Sunday, August 28, 2005

A Chat With My Dad

Is it weird that my dad encouraged me to get a boyfriend?

The other day, i was talking to him on the phone. If you need a little background, see a previous post i made a month ago here. Since he still hasn't told me that he's gay, I figured it might make it easier if we talked more often about me being gay and were comfortable about it. So i told him that i've been going to a "gay-friendly" church for the past two months and that i've really been enjoying it. He mentioned to me that he's been to two gay churches in Hawaii (that's where he lives). He visited one and now goes to the second one - an Episcopal church. (On a side note, I'm way excited that he's even going to church at all!).

Anyway, he casually asked if i'm going to get a boyfriend. I told him, "no not really, i just have friends right now". I could tell he was getting more comfortable about the subject because the next thing he said was "why not? you've graduated...your single...." in a joking way. It was kinda weird having this conversation with him - in a good way, that is. I like that we can talk about it comfortably because maybe he'll feel like he can outright tell me that he is gay (without the subtle hints like telling me that he goes to gay bars, he has gay friends, and that he goes to a gay church). On the other hand, it's kinda weird. I mean, this is my dad. This is the guy who was emotionally distant for most of my life and we hardly had the kind of father-son relationship where we actually talked about things beyond the surface 'how are you?', 'how's work?', 'how's school?' type of things.

I do want him to feel like he can tell me though. The more I'm open with him about myself, I notice that he gets that much more comfortable with me. There used to be such a wall between us. The past three years has been the best between us ever (because i told him about me which i think brought down some walls). Perhaps, i really want him to tell me about himself being gay is because maybe i'll get to know him in a way that he's never allowed any other family member. Maybe i'll get to know him, really, for the first time. Hmm...maybe i really don't know who my father is....

I was so bitter, angry, and resentful of him for so many years before all this. It must have been so lonely not to tell us (the family) about him being gay. No wonder he was emotionally distant. I'm understanding more and more now. The really kewl thing is that we are now ending our phone conversations with "i love you".

We'll see how things progress. He'll be in Southern California for a month in December so hopefully we'll get to talk about these kinds of things. Maybe i'll take him to church with me.


Anonymous said...

I hope things continue to go well with your dad :)

JJ said...

It's nice that you can be honest with your dad about who you are... I hope that soon he has the courage to be completely honest with you.