Through My Eyes

I really was not expecting to tear up and cry while here at work after seeing this again.



My own story rings clearly for me and while I hear clips of their stories, they sound so much like mine. (see "Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher").

I suppose I teared up this morning because I've been feeling kinda alone in recent weeks - for a lot of reasons, really. But after seeing the trailer for Through My Eyes, GCN's recently released project documentary of young Christians wrestling with the issue of being gay and of homosexuality in the Church, I found that it stirred up a lot of those familiar emotions and memories of searching for connection and never seeming to find it.

These days, I busy myself with helping others to connect. I've been working non-stop on the Catalyst Community (www.GoCatalyst.org) and the Green Long Beach! Festival (www.greenLB.org) the past three months. Not to mention my other project, the Two World Collision Collaborative Christian Community site (www.TwoWorldCollision.com) as well as many of the other collaborative communities and coalitions that I've been trying to help catalyze. These are all reasons why I haven't blogged here so frequently.

But in working so hard to help others connect, the heart of where that comes from is my own desire and need to connect - to feel connected. I long for reciprocity. And I appreciate the few truly mutual friendships that I do have in my life. It's just hard when relationships seem to come and go or fade before a root takes hold. What's harder is trying - really trying - not to internalize this pattern as my fault. Or perhaps it is. Or some of it.

Regardless of the reasons why or what the pattern means, at the end of the day I still find myself alone.

In thinking about these stories of young Christians who live and/or wrestle with being gay, what resonates for me is the fact that we want to connect. We want to live in faithful Christ-centered community. But when our churches reject us, what more do we have left?

A pastor asked me once regarding me not having a home church and asked if there was a community of believers who missed me when I wasn't present. The interesting thing is that after attending services at that church, no one acknowledged that I was present in the first place. And after subsequently discontinuing attendance at those services, I've not heard from the pastor. It's hard to miss someone you didn't realize was there.

So I suppose the answer to the question is "no."

Stories That Change The World

I feel pregnant. I'm bursting at the seams and I'm ready to give birth - again. I say 'again' because this isn't the first time. When you've got a vision and you're seeing it become a reality, you can't help but feel like it's your baby. And once it's born, you just want to see it grow up. In a month's time, we'll be relaunching my second baby, an organization born-again from it's initial coming out two years ago, with new vision, direction, and look - Catalyst Community.

I think part of our journey of reconciling our faith and sexuality is finding our voice. Because part of living in the tension of colliding worlds is the frustration of feeling silenced. At some point there comes a time to tell our story. I'm not saying it has to be completely public where you start a blog *ahem* or Web site or you write a book or you record your story on YouTube. Some times, it's just telling your story to a trusted friend or a family member - a loved one. But ultimately, the journey leads to becoming known because no one really knew us when we were in the closet. The journey leads to authenticity - of who we are, of who we are to God.

If we are so willing, God can use our authenticity for the sake of His Kingdom and the broader community - people He loves dearly. Sometimes I feel like my journey started off self-focussed. I was always working on "me". But now that I know that God loves me, I realize that it's not about "me". Working on "me" was necessary so that I could get to a point of realizing that it's more about God and others. And for me, that takes the form of a vision for a community sensitive to authenticity and empathy. You'll hear more about the new Catalyst in later posts.

There are people like us who will hear our story and be changed themselves. If enough of us tell our story, I believe the community can be changed . . . .

I think of friends like Peterson Toscano who retired his play "Doin' Time in the Homo Nomo Halfway House" where he creatively shares his experiences in reparative therapy and ex-gay programs and is now pioneering efforts to help others tell their stories through one of his babies Beyond Ex-Gay. "Doin' Time" is now available on DVD (which I've already purchased, go buy it!). Peterson now performs a number of other plays that help educate and inspire diverse audiences.

I think of friends like Justin Lee who came to reconcile his faith and sexuality, then started a Web site called Justin's World to help others who were wrestling with being gay and Christian. He eventually started Gay Christian Network and now has well over 8,000 members nurturing people on their own personal journeys, people growing a vibrant faith, and connecting with churches throughout communities all around the world.

I also think of friends like Andrew Marin who courageously confronted his own prejudices against gay people, moved to Boys Town in Chicago with his new wife, immersed himself in gay culture, and learned to love beyond the "issue". Andrew reconciled his journey of being a straight evangelical who also has friends and loved ones who are gay. Andrew started The Marin Foundation to help build bridges between the mainstream faith communities and the GLBT communities. He's now writing a book that will help catalyze the conversation within the Church.

I think of my mother who finally told her sister that she has a gay son. Remember in this previous post when I asked my mom to tell my aunt? She did it. She came out as a parent of a gay son. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday because she wants me to buy a house and she ended our phone conversation with 'I love you'. That was HUGE to me because that was the first time EVER that she had initiated that statement to me. I never doubted that she loves me. But that was the first time she said it first. I spoke with her today and she told me that she did tell my aunt that I'm gay. My aunt is okay with it. And my mom is okay with her knowing. [On a side note: my mom told me that one of my uncles (her cousin) was gay-bashed and murdered two years ago when he was visiting the Philippines. Omg. My mom also happened to be visiting in a different city and was informed of his death. She was able to attend the funeral. My mom and aunt knew that their cousin was gay. He just stayed in the closet and married a woman. He died not knowing that my mom and aunt already knew and that if he would have came out to them, they would have accepted him.] It's not like my mom is going to start some organization or start a chapter of PFLAG. She doesn't have to. But she's telling her story and it's changing our family.

I also think of the many many bloggers out there who are telling their stories. For the third year in a row, numerous people will be "Blogging for LGBT Families".

I believe that stories transcend dogma and stereotypes. Stories make an issue personal. Stories catalyze relationships that eventually change the world.

In a previous post, I mentioned that my approach is to being a catalyst over being an activist. My friend and TWC reader Steve asked in a comment what the difference is between the two. In a nutshell, I'd say that (in my own personal view) a catalyst initiates and inspires others towards a direction or cause. The catalyst sparks movement while eventually handing over the microphone (or keyboard) to those who accept ownership. An activist champions the cause and sees it to fulfillment. I'd say that sometimes a catalyst becomes an activist or even that some activists act catalytically, but in a world changing movement I tend to think that we need both.

One of my favorite books is "The Starfish and the Spider" by Ori Brafman and Rod A. Beckstrom. The book resonated with me because it affirmed my own approach towards community development and my preferences for organizational structure by giving terminology and vocabulary that described my unconventional style. The book talks about how decentralized organizations are like an unstoppable movement - giving the power to the people to shape and define and facilitate and enforce their cause. A starfish is an organism that replicates when parts are severed. A spider is an organism that struggles when legs are severed and dies when the head is cut off.

Starfish entities like peer-to-peer networks and music/file-sharing swappers, users of Craigslist and MySpace and Facebook, the collaboration of Apache engineers, the Native American Apache nation, the contributors of Wikipedia, Alcoholics Anonymous, and even al-qaeda are all difficult to contain because there is no specific head. Sub-communities function independently and taking one group out only inspires the creation of two new groups to replace what was lost.

Spider entities like traditional corporations, religious institutions, and governments are massive but instituting change within can be slow. Removing the head can cause confusion (just ask the chicken) and ultimately results in a fall unless the head is replaced.

The book contends that a Spider is ultimately no match for a Starfish unless the Spider becomes more of a hybrid - takes on Starfish-like qualities. In order to take out a cell, you need to attack with a cell. On the other hand, if you want to catalyze change within the State or the Church - then you've got to do it from the ground up and start a movement among the people. You can't stop people from telling their own personal stories.

The book also describes key elements to a Starfish - five legs:

Leg 1: Circles - smaller units of people that are independent and autonomous.
Leg 2: Catalyst - the visionary, the vision holder, the one who inspires.
Leg 3: Ideology - common vision or beliefs or values
Leg 4: The Preexisting Network - various conglomerations of connecting circles
Leg 5: The Champion - the relentless promoter

All five legs working together can lead to world changing movements like the fights for Civil Rights and Womens' Suffrage and Marriage Equality.

I can go on and on about this stuff! I've even led a workshop called "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" using many of these concepts. If you want to continue a dialogue on this, please definitely contact me! (See top left column)

[Another side note: I was honored to have been given an advance copy of Ori Brafman's newest book (co-authored with his brother Rom Brafman), "SWAY: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior", now available today! I've already started reading it and it's awesome! You'll probably see me write more about it as I'll no doubt be processing much of the things they write about.]

So anyway, back on topic - these are the kinds of approaches I take in being a lifestyle catalyst to hopefully inspire change and growth and progress in my various communities, groups and social circles. These are also my approaches towards developing the new Catalyst as a somewhat hybrid organization - a community that is shaped by its members. Stay tuned!

Catalyst is just my way of telling my story and encouraging others to tell theirs. Find a way to tell your story to help others. As we all find ways of telling our stories, whether publicly and loudly or privately individually, we are all being catalytic. Our stories reshape people's view of who we are because they finally have an opportunity to see who we really are. When we are silent and hidden, people have no other frame of reference except for the voices of those talking about us. If I don't tell my own authentic story, then someone else will tell it and fill in their own blanks. I (almost) can't blame someone for attaching a stereotype or assumptions to their view of who I am.

We need to find ways of living authentically so that our accurate stories can be told. Then people can begin to empathize and relate with us as fellow members of the community.

Missed Opportunity

I have a confession. I pre-judged RJ Helton unfairly.

He was a guest at last weekend's GCN conference in DC and I wasn't exactly one of the guys fawning all over him. Honestly, I had never heard of him before. The only thing I knew was what others had been saying "about" him - something about him being on American Idol season 1 (which I never saw), him being gay (which seemed evident), and him being caught with his pants down at a club. Actually the rumor I heard was that a photo was taken with his pants down showing his underwear but I think the context was that he may have been "pants'ed" by a drag queen? while he was performing a song.

Whatever.

The point is that I . . . . formed my whole image of who this guy is based simply on things people said about him. So when the time came to see him, I didn't give him a chance. In fact, I didn't even go to his concert (except for peeking in for literally two minutes out of curiosity). Then as the conference progressed and people who liked him shared about how they were touched by him, I felt pretty indifferent about it.

Then it came time for everyone at the conference to share their experiences during an open mic session that lasted three and a half hours. RJ was asked to sing a song and before doing so, he shared from his heart about what was going on inside of him. He began to share about how much it meant to him to have so much love from all of "us". Yeah, Gay Christians. He said that it was because of his interaction with many friendly people at the conference, he had finally begun looking again towards a God who loved him. He cried and cried and people cried and cried and then he sung an (honestly) amazing song.

I realized, then, that I'm a schmuck. I hadn't given him a chance. And even IF the things I assumed about him were true, who am I to judge him and to not give him the time of day or to even listen to him sing one full song? God touched his heart and drew him back to Himself by using gay Christians at the conference. And I wasn't one of them because, what?, i'm too good? Not at all! I was so set on not being impressed by his celebrity that I didn't allow myself to be impressed by his heart.

Lord, forgive me for judging RJ Helton harshly and for not demonstrating or expressing Your love towards him. To RJ, (doubtful he'll read this), while I never spoke to you in person, I'm sorry for being a prick - in my heart towards you. I pray God's continued blessings for you. I don't want to miss another opportunity to serve God because I wasn't paying attention to who He was loving at the time.

Gosh, I feel like the mainstream Church who are clueless about the fact that God is loving His gay people. Ouch.

Final Day in DC

As the GCN conference closes for 2008, the official announcement has been made. The next GCN conference for 2009 will be here in Southern California! Woo hoo!!!

I'm back home now and apparently it's been raining all weekend here. I love the rain so I'm a tad bummed that I've been missing it in exchange for the nice clear days in Washington DC. Well, not really all that bummed. Besides, it's still raining.

I had time to say a few good byes before leaving for the airport. Among so many people that I was glad to meet, one of them was my pal David from the blog Resolving Realities. That's our mugs in the pic. We didn't get to hang out for a lengthy period of time, but it's always fun meeting fellow bloggers! It was also super fun seeing my bud Charlie from London again. He always, ALWAYS makes me laugh and smile.

With next year's conference coming to this region next year, I'm wondering and hoping that the conference planner(s) will let me take an active role in planning things - if not certain parts. I'd really like to take it to the next level for GCN and I've got a vision for how it could be. But it all depends on what they say because it's their role to plan the annual conferences. Either way, i'll make myself available to help in any way since I'm local. Plus there are tons of local people here that would help out too. Regardless, Ryan and I will be working together this year to establish and to bring an awareness of a gay Christian infrastructure in Southern California - including connecting with inclusive churches, businesses and community organizations. This will be an activity of Catalyst so it would only make sense to tie things in with GCN's conference.

It'll be awesome!

Third Full Day in DC

As much as I could, I tried to be friendly and introduce myself to people I had never met. I would hope that I am an approachable kind of guy - sometimes it would appear like I'm always busy or always on the move or always around people but really I enjoy connecting with people. Being an introvert, I took some time every now and then to rejuvenate on my own by sitting alone to take a breath before plunging back in to the crowds. Being social really is a choice for me and I try not to let being an introvert become an excuse not to talk to people. I'm genuinely interested in people and since I have no other agenda except to know people and to let them feel valued, it's easier for me to be that "social butterfly".

I'm really glad that several people throughout the past three days sought me out and introduced themselves to me just to say hello and thanks for TWC. I felt like there was a mutuality to my experience here - both I and others were making an effort to meet new people. I had some really awesome and lengthy conversations, heard a great keynote from Jay Bakker, led a workshop i'm happy about, and heard some awesome tear-jerking stories from conference-goers . . . .

At the beginning of the day, the first keynote speaker of the conference was Jay Bakker. I was touched in so many ways as he talked about the death of his mother Tammy Faye, other issues with his own family, and the hurt he felt from friends for being a straight advocate for gay rights. He's such a big name here that people often fawned over him. I'm not the type to stalk celebrities because I don't want to come across as "one of those fans" so I tried to respect his space and distance. I imagine it can be overwhelming at times and I'd rather just be normal. So I went to the elevator last night and saw him trapped in it by a guy holding it open just to talk with him and I was like "oh no, one of them!" So when the guy finally released the door, I laughed and Jay affirmed being held hostage. I introduced myself and we were both friendly. I don't think any of us left the elevator scared. LOL

In the afternoon, I led my second workshop on "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" and I was very pleased with it. I got to share my heart and my approach to working with groups and I got to offer practical tips for them to catalyze their own local groups. I got tons of great feedback from people who found the workshop very helpful so I'm looking forward to staying connected with many of them who want to continue the conversation and bounce ideas and questions off me. I'd love to do this workshop again!

I had an incredibly refreshing dinner conversation with a new friend named David. As many of the conference-goers went to dinners in large groups, David and I decided to deviate and have a more quiet meal together in our own booth. I found David fascinating as he told me his story. He's clergy and gay. He's Side A celibate and leads to an independent Catholic parish - two things that I had never heard of before. Maintaining a Side A perspective, he does believe that it's okay to be gay and that all people (both gay and straight) are to have healthy romantic relationships. However, he feels personally called to celibacy. I find that fascinating! He also told me that there are many independent Catholic parishes that are no longer connected to Rome. Many of them keep relations with other independent Catholic parishes and it was awesome to hear how they support one another and even develop their own accountability system among trusted fellow clergy. I found so much in common with David and I learned so many things that I had not known before. He truly was a blessing! I'll be staying in touch with David.

Last night's conference session was a sharing time - an open mic to give conference go-ers an opportunity to share what's on their hearts, what God has been revealing to them, some of their story, and who has touched their lives at the conference and during their journey. This is my third conference and it's always amazing to hear how God is actually using GCN to impact so many lives. It last three and a half hours and concluded at midnight!

Another awesome conversation that I had was with Ross of In Lay Terms. He came to the conference as an invited guest as someone from Lutherans Concerned - an LGBT organization for Lutherans. He's also a co-director for The Naming Project - an LGBT youth organization. He had been spending much of his time talking with various people about one of the upcoming conferences he's connected to so, like me, he was always around people. I mentioned to him at some point that I wanted to talk with him later during the conference to hear his "schpeel and his schory (story)" - to know more about the conference, his organization, and his story. It seemed we could never get together during the meal breaks or in the hotel lobby so I figured it'd never happen. Plus, I thought, with all the people he's talked to, that he didn't remember me anyway. Until last night he went to look for me! I'm glad he did because we ended up talking all night (morning) from 1am - 4am. It was fun because we mutually shared our hearts and passions and vision for things we're a part of. We're similar in tons of ways and it was fun just to have one of those natural kind of conversations where every time we realized it was late and would have wrapped up our time we'd end up talking about something else and talk for yet another hour. I'm looking forward to keeping in touch with him!

I've met tons of awesome people here, many of whom I'm looking forward to staying connected with!

Second Full Day in DC

I pretty much slept in yesterday morning because I hadn't fallen asleep until 4am. By the time I was up and ready for the day it was brunch then off to the next keynote speaker. For the afternoon session I facilitated the first of two small group workshops. This one was on "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online While Developing Community in the Process" and I think it went relatively well. I intentionally kept it casual and I wanted it to be more discussion oriented. On the blogosphere, we're all on a level playing field - everyone has a voice. I definitely don't consider myself an expert at blogging, so during the workshop I wanted our interaction to reflect that same level playing field where we could all learn from one another's stories and experiences. I built a blog for the workshop to illustrate examples and to share resources. We'll also be using it to connect everyone part of the workshop.

For dinner, I hung out with my friends Christine, JJ, and Eugene - all fellow bloggers. It's super fun connecting with them in person because all of us kind of developed a sense of friendship and community with each other progressively online through our blogs. In fact, JJ started her blog soon after I did, then Eugene did after her so we were all pretty new to blogging when we all began to connect and share lives and comments virtually. Fun times!

Later in the evening, a bunch of us hung out in the lobby until 2 AM playing board games. I have a new favorite game now - it's called Guillotine! Oh so much fun! Then we chit chatted for awhile as more people came by then we played Settlers of Catan's exansion Knights and Cities. I hope that's what it's called. I was learning it for the first time.

Over the past 14 years, I've gone to SO MANY conferences. I find the most value in connecting with people. I've been meeting tons of new friends. I've been reconnecting with old friends from different parts of the country. It's a privilege and honor to be able to contribute by leading and facilitating workshops. The keynote speakers are thought provoking. So I'm having a great time.

Today should be fun. This morning, Jay Bakker of Revolution Church will be the keynote speaker. He's known for being on the forefront of being inclusive of gays and lesbians in the Church. As a straight pastor with notable parents, he's been taking tons of heat from the mainstream Side X church community. So i'm looking forward to what he has to share. Later this afternoon, i'm leading the second small group workshop on "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area". I'm excited about what I have to offer so I hope it all goes well!

First Full Day in DC

Yesterday was our first full day in Washington DC - here for the 2008 GCN Conference. This is my third conference! Bryan, Ryan and I spent the afternoon at the National Mall checking out the sites and it was awe-inspiring to be in such a historical place of freedom. We also took some goofy pics! You can check them out here in my facebook photo album.

By dinner Ryan and I went to dinner with Heidi and Mike. It was so awesome meeting them for the first time. While i've met fellow bloggers and/or TWC readers before, I'm the first online blogger friend that they've met. It was really fun meeting them and we had some great conversation about the Church, about being "post-congregational" and about the Church's response towards gay believers. They are an awesome couple!

After dinner, I met a ton of cool GCN'ers before the conference began. It's also fun to meet some of you TWC readers! Gosh, that's humbling cuz I am SO not a celebrity. If you're here at the conference, be sure to introduce yourself to me! Justin gave a fun keynote speech as usual. Later in the evening, we made our way to an Irish pub and I got a tad buzzed. You know you're gay when you go to an Irish pub and order a blue drink. Hey, i like Blue Hawaiians! Plus I had a couple shots of jaegermeisters too. =P

It was a fun first day! Today, the conference continues and I'll be doing my first of two small group workshops - "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online and Developing Community in the Process". I'll let you know how it goes!

Washington DC, Here I Come!

It's just after 2 A.M. and I'll be waking up at 5:30 A.M. to get ready and go to the airport. I'll be heading to Washington DC for the GCN Conference on Jan. 3-6th, 2008. I'm so excited to be going!

I'll be rooming with my good friend Ryan. We'll be having a large group dinner for early-arrivers Weds night. Thursday, we'll be going to the National Mall to see stuff, then we're going ice skating!

Then (hopefully) we'll be meeting up with . . . . Heidi and Michael Daniels for dinner. They are fellow bloggers and it's always fun meeting bloggers offline during my travels. (Gosh, I remember it was two years ago while at my first GCN conference in Florida when I met my first fellow blogger - my gal bud Angel and her family. Fun times!) So I'll try to post a pic of us!

