The Other Half of the Whole of Me

[Note: Scroll down for Jay Brannan's YouTube video of "String-a-long Song" and lyrics.]

Sometimes I feel like I can't say certain things here at TWC. Yeah, I know, it's my own fault. Along this journey of mine, I voluntarily traded my anonymity for my authenticity. Yet in that process, I guess it just makes me want to hold back a bit because blogging isn't just an outlet anymore - it's a place for me to be known. And that's kinda scary.

I did hate being in the closet. I hated the double life. I hated being hidden. I hated the fact that no one knew what was going on in my head. I felt unknown. Maybe that's why some people's coming out experience is so extreme - the clubs, the dancing, the drinking, the expression of formerly shackled emotions and the freedom from inhibitions. If coming out is an announcement of self, then here I blog . . . .

But I feel like I've been holding back the past several months. When I first started this blog, I was pretty raw with my thoughts and emotions along this journey. Over the past several months, I'll admit that I've talked more about vision and community and passion and less about personal heart ache, struggle and vice.

There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. I'm juggling quite a bit and i'm honestly not complaining. I feel alive, at least. I remember when I didn't feel anything at all. That's for another post. Today, in the midst of crazy busyness of connecting with people, casting vision for the community, rekindling plans for my non-profit Catalyst, hosting another social gathering tonight, and getting ready for Long Beach (GLBT) Pride tomorrow, I feel inspired, excited and full. But if i'm wanting to be fully authentic with you, that's not ALL that i'm feeling. I'm also feeling alone, frustrated and kinda angry. I'm not a basket case. That's just the other half of the whole of me that I sometimes unconciously keep in the closet.

I'm a new fan of Jay Brannan (thanks to Drew!). I find that I relate with his lyrics at some level. I like him because he's raw. I miss being raw. And for this day, his "String-a-long Song" articulates how i've been feeling for the past several months but have intentionally held back from here before. He starts with a bit of personal intro and announcement (which I love when he does that in his videos) then the song follows. Here ya go....




"String-a-long Song" Music & Lyrics by Jay Brannan

to the boy who should've loved me
from the boy you could've had
i promise not to send this letter
i wouldn't want you to feel bad
for not opening your heart to me
for your unavailability
i guess you're not required to like me
but did you fake it just to spite me?

pre-chorus
well, here's a little string-a-long song for you
so give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy, and string-a-long with me too

chorus 1
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
although your disinterest kinda came as a surprise cuz
you could see the sin and the sadness and taste the gin and the madness
on my lips and in my eyes, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end

well, the flake syndrome is an epidemic that spans the globe from town to town
but i can't figure out why you'd put forth such an effort to win me over just to turn me down
cuz your words are so soft and sweet, but your actions are screaming
and if you see me waiting around for you,
hope you also see you're dreaming

pre-chorus

chorus 1

bridge
i know you'll break my heart
i know i'll fall apart
i know cuz this is how it starts
and maybe it's wrong of me
to wish that we could be
but your kiss matched mine so perfectly

pre-chorus

chorus 2
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
i wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
the truth is i wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, i owe you one of the few i got left of my nine lives, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end

© 2004 Great Depression Publishing (BMI)