It's been roughly nine months (about two weeks shy) of when I started this blog recording my journey of figuring out what it means to be gay and Christian.
Five years ago, I would have bucked the idea of such blasphemy. Four years ago, God led me to confronting the conflict within me. Two years ago, God began to break my heart for "the" gay community. One year ago, God began to break my heart for "my" gay community. Nine months ago, God conceived in me a vision - a realization that He was working amidst this gay community and that I was a part of it.
This week, it seems i've begun that labor process of birthing a new vision. In a season of transitions, I'm about to enter a new chapter of my life. Today, March 31st, is the official last day of being employed by my public ministry - that non-profit organization that I co-founded (my first baby). Tomorrow, April 1st, is the official incorporation day of Catalyst - my new public and "out" non-profit organization (my second baby) that I am founding to specifically work within our gay community here in Long Beach.
My week-long labor has included a number of contractions . . . .
For starters, there's the submission of an application for an apartment for my buddy and I. I am currently paying $1,330 rent for a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment. We found a two bedroom/two bathroom apartment with washer/dryer included, balcony, and gated garage parking for only $1,100 rent. Between the two of us, that will cut this expense in half for me. Two days ago, our application was approved! We can start the move-in in about two weeks. Tomorrow, i'll be submitting my 30-day notice to terminate my rental lease early.
Since i'll be leaving my job, I really don't know when i'll have health insurance again. This week, I wrote the letter to our insurance to terminate my health plan at the end of March. I never really used my benefits while I had it (except for my vision plan so that i could get new glasses last year). I suppose I took it for granted. I figured that I should at least get a medical check up before I leave. So last week, I saw a doctor and had some blood work done. My main concern was my blood sugar. For the past five years, i noticed that every once in a while (usually when hungry) i would get sweaty palms, dizziness, slight tremors in my right hand, and sometimes get close to blacking out. It wouldn't happen all the time. Just when I was hungry. Usually eating something sweet seems to stabilize me so I kinda figured that maybe it was an issue with my blood sugar. Yesterday, I saw the doctor again and my lab results showed no problems. It seems that i'm pretty healthy actually. It's no big surprise - I've been working out regularly and eating better over the past year, i've lost 25-30 pounds since January 2005 and have maintained it since, my blood pressure is great, and it appears that my blood sugar is normal. Another no big surprise - i'm HIV negative. (I wasn't worried about that, it's just good to get another baseline).
So why the tremors in my hand? He thinks that maybe it's anxiety. Ya think?
Yesterday, I also went to the last meeting of the planning team for that group that hosted that conference this last January. That was a significant season for me because we went through some fire together - conflicts with each other, conflicts that the Church is dealing with. There were times that were personally challenging for me. There was that time that I was "profoundly offended". There was that time that I wanted to vomit. Then there was the actual conference event. After the event, none of us on the planning team wanted to talk about any of it again. We were too exhausted and it took so much out of all of us. Now, two months after the event, we got together again to debrief and close the door on that whole thing. We resolved yesterday that while we may or may not do the same kind of event again in that same way, we will, however, continue to work for the good of the Kingdom in each of our own ways - in the ways that God has called us - and will maintain connections with each other. Needless to say, it was good to have closure on all of that.
Another huge contraction was beginning the process of incorporating Catalyst. I went to the county clerk's office to file for my fictitious business name statement. It seems that "Catalyst" is a business name that's already taken so our official name is actually "Catalyst Long Beach". It's okay - "Catalyst" for short will do just fine. So I filed the paperwork and got it published in a local newspaper for the next four weeks as required. Now that I have the official name set, I could then file to get a tax-id number for non-profit status. This is important so that I can accept donations and grants for funding. I got the number and am continuing that process to secure our 501(c)(3) status. I also worked on the Articles of Incorporation. I drafted it and sent it off to the Secretary of State in California. As I wrote it, it kinda felt like writing the Declaration of Independence. I was officially saying "here we are" to the world! I dated the Articles for April 1, 2006 and signed my John Hancock. Tomorrow's the day!
I've also been talking with my brother about creating a temporary logo for Catalyst. While I am pretty capable of writing code and scripts in building dynamic Web sites, I have zero talent with graphic design. I can build a Web site that can do alot, it'll just look like crap! So i usually work with a graphic artist to do all the pretty stuff. I've got a good eye for things (I think) so i can give good direction. I just don't have the skill to work that freaking Photoshop! I swear that application was built for a totally different brain! There are coders and there are graphic designers and they both use different parts of the brain. I'm a coder. Kudos to those who can do both! Anyway, my brother just recently learned Photoshop in a couple classes so he's going to come up with something temporary. I need it too because there were lots of opportunities this week where I wish I had a business card to give and a Web site to refer people to. Anyway, he says he'll hopefully have something to show me tonight.
Another major contraction - this afternoon, i'm planning on writing out my strategic business plan and case statement for Catalyst. I've written down some preliminary ideas and now i'll be articulating the meat of what we'll be doing. With these two documents, i'll be able to produce all other things - Web site content, brochures, grants, and information for donors.
So there have definitely been some labor contractions this week - significant milestones leading up to this new season of serving God and my community here in Long Beach. God and I - we're having another baby tomorrow - the birthing of a new vision that will (hopefully) catalyze this city towards trust, leadership, and life!
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Changing "My" World
I haven't said much lately about what's been going on in my world so I figured I'd fill in some blanks.
I've definitely had my share of connecting with people. In the past three months, I've had 59 one-on-one meetings (over coffee, dinner, individual connecting, networking, whatever...) and 83 meetings with a group of three or more people (for social connecting, study, networking, community building, workshops, etc...). I've also been to three conferences in the last three months which includes all the connecting with numerous folks that happen at those kinds of things. Oh yeah, i've also depleted my Cingular rollover minutes a few times because of some good and long phone conversations.
Yes, I am an introvert! For alone time (regenerating time), I've also been in prayer, Scripture, vegging on tv shows (thanks to Tivo), and i've been working out at the gym regularly 4-8 times per week.
Whew!
Yeah, I've done my share of connecting. This has all been part of this transition season that God has me in . . . .
I don't think i'm going overboard with my schedule. When you merely look at the numbers, it looks like I don't get much time to myself. Actually, i keep things pretty balanced between connecting with others, connecting with God, and just me time.
Why have I been so intentional about connecting? I think it's because I am called to be a "catalyst" - to catalyze the relationships around me. In doing so, I affect the world around me. I change the world around me. I was talking with my buddy and we talked about how sometimes it feels so overwhelming to conceive of changing the entire world. We concluded that we can't. We can only change "our" world.
That's what I want to do. I want to change "my" world. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I only recently started verbalizing this - but for the past decade, I've had that feeling... not a feeling of a doomsday or that I'm going to die tomorrow or anything. It's just a feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed to me. And so, for the past decade, I've been living like I know that there is a "date" for me - a time when I will be recalled to be with the Lord. I don't know when - it could be 50 years from now for all I know. It's just that I feel compelled to affect this world now - while I am here.
Sometimes, I talk to my brother or my dad and they worry about me. They know i've got potential to get a really great job and stuff. I've always done well at everything I attempt. I graduated Summa Cum Laude as the Valedictorian of my university last year. They know I could do well at anything. My brother and my dad - they don't understand why I do the things I do - the decisions I make. Why do I opt for non-profit work and struggle financially when I could be working some kick-butt job in the tech industry?
It's because I feel compelled to affect my world. I would rather pursue the vision that God has placed in the fabric of who I am than to climb the corporate ladder of another man's dream. That's just me. I sacrifice financial security so that I can live out my passions because I don't know how long I'm going to be around. The draw back is that it is incredibly humbling to have to lean on family for financial support. But I love them for believing in me!
Last night, I went to dinner with that guy I've been casually seeing occassionally and he's a bit worried that i'll end up homeless. It was kinda funny (but not really funny) because I said i'd be okay if I was homeless. It's not that i want to try to be homeless. There are plenty of options before that ever occurs. I'm just saying that if I were homeless, i'd still be okay because that wouldn't stop me from being able to live out my passions.
So this transition season . . . .
I've been articulating my thoughts for this new non-profit that i'm starting. I'll be starting a blog to chronicle this process - so stay tuned for it! The organization will be called "Catalyst" and our focus will be on building a culture of trust, leadership, and life among the diverse communities of Long Beach - specifically the GLBT community here. I've got alot of good ideas for how I want to approach this. I've spoken to numerous people and have received great response and feedback. I'm excited about it! Two World Collision will just be one program of the broader organization. (This is an evolution from what I said in Sankofa Part Four). I've started working on the web site and I'm looking for a graphic artist who can help me out for free. I've got $0 budget right now. I'll soon be raising funds once I get a tax-id number for the organization. I'm starting the process of incorporating the organization but it will cost almost $600 in application fees alone. I will trust that the needed $$ will come in.
So in the mean time, I've also been transitioning out of the current non-profit that I'm in - what i referred to in the past as my public ministry. (The kewl thing is that now, with "Catalyst", I won't have to hide what my public ministry is.) I've talked a bit about how hard it's been transitioning out. It's still partly my baby. My friend (ministry partner) and I co-founded it. We're going to be intentional about regularly connecting with each other so that we can still catalyze each other's ideas. So as for work, i've been documenting some procedures that I typically do so that someone else can carry them out when I'm gone. I've also been doing some work on the web site so that a few things will be in place before I leave. There's also been alot of administrative work that I've been taking care of to keep things running before I leave. With the job that I was doing, I was spread way thin. With me gone, there will be three people taking over what I was doing. It's a smart move - I shouldn't have been doing all those things anyway. The good thing that we're discovering is that with me leaving, there are many other people who are stepping up to support my ministry partner so that the organization continues pressing forward.
The lesson I've learned from the first non-profit that i'll be carrying with me in starting this new one is not to try to do this alone. I can't do this alone. I'm going to try to surround myself with people who know way more than I do. I'm going to try to establish a team of people who share the vision with me and are willing to be a part of it. I trust that the Lord will send them to me.
The stress for me now is that I will no longer receive a paycheck (my current and sole source of income) after March is over. So i've used half of March's paycheck to cover my March expenses, and i'm going to try to stretch the second half of March's paycheck to cover my April expenses. The thing is - it won't be enough. I'm breaking my lease with my apartment so that I can move to a more inexpensive apartment and I'll be rooming with my buddy (hopefully!) to cut expenses. The fee for the lease break is one month's rent ($1330 - i know, crazy for a single bedroom apartment!).
What I'm discerning from the Lord right now is whether or not He wants me to get a job part-time or full-time and work "Catalyst" on my spare time, or if He wants me to pursue the formation of "Catalyst" full time and trust that we'll raise the needed funds so that I can have some kind of financial compensation while I invest my time in the community. With leftover March money, I calculated that I'm still short about $3500 to cover April plus moving expenses assuming that "Catalyst" will be able to cover me for May. Hopefully, i'll get a few hundred dollars from my tax return - i'll find out Friday.
Anyway, I hate that $$ gets in the way of doing what I really want to do - both personally and organizationally. Nevertheless, I trust Him. Historically, He's always provided for me financially. In the mean time, I will continue to cast the vision that God is birthing in me for "Catalyst" and hope that there are people in the community who will believe in it - in me - enough to be a part of supporting it.
I've definitely had my share of connecting with people. In the past three months, I've had 59 one-on-one meetings (over coffee, dinner, individual connecting, networking, whatever...) and 83 meetings with a group of three or more people (for social connecting, study, networking, community building, workshops, etc...). I've also been to three conferences in the last three months which includes all the connecting with numerous folks that happen at those kinds of things. Oh yeah, i've also depleted my Cingular rollover minutes a few times because of some good and long phone conversations.
Yes, I am an introvert! For alone time (regenerating time), I've also been in prayer, Scripture, vegging on tv shows (thanks to Tivo), and i've been working out at the gym regularly 4-8 times per week.
Whew!
Yeah, I've done my share of connecting. This has all been part of this transition season that God has me in . . . .
I don't think i'm going overboard with my schedule. When you merely look at the numbers, it looks like I don't get much time to myself. Actually, i keep things pretty balanced between connecting with others, connecting with God, and just me time.
Why have I been so intentional about connecting? I think it's because I am called to be a "catalyst" - to catalyze the relationships around me. In doing so, I affect the world around me. I change the world around me. I was talking with my buddy and we talked about how sometimes it feels so overwhelming to conceive of changing the entire world. We concluded that we can't. We can only change "our" world.
That's what I want to do. I want to change "my" world. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I only recently started verbalizing this - but for the past decade, I've had that feeling... not a feeling of a doomsday or that I'm going to die tomorrow or anything. It's just a feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed to me. And so, for the past decade, I've been living like I know that there is a "date" for me - a time when I will be recalled to be with the Lord. I don't know when - it could be 50 years from now for all I know. It's just that I feel compelled to affect this world now - while I am here.
Sometimes, I talk to my brother or my dad and they worry about me. They know i've got potential to get a really great job and stuff. I've always done well at everything I attempt. I graduated Summa Cum Laude as the Valedictorian of my university last year. They know I could do well at anything. My brother and my dad - they don't understand why I do the things I do - the decisions I make. Why do I opt for non-profit work and struggle financially when I could be working some kick-butt job in the tech industry?
It's because I feel compelled to affect my world. I would rather pursue the vision that God has placed in the fabric of who I am than to climb the corporate ladder of another man's dream. That's just me. I sacrifice financial security so that I can live out my passions because I don't know how long I'm going to be around. The draw back is that it is incredibly humbling to have to lean on family for financial support. But I love them for believing in me!
Last night, I went to dinner with that guy I've been casually seeing occassionally and he's a bit worried that i'll end up homeless. It was kinda funny (but not really funny) because I said i'd be okay if I was homeless. It's not that i want to try to be homeless. There are plenty of options before that ever occurs. I'm just saying that if I were homeless, i'd still be okay because that wouldn't stop me from being able to live out my passions.
So this transition season . . . .
I've been articulating my thoughts for this new non-profit that i'm starting. I'll be starting a blog to chronicle this process - so stay tuned for it! The organization will be called "Catalyst" and our focus will be on building a culture of trust, leadership, and life among the diverse communities of Long Beach - specifically the GLBT community here. I've got alot of good ideas for how I want to approach this. I've spoken to numerous people and have received great response and feedback. I'm excited about it! Two World Collision will just be one program of the broader organization. (This is an evolution from what I said in Sankofa Part Four). I've started working on the web site and I'm looking for a graphic artist who can help me out for free. I've got $0 budget right now. I'll soon be raising funds once I get a tax-id number for the organization. I'm starting the process of incorporating the organization but it will cost almost $600 in application fees alone. I will trust that the needed $$ will come in.
So in the mean time, I've also been transitioning out of the current non-profit that I'm in - what i referred to in the past as my public ministry. (The kewl thing is that now, with "Catalyst", I won't have to hide what my public ministry is.) I've talked a bit about how hard it's been transitioning out. It's still partly my baby. My friend (ministry partner) and I co-founded it. We're going to be intentional about regularly connecting with each other so that we can still catalyze each other's ideas. So as for work, i've been documenting some procedures that I typically do so that someone else can carry them out when I'm gone. I've also been doing some work on the web site so that a few things will be in place before I leave. There's also been alot of administrative work that I've been taking care of to keep things running before I leave. With the job that I was doing, I was spread way thin. With me gone, there will be three people taking over what I was doing. It's a smart move - I shouldn't have been doing all those things anyway. The good thing that we're discovering is that with me leaving, there are many other people who are stepping up to support my ministry partner so that the organization continues pressing forward.
The lesson I've learned from the first non-profit that i'll be carrying with me in starting this new one is not to try to do this alone. I can't do this alone. I'm going to try to surround myself with people who know way more than I do. I'm going to try to establish a team of people who share the vision with me and are willing to be a part of it. I trust that the Lord will send them to me.
The stress for me now is that I will no longer receive a paycheck (my current and sole source of income) after March is over. So i've used half of March's paycheck to cover my March expenses, and i'm going to try to stretch the second half of March's paycheck to cover my April expenses. The thing is - it won't be enough. I'm breaking my lease with my apartment so that I can move to a more inexpensive apartment and I'll be rooming with my buddy (hopefully!) to cut expenses. The fee for the lease break is one month's rent ($1330 - i know, crazy for a single bedroom apartment!).
What I'm discerning from the Lord right now is whether or not He wants me to get a job part-time or full-time and work "Catalyst" on my spare time, or if He wants me to pursue the formation of "Catalyst" full time and trust that we'll raise the needed funds so that I can have some kind of financial compensation while I invest my time in the community. With leftover March money, I calculated that I'm still short about $3500 to cover April plus moving expenses assuming that "Catalyst" will be able to cover me for May. Hopefully, i'll get a few hundred dollars from my tax return - i'll find out Friday.
Anyway, I hate that $$ gets in the way of doing what I really want to do - both personally and organizationally. Nevertheless, I trust Him. Historically, He's always provided for me financially. In the mean time, I will continue to cast the vision that God is birthing in me for "Catalyst" and hope that there are people in the community who will believe in it - in me - enough to be a part of supporting it.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
The Tantrums of Life
Sometimes I hope for something so much that, when I don't get it, I crash - hard.
Not getting that job . . . the promotion goes to someone else . . . romantic interest is not reciprocated . . . bombing on an exam . . . missing that weight goal . . . the business doesn't take off . . . . approval for the new car, house, or apartment fell through . . . coming in 4th place . . . not being healed. Sometimes, life sucks. We pray hard, God says 'No' (or 'Not Yet'), and we throw a tantrum.
It's a convenient excuse to do something that I know I probably shouldn't be doing. I guess it's an outlet. I know I can convince myself that self-medicating is easier to deal with the disappointment of lost hope. It might be masturbation. It might be over-eating. It might be drinking alcohol. It might be unrestrained flirtation. It might be shopping. For others, it might even be sex, engaging in an unhealthy relationship, provoking someone in anger, or falling back on some sort of chemical dependency.
For me, it's been Premium "Light" Cookies-N-Cream Ice Cream . . . .
. . . . except I'll eat the entire half gallon container within a single day. Two days later, I'll go out and get another.
I'm such an impulse buyer.
Of course, I always regret it later. Even while I'm doing it - whatever "it" is - I recognize that I'm acting out. I'm being a brat. And I can almost hear the Spirit saying, "Um . . . so . . . whatcha doin' that for?" And I'm like, "Well, such and such didn't happen so I get to do this. Humph!" or maybe something like, "Well, if I don't get to have that then I'm taking this!"
What am I eleven years old?
I know I can't justify sin. Even when doing a thing in itself may not be a sin (ie. eating ice cream), I can make it a sin if I'm doing it with a sinful heart. And of course, there are those other tantrums that are clearly sinful. Regardless, I can't justify acting out simply because I didn't get what I had hoped for.
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from YOUR desires that battle within you? YOU want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but YOU cannot have what YOU want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because YOU ask with wrong motives, that YOU may spend what YOU get on YOUR pleasures." (James 4:1-3)
It's not like every unanswered prayer is done with wrong motives. How can asking for healing be bad or selfish? But it's how I respond to not being healed (or not getting that job, or not having so and so love me back, or not hitting my goal, etc.) that is worth examining.
God is not my genie. He's my God.
I find myself growing closer to Him when I learn to accept His will, the circumstances of life, freaks of nature, or even my own mistakes without throwing a tantrum. I'm finding a peace in aligning my will with His. It's an amazing feeling to come to that place of moving on.
Life goes on.
"Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)
There's kind of a freedom in going with the flow of life without getting tripped up on what's happening during the ride. It's like I'm learning to trust Him more and more during this journey of mine and I get to ask Him, "What's next, Lord?". In hindsight, I can always see God's wisdom in why certain bends in the road were necessary. He does things (or allows things) for my own good, for the good of others, or even for the good of His plan.
I'm learning that God is absolutely for me. Who can be against me?
I'll try to be for God the next time I don't get what I hope for. I may not always understand the "why's" of my life. But I'll try to appreciate the blessings He does give me and I'll find my peace in knowing that He's on my side and I'm on His.
Thank You, Lord, for being ever so patient with me and my tantrums!
Not getting that job . . . the promotion goes to someone else . . . romantic interest is not reciprocated . . . bombing on an exam . . . missing that weight goal . . . the business doesn't take off . . . . approval for the new car, house, or apartment fell through . . . coming in 4th place . . . not being healed. Sometimes, life sucks. We pray hard, God says 'No' (or 'Not Yet'), and we throw a tantrum.
It's a convenient excuse to do something that I know I probably shouldn't be doing. I guess it's an outlet. I know I can convince myself that self-medicating is easier to deal with the disappointment of lost hope. It might be masturbation. It might be over-eating. It might be drinking alcohol. It might be unrestrained flirtation. It might be shopping. For others, it might even be sex, engaging in an unhealthy relationship, provoking someone in anger, or falling back on some sort of chemical dependency.
For me, it's been Premium "Light" Cookies-N-Cream Ice Cream . . . .
. . . . except I'll eat the entire half gallon container within a single day. Two days later, I'll go out and get another.
I'm such an impulse buyer.
Of course, I always regret it later. Even while I'm doing it - whatever "it" is - I recognize that I'm acting out. I'm being a brat. And I can almost hear the Spirit saying, "Um . . . so . . . whatcha doin' that for?" And I'm like, "Well, such and such didn't happen so I get to do this. Humph!" or maybe something like, "Well, if I don't get to have that then I'm taking this!"
What am I eleven years old?
I know I can't justify sin. Even when doing a thing in itself may not be a sin (ie. eating ice cream), I can make it a sin if I'm doing it with a sinful heart. And of course, there are those other tantrums that are clearly sinful. Regardless, I can't justify acting out simply because I didn't get what I had hoped for.
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from YOUR desires that battle within you? YOU want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but YOU cannot have what YOU want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because YOU ask with wrong motives, that YOU may spend what YOU get on YOUR pleasures." (James 4:1-3)
It's not like every unanswered prayer is done with wrong motives. How can asking for healing be bad or selfish? But it's how I respond to not being healed (or not getting that job, or not having so and so love me back, or not hitting my goal, etc.) that is worth examining.
God is not my genie. He's my God.
I find myself growing closer to Him when I learn to accept His will, the circumstances of life, freaks of nature, or even my own mistakes without throwing a tantrum. I'm finding a peace in aligning my will with His. It's an amazing feeling to come to that place of moving on.
Life goes on.
"Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)
There's kind of a freedom in going with the flow of life without getting tripped up on what's happening during the ride. It's like I'm learning to trust Him more and more during this journey of mine and I get to ask Him, "What's next, Lord?". In hindsight, I can always see God's wisdom in why certain bends in the road were necessary. He does things (or allows things) for my own good, for the good of others, or even for the good of His plan.
I'm learning that God is absolutely for me. Who can be against me?
I'll try to be for God the next time I don't get what I hope for. I may not always understand the "why's" of my life. But I'll try to appreciate the blessings He does give me and I'll find my peace in knowing that He's on my side and I'm on His.
Thank You, Lord, for being ever so patient with me and my tantrums!
Monday, March 13, 2006
The Awkwardness Between Us
It's hard feeling less loved by those I love and care about.
There are several special ladies in the city that I consider my spiritual mothers. These are the ladies who express such awesome love and affection for me, perhaps because I am young and single, and they hug me every time they see me and sometimes even pinch my cheeks. Yeah, i'll admit, I play into it alot of the times. I love it! These are my spiritual moms and grandmas from several churches throughout the city. They encourage me for the work I'm doing to bring unity in the Church throughout the city and to call people to prayer - regardless of denomination.
Making the transition from a Side X perspective ('thou shalt be straight') to a Side A perspective ('thou shalt love properly' - at least, that's the way I see it) regarding faith and homosexuality has been difficult. It's been especially challenging emotionally since I made the decision to step away from the non-profit that I co-founded (which built bridges within the majority Side X community), then afterwards felt led to start another non-profit (which will be focussing on building bridges within the minority inclusive community).
A fear of mine has always been of being disowned by my spiritual mothers because of this change in perspective that I have. Am I disappointing them? Am I breaking their hearts? Am I causing them to worry for me? Has their love for me diminished? I love them. I really do. But I feel compelled in my spirit to continue following Jesus even if they don't understand that it's Him that I'm following . . . .
After my parents' divorce, my biological family became emotionally distant and I eventually turned to the Church as my surrogate family. I felt like my real family divorced me and so I stayed in the closet about my sexuality with my church family because I didn't want to lose them too. Now that I'm no longer in the closet, it feels like many members of my Side X church family are beginning to divorce me as well. It's kind of like - we're still a family but we're emotionally distant. (The irony is that my biological family completely supports me now).
I ran into one of my spiritual mothers twice last week. Two Sundays ago, I was with a large group of friends from one of the inclusive churches that I've been building relationships with. We were all at a restaurant for lunch after a service. I saw her sitting with a group of her friends at a nearby table. My first thought was, "oh no!" Usually I'd be super excited to see her. But she's very involved with the administration of the church who's pastor was also one of the highly vocal and condescending ones on the Advisory Board that I mentioned in "One Thing I Am Sure Of". Naturally my assumption is that she would share her pastor's view regarding the decisions that I've made.
So after seeing her, I looked down our table of 15 people (I was on the end) and wondered how she might be viewing us. Do we all look gay? Are we having too much fun? Do we all look like heathens? Are we all acting like we're going to hell? Are we proud of our own deception and compromise? Has she seen me?
First thing we did when our meals arrived was hold hands in prayer and thanksgiving.
No, I wasn't going to disown my friends. But I also wasn't going to jump up and approach my spiritual mom either. I was having a good time but the kill-joy was wondering to what degree of condemnation she was thinking towards me. Yes, I realize that all of my thoughts are simply my own assumptions of her thoughts. I don't know how she feels until I talk to her about it. But why in the world would I intentionally want to enter into a situation where both our hearts could break? Sure it's fear. But I'm not exactly looking forward to hearing disapproval from a spiritual mom of mine. I love her.
She spotted me.
We made eye contact and I knew she saw me. She had a look of joy on her face and so I knew that I had to get up and say hello. I gave her a hug and greeted her friends. We spoke with affection and generalities about me leaving the non-profit and about her helping my ministry partner to help out in the transition. I returned to my seat.
It was weird. I know she knows I'm gay. I know she knows I've switched "Sides". I know she loves me. I don't doubt that. But it's feeling like I've disappointed her that makes it so difficult.
I saw her again last Friday night. My buddy and I went to see "Sweeney Todd" (a musical) at a college campus and my spiritual mom was there. I was surprised to see her and it was again pretty uncomfortable. Of course, it was good to see her. It's just that there's this awkwardness between us through the smiles and hugs and 'good-to-see-you's'.
I think the awkward thing is feeling less loved just because of the decisions I've made and the shift in beliefs that I have. Did she love me before because of what I believed? Did she love me before because I was Side X? Is it possible to love a person the same way even though you disapprove of the decisions they've made? I should hope so. But the "I still love you" words that I hear are betrayed by the "I'm so disappointed in you" eyes that I see.
I'm more likely to believe the eyes. No wonder "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" has always seemed like a bunch of bunk to me.
I'm not ashamed of the decisions I've made. I've honestly wrestled through all of this and I have a peace in my heart that I am indeed acceptable before the Lord. I think the fruit speaks for itself - the Lord is with me. My spiritual moms and all of my Side X friends will have to wrestle with the Lord too to figure out how they ought to interact with me. I know that the Lord loves me. They will have to figure out if they do too - and further, how that looks.
Either way, it's still tough to feel judged for something that I have a peace about. It's tough feeling pity from others when I don't feel like I need it. I'm not lost. I'm not confused. I'm not deceived. I'm not defective. But it's not as simple as just saying that I don't care what people think about me. That's not true. I do care about what people think because I love them. I know that they have the right to disagree and even be disappointed in me - and still love me. It's just that living through the awkwardness is heavy on the heart - for all of us.
---------------------------
P.S. Be sure to check in! Thx!
There are several special ladies in the city that I consider my spiritual mothers. These are the ladies who express such awesome love and affection for me, perhaps because I am young and single, and they hug me every time they see me and sometimes even pinch my cheeks. Yeah, i'll admit, I play into it alot of the times. I love it! These are my spiritual moms and grandmas from several churches throughout the city. They encourage me for the work I'm doing to bring unity in the Church throughout the city and to call people to prayer - regardless of denomination.
Making the transition from a Side X perspective ('thou shalt be straight') to a Side A perspective ('thou shalt love properly' - at least, that's the way I see it) regarding faith and homosexuality has been difficult. It's been especially challenging emotionally since I made the decision to step away from the non-profit that I co-founded (which built bridges within the majority Side X community), then afterwards felt led to start another non-profit (which will be focussing on building bridges within the minority inclusive community).
A fear of mine has always been of being disowned by my spiritual mothers because of this change in perspective that I have. Am I disappointing them? Am I breaking their hearts? Am I causing them to worry for me? Has their love for me diminished? I love them. I really do. But I feel compelled in my spirit to continue following Jesus even if they don't understand that it's Him that I'm following . . . .
After my parents' divorce, my biological family became emotionally distant and I eventually turned to the Church as my surrogate family. I felt like my real family divorced me and so I stayed in the closet about my sexuality with my church family because I didn't want to lose them too. Now that I'm no longer in the closet, it feels like many members of my Side X church family are beginning to divorce me as well. It's kind of like - we're still a family but we're emotionally distant. (The irony is that my biological family completely supports me now).
I ran into one of my spiritual mothers twice last week. Two Sundays ago, I was with a large group of friends from one of the inclusive churches that I've been building relationships with. We were all at a restaurant for lunch after a service. I saw her sitting with a group of her friends at a nearby table. My first thought was, "oh no!" Usually I'd be super excited to see her. But she's very involved with the administration of the church who's pastor was also one of the highly vocal and condescending ones on the Advisory Board that I mentioned in "One Thing I Am Sure Of". Naturally my assumption is that she would share her pastor's view regarding the decisions that I've made.
So after seeing her, I looked down our table of 15 people (I was on the end) and wondered how she might be viewing us. Do we all look gay? Are we having too much fun? Do we all look like heathens? Are we all acting like we're going to hell? Are we proud of our own deception and compromise? Has she seen me?
First thing we did when our meals arrived was hold hands in prayer and thanksgiving.
No, I wasn't going to disown my friends. But I also wasn't going to jump up and approach my spiritual mom either. I was having a good time but the kill-joy was wondering to what degree of condemnation she was thinking towards me. Yes, I realize that all of my thoughts are simply my own assumptions of her thoughts. I don't know how she feels until I talk to her about it. But why in the world would I intentionally want to enter into a situation where both our hearts could break? Sure it's fear. But I'm not exactly looking forward to hearing disapproval from a spiritual mom of mine. I love her.
She spotted me.
We made eye contact and I knew she saw me. She had a look of joy on her face and so I knew that I had to get up and say hello. I gave her a hug and greeted her friends. We spoke with affection and generalities about me leaving the non-profit and about her helping my ministry partner to help out in the transition. I returned to my seat.
It was weird. I know she knows I'm gay. I know she knows I've switched "Sides". I know she loves me. I don't doubt that. But it's feeling like I've disappointed her that makes it so difficult.
I saw her again last Friday night. My buddy and I went to see "Sweeney Todd" (a musical) at a college campus and my spiritual mom was there. I was surprised to see her and it was again pretty uncomfortable. Of course, it was good to see her. It's just that there's this awkwardness between us through the smiles and hugs and 'good-to-see-you's'.
I think the awkward thing is feeling less loved just because of the decisions I've made and the shift in beliefs that I have. Did she love me before because of what I believed? Did she love me before because I was Side X? Is it possible to love a person the same way even though you disapprove of the decisions they've made? I should hope so. But the "I still love you" words that I hear are betrayed by the "I'm so disappointed in you" eyes that I see.
I'm more likely to believe the eyes. No wonder "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" has always seemed like a bunch of bunk to me.
I'm not ashamed of the decisions I've made. I've honestly wrestled through all of this and I have a peace in my heart that I am indeed acceptable before the Lord. I think the fruit speaks for itself - the Lord is with me. My spiritual moms and all of my Side X friends will have to wrestle with the Lord too to figure out how they ought to interact with me. I know that the Lord loves me. They will have to figure out if they do too - and further, how that looks.
Either way, it's still tough to feel judged for something that I have a peace about. It's tough feeling pity from others when I don't feel like I need it. I'm not lost. I'm not confused. I'm not deceived. I'm not defective. But it's not as simple as just saying that I don't care what people think about me. That's not true. I do care about what people think because I love them. I know that they have the right to disagree and even be disappointed in me - and still love me. It's just that living through the awkwardness is heavy on the heart - for all of us.
---------------------------
P.S. Be sure to check in! Thx!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Roll Call
Friends, romans, countrymen, visitors, regular Two World Collision readers, anonymous lurkers, and fellow bloggers . . . .
I've added a feature to the site just for fun (found it thanks to Drew) - it's a kewl little map thing that show's your location. Make your mark and give a shout out - you can either click the "Check In" link at the top of the left column of this blog or see the map at the bottom of the right column of this blog.
Let's see how much none of us are alone in this journey!
I've added a feature to the site just for fun (found it thanks to Drew) - it's a kewl little map thing that show's your location. Make your mark and give a shout out - you can either click the "Check In" link at the top of the left column of this blog or see the map at the bottom of the right column of this blog.
Let's see how much none of us are alone in this journey!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Community of Profound Loneliness
The local church can sometimes be one of the loneliest places on Earth for me.
Churchianity tells us that people are lonely in this world because they are without Christ in their lives. If they would only accept Christ, then they would never be lonely again. So then why is it that for 13 years of being a Bible-believing Jesus-loving church-attending Christian, I always felt the loneliest during the post Sunday service "how-are-you-it's-good-to-see-you-how-was-your-week" coffee and donuts fellowship time?
Perhaps it was the simple surface salutations and greetings. Perhaps it was the lack of connection from these people during the other six days of the week. Perhaps it was the internal heart ache of seeing couples holding hands and being able to share physical affection while I sat alone during the service for yet another week - every "single" week. Perhaps it was the frustration of never feeling completely known by anyone and being tired of wearing the fake "i'm-fine-it's-good-to-see-you-too-how-are-you" plastic smiles. Perhaps it was because I hated the fact that I could get away with that kind of smile and lack of depth because I knew that no one was going to probe deeper.
Before I started this journey of mine last year, I lost count of the number of times I drove home crying after a church service . . . .
Many would say that I created this kind of church experience for myself. I was the one who failed to reach out. I was the one who didn't take the initiative in participating in the "fellowship time". I was the one who was so self-focussed on my own needs that I missed the opportunity of serving other people's needs. I was the one who chose to stay disconnected despite other people's attempts to "connect" with me.
That's what they'd often say when ever I tried to verbalize the disconnectedness that I was feeling within the church. It's my fault, they'd say.
Do I really need to hear that? This tough-love "stop being a victim" approach to addressing my cries for help by simply redirecting my frustrations - away from them and resting on me. It's my fault, not theirs.
They'd say that it's my fault that I'm lonely but they are unwilling to consider that they could possibly make some adjustments as well in order to contribute to a better community.
I can acknowledge that there are things that I can do to stimulate my own sense of community within the church. But the thing that always pissed me off about how some of these people responded was that they never tried to understand why I was feeling so lonely. They never tried to grieve with me. It was the "shake it off, it doesn't hurt that bad" kind of response.
Sure there are things that I could have done to not live in the loneliness, but it was their lack of compassion for my loneliness that fueled my loneliness. Bitterness, even. So then why would I want to share my heart and open up to these kinds of people? They don't get to hear the real reasons why I am so sad.
They don't get to hear that it's often difficult to be in a crowded room being burdened with the thought, "i'm the only one". Is there anyone else in this church that is like me? What will they think of me if they knew who I really am? Why does it seem like everyone else is coupled? Why am I not allowed to embrace someone that I care about? Why doesn't this seem fair? Why are my affections never reciprocated? Why can't I talk about any of this with any of them? Why doesn't anyone want to understand me?
Why won't anyone walk with me?
There is a community within the Church that simply wants to be understood - to be known. We are a community of profound loneliness. All we want is the connection promised to us when we were told that Christ would comfort us.
I am thankful to God that my journey over these past several months has released me from much of this kind of disconnectedness and loneliness. Even though I do not feel this kind of profound loneliness anymore, some of those feelings still linger - it's still tough sometimes to sit through a service as a single person amidst a crowd of people. But the Lord taught me alot about connection during these times of disconnection.
#1: I'm not alone.
Even when it seemed like no one else understood me, no one else was walking with me, no one else stood up for me - there was always Jesus. The One thing that I learned that I could truly count on - Christ, my Friend. It was during the lonely car rides home after church service that I knew that He was there with me. It was in the dark room laying on my bed crying at 3 a.m. that I knew that He was there with me. It was in the shower when I ran the hot water over my head with both my hands covering my face paralyzed to move by the thoughts racing through my mind that I knew that He was there with me. It was on the university campus promenade walking alone with my head down as fellow students passed by laughing with their friends and me wondering if my friends would ever accept me for who I was that I knew that He was there with me. It was at work sitting at my desk listening to co-workers telling tales of times with their girlfriends and me longing to have such stories that I knew that He was there with me. In the midst of loneliness, there He was.
#2: There are blessings around me.
Sometimes, I'd focus my attention so much on receiving the affection of a single person that i'd miss out on the blessing of appreciating the many other people in my life that actually were present. These were the people that God placed in my life - people for me to connect with. I would sometimes fixate on the one while ignoring the many. As a result, I would connect with no one. It's at these moments when He showed me that I had set up an idol in my heart. The relational idolatry was bound to make me feel perpetually lonely and disconnected because it was an illusion that I was seeking - a fantasy of perfect connection with what is in reality imperfect. I had many friends around me that I could have invested the time to develop depth so that I could be known if only I would acknowledge the fact that they are indeed there.
#3: Be the kind of friend that I want.
I can't change other people. I can't make them be what I want them to be. Doing this is simply manipulation. I realized that I had to be willing to take the initiative of being the friend to others that I wanted for myself. I realized that I don't simply find "true friends" as if stumbling upon them by accident. We develop "true friends" by investing the time to create history of memories and trust.
I'm learning to apply these three things that Christ taught me during my loneliness so that I can experience freedom from it. I discovered choice. I didn't want to be lonely anymore. He showed me that I didn't have to be.
Now, eight months or so into this new season of my life long journey, I don't feel as profoundly lonely as I used to. I have friends that I feel safe enough to be real with. I have friends who are still friends even after knowing about me. I have family that support me. I am now trying to be more intentional about developing depth in my relationships. I'm extending the invitations for lunch or to go out for coffee or tea. I'm extending the invitations to join me for a movie. I'm extending the invitations for others to tell me more about themselves. I'm extending the invitations for small dinner parties where friends from different circles can come together and make new friends.
Sometimes I think how ironic it is that God uses me to be a bridge builder within His Church and in the community. It's not like i've perfected those three lessons - i'm still trying to figure it all out, trying to live it out when i'm lonely (and I am still lonely many times). I figure I've got to be the wrong man for this type of work because what do I know about connection with people?
I suppose it's His sense of humor.
Leave it to God to use a socially awkward introverted gay lonely man to stimulate connection and unity in His Kingdom.
Churchianity tells us that people are lonely in this world because they are without Christ in their lives. If they would only accept Christ, then they would never be lonely again. So then why is it that for 13 years of being a Bible-believing Jesus-loving church-attending Christian, I always felt the loneliest during the post Sunday service "how-are-you-it's-good-to-see-you-how-was-your-week" coffee and donuts fellowship time?
Perhaps it was the simple surface salutations and greetings. Perhaps it was the lack of connection from these people during the other six days of the week. Perhaps it was the internal heart ache of seeing couples holding hands and being able to share physical affection while I sat alone during the service for yet another week - every "single" week. Perhaps it was the frustration of never feeling completely known by anyone and being tired of wearing the fake "i'm-fine-it's-good-to-see-you-too-how-are-you" plastic smiles. Perhaps it was because I hated the fact that I could get away with that kind of smile and lack of depth because I knew that no one was going to probe deeper.
Before I started this journey of mine last year, I lost count of the number of times I drove home crying after a church service . . . .
Many would say that I created this kind of church experience for myself. I was the one who failed to reach out. I was the one who didn't take the initiative in participating in the "fellowship time". I was the one who was so self-focussed on my own needs that I missed the opportunity of serving other people's needs. I was the one who chose to stay disconnected despite other people's attempts to "connect" with me.
That's what they'd often say when ever I tried to verbalize the disconnectedness that I was feeling within the church. It's my fault, they'd say.
Do I really need to hear that? This tough-love "stop being a victim" approach to addressing my cries for help by simply redirecting my frustrations - away from them and resting on me. It's my fault, not theirs.
They'd say that it's my fault that I'm lonely but they are unwilling to consider that they could possibly make some adjustments as well in order to contribute to a better community.
I can acknowledge that there are things that I can do to stimulate my own sense of community within the church. But the thing that always pissed me off about how some of these people responded was that they never tried to understand why I was feeling so lonely. They never tried to grieve with me. It was the "shake it off, it doesn't hurt that bad" kind of response.
Sure there are things that I could have done to not live in the loneliness, but it was their lack of compassion for my loneliness that fueled my loneliness. Bitterness, even. So then why would I want to share my heart and open up to these kinds of people? They don't get to hear the real reasons why I am so sad.
They don't get to hear that it's often difficult to be in a crowded room being burdened with the thought, "i'm the only one". Is there anyone else in this church that is like me? What will they think of me if they knew who I really am? Why does it seem like everyone else is coupled? Why am I not allowed to embrace someone that I care about? Why doesn't this seem fair? Why are my affections never reciprocated? Why can't I talk about any of this with any of them? Why doesn't anyone want to understand me?
Why won't anyone walk with me?
There is a community within the Church that simply wants to be understood - to be known. We are a community of profound loneliness. All we want is the connection promised to us when we were told that Christ would comfort us.
I am thankful to God that my journey over these past several months has released me from much of this kind of disconnectedness and loneliness. Even though I do not feel this kind of profound loneliness anymore, some of those feelings still linger - it's still tough sometimes to sit through a service as a single person amidst a crowd of people. But the Lord taught me alot about connection during these times of disconnection.
#1: I'm not alone.
