Proposals and Conversations and Rulings, Oh My!

I was speaking to my mom this past Sunday (Mother's Day) about getting married (some day). Like she often does, she talked about me finding a good filipino woman. I proceeded to tell my mom very casually, as I often do (in recent years), "Mama, I'm not going to marry a woman. I'm going to marry a man."

The conversation typically cycles through whether or not I'm sure and the fact that I can "arrange" to marry a woman from the Philippines (as if I couldn't find and marry a woman on my own! jeesh! =P ). But this time I told her that I don't want to do that because I want to be happy. I'm not going to be happy marrying a woman and besides the fact that it's not fair for her. Plus, I don't want to bring someone else into "our family" who I don't even care about (referring to some random filipino gal). I told her that the person I bring into "our family" is going to be someone I love and care about. It's going to mean something when he's part of "our family".

Then to seal the deal, I told her, "Well, when did you find out that Papa was gay? Wouldn't you have wanted to know? I don't want to do that. I want to be happy."

She couldn't argue with that. In fact, she seemed to receive it in a way that was a bit different - as if she was shifting from the denial and accepting the truth about her son . . . .

I told my mom and the rest of my siblings in November 2001 that I was struggling with same-sex attractions then on Christmas 2005 that I was no longer "struggling" and that I've found peace with God regarding me being gay. Since then my mom has been in the closet (we switched) about having a gay son, saying that she didn't want her sister (my aunt) to know about me.

During the conversation this past Sunday with my mom, I concluded with asking her to tell my aunt. The family had gathered at my aunt's place and so less than an hour upon my arrival I was bombarded with the usual interrogation from my aunt. You know, the "Sooooooo, when are you going to get married?" *insert high pitched inflection at the end with a filipino accent*

So I told my mom, "you've gotta tell her." I took the opportunity to tell my mom that I just want to be real and myself when I'm with the family. Plus I want her to be able to think of me - the normal and gay, sweet and good nephew that she loves - when she thinks of gay people. If she doesn't know, then she'll continue believing her stereotypes.

I hope my mom tells her sister about me. That would be a step forward for her. She said she would later in the day after I left. I'm proud of her though. She's been through a lot. Remember "my parent's before the divorce"?

I know that I'm very fortunate to have a family so loving and accepting of me. I'm proud of them!

I've also been proud of my city - Long Beach, CA - this place in which I live. Last September, in "One Man's Change of Heart" I made reference to how my own city council unanimously passed a resolution in support of marriage equality. It was amazing at the time because there had been two or three previous failed attempts to pass such a resolution in the city council. Here we are a city with an estimated 80,000 GLBT residents (according to census) , 20% of our city population, and it was still controversial. But then something shifted and the council at the time passed it unanimously. They took a step forward.

And now today, I'm sure you've heard the news and the buzz - the California Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny same sex couples the right - the freedom - to marry.

Article from CNN
Article from LA Times

CNN Report (video)
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome Speech (video)
Mayor Newsome Interview (video)

The pursuit for marriage equality isn't over as I'm sure opposing forces are mobilizing for a State Constitutional Amendment banning same sex marriage on the November ballot. Who knows how this drama will continue to unfold. My prayer is that justice will prevail.

It's not about politics for me. It's about justice. I'm not about to get die-hard political activist-y right now (since my approach is to be a catalyst over being an activist) but it just seems clear to me that we ought to support an individual's rights as a fellow citizen - not deny certain rights because of the kind of citizen they are. I know people have varying views about civil unions and domestic partnerships and stuff and how those have "some or most" of the civil rights, obligations, and responsibilities as marriages do, but "marriage-like" rights aren't the same as having the same rights of marriage.

Didn't some other high court in U.S. history rule regarding another hot topic at the time that "separate but equal" was unconstitutional?

I'm just saying.

Our civilization continues to take steps forward. I take steps forward. My mom takes steps forward. My family takes steps forward. My community and my city takes steps forward. My state is and is trying to take steps forward.

But at the end of the day, whether or not certain types of relationships should be deemed legal and allowable or not, I think we ought to focus on the fact that these are people who are in relationships and want to honor them. Whether gay or straight, our community needs healthy relationships. Those who are currently in long-term committed relationships set an example for those of us who barely know how to stay in a relationship (much less get into one!).

I have no doubt that one day I will have the right to marry. So how do I stay married?

To The Ones I Love

I think I've practically boycotted Valentines Day just about every year. Bah humbug and a toast to Single Awareness Day and all that jazz. But hope remains and I'm neither desperate nor bitter this year.

I guess a part of me has worn my heart on my sleeve - here it is, this is how I feel. But it has less to do with me being a romantic and more to do with the fact that I'm trying to be more authentic in general. And I feel a ton more alive and appreciative of the fact that I am free to care and share and love and cry.

"I like you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Authenticity to contrast the closet has been refreshing. It's fun to live outside of the prison of my own head with the coulda-shoulda-woulda-if-only-but-maybe tapes stuck on constant replay. The abundant life that God has promised is in the here and now and this time I'm accepting the gift. I can only trust that the Lord has heard my petitions for the "one" companion who would complement (not complete) me - we are better together than separate.

In the mean time, I want to be intentional about not neglecting to notice the "ones" that God has blessed me with in my life.

To the one who has been my partner in purpose,
To the one who catalyzed my journey in 2005,
To the one who keeps me silly,
To the one who literally stood by my side in the wake of 2001,
To the one who has shown me that strength is more than simple physical endurance,
To the one who embodied friendship towards me when I was clearly struggling,
To the one who proves that the Internet really does keep friends connected,
To the one who makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME,
To the one who inspires me to care,
To the one who has been like my little brother,
To the one who has restored my hope in that rare creature called a mutual connection,
To the One who never left me . . . .

Each of you have touched my heart and my life in an amazing way. And so with my heart and with my life I say,

"I love you. Unapologetically. And I just wanted you to know it."

Reconciled Friendship

I've always thought it to be God's sick sense of humor to use me as a relational catalyst. It's true that God has often used me as one who connects others together, facilitates introductions, and subtly steps back as others enjoy friendship and fellowship. It's fun being a catalyst because i'm connected in some way to many relationships. In the past couple months, I've recently been revitalized with fresh vision for Catalyst and I'm excited for what God has in store for connecting sub-communities together, pastors and people of faith together, individuals together!

I've often been called a social butterfly but the truth is that I'm very much more comfortable engaging in smaller groups. I refer to God's sense of humor because it seems like He's called one of the most unqualified people in the world to be a "people person".

Me? Are you kidding? Lord, you want me to engage the conversation with others about healthy platonic and romantic relationships in our community? No, seriously?!

God chuckles.

My own relationships are complicated enough. I can't possibly judge someone else's. I can barely navigate my own! I've gone on (few, trust me - few!) dates but i'm not dating someone (though I want to be). I love and appreciate my family but I'm not part of their daily lives and only see them on holidays or during family gatherings. I've got lots of friends but just a few that I'd call for a needed pick up at the airport.

And while I appreciate the people in my life who I interact with on a daily, weekly, monthly, or even occasional basis, there are even fewer in the inner circle that have been both time-tested and fire-tested. A couple months ago, I slammed one of those friends in "Abandoned Friendship" and even made reference to him on YouTube (of all places) in "Side X Culture". If a friendship was ever considered time and fire tested, this is one of them . . . .

Yes, we've been friends for about nine years. Perhaps it was a sucker-punch to make reference to him here. But he knows that this blog has always been a space for me to process my thoughts and feelings - raw. And since you as a reader only get my side of it, I can pretty much have the effect of demonizing him unfairly.

Sorry.

