New TWC Collaborative Community

Three years and four months ago I started Two World Collision to chronicle my journey of reconciling my faith and sexuality. At first I was anonymous and was able to process my raw thoughts about questions and answers, sex and relationships, love and lust, sin and biblical interpretation, the spectrum of perspectives, my paradigm of Church, community and vision.

Along the way my journey towards Christ evolved from seeking clarity to seeking authenticity. In walking with Jesus, I found the peace of God's love and was able to find a cohesion of my two worlds - exploring what it looks like to live a vibrant faith and a healthy sexuality. I say that not in the context that I have achieved those two things, but rather that my direction is shaped by my desire for both those two things.

I still have a lot to learn.

I've had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of ways besides this blog. I've written my story in narrative form. I've told my story through audio podcast interviews. I've shared my story in newspaper publications and magazines. I've given my story on Youtube video. I've contributed my story on other web sites. I've even shared my story at public events (which I'm hoping to do more!). I'm currently working on sharing my story in a series of three books (stay tuned and pray for me in that please).

But along the way of sharing my story more and more openly and authentically, I've encountered so many friends on this same path with Christ. We've discovered that we are not alone.

For some time now, I've wanted to make a shift here at Two World Collision from me telling my story to you telling your story. I've been humbled to have received emails from around the world these past three years from people who have read my blog, cried, related, and reached out to me. It's been amazing to see what God has done through this. I've also encountered fellow bloggers who are also sharing their story. We all have a story. We all can find some parts of someone else's story that we can relate with. I think it's important for people out there to realize that there are people like you and I who have reconciled our faith and sexuality or that there are others on a similar journey. There are too many of us that feel alone.

So I decided to establish a space for us to build a sense of community with fellow sojourners. Alas, I am proud to announce the evolution of the Two World Collision blog to the Two World Collision Collaborative Community. It's a web site where we all help shape. Each of us contributes content to it - our stories, our blogs, our videos, our artwork, our research, our reviews and anything else we have found helpful for our own journeys so that we can pass it along to help someone else's journey. It's also a place where we can talk through discussion boards, connect with others through their profiles, and share photos.

Don't worry, I'll still have this blog to process my own thoughts and share vision.

So go ahead! Get on over to "our" space at http://twoworldcollision.wetpaint.com!

And be sure to use the "Invite" to tell your friends to join us too!

Side X Culture

This is the fourth video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read "Sankofa (Part 3)" and also "Side X Culture and a Vision for an Inclusive Community."

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.

And now watch, Part 4: Side X Culture:

Isolation and Exclusion

This is the third video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, read "Community of Profound Loneliness".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion:

The Ex-Gay Program

This is the second video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, also read my "Ex-Gay Survivor Story".

Have you missed previous segments? Be sure to check out:

Part 1: Suicide and the Porcelain Punisher.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program:

Suicide and The Porcelain Punisher

This is the first video segment of my four part Survivor series telling my story of growing up gay, becoming Christian, struggling with same sex attractions, and reconciling the conflict between my faith and my sexuality. Daniel Gonzales of Box Turtle Bulletin (and in partnership with Beyond Ex-Gay) recorded, created and edited the video (creative commons license).

To supplement this video, you can also read "Sankofa (Part 1)".

Here are the other segments of the video series:

Part 2: The Ex-Gay Program.
Part 3: Isolation and Exclusion.
Part 4: Side X Culture.

And now watch, Part 1: Suicide and The Porcelain Punisher:

My Ex-Gay Survivor Story

My name is Eric Leocadio. I am an Ex-Gay Survivor.

To say that I wanted to be straight is an understatement. I knew that I was gay since I was 9 years old. Even at that early age, I knew how socially unacceptable it was for me to like other boys my age. It was never anything I had to figure out. I simply knew that I was gay and no one could know.

By the time I reached my freshman year in high school, I tried to kill myself. I was a teenager and the message that I received for so many years by my friends, my family, my classmates and myself, was that I was not acceptable because I was gay. I looked in the mirror and I hated that guy. So I wanted to die . . . .

I was tired of feeling rejected. I was tired of feeling different. I was tired of feeling like no one really knew who I was because there was a part of me that had to stay a secret. The closet is a lonely place.

I was 14 years old when I cupped both my hands together, filled them with pills (asprin, Tylenol, and such), swallowed every one, and washed them down with water. Then I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up in complete regret as I began the process of having my body involuntarily spew out the contents of my stomach. I vomited for several minutes, divinely timed, from 7:00 PM through 5:00 AM every hour on the hour on the dot. These were grueling sessions with what I refer to as my “porcelain punisher”. I experienced 10 hours of bile-filled hell. After living through this, I wanted to die!

I didn’t tell anyone at home what I had done. No one would have taken me to the hospital. So God, before I knew Him, pumped my stomach for me. I realized, then, that He wasn’t done with me yet.

I survived, in pain, my own suicide.

I eventually became a Christian when I was 16 years old. I grew in faith and in my knowledge of God and I embraced a Church family and Church culture that I desperately wanted to be a part of – to be accepted by. This was a culture that valued heterosexuality as prime and superior. To come out as anything but straight would have been social suicide. And I was a part of this culture. For over 12 years, I believed, taught, and advocated that it was a sin to be gay. My only outlets of expressing my sexuality were limited to those things done in secrecy. This further fractured my sense of self as I maintained a dualistic life – one lived in public light and the other lived in private darkness.

I had pleaded with God to change me. I had pleaded with God to forgive me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve made some mistakes. I have done things that I regret. But you cannot develop a healthy sexuality in the secret places. I explored my sexuality in unhealthy ways, without the input of my spiritual community because talking about it would have meant revealing the secret that I was gay. And the Church isn’t so good at talking about its own taboo secrets.

I decided that I needed help so I participated in ex-gay programs of Desert Stream Ministries. For roughly two years from 2002-2004, I was a part of their informal support groups called Cross Current. In 2004, I completed their six month program called Living Waters designed to assist people with their “sexual and relational brokenness”. At the time, I believed along with them that homosexuality was a form of brokenness. I thought that I was broken. They told me that embracing a heterosexual value system was needed in order for my restoration and wholeness.

After spending several hundred dollars and countless hours in the ex-gay program, I graduated still believing that being gay was a sin and that being straight was the ideal. Unlike so many others who have survived traumatic experiences from programs like these, I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t exit the program terrorized. Perhaps, it was because I bought into their notion that I may have to live with being gay for the rest of my life but that there were tools that I could implement to suppress my homosexuality so that I could outwardly present myself as straight – as ex-gay.

Over the years, I used to participate and sometimes lead prayer groups against the gay community. But while praying these things to God, at the same time He spoke back to me over a period of months asking me two things: Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?

God led me to realize that I really didn’t know gay people because out of my own shame I avoided them. He also challenged my hypocrisy. I realized that I couldn’t own my beliefs that it was wrong to be gay. I believed such things because that’s the only thing I was taught. So in 2005, I began my own personal journey of allowing my two dualistic worlds to collide, to enter what I call the “hot zone” – that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject.

I invested countless hours in prayer – but this time it wasn’t for God to make me straight but rather it was for God to show me His heart for gay people. I spent time in the Scriptures and studied, for myself, the passages that referenced homosexuality and also looked at the Bible as a whole and in context with this newer lens. I began to meet gay people absent of any conversion agenda. I wasn’t going to convert anyone to be either straight or Christian. My intention was simply to get to know people and to build genuine relationship. What I found changed my paradigm.

I discovered that God was present in the gay community. I previously assumed in error that it was full of darkness but I discovered that God was among them. I met friendly gay people who loved God and/or wanted to learn more about Him. I met gay Christians with a genuine faith. I met gay people who were actually having spiritual conversations in coffee shops, bookstores, clubs, bars, and in restaurants. I met gay people who affirmed a lifestyle of commitment and monogamy and faith.

Being a witness to these things opened a can of worms for me. I saw God among the very people that the Church interpreted to be unclean. Great! Now what? What does this mean for all of my previously held faulty assumptions about gay people and their place in the Church? I was wrong. I had to change my paradigm based on what God was revealing to me. I realize how hard this is for people (like me) who had been so confident about such assumptions about gay people. It requires humility. The truth is that since God is present and working and moving and touching, there is light within the gay community and I discovered that it was indeed possible to live a lifestyle of genuine faith in God within the context of being a gay person. So I reconciled my faith and my sexuality.

I acknowledged that I am a gay Christian.

I chronicled my journey on this blog at Two World Collision. It served as an outlet for me to process my raw thoughts. I received incredible feedback, including countless emails from people around the world who were relating with what I was journaling. As I shared my story and as we discovered each other, suddenly, we weren’t alone anymore. There was someone else somewhere out there that understood. Over the past two years, I’ve received a global readership with over 61,000 hits to the blog. There’s been a kind of community that has developed, as I’ve been increasingly willing to be vulnerable with my story.

I have since realized that ex-gay programs and the mainstream Church presents a mixed message to people like me. They tell us that God loves us unconditionally but that the Church will conditionally accept us as long as we conformed to their interpretation of “wholeness”. It is this mixed message that leaves people with a difficult choice: to renounce their sexuality or to renounce their faith.

These are the casualties of ex-gay programs.

The truth is that we are a part of God’s Church. Regardless of whether or not the Church would accept us as part of itself, God has accepted us through our faith in Christ.

It’s okay to come back.

As an ex-gay survivor, I know what it’s like to be in a spiritual climate hostile to my sexuality. I survived suicide. I survived my own attempts to manipulate my identity. Now I’ve found peace and healing through authenticity.

I may not be perfect but I am whole.

I’ve made difficult decisions in my life. I’ve done things that I regret. However, my character is not defined by the mistakes I’ve made but instead by the lessons I’ve learned.

There is a difference between being gay and expressing one’s sexuality in unhealthy ways. Both gay and straight people are fully capable of making poor decisions. The issue is not about whom we should love but rather it is about how we should love.

As a community of people who value God, faith, and each other, whether gay or straight, let’s explore what it looks like to love better.

Watch my YouTube video story on my time with the Ex-Gay Program here.

Tools for the Ex-Gay Recovery Process

The special feature question of the month for May over at Beyond Ex-Gay is:

How has a book, movie or web site helped you in your ex-gay recovery process?

I can identify two things that helped me in my ex-gay recovery process. The first is a web site called GayChristian.Net that helped me to discover the spectrum of beliefs about faith and sexuality. The second is the blogosphere. Both helped me to experience my own journey.

One year after completing the six-month Living Waters program, I was no less same-sex attracted than I was before the program. In fact, I was even lonelier because we were encouraged not to keep in contact with other people in the program . . . .

As I continued to live out my faith despite the attractions that I had, I was a part of (leading) prayer groups from throughout the city where we would often pray against the “spirit of homosexuality” and against gay people. It was then that God began to prompt my heart, “Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?”

I realized that I shouldn’t pray for someone I can’t love and I can’t love someone I don’t know. Therefore, with God’s leading, I began to pursue people’s stories so that I could begin to understand them better. When I discovered GayChristian.Net (GCN), I found an online community of people with similar stories. They were all same-sex attracted (or identified with gender differently) and they all loved God (or had a background of religion or faith). I also discovered that they didn’t all believe the same things about faith and sexuality. Some held a perspective called Side A that suggested that a person could be both gay and Christian in the context of monogamy, commitment, and covenant. Some held a perspective called Side B that suggested that a person may acknowledge the reality of being gay (having the attractions) while also being Christian but that we ought to be celibate and shouldn’t act upon our same-sex attractions because it is still a sin. Consequently, Side X would be the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian because it is a sin in any form or expression and that we should and can be transformed to be straight (ex-gay).

In addition to GCN, I also discovered the wonders of the blogosphere. It was an intricate web of personal stories chronicled on a blog – a web journal that linked to other blogs. It was a great way to read about the journeys of so many people who were just like me. I even started my own blog to tell my story and to explore authenticity. I gained a sense of community through the blogosphere because commentary, feedback, and encouragement (or criticism) was freely given. It really is a great way to get to know people. Through our common stories and mutual links, I developed actual (albeit virtual) friendships.

Discovering the diversity of what people believed about homosexuality in the context of genuine faith helped me to realize that there is a difference between various truths and the interpretation of truth. My ex-gay recovery process took some time. I had been conditioned to believe that being straight was part of the holiness equation. It was okay to question that. At the end of the day, I realized that my faith was in tact. Perhaps, my sexuality could remain in tact as well.

We're Not Done Yet

[Note: Scroll down to see ME giving the commencement speech at my University graduation on YouTube followed by the speech transcript!]

It's been a long six years since 2001. When will I stop marking time by it?

Sometimes the regrets and mistakes of the past can anchor my momentum forward. I can never redo that year. It will never come again. It is the paralyzing memories of that "rock-bottom" time which is why the November-December season has always been a difficult one for me.

Though tethered to that year, the choice to move forward served as my redemption. I could no longer be bound by the past, so God planted in me new vision in order to shift my attention. Upon looking into His eyes, I began to see hope and that is how I moved on from the past. I began walking towards Him, and along that journey I passed the present to get to the future.

The best way to get over the quicksand of looking backward is to keep looking forward . . . .

And that's what I did in 2002. I went to a friend's university graduation and watched her being recognized for earning a bachelor's degree. Prior to this, I had been out of school for 7 years - went to University for 2 1/2 years after high school then stopped due to lack of $$. During the ceremony, I saw myself on stage getting my bachelor's degree. Further, I saw myself being awarded Valedictorian. Additionally, I saw myself giving the commencement speech. I saw all of this and I wasn't even enrolled in school! And I knew that God was speaking to me.

So three days after this, the following Monday, I went in to the admissions office of my friend's university. I filled out an application, was interviewed, arranged financial aid, and I was enrolled for the next trimester which would start in two weeks. On February 25, 2005, I was recognized for earning a Bachelor of Science in Computer Information Systems, with a 4.0 GPA Summa Cum Laude, was awarded Valedictorian of my class, and was given the honor of delivering the student commencement speech for the three-campus graduation ceremony at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. (See speech below!)

When I think about how challenging the past has been, God always restores my joy by reminding me of the wonders that He performed shortly after those challenges. While 2001 was marked by mistakes, failures and endings, 2002 was marked by grace, vision and new beginnings; 2003 and 2004 was marked by forgiveness, healing and climbing; 2005 was marked by completion, shifting paradigms and new journeys; and 2006 was marked by resolution, releasing and renewed purpose.

In just a few years time, I saw God bring me from a place of shame and closets to a place of acceptance and light. The darkness of the closet inevitably leads to a stubbed toe or a broken leg. As God brought me into the light to reveal myself authentically, I understood unconditional love. I understood just how much God can make good come from horror. I understood the potential of the future in spite of the past.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

So God keeps me forward-thinking.

And what of 2007? It could potentially be a monumental year! How can I dare to seize the year when insecurities plague me with paralysis, remind me of deficiencies, and magnify my sense of loneliness?

I think of my favorite Biblical hero: David. But not David when he was king. I think of David when he was just a young cute shepherd boy who dared to challenge Goliath. Saul told the boy David that he is not capable of fighting the enemy's champion. But faithful David recalled the times when a lion or bear would attack one of the sheep he was tending. In rescue of the sheep, David had killed both the lion and the bear. Goliath would be no different. (1 Samuel 17:33-37). David's faith was strong and confident because he remembered past victories and used them as evidence of God's track record.

Well, the Lord has certainly established a successful track record with me in the countless times that he's preserved my life, fixed my mistakes, forgiven my sins, restored my purpose, and granted me vision. Time and time again, I have witnessed God's wonders and glory in the midst of pain and suffering.

So I enter 2007 without fear, despite 2001. I anticipate struggles. I expect challenges. I prepare for obstacles. But I look forward to the lessons, the victories, and the blessings that will come because I know my God's track record. We cannot stand by on the sidelines when there is too much Kingdom work to be done. God is not done yet. And neither are we.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)



Transcript of my Commencement Speech at DeVry University's Graduation Ceremony, February 25, 2005 at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California:

Good morning, to Dr. Dishman and Dr. Chu, to the Deans and Professors, to our families and friends, and to the graduating class of Fall 2004.

This is it! The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. So many people have invested in us – people who have loved us, cared for us, sacrificed for us, pushed us, and even hated us – but collectively they helped to propel us forward to this day. The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. But it’s not over.

Now is the time to give up…to give up on the idea that anything, really, is over. This is merely a transition – a part of our process. Most of us will be leaving DeVry. Where we learn may change, but we will always continue to learn…learn new skills, learn about ourselves, learn about the world. Now is the time to realize that we’re not done yet!

Now is the time to give in…to give in to the idea that we can do it…whatever our “it” is…we can do it! We have run this race – we’ve persevered. There are other races to run and to complete and to win. Let us choose to enter that race we call “life” – now is the time to believe in ourselves!

Now is the time to give back…to give back to our university, our family, and to our community. We have something of value to contribute. Let us remember to take that which we have learned and make it useful. Let us find ways to apply the skills and life lessons that we have learned and to sow them back into the world around us. Let’s find a way to encourage our professors; to bless our family; let’s find a way to mentor another person along similar or even different paths. Now is the time to invest back so that the collective return of a better world is reaped by us all.

We have come this far, but not alone. Friends and family, professors and peers, day care and health care, probation officers and loan officers – this day – this thing we did – we did together.

This is it! The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s say our thank you’s. Let’s say our apologies. Let’s say our congratulations. But let’s not say our good byes. We’re not done yet.

DeVry graduating class of Fall 2004 – see you out there!

Thank you.

You Don't Wear My Chains

[Note: Scroll down to see Augustana's "Boston" lyrics and link to music video on YouTube.]

I don't usually pay much attention to those once in a blue moon disrespectful and uneducated negative comments from someone who barely reads a few random posts and decides he/she knows everything about me. I can handle disagreement or a difference in perspective but I'll usually only delete the hateful ones. Last week, some (Anonymous) terd decided to leave several similar ones in a few posts from months ago. Here's one that he left behind:

"There are people who have never heard of christ and they follow him alot better than you'll ever know how to (according to your writings). They will go to heaven one day. But people like you make sure that they won't everyday."

It's funny how some hateful people can't seem to say what they intend to say while leaving their name or showing their face. They'd rather say it in secret or in darkness or wearing some kind of a hood. All in the name of Christ, apparently.

It was the fear of these sorts of people that kept me in the closet - especially, in the Church. My assumption was that everyone thought that way and so I didn't dare allow anyone to know what was going on inside of me. No one knew how scared I was. No one knew how confused I was. No one knew how frustrated I was. No one knew how angry I was. No one knew how lonely I was.

There were times when I just wanted to run - far away where no one knew me. In 2001, I wanted to do just that. And that's one of the reasons why I came back to Long Beach. I wanted to get the hell out of Riverside, CA . . . .

I had lived there for 14 years. It is about 60 miles inland and I finished high school there. I tried my first round of university there. I had a couple full time jobs there. I was in ministry there.

By 2001, I made the biggest mistake of my life - literally - and I lived through the fall out of it all. I hit the figurative rock bottom and it was the most challenging chapter of my life. I moved away from Riverside and I was glad to go. I still have family that live there and so for the first two years after leaving, I'd always feel physically sick to my stomach every time I came back to visit. The memories and regrets and crashing waves that overtook me were overwhelming!

But the waves subsided.

Long Beach, CA is now my home. Perhaps I feel that it is because this is the place God restored me. This is the place he rebuilt what I thought was gone and lost. That which I thought I destroyed, He recreated and presented to me as new and different.

I was here before Riverside and now I'm back. It had been over a decade since I was last here and so there were few people still around that really knew me. In 2002, I had the opportunity of starting fresh. Now, four years later, I don't feel like I want to run or hide or start anything all over. I used to feel like I had nothing left to lose. Now, there's a reason for me to stay.

Augustana's "Boston" is one of my new favorite songs (even though the local radio plays it way too much) because I relate with the song. I understand the pain behind the lyrics. Long Beach is my Boston.

To the terd who left me those comments last week and thinks he knows all about me, just remember that you don't wear the chains I've had and that God removed from my wrists. And you've got no power to keep me bound.

"Boston" by Augustana

Click here to watch video.

In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear, you look so lost,
eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
yeah.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,

Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name.

Happy Birthday Two World Collision

[Note: Scroll down within this post to see Dolly Parton's "Travelin' Thru" lyrics from TransAmerica along with the YouTube video.]

This is it! Sound the party favors!!! The day has arrived!

Happy Birthday Two World Collision!!!!

A year of journeying, exploring, questioning, seeking, reading and listening - i've taken 525, 600 steps forward and I'm at a better place than I was one year ago. I've traveled through along this road that not only leads to God, but follows God.

And here I am. At peace with my faith and sexuality. I am a gay Christian . . . .

It has been one year since my very first Two World Collision post entitled "Torn Between The Two". It's been a refreshing year of exploring the questions that I posed in that first blog post. Almost six months into writing this blog, I took an assessment of my previous years in "525,600 Minutes". Then at the New Year I began the four part "Sankofa" series discussing significant phases of my testimony. And of course, there's the milestone posts along the way that are listed in the right side column of this blog.

Now, it's been five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes of this journey and it has been absolutely exciting! I've explored the spectrum of perspectives regarding the issue of whether or not a person can be both gay and Christian. I've been in continuous dialogue and prayer with the Lord. I've searched the Scriptures and have realized the foreign gospel that I accepted from the mainstream. I've spoken to many gay Christians and have seen the fruit of the Spirit in them - the same evidence of God that I recognize in me.

I began this journey thinking that I would come "full circle" - that I would resolve for myself and own my beliefs about homosexuality (as I understood it at the time) to be a sin. My hope was to be confident enough to speak against it. However, God had a different journey for me to tread. It wasn't for me to come "full circle" in my old paradigm - as if God would tell me what I wanted to hear, that it was a sin. Instead, my journey was for me to come to "completion" in a new paradigm - to accept and hear what God would tell me, that God loves me. It was that simple. And I realized that all of those "Clobber passages" that refer to "homosexuality" - actually referring to a particular context and culture - aren't at all talking about me! Because at the end of the day, I have NEVER refused to glorify God and give thanks to Him. And so Romans 1:21-32 neither describes me nor applies to me.

I am a Christ-centered gay man who is striving to live a lifestyle of faith by loving God, loving others and inspiring others to do the same.

After one year of this journey, that statement best describes me and my identity.

And as is fitting for God's perfect timing, He is faithful to give good gifts. And what a blog birthday gift it is!

Do you remember all the anxiety that I was talking about in "The Not So Fun Part of Living By Faith"? It's tough trying to do something you are passionate about when it doesn't pay the bills because, well let's face it, the bills still need to be paid - regardless of how intangibly rewarding it is. I love being able to build relationships in the community and work towards the vision of Catalyst. But I've gotta tell ya - the stress was mounting and the faith I clung to that God would provide for me (just as He always has!) was being tested big time.

And in typical God fashion, He comes just in the nick of time - at the ninth inning - the calvary comes to deliver its provision as promised.

I got a job.

But the job itself isn't the blog birthday gift. One of the most exciting things (and relevant to this blog) about this whole job situation is that for the first time there is no closet-hiding, no pretending to be straight, nor even a coming-out experience to fellow co-workers or the boss. I interviewed as the person I am, unapologetically, without deliberately hiding or disclosing the simple truth that I am gay. I didn't have to say, "i'm gay" as if it mattered at all. At the same time, I didn't have to shy away from talking about the fact that I've resolved the apparent tension between my faith and my sexuality. (The discussion came up because my resume indicates my work with Catalyst - and during the interview they checked out the Web site which also led to this blog!). They liked me anyway. They accepted me anyway. They hired me anyway.

So the blog birthday gift was that for the first time, I came in . . . "out". Today is our blog birthday. And today is the first day at this new job where I can be comfortable enough to be all of me. We start fresh. And as they get to know me more, they get to know the real me more.

As a blog birthday gift for all of you who journey along with me - each with your own stories to tell - all of us relating in both similar and different ways - here is a tribute to our journey, an anthem to our struggle that says, "let the questions guide the journey":

"Travelin' Thru" by Dolly Parton
For the movie TransAmerica



Read and follow along with the lyrics (thanks to Scott-O-Rama):

"Well I can’t tell you where I’m going, I’m not sure of where I’ve been
But I know I must keep travelin’ till my road comes to an end
I’m out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I’m a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we’re here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We’ve all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I’m born again, you’re gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you’re listening, keep me ever close to you
As I’m stumblin’, tumblin’, wonderin’, as I’m travelin’ thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it’s hard to travel on
But holdin’ to each other, we don’t have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I’ll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, travelin’ thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I’m travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, thru

I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
I’m just travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, I’m just travelin’ thru
Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I’m just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you’re out there, keep me ever close to you
As I’m travelin’, travelin’, travelin’, as I’m travelin’ thru"

A Community Familiar With Rejection

Bea's last two posts over at Sh-out called "Pick ME! Pick ME!" and "Brutal Honesty" got me processing more about my parents. Last week, in "My Parents Before The Divorce", I was imagining what it must have been like for my parents during their marriage. My mom knew (or at least had her suspicions) about my dad being gay and so now that I know that he's gay it allows me the ability to empathize or sympathize with their experience so that I can sort out for myself how the divorce had affected me as I grew up.

Her post about wanting to be "picked" really resonated with me because it gave me insight into how my mom must have desperately wanted her husband to actually desire her. I can imagine that, as a woman, she wanted to feel sexy, appreciated, wanted - picked. As a man, that's what I want! But it helps me to understand more of the dynamic that was going on between them. Beneath the surface, under the arguing and fighting with each other that I hated seeing and under the bitterness that I felt against them, there was this frustration between us all because we were all feeling rejected by each other . . . .

Last night, I was with some friends and we were talking about why some gay men are afraid of being alone. I'm not necessarily "afraid" of being alone. It's just that I don't want to be alone because it's been such a lonely experience for me in the closet. For so many years, I intentionally denied myself the opportunity to be genuinely and authentically known and touched because I was afraid of being rejected if certain people knew. Going back further, it was a lonely experience for me after the divorce. Deep down, I felt rejected by my parents when they got divorced. I realize now that they both also felt rejected.

I can imagine the helpless feeling that my mom must have experienced during their marriage. My dad being gay was out of my mom's control. There was nothing she could do to change him. She must have felt so angry at my dad for not changing himself. What must have been going through my mom's mind for all those years? Why does he have to be gay? Why won't he just choose to be "normal"? Am I not a good enough woman for him to make him want to be straight? I wonder what kind of insecurities manifested out of the chaos that was going on in my mom's head. Honestly, I hate to admit this, but I used to look down on my mom everytime I saw her with a "guy friend". But how can I judge her when I know how desperate she must have been to want to be "picked"? My mom just wanted to be desired. Loved. How can I blame her for doing the best she could to maintain some kind of sanity, some kind of control - some kind of self-preservation? I love my mom and it breaks my heart to think that there were times that she wanted to be loved and didn't receive it.

I can imagine the confusion that my dad must have been experiencing during their marriage. He must have been so torn. I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wanted to be a good husband, a good father - but didn't know how. Isn't loving your wife supposed to be just natural? I'm sure he loved her but he probably recognized that he didn't desire her. So how do you force yourself to desire someone that you don't? He loved her. He wanted to be able to desire her but he couldn't. He must have imagined what my mom was feeling and hated himself for not being able to please her. If I were with a woman, I wouldn't know how to fully please her either. So what was he supposed to do? It's not like he could just choose not to be gay. It's not like he could just choose to desire her. My dad must have felt so out-of-control too. He probably knew that my mom knew that he was gay and felt that she rejected him for not being a "real" man. He probably rejected himself for not being a "real" man. I personally understand the tension of being in the closet. I love my dad and it breaks my heart knowing what he was going through in a marriage with a woman he cared for and four children that he loved. And so he must have felt rejected by me when I chose not to live with him after the divorce.

It was traumatic for me. I remember the day I found out. It was morning and my dad was driving me to elementary school in our family van. I was in 6th grade. He said, "Son, you mama and I are getting a divorce." I knew. We all knew that it was coming. My brother and sisters and I all knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. The truth is that I was actually relieved. I was glad to hear it. I hated seeing them argue. I hated it when they took it out on us.

I remember sitting in the front seat of the van looking out of the window watching the houses and trees whiz by while I listened to my father speak. He continued, "She's going to move to Long Beach with your aunt. I'm going to stay here in Hawaii. Who do you want to go with?" It was a no-brainer. I already knew that I would much rather live with my mom than with him. He was rigid and distant. I hated doing yard work, which is something he had my brother and I do all the time, and so I saw this as an opportunity for a prison break. I don't remember the actual words that I used. I chose my mom. I don't even remember if he said anything back to me. But I do remember how I felt. I didn't feel guilty for choosing to leave. But I felt like he was giving me a guilt trip for not choosing him. And so I guess I felt like I "should" be feeling guilty but as I grew up I ended up hating him for making me feel guilty. (Does that make sense?) So I was bitter with him for pretty much all my teenage and young adult years because I felt like he shouldn't have made me feel that way. I was 10 or 11 years old, I shouldn't have to choose between my parents - much less feel guilty for the choice that I ended up making. I felt rejected by him - which is weird because he was most likely feeling rejected by me.

This kind of craziness shaped my teenage years. I was confused after the divorce because I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. Am I supposed to feel guilty for choosing my mom? Does choosing my mom automatically mean that I was rejecting my dad? Is it okay that I wanted them to get a divorce? Should I feel guilty about that? I just wanted peace for a change. And by the way, on top of all this madness, why the hell was I gay?

No wonder I was all screwed up and tried to kill myself.

Rejection sucks. My mom felt it. My dad felt. I felt. We were all screwed up because we didn't know what to do with rejection and the feelings that come with it. But in hindsight, I suppose I can understand the person that I am now by the way the divorce - and even the closet experience - shaped me as I grew up.

In my last post about this theme, I had a minor side note (soapbox) about the whole gay marriage thing and I'm feeling another one coming now: I think the opponents of gay marriage don't realize why many people in "my" community" feel so outraged by their opposition. Aside from the justice issue or even the God issue, I think that every time that we hear people oppose gay marriage in conversation or in debate or in public speech or even in a wedding ceremony where someone talks about the "threatened institution", it's yet another example of how we experience society rejecting us. We are a community familiar with rejection and when people say that we shouldn't have the right to marry because it would threaten the "institution of marriage", it becomes not only insulting but personal. The debate will not die, for this reason.

Anyway, where was I?

I love my parents. I can understand their experience when they were married and it helps me to move on. It helps me to understand what I don't want in a marriage. It helps me to understand how important it is for us to want to be "picked". I am a gay man. It wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to marry someone I didn't completely desire. One day, I will marry a person that I love, appreciate and even desire. And it will be mutual. He will know that I pick him and I will know that he picks me.

Letter to Advisory Board

Since I recently decided to step away from my public ministry, my ministry partner and I will be meeting with our organization's advisory board to inform them of what's going on. For many of them, it will be their first time knowing about my journey. For others, it will be their first time knowing that i'm gay.

This meeting will take place in roughly six hours from now.

I've had a difficult time this week (emotionally) with the decision. I'm needing time to grieve. On the flip side, God is birthing new vision in me for this other non-profit organization that I'll be establishing. It's been a roller coaster week and I was having a challenging time preparing for this meeting with the advisory board. These are people I love and care about and I fear their rejection. Below is the letter that I have prepared for them . . . .

*****************************************
[Note: the name of the organization and the name of my ministry partner have been omitted. Yes, some parts of this letter sound familiar - i extracted them from recent posts.]

Dear [Organization Name] Advisory Team of Long Beach,

God birthed a vision in [my ministry partner] and I that led to the establishment of [this public ministry]. He divinely teamed us together with complementary strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents equipping us to facilitate the vision of seeing Long Beach transformed as God’s people live out the Great Commission. Together, we have strived to function as a bridge building organization hoping to catalyze the Church in Long Beach towards personal and community transformation. We have invested almost four years into building relationships throughout the city for this purpose.

During this same time period, I have wrestled with the issue of my same sex attractions. I remember having these attractions as early as 8 years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior 13 ½ years ago when I was 16 years old. It’s been a difficult experience for me to live in a world with an obvious public stigma towards gay people. Even more difficult was functioning within the Church that often ignored the issue unless it was condemning it. I learned that the Church was not safe for people like me.

In 2004, [this public ministry] was connecting with numerous prayer intercessors throughout the city. I was a part of several city-wide prayer meetings that often and typically prayed against the homosexual population in Long Beach and the enemy’s “stronghold” over this city in regards to their rebellion. I consistently felt convicted by the Lord regarding two things:

“Why am I praying against a people that I don’t even know?” and “Why am I praying against them when I am one of them?”

I felt that I could not speak these questions publicly to the prayer intercessors because their hostility towards the GLBT community was evident in their prayers against them and I was afraid. These questions led to further questions about the issue, some of which are:

“Why do I believe the things I do about homosexuality? Is it because I really believe it to be true or is it because it was simply the only thing that I was taught?”

In 2005, I began a new kind of wrestling regarding the issue of homosexuality, faith, God, and the Church. I refer to this as “my journey” and started an online journal (also known as a “blog”) called Two World Collision to chronicle my process. This journey of mine began with the desire to “own” what I believe about it being a sin so that I could confidently speak against it. I didn’t want to simply repeat the ideas of others of the same perspective. So on my journey, I chose to take a step back and to take a neutral stance about the issue. I wanted to be informed regarding all perspectives so that I could honestly discern for myself through the Lord’s guidance what I believed.

This journey included reading books and essays, hearing testimonies, examining Scripture, prayer, and interviewing people from three distinct perspectives: Side A, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian in a committed and monogamous context; Side B, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian but should remain celibate; and Side X (a phrase I coined referring to ex-gay ministries), presenting the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian and that transformation of sexuality was necessary.

I entered this journey with [my ministry partner's] full knowledge and support. As I learned about the different perspectives, I was able to process much of my thoughts with him. He walked this journey with me. In this process, I discovered that I no longer held a Side X view regarding this issue. My original intention for this journey was to be able to confidently speak against it but instead I have found resolution in terms of my faith and sexuality. I sincerely believe that the Lord has walked with me on this journey as well and that the Lord has led me to my current Side A perspective.

Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of [this organization] because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .

What do we do with those gay Christians?

In order to do this, [the organization] needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. I think that about 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for almost four years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle".

Even though he does not have a Side A view like I do, [my ministry partner] is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in [the organization]. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay and calling myself Christian.

He's willing. I'm not.

I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission in exchange for my own sense of personal justice. I'm not willing to see [my ministry partner] have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed. The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for [the organization], I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue its purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization.

While this is an emotionally difficult decision for me, both [my ministry partner] and I are in agreement that this is the best thing to do. I have a peace about it. From our perspective, it's not a "split". He will continue the work we started together in calling the Church to Kingdom values (including unity) while I will establish another non-profit organization. God is birthing a fresh vision in me for this new organization that will be moving to "catalyze a culture of trust, unity, and life in the GLBT community and the city". Our intention is to preserve an attitude of partnership among the two organizations so that we can work together to bring the GLBT faith community and the mainstream Church together in healthy dialogue.

The reality is that there are people like me – gay and Christian – within our local churches throughout the city. Many of us are Side A, some are Side B, some are Side X, and some are still wrestling through it. However, we have all placed our faith in Jesus Christ and have received His salvation by grace alone. We worship the Lord, serve our neighbors, and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit.

My challenge to this Advisory Team, to [the organization], and to the Church in Long Beach is to call the question:

What do we do with those gay Christians? As the Church, do we acknowledge them as being included with the Family of God or do we disown them from the Family of God and insist in their reorientation?

I encourage you to bring this issue into the “hot zone” – that place of dialogue where homosexuality is no longer the unspeakable topic. I encourage you to stand firmly beside those with whom you are in relationship with. I encourage you to model for the rest of the Church what it looks like to embrace each other despite theological differences of interpretation.

It has been a privilege serving Him along side you.

Blessings,
Eric
**************************************

Let's all hope the meeting goes well . . . .

For the Kingdom and For the Baby

We all want to protect our children. At least, I would hope we all do. Our society values the life and safety of kids. If we don't have kids of our own, we are protective of our nieces and nephews. If none of those, then at least the grade school kids playing out during recess must be kept safe. Either way, we guard over our children.

I don't have any kids - yet! I'd sure like to have kids one day. In my immediate family, I've got five nieces and one nephew. I love 'em all! But I have to admit that, as a man, I do not fully comprehend the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising my own children. I may not fully know 'maternal instinct', but I do have an 'uncle's instinct' and I'd die to protect the family's young ones.

However, I do have a kind of 'maternal instinct'. I do know what it's like to be pregnant with an idea, to see that idea birthed into a faith-based non-profit organization (the public ministry that i've referred to in the past), and nurtured it to see it grow and multiply. I know what it's like to clean up after it and change its diapers. I know what it's like to be proud of it. I know what it's like go broke to support it. I know what it's like to lose sleep over it. I know what it's like to love it. I know what it's like to feel like it's a gift from God. I know what it's like to want to protect it with my life when it's threatened. And protecting it is precisely what I was trying to do this week . . . .

My ministry partner and I have been friends for about eight to nine years. We've grown to appreciate a common heart and paradigm for the Church and His Kingdom in the city. About four years ago (this coming May), God began to give us a vision for ministry. We both continued to dialogue about these things that He was placing on both our hearts - God's heart for unity but the Church's current state of division; God's heart for mission but the Church's growing ineffectiveness and irrelevance in the city culture.

Who are we that God would do anything through us?

We were available. For Him. And it's an honor to serve Him in any way. So we began to live out these Kingdom values of unity and mission by building relationships throughout the city with church leaders, business leaders, community leaders, civic leaders, and city officials. And in these relationships, God granted us their favor. Our mission was to catalyze God's people to live out their faith.

God birthed this non-profit organization through my ministry partner and I. We were the co-founders and we treated it like it was our "baby". We are protective of the work we do because so much of it is relationally based. We're not about programs and numbers - rather, our measures of success are increased levels of trust within relationships. If trust can be established through relationship, then partnership can take place and people can begin to function in unity.

One of the reasons why our organization is so dear to my heart is because of what it symbolizes for me and my journey - the fact that God can use a guy like me (gay and all) to accomplish His purposes. It is truly humbling that God would do such things through us. I've made mistakes in my past but this organization symbolizes to me that I am not disqualified for His service - regardless of what the Church may think about me.

But that seemed to be the problem. The Church - at least the mainstream part of it - is primarily still Side X and would not approve of me. Personally, I have resolved that God does approve of me - and even further, qualifies me - but the mainstream Church still takes issue. Whole denominations across the country (and world) are dividing over this issue. As factions take sides, the Church is warring with itself and we're seeing the wreckage of these battles in our families, our communities, our churches, and our cities.

Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of our organization because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .

What do we do with those gay Christians?

In order to do this, our organization needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. About 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for over three years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle". Right or wrong, it's true.

My ministry partner is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in our organization. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay (Side A).

He's willing. I'm not.

I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade my own sense of justice for myself in exchange for the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission. I'm not willing to see my ministry partner have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed.

The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for our organization (our "baby"), I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue it's purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization. It's a no-brainer.

How do I feel about all this? You can imagine. I was remembering an old post from way in the beginning . . . "I'm No Superman" - and I've cried this week thinking about the song. I've grieved this week thinking about the reality of not being able to directly be a part of our organization - this thing we did together.

Both my ministry partner and I are in mutual agreement that this is the best decision. I have a peace about it. We are not parting ways like Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41). Rather, he is continuing the work we started with the mainstream faith community while I continue the work with the GLBT faith community. We will continue to interact as we always have - we're friends! - and when the time is strategically right with the relationships we've both developed in each of our spheres, we'll bring them together for that dialogue - the mainstream Church with the GLBT Church - reintroducing siblings who were disowning each other. I believe that Christ will return again - and that He's coming for a Bride, not a harem. Helping the whole Church come together is what this is all about.

What does this mean for me practically? I won't have a job. I'll transition out until the end of March so that others can take over my responsibilities.

What's next? The formal establishment of Two World Collision.

It's a step of faith. But then again, this whole journey has been a walk of faith. Stay tuned!

Sankofa (Part Four)

**Sankofa is a four part series looking backward so that I can move forward. Be sure to read Sankofa (Part Three) to see how I've been journeying through what it looks like to be both gay and Christian. Now, we've come to the final part of this series - examining the direction that I've been sensing the Lord leading me . . . .

Years ago, I used to teach in Bible studies that God would use a person's greatest weaknesses to reveal His strengths through that person. I believed that. Sort of. That is, I believed that it was true for those people in the Bible studies I was teaching - but not for me. Definitely not for me. My weaknesses? That's practically . . . . unbelieveable. There's no way!

My greatest weaknesses were my gayness and my disconnectedness. Keep in mind, this was years ago - back when I was way way Side X. For God to use my weaknesses, they would have to be made known. And with me being in the dark and lonely closet, that was not going to happen!

I've always known God to have an odd sense of humor. The way He pin points the things I'm most afraid of and then uses me to minister on His behalf in that area. I'd almost say it's kind of cruel if I didn't know through first hand experience how much He really loves me and would never do something like that as a mere joke for the heavenlies. Nah . . . . I know better than that.

So now, I'm seeing Him do it again. He's using the fact that I'm gay and that I've always felt disconnected from people, family, the Church, the world - leading me to a place of personal resolution and connection so that I can help others going through a similar journey - leading me to a place of being a herald for God's people to live a lifestyle of faith . . . .

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

It's a battle, isn't it? This struggle for justice - equality for GLBT individuals in our society and in our Church. Differences in theologies mixed with social stigma keeps people like us marginalized, even silenced. All of our efforts to live a public life are labeled an "agenda". We have parades and TV shows and 'out' celebrities to pave the way for dialogue - hoping that, slowly but surely, society and culture will shift and change to eventually and inevitably accept us.

Is it enough? What will it take for us to see change? What do we need to do to stimulate the unstoppable revolution that will bear the same kind of fruit for GLBT acceptance that the Civil Rights Movement bore for ethnic minorities?

I do not want to wave a rainbow flag!

This is not the cause I signed up for! As a believer in Christ, He is my cause. My cause is to love Him more properly. My cause is to love other people more properly. My cause is to inspire others to do the same. These are our two greatest commandments and our Great Commission.

That is my agenda.

If we are going to move forward, insisting to our society and our Church that we are accepted by God through faith in Christ, then we must move beyond simply proclaiming it. We must function as if we have already been accepted by God. I agree with GCB that "we simply have to start living what we desire". As the GLBT faith community, we need to start demonstrating God-given leadership within His Church. Just like the GLBT community, the Church as a whole has also been marginalized - even silenced - to where we no longer shape our society. Rather, we are merely reacting to society. We have lost our effectiveness. We need to be salt once again - flavoring the world around us so that Christ's love is revealed. That love will shape relationships that will, in turn, shape our neighborhoods and communities. The Church needs leaders and I think that we are the ones who should step up and fill the gap.

God has fully empowered us to accomplish His will. We don't need to fight for the right to be a part of it. We already are! So we can't legally be married and be acknowledged in all states. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to love each other properly. So we can't legally get full insurance benefits and privileges that heterosexual married couples enjoy. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to support one another (and even more so, as a community). What if we entrust these "issues" to God and focussed our energies on the things in this world that God talked about constantly - the poor, the sick, and the elderly?

What if the GLBT faith community led the way of serving those in poverty, ministering to the sick, and caring for our seniors? What if we supported the ONE campaign? (I've got my bracelet! Do you?) What if we lived out our faith in such a way that our servanthood revealed our leadership rather than us waiting for the Church to acknowledge our right to be leaders? Perhaps the GLBT faith community can set a positive example for the broader GLBT community by demonstrating what genuine healthy platonic same gender friendships looked like. What if we called on our community to uphold a value of respect, love, commitment, faithfulness, and monogamy? What if we inspired people to love properly?

We need to be the ones who serve as the role models for young GLBT people newly "out" to themselves and the world. We need to be the ones to show them that they don't have to have the old typical "coming out" experience of exploring newfound freedom. We ought to introduce them to the freedom we have in Christ - to love properly, healthy, and respectfully other people of the same gender.

A couple weeks ago, a woman shared during a service that she heard a song on the radio and decided that she wanted to learn how to play it. So she took the time to learn the song, practice it, and played it for all of us. We need to do the same thing. Jesus modeled for us the Kingdom values. He showed us what it looked like to love the outcasts. He showed us what it looked like to pray to the Father for each other. He showed us what it looked like to serve those in need. He showed us what it looked like to bless those who were formerly cursed. He played an awesome song for us. Let's learn how to play it! Let's live out a lifestyle of faith that affects every person we interact with.

Over the past several weeks, I've been seeking the Lord what He wanted of me through this whole Two World Collision thing. It was clear to me that this blog was meant to be a tool to help me and you process - something that would inspire us both to a lifestyle of faith. So He's placed several other things on my heart - a ministry for serving the colliding worlds of church paradigms and sexuality.

We'll see how this all evolves. For now, I think He's given me direction - a vision - to catalyze a culture of trust and unity among the GLBT faith community and the broader Church by inspiring them to live out their faith.

