Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Wanting Someone To Choose Me

Pardon me, but I'm interrupting this series of road trip vacation blog posts to process some raw thoughts that i've been having since before I left for this trip. Things and thoughts have kinda escalated since then and i'm feeling pretty crappy about things. I'll resume the posts about the vacation soon - we left Louisville, KY and have been in Indianapolis, IN for the past couple days. We leave in the morning for Grand Rapids, MI. So stay tuned for that because i'll have pics to share.

For right now though, I just need to be real.

I think i'm feeling pretty romantically rejected. Jeez, what the frickin' hell is wrong with me? I mean, seriously. It's like i'm the freak that NO ONE in their right mind would consider dating. Am I really that hard to connect with? How can I NOT feel undesirable when every time I begin to develop feelings for someone, it is NEVER mutual? For long, at least. I mean, damn it!

Sigh.

Okay, so what the hell happened to Eric this time?

Remember almost two weeks ago, I briefly mentioned that I was hanging out with this guy that really peaked my interest? I said that we had both expressed interest in each other and we were just taking things slow and that we connected on many levels, blah blah blah. Well, I received a message from this guy about a week and a half ago saying that he and his ex were "working things out" . . . .

What the frickin' hell is up with that? We hung out several times and both expressed interest in each other. We both articulated feeling like we both connect. And so now he's revisiting potentially getting back with his ex-boyfriend? So here's the thing. He spent enough time with me to figure out whether or not he wants to spend more time with me. And yet, after that he chooses to go back to the guy he broke up with rather than continuing to connect with me.

Here's the kicker too - this past Sunday night I received a phone call from the ex-boyfriend saying, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't text my boyfriend." WTF? First of all, he never communicated to me that they were "boyfriends" again. He simply told me that they had been talking and working things out. Whatever. Secondly, who the hell does he think he is? He's marking his territory like some kind of animal pissing around and telling me to stay away from his man. And this is the kind of possessive machismo guy (who is too insecure about his "boyfriend" receiving text messages and hanging out with someone else) that he chooses to continue working things out with instead of choosing to connect with me further? Plus, he couldn't tell me himself? I had to hear it from the exboyfriend that he's no longer the ex and he tells me to back off?!

Do you see how this can make me feel both angry and frickin unwanted? From what he discovered about me thus far was not enough for him to want to choose me.

Is it so bad to want someone to choose me?

I must sound utterly pathetic. The confusing part is that when I take a step back and look at myself, I don't see someone who is pathetic. I don't see a loser. I don't see this guy who no one in their right mind would want to date. I do think I'm a catch. I think. Wait, right?

In one instance, I crushed on a guy who I had been getting to know for a year and we were good friends. I was hopeful because I *thought* that I was seeing certain "signals" of interest. It became clear that he doesn't see me as anything more than friends. After knowing me, he didn't choose me.

In another instance, I started communicating with someone over a period of months. At the time, we were mutually interested and even, for a time, were physically affectionate towards one another. But eventually, he wanted to just be friends. After connecting with me, he didn't choose me.

In three other (separate) instances, I went on some dates with guys that I just didn't feel a connection with.

In the most recent instance with the one and his ex, I was really hopeful about this one. He really did make me smile inside. We had common interests, common heart, common passion, common vision, common interest in each other. But he still didn't choose me.

There was also this guy that I had been interested in but we hadn't really spent much time with each other yet because I wasn't around all that much. But I was definitely interested in this guy. So much so that I was even ready to ask him out on a date after vacation. Well tonight, I spoke on the phone with a good friend of mine who hesitantly told me that this guy that i'm interested in just sent my friend an email asking him for a date. Another guy who didn't choose me.

Why is it so hard for me to get on someone's radar? Why is it so hard to experience a mutual connection with someone and to have that progress further? I've never been in an actual relationship. I've gone on dates but I've never had a boyfriend. Why?

It seems like I tend to crush on guys that are unavailable or not ready for a relationship. At least, that is, that's just what they're telling me. Maybe they are just watering down the fact that they simply are not *in to* me.

I dunno. This just sucks though. It's not that I'm desperate. It's that I want to feel connected with someone more intimately than the hundreds of platonic friendships that I have. Is it okay to just want to be with someone of whom we could walk through life together? Is it okay just to want someone to like me enough to want to court me?

