New TWC Collaborative Community

Three years and four months ago I started Two World Collision to chronicle my journey of reconciling my faith and sexuality. At first I was anonymous and was able to process my raw thoughts about questions and answers, sex and relationships, love and lust, sin and biblical interpretation, the spectrum of perspectives, my paradigm of Church, community and vision.

Along the way my journey towards Christ evolved from seeking clarity to seeking authenticity. In walking with Jesus, I found the peace of God's love and was able to find a cohesion of my two worlds - exploring what it looks like to live a vibrant faith and a healthy sexuality. I say that not in the context that I have achieved those two things, but rather that my direction is shaped by my desire for both those two things.

I still have a lot to learn.

I've had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of ways besides this blog. I've written my story in narrative form. I've told my story through audio podcast interviews. I've shared my story in newspaper publications and magazines. I've given my story on Youtube video. I've contributed my story on other web sites. I've even shared my story at public events (which I'm hoping to do more!). I'm currently working on sharing my story in a series of three books (stay tuned and pray for me in that please).

But along the way of sharing my story more and more openly and authentically, I've encountered so many friends on this same path with Christ. We've discovered that we are not alone.

For some time now, I've wanted to make a shift here at Two World Collision from me telling my story to you telling your story. I've been humbled to have received emails from around the world these past three years from people who have read my blog, cried, related, and reached out to me. It's been amazing to see what God has done through this. I've also encountered fellow bloggers who are also sharing their story. We all have a story. We all can find some parts of someone else's story that we can relate with. I think it's important for people out there to realize that there are people like you and I who have reconciled our faith and sexuality or that there are others on a similar journey. There are too many of us that feel alone.

So I decided to establish a space for us to build a sense of community with fellow sojourners. Alas, I am proud to announce the evolution of the Two World Collision blog to the Two World Collision Collaborative Community. It's a web site where we all help shape. Each of us contributes content to it - our stories, our blogs, our videos, our artwork, our research, our reviews and anything else we have found helpful for our own journeys so that we can pass it along to help someone else's journey. It's also a place where we can talk through discussion boards, connect with others through their profiles, and share photos.

Don't worry, I'll still have this blog to process my own thoughts and share vision.

So go ahead! Get on over to "our" space at http://twoworldcollision.wetpaint.com!

And be sure to use the "Invite" to tell your friends to join us too!

My Ex-Gay Survivor Story

My name is Eric Leocadio. I am an Ex-Gay Survivor.

To say that I wanted to be straight is an understatement. I knew that I was gay since I was 9 years old. Even at that early age, I knew how socially unacceptable it was for me to like other boys my age. It was never anything I had to figure out. I simply knew that I was gay and no one could know.

By the time I reached my freshman year in high school, I tried to kill myself. I was a teenager and the message that I received for so many years by my friends, my family, my classmates and myself, was that I was not acceptable because I was gay. I looked in the mirror and I hated that guy. So I wanted to die . . . .

I was tired of feeling rejected. I was tired of feeling different. I was tired of feeling like no one really knew who I was because there was a part of me that had to stay a secret. The closet is a lonely place.

I was 14 years old when I cupped both my hands together, filled them with pills (asprin, Tylenol, and such), swallowed every one, and washed them down with water. Then I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up in complete regret as I began the process of having my body involuntarily spew out the contents of my stomach. I vomited for several minutes, divinely timed, from 7:00 PM through 5:00 AM every hour on the hour on the dot. These were grueling sessions with what I refer to as my “porcelain punisher”. I experienced 10 hours of bile-filled hell. After living through this, I wanted to die!

I didn’t tell anyone at home what I had done. No one would have taken me to the hospital. So God, before I knew Him, pumped my stomach for me. I realized, then, that He wasn’t done with me yet.

I survived, in pain, my own suicide.

I eventually became a Christian when I was 16 years old. I grew in faith and in my knowledge of God and I embraced a Church family and Church culture that I desperately wanted to be a part of – to be accepted by. This was a culture that valued heterosexuality as prime and superior. To come out as anything but straight would have been social suicide. And I was a part of this culture. For over 12 years, I believed, taught, and advocated that it was a sin to be gay. My only outlets of expressing my sexuality were limited to those things done in secrecy. This further fractured my sense of self as I maintained a dualistic life – one lived in public light and the other lived in private darkness.

I had pleaded with God to change me. I had pleaded with God to forgive me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve made some mistakes. I have done things that I regret. But you cannot develop a healthy sexuality in the secret places. I explored my sexuality in unhealthy ways, without the input of my spiritual community because talking about it would have meant revealing the secret that I was gay. And the Church isn’t so good at talking about its own taboo secrets.

I decided that I needed help so I participated in ex-gay programs of Desert Stream Ministries. For roughly two years from 2002-2004, I was a part of their informal support groups called Cross Current. In 2004, I completed their six month program called Living Waters designed to assist people with their “sexual and relational brokenness”. At the time, I believed along with them that homosexuality was a form of brokenness. I thought that I was broken. They told me that embracing a heterosexual value system was needed in order for my restoration and wholeness.

After spending several hundred dollars and countless hours in the ex-gay program, I graduated still believing that being gay was a sin and that being straight was the ideal. Unlike so many others who have survived traumatic experiences from programs like these, I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t exit the program terrorized. Perhaps, it was because I bought into their notion that I may have to live with being gay for the rest of my life but that there were tools that I could implement to suppress my homosexuality so that I could outwardly present myself as straight – as ex-gay.

Over the years, I used to participate and sometimes lead prayer groups against the gay community. But while praying these things to God, at the same time He spoke back to me over a period of months asking me two things: Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?

God led me to realize that I really didn’t know gay people because out of my own shame I avoided them. He also challenged my hypocrisy. I realized that I couldn’t own my beliefs that it was wrong to be gay. I believed such things because that’s the only thing I was taught. So in 2005, I began my own personal journey of allowing my two dualistic worlds to collide, to enter what I call the “hot zone” – that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject.

I invested countless hours in prayer – but this time it wasn’t for God to make me straight but rather it was for God to show me His heart for gay people. I spent time in the Scriptures and studied, for myself, the passages that referenced homosexuality and also looked at the Bible as a whole and in context with this newer lens. I began to meet gay people absent of any conversion agenda. I wasn’t going to convert anyone to be either straight or Christian. My intention was simply to get to know people and to build genuine relationship. What I found changed my paradigm.

I discovered that God was present in the gay community. I previously assumed in error that it was full of darkness but I discovered that God was among them. I met friendly gay people who loved God and/or wanted to learn more about Him. I met gay Christians with a genuine faith. I met gay people who were actually having spiritual conversations in coffee shops, bookstores, clubs, bars, and in restaurants. I met gay people who affirmed a lifestyle of commitment and monogamy and faith.

Being a witness to these things opened a can of worms for me. I saw God among the very people that the Church interpreted to be unclean. Great! Now what? What does this mean for all of my previously held faulty assumptions about gay people and their place in the Church? I was wrong. I had to change my paradigm based on what God was revealing to me. I realize how hard this is for people (like me) who had been so confident about such assumptions about gay people. It requires humility. The truth is that since God is present and working and moving and touching, there is light within the gay community and I discovered that it was indeed possible to live a lifestyle of genuine faith in God within the context of being a gay person. So I reconciled my faith and my sexuality.

I acknowledged that I am a gay Christian.

I chronicled my journey on this blog at Two World Collision. It served as an outlet for me to process my raw thoughts. I received incredible feedback, including countless emails from people around the world who were relating with what I was journaling. As I shared my story and as we discovered each other, suddenly, we weren’t alone anymore. There was someone else somewhere out there that understood. Over the past two years, I’ve received a global readership with over 61,000 hits to the blog. There’s been a kind of community that has developed, as I’ve been increasingly willing to be vulnerable with my story.