However, I didn't lie or say anything out of malice. I was honest about how I feel and that's significant for my journey out of the closet these past few years. It's not easy reassessing the friendship of someone who's proven himself worthy of the inner circle. The truth is that I actually was feeling hurt, replaced, abandoned for numerous reasons - many of which he's owned up to - but our situation the past several years has been complex. It's not so simple to say that our friendship was conditional. When I came out and voluntarily left the organization that we both started, I felt like I was thrown to the wolves. I had hoped he would have defended me when I was attacked.

While this recent season was challenging for our friendship, I also acknowledge that he's earned his stripes and trust with me in other seasons. He stood behind me during one of the most difficult trials in my life. He was there in 2001. If you've ever read or heard me say that "my character is not defined by the mistakes I've made but rather by the lessons I've learned", it's because he affirmed that in our friendship so that I could own that for my journey.

By the time I wrote "Abandoned Friendship" this past October, I had already emotionally given up. By the time I told my story and it was posted on YouTube at the new year, I had already been referencing him to make the broader point about the Church and gay Christians. He knew about both.

Earlier this week, we met for the first time since I wrote and spoke those things.

Over the course of our conversation, we were able to reconcile. Mostly, I think it was because in planning to meet, we were planning to reconcile. I don't think either of us were approaching the meeting with the intent of picking at wounds. We were able to reconcile because we both value reconciliation. So while I knew that it'd be difficult, I also already knew that we would indeed reconcile.

It was important for us to really hear each other. It was important for us to live out humility. It was important for us to acknowledge the hurt we each had been experiencing and that we each made decisions in reaction to that hurt.

I discovered that I was wrong about his stance. I thought that he was Side B while I was struggling with same sex attractions but that he had reverted back to Side X (yes, i'm aware of the political overtones of phrasing it like that) after I came to a Side A conclusion. My assumption was that he was willing to meet me half way in my "struggle" so that he could escort me back to Side X, but since I went the opposite direction he parted ways with a failed project. That wasn't true. I learned that he had always maintained a Side B view. (Not tracking my references to Sides A/B/X? See here.)

Honestly, this error shaped much of my hurt and how I re-interpreted our past. This doesn't negate the truth that so many of us are indeed hurt by what we perceive as conditional friendships in the Church. The Church still needs to acknowledge that.

But in this particular friendship, I took it very personal when I thought he went from Side B to Side X because to me it communicates inclusion to exclusion - from acknowledging me as a brother in Christ to acknowledging me as a heretic. I thought he had disowned me. That's why it hurt so much.

But he didn't. While theologically we disagree about the acceptability of gay relationships or the burden of celibacy, we both still acknowledge that we are in the same Family of God.

That's huge.

In many ways, God continues to call the two of us to the same vision - even now in separate organizations. He works with the mainline and mainstream churches while I strive to connect with inclusive churches that affirm gay believers like me and we each work to mobilize God's people towards relationship. Maybe God can use the two of us to mend a fractured Church? Or at the very least, fractured relationships. For both of us, it's never been about the organizations we establish or lead but rather it's always been about living out a lifestyle of faith in such a way to call the Church to do the same. The Church will always disagree about things but can we do so without disowning one another?

My friend and I were able to reconcile because we planned on reconciling. Perhaps the Church should take the same approach.

Authentic Expressions of Love

Compromise.

One of the biggest fears I had when I was in the closet was that if I entertained the notion of being gay, then that meant compromising the fundamental beliefs that I held so dear. When I realized that it was okay for me to journey through my questions and fears and beliefs and things that seemed to define me, it was important to me that I remained solid in my faith.

But when we talk about sex, sometimes the assumption seems to be that engaging in it is crossing a spiritual line that reveals a faltering of faith. I see it differently.

A couple weeks ago, I talked about sex and how I didn't use the lens of sexual morality anymore. I was just unpacking what I had been thinking and processing about at the time and I've continued chewing on these things. I appreciate the comments from friends in that post and have considered those things as well - particularly the concepts of sexual integrity and relativistic morality.

Is the act of sex a compromise of sexual integrity? Is having sex an indication of having loose morals? Is saying that I think it's okay to have sex a demonstration of relativism?

In context to my post about discovering that balance of consistent intimacy, to those questions I'd answer both yes and no . . . .

Yes, I believe in sexual integrity. No, I do not believe that having sex in the context of genuine love is immoral.

I may say that I don't look through the lens of sexual morality but that doesn't mean I lack it. Rather, it means I own it differently.

When it comes to sex, the issue i'm concerned about is expressing genuine love authentically. I think scripture that talks about sex is raising this very issue. I'm realizing that before all this, I defined my sexual morality based solely on the "letter of the law" - which pretty much said (not in these words), 'Don't have sex with anyone who is not your spouse'. The emphasis there seemed to be the 'Don't have sex' part. The translation here for me used to be that if I did have sex, then I was being immoral. But what i'm realizing now is that my sexual morality needs to go deeper than that. I think the "spirit of the law" always has as a foundation authentic expressions of love. On the subject of romantic love, there is a context for sexual physical activity that is moral.

That being said, I'm not using the lens of "sexual morality" because to me the phrase is too closely attached to the "letter of the law". That lens is not useful for me because there doesn't seem to be an answer to the question of when it's moral to have sex. I prefer to use the lens of "love" because that requires me to be authentically honest with myself about whether or not it's actually love that i'm experiencing or if it's a lesser form of love (lust) or a premature form of love (genuine romantic care and interest) or an immature form of love (infatuation or crush). The question for me is what kind of physical expressions of intimacy match each of those forms? As Peterson alluded to in his comment in the other sex post, perhaps there are appropriate expressions of physical intimacy or even sexuality that are not sexual acts.

This is what I meant in my previous post about sex. I said that emotional intimacy should be consistent with physical intimacy - both growing at the same pace. If we're using that old baseball diamond illustration describing phases of sexual accomplishment - "getting to" first base, second base, third base, and home plate, (holding hands, kissing/making out, feeling each other up, having sex) then I would include the emotional elements of the relationship to match each base. As the relationship develops (not necessarily marked by time or events but rather by genuine love and trust), each physical milestone (base) matches up with each emotional realization of love in the relationship. So hitting a "home run" on the first or second date is no longer a trophy nor worthy of significant applause.

At the height of a developing relationship, there is marriage - that covenant relationship keeping and maintaining emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. (For those using that "other" lens, this would describe reserving sex until marriage.)

In my opinion, this new lens of love and consistent expressions of intimacy does describe "sexual integrity".

However, the other issue that I raised was that of finding the balance. It's not so easy. For one, I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience so I'm just honest about the fact that I'm trying to figure out what kinds of physical intimacy parallel certain emotional feelings. The other thing that I'm just honest about is the fact that sometimes I want to have a sexual encounter that is detached from emotional feelings. So yes, there are times that I want to 'hook up'. That doesn't mean that I actually do every time I want it. That just means I've gotta figure out what to do with those desires when they do occur. If I do decide to 'hook up', i'm not excusing it as acceptable and i'm not relativistically shifting my moral compass to accommodate my behavior. Rather, i'm owning up to the fact that it's not an authentic expression of love and it's something that I must have a conversation with my God about.

Secondly, I don't think that sexual activity is a lack of sexual integrity. If i've already lost my virginity, does that mean I forever lack sexual integrity? No. It's not about "having sexual integrity" (or losing it once a certain activity occurs) but rather it's about "learning sexual integrity". This is the difference between fooling myself with a license to have sex versus learning the lessons and consequences of having sex.

So I'm saying that I'm not afraid of having sex simply because it's sex. I'm saying that using the lens of love helps me to balance appropriate expressions of intimacy. I'm also saying that I'm giving myself room to figure it all out so that I can grow and learn.

As I continue my journey, I am thankful for friends who share my desire to be faithful to the desires of God. I don't want to walk the tight rope of relativism. I've always believed that conversations about sex should be had within our spiritual communities so that we can speak into each other - this way, there would be far less Christians turning to unhealthy outlets. This is all a continuous process for me of chewing on thoughts, learning lessons, and figuring out how to live out this lifestyle of faith as a gay Christian.

Abandoned Friendship

He used to talk about me that way.

I sat across the table listening to him tell others about how this other guy was right for the project we were doing. It was hard to hear the praises of someone else when we had formerly worked so well together. I was feeling replaced and for this past week, I've had to come to terms with some hard realities.

I think I was wrong about the substance of our friendship.

It was easier for me to always describe him as the straight friend who walked with me through my journey. As I shared my story, I would reference him as a friend I came out to and supported my process. He was someone I could bounce ideas off of - someone I could process my questions with. I wasn't alone on my journey because he was there.

But when I look back, that isn't what actually happened. We talked about the issue occasionally. He read my blog every once in a while. We saw each other every day because we worked together, albeit for God, and even talked passionately about vision and community and the things of God together. But when I reconciled my faith and my sexuality, he abandoned the friendship.

What happened to him walking with me? He was simply supervising my struggle . . . .

We've known each other for nine years. We shared hearts and passion and vision and paradigms. We had a synergy that I've not shared with anyone else. We both spoke the same language and God used our complementary strengths and weaknesses to serve His Kingdom. We were a pair. And when I came out to him, he supported my struggle.

I wanted to change. He wanted me to change. But he was patient with my process and he was willing to wait through my struggle. I participated in ex-gay programs for two years. He remained a supportive outside observer. He affirmed our friendship. I posed questions as I journeyed through the struggle. He loved the questions because it's refreshing to our faith. It led to interesting conversations, plus it was a good story for him to be able to say that he had a friend struggling with homosexuality with whom he was "walking with".

Then God began in me a process leading towards reconciling my faith and my sexuality. It started to complicate things. It started to challenge his own belief system about the issue. But he was still engaging the questions. How do we respond to the brothers and sisters within our Church who struggle with being gay? Celibacy seemed like the best compromise. I saw him journey from having a Side X view of believing heterosexual transformation was necessary to having a Side B view of believing that gay Christians ought to abstain from such activity. I saw it as growth in him.

Then I did reconcile my faith and my sexuality, claiming a Side A view that it's okay to be gay and Christian within the context of monogamy, commitment and faithfulness. I began to believe that there was no difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals and that we all are capable of unhealthy sexual sin but we are called to an authentic and genuine love - for God and for each other. I began to see through a new and fresher lens.

But he knew me. I didn't fit in his box of what those gay Christians were like. I walked with God and my faith as a lifestyle was real and sincere. I short-circuited his belief system because if it were okay by God for me to accept myself as gay (even though I had been gay this whole time), then that would require an adjustment to his beliefs - something that would apparently require too much humility.

I became Side A and since he couldn't follow me there, rather than remaining at Side B, he found it easier to return to his Side X beliefs. He had to. His belief system was in jeopardy and he could either walk onto unknown waters on faith based on what God had been showing him so far or he could return to familiar ground.

I remember the conversation. He needed time away from our friendship so that he could sort everything out. I had stepped away from our public ministry because my potentially controversial presence would have been a distraction from our vision and message of unity within the Church. Ironic. But he needed to figure out how to function within that public ministry without me - without his pair. And we both needed to grieve that loss.

Our ministry relationship had been divorced and so it was easier for him for us not to be around each other. It may have been convenient for him as he eventually replaced me with a ministry team of people with whom he could lean on. That was a blessing for him and the organization. But I was still alone, feeling like our friendship wasn't worth maintaining.

Today's blog post was triggered by a blog post that Peterson wrote last week for ex-gay survivors. He listed off many of the ways we've been harmed by ex-gay experiences. One of the things he described was harm to our relationships. He mentioned, "friends who rejected us because the conditional nature of the friendship. Once we no longer identified as ex-gay and a struggler, they ended the relationship..."

He asked for survivors to share how they've been harmed and this is an excerpt from my response comment (that eventually led to me writing today's blog post): " . . . . This still has hurt me tremendously. I thought I had a friend who was walking with me but that wasn't true. Rather than continuing to walk with me despite how it challenged his paradigm, he chose to distance himself to repair his original theology. Knowing me screwed him up. And it hurts accepting the fact that he really wasn't walking with me. His compassion for me was limited by his conditional acceptance."

He joined the ranks of those who ostracized me - those who ex-communicated me from their regular fellowship. The problem was that his actions weren't consistent with his stance of friendship when we were on the phone or in person. So I held to the illusion of a friend who walked with me because I didn't want to admit the fact that he abandoned the friendship long ago.

I'm realizing that at the core of our relationship, it was a ministry one. When we removed the shell of ministry, we had no other interaction. We shared no common interest outside of the call to community. Our ministry relationship was divorced and we continued forward living out the call separately. Now, God has brought us back together into a different context - both a part of a broader community collaborative, now representing separate organizations.

Honestly, it's hard for me to see him succeed because I feel like he chose that over our friendship. Could he have had both? Perhaps. Or maybe he needed to distance himself from me in order to remain in the good favor of the pastors he was networking with. And I think there's some bitterness in me there too. I'm glad to see the work of the public ministry succeed. But my heart is still there because it was an organization that God birthed out of the two of us.

I voluntarily stepped away from the organization so that it could succeed in its vision. But he should have fought for me. He should have defended me. And that admission is hurting me right now.

Discovering the Balance of Consistent Intimacy

I need to get laid.

There are many days when i'll call or text my close friend and the two of us will joke about that. We're joking because we're serious. It's fun to have a friend that I can be that honest and raw with who totally understands the feeling of just wanting to get %*$#@!@.

LOL, okay that's a bit crude, but still. It's true. There are times when that's what I want and that's all I can think about. But I suppose the question for me would be "In what context do I want to have sex?"

Is pre-marital sex okay? What about for those of us who can't be legally married either by the state or in most of our churches? What is marriage even? Is it okay to have casual sex? Can I just have a "hook up"? Is it wrong to have a f*ck buddy? Is there anything wrong with having 'friends with benefits'? If i'm having sex, will that just help me get my mind off being in a relationship? If and when I am in a relationship, when is it okay to have sex? Do I have to wait that long? Is it okay to have sex with two guys I care about? What do I consider sex? Is oral sex . . . sex?

No, in case you were wondering, I'm not writing about this because Eric's been getting "it". Sure, i'll admit, at times I'm horny as hell. But no, i'm not getting any action. Over the past two weeks, I've been having conversations with numerous people about these very questions . . . .

I was reflecting on some of my previous posts about sex and it's interesting to see my very first post on the subject two years ago and how my perspective and approach to sex has evolved.

Sexual morality.

I don't use that lens anymore. It's attached to judgment and there's tons of baggage attached to the words. (Ah! So the critics are right! The gay Christians don't have real morals!)

No. That's not what I mean.

I just think that sexual purity is not the goal of my journey. My exploration of sexual freedom isn't the goal either. The goal of my journey is and has been about exploring my authenticity. And part of that is sorting through the questions of sex and relationships.

My lifestyle is characterized more by my faith than my sexual orientation. So while I can be honest about my very real urges, decisions, and actions, I think it's important for me to process these things with my God. Therefore, I no longer use the lens of 'morality' in asking these questions. When I was a churchian, I held to morals defined by what I read and what people told me. But I could never fully own those morals because they weren't really mine. So now, I use the lens of 'genuine expressions of love' in examining these questions. I have found that this lens is more effective in discovering what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

I used to hold my virginity up like a trophy. When I lost it (years ago when I was still in the closet and so happened outside of a loving context), I felt regret. It was a virtue that I held on to for so long and after having that sexual encounter I felt like I gave in and showed my weakness.

I don't think that way anymore. Abstinence doesn't hold much substance for me if I can't own why it makes sense. And so I no longer see the choice not to abstain as a weakness. I see it as an experience that requires interpretation.

Keep in mind, I say all of this in the context that I'm not just freely having sex. Yes, I've had sexual encounters in my life but for me it's not about giving myself the freedom to do whatever I want. It's about giving myself the freedom to walk and learn from God the life intricacies of sexual intimacy and relationships.

It's not about a license. It's about a lesson.

Here's what I've learned so far. Asking questions and framing the issue in terms of whether or not certain sexual conduct is moral doesn't help me. What does help me is reframing the question in terms of What expresses genuine love most authentically?

The first thing I ought to own up to is assessing how I actually feel towards a person. Do I actually love him? Am I lusting him? Am I just crushing over him? Is this infatuation? These are things that I need to be honest with myself.

The next thing would be assessing how I choose to express those feelings. It would be inauthentic to express physical or sexual intimacy in a way that is inconsistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. What do I mean by this?

It's not about morality. It's about having balanced and consistent levels of emotional and physical/sexual intimacy. Is it okay to have sex before marriage? Well, if I reframe it with my new lens, I would say let's examine our intimacy levels. If i'm still getting to know a guy, then I am still in the early process of developing trust. This means that I have minimal emotional intimacy with him. If I then choose to have full-on sex with this guy, then my level of physical intimacy with him is way off. I barely know the guy, much less trust the guy. If I don't know him or trust him, then how can I actually be loving him?

However, if we've gone on a few dates with each other and we're both mutually discovering an emotional connection with each other, then it would make sense to kiss him because that form of physical intimacy is consistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. As the two of us continue to develop our emotional intimacy with each other, it would also make sense for our level of physical intimacy to increase accordingly and at the same pace.

I think that physical intimacy is a tangible expression of genuine emotional intimacy. I also think that emotional intimacy is the intangible substance of physical intimacy. I think marriage is a covenant that describes a relationship that has realized (and is committed to keeping and maintaining) emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy. If full-on sex is considered to be the highest form of physical intimacy, then it would be most consistent to do it while in a relationship that experiences the highest form of emotional intimacy with him. Marriage.

I know, i'm not exactly providing proof-texts for any of this. I'm just trying to unpack how I see the process and development of genuine love. I don't think it's realistic to say that a person completely loves someone in the beginning. It takes time. And balancing levels and forms of intimacy seems like the healthiest way to experience love in a relationship.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have all this down pat. I don't always keep it all balanced. But i'm not afraid of making mistakes or discovering for myself where those lines of consistent intimacy are. These are just things I'm thinking about - things that i'm learning as I try to figure it all out for myself. It's direction. I'm not having tons of sex. But when I do have a sexual encounter, i'm not feeling super guilty because I had the sex. I simply sit down with God and talk it through - this is what I did, this is why I did it, this is how it made me feel (emotionally, physically, spiritually), this is how I think it made him feel. And I try to use the lens of authenticity. If I was just plain horny, then I'll own up to it. If I actually had feelings for the guy, then was I physically expressing what I emotionally felt for him. If yes, what does that mean? If no, what does that mean? Did I do this out of temptation or out of affection?

This just has me honestly evaluating the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences of my intimate relationships.

So after all of this, I guess what i'm saying is that i'm not concerned about morality as much as I am concerned about authenticity.

Yes, there are times when I really feel like getting laid. Sometimes it's because I'm lonely. Sometimes it's because I had a really bad day and would like a distraction. Sometimes i'm just freaking horny. Sometimes it's because I'm longing for an intimate connection.

If i'm going to have sex, I want to at least be authentic with myself about why I'm doing it. It is these lessons that help me discover what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

I'd Rather Be Honest Than Impressive

Being authentic can be embarrassing. In fact, it can make me kinda want to be inauthentic just for the sake of not looking like a basket-case, or worse . . . desperate.

I'll try to resist the temptation of being fake. I went to a Jay Brannan show Saturday night (which was absolutely awesome!!!) and he sang a song with a lyric that truly resonated with me. He said, "I'd rather be honest than impressive."

At the end of the day, my journey has been about discovering my own authenticity - first with myself, then with you. Being in the closet for so many years produced a dualistic persona - neither the closet-Eric nor the public-Eric were completely me. Coming out, for me, has never been about accepting myself to be gay or even presenting myself to the world as gay. Coming out is about exploring my authenticity, not my sexuality . . . .

So despite how embarrassing and uncomfortable I can feel about unpacking something raw here on this blog, i'd rather be honest with myself about how I feel. Or at the very least, for right now, acknowledge the fact that I haven't been honest with myself. The truth is that lately, I've been consciously forcing myself to deny any feelings of interest towards a person because i'm thoroughly tired of being disappointed. I found myself yelling (at myself) in the car like a crazy schizo person, "What the hell are you doing? Stop it! No! Quit doing that! You are NOT going to start liking him!"

I've been trying to condition myself not to like anyone because I'm afraid of being hurt when I realize that the "interest" is simply a one-way crush. Yeah, that's a punch in the gut. I know i'm just trying to protect myself. It's probably best that I not date until I can get out of this mode of cynicism. Either way, I want to move on with my life. It's just that sometimes, I'm frickin fed up because I feel like I can't figure out what other friends around me who are coupled (or are connecting) seem to have figured out.

I dunno. I suppose I can't like him (and expect him to like me back) if I don't even like me half the time. I know, I know - that's not so attractive. I get it. I'm just writing this out so that I can get past it.

So where am I at now with this? Well, okay maybe I do like him. That's honest. But just because I do, it doesn't mean I have to express it to him. If he's interested, he'll have to make the first move in expressing it. By default, I'll assume he's not interested in me and we'll just become better friends. And what of authenticity? Hey, i'm taking baby steps here. So what if I'm a little guarded. Besides, I don't want to get sucker-punched again.

Road Trip Destination: Chicago, Illinois

Oh, I know! Finally, the long-awaited (by me) final blog post on the road trip has now arrived. LOL, almost two weeks after it happened. What can I say? I've had some readjusting to do after being back from vacation. Plus i've had some other blog-worthy thoughts and events since returning that may or may not make its way to a live post. We'll see. But this post here will be a long one (I warned you) because this part of the trip was full and it was fun! So bear with me if you've been following our journey and choose to read on. Plus be sure to check out the link to the full album of photos. =)

But here it was. The end of the road trip vacation!

Chicago was my favorite leg of the road trip. It was also the last destination before returning to Southern California. After Grand Rapids, Michael and I spent our Labor Day weekend hanging out in Chicago. It was fun because we got to do a little bit of everything.

We met up with a new friend and reconnected with another (both GCN'ers) for smoothies. We got to ride the "L" - Chicago's rapid transit system. We met some incredibly interesting yet random people. We had Chicago pizza. We saw some of Chicago's sites. We connected with other local GCN'ers. And we spent some time exploring how the Church could be reconciled with itself in regards to that ole' gay issue . . . .

As we entered Chicago, I could already tell that this was going to remind me of home. Well, at least, the part of home I try to avoid. I live in Long Beach which is roughly 30 miles south of Los Angeles. Without traffic, it could probably take 40-45 minutes to drive in to LA. However, with traffic, it'd take at least an hour or more to get to where we'd want to go. So I try to avoid LA if at all possible.

So when we first arrived in Chicago, we hit the Labor Day weekend traffic - all the people rushing home from work or rushing out of the city's madness.

Welcome to Chicago!

Nevertheless, it was quite exciting to be entering this city for the first time. It is so packed and condensed. We drove through Chicago's ghetto areas. We drove along the beach and waterfront. We drove passed the skyscrapers. We drove in bumper to bumper traffic. But it was really interesting to see the diversity of people on first impression - varying ethnicities, varying cultures, varying economic status, varying fashion, and varying personalities in both the people and in the city's structures. Very cool!

We were meeting up with a GCN'er named Michael for the first time. This is gonna get confusing so i'll refer to my travel companion as Michael and i'll refer to our new friend as Michael M. That'll do, right? So this is Michael M. We were quite excited to meet each other! Hehe.

Michael M. hung out with us on Friday afternoon and evening, then also all day on Saturday. So over the course of these days, I was continually very impressed as I got to know him a bit more - his heart, passion, and personality in action.

The three of us first hung out at this Hookah cafe place for some tasty smoothies. Michael really seemed tempted to try the Hookah for the first time, but he took a rain check. I took the opportunity to talk with Michael M. a lot about his experience going through one of the Marin Foundation courses. Remember Greg from Michigan? Greg works with the Marin Foundation quite a bit. In fact, even Becky is good friends with Andrew Marin. In a nutshell, Andy is this straight guy who just has a huge heart for the GLBT community (much like Becky). Through the foundation, he works to build bridges between the gay community and the religious community. But its his approach that is very interesting and some of us in Long Beach are considering bringing him here to do some of his work. I'll talk more about this at the end of this post. Michael M. went through one of the courses offered by the foundation geared for gay people. I really wanted to get his feedback from going through it so that I could assess its potential usefulness here in Long Beach.

Michael got to share some of his story with Michael M., as well as discussing his journey of examining the Side A/Side B Debate (see left side column links). Michael M. teaches music at a university so he is quite familiar with academia. It was also interesting to hear about some of his passion for music. He's a composer! Check out his Web site here.

As the three of us hung out, Shawn was on his way to meet up with us. Shawn is a GCN'er who lives outside of Chicago. We met in Southern California, first at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference at the end of June (I let him crash at my place for an evening after the conference), then a second time at the post-EC Conference GCN bonfire at the end of July.

After Shawn got off from work, he took the "L" to meet up with us and he had to use the restroom SOOOOO bad! It was funny because I told him we were going to the store to get him a box of Depend. It took him a while to find the cafe that we were at so when he finally found us, he post-poned the standard hugs and greetings and went straight for the restroom with us holding the door for him and waving him in the right direction so that he could find his relief.

Shawn's a character and he had me cracking up several times. He also hosted us the entire weekend. Not only did he let us stay at his place through the weekend (thanks Shawn!), he also hung out with us the whole time. It was fun getting to know Shawn's personality too (as well as his history).

We were starting to get hungry for dinner so we decided to make our way downtown for our first Chicago pizza (yes, for the Pizza Wars). It was my first time riding the "L"! Wow, I was in Chicago riding the elevated transit train passing by Wrigley Field. Sigh. While on the train, we had an absolutely fun time talking with these random strangers. Actually, it'd be more accurate to say that they were talking with us.

It was sooo fun! Michael and Shawn were sitting on one bench to my left (see picture above). Michael M. was sitting on the bench in front of me (pictured here on the right). The "L" made a stop and picked up a lot more passengers and along came this rather interesting couple. The woman sat next to Michael M. while the man sat right next to me. Almost immediately, the two of them began to engage us in conversation.

"Do you like my tattoo? Is it cool? Does it make me look hard? Do you like it? Awww, you don't like it! Does it look gay? Does it make me look faggy? It's cool, huh? Huh?"

The man was so overbearing with the almost immediate and random barrage of personal questions and comments but he did so with such charisma and friendliness that I totally thought it was all fun. So I engaged him back. I found out that the two of them had previously been divorced (not with each other). They met three years ago and have been committed to having fun and living life. They have two lists of things they want to do and experience. One list is a "good" list - the one you can tell the family about. The second list is their "bad" list - the crazy fetish type stuff. The funny thing was that he was sharing details about the kinds of things that were on their list and the things they've done and crossed off the list. It was so hilarious and fun because he showed absolutely no boundaries with me but was super friendly. He sat really close to me, shoulder to shoulder, and told me about their journey and asked me about mine. He wanted to know about the road trip and the places I've been and seen. He'd oscillate back and forth between telling me stuff on their lists to asking me about me then inquiring about whether or not I thought his girlfriend was hot.

The funny thing is that she was having a similarly humorous conversation with Michael M. "What do you think about my nipple ring?"

The whole experience was hilarious! And it was a fun random encounter with Chicago natives.

We finally got to downtown Chicago and we were surrounded by the towering skyscrapers above us as we walked along the sidewalks with the herds of people. We were all starving and we searched with minimal success for pizza places to eat that didn't have a hugely long wait. We settled on Pizzeria Due that had a 45 minute wait time. I'll comment on the pizza during our Pizza Wars post. However, it took absolutely forever to get our food! It's like all of Chicago goes out for pizza every night.

The rest of the evening after dinner was pretty uneventful since we knew that Saturday would be a full day. We took the "L" back to where our cars were, we parted ways with Michael M. who would join us for breakfast, then Michael, Shawn, and I drove out of the city to Shawn's place. By then, we were pretty tired.

Before the trip, I got in touch with a Two World Collision reader and fellow blogger ("A Journey of Reconciliation") - Michael R. Yeah, another Michael. Michael R. impressed me when he first made contact with me a few months ago. He recounted his own experiences and shared with me how many aspects of both our stories paralleled each other. Since he lives in "Boystown" - an area in Chicago largely populated by GLBT people, he agreed to show us around his neighborhood.

We all met for breakfast first at Ann Sather. I guess they are known for their huge cinnamon rolls that accompany every breakfast order. Soooooo good!

After breakfast he gave us lil' tour around Boystown as I asked numerous questions about the GLBT culture there. The bars and clubs and businesses are only one way of seeing the GLBT community in a city. In any city, I'm concerned with how people relate with one another. Do the G's, L's, B's, and T's get along? Do they interact well? How well do people of varying generations connect? Ethnicities? What kind of leadership does the community have? Can people meet new friends outside of the context of the bar or club?

It was interesting to see that while it does look like a cohesive community - as compared to others I've seen in West Hollywood, Long Beach, Palm Springs, Louisville, St. Louis, Grand Rapids - Boystown has much the same issues as every city i've been to when it comes to a need for a healthy relational understanding of one another as gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered individuals. That's been my theory - that fragmentation happens within the GLBT community (as well as in any community) because the sub-communities don't understand one another. When people don't understand one another, they tend to lack compassion for one another which leads to isolation or social fragmentation. One of my goals with Catalyst is to help catalyze a sense of compassion and interest in venturing into relationships outside of their comfort zone for the sake of building tangible community. What does this look like? That's what i'm exploring. And that's why i'd like to see if it already exists somewhere out there. This is something that I lack in my own life and i'd like to be more intentional about developing these kinds of relationships.

We had a great time walking up and down some of the streets of Boystown. We checked out some of the shops and stopped for ice cream. We even met up randomly with Tahir. He was walking up the sidewalk and Michael M. and Shawn both knew him and were surprised to see him so they started chatting. "Hey! It's good to see you! How's it going? Funny running into you here!"

I was just joking around and pretended like I knew him too. "Hey! It's good to see you! How's it going? Funny running into you here!"

Then Tahir says, "Actually, yeah, I know you. Author of Two World Collision dot blogspot dot com. Yeah, i know who you are."

I was shocked. Michael and I both looked at each other, "What the - ".

He introduced himself and I recognized his name. He had been reading this blog too and we started corresponding for awhile through email a couple times last year and this year. I didn't know what he looked like. I thought it was so funny because I was totally joking about knowing him. What are the odds that I'd actually know him? Talk about another random moment in Chicago!

Anyway, it was really good to meet Tahir.

We parted with Michael R. (for the afternoon only) and decided to see some Chicago sites so Michael, Shawn, Michael M. and I all went to see the Sears Tower. Apparently, it was the tallest building in the world for a time. Now I think it's 3rd or 4th tallest. It was interesting to visit because it's a business building in downtown Chicago that just happens to be super tall but it's also set up like an amusement park attraction.