Even when it seemed like no one else understood me, no one else was walking with me, no one else stood up for me - there was always Jesus. The One thing that I learned that I could truly count on - Christ, my Friend. It was during the lonely car rides home after church service that I knew that He was there with me. It was in the dark room laying on my bed crying at 3 a.m. that I knew that He was there with me. It was in the shower when I ran the hot water over my head with both my hands covering my face paralyzed to move by the thoughts racing through my mind that I knew that He was there with me. It was on the university campus promenade walking alone with my head down as fellow students passed by laughing with their friends and me wondering if my friends would ever accept me for who I was that I knew that He was there with me. It was at work sitting at my desk listening to co-workers telling tales of times with their girlfriends and me longing to have such stories that I knew that He was there with me. In the midst of loneliness, there He was.
#2: There are blessings around me.
Sometimes, I'd focus my attention so much on receiving the affection of a single person that i'd miss out on the blessing of appreciating the many other people in my life that actually were present. These were the people that God placed in my life - people for me to connect with. I would sometimes fixate on the one while ignoring the many. As a result, I would connect with no one. It's at these moments when He showed me that I had set up an idol in my heart. The relational idolatry was bound to make me feel perpetually lonely and disconnected because it was an illusion that I was seeking - a fantasy of perfect connection with what is in reality imperfect. I had many friends around me that I could have invested the time to develop depth so that I could be known if only I would acknowledge the fact that they are indeed there.
#3: Be the kind of friend that I want.
I can't change other people. I can't make them be what I want them to be. Doing this is simply manipulation. I realized that I had to be willing to take the initiative of being the friend to others that I wanted for myself. I realized that I don't simply find "true friends" as if stumbling upon them by accident. We develop "true friends" by investing the time to create history of memories and trust.
I'm learning to apply these three things that Christ taught me during my loneliness so that I can experience freedom from it. I discovered choice. I didn't want to be lonely anymore. He showed me that I didn't have to be.
Now, eight months or so into this new season of my life long journey, I don't feel as profoundly lonely as I used to. I have friends that I feel safe enough to be real with. I have friends who are still friends even after knowing about me. I have family that support me. I am now trying to be more intentional about developing depth in my relationships. I'm extending the invitations for lunch or to go out for coffee or tea. I'm extending the invitations to join me for a movie. I'm extending the invitations for others to tell me more about themselves. I'm extending the invitations for small dinner parties where friends from different circles can come together and make new friends.
Sometimes I think how ironic it is that God uses me to be a bridge builder within His Church and in the community. It's not like i've perfected those three lessons - i'm still trying to figure it all out, trying to live it out when i'm lonely (and I am still lonely many times). I figure I've got to be the wrong man for this type of work because what do I know about connection with people?
I suppose it's His sense of humor.
Leave it to God to use a socially awkward introverted gay lonely man to stimulate connection and unity in His Kingdom.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The 'M' Word
Self-gratification. I don't think I've been resisting temptation the way I should be.
Sure, i've been avoiding certain other things - eating chocolate, buying clothes, gadgets, and toys i don't need, having actual and physical sex - but still. I'm not without sin. Temptation is definitely there.
I'd like to say that I've done well at maintaining pre-established boundaries like not having sex right now. While I may not be giving in to those temptations, I'm finding myself giving in - perhaps too easily - to other temptations.
The mind is alot harder to discipline than the body . . . .
Gratifying oneself is not something people usually talk about that openly. (Actually, I have been in some social circles where gay men talk about it without shame.) I'll try not to be so crude but i hope you know what i'm talking about.
Masturbation.
Well, if i'm not going to have sex it seems like it would be the best and natural alternative, right? Sexual temptation is hard (no pun intended. okay, maybe a bit of a pun intended). It's difficult to resist. There's that surge of excitement that flows throughout the entire body. It's like you can actually feel every single hormone being released to swim free throughout the blood stream - touching every nerve in the body to cause an arousal, a warm sensation, and an impulse towards an object. The very sight (or even thought) of one's object of affection (aka 'that HOT guy or gal') can trigger such a response.
It seems like solo-gratification is the safest thing to do if having sex with that person isn't an option for one reason or another. Maybe physically, it is. There are times when I just need some kind of an outlet - relieve tension so that I can move on with my life. Sometimes I just can't get certain things out of my mind.
But is it the healthiest thing for me to do spiritually?
I know, loaded question. Probably not.
Whether or not Jesus would be okay with a person relieving physical tension is probably not the point. I would suppose that Christ would be more concerned about what was going on in my heart when such a thing were occurring. I've spoken to many guys who say that they are able to relieve tension without picturing someone in their imagination to assist the process. But for me, I typically am thinking of someone (or sometwo or somethree).
Lust.
I realize that for some guys, they are simply relieving tension and not entertaining fantasy. I can't necessarily say that for my own case. If i'm honest with myself, i'm not "simply relieving tension". I'm lusting. And i'd think that Jesus would want more from me.
I agree with what much of the ex-gay ministries (as do many churches) teach about this - that it's a sort of idolatry. (Don't get your panties in a bunch, I don't agree with everything that ex-gay ministries teach!). When I am lusting after a person and going so far as to fantasize about him during a solo session, there's an element to it that is completely objectifying. Most of the time, I'm not considering his heart or his desires. Rather, it's all about me. My wants, needs, desires, pleasures, satisfaction. It's a completely selfish experience for me.
Most of the time. Not all of the time.
There are other times when, at least in fantasy, there's an emotional component involved and we're "making love". I'm imagining something mutual.
But it's not real. It's an illusion. It's a lie. And it's hard for me to accept that emotionally bending to a facade isn't oppressive. I don't always think of this in these terms during the temptation but I've always viewed Satan as the Master of Illusions and Deceit. He's all about tricking me to doing something stupid. He's all about lying to me. He's all about distracting me. He's all about giving me false love. So when I think about it in that way, self-gratification while fantasizing about another person is not "simply relieving tension" but is "simply entertaining lust".
Yeah, i think it's wrong. I do it. Argh I keep doing it! Even though I know I shouldn't. But as I've been good at not having actual sex because of pre-established boundaries that I've set for myself (and with the discernment from the Lord), I'm finding that my mind still roams free.
It's as if maintaining physical restraint permits imaginary freedom in my thought life. But i'm probably missing the point when i think that way. Jesus said that it's not just about committing adultery, it's about the lust. Jesus said that it's not just about committing murder, it's about the hate. He is more concerned about the condition of my heart because He knows that if my heart is in alignment with Him, then I won't commit anything.
Oh what a wretched heart I have!
But Christ is there. And He redeems it.
I know, someone out there is probably thinking that I need to quit being so hard on myself. But i'm not so much concerned about the masturbation itself. I'm more concerned about what's going on in my heart when I do it. That's what I want to keep in check.
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:1-2)
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
The Lord is my God and I want what He wants for me.
Lord, if i've set up false gods to focus my heart and thoughts on (even for those solo moments), forgive me. I'll try to be more faithful to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Sure, i've been avoiding certain other things - eating chocolate, buying clothes, gadgets, and toys i don't need, having actual and physical sex - but still. I'm not without sin. Temptation is definitely there.
I'd like to say that I've done well at maintaining pre-established boundaries like not having sex right now. While I may not be giving in to those temptations, I'm finding myself giving in - perhaps too easily - to other temptations.
The mind is alot harder to discipline than the body . . . .
Gratifying oneself is not something people usually talk about that openly. (Actually, I have been in some social circles where gay men talk about it without shame.) I'll try not to be so crude but i hope you know what i'm talking about.