To be honest, there's a part of me that seriously wants to just give up on the hope of a romantic relationship. I'd like to just say screw it all! I'll stay single.

Look. I know I'm not perfect. I know I haven't figured all this out. I'll be the first to admit that i'm still trying to navigate these relationship waters. There are times when I crush. There are times when I fall for someone. There are times when I just enjoy good fun with someone (for a time). But at the end of the day, I just want something mutual and reciprocal.

Is that much to ask for?

9 comments:

Steve Boese said...

Hey Eric...

Some common themes for me... pick anything that works for you, and trash the rest...

One of the hardest things sometimes is to be gentle with myself when the temptation is to blame and demean. I don't have to beat myself up for every small thing that might be out of the ordinary about me.

It's also healthy for me to split out anger and disappointment from self-blame. In a situation like you're describing, it doesn't come naturally for me to be angry with the guy, or disappointed, even though those are honest and rational responses. Again, I want to put it on myself, but sometimes I have to let the anger and disappointment be enough without turning them inward.

It sounds pretty clear that this guy was optimistic about having moved from his breakup, but was totally wrong about that. The thing you were probably on-target about is that you want a partner who really does care about his relationship. You found that quality in him, but with timing all askew.

That can just be a real tough one, at least for me. My first significant relationship with a guy was incredible in so many ways, and yet flawed in fatal ways. It lasted 2 full years, but it took me another 6 months after the break-up to wrestle through my doubts about whether healthy reconciliation was possible. I worked at staying single, but not completely... one foray into dating after 3 months didn't turn out well. That stuff can just be tough, and it wasn't the fault of the guy I dated briefly.

And, I know the sting of feeling like things just don't work out over and over again. There was a day when I believed that I had some level of power to make things turn out OK by taking responsibility for my life, and it seemed like folks whose lives weren't progressing as smoothly as mine might be bringing that stuff upon themselves.

I still know I'm responsible for myself, but some of the biggest setbacks in my life have come from stuff which was beyond my control... ugly divorce... Dale's suicide.

I have to be gentle with myself about the things I did with honorable intentions (getting married, choosing the guys I fell in love with) without laying self-blame for not predicting the future (that I would need to come out, or my first partner's alcoholism would worsen).

Dating can be such a crap shoot... it just has meant a variety of short-lived trial balloons for me in order to get to the situations where something more was viable and real. I have to remind myself that it's frustrating, and it's important for me to be complete as an independent person even when I'd rather be partnered...

You just strike me as a guy who has all sorts of sweet gifts to bring to a relationship, Eric... the frustrations with feeling ready yet not getting the opportunity completely make sense. When the opportunity comes, though, it seems possible to me that the gift will be profound and fully appreciated.

Take care, friend... you're in my thoughts.

Brian said...

Eric,

I wish I was there to talk to you and offer you a hug...or at least just be there for you because I don't know that I have any answer for you. You are a wonderful guy, and eventually you will find someone who completes you and finds you to be a total catch.

Peace,
Brian

Zeke said...

I hear nothing in your words that doesn't sound consistent with being a human, Eric. I believe that at times we all feel this way... at least I know a great many have, including me.

Of course the answer is that it's perfectly reasonable to expect what you're longing for, and eventually you will have it. Just can't speak to timing.

I sent you an email with a book recommendation. Be well!

Anne O'Nemous said...

Hi Eric... Let me start by saying you're a great guy. And why you're still single is beyond me.

The only thing I can think of that remotely comes close to being "unattractive" about you is that sometimes you fall into this state where you seem... well... desperate (for lack of better word)

And I do understand (and remember)the loneliness that being single brings. But I think sometimes you complain about it in great details.
I don't know what you're like with these guys that you're interested in... is it possible that you can sometimes come across as clingy, needy, and um...well... (don't hate me) desperate? Coz that's definitely a big turn off in my experience (and I've been on both sides)

Don't give up hope... be patient my friend. In the meantime, enjoy your single-hood. There are many many many perks of not having to deal with relationships. I'm in a very very commited relationship and I gotta tell ya... As good as it is... there are some things that I miss... like hanging out with a specific group of friends that your boyfriend might not like...etc.

