I pre-judged RJ Helton unfairly.

He was a guest at last weekend's GCN conference in DC and I wasn't exactly one of the guys fawning all over him. Honestly, I had never heard of him before. The only thing I knew was what others had been saying "about" him - something about him being on American Idol season 1 (which I never saw), him being gay (which seemed evident), and him being caught with his pants down at a club. Actually the rumor I heard was that a photo was taken with his pants down showing his underwear but I think the context was that he may have been "pants'ed" by a drag queen? while he was performing a song.

Whatever.

The point is that I . . . . formed my whole image of who this guy is based simply on things people said about him. So when the time came to see him, I didn't give him a chance. In fact, I didn't even go to his concert (except for peeking in for literally two minutes out of curiosity). Then as the conference progressed and people who liked him shared about how they were touched by him, I felt pretty indifferent about it.

Then it came time for everyone at the conference to share their experiences during an open mic session that lasted three and a half hours. RJ was asked to sing a song and before doing so, he shared from his heart about what was going on inside of him. He began to share about how much it meant to him to have so much love from all of "us". Yeah, Gay Christians. He said that it was because of his interaction with many friendly people at the conference, he had finally begun looking again towards a God who loved him. He cried and cried and people cried and cried and then he sung an (honestly) amazing song.

I realized, then, that I'm a schmuck. I hadn't given him a chance. And even IF the things I assumed about him were true, who am I to judge him and to not give him the time of day or to even listen to him sing one full song? God touched his heart and drew him back to Himself by using gay Christians at the conference. And I wasn't one of them because, what?, i'm too good? Not at all! I was so set on not being impressed by his celebrity that I didn't allow myself to be impressed by his heart.

Lord, forgive me for judging RJ Helton harshly and for not demonstrating or expressing Your love towards him. To RJ, (doubtful he'll read this), while I never spoke to you in person, I'm sorry for being a prick - in my heart towards you. I pray God's continued blessings for you. I don't want to miss another opportunity to serve God because I wasn't paying attention to who He was loving at the time.

Gosh, I feel like the mainstream Church who are clueless about the fact that God is loving His gay people. Ouch.

Blade - January 2008 Issue

The January '08 issue of the Blade is out now. As a contributing writer, I've got one news article in there on Mick & Mack's - a local gay bar/restaurant/club in Long Beach that has been closed for a couple months.

Check out my article here:

"Mick & Mack's Down But Not Yet Done"

The Ex-Gay Program

This is the second video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read my "Ex-Gay Survivor Story".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program: