Friday, July 29, 2005

Hope of Having Children

I woke up in the middle of the night (rather about 5 am this morning) and had a thought. If i choose to accept that having a monogamous homosexual relationship is not a sin, does that mean that I won't ever be able to have natural born children of my own?

I've always wanted kids. Before this whole journey - rather quest for truth and resolution - I had a certain hope. I had the hope of a family. I've always hoped that God would change my desires, send me a woman whom He prepared just for me - a wife, and that we would have children. I even had names for them. My oldest son would be Matthew Brian. My second son would be Nicholas Andrew. My daughter would be Melissa.

Am I giving up on this hope by pursuing this journey? If I embraced a relationship with a man, would i be happy with him without children? (Granted we could adopt but i'm talking about that hope I had of having my own children - to pass on my namesake). Can I really be happy with a man? Could I even be happy with a woman? Would it be fair to her? The last thing i would want is to follow in my father's footsteps and marry a woman, have children, then end up in divorce because I really wanted to be with a man the whole time. Is that fair to the children? It wasn't for me.


Alien said...

I saw your post in ABOUT forums.

Since u want to TALK about homosexuality in the bible, it is BEST to talk about Heaven and God first.

Picture this.......

it is the JUDGEMENT day

U are standing in front of God.

It is the only the two of u......not counting Jesus and Mother Mary.

Who else u see?

U don't see anyone else, not your friends, your family, strangers.


it is between God and u.

It is really about God and u, no one else.

The relationship is between God and U.

God is the judge of everyone's life.

no one else judges u in Heaven.

why can't it be like that on earth where no one judges u?

Mark said...

I can identify with this particular hope, your "desire of the heart". I'm not sure that you're going to necessarily have to lay this dream aside to have the kind of relationship you hope for. I think its healthy and good for you to "count the cost" of the potential implications of the decisions that you have to make but I'd also say that God can surprise you.

Eric said...

Thanks Mark,

I know there are other options and that I may not have to lay aside my hope for natural born kids. I also know God can surprise me. Maybe attached to this hope is that if it happened this way, He would have transformed me.

The other thing is that I'd love to be able to have kids with the person I 'love' - and that the kids are the physical combination of the two of us becoming one. This will never happen if the person I 'love' is a man. =(

Anonymous said...

Eric, I hope it's ok if I comment (I'm a straight, married mom of 2).

I understand about the hope of a family. I originally wanted 4 kids. I could see myself being their mom, and doing all the things that a mom of that many kids would do.

The first kink in my plans was having trouble getting pregnant. Then there were numerous health problems. After our second child, I knew I had to be done, and it broke my heart.

We've thought about adoption, but my continuing health problems make that seem more like a fantasy.

Avenues like adoption and surrogacy might be a way to a family for you. There's no guarantee that even if you were to change and have a wife that you'd be able to have biological children either, you know?

Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your feelings. I hope that you find answers and peace.

existentialist said...

I had a conversation with a gay man one month after knowing him wherein he told me the three reasons he could not marry me, being that he was committed to celibacy, quite gay, and had a solitary vocation. Do you have any of these reasons for not being able to marry? Well you have the second. What about the others, it sounds like you do not...but being quite gay does present an obstacle to marrying a woman.
Have you ever had a christian woman express an interest in entering into marriage with you?