Coalition of Bridge Builders

Another big collaborative project that I've been working on the past several months doesn't have an official name but the phrase I've been using to describe us is that we are a coalition of bridge builders. The team is comprised of my friends Dr. Becky Kuhn (Global Lifeworks), Andy Marin (The Marin Foundation), John Lewis (Urban Youth Workers Institute), Ed Salas (Newsong Church), Brad Fieldhouse (Kingdom Causes) and also myself (Catalyst Community). We're all bridge building organizations and so the vision of the Coalition is to see the broader Church engage in a productive and safe dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals within our community.

This means that we are trying to build a bridge between the pastors of conservative churches and the pastors of inclusive churches, help each group to find common ground, and help create a space of conversation that helps us all share Christ's light and love for all people. (Side note: the link to GCN isn't meant as an official endorsement of the Coalition's work (though Justin does support what we're doing!) - its just that I'm using GCN's mission statement a lot in my every day language because I believe in GCN's mission so much that I think it should rightly be applied as a lifestyle in every context. Anyway, just giving proper credit.)

So anyway, back to the Coalition.

In this collaborative project, at times I feel like I am undertaking one of THE most difficult tasks the Lord has called me to do. He's told me to step, and I've stepped, but for me, it's really scary at times . . . .

I have my own baggage and hurts from the conservative Church and I'm dealing with a slew of emotions in this collaborative project - from hurt to resentment to bitterness to gratitude to excitement to hope. There are times when I fight back the tears because there's still much grieving to be done that I never allowed myself to go through back then. I just got busy with new vision and began the new work moving forward and following God, but the reality is that there is still pain deep down from when I was in the closet, being in the Side X culture, and even being patronized and rejected by people within the organization that I helped start.

Drama.

Ya know, I've been great since coming out, feeling free to be authentic and all. I'm cool. But when the pain resurfaces, it's as if I'm in the closet again and I feel silenced. I'm not at all saying that the Coalition silences me - they do the opposite. I'm just saying that my participation in the Coalition is exciting while also requiring a great deal of emotional energy because I'm experiencing the silencing pain and at the same time being intentional about speaking up. There's a lot of internal wrestling going on while I'm at the table. Not only do I want to ensure that what we're doing is safe for inclusive pastors and other gay Christians, but I want to make sure that it's safe for me as well!

It's not easy to ask someone who has felt abused to be in the same room with those he/she perceives to be the abuser. That's what we're potentially asking inclusive pastors and gay Christians to do in coming to the table with conservative pastors and potentially Side X straight Christians.

That said, the Coalition has been great to me. The team have all shown me respect, patience in my need to build trust, and they have honored my contributions to what we're doing. I am honored to be at the table helping to shape what this Coalition looks like. And despite the stuff going on inside me in order to be at the table, I know that this is the very thing that God has been preparing me for and calling me to.

Here we are, in the Hot Zone - "that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject".

To any of our knowledge, no where else is anyone trying to do what we're trying to do. In other places, there are Side A folks bent on changing Side B folks. There are Side X folks bent on changing Side A folks. But we haven't seen anyone else trying to bring the two groups of conservative pastors and the inclusive pastors together in the same room to talk about the issue that is dividing the Church globally while not having an agenda of one group changing the other group's mind. The difficult thing for our core team is to sift through all the complexities of both groups and trying to find a framework for a productive and safe dialogue for those two groups.

This past Wednesday, the Coalition had our very first event. It was a round table lunch discussion with pastors and leaders from conservative churches. The goal was to help share with them a new perspective regarding the GLBT community, give them an opportunity to share with each other about the GLBT concerns/issues that they are experiencing or are concerned about in their own ministries, and to introduce them to a bridge building framework so that eventually this group could engage in that productive and safe dialogue with the inclusive pastors and the gay Christian community.

The Coalition's bridge building approach is to also have a round table lunch discussion with pastors and leaders from inclusive churches. This will take place on October 8, 2008. The discussion will be similar in that we'll introduce them to the same bridge building framework that the conservative pastors and leaders heard. But we'll also give them an opportunity to share with each other about concerns that they may have for even trying to meet half way with the conservative group.

Our goal with both groups is to facilitate introductions so that they can begin to build trust. As trust develops, we'll bring them together - not to change each other, but rather to hear each other. This will take a process.

So the Wednesday round table event with the conservative group went well. Andy did a great job with sharing research results from his organization's national study on "Religious Acculturation within the GLBT Community". (In fact, to participate in the study, go here.) He was also the one to share the bridge building framework with the group. We then had someone share a personal story (honoring confidentiality here, but the person did an amazing job) to help give this conservative group a new perspective to consider.

While the event itself went well, all in all, internally I think I did fairly well too. I found myself fearful and silent at times. There were other times when I openly talked about my journey. And then there were other times where I intentionally left out details about my being a gay Christian and left it ambiguous because, well, the point of it all was that it didn't/shouldn't matter.

I spoke to someone who was clearly Side X and was not budging. I spoke to someone who was open to new perspectives and was clearly wrestling with them. I spoke to someone who has a heart for the GLBT community. I spoke to someone who felt somewhat conflicted - she wants to love on her gay friend(s) in her church and even would take steps in having her church be more supportive but she's also concerned about how other churches would respond to such things.

There were probably two or three gay people in the entire room which would include me and another Coalition member - and maybe someone in the closet. So you can imagine I had awkward moments. But really, it wasn't that bad. There weren't times when I just wanted to bolt out of the room. There were times when I recognized, "yeah, you're someone I normally try to avoid" but still I stuck around.

Ya know, being a bridge builder is really exciting because it totally forces you to stay out of your comfort zone. It's stretching me and that's a good thing. I ought to set an example so that I can tell others (in either conservative or inclusive group) that it's okay and it'll be worth it. But i'm learning a lot about myself.

One day, I'm going to have to be in the same room as certain other pastors that have profoundly hurt me. I'm not looking forward to that day. But I know, that it will come and I'm gradually getting ready for it. However, what I do look forward to is the day when we can bring all these pastors from both groups together in the same room, introduce and speak with each other, share a meal and prayer together, and then to talk about how we can all work towards sharing Christ's light and love for all people.

HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach

One of the big collaborative projects that I've been working on is the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach. Representing Catalyst Community, I've been on the core development and planning team for this since last year along with my friends from Global Lifeworks and (my first baby) Kingdom Causes. Together, we've been meeting once per month for over a year to formulate details of what and how we wanted to work within the HIV/AIDS community here in Long Beach.

I can say that the collaborative process is very interesting! We've learned a lot about each other (and ourselves) but through it all we've built a degree of trust with one another. We're all learning to value each of our contributions to the project as we all sit at the same table as a team.

Everyone on the team has contributed to what we're doing. One of the things I'm proud to have contributed is helping to catalyze our direction towards building a mutually supportive community. I'm not interested in starting just another project where "we" (healthy people) help "them" (sick people). There are a number of great programs that already exist and I'd rather not reinvent the wheel.

I wanted something more organic and something more catalytic . . . .

So months ago, I introduced the idea that "the community is the collaborative". In other words, the team is simply there to catalyze the HIV/AIDS community but that it wouldn't rely on the team as the collaborative to host events and so on. Rather, we'd catalyze a community of both HIV positive AND HIV negative individuals to work together, build relationship, and to meet each others needs - regardless of HIV status. This would equalize the community and communicate the fact that we all have value and can mutually give and receive from one another.

What does this look like?

It could be someone volunteering to drive someone else to the pharmacy. It could be someone sitting down with someone else to teach them how to use the computer. It could be someone hanging out with someone else over coffee to get to know one another. It could be someone taking someone else to the grocery store. It could be someone hosting a dinner party. Which of these "someones" and "someone elses" are HIV positive? It doesn't matter! It's not about making HIV positive folks feel like a project and making HIV negative folks feel like they're do-gooders. It's about inspiring a community of both HIV positive and negative individuals to be good neighbors.

I've always believed that it's difficult to really get to know another person in a group setting. Personally, I prefer smaller group things and one on one interactions. However, I also believe that we need a balance to catalyze community.

Here's what I refer to as my organic approach to catalyzing community in a nutshell:

Events are an opportunity to facilitate introductions between people. More events allows people to become familiar with each other. Once familiarity develops, shared interests can be identified and trust gradually forms. As trust is established, people will begin to connect on more personal and casual contexts outside of the events while events concurrently continue to happen. Relationship develops as people continue to connect. As trust and relationship are nurtured, people will naturally form partnership and collaboration around shared interests and causes. That's when we can organize and mobilize.

In the process where relationship happens, that's where we can educate each other about the facts and realities of living with HIV and AIDS. (I believe this approach to catalyzing community can be applied in any context.)

We had a lunch time event yesterday where we introduced the vision for this kind of community. We had about 25 people there - men, women, families, singles, HIV positive, HIV negative, young, old. It really was quite exciting to cast vision and to see everyone begin to own it for themselves. "We" are the collaborative!

There's much more I'd like to say as there is more going on in terms of pointing people to existing resources in the community; perhaps I'll write more in future blogs as things develop. But for now i'll share with you the official vision and mission of the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach.

Our vision is to build a mutually supportive community between HIV positive and HIV negative individuals that cultivates authentic relationships while meeting the physical, spiritual, and psychosocial needs of everyone involved.

Our mission is to:

*Create a safe environment that facilitates open and honest sharing in the spirit of friendship.

*Provide opportunities for people to volunteer, encourage, and acknowledge one another.

*Promote citywide involvement in providing services, resources, workshops, and spiritual support to empower individuals in the HIV/AIDS and broader communities.

I'll try to keep you posted as things progress!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 8

After spending three days on the Big Island, I flew back to Honolulu on Oahu and stayed the night with my dad in Waikiki.

For my last day on the islands, I really wanted to snorkel one last time and go kayaking for the first time (since I missed doing these things when I went on my spontaneous adventure through a Hawaiian jungle in the Waipi'o Valley!). So I got up early and made my way to Kailua Beach to spend the day in the sun and water.

I didn't have a set plan - just that I'd rent snorkel stuff then later rent a kayak. Both would have cost some cash but it turned out that there was an opening for a guided kayak tour around the bay, then afterwards use of snorkeling gear was included (along with lunch). So it turned out to be a great deal!

We had a really cute kayak guide named Andy who was actually a really cool guy. He is from Delaware but had just moved to the island about six months ago. Talk about a great job! He gave us a lil orientation on the kayak and paddling then we took them out to the water.

This was my first time kayaking and I had so much fun! Actually, it wasn't that difficult and I figured it'd be easy to tip over but in my experience it was pretty sturdy. It was a great upper body work out too and Andy says that "I'm not too shaby!" *blush* lol

We took the kayaks out around the bay then landed onto Flat Island where Andy took us on a tour to see the protected bird life there. This island was unique in that it's the only island not formed out of volcanic activity. It's actually more coral reef. So the whole coral island was really pretty interesting. (or is it that Andy made it interesting! *fawn* lol)

After spending a couple hours kayaking, I had lunch and met a nice older married couple from Canada. She highly recommended this place called Prince Edward Island which I'd love to check out for myself one day. Stay tuned for Eric's Canadian Adventures!

Andy recommended a sweet snorkeling spot so I made my way to that part of the bay and went out in the water. While snorkeling, I spotted a turtle! So I followed (more like harassed) the turtle taking photos and video. Be sure to check out the video in my Facebook page!

Since it was my last day in Hawaii, I decided to just lounge around on the beach, enjoy the day, and lay out for a bit. It's not that I really *needed* a tan, but I got one all the same. While laying out, I met this cute cool guy named Tim and we ended up talking for a couple hours both in the water and on the beach. He had just moved to the island a week prior and will be there for a year. He's a civilian that works with the Air Force as an engineer. He's from Rhode Island (and had this cute accent).

I really did not want to leave! But I stretched out my time as long as possible and so I said my good byes to Tim, the Hawaiian beaches, waves and sand, and made my way back to Waikiki to say good bye to my dad.

By the time I returned the rental car and got to the airport, I missed my flight! Fortunately, I scored an alternative flight which was a direct flight to Los Angeles. My other flight would have had my layover in Dallas/Fort Worth. That was a sweet deal!

And for a grand farewell from the Hawaiian Islands, there was a musical group and a guy/girl pair doing hula for airport travelers.

All in all, this was an amazing vacation that gave me some wonderful adventures!

First time experiences:
-First time kayaking
-First time snorkeling/swimming with a turtle
-First time getting a Hawaiian tan!

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 7

I spent my last day on the Big Island checking out a lil more of Hilo then went to check out Kilauea - an active volcano.

I checked out Queen Liliuokalani Gardens in Hilo. It was a beautiful and lush gardens given as a gift from Japan. While there, I went geocaching and found #5 of the trip!

Then I went to see the Mauna Loa macadamia nut factory. They have self guided tours where you can peek in and see how the macadamia nuts are harvested, processed, and packaged. Of course they had a store so I bought a bunch of cans to bring back home for peeps.

Afterwards, I made my way to the Volcano National Park where Kilauea is. There I saw many of the volcano craters and the smoke plume coming from Kilauea.

Then I went for a hike in a tropical rain forest surrounding Kilauea's crater and even got to hike through one of the craters inside of it! It was amazing! And a great work out too! My personal trainer would be proud. =P

What an awesome three days on the Big Island! I ascended to over 13,000 feet elevation to the summit of Mauna Kea. Then I descended 2000 feet to the floor of Waipi'o Valley then hiked through a jungle to get to the base of a waterfall. Then I hiked through a tropical rain forest and through a volcanic crater. Wow! So much fun!

First time experiences:
-First time visiting Queen Liliuokalani Gardens
-First time geocaching on the Big Island
-First time visiting the Mauna Loa macadamia nut factory
-First time hiking through a volcanic crater

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 6

By far, Day 6 was the most adventurous day of this vacation! It was such an incredible day that I'm going to write a separate blog post later detailing the adventure and the journey because there are lots of life lessons that I can extrapolate from the experience.

Here's the abridged rated G version:

My original plan was to drive from Hilo (on the East side of the Big Island) to Kailua-Kona (on the West side) via the northern route around the island while making a stop midway at Waipi'o Valley on the North tip of the island. But I was planning on spending the majority of the day in Kona to snorkel and kayak then go to a luau.

When I got to the lookout at Waipi'o Valley, I saw an amazing view. I got curious so I started walking down a road hoping to take some better pictures and before I knew it I had descended the 2000 foot elevation and I found myself at the valley floor.

In the distance I discovered a waterfall deep in the valley and I began a trek to find the base of it. I soon realized that there was no actual trail to the waterfall.

Then I made the decision that started the adventure - I spontaneously hiked through the trees along the stream figuring it'd be pretty easy to get to the waterfall. I just had to not get caught because it was all private property.

I got deeper and deeper into the valley and before I knew it, I was treading through an actual jungle! I was wearing shorts and a tshirt and I was marching through plant life and greenery and trees that were all taller (and older) than me. There was no real trail. I was just trying to follow the stream whose current by the way got stronger and stronger.

I tread through trees and vines and rocks and huge rocks and then eventually through the water too! I had to keep crossing the stream every time I reached a go-no-further point on each side. I slid down hills, I slipped on huge rocks in the fast current stream, I clawed up walls. It was quite dangerous, actually. On numerous occasions in the water and on rocks and on trees and on the side bank, I fell on my hands, my butt, my elbows, my knees, and my shins. There were times when I could very well have fallen and broken my neck, my leg, or an arm or sprained an ankle. I had dirt all over my shorts. I had dirt in my mouth. I got my shorts drenched in the stream. I got my shoes drenched in the stream.