I have since realized that ex-gay programs and the mainstream Church presents a mixed message to people like me. They tell us that God loves us unconditionally but that the Church will conditionally accept us as long as we conformed to their interpretation of “wholeness”. It is this mixed message that leaves people with a difficult choice: to renounce their sexuality or to renounce their faith.

These are the casualties of ex-gay programs.

The truth is that we are a part of God’s Church. Regardless of whether or not the Church would accept us as part of itself, God has accepted us through our faith in Christ.

It’s okay to come back.

As an ex-gay survivor, I know what it’s like to be in a spiritual climate hostile to my sexuality. I survived suicide. I survived my own attempts to manipulate my identity. Now I’ve found peace and healing through authenticity.

I may not be perfect but I am whole.

I’ve made difficult decisions in my life. I’ve done things that I regret. However, my character is not defined by the mistakes I’ve made but instead by the lessons I’ve learned.

There is a difference between being gay and expressing one’s sexuality in unhealthy ways. Both gay and straight people are fully capable of making poor decisions. The issue is not about whom we should love but rather it is about how we should love.

As a community of people who value God, faith, and each other, whether gay or straight, let’s explore what it looks like to love better.

Watch my YouTube video story on my time with the Ex-Gay Program here.

I'm Sorry I Hurt You So Much

So my friends Peterson and Christine have been working like crazy over the past year (or more?) on putting together beyondexgay.com and planning the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference that is happening this weekend.

Today, there was a Press Conference at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Los Angeles, CA and I had the honor of being invited to be a part of it.

As reported by BeyondExGay.Com, "Three former ex-gay leaders issued public apologies for the roles they played in ex-gay ministries affiliated with Exodus International. They also shared portions of their personal stories. The event was covered by members of local and national news media including CNN and Azteca America."

I was honored to be among the ex-gay survivors who went up to receive and accept the apology letter. I was quite moved by the experience . . . .

After the Press Conference, we were all available for interviews. I was interviewed by the Advocate. I talked about my own experiences going through an ex-gay program. One of the things I shared with her (as well as with the reporter from the OC Weekly yesterday) was that I realized the mixed message that these ex-gay programs (and the Church) were giving me. The mixed message was that of God's unconditional love and the Church's conditional acceptance that was dependent on conforming to their interpretation or version of "wholeness".

God loves you. But we will ONLY IF you embrace heterosexuality. Even if you don't actually become straight, we want you to look straight (to us).

That's the kind of thing that fractures our identities. I mean, goodness, I attempted suicide before the ex-gay program because I hated being what I was. How much more damaging can it be after an ex-gay program affirms that self-hatred?

Oh but don't worry, at least God loves you.

They tell us when we enter the ex-gay program that we're broken because we're gay. I realized that instead, they were the ones who broke me further when they encouraged me to manipulate my personal and sexual identity.

Be straight. Or at least let me think you're straight.

Sorry! I can tell i'm getting bitter about all this! But that's why this Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is so important! People need to know how these programs can cause such trauma.

My journey now is about exploring authenticity. Discovering the real me. Loving and accepting the real me. Presenting the real me.

The experience at the press conference and accepting this apology from these ex-ex-gay leaders was surreal. I found that many emotions resurfaced from when I was desperate enough to try to be straight. I found myself close to crying when I shook hands and hugged them! If I can find the time to sit down and process things, i'll try to write up a blog to revisit some of those emotions.

In the mean time, please keep praying for me, the conference, and especially for Peterson and Christine as God continues to position them as a voice for "ex-gay survivors" like me.

Here's the text of the formal apology, as reported by Peterson:

Statement of Apology from Former Exodus Leaders
Issued by Darlene Bogle, Michael Bussee, and Jeremy Marks
June 27, 2007

As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong withvbeing gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations.

We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology.

We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long-term effects of their ministry.

Accepting The Whole of Me

[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics as you listen to Jadon Lavik's "What If" on YouTube.]

I was *this* close to coming out to my gym trainer tonight.

We were in the elevator after completing my workout and he asked if I had big plans for Valentine's Day. Sigh. It would have been a perfect opportunity to talk about the "guy" that i'm interested in. But I chickened out. My trainer and I have gotten to know each other quite a bit. In 2005, I was with him for a six month stretch (helped me lose 32 pounds), then for another two months that year. Even through 2006, we'd chat every now and again. Now i've secured his help once again for another six months. And I still haven't come out to him.

Do I need to tell him? Does he need to know? Hmm. Well, the thing is - we've been getting to know each other. Why shouldn't I want him to know me authentically . . . .

Over the past several weeks, i've been many things. I've been a groomsman. I've been a brother. I've been a son. I've been an uncle. I've been a friend. I've been an ass. I've been a jokester. I've been a slob. I've been a snob. I've been a stereotype. I've been a romantic. I've been a loner. I've been a photographer. I've been a speech writer. I've been a host. I've been a hiker. I've been a client. I've been a blimp. I've been a guest. I've been a room mate. I've been a stranger. I've been a savior. I've been a punk. I've been a fool. I've been a student. I've been a teacher. I've been an example. I've been a consultant. I've been a counselor. I've been a closet-case. I've been a basket-case. I've been a leader. I've been a disciple. I've been a seat-warmer.

Of the many things that i've been over the past several weeks, I've been learning to accept that who ever I am at any given moment and in any given context, it's okay. . . . It's simply okay. I can own it unapologetically because the truth is that I am not any one of those things. I am all of those things. And so even though I may fall short in some respects or I may disappoint someone or I may fail to meet another's expectations or standards - I am learning to live out the simple idea that God loves the whole of me. Further, He accepts the whole of me. And if I believe that - or at the very least, if I say I believe that - then I also have to accept the whole of me. If I can accept me, then perhaps I can begin to present myself to the world authentically.

"Coming out" isn't about telling my gym trainer that I'm gay. For me, coming out is more about living an authentic life. It starts with me being okay with me - along with all my strengths, short comings and insecurities. Then it is genuinely expressed in my interaction with others. The key, I think, is that it doesn't matter if those others are "okay with me". Their acceptance of me doesn't govern whether or not i'm okay with me. But at least they know me and we can move forward from there.

The scariest part of trying to be authentic is the vulnerability of transparency. I am still afraid of what certain people would think of me if they knew the "real" me. But it's not just being afraid of what they think. I'm also afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid of what I could lose. And yet, imagine what I could gain!

At the end of the day, i'm still very much a work in progress. And that's okay. I'll come out to my gym trainer when i'm ready. Maybe you'll come out to certain others when you're ready. I don't think everyone necessarily needs to know. Unless, that is, if I want them to know. Perhaps, learning to accept myself as I am will help me to accept you as you are and we will accept each other as we are.

On my journey, I don't simply want to know myself. I want to accept myself. I've got a ton of insecurities just looking in the mirror. I can't afford to be paralyzed by them. I've been silent too long. I've been timid too long. I just want to move forward so that I can live my life, love my God, cherish my family, comfort my beloved, appreciate my friends and honor my heroes.

I wanted to share with you this super awesome incredible song that my good friend Josh shared with me. It's one of my new favorite songs! (Hehe, so of course every time I get a new favorite song, I've gotta share it with you, right?! - See my YouTube video index in the right column!) I think the song is "absolutemente fabuloso"! (Josh has been teaching me tidbits of spanish.) The YouTube video is just pictures so read through the lyrics below it as you listen to the song:



"What If" by Jadon Lavik
From the album Moving On Faith

What if I climbed that mountain
What if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

What if I were everyone’s first choice
What if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh

What if I ignored the hand that fed me
What if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less?
Lord would You love me less

What if I were everyone’s last choice
What if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before
then would you love me less Lord would you
would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
You do, You do, You do

What have I done to deserve Your son sent to die for me?
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold on to

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
I’m in awe of You,
I’m in awe of You.

The way You love me, the way You do
The way You do, the way You love me, You love me, You love me
The way You do, the way You do, the way You love me
The way You love, You love, You love

An Anthem For The Outcasts

[Note: Scroll down to hear "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance and to read the lyrics.]

I used to think that participation in church culture was so vital to my spiritual growth. Instead, I realized that, eventually, it hindered it. As I dodge some of the stones that have already been propelled in my direction, let me also say that my use of 'church culture' refers to the religious routines and structures that attempt to govern what my worship, connection and interaction with God should look like.

I know I see the world so much differently now. Not just the world, but I see life and Church and purpose and connection so much more differently as compared to just a few years ago. It's not that I've left the foundation for my faith - something I imagine my critics and old friends would accuse me of. Rather, I think that the foundation of my faith, which is set in Christ, has enabled me to grow forward to experience His Deity in my life more profoundly.

In so many ways I feel like the Church's outcast. I'm one of them. I'm gay. I'm one of those organic faith people. I'm one of those feeling-driven Christians who has less faith because I don't "go to church" (or even "the same church") every Sunday. My discipleship of Jesus is dirty. It's ugly. It's messy. It's not perfect. I fall short so much and in so many ways. Church culture would either condemn me for this or pretend I wasn't there (or even pretend I didn't struggle). Its version of discipleship painted a picture of righteous acts - reading the Bible, maintaining quiet times of prayer, attending church services, participating in weekly 'small group', listening solely to Christian music, avoiding alcohol and holding my tongue from profanity.

But to me, church culture is a petrie dish. I looked up and saw Jesus exiting the fish bowl and I followed Him out to where real people were. He was with people who were dirty and ugly and messy and imperfect and I realized that I had more in common with them than I did with my evangelical brethren . . . .

I know it sounds utterly bitter - perhaps incredibly blasphemous. I don't regret being a part of church culture for 13 years because when I remove the shell casing of it, I acknowledge that my foundation for my faith was forming. I was learning how to listen and talk to Jesus. I was learning how to study His Word. I was practicing how to follow His Way and to make decisions that pleased my Lord. Underneath the church culture, I was learning Kingdom values and it is a part of me.

Now, I'm simply trying to live it out in the real world. I don't miss the parts of church culture that tries to manufacture relationships and squeaky clean boast-worthy discipleship. I can function without that culture because I still value the Word of God, corporate and personal worship, generosity, service, community, prayer, fellowship, and the pursuit of holiness. All I want to do is explore how I can integrate Kingdom values into my lifestyle - even if, especially if - it gets dirty and ugly and messy.

The journey I'm on still leads to God. I am still seeing Jesus out here. I'd love for the Church to leave the confines of its walls and join me out here. Over the past week, I've had more meaningful conversations and spiritually edifying discussions with friends at gay bars, coffee shops, parks, at work and on the phone than I have had in two months of attending 90 minute Sunday services.

I am still a part of the Church and I am being the Church with fellow disciples both in and out of the Sunday service. We ought to raise the bar for discipleship and lower the bar that governs what Church is supposed to look like.

So where does that leave me now? I try to live an organic lifestyle of faith, discipleship and worship. I can function as a disciple both in and out of church culture because I am part of the Church - I don't simply go to it. My early training in church culture helped me along. In latter years, my detoxing from church culture allowed me to seek Christ more fully. And now that i'm no longer co-dependent on church culture, I don't have to detox from it any longer either. I can be a disciple any where - even in the structures of Christendom. As I trudge along on my own journey, I can accept that my discipleship isn't perfect. It's not that my goal is to be imperfect. Rather, I understand that I begin the journey imperfect but I have a direction of which I walk towards God. And so He shapes me.

I'm okay with that.

Music has been carrying me through this journey lately. Certain songs in particular, many of which I've shared with you here, have affected me because they speak of life and death and pain and joy and triumph and heartache and regret - emotions I understand.

Music is a subjective art. Anyone can hear the melodies and read the lyrics and interpret them in their own way based on what it brings up for them. I don't know what My Chemical Romance intended when they wrote "The Black Parade" but after recently discovering them (and the song) on the radio, I've dubbed it another one of my new favorite songs and I have my own interpretation of it. I realize that my interpretation may not look anything like the band's actual video of the song, but then again, I can own the song because of what I see when I hear it.

For me, the Black Parade is the gathering of outcasts and underdogs who refuse to get caught up in the craziness of the world that hates them. We are the non-conformists. Both the church culture and the gay culture leaves a wreckage and the casualties mount too high. We don't fit in either of their parades. For those of us who are disciples, we claim independence from the parts of church culture that tries to define the quality of our spirituality and judges us without knowing our hearts. For those of us who are gay, we claim independence from the parts of gay culture that tries to define us by our sexuality and illustrates an example of promiscuity. We proclaim the freedom to choose a different picture of our future and our lifestyles - and this is the journey of our parade. I see myself in this parade - taught by my Father to value the outcasts and to encourage others to do the same. Those values are tested in the world and the challenge is made to overcome personal demons and dream stealers - those who break, beat, and damn us. The legacy left behind after us is the Black Parade that travels the "narrow road" and continues on.

Hear the song for yourself below, read the lyrics underneath it, and see how you relate to "The Black Parade":



"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.

He said "Son when
you grow up
would you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

He said "Will you
defeat them,
your demons
and all the non-believers,
the plans that they have made?

Because one day
I'll leave you
a phantom
to lead you in the summer,
to join the black parade."

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.
He said "Son when
you grow up
will you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling
she's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.

When through it all,
the rise and fall,
the bodies' in the streets,
and when you're gone we want you all to know.

We'll Carry on,
We'll Carry on,
and though you say you don't believe me
Your memory will carry on,
we'll carry on,
until my heart I can't contain it,
the anthem wont explain it.

A world that sends you reeling
from decimated dreams.
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back,
lets shout it loud and clear.
Defiant to the end we hear the call

to carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
we'll carry on
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches...

...on and on we carry through the fears.
ooh oh ohhhh

Disappointed faces of your peers.
ooh oh ohhhh

take a look at me,
'cause I could not care at all---

Do or die,
you'll never make me.
Because the world,
will never take my heart.
You can try,
you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Won't explain, or say I'm sorry.
Im not ashamed, I'm gonna show my scar.
You're the chair, for all the broken.
Lose it here, because it's only.

I'm just a man, I'm not a hero.
Just a boy, i wanna sing this song.
Just a man, I'm not a hero.
I! - don't! - care!.

We'll carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches on!---

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world, will never take my heart.
And though you try, you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Do or die you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart.
You can try, you'll never break me.
You want it all you wanna play this part.

Keeping the Closet Door Open

I feel like the more un-anonymous I become on this blog, the less authentic I feel free to be. When I know that certain people are reading, i'll find myself hesitating from writing about certain things. This is tough for me because I lose my outlet for processing my thoughts. It was so freeing at the start of Two World Collision when I was completely anonymous and I could pretty much write about whatever I wanted or about whatever I was feeling. Yet, at the same time, it was so freeing when I reached a point in my blog life when I was ready to "come out". I felt known.

When I self-edit myself on this blog, I can see myself following that pattern in my life of strategically presenting only the good parts of me to the world while keeping the rest of me in a closet - maybe not the gay closet, but my own closet . . . .

I don't want to do that. I don't want to continue living my life being inauthentic for the sake of potentially manipulating public opinion about me. I do want to be known. I want you to know who I am. And I do want to be a good witness of what Jesus is doing in my life. But my witness isn't that I'm "good", but my witness is that He is "good" and that He is "good" to me despite me. Two World Collision isn't about my journey of finding cohesion in what were two colliding worlds - colliding paradigms. It's about my ongoing journey of discovering who I am and revealing who I am. It's about finding the cohesion between the public Eric and the closet Eric.

Love me, hate me, know me for all of me. I'm not going to be the champion gay Christian. I'm not going to be perfect. I simply have a direction and I still have so much to figure out about all of this.

I shall continue taking the risk of being real here - even if it makes me look horrible and terrible and ugly and even imperfect. So here it is: I feel like I've made poor decisions over the past week and a half. I've been sad and tired. I've been impatient and on edge at work. I'm not happy with me right now.

I'm in a better place today, but all of last week I was doing all I could to hang in there.

I made a string of poor decisions last week. I subscribed to a 3 day trial membership at a porn site. I had a meaningless "hook up" with a guy. I've been eating fast food again.

Sometimes, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. One poor decision leads to another, then another, then another and the panic of being in the quicksand gives me cause to make the next poor decision. Each poor decision is a way to cope with feeling crappy about the previous poor decision. And I just hate myself more each time.

Damn it.

I know i've got a problem when the shaming behavior begins. I know i'm in this mode when I start hiding. It's when I close the door and turn down the computer's speakers so that my room mate can't hear what I'm watching on the Internet. It's when I wait to be home alone to call and arrange a hook up. It's when I quickly eat the (huge) burrito and (super) nachos and (large) fries and milk shake before my room mate gets home so that he doesn't see how much of a pig I'm being and then it's when I take out the trash (and evidence) down to the dumpster so that he doesn't see in our kitchen trash can what I had been eating. Or it's when I do use the kitchen trash can but I bury the fast food bag and wrappers down at the bottom and cover it with other trash and napkins.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' " (Genesis 3: 7-10)

It's not that i'm hard on myself. Well, maybe I am. But I'm also acknowledging the truth of what I know is wrong. I was in a group discussion last week about how some Christians (gay or straight) will rationalize some sin to be acceptable because it's "better" than doing something "worse". Is it okay to masturbate while looking at porn because it's "better" than actually having sex with someone? Is it okay to have oral sex because it's "better" than going "all the way"? Is it acceptable to gawk and stare at the hotties walking down the street because simply looking is "better" than touching and embracing? Is it okay to take the "lesser of two evils"?

I don't think so.

If both options are wrong, then it's still wrong. It's time to look for the third option. But look, i'm not legalistic about all of this. Yes, we have to call sin what it is but I realize there's the practical side of living life with temptations. I don't think that Jesus is waiting to bash me over the head because of the sin of the moment. I think that Jesus is more concerned about what's going on in my heart that led me to sin in the first place. It doesn't mean that He excuses what I've done. It just means that He's walking with me through what I've done.

If I am looking at porn, I think that Jesus is more concerned about my need for genuine physical intimacy and that I am expressing this need in broken ways through a love-substitute - lust. Yes, I do believe that God desires my obedience but I don't think His approach to correcting me is pointing His finger and saying, "Look at what you did! That was wrong!" Rather, I think Jesus' approach to addressing my sin is revealing to me my real need and providing grace for that. By meeting and healing the genuine need, my own attempt at meeting that need in an unhealthy way discontinues (or at the very least, subsides).

So yeah, what i've been doing is wrong. I've made poor decisions. And Jesus is walking with me through them.

I'm lonely. Some friends tell me that I'm a catch. I say this humbly but I don't disagree. My self-esteem isn't completely shot. It's just that my self-confidence takes a hit every time I see couples together enjoying the privilege of each other's touch. I want that. I want to be touched and I want him to want to touch me. It's so hard being 30 years old and not even having my first defined relationship. How much of a catch can I be?

So that's when I start believing the distorted thoughts that go through my mind - i'm ugly, i'm undesirable. I feel empty so I try to fill that feeling with food. Feeling full is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. I feel numb so I try to fill that feeling with masturbation. Feeling pleasure, even temporarily, is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. The porn and the fantasy and the food are simply tools that facilitate the feeling.

This is me just trying to understand what's going on inside. I'm not excusing my sin (and neither should you excuse my sin). But perhaps naming the need will help me to recognize "better" and healthier ways of meeting that need.

I unpacked all of this with my buddy the other day. We both have been having some very rough times in our personal lives the past several months. And we've been able to be the friend we each need. After last week, I hesitated from telling him about what I had been doing because I was afraid of what he'd think of me. That's silly because we both have confided in each other and the trust has been earned on both ends. But being vulnerable is always difficult.

In the past, I always felt like people left me when they knew too much of me. I think it's a wound that I've kept around ever since my elementary years when my parents divorced. It's like they knew that I was "gay" and so they divorced me. When I confided in friends, they never stuck around and so I felt like they divorced me. So it's easier to just not let people know me. The wall goes up and i'm selective as to how much of me my family and friends get to discover about me. They see a portion of me (the good parts) while the rest of me hides in my closet.

So the thing that me and my buddy are learning to do is keeping the closet door open (even if one of us are still inside). We may still need the safety of the closet. But with the door open, one can see in and know what's in there, and one can see out that the buddy hasn't run away. We're getting comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. We find a place where there is no judgment - and a friend who doesn't go any where when things get ugly.

Where does this all leave me now? I'm a little more aware of what I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling the way I do. It's super helpful to bounce thoughts and emotions off my buddy to help me process them. Last week, I just felt completely out of control - like everything was just happening to me and I couldn't stop messing up and the rushing waves were crashing over me and I was drowning. Whoa, actually I was feeling like Augustana's "Boston" video that I posted right before last week started. Hmm . . . interesting.

Anyway, where was I?

At the end of the day, I want to be real. I'm tired of just showing the world the flattering parts of who I am. There's more to me than the over achieving "good Christian". There's more to me than the gay guy who finally came out of the closet. There's also the part of me that needs that closet. For now, I'll just keep the door open and grow from there.

Happy Birthday Two World Collision

[Note: Scroll down within this post to see Dolly Parton's "Travelin' Thru" lyrics from TransAmerica along with the YouTube video.]

This is it! Sound the party favors!!! The day has arrived!

Happy Birthday Two World Collision!!!!

A year of journeying, exploring, questioning, seeking, reading and listening - i've taken 525, 600 steps forward and I'm at a better place than I was one year ago. I've traveled through along this road that not only leads to God, but follows God.

And here I am. At peace with my faith and sexuality. I am a gay Christian . . . .

It has been one year since my very first Two World Collision post entitled "Torn Between The Two". It's been a refreshing year of exploring the questions that I posed in that first blog post. Almost six months into writing this blog, I took an assessment of my previous years in "525,600 Minutes". Then at the New Year I began the four part "Sankofa" series discussing significant phases of my testimony. And of course, there's the milestone posts along the way that are listed in the right side column of this blog.

Now, it's been five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of this journey and it has been absolutely exciting! I've explored the spectrum of perspectives regarding the issue of whether or not a person can be both gay and Christian. I've been in continuous dialogue and prayer with the Lord. I've searched the Scriptures and have realized the foreign gospel that I accepted from the mainstream. I've spoken to many gay Christians and have seen the fruit of the Spirit in them - the same evidence of God that I recognize in me.

I began this journey thinking that I would come "full circle" - that I would resolve for myself and own my beliefs about homosexuality (as I understood it at the time) to be a sin. My hope was to be confident enough to speak against it. However, God had a different journey for me to tread. It wasn't for me to come "full circle" in my old paradigm - as if God would tell me what I wanted to hear, that it was a sin. Instead, my journey was for me to come to "completion" in a new paradigm - to accept and hear what God would tell me, that God loves me. It was that simple. And I realized that all of those "Clobber passages" that refer to "homosexuality" - actually referring to a particular context and culture - aren't at all talking about me! Because at the end of the day, I have NEVER refused to glorify God and give thanks to Him. And so Romans 1:21-32 neither describes me nor applies to me.

I am a Christ-centered gay man who is striving to live a lifestyle of faith by loving God, loving others and inspiring others to do the same.

After one year of this journey, that statement best describes me and my identity.

And as is fitting for God's perfect timing, He is faithful to give good gifts. And what a blog birthday gift it is!

Do you remember all the anxiety that I was talking about in "The Not So Fun Part of Living By Faith"? It's tough trying to do something you are passionate about when it doesn't pay the bills because, well let's face it, the bills still need to be paid - regardless of how intangibly rewarding it is. I love being able to build relationships in the community and work towards the vision of Catalyst. But I've gotta tell ya - the stress was mounting and the faith I clung to that God would provide for me (just as He always has!) was being tested big time.