There were the windy lines. There was a gift shop. There was a station where people can have nicely done photos taken. There were ticket booths. Then there was the elevator that led to the top of the Sears Tower. Before heading up, they crammed a large batch of people into a room that played a movie educating people about the history of the Sears Tower. Actually, this was smart of them because it had us appreciate it as more than just a really really tall building with a great view.

It was a great one, by the way. The view was awesome! From up top, there's a viewing room that let's you see Chicago from an amazing perspective. There were also maps of the city that showed you what buildings and sites you were looking at. It reminded me of St. Louis' arch.

Along the walls away from the windows, they displayed pictures of historical and notable Chicago people. It was an interesting presentation of honoring those who have contributed to shaping the city.

After leaving the Sears Tower, we ended up talking with a group of Mennonites outside the building. They had been there all weekend singing and witnessing and passing out literature. Most people would have passed by them without giving them a second thought or they would have engaged them in debate in regards to the right of gays to be acknowledged in the Church. But Michael M. really impressed me in the way that he spoke with one of them and genuinely tried to get to know him better. The result was that he was able to get to know Michael M. better. As the whole conversation unfolded between the two of them, Shawn, Michael and I just watched while Michael M. established authentic friendliness. He allowed this young 18 year old kid the opportunity to share his faith and story. That's what he was out there to do. Eventually, the kid discovered that we were gay Christians and we could tell that it made him pause. "Oh. Oh. Oh! You're . . . gay . . . Christians. Interesting. Um. All . . . of . . . you? Interesting. Okay. I . . . didn't . . . know."

I could actually see the wheels turning in his brain and learning that we were "gay Christians" almost short circuited him. But Michael M.'s approach and presence was so friendly and so disarming that the kid continued on with talking about God's love for all people and his own story. Seriously. I was absolutely impressed with Michael M. It was inspiring because he set an example of how we could shatter stereotypes by simply being willing to be authentic without overly emphasizing needlessly the fact that we're gay. During the conversation, two other Mennonites came over to hover as if to protect the kid. But as they stood by and watched their dialogue, I saw them gradually change their demeanor from "who are these guys and why are they talking to our guy" to a completely humble demeanor of "who are these brothers of ours". It was very interesting to see it all unfold. Eventually, Michael M. began talking with the other two Mennonites while the rest of us continued talking with the kid.

Anyway, this was another fun random encounter with strangers in Chicago and I was impressed by the leadership that Michael M. showed.

As we moved on from the Sears Tower, we wanted to go check out Millennium Park. There are some cool exhibits on display that attracts the crowds.

We took some time to get there though because it took us forever to find parking! That's something I noticed about Chicago. There is very little parking and for the ones that are available, you've gotta pay an arm and a leg for it. Granted, it was Labor Day weekend, but still. A friend of mine in Manhattan was telling me about how people need a mortgage broker in New York to help them find and secure a very small apartment - much less a condo or home. Here in Chicago, you've gotta get a mortgage broker to help you find and secure a parking spot! It's craziness!

Well when we finally got to Millennium Park, it was fun! We saw a fountain to take a photo in front of and we ended up having yet another random encounter with strangers.

Pictured here to the right is a trio of Children's Theatre performers. (LOL, every time I look at this photo I actually laugh out loud because of cutie Drew in the middle who poses like a dinosaur!) They are an acting troupe that travels around to do what they love. We started talking because both our groups wanted a group photo taken so we each happily snapped a shot of the other. We struck up a conversation with them and they turned out to be super fun people.

I shared with one gal for the majority of the time about our road trip and about how we are a part of a Gay Christian Network. She was incredibly compassionate about the way that gay believers are often displaced from their churches because of the issue. She comes from a religious fundamentalist background and so she's familiar with how hard it can be for people like us. Being in theatre, she's had many gay friends that have shared with her about how hard it's been for them. So she thought GCN was a great thing to be a part of and was glad that we're networking together to support and encourage one another. I wish and pray that more and more people within the mainstream Church would be like this gal - compassionate before judging. I sensed her genuine sincerity. It was fun sharing hearts about things we're both passionate about in the community.

One of my goals for the Chicago trip was to see the "Bean". I don't know if that's what it's actually called - but it looks like one. Several months ago, a friend of mine posted pics on Facebook from his Chicago trip and I was intrigued at seeing this bean looking structure. At the time, I had no idea that i'd be going on this trip but I knew that one day, i'd like to see and touch it for myself.

So the exciting thing for me is actually doing it! For a long time, i've always dreamed about experiencing things (like travel) but I never actually did it. So I feel like I missed out on alot of years. I don't want to dream anymore. I want to experience more. My goal recently has been to be intentional about stuff like that. So here I am, like that hilariously odd couple that we met on the "L", and i've got my metaphorical list of things I want to do and I'm crossing them off the list! And now i'm the one posting photos of it on Facebook!

Ooh! I can imagine . . . . one day i'll be sharing photos with you on this blog about visits to Paris, London, and Sydney! I can't wait!!!

Hehe, sorry, got a bit excited for a minute there.

After seeing Millennium Park, it was time to meet up with the others for dinner. Yes, we went out for more Chicago pizza. Again, it took absolutely forever to get seated, then to get our food. Chicago really likes their pizza!

But it gave us an opportunity for all of us to hang out, reconnect, or meet for the first time. This was a fun dinner because besides Michael, Shawn, Michael M. and I, we were joined by Andy Marin, Michael R., Troy (another Chicago GCN'er), and Earl (a TWC reader that I met through Facebook and have kept in touch with). It was a fun mix! Michael R. and Earl are now on GCN too! =)

After dinner, Michael R. made special arrangements with a friend of his to get us into a show to see the Blue Man Group. I've gotta say that this was totally awesome of Michael R. to do for us. (Thank you soooooo much Michael!!!!!) He got the five of us in - Michael, Shawn, Michael M., Michael R. and myself.

It was one of the best shows that I've ever experienced. It engaged all of my senses - even taste because I kinda up-chucked during a part of the show. It was fun and funny. I'm not going to spoil it by divulging details of the show but it really was amazing. I went in not having any idea of what to expect and I left having had a blast. We even took pictures with one of the blue guys!

After the show, Michael R. took us a few blocks to see his apartment. He shared with us a little about his family and friends through photos and I really got the impression that he loves the people in his life and they love him. He is a wonderfully sincere and nice guy! Hehe, so maybe he does have an "interesting" hobby but it may take him out to SoCal soon so I'll get to hang out with him when it does! =)

It was a full and fun day for the four of us and this would be the last time we'd see Michael M. during our time in Chicago. So on the ride back to drop Michael M. off at his car, what do these four gay Christian boys do? LOL, we sang songs from Aladin (rather they did) and we sang worship songs.

Sunday was our last day in Chicago and we'd be flying out later that afternoon. As our final point of connection, we met back up with Andy Marin for lunch - yes, for pizza. Hehe, well, they all knew about our Pizza Wars and so some of the Chicagoans disagreed about where the best Chicago pizza was served. So Andy had to take us out to his favorite!

I planned this meeting because I wanted to be able to talk with Andy more about the foundation and to hear more of his heart for what he's trying to do within the gay and religious communities. He was open with me about his story, open about some of the not-so-positive press he had gotten from a "gay" DJ (who has since been discredited by certain national GLBT organizations), and also open about his goals in forming the foundation.

Since he's a straight man, many people are concerned about what it is that he's about. Some gay people are concerned that he's advocating change. Some straight evangelical conservative people are concerned that he's advocating for the "gay lifestyle" (gag that phrase). Some are concerned that he's either both or neither. But at the same time, many more people on both sides of the spectrum and in between are excited about his approach and what he's trying to do. I can see why some would find him hard to read because he approaches the "issue" differently than most.

