Saturday, July 23, 2005

The Internal Frustration

I had lunch with a friend today and processed through a lot of stuff. One of the frustrations for believers who "struggle" is beyond lust. It's the issue of the attraction itself. Whether or not a person is homosexual or heterosexual, both sides can agree that lust is a sin. But what about being attracted to someone of the same sex. I'm not talking about the normal recognition of an attractive person. I'm talking about looking at another man (in my case) and experiencing that physical reaction in my body - even before any lust or fantasies take place. Lust is something I can resist. I can resist taking the second or third look. But i can't resist that first look and preferring him. And even that is what the mainstream Church deems as sin. So my dilemma is not simply with the sin of my actions, but with the sin in my being.

How am I supposed to change my preference? It's not like it's been a choice. If i had a choice, wouldn't I prefer to be "normal"? I read today that for those who are in Christ are a new creation. Okay, i can believe that. But how did God create me? Did He create me heterosexual or homosexual? Did God birth these things in me? If He did, did He do so only to tell me that such things are wrong? If He didn't, am I broke and just need to be fixed? Changed? Do I need to be exorcised of a demon?

My friend says that I have two choices really. To be a eunuch or to be married (after having had my preference transformed by God). If not the latter, then the former. Is God calling me to be a eunuch? Celibate? Is that the inherent message to all in the homosexual community? That if God doesn't change you, then you are called to be celibate?

But at the same time, there's not much room to appease the homosexual community without compromising and saying that a person can be both gay and saved. I realize the word "gay" is a loaded term - I mean in a monogamous homosexual relationship. Am I called to be celibate and simply refusing the idea? Granted i'm not in any kind of physical relationship with anyone - guy or girl - but is my rebellion against celibacy? Even if i am called to celibacy, i need to know what the message is for others. Are they called to celibacy? Are they called to be transformed? Are they called to monogamy? I can see how the enemy can slip in with deception and compromise. But still - with all these questions - i need to know....before figuring out if it's right or wrong - i need to know where it came from. Was i born gay or was i born straight?

No comments: