These are the chronicles of my journey into two clashing worlds - being Gay and being Christian. Both seem hostile to each other and those of us who are trapped in the middle are left with having to live two separate lives. We live in the reality of having a genuine faith in God but also having same sex attractions that are extremely hard to deny or ignore. Where is the peace in the midst of confusion? Where do we fit when our two worlds collide?
I spent the Memorial Day Weekend with some pals in Santa Barbara, CA and we saw a guy, Jerry Matteo, giving out free hugs as part of the Free Hugs Campaign. I gladly gave him a huge hug and thanked him for what he's doing.
[Note: Scroll down to see Daniel Powter's video for "Bad Day" on YouTube and the lyrics.]
Damn it. Sigh. I'm sorry, it's just that . . . I just need a break. I'm waiting for something to break. I've been feeling pretty crappy for the past several weeks now, with a few patches of fun and smiles here and there. What's going on?
Among the emotional rollercoaster, there's also the work drama. There will be elections for new Board members in February so that means everyone's got an agenda. No one can be trusted, really. The office manager/accounting person just resigned yesterday and so no one trusts that the budget and ledger is accurate. People are out to "get" each other. Plus, i've got my own agenda . . . .
I woke up at 5AM (today) yesterday, early Tuesday, and got to work by 6AM to get a report done. It was needed for the Board of Director's meeting. Also discussed at the Board meeting was the reclassification of my job. I mentioned a few days ago that I'm not being paid consistent to the work I've been producing. I'm doing the work of a job five categories above my current classification which is a huge salary difference.
I've been and still feel undervalued there but at the same time, I feel compelled to do well - at what ever I do! I believe that God calls us to a standard of excellence in the work place and so that very different paradigm and approach has led to fruitful results, compliments from superiors, and the favor of my boss'. I don't think it's unfair to ask them to pay me accordingly. In fact, i'm not asking for a raise, per se, just that they would reclassify me to the more appropriate position (which has a higher salary scale).
With all the craziness and politics that's going on in the office right now, the Board tabled the discussion about my reclassification until next month. I don't mean to be a brat and all - but hell, that puts me off and it means another month of working for less than I'm giving. I know, i know, I can see a spiritual lesson coming out of this. Virtue and righteousness aside (but by no means devaluing them), on the whole i'm feeling pretty taken for granted - not just at work but at home, in life, in relationships.
I'm weary and i'm starting to shut down.
I guess I feel like i'm running out of gas - going on fumes and I just need to be ministered to, encouraged, hugged. On the surface, it kinda sounds selfish but it just feels like I give and I give and I give and I really don't mind giving - it's just that I long for it to be mutual and reciprocal. Isn't that fair?
I've acknowledged before and still do appreciate special people to me who have been supporting me lately. This post is not referring to them! I love you soooo much! (I'm just venting now.)
So anyway, i'm waiting for something to break. Is it just a season? Am I doing something wrong? Am I being wronged? Perhaps, it's all three. Either way, I can see that i'm starting to get a little bitter and I'm finding that I've got less strength to give out. I don't like being in this place.
But alas, the journey continues. After work today, I was bummed so I felt pretty anti-social. I avoided the gym (again) and went home, ate more than I should have (comfort food), and fell asleep early. I woke up at 2:30AM and here I am an hour later. I've got work in the morning - and *sigh* it's only Wednesday.
I finally have a reason to post this old favorite song "Bad Day" from Daniel Powter. I think I discovered him through Yahoo's Lauchcast videos a while back before it hit mainstream popularity. I saw it when they featured him as a new artist to watch and I loved him and the video immediately! Guess, they were right because the world caught wind of him soon enough.
He came out to LA a few month's ago to do a live radio performance for STAR 98.7 FM and for the first time performed a new song of his called "Love You Lately" (see the video at his site here). I got it on iTunes and i'm loving it as one of my new fav's! In fact, i'm listening to it now. So anyway, when he was on that show here in LA, he also did "Bad Day" and he explained that when he wrote the song, it wasn't just talking about having a bad day at the office. Rather, he said that it talks about how we have bad seasons in our lives when we hit low low times, even rock bottom. That's one of the reasons why I was attracted to the song back when I discovered it because I am all too familiar with low times and rock bottom.
Gosh, as bad of a day today (yesterday) was, it's amazing to see how God lifted me out of bad seasons - there was the suicide, not to mention 2001, and also one year ago, plus the days here or there along the journey of this past year and a half. The thing is - God always orchestrated these extremely difficult times to lead to amazing blessings. I've learned that closed doors always lead to opened doors because we are always traveling - always journeying towards Him.
He truly has been and is my Rock!
Bed time. It's 4:18AM and I've gotta get up for work in 3 hours at 7:00AM.
Here's to the bad days and bad seasons that God carries us through:
Where is the moment we needed the most You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost They tell me your blue skies fade to grey They tell me your passion's gone away And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low You're faking a smile with the coffee to go You tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces everytime And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday The point is they laugh at what you say And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink And the whole thing turns out wrong You might not make it back and you know That you could be well oh that strong And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most Oh you and I You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day You've seen what you like And how does it feel for one more time You had a bad day You had a bad day
Had a bad day Had a bad day Had a bad day Had a bad day Had a bad day
[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics for "All the Same" by Sick Puppies and the YouTube video for the Free Hugs Campaign.]
Compared to last week, this week was alot better. Definitely! However, Friday went pretty badly and I ended up leaving work early (about 1pm) out of protest. Long story. Either way, I could sure use a hug right about now. How about you?
This awesome song is called "All the Same" by Sick Puppies. I found that I connected deeply with the lyrics of this song and it brought up alot of the emotions and memories that I mentioned before about Riverside. There were so many times back then when I felt so alone and I felt like I was abandoned by my friends.
A hug is the simplest form of physically expressing love, intimacy, and compassion. At times, that's all I ever wanted back then. Still do.
Here are the lyrics of the song . . . .
"All The Same" by Sick Puppies
I don't mind where you come from As long as you come to me I don't like illusions I can't see Them clearly
I don't care no I wouldn't dare To fix the twist in you You've shown me eventually What you'll do
I don't mind... I don't care... As long are you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by Till you decide to come However long you stay Is all that I am
I don't mind... I don't care... As long are you're here
Go ahead tell me you'll leave again You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's always the same
Go ahead say it you're leaving You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's all the same
I spent the Memorial Day Weekend with some pals in Santa Barbara, CA and we saw a guy, Jerry Matteo, giving out free hugs as part of the Free Hugs Campaign. I gladly gave him a huge hug and thanked him for what he's doing.
Free Hugs in Venezuela
