An Anthem For The Outcasts

[Note: Scroll down to hear "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance and to read the lyrics.]

I used to think that participation in church culture was so vital to my spiritual growth. Instead, I realized that, eventually, it hindered it. As I dodge some of the stones that have already been propelled in my direction, let me also say that my use of 'church culture' refers to the religious routines and structures that attempt to govern what my worship, connection and interaction with God should look like.

I know I see the world so much differently now. Not just the world, but I see life and Church and purpose and connection so much more differently as compared to just a few years ago. It's not that I've left the foundation for my faith - something I imagine my critics and old friends would accuse me of. Rather, I think that the foundation of my faith, which is set in Christ, has enabled me to grow forward to experience His Deity in my life more profoundly.

In so many ways I feel like the Church's outcast. I'm one of them. I'm gay. I'm one of those organic faith people. I'm one of those feeling-driven Christians who has less faith because I don't "go to church" (or even "the same church") every Sunday. My discipleship of Jesus is dirty. It's ugly. It's messy. It's not perfect. I fall short so much and in so many ways. Church culture would either condemn me for this or pretend I wasn't there (or even pretend I didn't struggle). Its version of discipleship painted a picture of righteous acts - reading the Bible, maintaining quiet times of prayer, attending church services, participating in weekly 'small group', listening solely to Christian music, avoiding alcohol and holding my tongue from profanity.

But to me, church culture is a petrie dish. I looked up and saw Jesus exiting the fish bowl and I followed Him out to where real people were. He was with people who were dirty and ugly and messy and imperfect and I realized that I had more in common with them than I did with my evangelical brethren . . . .

I know it sounds utterly bitter - perhaps incredibly blasphemous. I don't regret being a part of church culture for 13 years because when I remove the shell casing of it, I acknowledge that my foundation for my faith was forming. I was learning how to listen and talk to Jesus. I was learning how to study His Word. I was practicing how to follow His Way and to make decisions that pleased my Lord. Underneath the church culture, I was learning Kingdom values and it is a part of me.

Now, I'm simply trying to live it out in the real world. I don't miss the parts of church culture that tries to manufacture relationships and squeaky clean boast-worthy discipleship. I can function without that culture because I still value the Word of God, corporate and personal worship, generosity, service, community, prayer, fellowship, and the pursuit of holiness. All I want to do is explore how I can integrate Kingdom values into my lifestyle - even if, especially if - it gets dirty and ugly and messy.

The journey I'm on still leads to God. I am still seeing Jesus out here. I'd love for the Church to leave the confines of its walls and join me out here. Over the past week, I've had more meaningful conversations and spiritually edifying discussions with friends at gay bars, coffee shops, parks, at work and on the phone than I have had in two months of attending 90 minute Sunday services.

I am still a part of the Church and I am being the Church with fellow disciples both in and out of the Sunday service. We ought to raise the bar for discipleship and lower the bar that governs what Church is supposed to look like.

So where does that leave me now? I try to live an organic lifestyle of faith, discipleship and worship. I can function as a disciple both in and out of church culture because I am part of the Church - I don't simply go to it. My early training in church culture helped me along. In latter years, my detoxing from church culture allowed me to seek Christ more fully. And now that i'm no longer co-dependent on church culture, I don't have to detox from it any longer either. I can be a disciple any where - even in the structures of Christendom. As I trudge along on my own journey, I can accept that my discipleship isn't perfect. It's not that my goal is to be imperfect. Rather, I understand that I begin the journey imperfect but I have a direction of which I walk towards God. And so He shapes me.

I'm okay with that.

Music has been carrying me through this journey lately. Certain songs in particular, many of which I've shared with you here, have affected me because they speak of life and death and pain and joy and triumph and heartache and regret - emotions I understand.

Music is a subjective art. Anyone can hear the melodies and read the lyrics and interpret them in their own way based on what it brings up for them. I don't know what My Chemical Romance intended when they wrote "The Black Parade" but after recently discovering them (and the song) on the radio, I've dubbed it another one of my new favorite songs and I have my own interpretation of it. I realize that my interpretation may not look anything like the band's actual video of the song, but then again, I can own the song because of what I see when I hear it.

For me, the Black Parade is the gathering of outcasts and underdogs who refuse to get caught up in the craziness of the world that hates them. We are the non-conformists. Both the church culture and the gay culture leaves a wreckage and the casualties mount too high. We don't fit in either of their parades. For those of us who are disciples, we claim independence from the parts of church culture that tries to define the quality of our spirituality and judges us without knowing our hearts. For those of us who are gay, we claim independence from the parts of gay culture that tries to define us by our sexuality and illustrates an example of promiscuity. We proclaim the freedom to choose a different picture of our future and our lifestyles - and this is the journey of our parade. I see myself in this parade - taught by my Father to value the outcasts and to encourage others to do the same. Those values are tested in the world and the challenge is made to overcome personal demons and dream stealers - those who break, beat, and damn us. The legacy left behind after us is the Black Parade that travels the "narrow road" and continues on.