What will this look like? I'm excited to see what's ahead. In the mean time, i'd like to start moving towards the following objectives:

Personal Coaching and Scholarships

I'd like to provide personal coaching for others struggling with the conflict between their faith and their sexuality. I'd like to be a part of helping these loved ones along that journey of seeking Christ personally for the answers. I don't want to be the one to necessarily give them the answers. I want to stimulate them with the right questions. Even the ones that question the old answers. I trust Jesus enough to guide them with the peace, resolution, and even answers.

I'd also like to partner with other personal coaches who will journey with these loved ones. This personal coaching can take the form of personal phone calls, emails, instant messages, or even personal visits. I'd even like to travel across cities, states, or the nation for week long coaching. Instead of them going somewhere foreign for help, I'd like to go to them - the place where they have to live this all out. I'd like to be able to give them an opportunity to talk with a person face to face about the things they are terrified to say to anyone in the Church. I'd like to allow them to ask their questions and to start their journey of exploring those questions with Christ. If it's fitting, i'd like to be able to accompany a person as they try to talk with a family member or pastor about their sexuality and faith journey - hopefully enlisting their support. I'd like to be able to give them resources (Side A, Side B, and Side X) and allow them to discern for themselves with the Lord what they believe.

I'd like to offer $250 or $500 scholarships to some of these loved ones so that they can cover the registration and travel expenses to attend gay Christian conferences that are happening around the nation. What if individuals and businesses partnered together to sponsor one of them? What if we could get grants to help fund these scholarships?

New Ministry Empowerment

I would like to empower the emerging leaders of the GLBT faith community who have been inspired by God to initiate certain ministries. I'd like to assist those who want to start up gay student ministries (GSM's) on campuses, working in partnership with gay straight alliances (GSA's). I'd like to assist those who want to start ministries in their city to help coach young GLBT teens in their "coming out" process. GCB has an awesome vision for GLBT people leading the way in helping people to find "alternative environments of safety, protection, love, and acceptance". He talks about safe houses and shelters for those escaping abusive families or partners. He talks about programs to assist GLBT youth go to college. I want to empower people who have a heart for making these kinds of things happen by helping to inspire them, resource them, equip them, and help them to connect with others who can help them develop their ministry.

I believe that we must value each other's unique call and mission for ministry. Two World Collision alone cannot sustain a revolution. We all have a dream to see these kinds of things happen. But when each of us die, the vision of what we personally saw also dies. Therefore, I want to empower others who will seek to be inspired by God for their own similar vision and who will work towards accomplishing it. In this way, the dream lives on without me as God continues to inspire people with ways of connecting with their communities. Then, i'd like to see each of these new ministries networked together in partnership - sharing each other's support, encouragement, and resources. This is what will stimulate an uncontainable revolution of GLBT people living out their faith.

GLBT Faith Leaders Retreat

I would like to provide a retreat for ministry and organization leaders of the GLBT faith community to give them a context of renewal and connection. I want to serve these leaders by helping them to get away from the busyness of their operations. I want to encourage them to rest and be ministered to. I also want to help provide a context for them to connect with other leaders for mutual support and encouragement. I know how lonely it can be to be the sole leader in a ministry. I know how frustrating it can be to not have the time to brainstorm fresh thoughts and insights because of the day to day operations of the work. I want to help these leaders inspire each other - to offer ideas, experience, questions, and prayer for each other.

Church Leaders Round Table

As I establish and nurture relationships within my city (or others), I want to bring them together for dialogue. In the past, I've defined the "hot zone" as the place where homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the "unspeakable" topic. I want to bring together pastors and leaders of mainstream churches with pastors and leaders of inclusive churches for "transformational conversations that point to reconciliation" (as Zalm describes it). I suspect that this will be a challenging pursuit, however, I entrust these relationships to the Lord for His redemption and grace.

So there it is! Sankofa. "Looking backward to move forward."

In Part One, I reflected backward to the time my parents got divorced, how I struggled through the confusion of my sexuality, and when I tried to kill myself. In Part Two, I reflected backward to when I came to faith in Christ, became a part of the "church culture" that proved itself to be unwanting, and challenged those old christendom paradigms in favor of an organic paradigm of Church that involved living out a lifestyle of faith. In Part Three, I considered the journey that the Lord has just recently brought me on - of exploring what it looks like to be both gay and Christian - and finding peace and resolution. Here in Part Four, we've looked forward to potential future ministry of being a catalyst for revolution.

Who knows what the Lord has in store? What I do know is that God has given me the privilege of serving Him, as I am - both gay and Christian - and that He qualifies, inspires and empowers me to live out my faith as a lifestyle of loving Him and loving others.

In my greatest weaknesses, He reveals His strengths through me.

Update (June 29, 2006): A lot has happened since January 25, 2006 when I wrote this post. To see an evolution of the vision I articulated in this post, see May 5th's post where I announce the Catalyst Web site and blog.

Sankofa (Part Three)

**Sankofa is a four part series looking backward so that I can move forward. Be sure to read Sankofa (Part Two) to see how I came to have faith in Jesus, became part of the 'church culture', realized how unwanting it was, then was led towards embracing a lifestyle of faith. From there, we continue to Part Three . . . .

The more I grew in the 'church culture', the more I experienced the colliding worlds of my homosexuality (or rather, my 'same sex attractions') and the mainstream church's teaching and interpretation of Scripture that it was a sin. That's all I knew. That's all I was taught. Why question it? In fact, I wouldn't have known to question it because at the time, to me, I believed it to be true. So for 13 years of being a Christian, I embraced the concept that something was wrong with me for being gay and, for some reason, God saw fit NOT to change me . . . .

There were so many times when I pleaded with God to make me straight. I begged Him to remove these desires (temptations) towards other men away from me. But every time I asked God why I still have these inclinations, He tells me that His 'grace is sufficient'. Quite frankly, I needed alot more than His grace. I needed Him to change me. I needed Him to bring peace to my flesh. I needed Him to help me feel normal. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be able to be attracted to women. I wanted to be able to have a wife. I wanted to be able to have it in me to do what was necessary to produce children. Sex. There's no way that I could pull that off. With a woman?! Yeah, right! Not a chance. I'm just not built that way.

So what am I supposed to do, Lord, if You won't change me?

There's a taboo in the church associated with being gay. No one wants to talk about it unless it's being condemned. The problem with that is that it doesn't help me much for it to be the 'unspoken' topic. I didn't want to be gay, but there I was - a professed Christian who consistently and continually experienced same sex attractions. The stigma kept me silent out of fear. Since the church didn't seem to want to do anything to help, I stayed paralyzed with the struggle. I was in a never-ending cycle of a dualistic life. I'd "go to" church to feel close to God. I'd "leave" church feeling unknown and unnoticed because no one knew how depressed I felt (much less why I would be depressed).

In 2003-04, I was introduced to the ex-gay ministry. I had heard about Exodus International. I became associated with a similar type ministry called Desert Stream. An ex-gay ministry, or rather "Side X" ministry as I seemed to have coined recently (in this blog and in a paper I wrote - I never heard it used that way before), is a Christian ministry that holds the perspective that all forms of homosexuality - whether in thought or action - are a sin. They invest their energies to exploring the "brokenness" within an individual's life, pursuing God's "healing", and hoping for a transformation by God from being gay to becoming straight - normal. In a nutshell, the Side X view says that one cannot be both gay and Christian.