Anyway, the conference starts Thursday night and I'm excited to be meeting tons-o-folks! Plus, this year I'm leading two small group workshops: "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" and "Blogging: Sharing Your Story Online While Developing Community in the Process". I hope people like what I've got to share!

Here's some last bit of catch up on my holiday weeks:

My Christmas day was mellow but good since I spent the afternoon and evening with my family. The day after Christmas I had a blast hiking at Joshua Tree. The next evening, I had an awesome time hanging out with Ryan. We're both super excited about some projects that we're going to do together. The day after that, my friend Daniel Gonzales from Box Turtle Bulletin video recorded my story in four segments (with a fifth Q&A segment). It's posted on YouTube now! You can search for it now if you like (just watch them in order from P1 to P4 then bonus), otherwise I'll post them up here on TWC in a few days. Then all weekend through New Years, I've been working on the two workshops for the conference.

Whew! So I finally finished packing and I (sorta) cleaned the apartment (including taking down decorations from the tree, dishes, laundry, trash) before my buddy/room mate returns from Iowa. And here I am writing to you still. Oy, I gotta get to sleep! *yawn @ 3:26 A.M.* Okay, stay tuned for news from the conference!

Road Trip Destination: Grand Rapids, Michigan

After visiting Indy last week, we drove up to Grand Rapids, Michigan on August 29th and 30th to hang out with Matt, Becky, Jane and Greg. We had just seen Becky in Louisville for her Ironman and I hadn't seen Matt in several months (when he was in SoCal) so I was way super excited to see them again!

Hehe, you can bet we drove the speed limit until we left the state of Indiana!

We did quite a bit of site seeing and museum visiting throughout our road trip so far, so we loved the idea of going to Michigan without any major plans. We enjoyed Matt's beautiful house, we caught up on some zzz's, we saw Lake Michigan, took some goofy photos (see link below), sampled the best pizza in Michigan, and checked out a gay club . . . .

As we drove in to Michigan, it was so awesome to see the fresh green trees and clear blue skies. Gosh, it's a beautiful state!

Matt let us stay at his place and I've gotta say that it was absolutely amazing. His house is humongous! He gave us a tour and it seemed like every time we turned a corner we entered a whole new wing of the house. Okay not really but kinda. What took my breath away was seeing his backyard. He has a deck that leads to a huge back yard with tall trees and the yard extended all the way back to a small lake with a small pier or dock, ducks and everything! It was gorgeous! There are no dividing walls or hedges between the neighbors so it looks like everyone just has the hugest back yard area and they all share the lake.

Wow!

So after seeing the place, Michael and I decided that we really didn't need to see any sites or museums in Michigan. Instead we wanted to just relax and enjoy a peaceful couple of days in Michigan. It was, after all, our vacation!

On the first night when we arrived and met up with Matt, he drove us out to Grand Haven to see the pier off Lake Michigan and to see a show called the Musical Fountain. It's weird to see a lake where you can't see the other side. There were even waves that crashed into the pier. Michael almost got swept away! It was like being at the ocean except the water and air wasn't salty. Interesting.

The Musical Fountain was a nice water show with lights and music. It was a fun family atmosphere. After the show, we all got some ice cream and enjoyed the nice evening. Oh and there were tons of stars visible peppering the night sky with a full moon. I had a great time!

Matt's a terrific host and friend. These were week days so he had to go in to work during the day but he let us make ourselves at home. We got to sleep in until we woke up - without the aid of any stinkin' alarm clock. I got up before Michael so I spent some time sitting in front of the lake watching the ducks and then I had a bowl of Cheerios on the backyard deck to enjoy a still and crisp morning.

Sigh!

We took our time getting ready for the day and we eventually met up with Matt during his lunch break. We went to Yesterdog - that hot dog/chili dog hang out that was featured in American Pie. It had been a while since I saw the movie so I didn't realize that the movie was set in East Grand Rapids. So that was cool. I really liked the place though. It felt like being in the bronx (as if i've ever been) but in Michigan. When we arrived there were a ton of customers so the employees squeezed everyone inside hollering their instructions and they just started taking mass orders for food. When it was ready, they'd yell out, 'who had the ultradog?!' or 'who had the two yesterdogs?!' It was awesome! Eventually we got our food and enjoyed our thoroughly unhealthy heart clogging chili cheese dogs.

(And yes, i gained SO much weight on this road trip vacation!!! - ugh.)

After lunch, Matt went back to work. I spent the afternoon at the library catching up on Internet stuff while Michael stayed at the house doing laundry. It was rather nice because it was like living there (for a day). By the time evening came and Matt returned from work, the three of us went over to Becky and Jane's house (which is also gi-normous!) for dinner. Michigan isn't really known for its pizza so at first it seemed that Michigan wouldn't be in our road trip Pizza Wars but then we discovered that Jane makes a terrific spinach artichoke pizza. Yummers! So it'll make the review.

Jane is a super fun gal! She's Becky's room mate. What I love about her is her support for Becky. I first met Jane down in Louisville for Becky's Ironman and it impressed me to see how much of a rock she is for Becky. She not only cheers her on but she walks with Becky in the pursuit of her goals. She keeps her on schedule. She encourages her. She supports her. She reminds her of why she's doing the race. In fact, during the Ironman, Jane literally walked along side Becky during the race for, what?, 13 miles? So Jane got points with me - plus, i love her smile and not to mention the pizza!

It was so much fun hanging out at Becky's place. This was the first time that Matt, Becky and I were in the same place at the same time. Matt and I first met through this blog. He had been reading Two World Collision and it was in an email on September 27, 2005 that he first introduced himself to me as a fellow journeyer. We began a dialogue and stayed in touch and we've been friends ever since! Almost a year after that first email, Matt came out to SoCal from Michigan and we met for the first time. (Read about that awesome time here.)

It was through Matt that I got connected with Becky a couple months later. They were both friends over there in Michigan and Matt told Becky about Two World Collision. We made contact and I soon discovered Becky's awesome heart for the GLBT community as a straight ally. She loves us. Period. Because God loves us. So how can she not? That's what I love about her. "Love Wins" is a phrase she adopted from the church she is a part of out there (Mars Hill). I've written about her before so hopefully by now you know that she is an amazing triathlete. If you can only get to know her, you'll discover that she has a heart of gold. She makes me laugh! We finally got to meet each other just a few months ago. (Read about that awesome time here.)

It's crazy how I developed such good friendships with Matt and Becky separately before me even meeting either of them. It probably helped that the two of them are good friends. But as time went on, we just had a connection. It wasn't that we talked every single day - if you know me at all, my life is too crazy busy to be able to manage that. But it was more that we all had this common thread of relating to the colliding worlds of faith and sexuality and we were each willing to walk with each other (in a way) on that journey. So meeting Matt was awesome. Then meeting Becky was awesome. And it was on this trip that the three of us were finally together at the same time and we were able to take an actual photo with all of us present. If you're gonna know me a bit more through this blog, then you've gotta know that these two people hold a very special place in my heart.

(Cue the 'Awwwww' in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - Go!)

Awwwwwwwwww!!!

Then there's Greg. Greg inspired me. He's a friend of Becky's and Matt's so of course he's gotta be a good guy. But really, I was inspired by his sincere heart for connecting with "his" gay community. He does so with such love! It was still a week night and Matt and Becky both had work the next day. Greg was planning on going to a club called Diversions for Karaoke night and he invited Michael and I to join him. Since we wanted to see what 'gay areas' were like in different cities along our road trip, this turned out to be a perfect opportunity to see what it was like in Grand Rapids.

It looked like a fun two story club. Upstairs there was a bar and a Karaoke system set up. Downstairs there were several rooms - one with billiards and another with a dance floor. In appearance, I was surprised that many of the guys reminded me of West Hollywood guys. But I was also interested to see that the club overall was pretty diverse. Perhaps it was that particular night or maybe it's like that all the time but there was a pretty good mix of guys, gals, older, younger, mostly white but some hispanic, black and asian.

The thing that really impressed me about Greg was seeing him in his element. He's the guy that is friends with or knows mostly everyone at the club. He had people coming up to greet him and talk with him or catch up with him or schedule a time to hang out. Greg would tell us snap shots into each person's story and knowing those stories added dimension to each person that I was looking at - and that increased in me a sense of compassion. That's what was inspiring to me - the fact that he knew them and they knew him. I saw a sincerity in his interaction with them though. He wasn't simply there "as a witness" (gag). He was there in community with them. He was them. He was there to love. Period.

After leaving the club, Michael and I talked for quite a while processing what we had seen that night and throughout the road trip and what we sensed God revealing to us. One of the things that I had been processing is the fact that I can't do everything that I'd like to do in the community on my own. Seeing Greg helped me to realize that I need someone like Greg here in Long Beach.

I've known for some time now that part of the (Catalyst) vision that God has for me in building bridges to enable community and connections is that relationships need to be developed in the mainstream church community, in the gay Christian community, and in the gay community. For the past several months, I've been investing in building gay Christian community. I think i'm planning on writing more about all that in a future post soon. Years ago before I came out, I started investing in the mainstream church community. After leaving that organization I helped start, my ministry co-partner at the time continued our efforts and still maintains those relationships. I've only touched the surface in building relationships in the gay community.

The thing is - I feel pretty comfortable in continuing to build relationships within the gay Christian community. But it's somewhat awkward for me to try and rekindle relationships I had within the mainstream church community. And I feel like I don't have time to delve into a whole other web of social networks within the gay community (although, i'd like to). So in talking and processing with Michael, I think that God was showing me that I don't necessarily have to try to work within all three communities. If I connect with my old ministry co-partner who has the relationships with the mainstream church community, and if I connect with someone who already has a web of natural relationships in the broader gay community, then the three of us can explore together how we might forge relational bridges among the three communities in the "Hot Zone".

So that's something that I'm still processing and chewing on right now. You may read more about it later.

Our time in Grand Rapids, Michigan was amazing. It was so good to reconnect with friends and to make new ones. If you'd like to see tons of other super fun and goofy pictures that we took here, be sure to check them out here at my facebook album!

Labor Day weekend was approaching and we were preparing for the next leg of our road trip.

Next stop - Chicago, Illinois!

Road Trip Destination: Indianapolis, Indiana

It was time to continue onward on our road trip so we drove up through Northern Kentucky to drop off Jason home in Florence, KY. We were close to Cincinnati so we decided to stop by to try some famous Cincinnati Chili. It was okay. Then we moved on to Indianapolis, IN to see a fellow GCN'er, Haskle, who showed us around his city.

So we were there from August 27th - 28th and we saw some cool sites, a museum of fast cars, sampled fine pizza, took some fun pics (see link below), and got stopped by the Indy State Troopers - aka, the Speed Nazi's . . . .

The drive through Northern Kentucky and Indiana was quite nice actually. I loved seeing the trees and farmland. Northern Kentucky is a bit more hilly so that was cool to see too. It was a very nice drive.

We got to the Indianapolis area and found our hotel. We discovered why it's a good idea to suspect why a particular hotel is significantly cheaper than all the others. The Econo Lodge. It was near the freeway, near a gas station, and near a XXX adult video store frequented by truckers. The pool of the hotel was full of water - green and blue, crusty with critters. The hotel lobby and hall ways had the fresh aroma of cigarette smoke with every door and window marked with a no smoking sign. The carpet was gringy and I could feel the floor cling to my sandals with every step I took. The free internet was available in the lobby only and the work out gym was a small room with some rusted bike machines, dumb bells, and a bench.

But it was a roof over our head, a bed to sleep on, and most importantly, we had internet access.

After checking in to our hotel, we located Bazbeax Pizza, which I saw on the internet somewhere that they were rated #1 best pizza in Indy. So we entered them into our Pizza Wars and will include them in our Mid West Pizza Review. Stay tuned as we will be posting our reviews next week!

The next day, we made our way to Haskle's place to meet him for the first time. He's a fellow GCN'er and apparently the only one in the area that we knew of. Then it happened.

I was in the left lane and traveling a little SLOWER than the flow of traffic. Actually, I was driving at 65 MPH so I thought I was doing just fine. That's the speed limit in Southern California and who even follows that? I passed by an Indiana State Trooper who was parked in the left shoulder and an internal flag went up.

Uh oh, did he see me? Uh oh, he's starting to move. Let's try to hide by changing lanes and going slower.

I squeezed between two small cars to pretend like I was going the right speed - same as everyone else. But our big red SUV between two small compact cars made us stick out like a sore thumb. I watched the trooper begin to gain speed in the left hand lane. Then he approached our location. All the other cars around us slowed to legal speed and started distancing themselves away from us like we passed gas or something as if to point their fingers and say, 'THEY DID IT!'

Sell outs.

The trooper changed lanes and positioned himself behind us. Oh great! Then there was that split second of hope that maybe he was just driving along and he just happened to drive behind us. Then it happened. Hope was shattered as his red and blue lights started flashing.

Darn!

Michael and I stayed calm. I pulled over to the side of the road, stopped the engine and put the keys on the dashboard. I got my driver's license while Michael found the car rental information. I watched in my rear view mirror as one trooper climbed out of the car like he was dismounting his horse and the other trooper stayed inside his air conditioned vehicle to keep an eye on us. The trooper put on his cowboy-looking light brown and gray state trooper hat and began to waddle toward us side to side with every step imbalanced from the weight of his utility belt fully equipped with gun, hand cuffs, mag-light, baton, tazer, pepper spray, light saber, rope and black berry.

He walked up to the passenger side window next to Michael and I hit the switch to roll down the window. 'Howdy. Y'all know how fast you were going?'

'65', I replied somewhat confidently. What could possibly be wrong with going 65 MPH on the freeway (I thought to myself)?

'The speed limit is 55 miles per hour all throughout the state of Indiana', he said with a drawl.

'Oh', I said with a genuine look of surprise while I heard the wooshing wizz's of cars from the Interstate passing by at 75 MPH laughing at me.

