Self-gratification. I don't think I've been resisting temptation the way I should be.
Sure, i've been avoiding certain other things - eating chocolate, buying clothes, gadgets, and toys i don't need, having actual and physical sex - but still. I'm not without sin. Temptation is definitely there.
I'd like to say that I've done well at maintaining pre-established boundaries like not having sex right now. While I may not be giving in to those temptations, I'm finding myself giving in - perhaps too easily - to other temptations.
The mind is alot harder to discipline than the body . . . .
Gratifying oneself is not something people usually talk about that openly. (Actually, I have been in some social circles where gay men talk about it without shame.) I'll try not to be so crude but i hope you know what i'm talking about.
Masturbation.
Well, if i'm not going to have sex it seems like it would be the best and natural alternative, right? Sexual temptation is hard (no pun intended. okay, maybe a bit of a pun intended). It's difficult to resist. There's that surge of excitement that flows throughout the entire body. It's like you can actually feel every single hormone being released to swim free throughout the blood stream - touching every nerve in the body to cause an arousal, a warm sensation, and an impulse towards an object. The very sight (or even thought) of one's object of affection (aka 'that HOT guy or gal') can trigger such a response.
It seems like solo-gratification is the safest thing to do if having sex with that person isn't an option for one reason or another. Maybe physically, it is. There are times when I just need some kind of an outlet - relieve tension so that I can move on with my life. Sometimes I just can't get certain things out of my mind.
But is it the healthiest thing for me to do spiritually?
I know, loaded question. Probably not.
Whether or not Jesus would be okay with a person relieving physical tension is probably not the point. I would suppose that Christ would be more concerned about what was going on in my heart when such a thing were occurring. I've spoken to many guys who say that they are able to relieve tension without picturing someone in their imagination to assist the process. But for me, I typically am thinking of someone (or sometwo or somethree).
Lust.
I realize that for some guys, they are simply relieving tension and not entertaining fantasy. I can't necessarily say that for my own case. If i'm honest with myself, i'm not "simply relieving tension". I'm lusting. And i'd think that Jesus would want more from me.
I agree with what much of the ex-gay ministries (as do many churches) teach about this - that it's a sort of idolatry. (Don't get your panties in a bunch, I don't agree with everything that ex-gay ministries teach!). When I am lusting after a person and going so far as to fantasize about him during a solo session, there's an element to it that is completely objectifying. Most of the time, I'm not considering his heart or his desires. Rather, it's all about me. My wants, needs, desires, pleasures, satisfaction. It's a completely selfish experience for me.
Most of the time. Not all of the time.
There are other times when, at least in fantasy, there's an emotional component involved and we're "making love". I'm imagining something mutual.
But it's not real. It's an illusion. It's a lie. And it's hard for me to accept that emotionally bending to a facade isn't oppressive. I don't always think of this in these terms during the temptation but I've always viewed Satan as the Master of Illusions and Deceit. He's all about tricking me to doing something stupid. He's all about lying to me. He's all about distracting me. He's all about giving me false love. So when I think about it in that way, self-gratification while fantasizing about another person is not "simply relieving tension" but is "simply entertaining lust".
Yeah, i think it's wrong. I do it. Argh I keep doing it! Even though I know I shouldn't. But as I've been good at not having actual sex because of pre-established boundaries that I've set for myself (and with the discernment from the Lord), I'm finding that my mind still roams free.
It's as if maintaining physical restraint permits imaginary freedom in my thought life. But i'm probably missing the point when i think that way. Jesus said that it's not just about committing adultery, it's about the lust. Jesus said that it's not just about committing murder, it's about the hate. He is more concerned about the condition of my heart because He knows that if my heart is in alignment with Him, then I won't commit anything.
Oh what a wretched heart I have!
But Christ is there. And He redeems it.
I know, someone out there is probably thinking that I need to quit being so hard on myself. But i'm not so much concerned about the masturbation itself. I'm more concerned about what's going on in my heart when I do it. That's what I want to keep in check.
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:1-2)
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
The Lord is my God and I want what He wants for me.
Lord, if i've set up false gods to focus my heart and thoughts on (even for those solo moments), forgive me. I'll try to be more faithful to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
You Don't Need To Be So Tough
[My disclaimer because it has youth in it: I'm putting this video up sincerely thinking that it doesn't have a sexual connotation.]
This video is a Norwegian public service announcement. At the end of it, it says "Du trenger ikke vaere sa toff" which means, "You Don't Need To Be So Tough" or more specifically it says, "You Don't Need To Be *That* Tough" (according to the author of the commercial - see comments below) and underneath the phone number, "Vi vil gjerne svare" means "We'll certainly answer".
I'm curious. Weigh in on this for me . . . What do you think about it?
This video is a Norwegian public service announcement. At the end of it, it says "Du trenger ikke vaere sa toff" which means, "You Don't Need To Be So Tough" or more specifically it says, "You Don't Need To Be *That* Tough" (according to the author of the commercial - see comments below) and underneath the phone number, "Vi vil gjerne svare" means "We'll certainly answer".
I'm curious. Weigh in on this for me . . . What do you think about it?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Podcast Interviews #2
I mentioned last week that Zeke from Godscrum was going to interview me for his podcast. As you may have figured from the most recent posts, last week was a really rough week for me so I don't think I was very articulate. I did my best though to be myself and be honest with where I was at with my journey. He asked me several questions regarding the three sides (A, B, X) - i'll be the first to admit that I am NOT the resident expert on the subject, but I did my best to describe each to the best of my knowledge. The majority of his blog audience and podcast subscribers are heterosexual and it was a good opportunity to stimulate further discussion since many people don't know that there's this internal conversation going on within the gay Christian community. I think it's great that Zeke is doing his part to stir up dialogue about the issue.
Listen to the podcast interview here.
If you haven't yet, be sure to listen to my other podcast interview from the guys over at GCN Radio! Look for the February 10th episode.
Listen to the podcast interview here.
If you haven't yet, be sure to listen to my other podcast interview from the guys over at GCN Radio! Look for the February 10th episode.
Friday, February 17, 2006
The One Thing I Am Sure Of
Yesterday was one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging days of this journey.
Clearly.
It was a day of being hurt and being comforted, being condemned and being restored, being filled with doubt and being inspired to continue forward. It's incredibly difficult to hear disappointment from those I love, care about, and respect. It's frustrating to be misunderstood - to have my motives and my heart questioned. It's confusing to know how to proceed forward when one part of the Church counsels one thing and another part of the Church counsel something else.
So I woke up this morning with a few guiding questions (remember yesterday's update? - "Let the Questions Drive the Journey"):
What is it that God has called me to do? Who is in alignment with what God has called me to do? What are a few things that I am sure of?
My worlds continue to collide in this "Hot Zone". Those are the questions I'm processing right now to help me figure out what to do next . . . .
I started the day with the Advisory Board to inform them that I was stepping away from the organization so that it can better serve our function of being a bridge builder - to catalyze a dialogue within the Church. I entered the meeting thinking that it would be a dialogue. They were pretty concerned about the path I'm taking - entertaining the notion that Christians can also be gay, and further, that I was living out such a "lifestyle". That meeting was anything but a dialogue. It was more like an intervention. They knew about the "gay" thing and the first red flag when I first walked in the door was the fact that no one offered the usual hugs (except for one handshake from the person that ended up presenting himself most hostile towards me, being the first one to speak out against me).
I'm not a baby Christian. I may have alot to learn in regards to knowledge of Church history, theology, and other intellectual things that make professor/pastor types feel like they have an excuse not to be humble. Sure, i'll admit that i'm naive to some of these things. But I'm not a baby Christian. For 13 1/2 years, i've learned to discern how the Lord speaks to me. For 13 1/2 years, the Lord has prepared and equipped me with past experiences and lessons learned to be able to walk the walk He's called me to. They may not agree with the direction I'm taking for my life but they have not seen or heard what I have discerned from Him. Regardless of how they feel or think about me, I must be faithful to those things that I discern from the Lord. I shall take His correction and counsel and guidance so that I can stay on His path - His Way, not theirs.
When God told Peter to go to Cornelius' house (Acts 10), I'm sure he was concerned about his fellow Jewish brothers back home about what they'd think of him entering the home of a Gentile. But they never saw the vision that God gave Peter - 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean'. Peter saw with his own eyes that salvation has come to those viewed as outcasts and he could not deny what God was doing among them.
Neither can I.
I have seen God moving and stirring in the GLBT community. I have seen fruits of the Spirit among the GLBT faith community - "gay Christians". I have seen them worship and I do not doubt their sincerity. I have also seen that I am not the only one being called in this direction. There are many "straight" pastors being called to GLBT ministry and/or to inclusive ministry. There are many "gay" pastors in non-inclusive ministries being called to be inclusive or to serve at inclusive ministries. They are taking the same "heat" that I am from people who have not seen what we have seen.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
I would suppose that those who don't understand our work assume that if the Lord is here among the GLBT community, then it must be to condemn us. That is not what I have seen. I have seen Him touch lives, restore hope, and cause His fruit to grow in them. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. No where on that list of spiritual fruits was heterosexuality. Rather, God is touching us to love each other more properly.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
Yesterday, there were people who don't understand what I'm called to counsel me with caution and/or redirection. They verbalize love and concern but do not offer it in lifestyle. They have not walked this journey with me. They would rather pass me off to someone else that they feel is "assigned" to walk this with me. They would rather express their concern but remain detached from being a part of the process. But, yesterday, there were also numerous people who do understand what I'm called to and their counsel to me is to proceed and be faithful to it. They verbalize love and concern but also offer a commitment to journey with me.
The caution does not fall on deaf ears. It keeps me alert to be sure of what God is calling me to do and leading me to do. I shall be faithful to it.
Here's the irony of this emotional rollercoaster of a week: I'm concluding this week at a four day conference with the theme of being a "Kingdom Builder". And yes, this conference is hosted by an inclusive ministry.
I've mentioned before that the GLBT faith community ought to move past the advocacy and be leaders in living out our faith in service to the city. The fruit will speak for itself. I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet.
That's precisely what I shall do.
Clearly.
It was a day of being hurt and being comforted, being condemned and being restored, being filled with doubt and being inspired to continue forward. It's incredibly difficult to hear disappointment from those I love, care about, and respect. It's frustrating to be misunderstood - to have my motives and my heart questioned. It's confusing to know how to proceed forward when one part of the Church counsels one thing and another part of the Church counsel something else.
So I woke up this morning with a few guiding questions (remember yesterday's update? - "Let the Questions Drive the Journey"):
What is it that God has called me to do? Who is in alignment with what God has called me to do? What are a few things that I am sure of?
My worlds continue to collide in this "Hot Zone". Those are the questions I'm processing right now to help me figure out what to do next . . . .
I started the day with the Advisory Board to inform them that I was stepping away from the organization so that it can better serve our function of being a bridge builder - to catalyze a dialogue within the Church. I entered the meeting thinking that it would be a dialogue. They were pretty concerned about the path I'm taking - entertaining the notion that Christians can also be gay, and further, that I was living out such a "lifestyle". That meeting was anything but a dialogue. It was more like an intervention. They knew about the "gay" thing and the first red flag when I first walked in the door was the fact that no one offered the usual hugs (except for one handshake from the person that ended up presenting himself most hostile towards me, being the first one to speak out against me).
I'm not a baby Christian. I may have alot to learn in regards to knowledge of Church history, theology, and other intellectual things that make professor/pastor types feel like they have an excuse not to be humble. Sure, i'll admit that i'm naive to some of these things. But I'm not a baby Christian. For 13 1/2 years, i've learned to discern how the Lord speaks to me. For 13 1/2 years, the Lord has prepared and equipped me with past experiences and lessons learned to be able to walk the walk He's called me to. They may not agree with the direction I'm taking for my life but they have not seen or heard what I have discerned from Him. Regardless of how they feel or think about me, I must be faithful to those things that I discern from the Lord. I shall take His correction and counsel and guidance so that I can stay on His path - His Way, not theirs.
When God told Peter to go to Cornelius' house (Acts 10), I'm sure he was concerned about his fellow Jewish brothers back home about what they'd think of him entering the home of a Gentile. But they never saw the vision that God gave Peter - 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean'. Peter saw with his own eyes that salvation has come to those viewed as outcasts and he could not deny what God was doing among them.
Neither can I.
I have seen God moving and stirring in the GLBT community. I have seen fruits of the Spirit among the GLBT faith community - "gay Christians". I have seen them worship and I do not doubt their sincerity. I have also seen that I am not the only one being called in this direction. There are many "straight" pastors being called to GLBT ministry and/or to inclusive ministry. There are many "gay" pastors in non-inclusive ministries being called to be inclusive or to serve at inclusive ministries. They are taking the same "heat" that I am from people who have not seen what we have seen.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
I would suppose that those who don't understand our work assume that if the Lord is here among the GLBT community, then it must be to condemn us. That is not what I have seen. I have seen Him touch lives, restore hope, and cause His fruit to grow in them. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. No where on that list of spiritual fruits was heterosexuality. Rather, God is touching us to love each other more properly.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
Yesterday, there were people who don't understand what I'm called to counsel me with caution and/or redirection. They verbalize love and concern but do not offer it in lifestyle. They have not walked this journey with me. They would rather pass me off to someone else that they feel is "assigned" to walk this with me. They would rather express their concern but remain detached from being a part of the process. But, yesterday, there were also numerous people who do understand what I'm called to and their counsel to me is to proceed and be faithful to it. They verbalize love and concern but also offer a commitment to journey with me.
The caution does not fall on deaf ears. It keeps me alert to be sure of what God is calling me to do and leading me to do. I shall be faithful to it.
Here's the irony of this emotional rollercoaster of a week: I'm concluding this week at a four day conference with the theme of being a "Kingdom Builder". And yes, this conference is hosted by an inclusive ministry.
I've mentioned before that the GLBT faith community ought to move past the advocacy and be leaders in living out our faith in service to the city. The fruit will speak for itself. I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet.
That's precisely what I shall do.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Letter to Advisory Board
Since I recently decided to step away from my public ministry, my ministry partner and I will be meeting with our organization's advisory board to inform them of what's going on. For many of them, it will be their first time knowing about my journey. For others, it will be their first time knowing that i'm gay.
This meeting will take place in roughly six hours from now.
I've had a difficult time this week (emotionally) with the decision. I'm needing time to grieve. On the flip side, God is birthing new vision in me for this other non-profit organization that I'll be establishing. It's been a roller coaster week and I was having a challenging time preparing for this meeting with the advisory board. These are people I love and care about and I fear their rejection. Below is the letter that I have prepared for them . . . .
*****************************************
[Note: the name of the organization and the name of my ministry partner have been omitted. Yes, some parts of this letter sound familiar - i extracted them from recent posts.]
Dear [Organization Name] Advisory Team of Long Beach,
God birthed a vision in [my ministry partner] and I that led to the establishment of [this public ministry]. He divinely teamed us together with complementary strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents equipping us to facilitate the vision of seeing Long Beach transformed as God’s people live out the Great Commission. Together, we have strived to function as a bridge building organization hoping to catalyze the Church in Long Beach towards personal and community transformation. We have invested almost four years into building relationships throughout the city for this purpose.
During this same time period, I have wrestled with the issue of my same sex attractions. I remember having these attractions as early as 8 years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior 13 ½ years ago when I was 16 years old. It’s been a difficult experience for me to live in a world with an obvious public stigma towards gay people. Even more difficult was functioning within the Church that often ignored the issue unless it was condemning it. I learned that the Church was not safe for people like me.
In 2004, [this public ministry] was connecting with numerous prayer intercessors throughout the city. I was a part of several city-wide prayer meetings that often and typically prayed against the homosexual population in Long Beach and the enemy’s “stronghold” over this city in regards to their rebellion. I consistently felt convicted by the Lord regarding two things:
“Why am I praying against a people that I don’t even know?” and “Why am I praying against them when I am one of them?”
I felt that I could not speak these questions publicly to the prayer intercessors because their hostility towards the GLBT community was evident in their prayers against them and I was afraid. These questions led to further questions about the issue, some of which are:
“Why do I believe the things I do about homosexuality? Is it because I really believe it to be true or is it because it was simply the only thing that I was taught?”
In 2005, I began a new kind of wrestling regarding the issue of homosexuality, faith, God, and the Church. I refer to this as “my journey” and started an online journal (also known as a “blog”) called Two World Collision to chronicle my process. This journey of mine began with the desire to “own” what I believe about it being a sin so that I could confidently speak against it. I didn’t want to simply repeat the ideas of others of the same perspective. So on my journey, I chose to take a step back and to take a neutral stance about the issue. I wanted to be informed regarding all perspectives so that I could honestly discern for myself through the Lord’s guidance what I believed.
This journey included reading books and essays, hearing testimonies, examining Scripture, prayer, and interviewing people from three distinct perspectives: Side A, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian in a committed and monogamous context; Side B, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian but should remain celibate; and Side X (a phrase I coined referring to ex-gay ministries), presenting the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian and that transformation of sexuality was necessary.
I entered this journey with [my ministry partner's] full knowledge and support. As I learned about the different perspectives, I was able to process much of my thoughts with him. He walked this journey with me. In this process, I discovered that I no longer held a Side X view regarding this issue. My original intention for this journey was to be able to confidently speak against it but instead I have found resolution in terms of my faith and sexuality. I sincerely believe that the Lord has walked with me on this journey as well and that the Lord has led me to my current Side A perspective.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of [this organization] because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, [the organization] needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. I think that about 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for almost four years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle".
Even though he does not have a Side A view like I do, [my ministry partner] is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in [the organization]. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay and calling myself Christian.
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission in exchange for my own sense of personal justice. I'm not willing to see [my ministry partner] have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed. The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for [the organization], I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue its purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization.
While this is an emotionally difficult decision for me, both [my ministry partner] and I are in agreement that this is the best thing to do. I have a peace about it. From our perspective, it's not a "split". He will continue the work we started together in calling the Church to Kingdom values (including unity) while I will establish another non-profit organization. God is birthing a fresh vision in me for this new organization that will be moving to "catalyze a culture of trust, unity, and life in the GLBT community and the city". Our intention is to preserve an attitude of partnership among the two organizations so that we can work together to bring the GLBT faith community and the mainstream Church together in healthy dialogue.
The reality is that there are people like me – gay and Christian – within our local churches throughout the city. Many of us are Side A, some are Side B, some are Side X, and some are still wrestling through it. However, we have all placed our faith in Jesus Christ and have received His salvation by grace alone. We worship the Lord, serve our neighbors, and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit.
My challenge to this Advisory Team, to [the organization], and to the Church in Long Beach is to call the question:
What do we do with those gay Christians? As the Church, do we acknowledge them as being included with the Family of God or do we disown them from the Family of God and insist in their reorientation?
I encourage you to bring this issue into the “hot zone” – that place of dialogue where homosexuality is no longer the unspeakable topic. I encourage you to stand firmly beside those with whom you are in relationship with. I encourage you to model for the rest of the Church what it looks like to embrace each other despite theological differences of interpretation.
It has been a privilege serving Him along side you.
Blessings,
Eric
**************************************
Let's all hope the meeting goes well . . . .
This meeting will take place in roughly six hours from now.
I've had a difficult time this week (emotionally) with the decision. I'm needing time to grieve. On the flip side, God is birthing new vision in me for this other non-profit organization that I'll be establishing. It's been a roller coaster week and I was having a challenging time preparing for this meeting with the advisory board. These are people I love and care about and I fear their rejection. Below is the letter that I have prepared for them . . . .
*****************************************
[Note: the name of the organization and the name of my ministry partner have been omitted. Yes, some parts of this letter sound familiar - i extracted them from recent posts.]
Dear [Organization Name] Advisory Team of Long Beach,
God birthed a vision in [my ministry partner] and I that led to the establishment of [this public ministry]. He divinely teamed us together with complementary strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents equipping us to facilitate the vision of seeing Long Beach transformed as God’s people live out the Great Commission. Together, we have strived to function as a bridge building organization hoping to catalyze the Church in Long Beach towards personal and community transformation. We have invested almost four years into building relationships throughout the city for this purpose.
During this same time period, I have wrestled with the issue of my same sex attractions. I remember having these attractions as early as 8 years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior 13 ½ years ago when I was 16 years old. It’s been a difficult experience for me to live in a world with an obvious public stigma towards gay people. Even more difficult was functioning within the Church that often ignored the issue unless it was condemning it. I learned that the Church was not safe for people like me.
In 2004, [this public ministry] was connecting with numerous prayer intercessors throughout the city. I was a part of several city-wide prayer meetings that often and typically prayed against the homosexual population in Long Beach and the enemy’s “stronghold” over this city in regards to their rebellion. I consistently felt convicted by the Lord regarding two things:
“Why am I praying against a people that I don’t even know?” and “Why am I praying against them when I am one of them?”
I felt that I could not speak these questions publicly to the prayer intercessors because their hostility towards the GLBT community was evident in their prayers against them and I was afraid. These questions led to further questions about the issue, some of which are:
“Why do I believe the things I do about homosexuality? Is it because I really believe it to be true or is it because it was simply the only thing that I was taught?”
In 2005, I began a new kind of wrestling regarding the issue of homosexuality, faith, God, and the Church. I refer to this as “my journey” and started an online journal (also known as a “blog”) called Two World Collision to chronicle my process. This journey of mine began with the desire to “own” what I believe about it being a sin so that I could confidently speak against it. I didn’t want to simply repeat the ideas of others of the same perspective. So on my journey, I chose to take a step back and to take a neutral stance about the issue. I wanted to be informed regarding all perspectives so that I could honestly discern for myself through the Lord’s guidance what I believed.
This journey included reading books and essays, hearing testimonies, examining Scripture, prayer, and interviewing people from three distinct perspectives: Side A, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian in a committed and monogamous context; Side B, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian but should remain celibate; and Side X (a phrase I coined referring to ex-gay ministries), presenting the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian and that transformation of sexuality was necessary.
I entered this journey with [my ministry partner's] full knowledge and support. As I learned about the different perspectives, I was able to process much of my thoughts with him. He walked this journey with me. In this process, I discovered that I no longer held a Side X view regarding this issue. My original intention for this journey was to be able to confidently speak against it but instead I have found resolution in terms of my faith and sexuality. I sincerely believe that the Lord has walked with me on this journey as well and that the Lord has led me to my current Side A perspective.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of [this organization] because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, [the organization] needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. I think that about 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for almost four years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle".
Even though he does not have a Side A view like I do, [my ministry partner] is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in [the organization]. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay and calling myself Christian.
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission in exchange for my own sense of personal justice. I'm not willing to see [my ministry partner] have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed. The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for [the organization], I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue its purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization.
While this is an emotionally difficult decision for me, both [my ministry partner] and I are in agreement that this is the best thing to do. I have a peace about it. From our perspective, it's not a "split". He will continue the work we started together in calling the Church to Kingdom values (including unity) while I will establish another non-profit organization. God is birthing a fresh vision in me for this new organization that will be moving to "catalyze a culture of trust, unity, and life in the GLBT community and the city". Our intention is to preserve an attitude of partnership among the two organizations so that we can work together to bring the GLBT faith community and the mainstream Church together in healthy dialogue.
The reality is that there are people like me – gay and Christian – within our local churches throughout the city. Many of us are Side A, some are Side B, some are Side X, and some are still wrestling through it. However, we have all placed our faith in Jesus Christ and have received His salvation by grace alone. We worship the Lord, serve our neighbors, and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit.
My challenge to this Advisory Team, to [the organization], and to the Church in Long Beach is to call the question:
What do we do with those gay Christians? As the Church, do we acknowledge them as being included with the Family of God or do we disown them from the Family of God and insist in their reorientation?
I encourage you to bring this issue into the “hot zone” – that place of dialogue where homosexuality is no longer the unspeakable topic. I encourage you to stand firmly beside those with whom you are in relationship with. I encourage you to model for the rest of the Church what it looks like to embrace each other despite theological differences of interpretation.
It has been a privilege serving Him along side you.
Blessings,
Eric
**************************************
Let's all hope the meeting goes well . . . .
Monday, February 13, 2006
Podcast Interviews
I had the honor of being interviewed by Justin and Brian on GCN Radio's podcast. It was my first podcast interview that i've done so far and I had fun doing it. It's the first episode of their fourth season of broadcasting the show. How awesome, huh? Be sure to check it out at GCN Radio's archive page - it's the February 10th episode. For most of you, you'll get to hear what my voice sounds like! =)
Later this week, i'm scheduled to do another podcast interview with Zeke over at Godscrum. Zeke runs a blog called "One For Truth" and from what I know of him so far, he believes that homosexuality is a sin but thinks that the Church should be demonstrating alot more grace and mercy towards gays than it currently is. He's been keeping up with my journey here at TWC and we've emailed a few times. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop by over at Zeke's and if you'd like, post a question here for him to ask me during the interview. I think his audience is primarily heterosexual. Thanks!
Later this week, i'm scheduled to do another podcast interview with Zeke over at Godscrum. Zeke runs a blog called "One For Truth" and from what I know of him so far, he believes that homosexuality is a sin but thinks that the Church should be demonstrating alot more grace and mercy towards gays than it currently is. He's been keeping up with my journey here at TWC and we've emailed a few times. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop by over at Zeke's and if you'd like, post a question here for him to ask me during the interview. I think his audience is primarily heterosexual. Thanks!
Friday, February 10, 2006
For the Kingdom and For the Baby
We all want to protect our children. At least, I would hope we all do. Our society values the life and safety of kids. If we don't have kids of our own, we are protective of our nieces and nephews. If none of those, then at least the grade school kids playing out during recess must be kept safe. Either way, we guard over our children.
I don't have any kids - yet! I'd sure like to have kids one day. In my immediate family, I've got five nieces and one nephew. I love 'em all! But I have to admit that, as a man, I do not fully comprehend the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising my own children. I may not fully know 'maternal instinct', but I do have an 'uncle's instinct' and I'd die to protect the family's young ones.
However, I do have a kind of 'maternal instinct'. I do know what it's like to be pregnant with an idea, to see that idea birthed into a faith-based non-profit organization (the public ministry that i've referred to in the past), and nurtured it to see it grow and multiply. I know what it's like to clean up after it and change its diapers. I know what it's like to be proud of it. I know what it's like go broke to support it. I know what it's like to lose sleep over it. I know what it's like to love it. I know what it's like to feel like it's a gift from God. I know what it's like to want to protect it with my life when it's threatened. And protecting it is precisely what I was trying to do this week . . . .
My ministry partner and I have been friends for about eight to nine years. We've grown to appreciate a common heart and paradigm for the Church and His Kingdom in the city. About four years ago (this coming May), God began to give us a vision for ministry. We both continued to dialogue about these things that He was placing on both our hearts - God's heart for unity but the Church's current state of division; God's heart for mission but the Church's growing ineffectiveness and irrelevance in the city culture.
Who are we that God would do anything through us?
We were available. For Him. And it's an honor to serve Him in any way. So we began to live out these Kingdom values of unity and mission by building relationships throughout the city with church leaders, business leaders, community leaders, civic leaders, and city officials. And in these relationships, God granted us their favor. Our mission was to catalyze God's people to live out their faith.
God birthed this non-profit organization through my ministry partner and I. We were the co-founders and we treated it like it was our "baby". We are protective of the work we do because so much of it is relationally based. We're not about programs and numbers - rather, our measures of success are increased levels of trust within relationships. If trust can be established through relationship, then partnership can take place and people can begin to function in unity.
One of the reasons why our organization is so dear to my heart is because of what it symbolizes for me and my journey - the fact that God can use a guy like me (gay and all) to accomplish His purposes. It is truly humbling that God would do such things through us. I've made mistakes in my past but this organization symbolizes to me that I am not disqualified for His service - regardless of what the Church may think about me.
But that seemed to be the problem. The Church - at least the mainstream part of it - is primarily still Side X and would not approve of me. Personally, I have resolved that God does approve of me - and even further, qualifies me - but the mainstream Church still takes issue. Whole denominations across the country (and world) are dividing over this issue. As factions take sides, the Church is warring with itself and we're seeing the wreckage of these battles in our families, our communities, our churches, and our cities.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of our organization because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, our organization needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. About 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for over three years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle". Right or wrong, it's true.
My ministry partner is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in our organization. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay (Side A).
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade my own sense of justice for myself in exchange for the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission. I'm not willing to see my ministry partner have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed.
The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for our organization (our "baby"), I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue it's purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization. It's a no-brainer.
How do I feel about all this? You can imagine. I was remembering an old post from way in the beginning . . . "I'm No Superman" - and I've cried this week thinking about the song. I've grieved this week thinking about the reality of not being able to directly be a part of our organization - this thing we did together.
Both my ministry partner and I are in mutual agreement that this is the best decision. I have a peace about it. We are not parting ways like Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41). Rather, he is continuing the work we started with the mainstream faith community while I continue the work with the GLBT faith community. We will continue to interact as we always have - we're friends! - and when the time is strategically right with the relationships we've both developed in each of our spheres, we'll bring them together for that dialogue - the mainstream Church with the GLBT Church - reintroducing siblings who were disowning each other. I believe that Christ will return again - and that He's coming for a Bride, not a harem. Helping the whole Church come together is what this is all about.
What does this mean for me practically? I won't have a job. I'll transition out until the end of March so that others can take over my responsibilities.
What's next? The formal establishment of Two World Collision.
It's a step of faith. But then again, this whole journey has been a walk of faith. Stay tuned!
I don't have any kids - yet! I'd sure like to have kids one day. In my immediate family, I've got five nieces and one nephew. I love 'em all! But I have to admit that, as a man, I do not fully comprehend the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising my own children. I may not fully know 'maternal instinct', but I do have an 'uncle's instinct' and I'd die to protect the family's young ones.
However, I do have a kind of 'maternal instinct'. I do know what it's like to be pregnant with an idea, to see that idea birthed into a faith-based non-profit organization (the public ministry that i've referred to in the past), and nurtured it to see it grow and multiply. I know what it's like to clean up after it and change its diapers. I know what it's like to be proud of it. I know what it's like go broke to support it. I know what it's like to lose sleep over it. I know what it's like to love it. I know what it's like to feel like it's a gift from God. I know what it's like to want to protect it with my life when it's threatened. And protecting it is precisely what I was trying to do this week . . . .
My ministry partner and I have been friends for about eight to nine years. We've grown to appreciate a common heart and paradigm for the Church and His Kingdom in the city. About four years ago (this coming May), God began to give us a vision for ministry. We both continued to dialogue about these things that He was placing on both our hearts - God's heart for unity but the Church's current state of division; God's heart for mission but the Church's growing ineffectiveness and irrelevance in the city culture.
Who are we that God would do anything through us?
We were available. For Him. And it's an honor to serve Him in any way. So we began to live out these Kingdom values of unity and mission by building relationships throughout the city with church leaders, business leaders, community leaders, civic leaders, and city officials. And in these relationships, God granted us their favor. Our mission was to catalyze God's people to live out their faith.
God birthed this non-profit organization through my ministry partner and I. We were the co-founders and we treated it like it was our "baby". We are protective of the work we do because so much of it is relationally based. We're not about programs and numbers - rather, our measures of success are increased levels of trust within relationships. If trust can be established through relationship, then partnership can take place and people can begin to function in unity.
One of the reasons why our organization is so dear to my heart is because of what it symbolizes for me and my journey - the fact that God can use a guy like me (gay and all) to accomplish His purposes. It is truly humbling that God would do such things through us. I've made mistakes in my past but this organization symbolizes to me that I am not disqualified for His service - regardless of what the Church may think about me.
But that seemed to be the problem. The Church - at least the mainstream part of it - is primarily still Side X and would not approve of me. Personally, I have resolved that God does approve of me - and even further, qualifies me - but the mainstream Church still takes issue. Whole denominations across the country (and world) are dividing over this issue. As factions take sides, the Church is warring with itself and we're seeing the wreckage of these battles in our families, our communities, our churches, and our cities.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of our organization because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, our organization needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. About 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for over three years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle". Right or wrong, it's true.
My ministry partner is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in our organization. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay (Side A).
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade my own sense of justice for myself in exchange for the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission. I'm not willing to see my ministry partner have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed.
The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for our organization (our "baby"), I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue it's purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization. It's a no-brainer.
How do I feel about all this? You can imagine. I was remembering an old post from way in the beginning . . . "I'm No Superman" - and I've cried this week thinking about the song. I've grieved this week thinking about the reality of not being able to directly be a part of our organization - this thing we did together.
Both my ministry partner and I are in mutual agreement that this is the best decision. I have a peace about it. We are not parting ways like Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41). Rather, he is continuing the work we started with the mainstream faith community while I continue the work with the GLBT faith community. We will continue to interact as we always have - we're friends! - and when the time is strategically right with the relationships we've both developed in each of our spheres, we'll bring them together for that dialogue - the mainstream Church with the GLBT Church - reintroducing siblings who were disowning each other. I believe that Christ will return again - and that He's coming for a Bride, not a harem. Helping the whole Church come together is what this is all about.
What does this mean for me practically? I won't have a job. I'll transition out until the end of March so that others can take over my responsibilities.
What's next? The formal establishment of Two World Collision.
It's a step of faith. But then again, this whole journey has been a walk of faith. Stay tuned!
Friday, February 03, 2006
A Relationship Dynamic With Mr. Right
So I’ve been seeing someone.
About two months ago, I allowed myself to start “dating”. Several months before that, I had been wrestling with the concept of being both gay and Christian, and now I’m much more comfortable with the person I am - a Christ-centered gay guy who is simply trying to love God and others more properly. Part of this dynamic includes the prospect of entering into a romantic relationship.
As I’m becoming more and more familiar with the gay culture, I’m discovering that physical affection and even sexual connection is not uncommon early on in the get-to-know-you process. Is that what I’m wanting? I’ll admit that, having done my time in the closet, I do long for a certain kind of touch from another guy. But does accepting myself as a gay man mean that it’s okay for me to be a part of that gay culture that seems so liberal with physical and sexual intimacy? Do I have to redefine my values based on what is common among other gay men in “relationships”?
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to go on dates with another guy and pursue a potential romance so I realize that I’ve got a lot to learn about dating and relationships. I’ve talked before about “Mr. Right” and the kind of guy I’m looking for. But in this process, I’m learning a lot more of what I’m wanting in a relationship . . . .
We haven’t defined anything yet between the two of us. We don’t consider ourselves “in a relationship” with each other. We’re simply “seeing each other”. We’re getting to know each other. We’re going on dates. But it’s also okay for either of us to go on dates with other people. We’re not exclusive.
Sometime during the first week of seeing each other, we had the talk about “sex”. Maybe it was a newbie mistake, breaking some kind of “Do’s and Don’ts” dating rules, but I wanted to get it out on the table right from the very beginning. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex - at least, not right now. Fortunately, that conversation went off well because the feeling was mutual. Now, don’t get me wrong. The physical attraction was definitely mutual. But we both are looking for something of substance. He’s been with guys before and he’s communicated to me that he’s not looking for a “quickie” or something “casual”. I’ve had one night stands before and I’m not looking for another connection that will just leave me feeling guilty afterwards. I’m looking for something that can last - something with a foundation - and I don’t want sex to screw that up or confuse things (or even complicate things).
It’s actually been good getting to know each other and knowing that we are both on the same page in regards to sex between the two of us. But it does get difficult at times. Temptation. Argh! There are definitely times when we are together and we get a bit “touchy”. We’ve been physically affectionate but we’ve never crossed that established boundary of sex that we both agreed upon. I don’t feel guilty about the physical affection. But I do find myself wondering if the degree of physical affection is consistent with how much we know each other thus far.
When is it okay for us to kiss? When is it okay for us to “make out”? When is it okay for us to hold hands in public? When is it okay for us to place a hand on the other’s knee? When is it okay for us to cuddle? When is it okay for us to give each other massages? When is it okay for us to share a bed (without having sex)? When is it okay for us to have sex?
A part of me wants to just allow things to develop naturally and not jinx the potential relationship with a pre-set timeline of physical milestones. But I do think that I’d like the natural progression of physical intimacy to be consistent with our “knowledge of each other”. I’m not referring to simple facts about each other’s history. But I guess I’m looking for a relationship where the other guy “knows” me. I want him to gradually get to know things about me that I may not necessarily share with him specifically - things like my idiosyncrasies, my catch phrases, my facial expressions when I’m happy or sad or mellow or excited. I want him to get to know what I value or what I’m passionate about based on his observations of my life. As we get to know each other, I want our physical intimacy to match.
Is it right for us to be familiar with certain body parts before being familiar with each other's family members?
As it is now, we are still just getting to know each other and we are still both open to allowing ourselves to get to know other people too. We are not yet at a point of commitment. So should we be non-sexually physically affectionate at this stage of our interaction with each other? If yes, then to what degree?
We’ve already had this conversation with each other - we’re both on the same page regarding these things (I hope! - he reads this blog. Am I making another newbie mistake right now? Sorry, just remember this . . . ). So while we have set a boundary in regards to sex with each other, there’s also a mutual understanding that we don’t want to allow things to get more affectionate beyond what seems to match our current state of non-physical connection.
Is this making sense? Am I rambling? Perhaps . . . .
The other thing that I was thinking about was what I am wanting in a relationship. Besides knowing the kind of guy that I want to be with, I’m learning that there’s also a certain dynamic that I’m wanting in a relationship.
I want a relationship with passion - not just that both of us have passion about life or even that both of us have things that we are passionate about. In a relationship, I want our passions to complement each other. We don’t necessarily have to have the same passions, but I want a relationship where his passions stimulate my passions. I want a relationship where we both encourage each other to live out those passions and that doing that isn’t a distraction from the relationship. Rather, encouraging each other to live out our passions is an extension of our relationship.
I want a relationship with life. I’m not so naïve to think that the “honeymoon” stage never wears off. I know that it does. But I want a relationship that is more than simply reporting in to each other what we did during our day. I want a relationship where we can naturally unpack how we felt about things that happened in our day. I want to be able to communicate with each other how life has affected us. In doing this together, I want a relationship where we are living out life together.
I want a relationship with flavor. I want us to affect one another. I want to grow and to be challenged to be better - I want this to be a fruit of our relationship. I want to be stimulated to think differently about the world. I want to be encouraged to evaluate and assess my motives and my actions without a sense of condemnation. I want to learn from his strengths and I want him to learn from mine.
Maybe saying that I want these things reveals that I actually am naïve regarding relationships. I don’t know if these things are realistic. Maybe I’ll post a year from now laughing at myself for wanting a relationship with passion, life and flavor. But for now, I think it’s okay to want a certain kind of dynamic in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship that simply goes through the motions. I want a relationship that is driven forward - I want a relationship where we are both moving somewhere, together.
I know I’m going to meet a lot of different kinds of guys - some with certain values, some with certain personalities. But as I allow myself to date and allow for the possibility of a romance to develop, I’m not so concerned about what either of us can “give” to each other in the relationship or even what either of us are “getting” from each other in the relationship. What I’m more concerned about is the person we each are “becoming” because of that relationship with each other.
My Mr. Right becomes Mr. Right (for me) when he also becomes willing to work towards a relationship dynamic like this one. That’s someone I can share the rest of my life with.
About two months ago, I allowed myself to start “dating”. Several months before that, I had been wrestling with the concept of being both gay and Christian, and now I’m much more comfortable with the person I am - a Christ-centered gay guy who is simply trying to love God and others more properly. Part of this dynamic includes the prospect of entering into a romantic relationship.
As I’m becoming more and more familiar with the gay culture, I’m discovering that physical affection and even sexual connection is not uncommon early on in the get-to-know-you process. Is that what I’m wanting? I’ll admit that, having done my time in the closet, I do long for a certain kind of touch from another guy. But does accepting myself as a gay man mean that it’s okay for me to be a part of that gay culture that seems so liberal with physical and sexual intimacy? Do I have to redefine my values based on what is common among other gay men in “relationships”?
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to go on dates with another guy and pursue a potential romance so I realize that I’ve got a lot to learn about dating and relationships. I’ve talked before about “Mr. Right” and the kind of guy I’m looking for. But in this process, I’m learning a lot more of what I’m wanting in a relationship . . . .
We haven’t defined anything yet between the two of us. We don’t consider ourselves “in a relationship” with each other. We’re simply “seeing each other”. We’re getting to know each other. We’re going on dates. But it’s also okay for either of us to go on dates with other people. We’re not exclusive.
Sometime during the first week of seeing each other, we had the talk about “sex”. Maybe it was a newbie mistake, breaking some kind of “Do’s and Don’ts” dating rules, but I wanted to get it out on the table right from the very beginning. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex - at least, not right now. Fortunately, that conversation went off well because the feeling was mutual. Now, don’t get me wrong. The physical attraction was definitely mutual. But we both are looking for something of substance. He’s been with guys before and he’s communicated to me that he’s not looking for a “quickie” or something “casual”. I’ve had one night stands before and I’m not looking for another connection that will just leave me feeling guilty afterwards. I’m looking for something that can last - something with a foundation - and I don’t want sex to screw that up or confuse things (or even complicate things).
It’s actually been good getting to know each other and knowing that we are both on the same page in regards to sex between the two of us. But it does get difficult at times. Temptation. Argh! There are definitely times when we are together and we get a bit “touchy”. We’ve been physically affectionate but we’ve never crossed that established boundary of sex that we both agreed upon. I don’t feel guilty about the physical affection. But I do find myself wondering if the degree of physical affection is consistent with how much we know each other thus far.
When is it okay for us to kiss? When is it okay for us to “make out”? When is it okay for us to hold hands in public? When is it okay for us to place a hand on the other’s knee? When is it okay for us to cuddle? When is it okay for us to give each other massages? When is it okay for us to share a bed (without having sex)? When is it okay for us to have sex?
A part of me wants to just allow things to develop naturally and not jinx the potential relationship with a pre-set timeline of physical milestones. But I do think that I’d like the natural progression of physical intimacy to be consistent with our “knowledge of each other”. I’m not referring to simple facts about each other’s history. But I guess I’m looking for a relationship where the other guy “knows” me. I want him to gradually get to know things about me that I may not necessarily share with him specifically - things like my idiosyncrasies, my catch phrases, my facial expressions when I’m happy or sad or mellow or excited. I want him to get to know what I value or what I’m passionate about based on his observations of my life. As we get to know each other, I want our physical intimacy to match.
Is it right for us to be familiar with certain body parts before being familiar with each other's family members?
As it is now, we are still just getting to know each other and we are still both open to allowing ourselves to get to know other people too. We are not yet at a point of commitment. So should we be non-sexually physically affectionate at this stage of our interaction with each other? If yes, then to what degree?
We’ve already had this conversation with each other - we’re both on the same page regarding these things (I hope! - he reads this blog. Am I making another newbie mistake right now? Sorry, just remember this . . . ). So while we have set a boundary in regards to sex with each other, there’s also a mutual understanding that we don’t want to allow things to get more affectionate beyond what seems to match our current state of non-physical connection.
Is this making sense? Am I rambling? Perhaps . . . .
The other thing that I was thinking about was what I am wanting in a relationship. Besides knowing the kind of guy that I want to be with, I’m learning that there’s also a certain dynamic that I’m wanting in a relationship.
I want a relationship with passion - not just that both of us have passion about life or even that both of us have things that we are passionate about. In a relationship, I want our passions to complement each other. We don’t necessarily have to have the same passions, but I want a relationship where his passions stimulate my passions. I want a relationship where we both encourage each other to live out those passions and that doing that isn’t a distraction from the relationship. Rather, encouraging each other to live out our passions is an extension of our relationship.
I want a relationship with life. I’m not so naïve to think that the “honeymoon” stage never wears off. I know that it does. But I want a relationship that is more than simply reporting in to each other what we did during our day. I want a relationship where we can naturally unpack how we felt about things that happened in our day. I want to be able to communicate with each other how life has affected us. In doing this together, I want a relationship where we are living out life together.
I want a relationship with flavor. I want us to affect one another. I want to grow and to be challenged to be better - I want this to be a fruit of our relationship. I want to be stimulated to think differently about the world. I want to be encouraged to evaluate and assess my motives and my actions without a sense of condemnation. I want to learn from his strengths and I want him to learn from mine.
Maybe saying that I want these things reveals that I actually am naïve regarding relationships. I don’t know if these things are realistic. Maybe I’ll post a year from now laughing at myself for wanting a relationship with passion, life and flavor. But for now, I think it’s okay to want a certain kind of dynamic in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship that simply goes through the motions. I want a relationship that is driven forward - I want a relationship where we are both moving somewhere, together.
I know I’m going to meet a lot of different kinds of guys - some with certain values, some with certain personalities. But as I allow myself to date and allow for the possibility of a romance to develop, I’m not so concerned about what either of us can “give” to each other in the relationship or even what either of us are “getting” from each other in the relationship. What I’m more concerned about is the person we each are “becoming” because of that relationship with each other.
My Mr. Right becomes Mr. Right (for me) when he also becomes willing to work towards a relationship dynamic like this one. That’s someone I can share the rest of my life with.
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