Hear the song for yourself below, read the lyrics underneath it, and see how you relate to "The Black Parade":



"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.

He said "Son when
you grow up
would you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

He said "Will you
defeat them,
your demons
and all the non-believers,
the plans that they have made?

Because one day
I'll leave you
a phantom
to lead you in the summer,
to join the black parade."

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.
He said "Son when
you grow up
will you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling
she's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.

When through it all,
the rise and fall,
the bodies' in the streets,
and when you're gone we want you all to know.

We'll Carry on,
We'll Carry on,
and though you say you don't believe me
Your memory will carry on,
we'll carry on,
until my heart I can't contain it,
the anthem wont explain it.

A world that sends you reeling
from decimated dreams.
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back,
lets shout it loud and clear.
Defiant to the end we hear the call

to carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
we'll carry on
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches...

...on and on we carry through the fears.
ooh oh ohhhh

Disappointed faces of your peers.
ooh oh ohhhh

take a look at me,
'cause I could not care at all---

Do or die,
you'll never make me.
Because the world,
will never take my heart.
You can try,
you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Won't explain, or say I'm sorry.
Im not ashamed, I'm gonna show my scar.
You're the chair, for all the broken.
Lose it here, because it's only.

I'm just a man, I'm not a hero.
Just a boy, i wanna sing this song.
Just a man, I'm not a hero.
I! - don't! - care!.

We'll carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches on!---

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world, will never take my heart.
And though you try, you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Do or die you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart.
You can try, you'll never break me.
You want it all you wanna play this part.

Free Hugs

[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics for "All the Same" by Sick Puppies and the YouTube video for the Free Hugs Campaign.]

Compared to last week, this week was alot better. Definitely! However, Friday went pretty badly and I ended up leaving work early (about 1pm) out of protest. Long story. Either way, I could sure use a hug right about now. How about you?

Click here to read about the Free Hugs Campaign.



This awesome song is called "All the Same" by Sick Puppies. I found that I connected deeply with the lyrics of this song and it brought up alot of the emotions and memories that I mentioned before about Riverside. There were so many times back then when I felt so alone and I felt like I was abandoned by my friends.

A hug is the simplest form of physically expressing love, intimacy, and compassion. At times, that's all I ever wanted back then. Still do.

Here are the lyrics of the song . . . .

"All The Same" by Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

What's Your Story?

You've read about me. How about you?

Today is National Coming Out Day! If you are not out of the closet yet, how about opening the door of it a bit.

What's your story? You can say your name or just remain anonymous but post a comment and tell me a little about your story. What keeps you coming to Two World Collision? What's it like for you to be in the closet? What's it like for you to wonder if you are gay or not? Are your worlds in collision or have you found cohesion? Do you have a blog? Give us a link so that we can check it out! Are you straight and have gay friends? What's it like with your other straight friends?

Take a risk - a small step towards allowing yourself to be known. Tell me about you!

Keeping the Closet Door Open

I feel like the more un-anonymous I become on this blog, the less authentic I feel free to be. When I know that certain people are reading, i'll find myself hesitating from writing about certain things. This is tough for me because I lose my outlet for processing my thoughts. It was so freeing at the start of Two World Collision when I was completely anonymous and I could pretty much write about whatever I wanted or about whatever I was feeling. Yet, at the same time, it was so freeing when I reached a point in my blog life when I was ready to "come out". I felt known.

When I self-edit myself on this blog, I can see myself following that pattern in my life of strategically presenting only the good parts of me to the world while keeping the rest of me in a closet - maybe not the gay closet, but my own closet . . . .

I don't want to do that. I don't want to continue living my life being inauthentic for the sake of potentially manipulating public opinion about me. I do want to be known. I want you to know who I am. And I do want to be a good witness of what Jesus is doing in my life. But my witness isn't that I'm "good", but my witness is that He is "good" and that He is "good" to me despite me. Two World Collision isn't about my journey of finding cohesion in what were two colliding worlds - colliding paradigms. It's about my ongoing journey of discovering who I am and revealing who I am. It's about finding the cohesion between the public Eric and the closet Eric.

Love me, hate me, know me for all of me. I'm not going to be the champion gay Christian. I'm not going to be perfect. I simply have a direction and I still have so much to figure out about all of this.

I shall continue taking the risk of being real here - even if it makes me look horrible and terrible and ugly and even imperfect. So here it is: I feel like I've made poor decisions over the past week and a half. I've been sad and tired. I've been impatient and on edge at work. I'm not happy with me right now.

I'm in a better place today, but all of last week I was doing all I could to hang in there.

I made a string of poor decisions last week. I subscribed to a 3 day trial membership at a porn site. I had a meaningless "hook up" with a guy. I've been eating fast food again.

Sometimes, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. One poor decision leads to another, then another, then another and the panic of being in the quicksand gives me cause to make the next poor decision. Each poor decision is a way to cope with feeling crappy about the previous poor decision. And I just hate myself more each time.