At one point, I even ditched my tshirt, cell phone, car keys, camera, watch and sun glasses because I couldn't go further with them. I even lost my eye glasses. I was neck deep in water walking along the slippery rocks beneath me with EVERYTHING I had (think about that one for a sec) bundled in my shirt trying to hold it above the water, then it got deeper suddenly and my head went under - and I lost my eye glasses.

I was in the heart of the jungle of this valley, too late to turn back, and I kept proceeding forward for several hours until I finally reached it. The base of the waterfall!

So I went swimming and enjoyed it all! But no camera to document it because I had abandoned it to get there. However, there's a chance that some people I met may send me photos of the falls.

It was absolutely amazing and I'm seriously leaving out really good details about the adventure - saving it for my blog!

So the pics in this album seem like everything was nice and fine but I couldn't take pictures of the crazy crazy parts because i left the camera behind along the rocks.

Along the way, I met a super cute hot buck-naked golden boy from North Carolina (that's all for now, the rest in the more detailed blog to follow later) (i know right? totally random!), and three older ladies guided by a younger gal who had done this before. All the ladies lived there on the Big Island.

Afterwards, when I got back to my car (stinky and filthy) I cleaned up and rushed to Kona (2 hour drive) for what turned out to be an even better luau than the one I went to on Day 1 with my dad in Waikiki. It was really fun!

After the luau, I drove back to Hilo via the Southern route which took 2 1/2 hours. I was exhausted but it was an amazing adventurous day!

First time experiences:
-First time viewing Waipi'o Valley
-First time hiking through a hawaiian jungle
-First time running into a super cute hot buck-naked golden boy while hiking through a jungle
-First time skinny dipping!
-First time standing/swimming at the base of a waterfall surrounded by 2000 foot walls
-First time completely driving all the way around the Big Island

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 5

I left Oahu and island hopped over to the Big Island which is actually called Hawai'i. (Honolulu is the capital of the state but is on the island of Oahu).

When I arrived to my terminal at the airport, I was pleased to see a large crowd around some passengers playing the ukulele and entertaining everyone. Two couples were dancing to the music too. Then this older lady stood up and started doing the hula. It was all pretty random but cool!

When I arrived in Hilo, it was raining. Apparently, the Big Island has 11 different climates throughout the island. I got a rental car and found my way to my hostel called Arnott's Lodge & Hiking Adventures. hehe, funny name but by far THE BEST hostel I've ever stayed at. It was clean, had decent beds, various dormitories each with separate rooms that had two sets of bunk beds, free wi-fi, laundry, dvd theatre center, and many more amenities.

At the hostel, I met these two guys from Switzerland. (Yes, they were cute too! If you've been reading up on my past days, you'll notice that I keep meeting some really cute guys. Dunno! But no complaints here!) Anyway, the two are buddies traveling together - they've been friends all their lives and their families even hang out. They both are now at separate universities and so decided to vacation together to spend time. I was like....awwwww!

The hostel was leading a tour to Mauna Kea and so I went along. It was an all day thing because it took time to drive out there, then trek up the 13,796 feet elevation, and by the time we got to the summit we caught the sunset, then had a time of star gazing. It is AMAZING up there! There are numerous astronomical observatories from all around the world at the summit because Mauna Kea is a prime spot to study (and in our case gaze at) the stars and constellations.

For the first time, I saw the band of our Milky Way galaxy. This was also my first time making the trip to Mauna Kea and hiking to the summit. At that elevation, the air is very thin so it's common to be lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseated. But even feeling those things too, I still was able to make the hike to the summit! woo hoo!

I was impressed by how much the hostel's tour guide knew about stars and astronomical facts and current events. We spent some time looking up at the stars and he pointed out the constellations in view for us. He also gave us a history of islander naval navigation using the stars as they traveled around to other islands (Samoa, Figi, Tahiti, etc.) in their canoes.

I also met a man from Orange County and a man from Brazil. Cool guys.

It was a fun first day on the Big Island and seeing the views from atop Mauna Kea was a great start. =)

First time experiences:
-First time staying at a hostel in Hilo on the Big Island of Hawai'i
-First time at Mauna Kea and hiking to its summit
-First time being at 13,796 feet elevation
-First time seeing the Milky Way galaxy

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 4

My last day at the North Shore was spent geocaching!

I first navigated my way to where I had been snorkeling the day before and found an easy "cache & dash" near a power line. It was in a black plastic cylinder casing. I logged my name and moved on.

I decided to take a quick break to see what the Hawaiian Sea Turtles were up to so I went back to their beach and saw about 7-8 of them near the shore swimming around and feeding.

I navigated my way to the next geocache which took me a good 45 minutes to find. It was just outside the entrance to Waimea Valley and there was a cool duck that decided to be my geocaching buddy. He kept following me around as I roamed back and forth trying to find the proper coordinates. I finally found the cache in a small cave-like cubby hole surrounded by plants and greenery. There were a few cool things that people left behind - keychains and such. I left behind a Catalyst flyer, logged my name, and moved on.

The third cache of the day took me on about a half mile hike along the Bay. This one was very difficult to find! It's considered a micro cache which means it's really small. I even enlisted the help of a cool couple that I met and talked with that lived there on the island. He had heard of geocaching and had never really done it before so he was happy to join in the hunt. Actually he was the one who found it! After about an hour of hunting around for this thing (and also pissing off a homeless guy trying to get his post lunch nap in) we found the cache in a small black 35mm film case. We both logged our names in and I'm sure he's now hooked on geocaching!

I hiked back to my car and took a drive around the perimeter of the island clockwise - saw the rest of the North Shore, then followed Kamehameha Hwy down the east shore of Oahu.

Then I went to go find a well known lookout called Nu'uanu Pali lookout. This was the site of King Kamehameha's victory on Oahu against the warriors of Maui. An estimated 400 warriors died in the battle. This lookout was where the men were forced off the cliff! Talk about craziness! This final battle at Nu'uanu Pali on Oahu led to Kamehameha's victory of becoming King over all the Hawaiian Islands. It's funny how history really is written by the victors.... it's said that he wanted to unite the islands because all the tribes and islands were separate. I'm sure it wasn't because he wanted to be king of all. Hmm..... no disrespect though. Hawaiians have a proud history about it all and in the end, a united Island nation made the people stronger - especially when the Europeans, Westerners and other Island tribes (Tahiti, Samoa, etc.) negotiated trade.

Nevertheless, it's an amazing lookout!

After my trek around the island and overlooking it, I went back to Waikiki to have dinner with my dad and some of his friends. It was really cool meeting them and seeing how they all interacted. Wow, I hung out with my dad's gay friends today!

First time experiences:
-First time completely driving all the way around Oahu
-First time visiting the Nu'uanu Pali lookout
-First time having dinner with my dad's gay friends

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 3

This was a full day at the North Shore!

I was staying at a hostel called Backpackers Inn and I stayed at a place called Plantation Village that was across the street from the Pupukea Beach! I met lots of really cool people at this hostel, particularly a guy on vacation from the Army currently serving in Iraq (and returning there for two more months), a lady from Cambridge, England who had quit her job to travel the world for several months, and also a guy from Switzerland who happened to be doing the same thing - quit his job to travel.

I met this really cute guy from Colorado who is literally on a personal journey and going where ever in the world his nose takes him. He was a resident at the hostel two months ago then decided to work for the hostel. We had a really awesome conversation about "the journey". He's got a lot going on inside of him and I think I catalyzed some good ideas in him. He was processing quite a bit. He's at a fragile place right now because he's met some not so nice people along the way while also dealing with whatever he's running away from. I hope we'll be able to stay in touch along his nomadic journey throughout the world. My heart really goes out for this guy!

