Authentic Expressions of Love

Compromise.

One of the biggest fears I had when I was in the closet was that if I entertained the notion of being gay, then that meant compromising the fundamental beliefs that I held so dear. When I realized that it was okay for me to journey through my questions and fears and beliefs and things that seemed to define me, it was important to me that I remained solid in my faith.

But when we talk about sex, sometimes the assumption seems to be that engaging in it is crossing a spiritual line that reveals a faltering of faith. I see it differently.

A couple weeks ago, I talked about sex and how I didn't use the lens of sexual morality anymore. I was just unpacking what I had been thinking and processing about at the time and I've continued chewing on these things. I appreciate the comments from friends in that post and have considered those things as well - particularly the concepts of sexual integrity and relativistic morality.

Is the act of sex a compromise of sexual integrity? Is having sex an indication of having loose morals? Is saying that I think it's okay to have sex a demonstration of relativism?

In context to my post about discovering that balance of consistent intimacy, to those questions I'd answer both yes and no . . . .

Yes, I believe in sexual integrity. No, I do not believe that having sex in the context of genuine love is immoral.

I may say that I don't look through the lens of sexual morality but that doesn't mean I lack it. Rather, it means I own it differently.

When it comes to sex, the issue i'm concerned about is expressing genuine love authentically. I think scripture that talks about sex is raising this very issue. I'm realizing that before all this, I defined my sexual morality based solely on the "letter of the law" - which pretty much said (not in these words), 'Don't have sex with anyone who is not your spouse'. The emphasis there seemed to be the 'Don't have sex' part. The translation here for me used to be that if I did have sex, then I was being immoral. But what i'm realizing now is that my sexual morality needs to go deeper than that. I think the "spirit of the law" always has as a foundation authentic expressions of love. On the subject of romantic love, there is a context for sexual physical activity that is moral.

That being said, I'm not using the lens of "sexual morality" because to me the phrase is too closely attached to the "letter of the law". That lens is not useful for me because there doesn't seem to be an answer to the question of when it's moral to have sex. I prefer to use the lens of "love" because that requires me to be authentically honest with myself about whether or not it's actually love that i'm experiencing or if it's a lesser form of love (lust) or a premature form of love (genuine romantic care and interest) or an immature form of love (infatuation or crush). The question for me is what kind of physical expressions of intimacy match each of those forms? As Peterson alluded to in his comment in the other sex post, perhaps there are appropriate expressions of physical intimacy or even sexuality that are not sexual acts.

This is what I meant in my previous post about sex. I said that emotional intimacy should be consistent with physical intimacy - both growing at the same pace. If we're using that old baseball diamond illustration describing phases of sexual accomplishment - "getting to" first base, second base, third base, and home plate, (holding hands, kissing/making out, feeling each other up, having sex) then I would include the emotional elements of the relationship to match each base. As the relationship develops (not necessarily marked by time or events but rather by genuine love and trust), each physical milestone (base) matches up with each emotional realization of love in the relationship. So hitting a "home run" on the first or second date is no longer a trophy nor worthy of significant applause.

At the height of a developing relationship, there is marriage - that covenant relationship keeping and maintaining emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. (For those using that "other" lens, this would describe reserving sex until marriage.)

In my opinion, this new lens of love and consistent expressions of intimacy does describe "sexual integrity".

However, the other issue that I raised was that of finding the balance. It's not so easy. For one, I don't have a whole lot of sexual experience so I'm just honest about the fact that I'm trying to figure out what kinds of physical intimacy parallel certain emotional feelings. The other thing that I'm just honest about is the fact that sometimes I want to have a sexual encounter that is detached from emotional feelings. So yes, there are times that I want to 'hook up'. That doesn't mean that I actually do every time I want it. That just means I've gotta figure out what to do with those desires when they do occur. If I do decide to 'hook up', i'm not excusing it as acceptable and i'm not relativistically shifting my moral compass to accommodate my behavior. Rather, i'm owning up to the fact that it's not an authentic expression of love and it's something that I must have a conversation with my God about.

Secondly, I don't think that sexual activity is a lack of sexual integrity. If i've already lost my virginity, does that mean I forever lack sexual integrity? No. It's not about "having sexual integrity" (or losing it once a certain activity occurs) but rather it's about "learning sexual integrity". This is the difference between fooling myself with a license to have sex versus learning the lessons and consequences of having sex.

So I'm saying that I'm not afraid of having sex simply because it's sex. I'm saying that using the lens of love helps me to balance appropriate expressions of intimacy. I'm also saying that I'm giving myself room to figure it all out so that I can grow and learn.

As I continue my journey, I am thankful for friends who share my desire to be faithful to the desires of God. I don't want to walk the tight rope of relativism. I've always believed that conversations about sex should be had within our spiritual communities so that we can speak into each other - this way, there would be far less Christians turning to unhealthy outlets. This is all a continuous process for me of chewing on thoughts, learning lessons, and figuring out how to live out this lifestyle of faith as a gay Christian.

Discovering the Balance of Consistent Intimacy

I need to get laid.

There are many days when i'll call or text my close friend and the two of us will joke about that. We're joking because we're serious. It's fun to have a friend that I can be that honest and raw with who totally understands the feeling of just wanting to get %*$#@!@.

LOL, okay that's a bit crude, but still. It's true. There are times when that's what I want and that's all I can think about. But I suppose the question for me would be "In what context do I want to have sex?"

Is pre-marital sex okay? What about for those of us who can't be legally married either by the state or in most of our churches? What is marriage even? Is it okay to have casual sex? Can I just have a "hook up"? Is it wrong to have a f*ck buddy? Is there anything wrong with having 'friends with benefits'? If i'm having sex, will that just help me get my mind off being in a relationship? If and when I am in a relationship, when is it okay to have sex? Do I have to wait that long? Is it okay to have sex with two guys I care about? What do I consider sex? Is oral sex . . . sex?

No, in case you were wondering, I'm not writing about this because Eric's been getting "it". Sure, i'll admit, at times I'm horny as hell. But no, i'm not getting any action. Over the past two weeks, I've been having conversations with numerous people about these very questions . . . .

I was reflecting on some of my previous posts about sex and it's interesting to see my very first post on the subject two years ago and how my perspective and approach to sex has evolved.

Sexual morality.

I don't use that lens anymore. It's attached to judgment and there's tons of baggage attached to the words. (Ah! So the critics are right! The gay Christians don't have real morals!)

No. That's not what I mean.

I just think that sexual purity is not the goal of my journey. My exploration of sexual freedom isn't the goal either. The goal of my journey is and has been about exploring my authenticity. And part of that is sorting through the questions of sex and relationships.

My lifestyle is characterized more by my faith than my sexual orientation. So while I can be honest about my very real urges, decisions, and actions, I think it's important for me to process these things with my God. Therefore, I no longer use the lens of 'morality' in asking these questions. When I was a churchian, I held to morals defined by what I read and what people told me. But I could never fully own those morals because they weren't really mine. So now, I use the lens of 'genuine expressions of love' in examining these questions. I have found that this lens is more effective in discovering what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

I used to hold my virginity up like a trophy. When I lost it (years ago when I was still in the closet and so happened outside of a loving context), I felt regret. It was a virtue that I held on to for so long and after having that sexual encounter I felt like I gave in and showed my weakness.

I don't think that way anymore. Abstinence doesn't hold much substance for me if I can't own why it makes sense. And so I no longer see the choice not to abstain as a weakness. I see it as an experience that requires interpretation.

Keep in mind, I say all of this in the context that I'm not just freely having sex. Yes, I've had sexual encounters in my life but for me it's not about giving myself the freedom to do whatever I want. It's about giving myself the freedom to walk and learn from God the life intricacies of sexual intimacy and relationships.

It's not about a license. It's about a lesson.

Here's what I've learned so far. Asking questions and framing the issue in terms of whether or not certain sexual conduct is moral doesn't help me. What does help me is reframing the question in terms of What expresses genuine love most authentically?

The first thing I ought to own up to is assessing how I actually feel towards a person. Do I actually love him? Am I lusting him? Am I just crushing over him? Is this infatuation? These are things that I need to be honest with myself.

The next thing would be assessing how I choose to express those feelings. It would be inauthentic to express physical or sexual intimacy in a way that is inconsistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. What do I mean by this?

It's not about morality. It's about having balanced and consistent levels of emotional and physical/sexual intimacy. Is it okay to have sex before marriage? Well, if I reframe it with my new lens, I would say let's examine our intimacy levels. If i'm still getting to know a guy, then I am still in the early process of developing trust. This means that I have minimal emotional intimacy with him. If I then choose to have full-on sex with this guy, then my level of physical intimacy with him is way off. I barely know the guy, much less trust the guy. If I don't know him or trust him, then how can I actually be loving him?

However, if we've gone on a few dates with each other and we're both mutually discovering an emotional connection with each other, then it would make sense to kiss him because that form of physical intimacy is consistent with the level of emotional intimacy that I have with him. As the two of us continue to develop our emotional intimacy with each other, it would also make sense for our level of physical intimacy to increase accordingly and at the same pace.

I think that physical intimacy is a tangible expression of genuine emotional intimacy. I also think that emotional intimacy is the intangible substance of physical intimacy. I think marriage is a covenant that describes a relationship that has realized (and is committed to keeping and maintaining) emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy. If full-on sex is considered to be the highest form of physical intimacy, then it would be most consistent to do it while in a relationship that experiences the highest form of emotional intimacy with him. Marriage.

I know, i'm not exactly providing proof-texts for any of this. I'm just trying to unpack how I see the process and development of genuine love. I don't think it's realistic to say that a person completely loves someone in the beginning. It takes time. And balancing levels and forms of intimacy seems like the healthiest way to experience love in a relationship.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't have all this down pat. I don't always keep it all balanced. But i'm not afraid of making mistakes or discovering for myself where those lines of consistent intimacy are. These are just things I'm thinking about - things that i'm learning as I try to figure it all out for myself. It's direction. I'm not having tons of sex. But when I do have a sexual encounter, i'm not feeling super guilty because I had the sex. I simply sit down with God and talk it through - this is what I did, this is why I did it, this is how it made me feel (emotionally, physically, spiritually), this is how I think it made him feel. And I try to use the lens of authenticity. If I was just plain horny, then I'll own up to it. If I actually had feelings for the guy, then was I physically expressing what I emotionally felt for him. If yes, what does that mean? If no, what does that mean? Did I do this out of temptation or out of affection?

This just has me honestly evaluating the emotional, physical, and spiritual consequences of my intimate relationships.

So after all of this, I guess what i'm saying is that i'm not concerned about morality as much as I am concerned about authenticity.

Yes, there are times when I really feel like getting laid. Sometimes it's because I'm lonely. Sometimes it's because I had a really bad day and would like a distraction. Sometimes i'm just freaking horny. Sometimes it's because I'm longing for an intimate connection.

If i'm going to have sex, I want to at least be authentic with myself about why I'm doing it. It is these lessons that help me discover what I can and can't own about my faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

The Redefinition of Me

Over the past three or four years, I've journeyed through my insecurities - facing them head on and allowing myself to look in the mirror and being okay with the man I see. I remember times when it was so hard to do that.

I found so many reasons why I couldn't love and accept myself. But I wanted to. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and smile at myself. I wanted to be able to see my own reflection - to see what I looked like being happy. And so I began to walk forward - taking steps of growth, taking moments of introspection, taking the time to confront the guy I avoided - me.

In order to figure out who I am, I had to figure out who I was . . . .

Years ago, I wasn't happy with the person I had become. I felt ugly - i couldn't change my face. I felt physically unattractive and overweight - i couldn't change my size. I hated the fact that I was gay - i couldn't change my sexuality, as much as i wanted to at the time. There were even times when I was bitter towards my faith - i couldn't change the fact that i really did love and believe in Jesus but people told me that it was in conflict with my sexuality and so I couldn't fully be or live both. I wasn't happy that I was Filipino - i couldn't change my ethnicity. I wasn't even happy with my middle name - it was given to me, my dad's middle name (and our relationship was strained for so many years). I hated being (and feeling) alone - I wouldn't even date me! There were things about myself that I didn't like. There were things that I had done in my past that I sorely (and still) regret. I've had my share of mistakes.

Rest assured, I will not be running for political office!

How do I get to the point of realizing that I'm not so bad a person? Thinking of all the good that I've done, doesn't necessarily cancel out the bad or the insecurities. I guess, for me, it started with a choice - to take a step of faith - embrace the risk that comes in loving me like God was loving me.

So the journey began and I discovered that not only was there life "out" there, but there was also life "in" there - in me. I missed appreciating my teenage years. I missed enjoying my 20's. I am now 30 years old and I don't want to go through another decade of being handcuffed by fear - the fear of social opinion, the fear of religious persecution, the fear of self-condemnation.

It's exciting to see changes in what I like as I've grown more comfortable with the person I am. On more and more occasions, i've found myself physically attracted to an asian person whereas before I never thought i'd ever see a cute asian. I attribute this to my process of learning to be okay with the fact that I'm asian - (and as some say, a cute filipino - hehe).

As I've chosen to live a physically fit and healthy lifestyle, I've also grown to be okay with my size. I am blessed and fortunate enough to not have a medical condition that effects my ability to lose weight. So I exercise regularly and I eat reasonably (most of the time) without torturing myself with guilt or a starvation diet. I can actually enjoy eating!

I'm not only okay with being gay - I like the fact that i'm gay. um, sort of. But yeah, i hated that about myself so much in the past. Now, i not only accept it, i live it. What does that mean? I don't fully know. But "I" get to decide what that means. I can choose to redefine what that means for my life. Perhaps the mainstream church, the media, and the gay community itself have their own stereotypes or perspectives of what a "gay lifestyle" looks like. But i'm okay with me being a gay individual within the gay community - both different and similar.

I'm okay with being a Christian. I don't feel the need to apologize for that or to explain the context of why I feel like I can be both gay and Christian. I'm not a Christian because I'm gay. I'm a Christian because I believe and have accepted Jesus as my Christ, my Messiah, my Savior, my Lord. Because this is my reality, i don't have to live under the Christian culture of isolating myself in a para-world where everything "in" is clean and everything "out" is dirty. I chose to no longer live a life of following the religious routines of a spectator faith. I have chosen to live out my faith as a lifestyle "out" there - no longer constrained by traditional view, but explored as I walk this out with my God. I do not believe that I'm following my own spirituality but rather Jesus' spirituality. I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with my middle name. Dean. I never used to like it because it was my dad's middle name. Now, I like it because it is my dad's middle name. Our relationship with each other has improved over the years. We can both tell each other that we love each other. We both accept each other. I've chosen to forgive him of the things that he couldn't help or control. He was the best dad that he knew how to be. I chose to give him some slack. I decided that our current relationship didn't need to be defined by my past hurts. And in this process of growth, I discovered that I'm proud to share his name - middle and last name. I am my father's son.

I'm not okay with being single, but I would date me. (ha, that sounds so conceited but please keep in mind the context of what i've been saying here). I'm not content with flying solo so i'm willing to make the effort in getting to know people more intimately. What rules apply in regards to sex? I know what i used to think. But that came from a place of 2 decades of theory and not much actual sexual experience. My thoughts and opinion evolve as I try to sort it out. The truth is that I don't know what i think about sex. I've got a good head on my shoulders so i think i can figure it out. I don't necessarily think sex needs to be part of the dating equation. I do know that I value substance in a relationship and that's what i'm looking for so i'm apt to not allow my hormones to rule this process. But i'm okay with wanting to get to know people as more than friends - without the lust and without the obsession. Isn't that fair?

As for my past mistakes, I can't change them. I can only grow from them. I'd even hesitate from wishing they didn't happen. So much of my life would be different had I not made those mistakes. Would I be willing to give up the life that I have now in order to have the life I could have had if I didn't make those mistakes? I'm not sure. But I can't live like that. I can't live in the past. Past regrets have anchored me. I'm choosing to set sail.

So let's go! "Life moves on" is no longer a cliche - it's my reality. My journey continues and I live fresh in discovering what's in store because I know that whatever comes will continue to shape and redefine me. I'm okay with that.

The 'M' Word

Self-gratification. I don't think I've been resisting temptation the way I should be.

Sure, i've been avoiding certain other things - eating chocolate, buying clothes, gadgets, and toys i don't need, having actual and physical sex - but still. I'm not without sin. Temptation is definitely there.

I'd like to say that I've done well at maintaining pre-established boundaries like not having sex right now. While I may not be giving in to those temptations, I'm finding myself giving in - perhaps too easily - to other temptations.

The mind is alot harder to discipline than the body . . . .

Gratifying oneself is not something people usually talk about that openly. (Actually, I have been in some social circles where gay men talk about it without shame.) I'll try not to be so crude but i hope you know what i'm talking about.

Masturbation.

Well, if i'm not going to have sex it seems like it would be the best and natural alternative, right? Sexual temptation is hard (no pun intended. okay, maybe a bit of a pun intended). It's difficult to resist. There's that surge of excitement that flows throughout the entire body. It's like you can actually feel every single hormone being released to swim free throughout the blood stream - touching every nerve in the body to cause an arousal, a warm sensation, and an impulse towards an object. The very sight (or even thought) of one's object of affection (aka 'that HOT guy or gal') can trigger such a response.

It seems like solo-gratification is the safest thing to do if having sex with that person isn't an option for one reason or another. Maybe physically, it is. There are times when I just need some kind of an outlet - relieve tension so that I can move on with my life. Sometimes I just can't get certain things out of my mind.

But is it the healthiest thing for me to do spiritually?

I know, loaded question. Probably not.

Whether or not Jesus would be okay with a person relieving physical tension is probably not the point. I would suppose that Christ would be more concerned about what was going on in my heart when such a thing were occurring. I've spoken to many guys who say that they are able to relieve tension without picturing someone in their imagination to assist the process. But for me, I typically am thinking of someone (or sometwo or somethree).

Lust.

I realize that for some guys, they are simply relieving tension and not entertaining fantasy. I can't necessarily say that for my own case. If i'm honest with myself, i'm not "simply relieving tension". I'm lusting. And i'd think that Jesus would want more from me.

I agree with what much of the ex-gay ministries (as do many churches) teach about this - that it's a sort of idolatry. (Don't get your panties in a bunch, I don't agree with everything that ex-gay ministries teach!). When I am lusting after a person and going so far as to fantasize about him during a solo session, there's an element to it that is completely objectifying. Most of the time, I'm not considering his heart or his desires. Rather, it's all about me. My wants, needs, desires, pleasures, satisfaction. It's a completely selfish experience for me.

Most of the time. Not all of the time.

There are other times when, at least in fantasy, there's an emotional component involved and we're "making love". I'm imagining something mutual.

But it's not real. It's an illusion. It's a lie. And it's hard for me to accept that emotionally bending to a facade isn't oppressive. I don't always think of this in these terms during the temptation but I've always viewed Satan as the Master of Illusions and Deceit. He's all about tricking me to doing something stupid. He's all about lying to me. He's all about distracting me. He's all about giving me false love. So when I think about it in that way, self-gratification while fantasizing about another person is not "simply relieving tension" but is "simply entertaining lust".

Yeah, i think it's wrong. I do it. Argh I keep doing it! Even though I know I shouldn't. But as I've been good at not having actual sex because of pre-established boundaries that I've set for myself (and with the discernment from the Lord), I'm finding that my mind still roams free.

It's as if maintaining physical restraint permits imaginary freedom in my thought life. But i'm probably missing the point when i think that way. Jesus said that it's not just about committing adultery, it's about the lust. Jesus said that it's not just about committing murder, it's about the hate. He is more concerned about the condition of my heart because He knows that if my heart is in alignment with Him, then I won't commit anything.

Oh what a wretched heart I have!

But Christ is there. And He redeems it.

I know, someone out there is probably thinking that I need to quit being so hard on myself. But i'm not so much concerned about the masturbation itself. I'm more concerned about what's going on in my heart when I do it. That's what I want to keep in check.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:1-2)

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)

The Lord is my God and I want what He wants for me.

Lord, if i've set up false gods to focus my heart and thoughts on (even for those solo moments), forgive me. I'll try to be more faithful to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Relationship Dynamic With Mr. Right

So I’ve been seeing someone.

About two months ago, I allowed myself to start “dating”. Several months before that, I had been wrestling with the concept of being both gay and Christian, and now I’m much more comfortable with the person I am - a Christ-centered gay guy who is simply trying to love God and others more properly. Part of this dynamic includes the prospect of entering into a romantic relationship.

As I’m becoming more and more familiar with the gay culture, I’m discovering that physical affection and even sexual connection is not uncommon early on in the get-to-know-you process. Is that what I’m wanting? I’ll admit that, having done my time in the closet, I do long for a certain kind of touch from another guy. But does accepting myself as a gay man mean that it’s okay for me to be a part of that gay culture that seems so liberal with physical and sexual intimacy? Do I have to redefine my values based on what is common among other gay men in “relationships”?

This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to go on dates with another guy and pursue a potential romance so I realize that I’ve got a lot to learn about dating and relationships. I’ve talked before about “Mr. Right” and the kind of guy I’m looking for. But in this process, I’m learning a lot more of what I’m wanting in a relationship . . . .

We haven’t defined anything yet between the two of us. We don’t consider ourselves “in a relationship” with each other. We’re simply “seeing each other”. We’re getting to know each other. We’re going on dates. But it’s also okay for either of us to go on dates with other people. We’re not exclusive.

Sometime during the first week of seeing each other, we had the talk about “sex”. Maybe it was a newbie mistake, breaking some kind of “Do’s and Don’ts” dating rules, but I wanted to get it out on the table right from the very beginning. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex - at least, not right now. Fortunately, that conversation went off well because the feeling was mutual. Now, don’t get me wrong. The physical attraction was definitely mutual. But we both are looking for something of substance. He’s been with guys before and he’s communicated to me that he’s not looking for a “quickie” or something “casual”. I’ve had one night stands before and I’m not looking for another connection that will just leave me feeling guilty afterwards. I’m looking for something that can last - something with a foundation - and I don’t want sex to screw that up or confuse things (or even complicate things).

It’s actually been good getting to know each other and knowing that we are both on the same page in regards to sex between the two of us. But it does get difficult at times. Temptation. Argh! There are definitely times when we are together and we get a bit “touchy”. We’ve been physically affectionate but we’ve never crossed that established boundary of sex that we both agreed upon. I don’t feel guilty about the physical affection. But I do find myself wondering if the degree of physical affection is consistent with how much we know each other thus far.

When is it okay for us to kiss? When is it okay for us to “make out”? When is it okay for us to hold hands in public? When is it okay for us to place a hand on the other’s knee? When is it okay for us to cuddle? When is it okay for us to give each other massages? When is it okay for us to share a bed (without having sex)? When is it okay for us to have sex?

A part of me wants to just allow things to develop naturally and not jinx the potential relationship with a pre-set timeline of physical milestones. But I do think that I’d like the natural progression of physical intimacy to be consistent with our “knowledge of each other”. I’m not referring to simple facts about each other’s history. But I guess I’m looking for a relationship where the other guy “knows” me. I want him to gradually get to know things about me that I may not necessarily share with him specifically - things like my idiosyncrasies, my catch phrases, my facial expressions when I’m happy or sad or mellow or excited. I want him to get to know what I value or what I’m passionate about based on his observations of my life. As we get to know each other, I want our physical intimacy to match.

Is it right for us to be familiar with certain body parts before being familiar with each other's family members?

As it is now, we are still just getting to know each other and we are still both open to allowing ourselves to get to know other people too. We are not yet at a point of commitment. So should we be non-sexually physically affectionate at this stage of our interaction with each other? If yes, then to what degree?

We’ve already had this conversation with each other - we’re both on the same page regarding these things (I hope! - he reads this blog. Am I making another newbie mistake right now? Sorry, just remember this . . . ). So while we have set a boundary in regards to sex with each other, there’s also a mutual understanding that we don’t want to allow things to get more affectionate beyond what seems to match our current state of non-physical connection.

Is this making sense? Am I rambling? Perhaps . . . .

The other thing that I was thinking about was what I am wanting in a relationship. Besides knowing the kind of guy that I want to be with, I’m learning that there’s also a certain dynamic that I’m wanting in a relationship.

I want a relationship with passion - not just that both of us have passion about life or even that both of us have things that we are passionate about. In a relationship, I want our passions to complement each other. We don’t necessarily have to have the same passions, but I want a relationship where his passions stimulate my passions. I want a relationship where we both encourage each other to live out those passions and that doing that isn’t a distraction from the relationship. Rather, encouraging each other to live out our passions is an extension of our relationship.

I want a relationship with life. I’m not so naïve to think that the “honeymoon” stage never wears off. I know that it does. But I want a relationship that is more than simply reporting in to each other what we did during our day. I want a relationship where we can naturally unpack how we felt about things that happened in our day. I want to be able to communicate with each other how life has affected us. In doing this together, I want a relationship where we are living out life together.

I want a relationship with flavor. I want us to affect one another. I want to grow and to be challenged to be better - I want this to be a fruit of our relationship. I want to be stimulated to think differently about the world. I want to be encouraged to evaluate and assess my motives and my actions without a sense of condemnation. I want to learn from his strengths and I want him to learn from mine.

Maybe saying that I want these things reveals that I actually am naïve regarding relationships. I don’t know if these things are realistic. Maybe I’ll post a year from now laughing at myself for wanting a relationship with passion, life and flavor. But for now, I think it’s okay to want a certain kind of dynamic in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship that simply goes through the motions. I want a relationship that is driven forward - I want a relationship where we are both moving somewhere, together.

I know I’m going to meet a lot of different kinds of guys - some with certain values, some with certain personalities. But as I allow myself to date and allow for the possibility of a romance to develop, I’m not so concerned about what either of us can “give” to each other in the relationship or even what either of us are “getting” from each other in the relationship. What I’m more concerned about is the person we each are “becoming” because of that relationship with each other.

My Mr. Right becomes Mr. Right (for me) when he also becomes willing to work towards a relationship dynamic like this one. That’s someone I can share the rest of my life with.

Fresh Meat

So I just got home from a party tonight. Earlier this evening, I was a high school freshman trying to get ready for his first senior party. Anyone know what this feels like? I was way nervous!

I've been making some friends at one of the weekly discussion group's that I go to at the GLBT center and our group was invited to an annual gingerbread party. I thought it'd be fun to go because it'd be a great opportunity to connect again with alot of the guys outside the formal group setting. We usually hang out at a coffee shop each week after the group meetings. The party would be another way of getting to know some of the guys a bit more.

I typically experience these kinds of 'gay' social venues with my buddy or my closer circle of friends. We go out for a drink or two at a bar or go dancing at a club and usually the buds dress me up a little more gay than I'm used to. I have horrible fashion sense and the guys fix me up with some of their own clothes or they make some slight adjustments to what i'm wearing so as to make me a tad more appealing. One works on a sleeve, the other tugs at the shirt, another is evaluating which pair of jeans I should wear. They work their magic and I ask, "Am I hot now?" and they reply with their, "Heck yeah!" 's and I wonder if its true but I take their word for it and we're all good to go. But this time, the buds weren't coming with me to the party and I had to get ready all by myself! Yikes . . . .