And in typical God fashion, He comes just in the nick of time - at the ninth inning - the calvary comes to deliver its provision as promised.

I got a job.

But the job itself isn't the blog birthday gift. One of the most exciting things (and relevant to this blog) about this whole job situation is that for the first time there is no closet-hiding, no pretending to be straight, nor even a coming-out experience to fellow co-workers or the boss. I interviewed as the person I am, unapologetically, without deliberately hiding or disclosing the simple truth that I am gay. I didn't have to say, "i'm gay" as if it mattered at all. At the same time, I didn't have to shy away from talking about the fact that I've resolved the apparent tension between my faith and my sexuality. (The discussion came up because my resume indicates my work with Catalyst - and during the interview they checked out the Web site which also led to this blog!). They liked me anyway. They accepted me anyway. They hired me anyway.

So the blog birthday gift was that for the first time, I came in . . . "out". Today is our blog birthday. And today is the first day at this new job where I can be comfortable enough to be all of me. We start fresh. And as they get to know me more, they get to know the real me more.

As a blog birthday gift for all of you who journey along with me - each with your own stories to tell - all of us relating in both similar and different ways - here is a tribute to our journey, an anthem to our struggle that says, "let the questions guide the journey":

"Travelin' Thru" by Dolly Parton
For the movie TransAmerica



Read and follow along with the lyrics (thanks to Scott-O-Rama):

"Well I can’t tell you where I’m going, I’m not sure of where I’ve been
But I know I must keep travelin’ till my road comes to an end
I’m out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I’m a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we’re here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We’ve all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I’m born again, you’re gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you’re listening, keep me ever close to you
As I’m stumblin’, tumblin’, wonderin’, as I’m travelin’ thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it’s hard to travel on
But holdin’ to each other, we don’t have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I’ll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, travelin’ thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I’m travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you’re out there, keep me ever close to you
As I’m travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, as I’m travelin’ thru"

Hero Or Freak?

[Scroll down for the YouTube video of Five For Fighting's "Superman".]

Is Superman really gay?

The thing about movies like Superman Returns (by the way it's AWESOME, go see it!) and the X-Men Trilogy and the Spider Man Trilogy (did you know 3 is coming out next summer?) and other mutant/superhero type movies that I find so intriguing is the way that they are able to portray the experience of being different in a society that doesn't completely understand you.

It really doesn't matter if Superman or any other comic book/silver screen super hero is gay or straight or a cross dressing whatever. The point is that we can relate to the characters. As a gay man who has struggled with the Clark-Kent-Super-Man dualistic identity, I understand that as super as being different can be, sometimes I just want to be a regular Clark . . . .

If Clark is the closeted "normal" guy, then that means Superman is the "out" and "uncommon" guy. Is there a "super" element to being gay that I need to embrace?

The closet experience can be tough. Am I Clark? Am I Superman? When am I one or the other? Am I ever both at the same time?

There's a phrase in Superman Returns that i'll alter here: Even though I have been raised among heterosexuals, I am not one of them. Maybe it's okay that I am not a heterosexual.

I remember when the emotional conflict was so unbearable I desperately wanted to look a loved one in the eyes without wearing my Clark-Kent-eye-glasses - hoping that he or she will recognize the Superman within. I want you to know that I am gay!

But it was so hard to do. Rejection can be a closeted gay man's kryptonite.

Now that I'm somewhat "out", it's kind of relieving - to a degree, at least. Am I a crime-fighting hero or am I a mutant-freak? My loved ones will have to decide for themselves. I will have to decide for myself. What does it mean and what does it look like to accept the fact that I am gay?

If I choose to be the hero, then what does that mean? Perhaps, it's that I choose to be different. I choose to live the kind of life that values genuine relationships and platonic friendships. I choose to respect individuals without objectifying their bodies as if it's something to devour or claim or play with. I choose to value commitment and monogamy for the one person that I love.

If I choose to be the freak, then does that mean that I am never the hero? When the frustration of being lonely overtakes me and I am tempted to find a physical connection, does the indiscretion deny me the right to speak against it? When I gawk at the hotness of a guy passing by or when my jaw hangs open after seeing Brandon Routh on screen, does it reveal my hypocrisy?

Even public figures can be in a sort of closet. Anonymity allows me to get away with being the freak because no one expects me to be the hero. But being the hero means inspiring everyone to be the hero too. It'd be easier if no one knew my name. However, nothing about this journey of mine has been easy. I used to be paranoid about walking down the street of what we call in Long Beach the "gay ghetto". I am now much more comfortable with sitting in the front of a coffee shop frequented by gays and lesbians and being okay with people seeing me and thinking that i must be gay too. I am gay. How about when I go to the gay bar with friends for a drink? How about when I go to the gay club with friends to dance?

As I become more known by people in the gay community here in this city, how far do I need to be above reproach? How much of an example do I need to set? Am I the normal relatable guy or am I the hypocrite guy? The pressure sometimes makes me just want to let go! What in the world am I trying to do here and who am I to speak into the lives of others?

Where are the real leaders in our community? How can any of us have the right to try to be a hero when we are also the freak?

Perhaps the problem is that I need to stop seeing this dualistically. It's not that I am either hero OR freak - Clark OR Superman. I am both. Maybe the hero is also the freak who is just simply trying to live a better life - not save anyone. Perhaps the responsibility of the hero is not to be the savior - because there already is one - but rather it is to simply walk forward on a journey and inspire others to walk the journey as well.

I'm no superman. I can barely even be a proper Clark Kent. I figure the best that I can do, for right now, is to claim that I am neither. I am simply walking towards the One who is.

A Community Familiar With Rejection

Bea's last two posts over at Sh-out called "Pick ME! Pick ME!" and "Brutal Honesty" got me processing more about my parents. Last week, in "My Parents Before The Divorce", I was imagining what it must have been like for my parents during their marriage. My mom knew (or at least had her suspicions) about my dad being gay and so now that I know that he's gay it allows me the ability to empathize or sympathize with their experience so that I can sort out for myself how the divorce had affected me as I grew up.

Her post about wanting to be "picked" really resonated with me because it gave me insight into how my mom must have desperately wanted her husband to actually desire her. I can imagine that, as a woman, she wanted to feel sexy, appreciated, wanted - picked. As a man, that's what I want! But it helps me to understand more of the dynamic that was going on between them. Beneath the surface, under the arguing and fighting with each other that I hated seeing and under the bitterness that I felt against them, there was this frustration between us all because we were all feeling rejected by each other . . . .

Last night, I was with some friends and we were talking about why some gay men are afraid of being alone. I'm not necessarily "afraid" of being alone. It's just that I don't want to be alone because it's been such a lonely experience for me in the closet. For so many years, I intentionally denied myself the opportunity to be genuinely and authentically known and touched because I was afraid of being rejected if certain people knew. Going back further, it was a lonely experience for me after the divorce. Deep down, I felt rejected by my parents when they got divorced. I realize now that they both also felt rejected.

I can imagine the helpless feeling that my mom must have experienced during their marriage. My dad being gay was out of my mom's control. There was nothing she could do to change him. She must have felt so angry at my dad for not changing himself. What must have been going through my mom's mind for all those years? Why does he have to be gay? Why won't he just choose to be "normal"? Am I not a good enough woman for him to make him want to be straight? I wonder what kind of insecurities manifested out of the chaos that was going on in my mom's head. Honestly, I hate to admit this, but I used to look down on my mom everytime I saw her with a "guy friend". But how can I judge her when I know how desperate she must have been to want to be "picked"? My mom just wanted to be desired. Loved. How can I blame her for doing the best she could to maintain some kind of sanity, some kind of control - some kind of self-preservation? I love my mom and it breaks my heart to think that there were times that she wanted to be loved and didn't receive it.

