Happy Bonzai Birthday Buddy!

Today I celebrated my buddy's birthday! His bf organized a surprise party for him tonight and it was fun seeing him laugh so much with all his girlfriends from work. I chose to honor our friendship this year with the gift of a bonzai tree. It's significant because he is always examining his character so that he may better himself and grow as a person. I respect the way he cares for his mind, body and spirit, and so I thought that the bonzai is an awesome representation of who he is - always pruning, always sculpting, always exemplifying art and beauty.

I've mentioned my buddy numerous times before here on TWC. He is someone who constantly inspires me towards growth and authenticity. We've been friends for almost 3 years and room mates for the past 2 years almost. At times, it seems we live very independent lives as we both do our own thing and our paths cross in the apartment occasionally. We both work; he's at the tail end of finishing his master's degree; I'm always working on the Catalyst website; he spends quality time with his bf; i'm often out having coffee/lunch/dinner meetings with people. But even as busy as it gets, we do get to connect and catch up and we have awesome and many times meaningful conversations. Our friendship is refreshing because we both have some kind of passion that we each strive to live out in our lives. He is a catalyst in my life and I thank God for his friendship.

Happy Birthday buddy!

Birthday Wishes For Buddy

Today is my good buddy's birthday!!! This is a pic of us two months ago where he completed the Los Angeles Marathon in just under four and a half hours. I'm still very proud of him! He and I have been friends for two years now and I appreciate him so much. We've also been room mates for over a year.

He continues to be a person in my life that I value greatly. I'm gonna have flowers sent to his work today - he teaches at a school for individuals with special needs. For so many reasons, he's still one of my heroes! I've talked about why before in previous posts. Read them here. He knows it.

Happy Birthday Buddy!

A Community of Heroes

[Note: Scroll down to see the YouTube video and lyrics of Avril Lavigne's "Keep Holding On" with scenes from the movie Eragon.]

This is Shawn. He's my pal. Be good to him.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about how great it felt to take the time to shop around town for Christmas items that would really make a friend feel thought of. Well, my Christmas package traversed approximately 6,617 miles on a heading 285.5 degrees West by north then 234.0 degrees Southwest by west to a location 34 degrees 05' North latitude and 118 degrees 22' West longitude, arriving at Colonia in the Federated States of Micronesia on an island called Yap, just a few days after Christmas.

I happened to be chatting with Shawn online when the package got there. See him in the photo fabulously modeling and displaying the items. Once everyone saw the gourmet flavored coffee I sent, he hilariously reported , "i think everyone in the room just had an orgasm from the coffee".

Shawn is a Peace Corps volunteer there and teaches over 150 juniors at Yap High School (I call them the junior yapsters). He just arrived there this past fall and he'll be there for 2 years - that's until 2008! It's a challenge for him - teaching the kids, being in a different land, missing his family and friends, not participating in the holiday traditions in the ways that he's used to, longing for tangible and affirming fellowship - but he does his best and he's simplying trying to help. That's what makes him one of my heroes.

Don't worry, the pedestal isn't too high. He's a normal guy just like you and me. But that's the thing about heroes - they are just regular people who believe they can contribute to changing this world . . . .

It seems so lofty - for me to claim or cling to a vision of making a difference, some kind of difference. Who are we to be in the company of the icons of history - Martin Luther King Jr, Susan B. Anthony, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Jesus Himself. The history books are filled with people who affected such massive and significant change. Did they know? Did they realize at the time that they were about to contribute to an unstoppable wide scale movement that would lead to the reformation of our culture and society?

Perhaps the scope of such ramifications were kept manageable by containing such vision and passion into a precise purpose - equality, freedom.

When injustice is revealed and the cries and calls to God are made, the true heroes respond. They are the ones who stand in the gap willing to subject themselves to the persecution of the majority so that aid can be given to the outcasts, the oppressed, the helpless and the misunderstood. It is this kind of sacrifice that grants them the respect of history.