This afternoon, I was already imagining what i'd wear tonight. I'll wear the brown khaki pants with the black belt and the brown long sleeved button down collared shirt and the brown dress shoes. I'll iron the shirt and i'll look spiffy. The party starts at 4pm so i'll plan on going about 8pm. I was going to time my arrival when I knew for sure another friend from the group was going to arrive so that I wouldn't have that weird uncomfortable feeling of not knowing anybody. As the early evening passes, I call this friend who tells me he's not arriving until after 10pm. What the -!

Gosh darn it. What if I don't know anyone else there? I wonder if some of the other guys from the group will be there. What if they don't come? But maybe I can meet someone new. Maybe I can just choose to be outgoing (I typically do this - make a choice to be social despite my natural introverted personality) and start up some casual conversation and maybe I'll end up making a friend or two - or better yet, someone who may find me interesting enough to date. Okay, so I can do this. Anxiousness fills my mind as I take longer than usual to get ready - stall!

So I iron my shirt and take my shower and begin to do all of my personal hygiene stuff. I got a haircut earlier today and had my guy buzz the sides short and take just a lil bit off the top so that I could still slick my hair forward then spiked in the front. Nicely gelled. Time to get dressed with what I had planned. No, that's not gonna work. The buds would never have me go out like that! I flip through the hangers in my closet sifting through shirt and pant combinations. What in the world am I supposed to wear? What will others be wearing? I had it all planned out but that's been scratched. I hear the assuring voices of my buds as I'm alone in my closet and I settle for the blue jeans, black belt, and brown shirt that I ironed. This will do. I guess. Yeah, it'll do. The buds would have me roll up the sleeves. No, further - roll them up all the way up to the biceps. My bud always says don't be afraid to show off the guns. I roll the sleeves all the way up and I feel uncomfortable as I look in the mirror. Oh yeah, i'm supposed to leave the top two buttons undone so that some skin shows. Oh goodness! This looks way gay! Too gay! I laughed out loud looking at myself. There is no way I can go out in public looking this gay! So I pace between my bedroom and the bathroom looking at the mirror in doubt. But then I remember that i'm going to a 'gay' party. The buds would say I'm hot looking like this. I guess that means i'm ready to go.

I leave my apartment walking slowly down the stairs thinking, "I can't believe i'm going out like this on purpose!" A year ago, i'd go out making sure I looked straight enough. Now, i'm going out making sure I looked gay enough. What a journey!

So I drive to where the party is - on the way, I try to psyche myself into getting ready for the party. I don't know what to expect. The only sure thing I could expect would have been my friend arriving at the same time but that changed. As butterflies ram the sides of my stomach, I imagine what the house will look like. Who will be there? Will there be people outside? Will I know them? What will they think about me - about the way I'm dressed? Will they think I look gay? Oh no, i look too gay! Oh yeah, they're gay too. Will they think i'm not trendy? Will they think I dressed silly? Will they think, "that guy has zero fashion sense"? because they'd be right! Oh gosh, how about my hair? No. I'm okay there - cute hair. Whew! Are my sleeves up too high? I worked out at the gym today with my trainer and my biceps are kind of bulging - so my rolled up sleeves are tight. But the other night I was out with my friend at a bar and he was complimented on his arms and his sleeves were rolled up the same way so maybe i'm okay. Wow, maybe i'll get complimented. Oh goodness! Butterflies!

I found the place. This is it! Wait, is this the place? Did i read the address wrong? I see Christmas lights and decorations but all the other houses in the neighborhood have the same thing. I don't see anyone outside. What if no one is here? What if i'm the only one that showed up to the party? Maybe i'll park and stay here inside the car until someone else arrives. What's on the radio? I decide to call my brother for no apparent reason. Just stalling. Brother is doing fine. Hmm, what else can I do? I'm bored. Okay, let's go inside now.

Whoa, i'm going inside! I walk up to the front door and greet another person leaving the party. I'm at the front door and I see people through the window. Do I knock? Do I ring the door bell? Do I just walk in? Gosh I hate not knowing what's appropriate. I'm such a nerd. What if he opens the door and doesn't recognize me and asks what i'm here for? Oh goodness, just do it. I knock. I ring the door bell. I try the door knob to see if it's open. Good, it's locked. I'll wait for them to answer the door. I'm welcomed in and I greet my way through the living room and kitchen. Don't know anyone so far!

Ah! Finally someone I know! Huge hug! Outside in the back are lots of other people I know. Whew! Okay, i feel much better now. I can do this. Let's do the whole social thing. Um, people look kind of dressed up. No one else has their sleeves rolled up this high and tight. I'm talking to people and I see their eyes looking at my arms. I see them looking at that spot where my two top buttons are undone. Oh great! I look like an idiot!

Conversations continue and I'm a social butterfly - talking and joking and smiling and stuff. Good show. Fake it till you make it. Feel comfortable. Feel happy. Feel confident. Okay, i can do this. Do i really look like an idiot?

Then the compliments started coming. I feel the eyes watching me. Wait a minute. They. . . they're . . . I think that some of these guys are . . . flirting. What the - ? Wow this feels kind of nice. Maybe I don't look like an idiot. Maybe they're checking me out. Whoa, this guy is checking me out. He just winked at me! The guys are cool and everything. There are lots of guys I know from the group and we're just hanging out. Casual compliments - "you are cute for an asian!" (Remember my issues?) Chills. Wow, people are agreeing. Hmm. How do you do this? I don't really know how to react. I continue the casual conversations with various guys - some are flirting, some are not. I try to change the subject. I crack a joke in nervousness but the flirty ones like it even more - "you're so cute," they'd say. Wow, people are standing pretty close to me. Close proximity! I wasn't feeling overwhelmed or anything. It wasn't like I wanted anyone to back off. Well, I did but I didn't. It's just that, I've never had this kind of attention before. For me?! I kinda like it and so i'm sort of flirty back but I don't want to really "connect" with someone tonight so I back off from being flirty. Oy. An older guy who notices what must be going through my mind pulls me aside with some helpful explanation. "You are what we call 'Fresh Meat'."

Oh! Okay. I get it. Interesting. The night progresses and I manage to elude some of the advances made and I begin to have some redeeming conversations. I got to know more of some of the guys from the group. I was still able to talk freely about my faith as it came up naturally. Some of the other guys believe in Jesus, some of them have a faith background, some don't at all. It really wasn't an uncomfortable subject. Besides, it wasn't the only subject. There was talk about boyfriends and how they met and occupations and common interests. It was all very fun connecting with people. I even decorated my own gingerbread man (and ate him right away). I decided not to enter mine in the contest - the others were pretty creative (and some humorously explicit).

By the end of the evening, well past midnight, my feelings of being a freshman dissipated and I was quite comfortable chatting the night away. It was actually kind of fun to see the vultures flying overhead when I first arrived. They definitely helped me to get over my insecurities! Regardless, I got to connect with some friends and I had alot of fun. I think the buds would be proud! =)

Is there anyone out there that can relate to any of this craziness?!

