I hate having to write a downer post during the Holidays - especially this one that's supposed to be so full of gratitude. It's just that I hate the rollercoaster. I love it. But I hate it.
Steve and Warren commented two posts ago about how they noticed how blessed I am by my circle of friends. I agree. I am extremely blessed to have such wonderful and diverse friends. I've also been excited about recently coming in contact with three separate friends from my past - all in different parts of the world - and we've re-established contact via email, myspace, or text message all in the past three weeks. Something's happening because I can sense God shifting things and placing people in my life. I even came out to my two nieces via myspace.
I'm so thankful for the friends that I do have, but at the same time, I'm still so lonely because I do want a companion. But in me being so hard up for being with someone, i'll find that i'll take my friends for granted. Sigh. It's just that, I want an intimacy that wouldn't necessarily be healthy or appropriate with my circle of friends. Friends are friends. But, if i'm honest, I do want more. And it's hard when I see friends around me beginning that process of dating someone and then starting to fall for that person. I'm happy for them, sure, but I long for that. I want to fall for someone. I want to have that special feeling that's reserved for a certain person. I want to know that someone reserves that special feeling for me.
Yesterday, I went to spend the day with my family and enjoyed seeing them. Last Christmas, I told my family that I found reconciliation with my faith and sexuality and I asked them how they'd feel if I brought someone home for the holidays. They were all supportive. I still haven't done that yet. I would have wanted to bring someone home for them to meet - someone I cared for. I drove back home alone. Again.
There's still so much of me that i'm trying to figure out. For starters, why am I still single?
LOL, damn it. There are days when i both love and hate the journey.
Where am i going again?
2 comments:
Everyone always says that that "someone" comes along when you least expect it...when you're not looking. I think that's quite true...although it doesn't make the longings for it any less. It is a journey as you've said with different bends in the road for all of us.
I for one was taken back by your family's ability to welcome your future mate with open arms. I have not fully come out to my family but am more than positive that such acceptance will never happen. In fact, I am making the most out of this holiday season realizing that they will most likely be the last of their kind. It's very possible that we will never share this closeness again.
Perhaps i'll blog about it.... ;-)
Eric-In so many ways I can relate to this entry.
I believe that Bryan is right, although it does not make it easier.
Love ya
Post a Comment