Sunday, August 14, 2005

Purpose and Passion

On my way to church this morning, I was asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I want him to make it clear to me. Even in my public ministry, things don't seem so clear to me as they used to. Perhaps it's because i'm a bit burnt out and am anxiously waiting for my two weeks time off in the beginning of September (I'm moving to a new apartment and will use the time to settle in then relax). What does He want from me? What does He want of me? It's funny how sometimes a church message can be so relevant and timely.

We had a special guest speaker at church today that had a message especially relevant to what i've been going through the past few weeks. The timing was interesting considering last night's blog post. I'm trying to figure out how this whole journey that i'm on effects my public ministry and what He wants me to do (but i'm also owning up on the fact that I don't necessarily want God to use me as a bridge builder between the mainstream church and the 'gay' christians because I know that I can expect hostility).

Below are some of the notes that I wrote from this morning's message:

*What is God calling me to do? God created me 'with' purpose and 'on' purpose.
*When I discover my purpose, passion is birthed.
*Gifts and abilities are given to enable me to fulfill the purpose that is fueled by passion.
*I discover the gifts when I am out fulfilling my purpose. They come when I need them. They won't come if i'm just waiting to go out until I receive them. The gifts get manifested as I'm on the journey.
*Faith keeps me on course towards my purpose.
*Since I am made in the image of my Creator, I am also meant to exercise creativity. It begins with thought, articulated in word, then executed in action. My mind needs to be silenced of the shame and guilt so that I can begin to think creatively - in ways that i've never thought before. Then my words are articulated to manifest the thoughts and ideas.
*Freedom is necessary to creativity. Creativity is stifled in the Church because of legalism, judgmentalism, and control.
*The success of my purpose is dependent on the ability to overcome failure and resist opposition. Sometimes pain blinds me from perceiving God's presence. God is more committed to the success of my purpose than I am. He is there in the midst of opposition.

I feel like God may be lining things up for me in my life and ministry. I'm afraid of what it might mean. I'm afraid of how it will effect my public ministry and my ministry partner. I'm afraid of what taking a position on 'this side' may mean.

Part of my spiritual gifts includes being able to see things before they are. My ministry partner and I are very much both visionaries. It can be exciting. I guess right now, the fear and doubt is in not being able to see what it is God's doing and knowing if it's the right direction. That's probably why i feel it's so important that i have clarity. I know i don't necessarily need clarity right now. Faith keeps me on course towards my purpose.

But what is my purpose in context to my journey? What is my purpose in context to my public ministry? Am I even on course? If purpose births passion, then maybe this is why I feel like my passion has been on hold for the past several weeks.

Here's one thing I have been able to discern. While I may have moments of wondering what i'm doing here among 'these gay people' (i know, i know, i'm one of them), I have not sensed any prompting from the Spirit in my spirit that I should not be there. I know this much .... i'm supposed to be on this journey.

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