Taking Relational Risks

I'm learning that maybe it's okay to make some mistakes. Safe mistakes. It'd be terrible to do something so stupid that i'd jeopardize my health or life, but what if I allowed myself to go out and take some relational risks - be present and see what happens, see what God does.

I've been building friendship relationships but not necessarily romantic relationships. The thought of dating is actually kind of scary to me. I've never been on an actual date with another guy. Scratch that - I went on one several years ago but that was when I was paranoid for being in ministry and in the closet so I made sure nothing more came out of that "one" night. Now, things are different. My journey has taken me to a place of wanting to see what this would actually look like - for me to serve God in ministry while engaging in a committed relationship with a guy. But that would first require dating which would in turn require being present - emotionally and physically.

Believe me - for those of you who are "concerned" about the path i'm talking about taking - the huge hestitation for me is where this may lead....

I've always denied myself romantic relationships because I didn't want to "corrupt" myself with anything gay-related. Since i'm not straight, I wasn't exactly pursuing a relationship with a woman. The result has been a loneliness that I'm not sure how to describe to a straight person. If I were on a date with a guy or was even in a dating relationship with, can I trust myself to maintain boundaries? If so, then perhaps a relationship of substance can be nurtured. If not, could I be placing myself in a dangerous situation? So yeah, i'm concerned too.

It's pretty obvious, from my posts over the past couple months, that i'm inclined to believe that the sinfulness of homosexuality as referenced in Scripture has to be considered in the context of lust, selfishness, violence, and idolatry and that loving and committed relationships don't fall in that category. (I say "inclined" because it's not a concrete conclusion - i'm still open to the other perspectives). It's just that, at some point, I've gotta find out for myself if I can really see the fruit of the Spirit in the context of a loving relationship with another guy. I can't simply rely on the books and essays i've read or the warnings from concerned people or the encouragement of those in the gay world. This is my journey. I need to discern for myself what the Spirit is telling me. I trust Him enough to walk this through with me. Either He'll show me that this is a fruitless pursuit or He'll show me that there indeed is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in a monogamous same-sex relationship.

Yeah, that's risk.

The other risk is my own esteem. The last thing I need is to purposefully place myself in a situation of being rejected. Yet the affirming thing about this blog has been the many friendships that we've started with each other via comments, email, instant message, or phone conversations. In one particular instant message with a new friend, I laughed about noticing that someone found Two World Collision by searching for "hot filipino gay guys". (It's actually pretty hilarious to see the things people Google to end up coming here.) But my new friend pointed out that he doesn't recall ever seeing a photo of me at this site and yet some people are ending up here looking for "hot". As i thought more about it, I realized that I've been able to interact with all of you in ways that has nothing to do with what I actually look like. And so, what if I functioned in the "real" world in much the same way. What if I was simply myself - confident in the person I am without feeling like I have to look a certain way. Perhaps the quality of my conversation with a sense of confidence is enough to be attractive to someone else. Since physical attraction is relative to each individual's taste and perception, perhaps my esteem can stay in tact.

What about the other issue? Maintaining boundaries. Can I trust myself? It'd be smart to have them as I'm being "present" out there. I was talking to my buddy tonight and he gave me some good suggestions. (Disclaimer: i'll apologize now in case you think some of them sound a bit raw but i'll share it in case it could benefit others.) For starters, my buddy says that I can always call him at the end of the evening if I decided in advance that I wasn't going to go home with anyone that night. (What a pal, huh?) He also says that we can do the whole double date thing so that I'm not out there doing this alone. This could allow input from my friends that I may not perceive of the guy. Some other things he mentioned was putting things in my car such as laundry baskets in the front and back seats so that I can't take anyone home with me. Or placing something embarassing in my car so that I wouldn't want a guy I just met to see it. The "raw" suggestion he mentioned was "relieving" myself before going out on a date so that my hormones weren't dictating my decisions. I think an important thing my buddy said was that I should communicate to the guy in the beginning that we are not going to have sex tonight. His response could reveal alot about this guy's character and what he's looking for.

Definitely some good stuff.

I want to do what's healthy. I want to do what's right. But I feel like this is a part of my journey that I need to see for myself. For so long I paralyzed myself from being able to connect with someone intimately. It's been incredibly lonely. I think taking safe risks are okay. Maybe it's okay to find out what kind of guys I don't like. Maybe it's okay to discover what a bad relationship would be like. Maybe it's okay for me to fall for a guy and have my heart broken. I still trust Jesus enough to walk with me through this. The fruit will speak for itself, i'll learn from it, and move on from there.

Into the Shadows of Shame

There are some things that I know, without a doubt, are absolutely wrong. There are things that are most definitely sin - without debate. These are things that can only cause harm and draw all involved into the shadows of shame. These are things that I am capable of.

It has nothing to do with me being gay. It certainly has nothing to do with me being Christian. It doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with me being a man. Yet, I know that there is an absolute distinction between a loving relationship and a lustful encounter. No excuse can be made for such things - neither being gay nor even simply struggling with same sex attractions, nor being forgiven and under grace, nor having gone without sex for a lengthy period of time. There is no rationalization that can be made when certain actions clearly fall within the category of "sexual immorality".

We can engage in a dialogue about whether or not same sex loving monogamous relationships are acceptable to the Lord. Some may say that these relationships are acceptable because of its loving context. I would think that it's difficult for other people to conceive of such a thing - being more focussed on the same gender aspect of the relationship rather than acknowledging the loving aspect of the relationship. I have seen these kinds of relationships and what I find difficult is saying that what they say is love - actually isn't. How can an outside observer really measure what is in a couple's heart? If you spend enough time in relationship with these people, you will find it difficult to deny their genuine love for one another because you will see good fruit.

However, what I feel must be made clear is that there is a distinction between loving gay relationships and unloving sexual interaction. We really have to be honest with ourselves - are we connecting in love or are we colliding in lust? Now, the application of God's grace through Jesus Christ is definitely relevant because we are allowed to approach the Throne. But as we approach the Throne, we must do so honestly.

I am a sinner. There are things that I've done in my life that I am ashamed of. Things that I know do not fall under the category of love. These are things done either in my mind or in the physical world. I know what it's like to burn with passion. I know what it's like to desire something that is not of God. I know what it's like to experience the temptation of my flesh and to purposely ignore the cries of the Spirit so that I may indulge in only moments of pleasure. I know what it's like to flee and run and hide in the shadows afterwards, knowing that my sin shames me to the point of not being able to look at my Lord in the eye - much less at myself in the mirror. I know what it's like to wonder, "how in the world could God ever redeem me and how could God possibly use me for His will when I have such dirty hands and an impure heart?"