I can imagine the confusion that my dad must have been experiencing during their marriage. He must have been so torn. I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wanted to be a good husband, a good father - but didn't know how. Isn't loving your wife supposed to be just natural? I'm sure he loved her but he probably recognized that he didn't desire her. So how do you force yourself to desire someone that you don't? He loved her. He wanted to be able to desire her but he couldn't. He must have imagined what my mom was feeling and hated himself for not being able to please her. If I were with a woman, I wouldn't know how to fully please her either. So what was he supposed to do? It's not like he could just choose not to be gay. It's not like he could just choose to desire her. My dad must have felt so out-of-control too. He probably knew that my mom knew that he was gay and felt that she rejected him for not being a "real" man. He probably rejected himself for not being a "real" man. I personally understand the tension of being in the closet. I love my dad and it breaks my heart knowing what he was going through in a marriage with a woman he cared for and four children that he loved. And so he must have felt rejected by me when I chose not to live with him after the divorce.

It was traumatic for me. I remember the day I found out. It was morning and my dad was driving me to elementary school in our family van. I was in 6th grade. He said, "Son, you mama and I are getting a divorce." I knew. We all knew that it was coming. My brother and sisters and I all knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. The truth is that I was actually relieved. I was glad to hear it. I hated seeing them argue. I hated it when they took it out on us.

I remember sitting in the front seat of the van looking out of the window watching the houses and trees whiz by while I listened to my father speak. He continued, "She's going to move to Long Beach with your aunt. I'm going to stay here in Hawaii. Who do you want to go with?" It was a no-brainer. I already knew that I would much rather live with my mom than with him. He was rigid and distant. I hated doing yard work, which is something he had my brother and I do all the time, and so I saw this as an opportunity for a prison break. I don't remember the actual words that I used. I chose my mom. I don't even remember if he said anything back to me. But I do remember how I felt. I didn't feel guilty for choosing to leave. But I felt like he was giving me a guilt trip for not choosing him. And so I guess I felt like I "should" be feeling guilty but as I grew up I ended up hating him for making me feel guilty. (Does that make sense?) So I was bitter with him for pretty much all my teenage and young adult years because I felt like he shouldn't have made me feel that way. I was 10 or 11 years old, I shouldn't have to choose between my parents - much less feel guilty for the choice that I ended up making. I felt rejected by him - which is weird because he was most likely feeling rejected by me.

This kind of craziness shaped my teenage years. I was confused after the divorce because I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. Am I supposed to feel guilty for choosing my mom? Does choosing my mom automatically mean that I was rejecting my dad? Is it okay that I wanted them to get a divorce? Should I feel guilty about that? I just wanted peace for a change. And by the way, on top of all this madness, why the hell was I gay?

No wonder I was all screwed up and tried to kill myself.

Rejection sucks. My mom felt it. My dad felt. I felt. We were all screwed up because we didn't know what to do with rejection and the feelings that come with it. But in hindsight, I suppose I can understand the person that I am now by the way the divorce - and even the closet experience - shaped me as I grew up.

In my last post about this theme, I had a minor side note (soapbox) about the whole gay marriage thing and I'm feeling another one coming now: I think the opponents of gay marriage don't realize why many people in "my" community" feel so outraged by their opposition. Aside from the justice issue or even the God issue, I think that every time that we hear people oppose gay marriage in conversation or in debate or in public speech or even in a wedding ceremony where someone talks about the "threatened institution", it's yet another example of how we experience society rejecting us. We are a community familiar with rejection and when people say that we shouldn't have the right to marry because it would threaten the "institution of marriage", it becomes not only insulting but personal. The debate will not die, for this reason.

Anyway, where was I?

I love my parents. I can understand their experience when they were married and it helps me to move on. It helps me to understand what I don't want in a marriage. It helps me to understand how important it is for us to want to be "picked". I am a gay man. It wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to marry someone I didn't completely desire. One day, I will marry a person that I love, appreciate and even desire. And it will be mutual. He will know that I pick him and I will know that he picks me.

My Parents Before The Divorce

Some of the most moving scenes for me in Brokeback Mountain were the parts of Ennis and his wife Alma. As I watched them, it took me to a place I had never considered before. What must it have been like for my father and mother when they were still married?

If you’d asked me to recall a memory from my childhood, a vivid one that always comes to mind is when I was standing next to my dad near the stairs as he yelled out profanities towards my mom across the house in the kitchen. I was ten years old.

I held a lot of bitterness in my heart towards my dad after the divorce. It was tough. But once I found out that my dad is gay, things started to make sense . . . .

I used to think back to those times in Hawaii and wonder what the real reason was why they got divorced. Was it really my fault? After all, I was gay and they had to know, right? They argued because of me, they were disappointed in me, right? Or was it really my dad’s fault? He just was never happy with anything, right? He constantly found fault with everything my mom did, right? Or was it really my mom’s fault? She just wasn’t good enough, right? She wasn’t pleasing to my dad, right?

It’s crazy to think back on the kinds of things that go through a child’s mind. I know it wasn’t my fault that my parents got divorced. I know it wasn’t my dad’s fault. I know it wasn’t my mom’s fault. I figured out that it was my brother’s fault – the jerk! *smirk* (LOL, I’m absolutely kidding, really, I love my brother! Hehe).

I’ve spoken to both my parents separately and they would both accuse the other of infidelity. Hmm. Alright, who’s telling the truth? Perhaps both of them were. I don’t know. But I’ve now got a glimpse of how complicated their marriage must have been. Now that I know that my dad is gay, in the closet, and at the time was in the U.S. Air Force, I can somewhat understand the dynamic that must have been going on between my mom and dad romantically and sexually. I know what it’s like to be in the closet. It’s frustrating and lonely. How much more must it have been that way for my dad in a marriage?

If (and I emphasize the “IF”) it’s true that my mom was unfaithful, I don’t exactly blame my mom for it. And I can also imagine that along with the anger that my dad must have been feeling, whether he knew for sure that she was doing that or even if he only suspected it, my dad must have felt jealous – envious even – because he wanted to be with a man and couldn’t (or at least, he made the choice to deny himself). I used to have those same feelings when my female friends got boyfriends. I was so jealous because I wanted to be with her boyfriend instead of her.

If (and I emphasize the “IF”) it’s true that my dad was unfaithful, I don’t exactly blame him either because I understand what it’s like to burn with passion for another guy. The frustration of never being socially allowed to embrace a man in such a way is absolutely overwhelming. I can imagine the mix of anger, confusion, and sorrow that my mom must have been feeling knowing that my dad was (or may be) with another man. She must have felt betrayed and used. (My mom implied to me once that she felt like my dad used her just to make kids – I’ve got three other siblings, I’m the youngest.) She must have felt so inadequate sexually as a woman thinking that she wasn’t good enough and so he had to go to a man to be pleased. She must have felt so lonely because she couldn’t tell anyone and she must have been too ashamed to let anyone know. I used to have those same feelings when a male friend of whom I was crushing on got a girlfriend. I’d feel so inadequate because he didn’t desire me the way I desired him. Of course, he was straight, but still. I envied the girl because I wanted to be with my friend instead of her.

Whether or not infidelity is right or wrong is not the issue. I’m not implying that it’s acceptable. But what I am saying is that understanding the context of their marriage helps me to be more compassionate towards them for making the decision to get divorced. I can understand why they argued so much. I can understand why they never seemed happy. I can understand how they might have taken their frustrations out on us kids, at times.

Of anything it makes me value marriage all the more. It makes me grateful that I am out of the closet. I no longer have to put on the charade of looking straight – entertaining the idea of marrying a woman just so that people wouldn’t suspect that I am gay. I no longer have to worry about having a marriage that could potentially end in divorce – like my mom and dad’s or even like Ennis and Alma’s. I no longer have to worry about putting my wife through the hell of lying to her, not telling her why I’m not completely satisfied, and making her feel guilty or unattractive.

