I know that this exploration that i'm going through has pretty serious ramifications if it turns out that I embrace a belief about homosexuality that isn't mainstream. God's been using me in significant ways, I'll admit, and I know that its such a divisive issue. My fear is that any of this exploration will negatively effect the ministry.
It's a lot of pressure. Really. I'm not trying to be, nor am I asking to be anyone's spiritual leader. And i know that i don't necessarily have to be anyone's spiritual leader in the capacity that i'm in now. But after my lunch with a friend yesterday, that pressure was just magnified. I kinda felt pissed because of the way he spoke - he can sometimes be ultra intense and highly over-spiritual and I felt like he was imposing an incredible standard on me that i can never uphold. I'm all for God using me in any way that He wants...but I don't want to be a Moses. I don't want to be a Joseph. I don't even want to be a David. I can't be a super-Christian nor do I want to be. I can't change the way I am or feel. Sure i care about what God's doing in the community, but I'm way more concerned about what God's doing in me - right now at least. If He's going to use me, He'll use me - as I am....not when I'm perfect and not when I'm straight.
I heard a song that articulates how I'm feeling about all this....
"Superman" - by Five For Fighting
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird...I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me
I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream
I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...
Its not easy to be me
5 comments:
Hi Eric,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and honesty. I don't think God asks us to become super-humans. The only thing He asks is to love Him, ourself and our neighbour. In my opinion it starts with acceptance of all that is. Transformation can only begin (I think) if you accept yourself with all your feelings. That is the only way to find out who you realy are and what God wants from you.
May God bless and comfort you on this road my fellow brother in Christ.
Jochem, webmaster from:
http://home.wanadoo.nl/inspiritus/
(Inspiritus is a positive gay christian website)
Heh... I made a blog entry using the lyrics from this song too. Somehow, it was also tied to a post on GCN, though the link doesn't work any longer.
Hi there, i just wanted to say that thats a real nice song mate.
I deal with this a lot too, often feeling like I can't be all I've somewhat set myself up to be or what others have determined I should be.
I think of this verse a lot:
"Jesus replied, 'And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.'" - Luke 11:46
So I don't think Jesus expects you to be a spiritual leader and also knows that it isn't fair for others to expect the same.
Best of luck and I'll be praying for you. This post really touched a chord in my heart, also.
Hi, Eric
If your paying attention on what people advising you; much more YOU HAVE 2 PAY ATTENTION CLOSELY 2 WHAT GOD WANT US 2 TO. We are not living in this world to follow our own desire. yes we have FREEDOM but we MUST know first what is the purpose of God in creating people. pare tatagalugin ko na kanina pa ko nahihirapan eh. 2 uri lang lang ang tao sa mundo: Una: Sa Diyos at pangalawa: Sa Diablo. Ang tanong saan gusto mo mapabilang? naririyan ngayon ang kalayaan- sa pagpili pero gusto ng Diyos na piliin nating mga tao ang kaligtasan at matatamo lang yon kung matiyaga nating susundin ang kanyang mga utos hanggang sa araw ng pagparito ng Cristong tagapaligtas o hangang sa matapos ang ating buhay. Brod kasabay ng ibinigay na talino sa atin ng Diyos upang magkaroon ng layang pimili ay ang kaniyang ang mga kautusan na nakasulat sa Biblia. Ang Biblia ay saligan ng TUNAY na sumasampalataya at saligan ng mga TUNAY NA LINGKOD ng Diyos. bakit ba ginunaw ng panginoong Diyos ang sodoma at gomora. ano ba ang meaning ng salitang sodoma at saan nanggaling ang salitang ito. SODOMY
Noun
anal intercourse committed by a man with another man or a woman [after Sodom, Biblical city, noted for its depravity] . Matakot ka sa Diyos. Lahat ng tao ay may pita ng laman na dapat paglabanan kaya nga may nasusulat na kung kailan ako mahina ay saka ako malakas. ginawa tayong mahina at marupok upang ang Diyos ang maging lakas natin at huwag tayong umasa sa ating sariling kakayahan. kaysa mag isip ka ng kabaklaan mas mabuti kung saliksikin mo na lang ang tunay na pananampalatayang dapat taglayin ng tao. hindi ito madali dahil ang diablo ay matalino gumagamit siya ng mga bagay na alam niyang mabisa laban sa yo upang di ka makarating sa kaligtasan dahil ang gusto niya ay marami siyang makasama sa PARUSANG WALANG HANGGAN kaya ipinamamanhik ko sa iyo na MAGPAKATATAG AT MAGPAKATALINO KA.
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