A Week and a Half's Worth of Anxiety

I know it's been almost a week since my last post. I've had a pretty rough week emotionally and I wasn't quite at a place to where I was ready to articulate all that's been in my head. And there surely has been alot on my mind!

Thanks to my good friend Shawn in Micronesia on an island called Yap (- he's a Peace Corps Volunteer and we met through GCN), I've been able to think through and process alot of it in a recent chat. I've also appreciated many of our chats this past week - they've been refreshing and fun!

Thanks also to a fellow Journeyman from "A Westward Journey" who wrote a recent post on his blog that I completely related with. What turned out to be a comment to his post evolved to be a mini-blog post of my own, unpacking my own feelings of this past week. Sorry Journeyman, hope you don't mind the temporary hi-jacking! Click that link to read his post and my comment.

Huge thanks to my friends and prayer warriors over at GCN. There's a prayer & support forum there and people around the world have been gracious and kind to keep me in their prayers.

I'm not so sure if i'm ready to unpack all of what has been on my mind lately here in today's blog post, but i'll sum a few of the things up in a nutshell . . . .

I'm approaching my job about reclassifying my job position to one that will match the kind and quality of work i've been doing (and that they've been asking of me). I'm not sure what will happen. I'm just feeling pretty undervalued and taken advantage of.

I've been wrestling with alot of emotions connected to the awkwardness of seeing people from the old house church (refer to "Death of a Church and Life in the Hot Zone"). A friend of mine was having a birthday dinner get together and many from that church was going to be there. I freaked with much anxiety so I flaked and didn't go.

I've also been grieving (still) the reality that I'm no longer working with that first non-profit that I co-founded (refer to "For the Kingdom and For the Baby"). It's extremely hard to see them move on and do well without me. I'm glad they are doing well. It's just that I was there in the beginning and helped catalyze the initial vision for the organization. I know that it was the right thing for me to do, especially since God eventually led me to developing the vision for Catalyst, but there's a part of me that longs to be a part of a team again.

Speaking of Catalyst, i've been really excited about some things that i'm wanting to do with the organization. But to sum up my insecurities - how can I even attempt to change the world when I can't even change me? I'm certainly no perfect example for anything so who am I to try to speak into our culture and try to catalyze a movement of change? Sigh. I can't do this alone nor do I want to do it alone. As Ori Brafman and Rod A Beckstrom refer to in their recent and awesome book "The Starfish and the Spider", this catalyst needs a champion! This has been a heavy one for me lately.

As you can probably imagine, i've been wrestling with loneliness quite a bit. The whole being single thing is really getting to me. I appreciate the friends around me who are coupled and I am sincerely happy for them, but it's hard to be "three" when I know they want to be "two" so that they can eventually be "one". So it's easier to just not be around and I'll just make myself scarce.

Remember that guy that i mentioned in the last post - the one that I wasn't exactly sure what i felt about him? I wasn't sure if I liked him or even if I specifically didn't like him. I was just trying to gauge it when I saw him last night and I discovered something pretty significant - it's a HUGE turn off to see that he has eyes on someone else. I've mentioned it before but mutuality is important to me. And i'm so tired of liking a guy that likes someone else. So i'll nip it in the bud before it starts and i'll just decide - nah, i'm not into this guy. I'm obviously not on his radar. If I am, then he's going to have to show some interest.

For once, i'd like to be on someone's radar and be pursued. Can I say that? Is it okay to say that I want to be chased? In a safe sense, of course, but isn't it fair to want someone to actually show interest in me by demonstrating interest in me? I'm not only talking about a romantic context but also in friendship. How about a mutual sense of interest? I've noticed that I'm often the guy who asks questions to go deeper. I'd just appreciate someone wanting to know about me. Believe me, i don't want to do all the talking, so there'd be a fair exchange of conversation. But have you ever had a conversation where you were the only one asking questions to try to keep the conversation going and the other person was only answering the questions and not offering much more than what you asked? Argh!

Okay, got that off my chest. (LOL, Joon, did you say that I was handling this better than I think?)

Oh yeah, one other thing that bummed me out this week. Have you ever noticed in some of those pictures of me in the filmloop that I'm wearing a white bracelet alot? It's from the ONE campaign and a good friend of my named Brian gave it to me when I met him almost a year ago. I've worn it every day since then. Earlier this week, it snapped. Yeah, that drove my OCD up the wall! What can I say? I'm a creature of habit!

So that's what's been contributing to the knots in my back, shoulder and neck. I can use a good massage! I've spent some time this week at the coffee shop just reading. I also spent some time at a high place that overlooks the city. It's a beautiful view and I like to go there to think and pray.

A couple things on a positive note:

I did my fourth Toastmasters speech this morning and got the ribbon for Best Speaker again. Woo hoo! I was quite shocked actually because I wasn't particularly pleased with my delivery and the other speaker was so much better than I was (in my opinion). But the award is decided by a vote from the audience and I got it. I've learned to graciously accept the compliments while at the same time recognizing that there are things that I know i'll be working on so that I can feel good about the delivery of my next speech.

By the way, I just saw Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" last night. It was AWESOME! I loved it and i'm planning on seeing it again too, perhaps this afternoon before a party tonight.

The other thing is that I finally purchased my plane tickets for the GCN Conference at the beginning of January. It'll be held in Seattle, WA and i'm looking forward to connecting with many of the people there.

So that's it. A week and a half's worth of anxiety. Thank you to my friends who have been supporting me, encouraging me, and praying for me!