So I started this day having breakfast at this really cool pancake house that turns into a sports bar at night. Good stuff!

Then I went Shark Diving. OMG! It was AMAZING! Actual time in the cage was about 20 minutes and there were 20-30 sharks swimming all around! I met a cool family from Portland, Oregon and I also met these two cute gals vacationing from Scotland.

Afterwards, I went hunting for Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles. Well not really hunting. They go to one particular beach to feed then surf onto the shore to bask in the sun for warmer temp. I met this (cute) guy from Toronto, CA and his girlfriend who were on vacation. Very friendly!

Then I went to Shark's Cove to go snorkeling for the first time! Soooo much fun! I met a cool filipino family from the San Francisco Bay area that go here twice every year. Super friendly folks!

I decided to do some geocaching and so the GPS coordinates took me to a Hawaiian sacred place called Pu'u o mahuka Heiau. A "heiau" is kinda like an altar. At this site, there were actually human sacrifices that took place here. Away from the altar but along a trail, I eventually found the geocache which also included a "travel bug" - that's something that travels from cache to cache. This one was an "anytown, usa" journal and so its entries are full of cities and descriptions of where's it's been found and taken to. I'll be taking this one back to my hometown of Long Beach and i'll stash it in a geocache here to be found by some other geocaching traveler!

By evening, I met up with a new friend (friend of my ate Jayson's) for dinner in Waikiki - which is on the South Shore (about an hour's drive from the North Shore). He took me to this Japanese restaurant where they had this hilarious conveyor belt system that had newly prepared sushi and various dishes set on it to go to customers. It was funny! You just pick out whatever you liked!

After dinner, we danced the night away at this club called "Hulas". It was a loooong drive back to the North Shore late at night but it was a super fun day!

First time experiences:
-First time shark diving
-First time seeing a Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle up close
-First time snorkeling
-First time geocaching on Oahu
-First time at a human sacrifice altar
-First time eating sushi off a conveyor belt
-First time dancing at a club in Hawaii

Check out photos of the day here!

I've got videos from shark diving and snorkeling posted at Facebook so check them out there. If you're not on Facebook yet, get on there and add me as a friend so that you can see all my photo albums and more! I've been posting more stuff on Facebook regularly as compared to this blog so find your way over there. If you've got it and haven't done so, you're welcome to send in a Friend request! =) My profile is here.

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 2

After spending day 1 with my dad, I got a car rental and ventured off on my own for the rest of my vacation. So I had lunch at a sweet restaurant that overlooked the beach. I had a hawaiian pizza, no less, and enjoyed the fun and the sun!

Then I went to the spa at the very top floor of a hotel - the penthouse - and got my second deep tissue massage of the trip! It was amazing! They had me wear a robe and slippers while serving me green tea flavored water. After lounging for a bit, they escort me upstairs into a private room with the massage therapist. I got an 80 minute massage that was amazing! Afterwards, they brought me more green tea water and then had me lounge on the outside penthouse patio in the sun and breeze while looking out into the ocean. Wow!

When I had thoroughly relaxed, I went downstairs and took a long shower in the most amazing shower anyone has EVER invented. It had it's various shower head settings, but also had shower spouts all throughout the walls of the shower and so it was like a full-on water fest! Fun times!

Once I cleaned up, I took a stroll through the International Market Place which was just a bunch of vendors and kiosks and stuff. I met this really cool (cute) guy from Poland. (Sorry no pics for you!)

Then I found my way to Diamond Head crater. It was a good hike to the top and there was an amazing view! I also met another (cute) guy from Denmark. Cool guy. He'll be studying on the island for four months.

I took a leisurely drive around waikiki while the rain showered off and on. It was kinda nice actually.

Then i drove up to the North Shore and found the hostel that I'll be staying at for the next couple days. There was a dinner BBQ so all the residents from all the cabins were together. I got to meet some cool folks from Venezuela, England, Brazil, Italy, and some locals. Yes, cuties here too!

Tomorrow is gonna be a fun day in the North Shore!

First time experiences:
-First time at a full service spa (in Hawaii, no less!)
-First time driving on my own in Hawaii
-First time hiking up to Diamond Head crater
-First time at the North Shore

Check out photos of the day here!

Hawaiian Adventures - Day 1

I left for my Hawaiian vacation on Tuesday and had a 12 hour layover in the opposite direction! I went from Los Angeles to Dallas/Fort Worth and stayed there at the airport from midnight until noon the next day. I didn't get ANY sleep at all at the airport, however, I thought it was kinda fun to hang out in a quiet airport all night. Haha, fun? Well, okay so I prefer to see the brighter side to things and make fun out of ugh! Hey, I'm on vaca! No sour grapes allowed!

I arrived in Honolulu after about a 7 1/2 hour flight, and was met by my dad at the airport who gave me a wood beaded lei - something men traditionally receive. We took the bus back to his place in Waikiki and he made me dinner. The plan was to go out and walk around through Waikiki but I fell asleep and didn't wake up til morning!

My first full day and a half visiting the islands was spent with my dad. He lives out here and it was his birthday so it was fun hanging out with him. We went to the Arizona Memorial together. That afternoon, I got a massage. Then that evening my dad and I went to a luau!

Afterwards, he took me to two of his local gay bars that he sometimes goes to. Yep, you read that right! It was rather..... interesting to see him in these environments. The first bar was pretty dead and so I just ended up talking with one of his friends at the bar and also talking with the bartender (who kept giving me sample drinks). I was pretty buzzed by the time we went around to the second bar which had a lot more activity. It was kinda weird seeing him watch strippers. OMG! Actually, I had a moment of freaking out. But after texting a friend or two and a mai tai I was fine.

First time experiences:
-First time at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport
-First time having a 12 hour layover and spending the night at an airport
-First time seeing my dad's condo apartment in Waikiki
-First time getting a massage in Hawaii
-First time going to a luau in Hawaii
-First time having a drink with my dad
-First time going to a gay bar with my dad
-First time seeing my dad checking out other guys

Check out photos of the day here!

Catching Up on Old Times

Okay, maybe not "old times" as in years ago... but how about catching up from the Summer since I haven't posted a blog since mid June! It's been crazy busy! But this will give you an idea of two things: (1) why I haven't blogged lately and (2) why I seriously needed the vacation in Hawaii that I'm on right now as I write this! (I'm back dating this post though so that I can blog about the vacation.)

I'm just going to keep this brief and mention some of the things I've been juggling because I'd like to write a separate blog post for many of them. Here's the nutshell version:

I've been working on the new Catalyst Web site literally all Summer and we had a "soft-launch" of it on July 1st. I've been spending crazy hours til the wee hours of the morning trying to crank it out. So it's in beta version now and we launch a full-on campaign in September. I've also been working with the new Catalyst Board of Directors to hammer out details like our new branding and logo, direction for the organization, and developing our strategies. We have officially submitted our Federal Tax Exemption application to secure our 501c3 status and so we'll get that in a few months (hopefully!)

In the midst of all the Catalyst stuff, I've also been a part of three collaborative projects. The first project is an unnamed "Hot Zone" project but we're a "coalition of bridge builders" working to see the broader Church engage in a safe and productive dialogue regarding gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals within our community. Essentially we're trying to bring the two groups of conservative mainline pastors and the progressive inclusive pastors to the same table to talk. We've got a different approach, I think, and it's very exciting. The second project is the HIV/AIDS Collaborative of Long Beach. I've been on this core team since it started a year ago and we've been working to develop authentic community and meet the needs of those living with HIV/AIDS. The third project is with my friend Dr. Becky Kuhn who founded Global Lifeworks and they are putting on a seminar for GLBT individuals that will provide tools to help relate with self, others, and community better while overcoming many of the perceived barriers that come with being gay, in the closet, social rejection, and other relational issues. I'm going to be one of the small group leaders in this highly interactive seminar experience.

These are kind of the bedrock things I've been working on outside of my day-job. Oh yeah, the day-job! It's been crazy busy there too. I've rebuilt their Web site from scratch during the Summer while organizing logistics for the biggest event of the year.

So my typical days has been working fully during the days, then swimming or working out with my personal trainer (yep!), then either having dinner meetings or collaborative meetings or trying to relax post-work, then working on the Catalyst site until 2 or 3am before getting up for work the next day! It's been a crazy summer but it's been very exciting for me to be living out my passions. Now for a much needed vacation in Hawaii!

Committed Couples Both Gay and Straight

After the close of business today, it will now be legal for same-sex couples to marry in California. The tides are shifting and opinions are changing and hopefully by the time the November election rolls around, the majority of Californians will choose not to take away what the State Supreme Court ruled was unconstitutional to deny in the first place - the right to marry.

This is significant. Unlike many other states who did amend their constitution, Californians won't simply be voting on how we should define marriage. Rather, they'll be voting on whether or not we should take back civil rights that have already been given. No doubt, by November there will have been thousands of gay and straight couples legally married in the state. Voting for an amendment to specifically define marriage as only between a man and a woman is in essence saying "these" Californians can continue to marry but "those" Californians cannot.

Separate but equal. It's supposed to be unconstitutional. Unless of course, we just change the constitution. Now that's justice.

There will be a day when I will publicly declare my commitment to the man I love and I will claim my rights and privileges as a citizen and resident by having our relationship acknowledged by the state. No one should tell us that we should be happy with a second-class classification like domestic partnership with "similar" but not all the rights of marriage that straight citizens enjoy.

I agree that not everyone should marry (especially after today). But we should all have the right to make that choice.

As I step down from my soap box, I wanted to share with you an article from the New York Times that talks about studies comparing the relationships of both same-sex couples and also heterosexual couples. The studies reveal very interesting things about gender and marriage and relationships.

"A growing body of evidence shows that same-sex couples have a great deal to teach everyone else about marriage and relationships. Most studies show surprisingly few differences between committed gay couples and committed straight couples, but the differences that do emerge have shed light on the kinds of conflicts that can endanger heterosexual relationships . . . ."

Click here to read the article: "Gay Unions Shed Light on Gender in Marriage" (You may need to click the button to skip the Ad.)

Imagine that. Straight people can learn something from gay people.

The American Family Outing

This Father's Day weekend, several LGBT families will be visiting Saddleback Church, a local SoCal mega-church with Pastor Rick Warren, for fellowship and dialogue. It's part of "The American Family Outing" sponsored by Soulforce, the National Black Justice Coalition, COLAGE and the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches. The goal was to have LGBT families visit six influential mega-churches across the nation to help build understanding for people they may have heard or talked about but have never personally met before.

Many of you know that I'm a contributing writer for a local LGBT newsmagazine called the Blade. I recently wrote an article in this month's issue talking about "The American Family Outing". I also interviewed participant Kimrey Kotchick (pictured here with his partner Jeanie Moore). Check out my article here:

Blade - June 2008 Issue

Sure this is a controversial issue within the Church. This is what I've referred to before as "The Hot Zone" - that place where conversation about homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the unspeakable topic. The Church may disagree with itself about the issue but we should be able to have civil conversation about these things "in the light" so that being gay in the Church is no longer a taboo subject. The reality is that we are part of the Church and that we are in the congregations. We are not second-class Christians. For the sake of our friends and loved ones within our congregations that are suffering in the closet, we've got to create a safe atmosphere within our spiritual communities where people on a journey can process their thoughts with trusted friends (instead of turning to unhealthy outlets in secret). We cannot develop a healthy sexuality in secret. I believe that we need the input of our spiritual families.

While we may disagree, I think the key is being able to show hospitality towards one another. Hospitality is the tangible expression of love. Hospitality doesn't affirm or condemn the theology of those giving or receiving it. It simply expresses the love of God. As brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church, we are all called and known by our love.

That's why I'm inspired by what these families are doing through "The American Family Outing". They are simply asking these churches to allow them to worship the Lord with them and fellowship. It's an opportunity for these influential churches to extend and express hospitality. I'm taking a similar approach with the new Catalyst in that I'll be helping to connect people and families with one another to get to know each other personally. I believe that we are mutually changed through relationship.

Many LGBT families recently visited Bill Hybels and Willow Creek Community Church, a mega-church near Chicago. You can read about that visit here. While some churches have welcomed these families, other mega-churches haven't been so warm and friendly. But it's a start! The more we can help people actually meet those of us who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered, then we can help eliminate stereotypes, false assumptions, and we can stop the demonizing.

Hearts on Fire Conference

So i'm actually looking forward to going to the Hearts on Fire conference in San Francisco on July 3-6th. That's significant (for me) because I've pretty much been conferenced out the past several years. That's not to say that I haven't gone to any in recent years - just that I've gone to so many conferences - different types of conferences over the past 15 years.

I've been to Christian conferences, business conferences, amway conventions, ex-gay conferences, ex-ex-gay conferences, gay christian conferences, toastmasters conferences, work conferences, community development conferences, yadda yadda yadda. Many of them have been very good and they definitely weren't a waste of my time. Some were. Many times, I get the most out of the non-conference times - meeting people during the breaks and having refreshing conversations. It's just that I'm not the spectator type. I like to be engaged and I like to interact and I like to participate - those are the kinds of conferences I get the most out of.

There are some things, however, that I'm looking forward to for the Hearts on Fire conference . . . .

It'll be interesting for me to see a glimpse into the Lutheran culture. That kinda sounds weird but this is a Lutherans Concerned conference which means the majority of people there will be Lutherans. But ever since meeting Ross at the last GCN conference in January, I've been interested to know more about their inner workings. That's significant too because i'm pretty much an "un-structure" guy - especially when it comes to church governance. But Ross has a way of making it all sound interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing him too because I've always found him refreshing.

I'm also interested in hearing and hopefully meeting and talking with Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, the openly gay Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire. Now, i'm NOT one to be impressed and in awe of celebrity christians or conference speakers (Lord knows, I've seen enough of that at Christian conferences), it's just that I'd like to hear what he has to say and possibly talk to him about some of the Hot Zone things happening here in Long Beach. We're approaching the time when we'll start gathering pastors here to talk about the very controversial issue of gays in the Church. I wonder what it would take to get him here in Long Beach to talk with some folks? Ooh, that would flare things up in the Hot Zone all right!

I'm curious to see what kind of buzz there is in San Francisco regarding marriage equality. By then, it will have been officially legal in California and SF is a major hub for this. Hmm, I just had a thought - perhaps I can arrange to meet and video tape stories of some who got married.

I'm also looking forward to making some new friends that I can stay connected with. It looks like we're in the dorms at San Francisco University so I'm sure I'll get to meet some interesting people. It'll be good to see and hear from Kelly Fryer (of A Renewal Enterprise) again who I first saw at the GCN conference then met in Chicago this past March as she facilitated a vision-development process for GCN's leaders. I'm learning much from her for our work with the new Catalyst.

I'm particularly approaching this conference with the hope of speaking with and hearing from the Lord regarding our own relationship with each other. I'm looking forward to a refreshing time!

If anyone is at all interested in the conference, they may be able to squeeze a few more people in to register. You might be able to inquire about day-passes or if they had cancellations.

So anyway, i'm sure it'll be a good time.