Psyching yourself out that mmmaybe you're not ready or you don't have time for a relationship might help ease the occasional loneliness. And just maybe when you least expect it... that's when someone will come along.

Friends are wonderful support. You are surrounded with them... So that's a blessing. I'm not gonna leave my name but you know me... and too chicken to tell you this to your face...hahaha and afraid you're gonna b*tch at me for my semi-harsh words earlier. Lol

You're a great guy and you shouldn't be this lonely. You are not pathetic!!! But this guy's ex-boyfriend/currently working out fella sure sounds like it.

You can do so much better!!! You don't wanna be with someone who appreciates you 80 percent of the time... you deserve a hundred!!!

God Bless!!!

Angel said...

You are *totally* a catch! I definitely think you're a hottie ;)

I know that I felt everything you're saying before I met GoalieMan. I'd been hurt badly before I met him and thought that I was defective.

It's easy for me to tell you to just live, be yourself, and you will find love. Because I remember how much it hurt to see everyone around me coupled up, or be dumped, or my low point, when the guy I really liked hit me (and that was the least of the hurtful things).

People have issues about things and it's not always your fault that something didn't work out. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, just that the relationship wasn't right. (And really, with an "ex/boyfriend" like that, maybe he's not in your best interest anyway).

Hang in there my dear. You are too fabulous a person for God to not have a perfect person in mind for you. He just hasn't shown up yet.

(((Giant hugs)))

Eric said...

Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement. It means a ton to me! =)

Thank you too "anonymous Anne". Haha, if we know each other, yeah, I probably would b*tch slap you. But if we're friends, i probably love you too.

But to my credit, i'd like to think that my friends (and this blog) are a safe place for me to vent and so i'll process all of my thoughts - even if it makes me seem all the more clingy or desperate - perhaps even more than I actually am. Maybe i am coming across desperate here on the blog or even when venting with my friends, however, i don't think that's true for when i'm actually with the person. Maybe i'm wrong, but i'd like to think i'm pretty self-aware.

Yeah, there's alot of self-blame here. But there's also anger and disappointment too towards the guy and his (ex?)boyfriend (whatev). Thanks Steve B, i was processing alot of what you said yesterday.

Y'all are terrific! Blogging about it has allowed me to release my initial pissed off feelings about it all so i'm good to go - moving forward. I'm pretty resilient and I know that God's got someone who is a match for me.

If you're new to the blog, please keep in mind, that i blog what i'm chewing on at the moment so it doesn't necessarily reflect what I actually believe or how I am. The blog is more a tool for me to figure out what it is that i believe or feel or think.

Blessings all! Back to vacation!

Eric

Steve said...

Eric,

Thanks for being so transparent. It's one of the reasons I came out to myself and also one of the reasons I respect you (although we've never met) and still read your blog a year and a half later.

I wish I could be so honest in cyberspace (my personal blog is set to private). :)

I have been badly dumped in the last 3 months, so have wrestled with many of the feelings you are experiencing.

In the first example that you gave, you talked about this guy like he was the catch! Remember, it's you that is the catch. He's the one who didn't measure up to your standards.

Come on, who wants to be with someone who's still (mentally, emotionally or physically) with their ex?

I know it sucks to feel like the odd man out, but you're not. He's got his own issues to deal with (which apparently include his ex). Those are the monkeys on his back.

Thanks again for keeping it real. If it helps at all, you're not alone in the feelings you're experiencing...you're just saying what the rest of us are thinking most of the time...and we love you for it! :)

-Steve (ps403)

Anonymous said...

Eric, you are a catch. :)

I've been processing some of these same feeling myself lately, and a lot of my relationship issues stem from my own wavering heart, insecurities and apathy. I also wonder if there is really just one person out there that God intends for me to be with, to be in His perfect will, and all other relationships will fail until I find that person ... or if, as some have said, that our spousal relationship is one of those things that we have spiritual leeway with and is encompassed in His permissive will.

But again, you're a catch. :)

Jay said...

Hey Eric,

I can only re-state what everyone else here has said: "You're a catch!"

Seriously, in North Carolina they just don't seem make gay men who are as thoughtful, cute, and principled as you. If they did, my Side B status might be in trouble. ;)

Just be patient. Prince Charming will come along. :)