Andy doesn't make it a gay or a straight issue. He elevates the conversation above the politics and talks about more important things - spiritual growth while trusting Jesus to communicate to an individual His heart and will through a growing relationship with Him. At the end of the day, that's what Andy is concerned about. Here in Long Beach, i'm working with others from various organizations who want to navigate the "Hot Zone" and create a healthy dialogue within the Church about the taboo subject of gays in their midst. Andy could very well navigate this because he doesn't speak the language of politics. He speaks the language of bridge building. I can relate to this because I take the same approach with Catalyst and everything else. I think the key for all of us is to start teaching this new language to both sides of the bridge so that we can begin to talk with each other in the middle of that bridge.

This is my second long sit down with Andy. Several months ago, he was in Southern California and I sat down with him over dinner. He was pretty consistent in his message and his heart. He's sincere and i'm looking forward to working with him more.

And then it was over. We got to the airport, returned the rental, boarded our plane (which was on-time!), and returned to the Los Angeles area. Michael caught a connecting flight home to Santa Barbara and my friend picked me up and took me home to Long Beach.

Click here to see all the fun Chicago pics in my Facebook album!

During my first two days being back, I had a really hard time adjusting. Much of the drama that went on before I left was never resolved. Work was a crazy pit of mess - still. Plus I was still a bit irked because of that other situation. So I left home feeling all of these things. The vacation was a great respite. But now I return home still having to deal with all those feelings. I felt crappy for all of last week and half of this week. But now i'm starting to feel better and I'm moving forward.

I met soooo many people during this road trip vacation. I lost count but I suppose I could always go through all the Facebook photos to count 'em all up. So can you! Be sure to check out all of my Facebook photo albums in the section in the right column.

But the funnest part of the whole vacation was doing it yet again with a good friend of mine. Michael. It was fun times and i'm looking forward to the next one!

Road Trip Destination: Grand Rapids, Michigan

After visiting Indy last week, we drove up to Grand Rapids, Michigan on August 29th and 30th to hang out with Matt, Becky, Jane and Greg. We had just seen Becky in Louisville for her Ironman and I hadn't seen Matt in several months (when he was in SoCal) so I was way super excited to see them again!

Hehe, you can bet we drove the speed limit until we left the state of Indiana!

We did quite a bit of site seeing and museum visiting throughout our road trip so far, so we loved the idea of going to Michigan without any major plans. We enjoyed Matt's beautiful house, we caught up on some zzz's, we saw Lake Michigan, took some goofy photos (see link below), sampled the best pizza in Michigan, and checked out a gay club . . . .

As we drove in to Michigan, it was so awesome to see the fresh green trees and clear blue skies. Gosh, it's a beautiful state!

Matt let us stay at his place and I've gotta say that it was absolutely amazing. His house is humongous! He gave us a tour and it seemed like every time we turned a corner we entered a whole new wing of the house. Okay not really but kinda. What took my breath away was seeing his backyard. He has a deck that leads to a huge back yard with tall trees and the yard extended all the way back to a small lake with a small pier or dock, ducks and everything! It was gorgeous! There are no dividing walls or hedges between the neighbors so it looks like everyone just has the hugest back yard area and they all share the lake.

Wow!

So after seeing the place, Michael and I decided that we really didn't need to see any sites or museums in Michigan. Instead we wanted to just relax and enjoy a peaceful couple of days in Michigan. It was, after all, our vacation!

On the first night when we arrived and met up with Matt, he drove us out to Grand Haven to see the pier off Lake Michigan and to see a show called the Musical Fountain. It's weird to see a lake where you can't see the other side. There were even waves that crashed into the pier. Michael almost got swept away! It was like being at the ocean except the water and air wasn't salty. Interesting.

The Musical Fountain was a nice water show with lights and music. It was a fun family atmosphere. After the show, we all got some ice cream and enjoyed the nice evening. Oh and there were tons of stars visible peppering the night sky with a full moon. I had a great time!

Matt's a terrific host and friend. These were week days so he had to go in to work during the day but he let us make ourselves at home. We got to sleep in until we woke up - without the aid of any stinkin' alarm clock. I got up before Michael so I spent some time sitting in front of the lake watching the ducks and then I had a bowl of Cheerios on the backyard deck to enjoy a still and crisp morning.

Sigh!

We took our time getting ready for the day and we eventually met up with Matt during his lunch break. We went to Yesterdog - that hot dog/chili dog hang out that was featured in American Pie. It had been a while since I saw the movie so I didn't realize that the movie was set in East Grand Rapids. So that was cool. I really liked the place though. It felt like being in the bronx (as if i've ever been) but in Michigan. When we arrived there were a ton of customers so the employees squeezed everyone inside hollering their instructions and they just started taking mass orders for food. When it was ready, they'd yell out, 'who had the ultradog?!' or 'who had the two yesterdogs?!' It was awesome! Eventually we got our food and enjoyed our thoroughly unhealthy heart clogging chili cheese dogs.

(And yes, i gained SO much weight on this road trip vacation!!! - ugh.)

After lunch, Matt went back to work. I spent the afternoon at the library catching up on Internet stuff while Michael stayed at the house doing laundry. It was rather nice because it was like living there (for a day). By the time evening came and Matt returned from work, the three of us went over to Becky and Jane's house (which is also gi-normous!) for dinner. Michigan isn't really known for its pizza so at first it seemed that Michigan wouldn't be in our road trip Pizza Wars but then we discovered that Jane makes a terrific spinach artichoke pizza. Yummers! So it'll make the review.

Jane is a super fun gal! She's Becky's room mate. What I love about her is her support for Becky. I first met Jane down in Louisville for Becky's Ironman and it impressed me to see how much of a rock she is for Becky. She not only cheers her on but she walks with Becky in the pursuit of her goals. She keeps her on schedule. She encourages her. She supports her. She reminds her of why she's doing the race. In fact, during the Ironman, Jane literally walked along side Becky during the race for, what?, 13 miles? So Jane got points with me - plus, i love her smile and not to mention the pizza!

It was so much fun hanging out at Becky's place. This was the first time that Matt, Becky and I were in the same place at the same time. Matt and I first met through this blog. He had been reading Two World Collision and it was in an email on September 27, 2005 that he first introduced himself to me as a fellow journeyer. We began a dialogue and stayed in touch and we've been friends ever since! Almost a year after that first email, Matt came out to SoCal from Michigan and we met for the first time. (Read about that awesome time here.)

It was through Matt that I got connected with Becky a couple months later. They were both friends over there in Michigan and Matt told Becky about Two World Collision. We made contact and I soon discovered Becky's awesome heart for the GLBT community as a straight ally. She loves us. Period. Because God loves us. So how can she not? That's what I love about her. "Love Wins" is a phrase she adopted from the church she is a part of out there (Mars Hill). I've written about her before so hopefully by now you know that she is an amazing triathlete. If you can only get to know her, you'll discover that she has a heart of gold. She makes me laugh! We finally got to meet each other just a few months ago. (Read about that awesome time here.)

It's crazy how I developed such good friendships with Matt and Becky separately before me even meeting either of them. It probably helped that the two of them are good friends. But as time went on, we just had a connection. It wasn't that we talked every single day - if you know me at all, my life is too crazy busy to be able to manage that. But it was more that we all had this common thread of relating to the colliding worlds of faith and sexuality and we were each willing to walk with each other (in a way) on that journey. So meeting Matt was awesome. Then meeting Becky was awesome. And it was on this trip that the three of us were finally together at the same time and we were able to take an actual photo with all of us present. If you're gonna know me a bit more through this blog, then you've gotta know that these two people hold a very special place in my heart.

(Cue the 'Awwwww' in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - Go!)

Awwwwwwwwww!!!