Team Global Lifeworks at AIDS Walk LB

I'll admit that I get kinda worried every time my friend tells me he can't go out because his new HIV meds is making him feel like crap. He says that the old stuff he took before was fine but these new meds has terrible side effects. He's lived with HIV for well over 15 years so a part of me figures I shouldn't worry. But he's my friend and I hate that he has to feel this way.

While representing Catalyst, I've been part of an HIV/AIDS Collaborative for the past 10 months with my friends at Global Lifeworks and Kingdom Causes (my 1st baby, the org I co-founded in 2002), along with some friends from churches and also the Long Beach Public Health Department. We've articulated our collaborative vision and purpose here:

"We are a mutually supportive community that cultivates authentic relationships while meeting the needs of individuals."

It's very exciting because we spent months building trust with one another, then strategizing and organizing together. Our approach is unique because rather than duplicating existing programs, we are equalizing the community by creating a context where everyone helps everyone as part of the same collaborative community. Plans are still in the works so stay tuned!

So right now, it's still premature for either of the projects I'm working on - Catalyst Community (my 2nd baby) or the HIV/AIDS Collaborative - to do anything formally and publicly. Catalyst will launch in July (stay tuned!) and the Collaborative is still in the planning phases. But in the mean time, the AIDS Walk Long Beach is coming up on June 21st and we all wanted to make sure that we were involved in some way. According to their Web site, "over 50% of all new HIV infection occur with our youth ages 15 to 24. 25% of those don't even know they are infected with HIV. Long Beach ranks #2 in the entire state of California."

AIDS Walk Long Beach is raising money and awareness to support the efforts of the Long Beach AIDS Foundation as well as a number of other local service and education organizations.

So me and the Catalyst core team decided to join our friends at Global Lifeworks on their AIDS Walk team. I'm signed up for the 5K run and my personal goal is to raise $500 as part of our collective team goal of raising $1,500. You know what that means, right?

Yep, I want you to please support me, Global Lifeworks, and the AIDS Walk Long Beach! Let's do this together!

To make a donation, it's really easy. Just go to my fundraising page here:

http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb08/ELeocad1

You can also check out our Team Global Lifeworks page here:

http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb08/globallifeworks

Thank you so much for partnering with me in this!

Stories That Change The World

I feel pregnant. I'm bursting at the seams and I'm ready to give birth - again. I say 'again' because this isn't the first time. When you've got a vision and you're seeing it become a reality, you can't help but feel like it's your baby. And once it's born, you just want to see it grow up. In a month's time, we'll be relaunching my second baby, an organization born-again from it's initial coming out two years ago, with new vision, direction, and look - Catalyst Community.

I think part of our journey of reconciling our faith and sexuality is finding our voice. Because part of living in the tension of colliding worlds is the frustration of feeling silenced. At some point there comes a time to tell our story. I'm not saying it has to be completely public where you start a blog *ahem* or Web site or you write a book or you record your story on YouTube. Some times, it's just telling your story to a trusted friend or a family member - a loved one. But ultimately, the journey leads to becoming known because no one really knew us when we were in the closet. The journey leads to authenticity - of who we are, of who we are to God.

If we are so willing, God can use our authenticity for the sake of His Kingdom and the broader community - people He loves dearly. Sometimes I feel like my journey started off self-focussed. I was always working on "me". But now that I know that God loves me, I realize that it's not about "me". Working on "me" was necessary so that I could get to a point of realizing that it's more about God and others. And for me, that takes the form of a vision for a community sensitive to authenticity and empathy. You'll hear more about the new Catalyst in later posts.

There are people like us who will hear our story and be changed themselves. If enough of us tell our story, I believe the community can be changed . . . .

I think of friends like Peterson Toscano who retired his play "Doin' Time in the Homo Nomo Halfway House" where he creatively shares his experiences in reparative therapy and ex-gay programs and is now pioneering efforts to help others tell their stories through one of his babies Beyond Ex-Gay. "Doin' Time" is now available on DVD (which I've already purchased, go buy it!). Peterson now performs a number of other plays that help educate and inspire diverse audiences.

I think of friends like Justin Lee who came to reconcile his faith and sexuality, then started a Web site called Justin's World to help others who were wrestling with being gay and Christian. He eventually started Gay Christian Network and now has well over 8,000 members nurturing people on their own personal journeys, people growing a vibrant faith, and connecting with churches throughout communities all around the world.

I also think of friends like Andrew Marin who courageously confronted his own prejudices against gay people, moved to Boys Town in Chicago with his new wife, immersed himself in gay culture, and learned to love beyond the "issue". Andrew reconciled his journey of being a straight evangelical who also has friends and loved ones who are gay. Andrew started The Marin Foundation to help build bridges between the mainstream faith communities and the GLBT communities. He's now writing a book that will help catalyze the conversation within the Church.

I think of my mother who finally told her sister that she has a gay son. Remember in this previous post when I asked my mom to tell my aunt? She did it. She came out as a parent of a gay son. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday because she wants me to buy a house and she ended our phone conversation with 'I love you'. That was HUGE to me because that was the first time EVER that she had initiated that statement to me. I never doubted that she loves me. But that was the first time she said it first. I spoke with her today and she told me that she did tell my aunt that I'm gay. My aunt is okay with it. And my mom is okay with her knowing. [On a side note: my mom told me that one of my uncles (her cousin) was gay-bashed and murdered two years ago when he was visiting the Philippines. Omg. My mom also happened to be visiting in a different city and was informed of his death. She was able to attend the funeral. My mom and aunt knew that their cousin was gay. He just stayed in the closet and married a woman. He died not knowing that my mom and aunt already knew and that if he would have came out to them, they would have accepted him.] It's not like my mom is going to start some organization or start a chapter of PFLAG. She doesn't have to. But she's telling her story and it's changing our family.

I also think of the many many bloggers out there who are telling their stories. For the third year in a row, numerous people will be "Blogging for LGBT Families".

I believe that stories transcend dogma and stereotypes. Stories make an issue personal. Stories catalyze relationships that eventually change the world.

In a previous post, I mentioned that my approach is to being a catalyst over being an activist. My friend and TWC reader Steve asked in a comment what the difference is between the two. In a nutshell, I'd say that (in my own personal view) a catalyst initiates and inspires others towards a direction or cause. The catalyst sparks movement while eventually handing over the microphone (or keyboard) to those who accept ownership. An activist champions the cause and sees it to fulfillment. I'd say that sometimes a catalyst becomes an activist or even that some activists act catalytically, but in a world changing movement I tend to think that we need both.

One of my favorite books is "The Starfish and the Spider" by Ori Brafman and Rod A. Beckstrom. The book resonated with me because it affirmed my own approach towards community development and my preferences for organizational structure by giving terminology and vocabulary that described my unconventional style. The book talks about how decentralized organizations are like an unstoppable movement - giving the power to the people to shape and define and facilitate and enforce their cause. A starfish is an organism that replicates when parts are severed. A spider is an organism that struggles when legs are severed and dies when the head is cut off.

Starfish entities like peer-to-peer networks and music/file-sharing swappers, users of Craigslist and MySpace and Facebook, the collaboration of Apache engineers, the Native American Apache nation, the contributors of Wikipedia, Alcoholics Anonymous, and even al-qaeda are all difficult to contain because there is no specific head. Sub-communities function independently and taking one group out only inspires the creation of two new groups to replace what was lost.

Spider entities like traditional corporations, religious institutions, and governments are massive but instituting change within can be slow. Removing the head can cause confusion (just ask the chicken) and ultimately results in a fall unless the head is replaced.

The book contends that a Spider is ultimately no match for a Starfish unless the Spider becomes more of a hybrid - takes on Starfish-like qualities. In order to take out a cell, you need to attack with a cell. On the other hand, if you want to catalyze change within the State or the Church - then you've got to do it from the ground up and start a movement among the people. You can't stop people from telling their own personal stories.

