Over 30 and Single?

So I decided that I'm not currently "actively" looking to date right now. Then I saw this advertisement on Facebook:



That's just wrong.

Looking to Fit

I think many of us can relate to similar themes of disconnectedness. I received an email the other day from a TWC reader who found similarities in our stories. In responding to him, I ended up processing more of my recent thoughts and so I figured it was blog-worthy. After all, that is what this blog is for - to aid me in processing my thoughts to see how God is shaping me.

Along my journey, I felt like I didn't fit in either the gay or church or Asian world. I tell some of this in my YouTube story. In the current chapter of my life, I've found peace in pursuing authenticity - being a man of God who is gay and Filipino. The great thing about this kind of journey is that i'm not wandering aimlessly - I've got a direction that leads towards Christ . . . . He's given me a vision and a purpose and that's very exciting too. My vision is to inspire a greater sense of community, collaboration, and citizenship through meaningful relationships - and it's taken the form of a community organization that I founded two years ago. After further shaping and molding of what I've been hearing from Him, I'll hopefully be relaunching the organization in about a month. After honestly seeking and discerning the Lord's will for my next steps, I can say that He wants me to invest my energies in the vision He's given me and to support peripherally the vision He's given others, my friends in the Kingdom. So the road ahead of me is pretty clear - in terms of purpose.

On a personal level, I think I am missing something in my life. I want a companion to walk with. Doing this journey solo isn't something I'm afraid of because I've always done it solo. I've never been in a relationship before. But I'm recognizing my need for romantic intimacy and I think i'm just being honest with myself about that. I wouldn't paint a picture of myself as someone who is desperate or even a basket case because that wouldn't be accurate. But I would say that I ask God to continue to prepare me and him for each other and to bring us together when we're both ready for each other.

I don't think my desire is to be perfect. I've been pretty good at owning up to my imperfections and living through them. I think it would probably be more of a desire to fit. It's hard being a bridge builder. I was always wanting to be part of this community or that community then I realized that maybe I'm not supposed to only be part of one side of the bridge or the other but rather in the middle. I'm discovering that there is a community of bridge builders - those who are familiar with being in that place, that role. The greater vision for this realization is imagining what it would look like if bridge builders connected together. Then many many communities would have the opportunity to connect on multiple bridges and thus meet people they would never have met before in their own spheres. I think that's where God is taking the new organization - to bring fellow catalysts to the surface and then connect us together. (I'm so excited to show it to you when we're ready to go public!)

Hmm . . . . whether in a companion or in other catalysts, perhaps I'm looking for people like me. Maybe God is patiently constructing the kind of community I've been wanting to be part of. Who's with me? =P

Thank you, friends, for continuing to journey with me. I hope sharing what God is doing in me will prompt you to listen to what God is doing in you. Pursue authenticity. Empathize with those who are trying to be authentic. I believe that's how we begin to relate; that's how we begin to connect; that's how we begin to fit.

Vulnerable Again

There are so many things I've wanted to write and say here for the past several months. I know it's been awhile since I've really laid it all out - allowed myself to be completely raw. To be honest, i'm fighting for authenticity and i'm finding that hard because I don't feel safe. I know that I "am" safe. I just don't "feel" safe. It's hard to be authentic with you when I'm barely holding on trying to be authentic with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to be vulnerable again.

It's okay to be vulnerable again. Tell me it's okay to be vulnerable again.

Things have changed. And ironically, nothing has changed . . . . While on the one hand, I feel excited about fresh vision for what God wants me to do in the community. Yet on the other hand, there's me. The thing is . . . as much as I enjoy being able to help connect other people together, I'm perpetually longing to be connected myself. How can I help others do what I can't seem to do myself? Surely there are others better suited to receive and carry out a God-given vision. And still, there's this passion in me that drives me forward. If there are others out there who feel the way I do, I want to help because I think at the end of the day it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

There's this constant battle within me - yet another collision. I want to change the world but I feel like I can't do that until I change me. Perhaps I want to change the world because I can't change me. Or maybe I just want to be the kind of help for others that I'm desperately lacking. Maybe i'm always trying to serve other people's needs because I have needs. Perhaps, I just relate.

I'm okay admitting the fact that I'm broken. No, i'm not broken because I'm gay. My genes and my sexuality don't make me broken. Of anything, it's a [side X] culture that denies us from growing and developing socially and authentically that breaks our spirits (as if those gays are some kind of animals needing to be tamed). But no, i'm not broken because I'm gay. I'm broken because I'm still trying to figure out the pieces of my life - trying to use God's clues to discover where I fit.

Is it wrong to have a personal motive in trying to "give"? Am I just trying to help myself feel significant in this world? Is it wrong to just want to matter? Does admitting this make my cause for the community less virtuous? Less righteous? Can I just reclaim my right and my choice to be authentic, real . . . again. Dunno. But what I do know is that the many hills and valleys on this journey of mine brings me still closer to Christ admitting to Him that I still find it hard to look in the mirror. If I can't look at me, how can I really let you look at me? And so the hiding begins.

Maybe it's me that I don't feel safe with. Hmm . . . .

*exits closet*

I wish I could be this awesome success story for you and say that I once was lost but now I'm found - I once was confused and now I understand - I once was sad and now I'm happy - I once experienced a collision of worlds and now I've achieved cohesion.

But I can't.

The truth is - my story isn't finished yet. I still have much to battle, much to overcome, much to sort through. There's much too much to say I've succeeded at anything except the fact that I'm still on this journey - treading this path, continuing to walk towards my Christ, and along the way crying like a baby, laughing like a kid, imagining like a dreamer, learning like a student and pressing forward like a young man imperfect, forgiven, and graciously understood by his God.

Say It's Possible

I've been hoping to feel safe enough to blog again. I know, it's been too long. Until then, there's Jay Brannan singing a cover of Terra Naomi's "Say It's Possible". I actually like Jay's version better though because his emotion matches how I feel and he sounds absolutely beautiful! Plus, Jay is shirtless. :p But you should also check out Terra's official video of the song here.

Here's Jay on my behalf:



"Say It's Possible" by Terra Naomi

I SEE THE LIGHTS ARE TURNING
AND I LOOK OUTSIDE THE STARS ARE BURNING
THROUGH THIS CHANGING TIME
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING WE WANT
IT'S FINE SALVATION WAS JUST A PASSING THOUGHT.

DON'T WAIT ACT NOW
THIS AMAZING OFFER WON'T LAST LONG
IT'S ONLY A CHANCE TO PAVE THE PATH WE'RE ON
I KNOW THERE ARE MORE EXCITING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT
AND IN TIME WE'LL SORT IT OUT

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

AND TRUTH IS SUCH A FUNNY THING
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
KEEP ON TELLING ME
THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST
AND WHAT TO BE FRIGHTENED OF
AND ALL THE REST ARE WRONG
THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US

AND THOUGH THEY SAY IT'S POSSIBLE TO ME
I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S PROBABLE
I SEE THE COURSE WE'RE ON
SPINNING FARTHER FROM WHAT I KNOW
I'LL HOLD ON
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO
TELL ME THAT YOU WON'T LET GO

I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....
I'M NOT ALRIGHT....

THIS COULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL
COMBINE OUR LOVE INTO SOMETHING WONDERFUL
BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH I KNOW
AND THE PULL OF WHAT WE CAN'T GIVE UP TAKES HOLD

(c) Terra Naomi 2006