Then there's Greg. Greg inspired me. He's a friend of Becky's and Matt's so of course he's gotta be a good guy. But really, I was inspired by his sincere heart for connecting with "his" gay community. He does so with such love! It was still a week night and Matt and Becky both had work the next day. Greg was planning on going to a club called Diversions for Karaoke night and he invited Michael and I to join him. Since we wanted to see what 'gay areas' were like in different cities along our road trip, this turned out to be a perfect opportunity to see what it was like in Grand Rapids.

It looked like a fun two story club. Upstairs there was a bar and a Karaoke system set up. Downstairs there were several rooms - one with billiards and another with a dance floor. In appearance, I was surprised that many of the guys reminded me of West Hollywood guys. But I was also interested to see that the club overall was pretty diverse. Perhaps it was that particular night or maybe it's like that all the time but there was a pretty good mix of guys, gals, older, younger, mostly white but some hispanic, black and asian.

The thing that really impressed me about Greg was seeing him in his element. He's the guy that is friends with or knows mostly everyone at the club. He had people coming up to greet him and talk with him or catch up with him or schedule a time to hang out. Greg would tell us snap shots into each person's story and knowing those stories added dimension to each person that I was looking at - and that increased in me a sense of compassion. That's what was inspiring to me - the fact that he knew them and they knew him. I saw a sincerity in his interaction with them though. He wasn't simply there "as a witness" (gag). He was there in community with them. He was them. He was there to love. Period.

After leaving the club, Michael and I talked for quite a while processing what we had seen that night and throughout the road trip and what we sensed God revealing to us. One of the things that I had been processing is the fact that I can't do everything that I'd like to do in the community on my own. Seeing Greg helped me to realize that I need someone like Greg here in Long Beach.

I've known for some time now that part of the (Catalyst) vision that God has for me in building bridges to enable community and connections is that relationships need to be developed in the mainstream church community, in the gay Christian community, and in the gay community. For the past several months, I've been investing in building gay Christian community. I think i'm planning on writing more about all that in a future post soon. Years ago before I came out, I started investing in the mainstream church community. After leaving that organization I helped start, my ministry co-partner at the time continued our efforts and still maintains those relationships. I've only touched the surface in building relationships in the gay community.

The thing is - I feel pretty comfortable in continuing to build relationships within the gay Christian community. But it's somewhat awkward for me to try and rekindle relationships I had within the mainstream church community. And I feel like I don't have time to delve into a whole other web of social networks within the gay community (although, i'd like to). So in talking and processing with Michael, I think that God was showing me that I don't necessarily have to try to work within all three communities. If I connect with my old ministry co-partner who has the relationships with the mainstream church community, and if I connect with someone who already has a web of natural relationships in the broader gay community, then the three of us can explore together how we might forge relational bridges among the three communities in the "Hot Zone".

So that's something that I'm still processing and chewing on right now. You may read more about it later.

Our time in Grand Rapids, Michigan was amazing. It was so good to reconnect with friends and to make new ones. If you'd like to see tons of other super fun and goofy pictures that we took here, be sure to check them out here at my facebook album!

Labor Day weekend was approaching and we were preparing for the next leg of our road trip.

Next stop - Chicago, Illinois!

Wanting Someone To Choose Me

Pardon me, but I'm interrupting this series of road trip vacation blog posts to process some raw thoughts that i've been having since before I left for this trip. Things and thoughts have kinda escalated since then and i'm feeling pretty crappy about things. I'll resume the posts about the vacation soon - we left Louisville, KY and have been in Indianapolis, IN for the past couple days. We leave in the morning for Grand Rapids, MI. So stay tuned for that because i'll have pics to share.

For right now though, I just need to be real.

I think i'm feeling pretty romantically rejected. Jeez, what the frickin' hell is wrong with me? I mean, seriously. It's like i'm the freak that NO ONE in their right mind would consider dating. Am I really that hard to connect with? How can I NOT feel undesirable when every time I begin to develop feelings for someone, it is NEVER mutual? For long, at least. I mean, damn it!

Sigh.

Okay, so what the hell happened to Eric this time?

Remember almost two weeks ago, I briefly mentioned that I was hanging out with this guy that really peaked my interest? I said that we had both expressed interest in each other and we were just taking things slow and that we connected on many levels, blah blah blah. Well, I received a message from this guy about a week and a half ago saying that he and his ex were "working things out" . . . .

What the frickin' hell is up with that? We hung out several times and both expressed interest in each other. We both articulated feeling like we both connect. And so now he's revisiting potentially getting back with his ex-boyfriend? So here's the thing. He spent enough time with me to figure out whether or not he wants to spend more time with me. And yet, after that he chooses to go back to the guy he broke up with rather than continuing to connect with me.

Here's the kicker too - this past Sunday night I received a phone call from the ex-boyfriend saying, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't text my boyfriend." WTF? First of all, he never communicated to me that they were "boyfriends" again. He simply told me that they had been talking and working things out. Whatever. Secondly, who the hell does he think he is? He's marking his territory like some kind of animal pissing around and telling me to stay away from his man. And this is the kind of possessive machismo guy (who is too insecure about his "boyfriend" receiving text messages and hanging out with someone else) that he chooses to continue working things out with instead of choosing to connect with me further? Plus, he couldn't tell me himself? I had to hear it from the exboyfriend that he's no longer the ex and he tells me to back off?!

Do you see how this can make me feel both angry and frickin unwanted? From what he discovered about me thus far was not enough for him to want to choose me.

Is it so bad to want someone to choose me?

I must sound utterly pathetic. The confusing part is that when I take a step back and look at myself, I don't see someone who is pathetic. I don't see a loser. I don't see this guy who no one in their right mind would want to date. I do think I'm a catch. I think. Wait, right?

In one instance, I crushed on a guy who I had been getting to know for a year and we were good friends. I was hopeful because I *thought* that I was seeing certain "signals" of interest. It became clear that he doesn't see me as anything more than friends. After knowing me, he didn't choose me.

In another instance, I started communicating with someone over a period of months. At the time, we were mutually interested and even, for a time, were physically affectionate towards one another. But eventually, he wanted to just be friends. After connecting with me, he didn't choose me.

In three other (separate) instances, I went on some dates with guys that I just didn't feel a connection with.

In the most recent instance with the one and his ex, I was really hopeful about this one. He really did make me smile inside. We had common interests, common heart, common passion, common vision, common interest in each other. But he still didn't choose me.

There was also this guy that I had been interested in but we hadn't really spent much time with each other yet because I wasn't around all that much. But I was definitely interested in this guy. So much so that I was even ready to ask him out on a date after vacation. Well tonight, I spoke on the phone with a good friend of mine who hesitantly told me that this guy that i'm interested in just sent my friend an email asking him for a date. Another guy who didn't choose me.

Why is it so hard for me to get on someone's radar? Why is it so hard to experience a mutual connection with someone and to have that progress further? I've never been in an actual relationship. I've gone on dates but I've never had a boyfriend. Why?

It seems like I tend to crush on guys that are unavailable or not ready for a relationship. At least, that is, that's just what they're telling me. Maybe they are just watering down the fact that they simply are not *in to* me.

I dunno. This just sucks though. It's not that I'm desperate. It's that I want to feel connected with someone more intimately than the hundreds of platonic friendships that I have. Is it okay to just want to be with someone of whom we could walk through life together? Is it okay just to want someone to like me enough to want to court me?

To be honest, there's a part of me that seriously wants to just give up on the hope of a romantic relationship. I'd like to just say screw it all! I'll stay single.

Look. I know I'm not perfect. I know I haven't figured all this out. I'll be the first to admit that i'm still trying to navigate these relationship waters. There are times when I crush. There are times when I fall for someone. There are times when I just enjoy good fun with someone (for a time). But at the end of the day, I just want something mutual and reciprocal.

Is that much to ask for?