I held to the Side X perspective for 13 years believing that it was wrong for me to be gay and that I needed to be changed. I thought that being gay and Christian were two fundamentally opposing contexts that cannot be experienced without compromising the "truth" of Scripture. So I avoided anything remotely related to gay Christian literature. I avoided any contact to the gay community. Yet, despite what I believed about how wrong it was, I still existed with those two realities. I am gay. I am Christian. Those two life contexts kept me living a dichotomous life - a life that kept my gayness hidden, secret, and in the dark and shameful closet and a life that kept my Christianity public, in the light, and something to be "proud" of.

The frustration of living a dualistic life led me to connecting with Desert Stream. I participated in weekly "Cross Current" meetings that gave me a context of openly talking about my struggles. I also participated in a six month intensive program called "Living Waters" for dealing with (what they referred to as) my sexual and relational brokenness. I have since heard many horror stories about other people's experiences in ex-gay ministries. However, I can say that mine was a positive experience. I didn't feel oppressed by them because, at the time, I actually did feel like being gay was a sin. I was Side X so there was no conflict in me with what the ex-gay ministry was teaching me. Aside from the whole homosexuality thing, they also taught about relational idolatry, narcissism, codependency, and sexual promiscuity. In addition, we were all involved in small groups where each of us had the opportunity to talk about our struggles and receive support through them. I found value in the program because I can acknowledge the unhealthiness of how we interact with each other - whether gay or straight. I also found value in the program because, for the first time, I could be heard. I loved being able to talk about the things that I was too afraid to talk about (or the things the Church didn't want to talk about) - the dynamic of being gay.

I was with the ex-gay ministry (in one way or another) for about 3 years. During this time, I was connecting with prayer intercessors from multiple churches throughout the city (as part of my public ministry) to pray for the city as a whole. Since Long Beach, CA has a large gay population, we often prayed against those people and their agenda. Then God began to convict my heart about two things over a period of several months. He asked me two questions: why am I praying against a people I don't even know? why am I praying against "them" when I am one of "them"?

Those two questions led to a significant moment in my life in the Spring of 2005. Those two questions served as seeds to prepare me for what God was about to do in my life, my faith, my sexuality - in me. I met a person who I typically refer to in this blog as "my buddy". We both had a mutual friend who thought it may be beneficial for us to meet. Our mutual friend knew my buddy was gay but not that I was. So we ended up meeting for an early dinner just to connect. It was a somewhat formal dinner with the standard get-to-know-you type of questions. We also talked about the whole gay thing and where each of us stood on the issue. My buddy shared about how, in recent years, he came to terms with him being gay and Christian. I shared about my hope for a wife, a family, and the grace from God that I live with in my struggle with same sex attractions. I don't know if he actually "bought" it. But he did say that he respected the fact that "I owned what I believed about it and was living it out".

That screwed me up.

I began to question his statement to me. Did I really own what I believed about homosexuality? Why do I believe that it's a sin? I realized that I believed that homosexuality was a sin because that was the only thing I was taught. The only interpretation offered to me regarding homosexuality was the Side X view. When I read the Scriptures for myself, I had the filter of the interpretations that were given to me. So then, can I really say that I own what I believe about these things?

I decided that I wanted to be able to own what I believe. I wanted to be able to say that homosexuality is a sin and to be able to say it with conviction. I wanted to be able to say that I came to this decision having been well-informed of all sides to the issue and that through my own prayer, study, and discernment I formed my conclusions. I wanted to own it.

Although I entered this journey thinking that I would come full circle and remain Side X, I knew that in order for me to genuinely process these things on my own, I had to take a step back and claim a neutral position on the issue of homosexuality. I wanted to allow myself to explore what others had to say about it. There are those who believe that a person can be both gay and Christian in a monogamous relationship because it's not a sin to be gay but it is a sin in specific contexts (Side A). There are those who believe that a person can be both gay and Christian but must be celibate because being tempted is not equivalent to acting upon it - it's still a sin (Side B). There are those who believe that a person cannot be both gay and Christian because it's all a sin and one must be transformed to be straight (Side X).

I began this journey of exploration and study and started this blog to chronicle my process. I began to meet new people who are gay and made awesome friendships - some Christian, some not. I began to nurture the friendship with my buddy - a friendship which I've grown to value greatly. I began to visit and participate with inclusive churches. I began to read books, essays, and articles. I began to hear countless stories of people from varying backgrounds. I began to get emails from people from around the country and parts of the world. I began to chat online with people going through a similar journey.

Along the way, I tried to blog with honesty and vulnerability for both my benefit and yours. As I peruse through the archives over the past 7 months, I can't help but think that it's been an interesting journey so far. I began to witness gay Christians actually worshipping the Lord. As I got to know them, I saw the fruits of the Spirit in their lives and I got to a point of realizing that I cannot deny that these indeed are my brothers and sisters in Christ. With that realization, it led to an important question: now what? If I conclude that these gay Christians are genuine believers, then what does that mean for how the Church ought to treat them? Further, what does this mean for me? I saw a parallel between this realization and the one that Peter had when God revealed to him that salvation had come to the Gentiles (Acts 10 - Cornelius' home).

Along the way, instead of seeking to answer the questions that I had, I began to question the answers that I was given. And in this process, I realized that the judgment from the mainstream Church towards gay people (including those within the Church) was a sin worthy of rebuke. This led to a study in Galatians which resulted in a milestone blog post for me called, "Embracing a Different Gospel". I realized that when I accepted Christ and believed in Him 13 years ago, it had nothing to do with my sexuality. It was His grace that I accepted. I realized that adding the Side X component of trying to change my sexuality had nothing to do with my salvation and that in doing so I was embracing a different gospel - one that appeased the mainstream Church's Side X perspective but denied the full grace of God available to me through faith in Christ.

Another significant realization that I had was about 'love'. I realized that both homosexuality and heterosexuality (as defined in today's English) are simply expressions of sexuality. In Scripture, sexual sins are described in the context of unhealthy and unloving expressions of sexuality - for both homosexual and hetersexual expressions. Both these expressions can also be conducted in the context of love.

For quite some time, I had inclined towards the Side A perspective but remained open to the other perspectives (as I still do). However, I realized that all of my study and interviews and research was merely academic. All three perspectives have seemingly good arguments, good points, and good examples. But I got to a point where I felt that I was on the fence and that I would never get off that fence until I took this journey out of the "books" and "dialogue" and started to live this out. In that process of living it out, I trust Jesus enough to continue walking with me and speaking to me about these things. I needed to experience for myself either God's peace or God's conviction about these things - trusting Jesus enough to reveal His will to me along the way and that it was okay to make some mistakes so that with Him I could learn from them. So I decided to take some relational risks. With pre-set boundaries, I decided that I was ready to start dating and meeting people in a romantic context. And I have. And it's been fun and freeing.

Some recent significant moments for me was when, for the first time, I owned my sexuality as a gay man in "Living Life As All of Me" and when I owned the injustice that the gay community often experiences but that I ignored in "Profoundly Offended" and when I spoke to my family this past Christmas that I wasn't simply "struggling with same sex attractions" (that's what I told them in 2001) but that I was actually Side A in "It Felt Like Family, It Felt Like Church" (see comments of that post).

So now, in this part of my journey, I'm finding cohesion in this Two World Collision. Whether its the collision between Church paradigms or between issues of sexuality, my peace is resting on the commands to "love God" and to "love each other". As a single guy, gay Christian and all, it does get pretty lonely. But i'm making healthy connections with people while trying to demonstrate a sincere love - the same love that I receive from Christ.

Sankofa. "Looking backward to move forward."

This is an ongoing journey for me. This is where I've been and where I am now but i'm excited to know that where I'm headed is still a mystery, still uncertain, still exhilarating. I'm still exploring. I'm still just trying to live this all out. I still trust Jesus enough to be here with me and even lead me. I have alot to learn.

**Read on to Sankofa (Part Four) to read about the vision and direction that I sense the Lord leading me into as I move forward from here!