Instead, I can engage in relationships honestly. And in the context of a serious romantic relationship, I can entertain the idea of marriage knowing that I actually do love him and that we’ll enjoy each other’s company for the rest of our lives.

Here’s a side note (more like a soapbox) but it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now: what is it exactly that opponents of gay marriage would have me do? Marry a woman while sacrificing both of our happiness and ultimately ending up divorcing each other anyway. Yeah, that’ll preserve the institution of marriage. I think it’s just easier for them to close their eyes, wave their finger in the air back and forth, and yell out “no, no, no” while denying me the same legal right that my other fellow American citizens have. They refuse to see that two men happy together for the rest of their lives who KEEP their marriage vows is better than a man and a woman unhappy together who ultimately BREAK their marriage vows. Yeah, I know, they would rather insist that I not marry at all! Who are THEY to insist that upon me? (I’ll stop there because I can already tell I’m starting to get worked up about it).

Anyway, where was I?

I love my parents. I don’t blame them anymore. They both did the best they could at the time. Regardless of what happened in the past, today things are better. My family knows that I’m gay and they do not reject me for it. They know that some day I’ll have a boyfriend and ultimately a husband – yes, husband. (Although, I think my mom is still holding out for me to marry a nice Filipino girl.) Both my parents now live in Southern California and for the second holiday family gathering in a row, the entire family has been present – both parents, all my siblings and all the kids. It’s great! Sure my parents have residual issues but at least they can be (somewhat) civil with each other in the same room. I’m thankful for the way God has redeemed the relationships in my family because there were some pretty tough times.

Today, I discovered two blogs that I thought were interesting. The first is Accidental Christian – a blog by Eddy, a gay man in the closet who is a pastor and has come out to his wife. The other is Sh-out – a blog by Bea, Eddy’s wife, who was dragged into the closet that Eddy has been in. I read both of their blogs at the same time from the beginning – switching back and forth as the days chronologically progressed – and it was interesting to read about similar events from each of their perspectives, baggage, and pain. They both definitely talk about colliding worlds and so I decided to add a new section at the bottom of the left column of this blog. It’s called “Well, My Spouse Is Gay. Where Does That Leave Me?” Be sure to check them all out!

Update: See follow up post here - "A Community Familiar With Rejection"

The Redefinition of Me

Over the past three or four years, I've journeyed through my insecurities - facing them head on and allowing myself to look in the mirror and being okay with the man I see. I remember times when it was so hard to do that.

I found so many reasons why I couldn't love and accept myself. But I wanted to. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself. I wanted to be able to see my own reflection - to see what I looked like being happy. And so I began to walk forward - taking steps of growth, taking moments of introspection, taking the time to confront the guy I avoided - me.

In order to figure out who I am, I had to figure out who I was . . . .

Years ago, I wasn't happy with the person I had become. I felt ugly - i couldn't change my face. I felt physically unattractive and overweight - i couldn't change my size. I hated the fact that I was gay - i couldn't change my sexuality, as much as i wanted to at the time. There were even times when I was bitter towards my faith - i couldn't change the fact that i really did love and believe in Jesus but people told me that it was in conflict with my sexuality and so I couldn't fully be or live both. I wasn't happy that I was Filipino - i couldn't change my ethnicity. I wasn't even happy with my middle name - it was given to me, my dad's middle name (and our relationship was strained for so many years). I hated being (and feeling) alone - I wouldn't even date me! There were things about myself that I didn't like. There were things that I had done in my past that I sorely (and still) regret. I've had my share of mistakes.

Rest assured, I will not be running for political office!

How do I get to the point of realizing that I'm not so bad a person? Thinking of all the good that I've done, doesn't necessarily cancel out the bad or the insecurities. I guess, for me, it started with a choice - to take a step of faith - embrace the risk that comes in loving me like God was loving me.

So the journey began and I discovered that not only was there life "out" there, but there was also life "in" there - in me. I missed appreciating my teenage years. I missed enjoying my 20's. I am now 30 years old and I don't want to go through another decade of being handcuffed by fear - the fear of social opinion, the fear of religious persecution, the fear of self-condemnation.

It's exciting to see changes in what I like as I've grown more comfortable with the person I am. On more and more occasions, i've found myself physically attracted to an asian person whereas before I never thought i'd ever see a cute asian. I attribute this to my process of learning to be okay with the fact that I'm asian - (and as some say, a cute filipino - hehe).

As I've chosen to live a physically fit and healthy lifestyle, I've also grown to be okay with my size. I am blessed and fortunate enough to not have a medical condition that effects my ability to lose weight. So I exercise regularly and I eat reasonably (most of the time) without torturing myself with guilt or a starvation diet. I can actually enjoy eating!

I'm not only okay with being gay - I like the fact that i'm gay. um, sort of. But yeah, i hated that about myself so much in the past. Now, i not only accept it, i live it. What does that mean? I don't fully know. But "I" get to decide what that means. I can choose to redefine what that means for my life. Perhaps the mainstream church, the media, and the gay community itself have their own stereotypes or perspectives of what a "gay lifestyle" looks like. But i'm okay with me being a gay individual within the gay community - both different and similar.

I'm okay with being a Christian. I don't feel the need to apologize for that or to explain the context of why I feel like I can be both gay and Christian. I'm not a Christian because I'm gay. I'm a Christian because I believe and have accepted Jesus as my Christ, my Messiah, my Savior, my Lord. Because this is my reality, i don't have to live under the Christian culture of isolating myself in a para-world where everything "in" is clean and everything "out" is dirty. I chose to no longer live a life of following the religious routines of a spectator faith. I have chosen to live out my faith as a lifestyle "out" there - no longer constrained by traditional view, but explored as I walk this out with my God. I do not believe that I'm following my own spirituality but rather Jesus' spirituality. I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with my middle name. Dean. I never used to like it because it was my dad's middle name. Now, I like it because it is my dad's middle name. Our relationship with each other has improved over the years. We can both tell each other that we love each other. We both accept each other. I've chosen to forgive him of the things that he couldn't help or control. He was the best dad that he knew how to be. I chose to give him some slack. I decided that our current relationship didn't need to be defined by my past hurts. And in this process of growth, I discovered that I'm proud to share his name - middle and last name. I am my father's son.

I'm not okay with being single, but I would date me. (ha, that sounds so conceited but please keep in mind the context of what i've been saying here). I'm not content with flying solo so i'm willing to make the effort in getting to know people more intimately. What rules apply in regards to sex? I know what i used to think. But that came from a place of 2 decades of theory and not much actual sexual experience. My thoughts and opinion evolve as I try to sort it out. The truth is that I don't know what i think about sex. I've got a good head on my shoulders so i think i can figure it out. I don't necessarily think sex needs to be part of the dating equation. I do know that I value substance in a relationship and that's what i'm looking for so i'm apt to not allow my hormones to rule this process. But i'm okay with wanting to get to know people as more than friends - without the lust and without the obsession. Isn't that fair?

As for my past mistakes, I can't change them. I can only grow from them. I'd even hesitate from wishing they didn't happen. So much of my life would be different had I not made those mistakes. Would I be willing to give up the life that I have now in order to have the life I could have had if I didn't make those mistakes? I'm not sure. But I can't live like that. I can't live in the past. Past regrets have anchored me. I'm choosing to set sail.

So let's go! "Life moves on" is no longer a cliche - it's my reality. My journey continues and I live fresh in discovering what's in store because I know that whatever comes will continue to shape and redefine me. I'm okay with that.

The Dawn's Revelation

It's morning now and the sky is clearing up. It had been raining here over the past couple of days and I've remained in my apartment for about the same length of time. I actually like the rain though. I like to walk in it without an umbrella. I like sitting next to a window and watching it pour down. I even like riding in a car while the rain streaks down the windshield.

