Thursday, April 09, 2009

Through My Eyes

I really was not expecting to tear up and cry while here at work after seeing this again.

My own story rings clearly for me and while I hear clips of their stories, they sound so much like mine. (see "Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher").

I suppose I teared up this morning because I've been feeling kinda alone in recent weeks - for a lot of reasons, really. But after seeing the trailer for Through My Eyes, GCN's recently released project documentary of young Christians wrestling with the issue of being gay and of homosexuality in the Church, I found that it stirred up a lot of those familiar emotions and memories of searching for connection and never seeming to find it.

These days, I busy myself with helping others to connect. I've been working non-stop on the Catalyst Community ( and the Green Long Beach! Festival ( the past three months. Not to mention my other project, the Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community site ( as well as many of the other collaborative communities and coalitions that I've been trying to help catalyze. These are all reasons why I haven't blogged here so frequently.

But in working so hard to help others connect, the heart of where that comes from is my own desire and need to connect - to feel connected. I long for reciprocity. And I appreciate the few truly mutual friendships that I do have in my life. It's just hard when relationships seem to come and go or fade before a root takes hold. What's harder is trying - really trying - not to internalize this pattern as my fault. Or perhaps it is. Or some of it.

Regardless of the reasons why or what the pattern means, at the end of the day I still find myself alone.

In thinking about these stories of young Christians who live and/or wrestle with being gay, what resonates for me is the fact that we want to connect. We want to live in faithful Christ-centered community. But when our churches reject us, what more do we have left?

A pastor asked me once regarding me not having a home church and asked if there was a community of believers who missed me when I wasn't present. The interesting thing is that after attending services at that church, no one acknowledged that I was present in the first place. And after subsequently discontinuing attendance at those services, I've not heard from the pastor. It's hard to miss someone you didn't realize was there.

So I suppose the answer to the question is "no."


wendy said...

Eric - this is such a poignant, vulnerable post. Thank you for sharing of yourself so generously. As a fellow seeker, I encourage you to stay alive to the quest for deep connection. Stay alive to hopefulness Eric. May you be deeply blessed this Easter weekend!

Earl said...

As always, I am in awe of your ability to be transparent just keep it real!!! I know that you have so much to give to that one who will be ready to call you his mate. Just hold on! God has Mr. Right already prepared for you. I pray that you meet him soon. Keep sharing your gigantic heart!! Love you lil bro.

Anonymous said...

Hey there, I am a female straight Christian and I know that the Lord does not want us to judge anyone. I recently have been praying and the thought two worlds collide popped in my head. I went to my computer and your blog came up. I don't blog so I don't know exactly what I am doing here. What I do know is that God is the judge of all and we are to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. I am to work on mine, you are to work on yours. One day we will both stand before
God who loves us both equally and He will judge us according to His holiness. I am to love you as He loves you. I pray that what I am saying will cause you to love me as Christ loves me. There is too much hate in the world on this issue. I may not agree that a person can be a Christian and practice homosexuality at the same time, just like I do not believe that a Christian should be having sex outside of marriage either. what I mean is we as Christians should try to be holy as Christ is holy. We will fail over and over again, but our goal is to die to self, our desires what ever they may be, one being sex outside of marriage in any form and to become more like Jesus. I can say with all my heart that I love you even though I do not know you I know that God loves you so much. You should continue to seek His will for your life. sometimes this is hard to do. It is easy to try to get caught on an issue and not really be seeking God's perfect will for each one of us. We should not focus on the causes necessarily but be praying for what He wants to do inside of each of us, not pointing our fingers at others but examining our own hearts and repenting over the things that are inside of us, and let God the Holy Spirit deal with all other individuals as we pray for them. May Jesus give you peace and understanding in your quest as you seek His perfect will for your lives. My prayer is that all who read this may not criticize me, or call me a biggot, or tell me I am stupid for not spelling every word, but my prayer is that I would be loved and respected for trying to connect and be honest with a person that God loves. Blessings, Vicki