We gave him my driver license and the car rental information. Great. I had a California driver license in a rented car with Texas license plates. What are these two asian bandits running from?

I continued watching in my rear view mirror as he climbed back into his car. By now, i'm sure his partner Tonto ran our plates. They called in our information to do a complete background check - you know, the standard criminal history, credit history, academic history. I think they even checked with my past employers and called my references.

It took them quite a while to do the research so I figured that they were going to write a ticket. If they were going to let me go with a warning, they'd have told us by now. Plus, I saw trooper Adams writing something as Trooper Tonto assisted by holding the eraser. The sucky part is remembering a sign that said something about a $1000 fine for speeding and jail time for reckless driving. Oy vey!

I guessed that they decided not to call for back up because Trooper Adams climbed back off his horse and returned to Michael's window. He handed us a green slip of paper and informed us that he was going to let us off with a warning, that there would be no court fees and no jail time. He also told us that the speed limit is 55 MPH state wide (which is not true) and that we ought to be careful as we re-enter the Interstate to rejoin the flow of law-abiding Indiana drivers.

Whew and thanks and yes sirs were given.

So I continued on down the freeway with my cruise control set to 55 MPH as EVERY single car wooshed by us waving their fists at the slow and crazy asian driver. Sigh. I don't care. I'd rather piss people off by going slow on the freeway instead of paying $1000 fine for speeding because I ignored the grace of a warning and got caught driving too fast a second time. The funny thing is that I saw Troopers Adams and Tonto approaching again, drove right along side our slow butts, flashed the red and blues and pulled over another car. Whoa! They totally would have caught us a second time had we been speeding.

So we laughed at the next guy they pulled over.

We finally made it to Haskle's home and it was great to meet him. He had the day off from work (sort of - we went in with him at the end of the day) so he took the whole day to show us around. Thanks Haskle! We went to the Indianapolis Speedway and Museum. That was hilariously fitting after just receiving the warning from the Speed Nazi's.

We also drove around Monument Circle and took pics of the center of town where this huge structure is located to commemorate the city's war history.

For lunch, we went to Fazoli's which I had never heard of. It was awesome! It's like a fast-food Italian restaurant chain. I've never seen that before. Once they make it to the West Coast, I think they'll bank big time.

Then we made our way to the Indianapolis Museum of Art. It was funny because right when we walked through the door, one of the museum staff started talking to us about this fun and interesting piece of art that we could actually touch and that it's an amazing experience. So we ran up to the third floor in search of the exhibit only to discover that the staff guy and the exhibit was "full of air". We walked around and looked at some of the other stuff.

I'm not exactly an art-guy. I don't look at a painting or a sculpture and evaluate it's texture and color and blah blah blah. For me, I like art for what it makes me feel or for how it affects me. I'm looking for something that brings out an emotion from me. So when I go to a museum, i'll walk around hopping from piece to piece and i'll stop if the artwork itself makes me stop. Nevertheless, it was fun to look around, joke around with Michael and Haskle, and move on.

For dinner, we went to Weber Grill. It was nice enough. Haskle and I both fawned over our server and we convinced Haskle to leave a note for him. Yeah, he was pretty cute. He was the one who took this photo of us. You can bet how tempted we were to tell him, 'great, thanks for the photo, now YOUR turn!'

Haskle filled out the customer feedback card and told "Adam" thanks for the great service. Then he bolted out the door before our server returned to see that it was Haskle that left him the lil' secret admirer note. He's silly. Ah, to be in junior high school again!

It was really good to meet Haskle and to get to know him more. I think he and I have a similar sense of humor. I enjoyed connecting with him and hearing more of his story. As we trek through parts of the Mid West, it's awesome to see a common thread in each of our lives - this journey of figuring out what to do with the realization that we are gay but are also very much in love with God. We're not all that different - nor alone.

I've got tons more pictures of our time in Indianapolis. Be sure to check them out here at my facebook album!

Next stop - Grand Rapids, Michigan!

Road Trip Destination: Louisville, Kentucky

We spent the weekend in Louisville, KY and met up with Jason, a fellow GCN'er from Northern Kentucky. He took the grey hound bus to meet up and spent the weekend with us. We arrived on Friday, Aug. 24th late afternoon and left the morning of Monday, Aug. 27th.

Seeing Louisville was fun but the main reason we planned this whole road trip was because our friend Becky (from Michigan) was competing in the Ironman competition. So much of our time was geared around that. But we also got to connect with some awesome GCN'ers in the area . . . .

Once we got into town and picked up Jason at the bus station, we got our hotel and then made our way to the Kentucky State Fair. It was fun to see local Kentuckyans in their native habitat (haha, okay not really but sort of) as we walked around booths and games and rides and horses and pick up trucks and national guard vehicles and men in military fatigues (purr...) and country music bands and such. The main draw for us was that Switchfoot was having a concert there. It sure was hot and humid in the outdoor stadium but it was fun.

Switchfoot has always been a favorite band of mine. I had been listening to Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) for more than a decade and so naturally I was drawn to Jon Foreman and the boys. His lyrics have always moved me! But I stopped listening to CCM at around 2001 when my paradigm of "Church" started changing. As I began to live more of an organic lifestyle of faith and started building friendships with people outside of the "church-culture" bubble, my music interests have been more in the genres of pop/rock/alternative - you know, the kind of music everyone else listens to. That may sound terrible to some but I found myself to be completely irrelevant and unrelatable to people who didn't identify as Christians when I was listening to solely "Christian music". What makes something "Christian music" anyway? I've experienced God move me incredibly through songs not thought of to be Christian. But I'm a Christian and I receive a song as a Christian so doesn't that make it Christian music to me? Anyway, I could rant right now, but i'll save it for later. Nevertheless, it was good to hear many of my favorite Switchfoot songs again, plus some new ones!

I will always love their song "This is your life". It touches me because I know what it's like to see my life go down hill. I saw God rebuild what I had torn down during my rock-bottom year of 2001 and the restorative years of 2002-2005. I've made reference to this season of my life in previous posts but i'm still not ready to blog about it yet. I found an awesome video that someone made with this song though. It doesn't tell my story (at all) but it does paint a moving picture of a man who's journey leads to God. Check it out here:



So I found myself flashing back to past memories, mistakes and regrets during the concert. But I did enjoy the concert! After the concert, we walked around the fairgrounds and listened to a couple of country music bands and even a heavy metal rock band. There were some interesting fair rides that I've never seen before either. Gosh, I don't remember amusement park attractions being so . . . . death-defyingly dangerous! Whew! No, we didn't try any. But these here Kentuckyans really know how to have a fair!

The next day, I had an early start thanks to good ole BeckyO. She lives in the states but it's like her internal clock is set to UK time. Our hotel room was right next to hers so since we didn't get to see each other when we arrived before the Fair & Concert, she decided to knock on our door at an ungodly hour I don't even remember right now (but i think the sun was still sleeping). We silently screamed and gave each other huge hugs like old girlfriends who hadn't seen each other in months (that's true actually). Last I saw Becky was when she was in SoCal several months ago. She is soooo moving to Long Beach. But anyway, we spent some time in her room (with her awesome Michigan friend/room mate who was also rooming with her in the hotel) then we eventually went downstairs for the groddy (that's worse that gross) breakfast waffles. Yeah, I went downstairs of the hotel with morning hair and morning breath wearing unflattering bedtime clothes just to hang out with Becky and to meet her friends and family. Only for Becky!