Damn it.

I know i've got a problem when the shaming behavior begins. I know i'm in this mode when I start hiding. It's when I close the door and turn down the computer's speakers so that my room mate can't hear what I'm watching on the Internet. It's when I wait to be home alone to call and arrange a hook up. It's when I quickly eat the (huge) burrito and (super) nachos and (large) fries and milk shake before my room mate gets home so that he doesn't see how much of a pig I'm being and then it's when I take out the trash (and evidence) down to the dumpster so that he doesn't see in our kitchen trash can what I had been eating. Or it's when I do use the kitchen trash can but I bury the fast food bag and wrappers down at the bottom and cover it with other trash and napkins.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' " (Genesis 3: 7-10)

It's not that i'm hard on myself. Well, maybe I am. But I'm also acknowledging the truth of what I know is wrong. I was in a group discussion last week about how some Christians (gay or straight) will rationalize some sin to be acceptable because it's "better" than doing something "worse". Is it okay to masturbate while looking at porn because it's "better" than actually having sex with someone? Is it okay to have oral sex because it's "better" than going "all the way"? Is it acceptable to gawk and stare at the hotties walking down the street because simply looking is "better" than touching and embracing? Is it okay to take the "lesser of two evils"?

I don't think so.

If both options are wrong, then it's still wrong. It's time to look for the third option. But look, i'm not legalistic about all of this. Yes, we have to call sin what it is but I realize there's the practical side of living life with temptations. I don't think that Jesus is waiting to bash me over the head because of the sin of the moment. I think that Jesus is more concerned about what's going on in my heart that led me to sin in the first place. It doesn't mean that He excuses what I've done. It just means that He's walking with me through what I've done.

If I am looking at porn, I think that Jesus is more concerned about my need for genuine physical intimacy and that I am expressing this need in broken ways through a love-substitute - lust. Yes, I do believe that God desires my obedience but I don't think His approach to correcting me is pointing His finger and saying, "Look at what you did! That was wrong!" Rather, I think Jesus' approach to addressing my sin is revealing to me my real need and providing grace for that. By meeting and healing the genuine need, my own attempt at meeting that need in an unhealthy way discontinues (or at the very least, subsides).

So yeah, what i've been doing is wrong. I've made poor decisions. And Jesus is walking with me through them.

I'm lonely. Some friends tell me that I'm a catch. I say this humbly but I don't disagree. My self-esteem isn't completely shot. It's just that my self-confidence takes a hit every time I see couples together enjoying the privilege of each other's touch. I want that. I want to be touched and I want him to want to touch me. It's so hard being 30 years old and not even having my first defined relationship. How much of a catch can I be?

So that's when I start believing the distorted thoughts that go through my mind - i'm ugly, i'm undesirable. I feel empty so I try to fill that feeling with food. Feeling full is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. I feel numb so I try to fill that feeling with masturbation. Feeling pleasure, even temporarily, is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. The porn and the fantasy and the food are simply tools that facilitate the feeling.

This is me just trying to understand what's going on inside. I'm not excusing my sin (and neither should you excuse my sin). But perhaps naming the need will help me to recognize "better" and healthier ways of meeting that need.

I unpacked all of this with my buddy the other day. We both have been having some very rough times in our personal lives the past several months. And we've been able to be the friend we each need. After last week, I hesitated from telling him about what I had been doing because I was afraid of what he'd think of me. That's silly because we both have confided in each other and the trust has been earned on both ends. But being vulnerable is always difficult.

In the past, I always felt like people left me when they knew too much of me. I think it's a wound that I've kept around ever since my elementary years when my parents divorced. It's like they knew that I was "gay" and so they divorced me. When I confided in friends, they never stuck around and so I felt like they divorced me. So it's easier to just not let people know me. The wall goes up and i'm selective as to how much of me my family and friends get to discover about me. They see a portion of me (the good parts) while the rest of me hides in my closet.

So the thing that me and my buddy are learning to do is keeping the closet door open (even if one of us are still inside). We may still need the safety of the closet. But with the door open, one can see in and know what's in there, and one can see out that the buddy hasn't run away. We're getting comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. We find a place where there is no judgment - and a friend who doesn't go any where when things get ugly.

Where does this all leave me now? I'm a little more aware of what I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling the way I do. It's super helpful to bounce thoughts and emotions off my buddy to help me process them. Last week, I just felt completely out of control - like everything was just happening to me and I couldn't stop messing up and the rushing waves were crashing over me and I was drowning. Whoa, actually I was feeling like Augustana's "Boston" video that I posted right before last week started. Hmm . . . interesting.

Anyway, where was I?

At the end of the day, I want to be real. I'm tired of just showing the world the flattering parts of who I am. There's more to me than the over achieving "good Christian". There's more to me than the gay guy who finally came out of the closet. There's also the part of me that needs that closet. For now, I'll just keep the door open and grow from there.