You see, there's this dynamic of realizing the ramifications of my sin. I know that I am forgiven and that I have grace available to me, but there are still consequences that I have to live through. I call this the "fall out" of my sin and it makes me cry out, "Lord, what have I done!?" I realize that i was completely selfish. In lust, it's more about what I can experience than what the other person feels and it's about if I can somehow get more. It's about me degrading the person - whether consensual or not - objectifying the person's body without any regard to whether or not the person is experiencing shame or not. I also realize that there are effects left behind after the sin. We are both left with shame - this is clearly evident when one of us quickly makes an exit. But what if the other person doesn't know how to handle that kind of shame? What if the other person can only cope by medicating the pain? More sex. Drugs. Violence. Suicide. I know, that even in my shame, the Lord is working in me - convicting me, restoring me, teaching me. But I don't know what's going on in the other person's heart or mind. What if I caused the domino reaction of instability in another person's life that caused or contributed to serious harm - or worse, made the person's heart that much harder towards God?

I can only leave such things in the Lord's hands. Yet, this is a burden that comes with the "fall out" of my actions. I know that this journey of mine takes me down a road consisting of thoughts I used to consider taboo. However, it's easy to mix these things up with things that are still taboo. If the Lord would lead me to it, I would want a life-long loving relationship with another person. But I must make that distinction between love and lust because I know that the Lord would never lead me down a road of such selfishness. It's not just my life at stake.

Follow Up to the Whole Pre-Marital Sex Thing

This started off as a comment in response to other comments on my last post ("Lighten Up Thou Hypocrite!") but I decided to make it a blog entry since it turned out to be pretty long.

Thanks angel and wysguy for your comments, you both have always been supportive of my process and i appreciate that.

As for the "hypocrite" reference - yeah i know. I don't think i'm a hypocrite. But when i wrote "thou hypocrite!" i was meaning that i would be if i proclaimed to the world that one "shouldn't" engage in pre-marital sex, but then i do. In that context, i think i would be a hypocrite.

The trouble for me is that, if i'm honest with myself, i really don't know what i'd do. I'd like to say that i'd wait. But i'm just trying to be honest with myself in that i don't have a whole lot of experience with romantic relationships - straight or gay. That's the hard part for me....trying to figure out "what" i believe when it's all in theory.

This whole journey for me stems from realizing that alot of my previously held beliefs comes from what people told me or what i was exposed to. They were untested and unchallenged (for me). I wasn't fully informed when i decided that "yes, i believe that!" I can cling to beliefs logically but i simply want them to be "real". I want to own them. So this kind of wrestling in me is what it looks like for me to live out my faith.

In terms of "judging" others, i can't place a judgment of an issue that i, myself, am unsure of for my own life. I agree with you, wysguy, that as believers there is an accountability to each other. If i know a brother of mine is harboring hateful thoughts or even lustful thoughts, it would be right for me to point them out so as to sharpen him. But in terms of exhorting or rebuking a brother on an issue that i'm still trying to resolve - then i would say that i shouldn't judge. There are others for that.

I'm not saying that as believers we don't judge on certain levels in certain contexts. In my last post, I was speaking for myself that I can't judge someone for something i'm still wrestling through. I mean, if i'm going to try to connect with someone, then i should be sure of what i'm offering if i'm going to offer it as "Truth". (For example, it just seems wrong for me to have an English teacher who uses poor grammar.)

For me to say that "I" shouldn't judge on this issue, doesn't necessarily mean that "others" shouldn't judge or offer correction on this issue if they feel secure in what they believe about it. (Continued example, an English teacher who does use proper grammar has every right to teach on the subject).

At the same time, i can judge (discern what is right or wrong in a brother's life) on something i am sure of - like the Deity of Christ.

This wrestling through the issue of pre-marital sex is similar to my wrestling through the issue of homosexuality as a Christian. I have not yet concluded, with certainty, that a Christian can or cannot also be gay. This issue is also not so black or white for me. I have reserved judgment until i am fully informed and have fully processed through it. In the mean time, it would be horribly wrong for me to tell another Christ-centered gay person that they are "in sin". Similarly, i can't tell a gay or straight couple who are both committed to each other that their sexual activity is wrong. Please note again, I am speaking only for myself because of where I am at on these issues. Until I reach resolution or conclusion for myself, I should remain silent in regards to judgment.

The last post was an especially tough blog essay to write in comparison to others because i normally just write whatever raw thoughts i'm having at the moment. (So whatever i write, doesn't necessarily mean that it's what i've concluded for all time and eternity). However, for this subject about pre-marital sex...i'm still wrestling through it. Like i said, it's not black and white - at least as i think through it. So articulating what i am really feeling about this in today's and yesterday's post was difficult.

I'll be continuing to wrestle through it. For all i know, i'll come full circle and believe adamantly that no sex should be engaged in before a covenantal context. The question is, what would it take for me to get to that point? Continued prayer? Continued insight from those who sincerely want to help me grow? Further academic study in Scripture? Having my heart broken in a failed relationship? Reaping physical consequences for placing my intimate trust in someone prematurely?

I'm not gonna go out and have sex tonight or tomorrow. Random sex, i am sure, is wrong. The context of what i'm wrestling through in terms of sex is in a committed relationship. So until that happens - nothing to worry about.

However, i appreciate the sincere concern! Please don't give up on me, but rather, I invite you to walk with me.

Lighten Up Thou Hypocrite!

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post called "The Rules Don't Change" where I pretty much ranted about the double standard that I perceived between straight and gay couples in regards to pre-marital (or pre-covenantal) sex. For whatever standard there is, I think that it should be the same for both straight and gay contexts. After writing it, I started to realize that my ideas about pre-marital sex were coming from my previously held beliefs (which were/are in large part pretty conservative). So I decided to challenge those beliefs to see if they'd float.

I began to inquire about people's thoughts in general about pre-marital sex and I discovered a host of Christian people that didn't necessarily hold to that same principle of abstinence. What? There are people that don't believe what I believe?! It wasn't that many of these people don't value the human body as a temple or that they don't value sex as something highly intimate, but that the concepts between relationships and commitment and covenant weren't as clearly defined in "my" nice little package of understanding how things "should" be. It's not that simple.

So here's what I had to own up to: it's way too easy for me to hold principles of having no pre-marital sex when I've never even been in a committed relationship with another guy. So I have to ask myself this question: if i were in a relationship, would i maintain those principles or would i move towards expressing my affection in sexual ways? On this particular issue, i sadly have to say, that given the opportunity (in a committed relationship), my principles would probably sink.

Thou hypocrite!

Does my own weakness mean that I was wrong? Well, I still think that whatever standard there is, it should be the same for both straight and gay contexts. And I still think, in principle, that sex should not be entered into outside of a committed relationship. Recognizing my weakness just means that maybe I don't really believe what I say I believe (about this issue). Or maybe it means I'm not a man of conviction or that I lack faith or that my faith is weak. Whatever. I don't know. But I'm realizing that I can't judge when the right time for a couple to have sex is. It's not my relationship. I would only hope that the couple honor the Lord by honestly seeking Him about it and making sure He's a part of the equation. This may involve sincere prayer, seeking of the Scriptures, and conversation with each other. Whether they call it commitment or covenant or whatever, at least they are looking to Christ and not just doing it haphazardly. I would hope that I would do the same thing when/if I am in a relationship.