Afterwards, we had brunch then went to Ironman village to see Becky check in her bike. It was awesome to see so many triathletes. I noticed that they've all got something in common. Yes, they all have hot bods but that's not what I was going to say. They all have that sense of determination in their eyes. Focus. It was amazing. And yeah, the bods were too. Apparently the guy from the Bachelor was there. I don't watch the show so I wouldn't have recognized him. But I did get a couple photos of him though! You'll have to look at the Facebook album (link below) to see some. *grin*

But anyway, Becky couldn't hang out with us too much because she had to prep for the triathlon. I totally understood because that is a crazy yet incredible feat! She was going to swim for 2 miles, then bike for 112 miles, then run for 26.2 miles. C-R-A-Z-I-N-E-S-S!!!

So understandably, she couldn't join us for dinner as we met up with some other GCN'ers in the area. We met up at Wick's Pizza (which will be discussed in the "Pizza Wars" post. Actually, Michael will be my first Two World Collision guest co-blogger for that after our vacation. He'll write up his pizza reviews along with mine! So stayed tuned for that!). It was tons of fun meeting up with a couple other GCN'ers in this area. It's always good to share stories with people who have some kind of common thread. We're all on a similar journey so we should always try to connect so that we know that we're not alone in this walk of ours.

After dinner, we all went to Graeters for ice cream. Michael and I had never been there before - in fact, i don't think there are any of these in SoCal (that I know of). It was good stuff. We hung out for awhile and met up with a couple others. Then those of us who could stay later went to a magic show happening on Bellarmine University's campus. David is an awesome guy (and local GCN'er here) who is a student and also works there so he invited us to check it out. It was more like a comedy show because it was funny with a few kewl tricks. Plus, he was sooo gay! I could tell. That's not an insult just an observation that made the experience all the more fun and hilarious (because he was making comments to/about the girls as if he were straight). After the show, we went to a pretty kewl (and I suppose popular) music store called Ear X-tacy. That was fun. Then we decided to check out some more Louisville night life so we went to a dance club called "Connections". It was actually pretty fun! And it was definitely more lively than our experience at the club in St. Louis. Granted that was a weekday in St. Louis and this was a Saturday night in Louisville but still - it was alot of fun. Some of the bartendars in Louisville were noticeably friendlier than what i've seen before - both in SoCal and in St. Louis. Perhaps it was good ole Southern hospitality. We stayed out dancing and having a good time until close to 4am!

By the time we got back to the hotel, it was 4:10am. Yes, Becky was up and awake getting ready for her triathlon. So rather than going to sleep, Michael and I went with them to Ironman village to see Becky start her race. (Jason stayed behind and caught up on zzz's).

So Michael and I were functioning on zero sleep. Becky and all the other triathletes and all the family and friends were getting ready for the big race. Yeah, it was still dark. The race would last all day and these heros will have tested their bodies to their max. So I can't really complain for being tired. Besides, it was exciting! There were about 2100 triathletes and the whole operation was pretty impressive. By the time the race started, Michael and I secured front row seats.

You want to know how fast Becky is? Everyone was lined up ready to jump off the dock one by one. My camera followed Becky as she moved up the line, got to the front, and by the time I snapped the picture, she had already been in the water! So I got her before she jumped but I didn't get a shot of her mid-air jumping into the water. She's quick like that! Actually, swimming is her strongest event. While we were waiting for Becky, I fell asleep standing! I was on the edge of a step and I nodded off and I suddenly grabbed on to the guy next to me. No, he didn't know me. He was startled but since I was half asleep, I couldn't think of what to say so I just kinda mumbled something like, 'oh i'm sorry'. I should have said, 'oh pardon me. I just fell asleep. While standing.' Hehe. And it happened again too! We relocated to where Becky and everyone else would exit the water and while waiting for her, I nodded off several times. There was a different guy standing next to me and I lost count of the number of times that I fell over and bumped into him side ways. It was kinda embarassing but funny as I think back on it. LOL, after Becky came out of the water and I cheered and took my pictures, I announced, 'okay, i can go to sleep now!' He kinda chuckled.

Becky's next event would be the 112 mile bike ride followed by the 26.2 marathon so we knew we'd have some time. We returned to the hotel to sleep for three hours, then we checked out of our room. We eventually got lunch/dinner then found a spot along the road to watch the runners go by. It's funny because we all had a chant prepared and sang for her when Becky went by! It's so amazing to see them go! One guy took a short break next to where I was sitting so that he could change his socks. This was his first triathlon and I asked him what motivated him to do this and he replied, 'Well, it's a mountain.' That was so inspiring! LOL, but he also said that this would probably be his last triathlon.

The really fun part was being at the finish line area. There were crowds of people lined up on both sides as everyone cheered for everyone running, jogging, or walking by. We all clapped, yelled, screamed, cheered, and rang lil cowbells in congratulations as the triathletes crossed the finish line. I found it moving to be a part of someone else's victory. There we were cheering for someone we didn't even know and being genuinely happy for their accomplishment. It was awesome because there were people who were crying as they approached the finish line. Many were even holding hands with family members. These people put their bodies through hell and got to the finish line where hundreds of people were cheering them on. And we contributed to their experience. It's amazing! Can you imagine what a bummer it would be to have silence as you finished? As if it were unnoticed? That would suck! So I cheered the best I could.

Then when Becky came around just after 11:00 PM, I exploded! She had been doing this for literally the entire day and here she was finishing. She had her mom in one hand and her sister in the other hand and together they crossed the finish line. Wow! What a day!

By the time this was all done, it had been a long day and everyone was tired. We met back up with David who let us stay at his (huge) place on campus. Thanks Dave!!! He's got an enormous apartment dorm room all to himself so he let us crash there since we only had our hotel room for two days and we had to check out. He saved us a buck plus it was super fun to hang out with him again more! =)

I can say that Louisville, KY was fun. We may not have been able to see a whole lot of sites and do the whole tourist thing, but that's totally okay. We'll be doing tons of that on our road trip. Really, the whole trip was planned to support Becky and to see her race. It was a pleasure to see her finish! Plus it was extra fun being able to meet her family and friends. And finally, it was really good being able to meet David and Larry and Jason and Pablo - somewhat local GCN'ers in this area. Oh yeah, and the dancing was fun too!

If you'd like to see tons of other pictures of the Louisville leg of our road trip, check them out here in my facebook album!

Next stop - Indianapolis, Indiana (via Cincinnati, Ohio)!

Road Trip Destination: St. Louis, Missouri

It's so hard to say goodbye (to home) so we decided to yell it instead . . . . from St. Louis, Missouri!