The book also describes key elements to a Starfish - five legs:

Leg 1: Circles - smaller units of people that are independent and autonomous.
Leg 2: Catalyst - the visionary, the vision holder, the one who inspires.
Leg 3: Ideology - common vision or beliefs or values
Leg 4: The Preexisting Network - various conglomerations of connecting circles
Leg 5: The Champion - the relentless promoter

All five legs working together can lead to world changing movements like the fights for Civil Rights and Womens' Suffrage and Marriage Equality.

I can go on and on about this stuff! I've even led a workshop called "Catalyzing Tangible Community in Your Local Area" using many of these concepts. If you want to continue a dialogue on this, please definitely contact me! (See top left column)

[Another side note: I was honored to have been given an advance copy of Ori Brafman's newest book (co-authored with his brother Rom Brafman), "SWAY: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior", now available today! I've already started reading it and it's awesome! You'll probably see me write more about it as I'll no doubt be processing much of the things they write about.]

So anyway, back on topic - these are the kinds of approaches I take in being a lifestyle catalyst to hopefully inspire change and growth and progress in my various communities, groups and social circles. These are also my approaches towards developing the new Catalyst as a somewhat hybrid organization - a community that is shaped by its members. Stay tuned!

Catalyst is just my way of telling my story and encouraging others to tell theirs. Find a way to tell your story to help others. As we all find ways of telling our stories, whether publicly and loudly or privately individually, we are all being catalytic. Our stories reshape people's view of who we are because they finally have an opportunity to see who we really are. When we are silent and hidden, people have no other frame of reference except for the voices of those talking about us. If I don't tell my own authentic story, then someone else will tell it and fill in their own blanks. I (almost) can't blame someone for attaching a stereotype or assumptions to their view of who I am.

We need to find ways of living authentically so that our accurate stories can be told. Then people can begin to empathize and relate with us as fellow members of the community.

We're Better Off Without You

Last week, the California Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality. “Separate but equal” is not constitutional. Yesterday, according to an article from the Associated Press, a federal appeals court took another step forward ruling that the military can’t automatically discharge people because they are gay.

It wasn’t a ruling against the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy requiring the discharge of service men and women who acknowledge being gay or engage in homosexual activity. However, the court placed the burden on the military saying that they must prove that the “dismissal furthers the military’s goals of troop readiness and unit cohesion”. The article added that military officials “need to prove that having this particular gay person in the unit really hurts morale, and the only way to improve morale is to discharge this person.” It sounds to me that this will require justification for every application of the policy.

Yes, because this person is gay and in our presence, none of us can do our jobs. None of us are safe!

Um yeah, prove that. We’ll see how long that will last before someone up there figures out that this policy doesn’t make sense, is unjust, and/or these court cases challenging dismissals due to the policy are costing a lot of money. It’s been suggested in the article that because of this court ruling, the days of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” are numbered.

Read the article here: "Federal Court Rules Against Military Gays Policy"

It's interesting how sometimes we'll sacrifice truly valuable members of our family, organization, community, or society for the sake of other people's discomfort. We'll be willing to release them from communion in order to preserve The Communion. I don't think injustice to preserve justice makes any sense to me . . . .

I'm not simply talking about asking a disruptive voice to leave the room. I'm talking about ejecting someone from fellowship or service for the sake of morale citing race, gender, or orientation as the cause for diminishing morale.

In 1995-ish, I was part of a co-ed fraternity. I joined this fraternity with a close friend of mine. Actually, she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. At the time we had realized that “it wasn’t working” and our break up led to the development of a pretty strong friendship. So when we got to college joining the co-ed frat was something we could do together. We learned about fraternal bonds of friendship and we got to participate in community service and we got to exhibit leadership and we were both viewed as assets to our fraternal community. Then she began a personal journey of her own and started dating a female to male transgendered person “in transition” (taking hormones and had plans for surgery).

This whole thing was new to everyone and the reaction and responses weren’t something to be proud about. I liked the person my friend started dating. I had never met someone like “him” before and I learned a ton. We became friends and it was my first exposure to the GLBT world. My friend had never experienced those feelings before and at the time she viewed it as a heterosexual relationship, albeit different and unconventional. Our fraternity brothers and sisters had never experienced this before and so the conversation during the official business meeting was about what to do about our “lesbian” sister. Emotions got pretty heated and people took divided stances on this “issue.” But since I was in the closet and Side X, I stayed silent. Neutral.

But I should have spoken up for my friend regardless of the position I took on the issue for myself. I can choose to be Side X for myself but that doesn’t mean my friend should be denied the right to make her own choices or that she should be disrespected for the choices she made. Being in the closet, I was pretty confused about the situation. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself or the dark secret that I held – especially after seeing which of my fraternity brothers and sisters would not have been supportive. It hit way too close to home for me and I needed to stay invisible.

My silence wasn’t my neutrality. By not speaking up in defense of my friend and fraternity sister, I catered to my own discomfort and I catered to the discomfort of my fraternity brothers and sisters. We were having a discussion that shouldn’t have taken place in the first place – that is, to consider disowning someone from our fraternal family because some were uncomfortable about whom she chose to date.

Who cares if they felt uncomfortable? What about her discomfort with being judged? Why was she dismissed so easily for the sake of the majority?

I can see that my journey didn’t begin in 2005 when I chose to try reconciling my faith and sexuality. I was on my journey, even back then 10 years prior, when I was seeing firsthand the injustice towards the marginalized. I’m ashamed that I participated in it.

The sad part to our journeys and stories that I wish the mainstream would begin to empathize with is that many of us have little options but to live a life in the closet, in secret and in hiding out of fear of being rejected only to be proven right when we’re released, dismissed or discharged from communion or service when the news is “out”.

What we hear is: “We’re better off without you.”

Tear.

Proposals and Conversations and Rulings, Oh My!

I was speaking to my mom this past Sunday (Mother's Day) about getting married (some day). Like she often does, she talked about me finding a good filipino woman. I proceeded to tell my mom very casually, as I often do (in recent years), "Mama, I'm not going to marry a woman. I'm going to marry a man."

The conversation typically cycles through whether or not I'm sure and the fact that I can "arrange" to marry a woman from the Philippines (as if I couldn't find and marry a woman on my own! jeesh! =P ). But this time I told her that I don't want to do that because I want to be happy. I'm not going to be happy marrying a woman and besides the fact that it's not fair for her. Plus, I don't want to bring someone else into "our family" who I don't even care about (referring to some random filipino gal). I told her that the person I bring into "our family" is going to be someone I love and care about. It's going to mean something when he's part of "our family".

Then to seal the deal, I told her, "Well, when did you find out that Papa was gay? Wouldn't you have wanted to know? I don't want to do that. I want to be happy."

She couldn't argue with that. In fact, she seemed to receive it in a way that was a bit different - as if she was shifting from the denial and accepting the truth about her son . . . .

I told my mom and the rest of my siblings in November 2001 that I was struggling with same-sex attractions then on Christmas 2005 that I was no longer "struggling" and that I've found peace with God regarding me being gay. Since then my mom has been in the closet (we switched) about having a gay son, saying that she didn't want her sister (my aunt) to know about me.

During the conversation this past Sunday with my mom, I concluded with asking her to tell my aunt. The family had gathered at my aunt's place and so less than an hour upon my arrival I was bombarded with the usual interrogation from my aunt. You know, the "Sooooooo, when are you going to get married?" *insert high pitched inflection at the end with a filipino accent*

So I told my mom, "you've gotta tell her." I took the opportunity to tell my mom that I just want to be real and myself when I'm with the family. Plus I want her to be able to think of me - the normal and gay, sweet and good nephew that she loves - when she thinks of gay people. If she doesn't know, then she'll continue believing her stereotypes.

