Sunday, December 03, 2006

Off The Radar

It's weird to think about how we'll protect ourselves sometimes. Our life, our heart, our body, our mind, our self-respect - sometimes, it's so much easier to be in denial. It's like an emotional condom. It serves as a barrier from things that can cause both life and death.

I'd like to think i'm pretty self-aware. Especially since starting this blog, I've been in the practice of articulating where I'm at in my thought process or debriefing about events and decisions that i've made along the way. I want to be honest with myself on this journey.

This past week, i've been reflecting on my singleness. No, i don't want to stay single. Why am I still? I've been chewing on reasons that my imagination have manufactured and I can say that they are not all true. I can also acknowledge that, in some ways, I know why I'm still single. There's alot i'm trying to figure out regarding this area of my life.

So there's this guy . . . .

. . . . And the truth is that I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know if I like him. I don't know if I dislike him. But i find myself thinking about him ever since i met him. And at the time, I told myself that I wasn't going to go there. No - I'm not going to get all hot for the guy. I'm not going to fixate over him. I'm not going to pursue him. I'm not even going to hope that he'll pursue me. He is off the radar - my radar.


I don't know. Maybe i'm assuming he won't like me and i'm trying to protect my heart from being crushed from rejection. Maybe i'm just judging him by assuming he's a certain way based on what I observe from the outside. He's not my type. Or i'm not his type.

Do I like him? Do I hate him? Is he one of those guys that just makes me sick of gay culture? Is he someone that has substance and would find him refreshing and inspiring if I just gave him a chance? Is there something there?

I don't know how I feel about him. I keep thinking about him but I also find myself actually resisting the idea of him. All this in the context of not wanting to be single. Sure, maybe i'm just sabotaging myself. But something is different about him. Or maybe, there's something different about me.

I don't think he's completely off my radar.


Anonymous said...

Hi Eric,

It seems like sometimes it's the guys we don't know how we feel about who end up being most important. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe because we don't really know what we want, so when we find it, we resist. 'That's not what I want!' Well, maybe you just didn't know you wanted it.

Withdrawing into yourself is an essential stage sometimes. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself right now. There are things I have to work out for myself, and until I do, I don't know how to approach other people. Think of it as time in the wilderness. That's not wasted time! Maybe that's what's keeping you from exploring this potential relationship.

Good luck, Eric! Peace be with you.


Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I wish I could see what you're like around this guy...then maybe I could tell you something based from observation.

I just know that long long ago (in a galaxy not that far away) there was this guy at work who was bugging me with everything he did.
He is now one of my ex-boyfriends.

Looking back, I can't tell if he was bugging me because I liked him... or if he is now an ex because he bugged me.

I pray for you... I remember how miserably sad I was when I was single... you are actually handling it much better than you think. It will come to you. I don't believe that God intends for us to be lonely so hold on to that.

Just curious... how high are your standards?