I know the rain can sometimes lead to a gloomy kind of a feeling. I don't think that's why I like it. It's not like I prefer sadness. Thank God that Southern California has its balance of rain and sunshine or else I'd either take the rain for granted or curse its never ending outpouring. I think it's the balance that I enjoy - because after the evening storm, the dawn's light reveals the beautiful blue sky.

These past several months have helped me to appreciate both the grey and blue skies of my life. I've experienced growth and change and stretching and wondering and even confusion about life and sexuality and relationships and faith.

The dawn's revelation is that I am not broken. I have been made whole. I am being made whole. What does it mean to be both gay and Christian? I think it is to praise God for being both . . . .

Why not? Why shouldn't I praise God for being gay? For being Christian? I make no apologies for either. I had been conditioned to think that, because I was gay, I was broken. I needed to be fixed. And since I was broken and gay, regardless of being Christian, I was subtly taught that I was less. If I were to accept my "brokenness" as God's will, then it is simply my naivity.

I disagree. My brokeness wasn't being gay. My brokeness was believing that I hadn't received reconciliation and restoration with God when I accepted Christ as my Savior and that I would only receive such wholeness when I am either straight or in His Holy Presence. The deceit isn't that I believe it's okay to be gay. The deceit was thinking that being gay was a category of sin.

I believe that the sin is in how we express being gay or straight in unloving ways through lust, violence, and unfaithfulness. These are the things that we ought to strive for holiness in - not reorientation. That has been my paradigm shift. That is what has brought the dawn's light through the clouds of repression and condemnation.

Chained and bound by the dictionary of other Christians, God had said to me through His Word, "Um, no, actually I do love you." And I am now free to love Him and others properly.

One of the most beautiful women that I know is Christine. Her smile is beautiful. Her laughter is beautiful. Her cries are beautiful. Her story is beautiful. She's got a blog formerly called "Rising Up From The Ashes" now renamed "Rising Up Whole". She comes from a place in her life of having spent years in the ex-gay ministries and being told that she was "broken". It left her in ashes and she was rising up from it. It was the ex-gay ministries that were breaking her. But the breeze came and the ashes that choked her and covered her eyes were slowly blown away. She rises up a woman, whole.

She inspires me.

I share this same resurrection Phoenix story of how God restored and reconciled me to Himself through Christ. He helped me to believe in His ability to sovereignly create me - as I am and on purpose. He empowers me - not as someone who is less but as someone who is filled by Him with more - to catalyze the journey of those wading in the ashes, to help them turn towards the wind, and to inspire them to look up for what the dawn brings.

Several months ago, a milestone post for me was "Living Life As All Of Me" and in it I said that to be both gay and Christian means to simply be me. Today, i think it means to thank God for me - without apology, without regret. Just as my Father intended, I am happy as I am.

Going Into Labor

It's been roughly nine months (about two weeks shy) of when I started this blog recording my journey of figuring out what it means to be gay and Christian.

Five years ago, I would have bucked the idea of such blasphemy. Four years ago, God led me to confronting the conflict within me. Two years ago, God began to break my heart for "the" gay community. One year ago, God began to break my heart for "my" gay community. Nine months ago, God conceived in me a vision - a realization that He was working amidst this gay community and that I was a part of it.

This week, it seems i've begun that labor process of birthing a new vision. In a season of transitions, I'm about to enter a new chapter of my life. Today, March 31st, is the official last day of being employed by my public ministry - that non-profit organization that I co-founded (my first baby). Tomorrow, April 1st, is the official incorporation day of Catalyst - my new public and "out" non-profit organization (my second baby) that I am founding to specifically work within our gay community here in Long Beach.

My week-long labor has included a number of contractions . . . .

For starters, there's the submission of an application for an apartment for my buddy and I. I am currently paying $1,330 rent for a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. We found a two bedroom/two bathroom apartment with washer/dryer included, balcony, and gated garage parking for only $1,100 rent. Between the two of us, that will cut this expense in half for me. Two days ago, our application was approved! We can start the move-in in about two weeks. Tomorrow, i'll be submitting my 30-day notice to terminate my rental lease early.

Since i'll be leaving my job, I really don't know when i'll have health insurance again. This week, I wrote the letter to our insurance to terminate my health plan at the end of March. I never really used my benefits while I had it (except for my vision plan so that i could get new glasses last year). I suppose I took it for granted. I figured that I should at least get a medical check up before I leave. So last week, I saw a doctor and had some blood work done. My main concern was my blood sugar. For the past five years, i noticed that every once in a while (usually when hungry) i would get sweaty palms, dizziness, slight tremors in my right hand, and sometimes get close to blacking out. It wouldn't happen all the time. Just when I was hungry. Usually eating something sweet seems to stabilize me so I kinda figured that maybe it was an issue with my blood sugar. Yesterday, I saw the doctor again and my lab results showed no problems. It seems that i'm pretty healthy actually. It's no big surprise - I've been working out regularly and eating better over the past year, i've lost 25-30 pounds since January 2005 and have maintained it since, my blood pressure is great, and it appears that my blood sugar is normal. Another no big surprise - i'm HIV negative. (I wasn't worried about that, it's just good to get another baseline).

So why the tremors in my hand? He thinks that maybe it's anxiety. Ya think?

Yesterday, I also went to the last meeting of the planning team for that group that hosted that conference this last January. That was a significant season for me because we went through some fire together - conflicts with each other, conflicts that the Church is dealing with. There were times that were personally challenging for me. There was that time that I was "profoundly offended". There was that time that I wanted to vomit. Then there was the actual conference event. After the event, none of us on the planning team wanted to talk about any of it again. We were too exhausted and it took so much out of all of us. Now, two months after the event, we got together again to debrief and close the door on that whole thing. We resolved yesterday that while we may or may not do the same kind of event again in that same way, we will, however, continue to work for the good of the Kingdom in each of our own ways - in the ways that God has called us - and will maintain connections with each other. Needless to say, it was good to have closure on all of that.

Another huge contraction was beginning the process of incorporating Catalyst. I went to the county clerk's office to file for my fictitious business name statement. It seems that "Catalyst" is a business name that's already taken so our official name is actually "Catalyst Long Beach". It's okay - "Catalyst" for short will do just fine. So I filed the paperwork and got it published in a local newspaper for the next four weeks as required. Now that I have the official name set, I could then file to get a tax-id number for non-profit status. This is important so that I can accept donations and grants for funding. I got the number and am continuing that process to secure our 501(c)(3) status. I also worked on the Articles of Incorporation. I drafted it and sent it off to the Secretary of State in California. As I wrote it, it kinda felt like writing the Declaration of Independence. I was officially saying "here we are" to the world! I dated the Articles for April 1, 2006 and signed my John Hancock. Tomorrow's the day!

I've also been talking with my brother about creating a temporary logo for Catalyst. While I am pretty capable of writing code and scripts in building dynamic Web sites, I have zero talent with graphic design. I can build a Web site that can do alot, it'll just look like crap! So i usually work with a graphic artist to do all the pretty stuff. I've got a good eye for things (I think) so i can give good direction. I just don't have the skill to work that freaking Photoshop! I swear that application was built for a totally different brain! There are coders and there are graphic designers and they both use different parts of the brain. I'm a coder. Kudos to those who can do both! Anyway, my brother just recently learned Photoshop in a couple classes so he's going to come up with something temporary. I need it too because there were lots of opportunities this week where I wish I had a business card to give and a Web site to refer people to. Anyway, he says he'll hopefully have something to show me tonight.

Another major contraction - this afternoon, i'm planning on writing out my strategic business plan and case statement for Catalyst. I've written down some preliminary ideas and now i'll be articulating the meat of what we'll be doing. With these two documents, i'll be able to produce all other things - Web site content, brochures, grants, and information for donors.

So there have definitely been some labor contractions this week - significant milestones leading up to this new season of serving God and my community here in Long Beach. God and I - we're having another baby tomorrow - the birthing of a new vision that will (hopefully) catalyze this city towards trust, leadership, and life!