I hope my mom tells her sister about me. That would be a step forward for her. She said she would later in the day after I left. I'm proud of her though. She's been through a lot. Remember "my parent's before the divorce"?

I know that I'm very fortunate to have a family so loving and accepting of me. I'm proud of them!

I've also been proud of my city - Long Beach, CA - this place in which I live. Last September, in "One Man's Change of Heart" I made reference to how my own city council unanimously passed a resolution in support of marriage equality. It was amazing at the time because there had been two or three previous failed attempts to pass such a resolution in the city council. Here we are a city with an estimated 80,000 GLBT residents (according to census) , 20% of our city population, and it was still controversial. But then something shifted and the council at the time passed it unanimously. They took a step forward.

And now today, I'm sure you've heard the news and the buzz - the California Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to deny same sex couples the right - the freedom - to marry.

Article from CNN
Article from LA Times

CNN Report (video)
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome Speech (video)
Mayor Newsome Interview (video)

The pursuit for marriage equality isn't over as I'm sure opposing forces are mobilizing for a State Constitutional Amendment banning same sex marriage on the November ballot. Who knows how this drama will continue to unfold. My prayer is that justice will prevail.

It's not about politics for me. It's about justice. I'm not about to get die-hard political activist-y right now (since my approach is to be a catalyst over being an activist) but it just seems clear to me that we ought to support an individual's rights as a fellow citizen - not deny certain rights because of the kind of citizen they are. I know people have varying views about civil unions and domestic partnerships and stuff and how those have "some or most" of the civil rights, obligations, and responsibilities as marriages do, but "marriage-like" rights aren't the same as having the same rights of marriage.

Didn't some other high court in U.S. history rule regarding another hot topic at the time that "separate but equal" was unconstitutional?

I'm just saying.

Our civilization continues to take steps forward. I take steps forward. My mom takes steps forward. My family takes steps forward. My community and my city takes steps forward. My state is and is trying to take steps forward.

But at the end of the day, whether or not certain types of relationships should be deemed legal and allowable or not, I think we ought to focus on the fact that these are people who are in relationships and want to honor them. Whether gay or straight, our community needs healthy relationships. Those who are currently in long-term committed relationships set an example for those of us who barely know how to stay in a relationship (much less get into one!).

I have no doubt that one day I will have the right to marry. So how do I stay married?

Hiding Behind An Alias

I decided to take another step out of hiding. It took nearly a week but it was finally approved. It had been years since I first started using the alias. I was discovering the Internet and began to present myself with the name. Funny thing about the Web . . . . it's easy to be anonymous and even easier to wear a mask. It's a two-dimensional thing, this computer screen and peripherals - and as connected as people can be online, each individual can choose just how connected they want to be. Or rather, you can choose just how much you want people to connect with you.

So after years of keeping the alias "Johnson" for a last name, I decided last week to update my name on Facebook. I am now . . . . Eric Leocadio. Yes, that's me. No, the alias isn't referencing a body part. Why I chose to adopt that last name is another story for another time . . . perhaps over a drink if someone really wants to know. =P

However, keeping the alias began more for anonymity. I could be a different person . . . .

It's not that I had shady intentions, just that it kept me at a safe distance. It was safe not being known. Being in the closet, that's what I wanted. However, prolonged time in the closet takes its toll. Eventually, that safe place of anonymity became a hiding place. The closet was a place where no one could find me. I didn't want to be found. When I lived dualistically, I could craft exactly how I wanted people to see me - the straight over-achieving more mature for his age charming sensitive smart faithful godly guy. Since my world was immersed in church culture, it wasn't safe for me to sort out what it meant to be gay. Ironically and sadly, the church wasn't a refuge for me. In fact, in many ways it was an emotionally painful environment. In my opinion, we ought to be able to be safe to understand our sexuality with our spiritual community, trusted friends and mentors. Not having that safe place, both the closet and the Internet were my escape. Porn was an outlet.

As God continued to guide my journey, He proved to be the safest place for me (despite the church culture). With my Lord, I could be myself because I knew He already knew everything about me. And the more we grew in this interactive relationship with each other, the more I learn what it means to be a gay man. I'm not learning this from the gay community and I am most definitely not learning this from the church community nor am I learning it from the Internet and many of its unhealthy outlets.

I have been learning what it means to be a gay man from the Lord. *dodges the stones being hurled because of such blasphemy*

What I mean is that the Lord is teaching me what unconditional love looks like. I know He already knows me completely. And yet His love is offered, accepted, and experienced despite the things about me that both He and I know. And so, being given the freedom to not only approach the Lord authentically but also to remain in His presence authentically, I am allowed to begin a process of loving myself the way that my Lord does. Yeah, I know I don't always do that. But this interactive relationship with the Lord keeps reminding me of that ongoing lesson.

So what does it mean for me to be gay, Lord?

Here's the thing . . . . as a gay man, it's not about sex and it's not about men and it's not about sexuality and it's not about gender. For me, the Lord has granted me a lens for which to see the world that He loves. As a gay man, I understand prejudice. I understand insecurity. I understand vanity. I understand suffering. I understand being misunderstood. I understand the desire to give up and attempt death prematurely. I understand the need for intimacy in a broader culture that defines it by gender or holiness or unholiness. I understand the gray areas. I understand the hot zone.

It is because I am a gay man that I can empathize. But the catalyst for my empathy for others is my own authenticity. Because as long as I remain in the closet, in one way or another, whether online with an alias or at work or in church or among family and friends, I remain detached, disconnected, separated and unknown - unable to fully love others in the context of their journey, struggle and experiences because, being in the closet, I was unable to fully love myself in the context of my journey - being gay, being non-white, being un-super-modelish. Who could love the real me? Not me. And so I hid. My loved ones were denied the opportunity to really empathize because I wasn't even presenting the real me. So what was there to empathize with?

As I often say, coming out isn't about expressing myself as gay but rather expressing myself as Eric. Eric Leocadio. Because as I learn to love me the way He loves me, with all of my imperfections and HUGE mistakes of the past (present and future too) and forgiving myself the way He has already forgiven me, He shows me how to love past what we see or judge from the surface. He shows me how to experience empathy for others through my own authenticity. He shows me how to love.

The blessing of being gay, authentically, is the lens in which I have to see the world.

This doesn't mean I have 20/20 vision. Since I tread the path of my journey for the rest of my life, I am learning still how not to hide. I hid for so many years - it's a familiar habit, one that can be a default mode when my "issues" resurface.

But when I am hiding from Him, the mirror, the world, that's when the Lord approaches me, when He comes and finds me. And as I allow Him to love me as I am, He prompts me to come out, step into the light, so that I may be exposed and loved.

Happy Bonzai Birthday Buddy!

Today I celebrated my buddy's birthday! His bf organized a surprise party for him tonight and it was fun seeing him laugh so much with all his girlfriends from work. I chose to honor our friendship this year with the gift of a bonzai tree. It's significant because he is always examining his character so that he may better himself and grow as a person. I respect the way he cares for his mind, body and spirit, and so I thought that the bonzai is an awesome representation of who he is - always pruning, always sculpting, always exemplifying art and beauty.

I've mentioned my buddy numerous times before here on TWC. He is someone who constantly inspires me towards growth and authenticity. We've been friends for almost 3 years and room mates for the past 2 years almost. At times, it seems we live very independent lives as we both do our own thing and our paths cross in the apartment occasionally. We both work; he's at the tail end of finishing his master's degree; I'm always working on the Catalyst website; he spends quality time with his bf; i'm often out having coffee/lunch/dinner meetings with people. But even as busy as it gets, we do get to connect and catch up and we have awesome and many times meaningful conversations. Our friendship is refreshing because we both have some kind of passion that we each strive to live out in our lives. He is a catalyst in my life and I thank God for his friendship.

Happy Birthday buddy!