Now I know that that probably makes some people feel a bit uncomfortable. It kinda still makes me uncomfortable. But, speaking only for myself, I have determined that I cannot decide for someone else what is right or wrong on this issue. I am not prepared to die for any position on this issue. After wrestling with it, I have concluded that it's not simply black or white. It's only black or white when it's theory. However, once it's personal - once you're dealing with a person you care deeply about, it's not so simple. And I don't have the answers. Not even for myself! Therefore, I can't hold someone else to a standard that I may not even be able to keep (or believe).

Regardless, I don't see this as a bunch of ought-to's and should's or can's and cannot's. It's not about religion or dogma or church doctrine. Rather, I see it as living out our lives in a way that is consistent with our faith. However, I can't judge this for someone else.

Here's the other thing. I need to lighten up! (or as one blog commenter said several weeks ago about a different topic, 'I need to get laid!'). I met with the pastor of The Tab yesterday afternoon and got her perspective on the issue. After talking with her, I realized that I need to apply a lot more grace to this than I had been. I need to gain broader understanding before jumping to judgment.

The non-Christ-centered gay community can be pretty promiscuous - not everyone but a good number of them. When many of these people begin the journey towards Christ, they do so with all the baggage and brokenness of past relationships. As the pastor, she believes that sex should be engaged in while in covenant between partners, but she also realizes that no one is going to go around to police the bedrooms. They can only live their lives according to the growth in their faith up until that moment. If they are in the process of growing, then we can't expect the kind of behavior from someone full grown in faith. So this may mean that they'll continue having sex only to realize later on that maybe they should have waited. But they will come to that conclusion on their own as they grow. They don't need me to condemn them and drive them further away from Christ. As a pastor, she simply wants to encourage them for the positive steps that they have taken - be it small or tiny. For them, even considering God in the context of their relationship is a huge step! So why tear them down for not doing what we think is right? (Here comes my new favorite word....) That's pretty arrogant of us.

So as i thought more about this, i noticed that what got me bothered by this issue in the first place was that I assumed that gay Christians in the Church (including the pastor) were just indiscriminately having sex. Straight people aren't "allowed" to (even though i'm sure they do), so then why should gay people be "allowed" to have sex? Then I realized that I was missing the point. It wasn't about compromising principles, it was about dealing with people where they are at, with grace, and continuing to point people to Christ so that they can grow in faith.

Discipleship. It's a process. Being a Christian isn't about the destination of being sinless. All of us, even current Christians are all simply growing.

So what i'm trying to say is i need to give people the grace to grow on their own at their own pace while trusting Jesus enough to be the Teacher, and at the same time, me not feeling the compulsion to have to tell them (as if I were making the decision for them). I make decisions all the time - some good, most bad - but i'm still "on the way" towards Christ - as we all are. But we have to make our own decisions - both good and bad.

Christ is a lot more patient with His kids than I am. Maybe I should be too.

The Rules Don't Change

Imagine a conservative evangelical "gay-friendly" church with gay Christians that modeled sexual boundaries to both gay and straight people. Is there one? I'm not talking about celibacy. I'm talking about genuine committed relationships. There's something that's really been bugging me lately.

I've spoken to a number of gay Christian couples who can verbally acknowledge that sex is a sacred thing. Our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit - sex creates a one flesh union between the two - yadda yadda yadda. There's also a movement of people advocating same-sex marriage saying that not only do gay people have a right to marry, but also that God can and would bless such a union. Fine. I'll concede that for the moment for the sake of exploring a broader point that I'm observing.

Here's the thing. If a committed gay relationship was just like a committed straight relationship in that both placed a high value on commitment, then wouldn't the guidelines for when sex was appropriate in the relationship be the same in both the gay and the straight relationship? In a straight relationship, it's typically accepted that pre-marital sex is a no-no. (This would be referred to as fornication). So then wouldn't it be logical to say that pre-marital sex in a gay relationship would also be unacceptable?

Why is it that "some" gay Christians embrace their acceptance in God's eyes by thinking that it's okay to have gay sex just because they are in a relationship? Relationship doesn't necessarily imply commitment and commitment doesn't necessarily imply covenant. If sexual activity were only acceptable within a marriage context, and marriage could be defined by a covenant between the three (God and the two individuals acknowledging that God has brought them together to be one), then wouldn't the acceptable thing in a gay relationship be to abstain from sexual activity until their relationship matures to the point of lifetime covenant?

Please note that I am not, at this moment, talking about the acceptability of gay relationships (please hold any comment regarding this because that would be off-topic). I'm talking about the fact that I'm frustrated - even irritated - by this double standard by "some" gay Christians who will simply have sex and claim that God blesses it just because they know that God blesses gay Christians. Being accepted as a gay Christian has nothing to do with whether or not sex is acceptable! I find it troubling when i speak to "some" gay Christians who tell me that they "feel" that God said that this is okay or that they "know" that this person indeed is the one that they have been waiting for his/her whole life and so it's okay to be having sex with the person after only two weeks, two months, or two years even though it's prior to establishing a covenant with each other.

This seems absurd to me. No wonder why "some" conservative straight Christians refuse to acknowledge gay people as Christians because of the fear and assumption of promiscuity among them. That God loves gay Christians cannot be used as an excuse to have sex. If we can acknowledge that sex is sacred and is reserved for those in a covenant relationship, then the rules must apply regardless of whether or not it's gay or straight. There needs to be sexual boundaries within His Church - both gay and straight.

A young straight couple out of high school is told not to fornicate - not to have sex until they are married. The same expectations should rest upon the gay couple. The gay couple ought to hold off from being sexually intimate until their relationship has matured into a covenantal context. Again, i'm saying this in the context that sex is sacred.

I think that "some" gay Christians abuse their freedom because they are so tired of having the Church say that they can't be Christians and so they refuse, with sinful pride, to listen and follow guidelines for holy living. As Christians, both gay and straight, we are called to be set apart - holy. The rest of the world who choose not to yield to Jesus as Christ live with indulgence. We, as Christians, both gay and straight, are not to live that way. Sex is sacred and the very act itself should be honoring to the Lord by mirroring His covenant of love and faithfulness towards us.

Granted, I'm saying all this with what some may view as an ultra conservative viewpoint in regards to sex (of which I don't apologize for) and maybe I'm simply a romantic but I just think the standard should be consistent. If being a gay Christian meant that I can have gay sex without restriction, then I would strongly plant my position on the side that says no. However, being a gay Christian does not imply the acceptance of gay sex outside of a covenantal context. Part of being and growing as a mature Christian means that we make the distinction between love and lust. We put off self-indulgence and we put on self-control. It just seems clear to me. If it's right for straight people to abstain, then it's right for gay people to abstain.

Note: If you're going to weigh in on this, remember that I'm not talking about whether or not it's okay to be in a gay relationship. I'm saying that for those who do believe that it's okay should at the very least also acknowledge that our view of the acceptability of sex for gay people should be the same as for straight people.