We finished our first couple days of our lil' Road Trip Adventure through the MidWest and it's been fun so far! We arrived in St. Louis on Tuesday late eve on Aug. 21st and we stayed until Friday noon on Aug. 24th so that means we had all of Wednesday and Thursday to site see, relax and play.

As we make our way on this trip, we're sampling pizza along the way - so stay tuned for a future separate post on "Pizza Wars" - the quest for the best pizza in the Heartland of America. Ha, okay, so maybe it's a bit unofficial and won't make the Food Network but hey, i'll review and recommend some of our fav's that we've discovered.

Aside from the pizza, we also saw some fabulous sites, interesting people, took tons of pics (see link below) and oh yeah, I met a hot guy in the restroom . . . .

Ah St. Louis! The thing that I loved about this city were the neighborhoods. There were trees everywhere! Remember, I'm coming from Southern California where you have to drive out an hour and a half to see a tree larger than your house. In St. Louis, it was amazing to see how the trees branched over the streets. It was green. It was peaceful.

The homes had character too. Most seemed built out of brick and I was jealous of the fireplaces that many of them had. Although I hear that most people have to run their air conditioning 24/7 because it's otherwise crazy hot. I said in my last post that it was humid. I take that back. It was just warm and hot all the time.

Michael and I are good friends and we've taken a number of trips together. In St. Louis, we were hosted by a friend of ours, Ron, who showed us around town the best he could. (Thanks Ron!) He had just moved there from Seattle, WA a week ago because he's in a doctoral program at St. Louis University (SLU). He showed us around campus and I was pleased to see that it was a very well maintained campus with clean grounds, nice landscape, interesting statues, and hot students - oh my gosh the guys there are so cute. Sigh, and straight too, most likely. But still.

It was actually kinda fun to see undergrads moving into the dorms with the help of their parents. I've never lived on campus so the sight of seeing "move in day" with students and parents hauling boxes and furniture into the dorms from out of their vehicles and U-Haul trailers was something i've only seen on TV or the movies. I think it would have been fun to live in the dorms (had I been able to afford it at the time) so that I too could experience loud music from the neighbors across the hall at insane hours, having to share a room with a weird guy I had just met, eating expensive cafeteria food that isn't quite fine dining, and trying to navigate the social hierarchies of a system much bigger and more intimidating than high school.

Actually, it sounds bad, but I really would have loved to experience the dorms during the "college years". Right after high school, I went to a university but I still lived with my mom and so had to commute. I did join a co-ed social fraternity, worked on campus, and was involved in numerous clubs - but the dorm experience would have topped it all off! Oh but it was fun hanging out with a frat bro who did live in the dorms. (No, nothing happened. Probably could have. I was too deep in the closet to have had the courage.) That's okay though. My college journey was mine, even without being in the dorms. But I digress . . . .

Apparently SLU is a Catholic university. I didn't know that. We checked out St. Francis Xavier Catholic church (near the campus) which seemed nice enough. Michael thought it was actually a "School for Gifted Youngsters" but I told him I didn't think St. Francis was Professor X. Afterwards, we went and saw the Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis. Now that was an impressive structure. It was grand and regal and actually quite inspiring. As someone who's expression and lifestyle of faith is pretty organic, I enjoy seeing institutional structures. I'm just not impressed with having my faith governed by them. But artistically, I love them!

We made our way to Forest Park. Pretty big park. I guess it compares to Central Park in NY. We needed our GPS to navigate out!

There was this awesome statue of St. Louis riding a horse on top of a hill. I always feel so free when I see huge lawns and hills of grass. I walked through it barefoot too! Ah, to be on vacation!

The park also has several museums and touristy type stuff. We went to the planetarium which was kinda cool because I enjoy star gazing, except for the fact that I fell asleep during the cheesy cartoon super hero constellation show. One cool thing, though, at the planetarium was seeing a replica of Space Ship One. That's the aircraft that won the Ansari X-Prize - a competition to build a space-worthy craft. I wrote a paper about it in school.

We met up with a friend and fellow GCN'er, Bill, who lives in Missouri a few hours away from St. Louis. He took time off work to come out and so we all spent our vacations together! It was fun hanging out and getting to know him for a day and a half.

Bill is someone with an incredible heart and has been committed to praying for so many people, including myself, in the GCN global online community.

We also took some time to check out the Missouri Botanical Gardens which was quite nice. I enjoy going through gardens, not necessarily because of an interest in botany or plant species but because I find it relaxing and peaceful. We had a good time strolling through the huge garden landscape, taking our time chatting and telling stories.

We also met up with some other local GCN'ers for dinner at a restaurant called Blueberry Hill. We had a good time reconnecting with some that we hadn't seen for either a few weeks or several months at the last GCN conference. I also met one for the first time. It's always interesting to hear different people's stories and about how various "gay Christians" are serving the Lord in their community or in their lifestyles.

While here for dinner, I noticed a rather attractive guy from across the room and while in the restroom to wash my hands, he happened to be in there. We struck up a conversation (yes, right there in the restroom) and I discovered that this incredibly hot guy was also incredibly friendly! His name was Elliot and he suggested some good places to go to while visiting St. Louis. He told me about Central West End which has some good "night life". I found out afterwards that this was a very gay-friendly area. Boy, if I knew that, I may have asked him out for a drink when he told me about it! Sigh, missed opportunity! It's okay, i'll likely never see him again. But it was a fun conversation.

During our last evening in St. Louis, we wanted to go see what the gay night life was like so we went to a bar/club. Since it was a Thursday night, it was pretty dead. We didn't get there until after midnight and it was also cowboy night. We ended up going to another club called Complex and it was pretty dead too except for a few more people there. The dance floor was empty so Michael and I danced. Eventually, Michael sat down (it was a long day!) and so I just continued dancing on my own. Other people started dancing too and it was fun to just let loose, close my eyes, listen to the music, and just move.

Before the club, we went and saw the Arch. This was an impressive piece of architecture built to represent the gateway to the West as the U.S. expanded into new territory. In many ways, I've gone through a gateway of my own - chronicled on this blog. I have been thinking over the past several days that I am happy where I am at in life because of this journey that I'm on. Regardless of the drama that is happening at work, I don't feel led in my spirit or by His Spirit to leave just yet. I enjoy being able to do event planning and logistics. I also like the fact that I don't have to invest enormous energy staying in the closet or mentally managing who knows and who doesn't. I can just be me. I'm also content with my faith. It's in tact. I feel like i'm living it out while at the same time acknowledging my short comings and trying to be better. There are definitely things in my life that aren't completely done in faith but God's grace keeps me humble. I'm also content with my friends and the people God has put in my life. And I'm thankful for how God is using me in this world, my community, and in my sphere of influence. I'm happy about alot of things despite a few of life's road bumps. I hate to paint such a rosy picture because it's not all perfect. I guess, for today, that's just what i'm choosing to focus on at the moment. Gratitude.

In 2005, I began a journey of reconciling my faith and my sexuality. I stepped through that gateway Arch and the view from up there has been awesome!

If you'd like to see tons of other pictures of the St. Louis leg of our road trip, check them out here in my facebook album!

Next stop - Louisville, Kentucky!