But it's a lonely place. The role of the visionary is to help others see what is not presently and physically in front of them. It is to offer hope and assurance that what could be will indeed be. And it's to rally the community to own such a vision so that they become the very heroes that they are crying out for.

Take off the glasses, Clark. You are superman.

I had been so discouraged lately - the past few months or so. I'd had enough of life to deal with and it seemed too big a task to attempt to change my world. But the spark of vision remains.

None of us can change the world alone. We need each other. We are a community of heroes simply trying to help in what ever way that we can. We battle the elements. We battle our insecurities. We battle the persecutors. We battle the very conditions that we are trying to change. And we get weary. But at our core lies our passion and vision. And that drives us forward to keep holding on, to keep pressing on, to keep moving on.

I am honored to be in the company of such heroes - Justin Lee, Peterson Toscano, Shawn, Justin Rudd, Becky 0, Ron Belgau, GCB, Journeyman, Angel, Abigail Garner, my buddy, Bryan, Christine, Jay, the countless at GCN, and so many many more! These are all people simply trying to help, people casting vision, people creating conversation, or people trying to figure themselves out - struggling to see the hero in the mirror.

There are times when we feel like no one gets us. Sometimes we don't even get ourselves. There are times when we are longing for home or even still searching for where home is. There are times when we are desperately wondering if any of this is worth it . . . is any of this making any kind of difference?

We are not alone. We understand each other. We encourage each other. We hold on to each other.

The following song is for us. If you happen to be on some island out there in the Pacific Ocean with the slowest internet connection on the planet, take the time to let the song load so that you can enjoy it with us!



"Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne from the movie Eragon.

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Birthday Dinner With Buddy

Tonight, I spent the evening having a birthday dinner with my buddy. He took me to a nice local restaurant piano bar near where we live and the atmosphere and ambiance was superb! The lighting was nice, the songs being played on the piano in the background was nice, the table setting with our glasses of wine were nice, the conversation was nice. It was a great place to be to catch up on the past few days and also to talk about life and things.

We've been room mates for the past six months and we've been friends for about a year and a half now. This is definitely a friendship that I cherish because my buddy was one of the early catalysts for me being on this journey of mine. He's the one I refer to in my story (Sankofa Part 3) when I talk about how I first began to question whether or not I owned my beliefs about the gay issue . . . .

Our friendship with each other has always been characterized as catalytic. We affect each other. We grow from each other. We stretch each other. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. He's in my inner circle. He's the friend I'd call in an emergency. He's the friend who's bedside i'd be at when he's got an emergency. He's got all of these quirky idiosyncrasies that I love (- like how he squints his eyes and slips out the tip of his tongue when he laughs or like how he lightly scratches that area between his upper lip and his nose with the tip of his finger when ever he's making a point about life in the mid West or (my favorite) like when he's fluttered, he let's out a short mini-burst of 'ahhh' mixed with a smile and wave of both his hands).

He's a good friend to have. He's my buddy. And we've had challenging times in our friendship but we both communicated through it. We've both been vulnerable with each other. We've both been asses to each other. We've both accepted each other for who we are - as we are. We've developed a trust with each other - there are things I've shared with him that few people on this planet know about.

In fact, tonight during our conversation he said something to me that completely challenged and inspired me. I was floored because he was right about the observation he made about me and the possible reason why I do (something in particular) the way I do. I love our friendship because we can both speak truth into each other. And it's typically received well.

I honor and value his friendship and he is truly a gift from God.

The Return of Buddy and Sunday Afternoon Naps

Whew! So the weekend craziness has come and gone and I definitely feel a bit more relaxed. As a friend of mine said to me today, "you're smiling!"

A few days ago (in my last post in "Sleepless Nights"), I mentioned that my buddy/room mate is returning from his 3 week vacation in the Mid-West. I was excited to see him again so I cleaned up the apartment when I got back from the training conference (which I'll mention below), made my very first flower arrangement for him - white carnations with lavendar baby's breath, greenery and blue ribbons (what do ya think?), and I picked him up at LAX. (He knows that every time I say "buddy" in this blog I'm referring to him so it kinda stuck with us outside of the blog). It was good reconnecting with him again!

So the training conference . . . .

Well, i went in to work early on Friday - about 8 a.m. - since it was the last day before the event. As is typical, I stayed as long as it took to take care of everything that needed to be done. I left the office at 10:20 p.m. (As a side note, that older co-worker that I mentioned before - the one that makes me want to pull my hair out - left the office an hour early at 3 p.m. and was incredibly useless, lazy and unhelpful at the event the next day. She was there to help staff the event but I had to function as if she wasn't someone I could utilize. She literally refused to pick up a (light) box of binders while we were looking for something important. Sigh. Whatever. Enough about her.) I got home, did laundry because I couldn't fall asleep - not really anxiety, more like anticipation - and finally got to bed around 1:30 a.m. I came back in to the office at 6:30 a.m. to start the day and coordinate the logistics of the event.

In a nutshell, I think it went well. Over the years, I've learned that planning as much as possible before an event is important because it minimizes potential problems but once the event starts, you've gotta be flexible and adaptable because there will always be uncontrollable or unforeseen things that will come up. We were able to follow the schedule and I did my best to handle the curve balls.

I said before that it was my "coming out event" (or as my Michigan friend (Matt) says, my "debut event") because this was the first event that demonstrated to my co-workers, bosses (the office manager and the executive director), and the board of directors that I can handle the logistics of an important event. Before this, they didn't have a frame of reference for my potential, so as the new guy I kinda felt underestimated. Now, hopefully, they'll feel like they can give me similar events in the future to be responsible for. I'll admit that there's a sense of fulfillment when an event goes well. I enjoy working behind the scenes to make things happen. Fortunately, i'm happy to report that I got lots of positive feedback from the higher-ups who were pleased with the way everything went.

The event ended and I left for home (to clean the apartment for my buddy's return) by 4:30pm Saturday. I feel good that it's behind me and a weight has been lifted - of course, that is until the next event. After having so many sleepless nights, especially every night this past week, I enjoyed a nice long Sunday afternoon nap. I thank God that I've got Monday off!

Happy Birthday Buddy!

This is a special Happy Birthday shout out to my buddy (and new room mate)!

For those who hadn't realized the subtlety in my writing, every time I make reference to "my buddy" in this blog, i'm referring to the same guy. He inspires me to a fresh paradigm of the world, my community, and my own personal growth. The Lord used him to catalyze this journey of mine that led to me exploring what it looks like to be both gay and Christian - this whole Two World Collision thing.

I'm loving having him as a new room mate too! We get along well and we are learning how to share living space. He's been an awesome friend to me - he's always supported my journey, the work with my first non-profit, and now the work with Catalyst. I truly appreciate his friendship and I wish him a very Happy Birthday!

Share the love and wish him a Happy Bday for me!

Insomnia, the Crazy Week, the Swollen Ankle, and that Video

[Note: Scroll down to see the YouTube video of Pink & the Indigo Girls performing "Dear Mr. President".]

This post is just a quickie to fill you in on what's been going on with me this past week. For starters, i've had insomnia every night for the past five or six days. I'm finding myself laying up in bed unable to fall asleep as tons of thoughts race through my mind. You ever have those nights where your thoughts keep you up? I am typically falling asleep around 2:30 a.m. and I'm also finding that i'm naturally waking up every night at about 6 a.m. I seriously need a full night's sleep! I think it's a combination of all the things that are going on right now (plus my bed sucks) . . . .

Last Wednesday night, I had the honor of sharing at Open Door Ministries' (Long Beach) mid-week service/fellowship/study. I had half an hour and I spoke about many of the same things that I've written about in the past regarding my 'Church' paradigm and relational communities (see section in the column on the right). I also talked about transitions that the Church is experiencing right now and how the Church of today ought to be preparing for the Church of the next 20-30 years. I think it was an awesome time and I was honored to have been asked to share! =)

Last Thursday night, I went to the men's discussion group that I go to at the gay and lesbian center here in Long Beach. It was awesome because it was a very diverse group in terms of ethnicity and age. There's always interesting insight from the great mix of guys.

Last week, I've been working on the very lengthy federal application to get the 501(c)(3) non profit status for Catalyst. I'm about half way done. I really want to do this well because typically 95% of non-profits have their application sent to an IRS reviewer because they messed something up (mostly because they were not specific enough about their programs). The approval doesn't come for about a year and a half. But for those that do everything right and are very specific, these few can get their approval in about a month. Guess which group I'm trying to be in . . . yep, the few that get their approval letter right away because I found out that I can't apply for the Wells Fargo grant (who by the way are extremely GLBTQ friendly) until I have this letter from the IRS. I may be getting a part time job while I do all this because I may not be able to fundraise for Catalyst as quickly as I need to. A friend of mine has been working on a header graphic image for the Catalyst web site. It's coming along. Once it's done, i'll let you know the web address! =)

A friend of mine from the San Francisco Bay area came down to visit for the weekend. A bunch of GCNers got together for a picnic at Griffith Park in the Los Angeles area today so that's why he was around. I took him roller blading on Friday from Bolsa Chica state beach to Huntington Beach. On the way, I fell on some asphault and had a minor scratch. It's funny because when he looked back to see me fall, he also fell. I fell because i was trying to avoid a patch of holes in the sidewalk. I realized, afterwards, that I probably would not have fallen if I just allowed myself to roll through the rough path instead of trying to go the easy way (which proved not so easy in the end anyway). There's an awesome life/spiritual lesson in there if you look for it - how many times do we end up falling because we were trying to take the easy way out? (I'm sure there's someone out there that thinks me accepting myself as gay is just me taking the easy route. On the contrary, there's nothing easy about this route i've taken for my life!) Later, we went to dinner, then we connected with a few other GCNers that evening and we all went to a coffee shop in LA, then went to a few hot spots in West Hollywood. Today (Sunday) was the picnic and we played volleyball. I sprained my ankle, put ice on it for about an hour, then played more volleyball. Yep, not so good on my ankle so right now it has swollen up pretty fat. Ouch! But the volleyball was super fun!

On Saturday morning, i got the last of my things out of the old apartment (much thanks to my friend Joon (he's commented on this blog in the past) and his partner Alan for all their help!). I went back to vacuum, do some cursory cleaning (because i figured they'd have someone else clean more thoroughly), and turn in the keys and when I was done, it was weird because I had one of those moments of standing at the front door with my hand on the knob ready to lock up while slowly taking a long last look across the room as memories of times there flooded my mind, then said my good bye and locked the door to that old apartment for the last time. Another transition was completed! Afterwards, I drove up to see my family for the afternoon because we were having birthday celebrations for both my brother and sister. On the freeway, I just felt so overwhelmed that I wanted to cry. I didn't though. It's not that i'm sad, it's just that so much is going on and it was one of those days that I just really really really needed a hug. It was good reconnecting with my family. My brother and his wife are having a wedding ceremony and reception next January for the family because initially they got married overseas and we missed it. I noticed that my brother made a gay joke with his friend. Interesting. I think its just still easier if he simply doesn't think about me being gay. When I got home that evening, I had tons of boxes to unpack from the morning move. I was super exhausted and even still had insomnia that night. The next day, I ended up waking up early to help set up for the picnic which lasted all day.

Tonight, I put more ice on my ankle and tried to relax. It was pretty chill here because my buddy had friends over and I talked with them for a bit. My buddy has been brushing up on his guitar playing and so when everyone left, he played an awesome song for me that a friend of his wrote when they both were in the peace corps. As I listened to him play, it reminded me of a song that I first heard over at Drew's video blog. The song is by Pink and the Indigo girls (who my buddy loves!) and it's called Dear Mr. President. I'm including the video below so be sure to check it out. When I first saw the video, I felt something. My point in putting it in this post is not to make a political statement but rather to (hopefully) have you feel something.

I'm tired and I've got a ton of things to do tomorrow. Hopefully my ankle swelling goes down. I'm off to bed and hopefully sleep! Be sure to check out the video below.

What do you feel when you hear this song?

Saving Face

[Note: Scroll down within this post to see video review of "Saving Face" on YouTube.]

Well, i've been settling in to the new apartment. I still have some things at the old place - i've sorta been taking my time since i have until the end of the month to be completely out, so it's been a slow and gradual move. I like it here though. It's alot spacier and I like having my buddy as a room mate. I live within walking distance from the grocery store and several food options - chinese, thai, mexican, pizza, pannini's, teriyaki burgers (let's hope i don't frequent these places too much). The upstairs neighbors are loud though - ugh! I can hear every foot step. I like it though.

Tonight, my buddy and I watched an awesome movie on DVD that I totally recommend to everyone and their mother (no, really. watch it with your mother). The movie is called Saving Face and it's about a chinese lesbian doctor (super super beautiful BTW!) and her mother who both experience the tension of having a culturally taboo love - the daughter having a romance with another (beautiful) chinese woman and the mother (single) getting pregnant and refusing to reveal who the father is . . . .

It's funny because there was a scene in the movie that my buddy and I happened to see when we both watched the GLAAD awards last week and when the scene came up we were both trying to figure out where we'd seen it. The scene was with the daughter coming out to her mother and she says, "I love you. And I'm gay." and her mother responds with something like, "how can you say those two things to me at the same time. My daughter is not gay." and she responds with something like, "then maybe i'm not your daughter." Totally awesome scene. I don't remember if they won the GLAAD award or not.

I found this movie to be absolutely hilarious! And at the same time, it was relevant to so many of us who experience that collision of worlds where our culture leaves little room for us to be with the one we love. I thought the movie did a great job at portraying the way gossip from family and friends can keep us in the closet in order to spare ourselves from the embarassment of other people's ridicule. I related well with the asian family dynamic too - of having mom's in a sort of denial still trying to fix us up and get us married - mom's not wanting other family member's to know that she has a gay child. There were so many elements to this movie that hit home with me. But i don't want to say too much or else it'd spoil the movie for you. So, for sure, you have to go see this movie. Really. Go see it! In the mean time, check out the website and watch the trailer. Also here's a review from Cinema AZN of the movie for you to watch:

Going Into Labor

It's been roughly nine months (about two weeks shy) of when I started this blog recording my journey of figuring out what it means to be gay and Christian.

Five years ago, I would have bucked the idea of such blasphemy. Four years ago, God led me to confronting the conflict within me. Two years ago, God began to break my heart for "the" gay community. One year ago, God began to break my heart for "my" gay community. Nine months ago, God conceived in me a vision - a realization that He was working amidst this gay community and that I was a part of it.

This week, it seems i've begun that labor process of birthing a new vision. In a season of transitions, I'm about to enter a new chapter of my life. Today, March 31st, is the official last day of being employed by my public ministry - that non-profit organization that I co-founded (my first baby). Tomorrow, April 1st, is the official incorporation day of Catalyst - my new public and "out" non-profit organization (my second baby) that I am founding to specifically work within our gay community here in Long Beach.

My week-long labor has included a number of contractions . . . .

For starters, there's the submission of an application for an apartment for my buddy and I. I am currently paying $1,330 rent for a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. We found a two bedroom/two bathroom apartment with washer/dryer included, balcony, and gated garage parking for only $1,100 rent. Between the two of us, that will cut this expense in half for me. Two days ago, our application was approved! We can start the move-in in about two weeks. Tomorrow, i'll be submitting my 30-day notice to terminate my rental lease early.

Since i'll be leaving my job, I really don't know when i'll have health insurance again. This week, I wrote the letter to our insurance to terminate my health plan at the end of March. I never really used my benefits while I had it (except for my vision plan so that i could get new glasses last year). I suppose I took it for granted. I figured that I should at least get a medical check up before I leave. So last week, I saw a doctor and had some blood work done. My main concern was my blood sugar. For the past five years, i noticed that every once in a while (usually when hungry) i would get sweaty palms, dizziness, slight tremors in my right hand, and sometimes get close to blacking out. It wouldn't happen all the time. Just when I was hungry. Usually eating something sweet seems to stabilize me so I kinda figured that maybe it was an issue with my blood sugar. Yesterday, I saw the doctor again and my lab results showed no problems. It seems that i'm pretty healthy actually. It's no big surprise - I've been working out regularly and eating better over the past year, i've lost 25-30 pounds since January 2005 and have maintained it since, my blood pressure is great, and it appears that my blood sugar is normal. Another no big surprise - i'm HIV negative. (I wasn't worried about that, it's just good to get another baseline).

So why the tremors in my hand? He thinks that maybe it's anxiety. Ya think?

Yesterday, I also went to the last meeting of the planning team for that group that hosted that conference this last January. That was a significant season for me because we went through some fire together - conflicts with each other, conflicts that the Church is dealing with. There were times that were personally challenging for me. There was that time that I was "profoundly offended". There was that time that I wanted to vomit. Then there was the actual conference event. After the event, none of us on the planning team wanted to talk about any of it again. We were too exhausted and it took so much out of all of us. Now, two months after the event, we got together again to debrief and close the door on that whole thing. We resolved yesterday that while we may or may not do the same kind of event again in that same way, we will, however, continue to work for the good of the Kingdom in each of our own ways - in the ways that God has called us - and will maintain connections with each other. Needless to say, it was good to have closure on all of that.

Another huge contraction was beginning the process of incorporating Catalyst. I went to the county clerk's office to file for my fictitious business name statement. It seems that "Catalyst" is a business name that's already taken so our official name is actually "Catalyst Long Beach". It's okay - "Catalyst" for short will do just fine. So I filed the paperwork and got it published in a local newspaper for the next four weeks as required. Now that I have the official name set, I could then file to get a tax-id number for non-profit status. This is important so that I can accept donations and grants for funding. I got the number and am continuing that process to secure our 501(c)(3) status. I also worked on the Articles of Incorporation. I drafted it and sent it off to the Secretary of State in California. As I wrote it, it kinda felt like writing the Declaration of Independence. I was officially saying "here we are" to the world! I dated the Articles for April 1, 2006 and signed my John Hancock. Tomorrow's the day!

I've also been talking with my brother about creating a temporary logo for Catalyst. While I am pretty capable of writing code and scripts in building dynamic Web sites, I have zero talent with graphic design. I can build a Web site that can do alot, it'll just look like crap! So i usually work with a graphic artist to do all the pretty stuff. I've got a good eye for things (I think) so i can give good direction. I just don't have the skill to work that freaking Photoshop! I swear that application was built for a totally different brain! There are coders and there are graphic designers and they both use different parts of the brain. I'm a coder. Kudos to those who can do both! Anyway, my brother just recently learned Photoshop in a couple classes so he's going to come up with something temporary. I need it too because there were lots of opportunities this week where I wish I had a business card to give and a Web site to refer people to. Anyway, he says he'll hopefully have something to show me tonight.

Another major contraction - this afternoon, i'm planning on writing out my strategic business plan and case statement for Catalyst. I've written down some preliminary ideas and now i'll be articulating the meat of what we'll be doing. With these two documents, i'll be able to produce all other things - Web site content, brochures, grants, and information for donors.

So there have definitely been some labor contractions this week - significant milestones leading up to this new season of serving God and my community here in Long Beach. God and I - we're having another baby tomorrow - the birthing of a new vision that will (hopefully) catalyze this city towards trust, leadership, and life!

Taking Relational Risks

I'm learning that maybe it's okay to make some mistakes. Safe mistakes. It'd be terrible to do something so stupid that i'd jeopardize my health or life, but what if I allowed myself to go out and take some relational risks - be present and see what happens, see what God does.

I've been building friendship relationships but not necessarily romantic relationships. The thought of dating is actually kind of scary to me. I've never been on an actual date with another guy. Scratch that - I went on one several years ago but that was when I was paranoid for being in ministry and in the closet so I made sure nothing more came out of that "one" night. Now, things are different. My journey has taken me to a place of wanting to see what this would actually look like - for me to serve God in ministry while engaging in a committed relationship with a guy. But that would first require dating which would in turn require being present - emotionally and physically.

Believe me - for those of you who are "concerned" about the path i'm talking about taking - the huge hestitation for me is where this may lead....

I've always denied myself romantic relationships because I didn't want to "corrupt" myself with anything gay-related. Since i'm not straight, I wasn't exactly pursuing a relationship with a woman. The result has been a loneliness that I'm not sure how to describe to a straight person. If I were on a date with a guy or was even in a dating relationship with, can I trust myself to maintain boundaries? If so, then perhaps a relationship of substance can be nurtured. If not, could I be placing myself in a dangerous situation? So yeah, i'm concerned too.

It's pretty obvious, from my posts over the past couple months, that i'm inclined to believe that the sinfulness of homosexuality as referenced in Scripture has to be considered in the context of lust, selfishness, violence, and idolatry and that loving and committed relationships don't fall in that category. (I say "inclined" because it's not a concrete conclusion - i'm still open to the other perspectives). It's just that, at some point, I've gotta find out for myself if I can really see the fruit of the Spirit in the context of a loving relationship with another guy. I can't simply rely on the books and essays i've read or the warnings from concerned people or the encouragement of those in the gay world. This is my journey. I need to discern for myself what the Spirit is telling me. I trust Him enough to walk this through with me. Either He'll show me that this is a fruitless pursuit or He'll show me that there indeed is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in a monogamous same-sex relationship.

Yeah, that's risk.

The other risk is my own esteem. The last thing I need is to purposefully place myself in a situation of being rejected. Yet the affirming thing about this blog has been the many friendships that we've started with each other via comments, email, instant message, or phone conversations. In one particular instant message with a new friend, I laughed about noticing that someone found Two World Collision by searching for "hot filipino gay guys". (It's actually pretty hilarious to see the things people Google to end up coming here.) But my new friend pointed out that he doesn't recall ever seeing a photo of me at this site and yet some people are ending up here looking for "hot". As i thought more about it, I realized that I've been able to interact with all of you in ways that has nothing to do with what I actually look like. And so, what if I functioned in the "real" world in much the same way. What if I was simply myself - confident in the person I am without feeling like I have to look a certain way. Perhaps the quality of my conversation with a sense of confidence is enough to be attractive to someone else. Since physical attraction is relative to each individual's taste and perception, perhaps my esteem can stay in tact.

What about the other issue? Maintaining boundaries. Can I trust myself? It'd be smart to have them as I'm being "present" out there. I was talking to my buddy tonight and he gave me some good suggestions. (Disclaimer: i'll apologize now in case you think some of them sound a bit raw but i'll share it in case it could benefit others.) For starters, my buddy says that I can always call him at the end of the evening if I decided in advance that I wasn't going to go home with anyone that night. (What a pal, huh?) He also says that we can do the whole double date thing so that I'm not out there doing this alone. This could allow input from my friends that I may not perceive of the guy. Some other things he mentioned was putting things in my car such as laundry baskets in the front and back seats so that I can't take anyone home with me. Or placing something embarassing in my car so that I wouldn't want a guy I just met to see it. The "raw" suggestion he mentioned was "relieving" myself before going out on a date so that my hormones weren't dictating my decisions. I think an important thing my buddy said was that I should communicate to the guy in the beginning that we are not going to have sex tonight. His response could reveal alot about this guy's character and what he's looking for.

Definitely some good stuff.

I want to do what's healthy. I want to do what's right. But I feel like this is a part of my journey that I need to see for myself. For so long I paralyzed myself from being able to connect with someone intimately. It's been incredibly lonely. I think taking safe risks are okay. Maybe it's okay to find out what kind of guys I don't like. Maybe it's okay to discover what a bad relationship would be like. Maybe it's okay for me to fall for a guy and have my heart broken. I still trust Jesus enough to walk with me through this. The fruit will speak for itself, i'll learn from it, and move on from there.

Band of Brothers and Sisters

I was chatting with a buddy of mine on the phone tonight while at the grocery store. We talked about the way that sometimes Christians fill up their schedules with things to do - many times church events - and that we don't allow ourselves to just "be" our faith, that is, to spend time doing what could possibly be the more important and perhaps even the more effective thing - building relationships.

I'll admit that I have a tendency to get busy on purpose - even when I have free time, it becomes busy time. Back in the day, I used to fill my calendar with the weekly routine of church culture. There was sunday school, sunday morning service, sunday evening service, mid-week Bible study, worship team practice, and of course the mens' saturday breakfast once every month. If there was a singles group, the meetings were promptly placed on my calendar. The church concert had to be scheduled in. The youth were having a car wash fundraiser so I had to support that. Let's not forget to come early to help set up chairs and sound equipment for service on sunday. And of course, there were the prayer meetings. In all these things, I thought I was a good Christian because I was "involved" in church.

But I've realized over the past four years or so that being involved in church didn't give me much time to be involved in people's lives . . . .

The way I was, I didn't know very many people who were not Christian. I knew lots of church people, but not very many real people (if you know what i mean). Now I'm hungry for relationships. But what if building relationships was "church"? I mean, what if the building of relationships was me simply being the "church" in this world? I think that within church culture, we have such a tendency to program-a-tize our faith. We have to put some kind of structure so that it can be easy to define and identify whether or not we are "doing" church. But what if living it was more important than doing it?

Some people may take a look at my calendar and assess that I "go" to two (maybe three) churches. Does this make me an uncommitted person? Does this make me a "church-hopper"? I don't think so. I see it as me being a part of one church - God's Church - and that I am simply connecting with His people in various pockets. While I do acknowledge some value in the traditional and institutional model/structure of "church" (see also "Death of a church and Life in the Hot Zone" and "Jumping The Walls"), I also think that less structured associations of believers who are relationally connected is also a valid expression of "church". I think that we can be a group of like-minded (perhaps not even that in some areas) people who are committed to each other but not necessarily committed to the structure that brings us together. I think that our commitment to each other makes us more of a "church" than does our commitment to the "church" organization as a member.

What if we were more focussed on being the Church than on whether or not our activities allowed us to be called a "church"? What if we were so committed to each other in our relationships that we really got to know each other? What if we began to care for, love, and trust one another? What if we understood each other and knew that we could count on each other to call our "crap" on the carpet - keeping each other accountable? What if we were not so co-dependent of our relationships with each other and totally felt comfortable and even encouraged new people to be a part of our little band of brothers and sisters? What if we were less committed to doing the routine of "church" and more committed to routinely being the "church" with each other? What if instead of saying that we'll have bible study every friday night, we committed to doing something every friday night - together? Let's go to the bar. Let's go to the park. Let's go down to the beach and baptize one of us. Let's hang out in the living room reading Ephesians. Let's make dinner for one of our grand parents. Let's bring dinner to the neighbors who just had a baby. What if we did all these things and decided to go to a sunday morning service too? Or maybe we didn't. What if we didn't program-a-tize the "how-to's" and "to-do's" of church and instead simply committed to regularly and intentionally being the church together?

I know it seems "out-of-the-box" for some people. But normal friendships aren't program-a-tized. If we're going to be the Church with each other and in our community of people who don't yet know Jesus, instead of dragging them to a church building early on a sunday morning or on a friday night to sit in a chair for 45 minutes to listen to some person they don't even know talk at them, then let's be a Church of normal relationships. The other is just plain weird.