I'm Sorry I Hurt You So Much

So my friends Peterson and Christine have been working like crazy over the past year (or more?) on putting together beyondexgay.com and planning the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference that is happening this weekend.

Today, there was a Press Conference at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Los Angeles, CA and I had the honor of being invited to be a part of it.

As reported by BeyondExGay.Com, "Three former ex-gay leaders issued public apologies for the roles they played in ex-gay ministries affiliated with Exodus International. They also shared portions of their personal stories. The event was covered by members of local and national news media including CNN and Azteca America."

I was honored to be among the ex-gay survivors who went up to receive and accept the apology letter. I was quite moved by the experience . . . .

After the Press Conference, we were all available for interviews. I was interviewed by the Advocate. I talked about my own experiences going through an ex-gay program. One of the things I shared with her (as well as with the reporter from the OC Weekly yesterday) was that I realized the mixed message that these ex-gay programs (and the Church) were giving me. The mixed message was that of God's unconditional love and the Church's conditional acceptance that was dependent on conforming to their interpretation or version of "wholeness".

God loves you. But we will ONLY IF you embrace heterosexuality. Even if you don't actually become straight, we want you to look straight (to us).

That's the kind of thing that fractures our identities. I mean, goodness, I attempted suicide before the ex-gay program because I hated being what I was. How much more damaging can it be after an ex-gay program affirms that self-hatred?

Oh but don't worry, at least God loves you.

They tell us when we enter the ex-gay program that we're broken because we're gay. I realized that instead, they were the ones who broke me further when they encouraged me to manipulate my personal and sexual identity.

Be straight. Or at least let me think you're straight.

Sorry! I can tell i'm getting bitter about all this! But that's why this Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is so important! People need to know how these programs can cause such trauma.

My journey now is about exploring authenticity. Discovering the real me. Loving and accepting the real me. Presenting the real me.

The experience at the press conference and accepting this apology from these ex-ex-gay leaders was surreal. I found that many emotions resurfaced from when I was desperate enough to try to be straight. I found myself close to crying when I shook hands and hugged them! If I can find the time to sit down and process things, i'll try to write up a blog to revisit some of those emotions.

In the mean time, please keep praying for me, the conference, and especially for Peterson and Christine as God continues to position them as a voice for "ex-gay survivors" like me.

Here's the text of the formal apology, as reported by Peterson:

Statement of Apology from Former Exodus Leaders
Issued by Darlene Bogle, Michael Bussee, and Jeremy Marks
June 27, 2007

As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong withvbeing gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations.

We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology.

We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long-term effects of their ministry.

Questioning The Answers

Being objective is harder than i thought. Especially when I want to conclude that committed, covenantal, monogamous, and loving gay relationships are not a sin. I know I've got alot of questions .... questions that i pose in this blog as well as in conversations with new and old friends. I'm realizing, however, that the thing that is causing me to grow the most - yes, even causing me to grow closer to Christ - is the journey of asking these questions and not in the revelation of answers.

I'm sure the answers will come. God will grant me understanding in His full timing. But it's in questioning the answers I previously held dear that has allowed me to go down this road. At first, i was scared to go down this path of what seemed like a "crisis of faith" (it sometimes still scares me), but i'm not as afraid because i don't view it as a crisis - i see it as a "coming of faith". I believe that this journey of seeking the Lord's heart and intent for me, as well as seeking the Lord's Truth, is the very thing that will strengthen my faith.

Brandon hosts an awesome blog called BadChristian.Com. His most recent post talks about these very things - explaining why he started his blog and why it's called "Bad Christian". I encourage all of you to make your way there. It's not a "gay-themed" blog per se, but his process for thinking about "the Church" as a whole and the things we do as "local churches" is incredibly refreshing. Reading today's post helped make things a little more clear about my own process and journey of asking questions.

A few days ago, I had the blessing of speaking to Justin, the Executive Director and Founder of GCN - Gay Christian Network, on the phone. He believes that committed gay relationships are not a sin. I've found GCN to be balanced with a whole community of people with differing views - some who believe as Justin does, others who believe that we should be celibate (see The Great Debate here), and yet others who simply don't know.

I just read and took notes from an essay that Justin wrote that supports his position. Next I will read and take notes from an essay that Ron wrote that supports the position of celibacy for homosexuals. I'm going to start analyzing each side (in addition to utilizing the other resources i've discovered) while praying through each point for myself and so you will most likely see my process through this on this blog from time to time.

As I said, being objective is harder than I thought. I've read Justin's position and he makes so many awesome points. And I want it to be right. But I know that Ron will also make some awesome points as well. In fact, analyzing both sides like this will most likely drive me crazy from a myriad of great points and ideas and prooftexts supporting both sides. However, as Justin advised me on the phone, I need to study and pray through this on my own. And as Brandon suggests in his blog, I need to question the answers - even if they are the answers that I want to hear.

My hope is that in this process and journey, I can find peace in this conflict where my two worlds collide.