Masturbation.
Well, if i'm not going to have sex it seems like it would be the best and natural alternative, right? Sexual temptation is hard (no pun intended. okay, maybe a bit of a pun intended). It's difficult to resist. There's that surge of excitement that flows throughout the entire body. It's like you can actually feel every single hormone being released to swim free throughout the blood stream - touching every nerve in the body to cause an arousal, a warm sensation, and an impulse towards an object. The very sight (or even thought) of one's object of affection (aka 'that HOT guy or gal') can trigger such a response.
It seems like solo-gratification is the safest thing to do if having sex with that person isn't an option for one reason or another. Maybe physically, it is. There are times when I just need some kind of an outlet - relieve tension so that I can move on with my life. Sometimes I just can't get certain things out of my mind.
But is it the healthiest thing for me to do spiritually?
I know, loaded question. Probably not.
Whether or not Jesus would be okay with a person relieving physical tension is probably not the point. I would suppose that Christ would be more concerned about what was going on in my heart when such a thing were occurring. I've spoken to many guys who say that they are able to relieve tension without picturing someone in their imagination to assist the process. But for me, I typically am thinking of someone (or sometwo or somethree).
Lust.
I realize that for some guys, they are simply relieving tension and not entertaining fantasy. I can't necessarily say that for my own case. If i'm honest with myself, i'm not "simply relieving tension". I'm lusting. And i'd think that Jesus would want more from me.
I agree with what much of the ex-gay ministries (as do many churches) teach about this - that it's a sort of idolatry. (Don't get your panties in a bunch, I don't agree with everything that ex-gay ministries teach!). When I am lusting after a person and going so far as to fantasize about him during a solo session, there's an element to it that is completely objectifying. Most of the time, I'm not considering his heart or his desires. Rather, it's all about me. My wants, needs, desires, pleasures, satisfaction. It's a completely selfish experience for me.
Most of the time. Not all of the time.
There are other times when, at least in fantasy, there's an emotional component involved and we're "making love". I'm imagining something mutual.
But it's not real. It's an illusion. It's a lie. And it's hard for me to accept that emotionally bending to a facade isn't oppressive. I don't always think of this in these terms during the temptation but I've always viewed Satan as the Master of Illusions and Deceit. He's all about tricking me to doing something stupid. He's all about lying to me. He's all about distracting me. He's all about giving me false love. So when I think about it in that way, self-gratification while fantasizing about another person is not "simply relieving tension" but is "simply entertaining lust".
Yeah, i think it's wrong. I do it. Argh I keep doing it! Even though I know I shouldn't. But as I've been good at not having actual sex because of pre-established boundaries that I've set for myself (and with the discernment from the Lord), I'm finding that my mind still roams free.
It's as if maintaining physical restraint permits imaginary freedom in my thought life. But i'm probably missing the point when i think that way. Jesus said that it's not just about committing adultery, it's about the lust. Jesus said that it's not just about committing murder, it's about the hate. He is more concerned about the condition of my heart because He knows that if my heart is in alignment with Him, then I won't commit anything.
Oh what a wretched heart I have!
But Christ is there. And He redeems it.
I know, someone out there is probably thinking that I need to quit being so hard on myself. But i'm not so much concerned about the masturbation itself. I'm more concerned about what's going on in my heart when I do it. That's what I want to keep in check.
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:1-2)
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
The Lord is my God and I want what He wants for me.
Lord, if i've set up false gods to focus my heart and thoughts on (even for those solo moments), forgive me. I'll try to be more faithful to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
You Don't Need To Be So Tough
[My disclaimer because it has youth in it: I'm putting this video up sincerely thinking that it doesn't have a sexual connotation.]
This video is a Norwegian public service announcement. At the end of it, it says "Du trenger ikke vaere sa toff" which means, "You Don't Need To Be So Tough" or more specifically it says, "You Don't Need To Be *That* Tough" (according to the author of the commercial - see comments below) and underneath the phone number, "Vi vil gjerne svare" means "We'll certainly answer".
I'm curious. Weigh in on this for me . . . What do you think about it?
This video is a Norwegian public service announcement. At the end of it, it says "Du trenger ikke vaere sa toff" which means, "You Don't Need To Be So Tough" or more specifically it says, "You Don't Need To Be *That* Tough" (according to the author of the commercial - see comments below) and underneath the phone number, "Vi vil gjerne svare" means "We'll certainly answer".
I'm curious. Weigh in on this for me . . . What do you think about it?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Podcast Interviews #2
I mentioned last week that Zeke from Godscrum was going to interview me for his podcast. As you may have figured from the most recent posts, last week was a really rough week for me so I don't think I was very articulate. I did my best though to be myself and be honest with where I was at with my journey. He asked me several questions regarding the three sides (A, B, X) - i'll be the first to admit that I am NOT the resident expert on the subject, but I did my best to describe each to the best of my knowledge. The majority of his blog audience and podcast subscribers are heterosexual and it was a good opportunity to stimulate further discussion since many people don't know that there's this internal conversation going on within the gay Christian community. I think it's great that Zeke is doing his part to stir up dialogue about the issue.
Listen to the podcast interview here.
If you haven't yet, be sure to listen to my other podcast interview from the guys over at GCN Radio! Look for the February 10th episode.
Listen to the podcast interview here.
If you haven't yet, be sure to listen to my other podcast interview from the guys over at GCN Radio! Look for the February 10th episode.
Friday, February 17, 2006
The One Thing I Am Sure Of
Yesterday was one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging days of this journey.
Clearly.
It was a day of being hurt and being comforted, being condemned and being restored, being filled with doubt and being inspired to continue forward. It's incredibly difficult to hear disappointment from those I love, care about, and respect. It's frustrating to be misunderstood - to have my motives and my heart questioned. It's confusing to know how to proceed forward when one part of the Church counsels one thing and another part of the Church counsel something else.
So I woke up this morning with a few guiding questions (remember yesterday's update? - "Let the Questions Drive the Journey"):
What is it that God has called me to do? Who is in alignment with what God has called me to do? What are a few things that I am sure of?
My worlds continue to collide in this "Hot Zone". Those are the questions I'm processing right now to help me figure out what to do next . . . .
I started the day with the Advisory Board to inform them that I was stepping away from the organization so that it can better serve our function of being a bridge builder - to catalyze a dialogue within the Church. I entered the meeting thinking that it would be a dialogue. They were pretty concerned about the path I'm taking - entertaining the notion that Christians can also be gay, and further, that I was living out such a "lifestyle". That meeting was anything but a dialogue. It was more like an intervention. They knew about the "gay" thing and the first red flag when I first walked in the door was the fact that no one offered the usual hugs (except for one handshake from the person that ended up presenting himself most hostile towards me, being the first one to speak out against me).
I'm not a baby Christian. I may have alot to learn in regards to knowledge of Church history, theology, and other intellectual things that make professor/pastor types feel like they have an excuse not to be humble. Sure, i'll admit that i'm naive to some of these things. But I'm not a baby Christian. For 13 1/2 years, i've learned to discern how the Lord speaks to me. For 13 1/2 years, the Lord has prepared and equipped me with past experiences and lessons learned to be able to walk the walk He's called me to. They may not agree with the direction I'm taking for my life but they have not seen or heard what I have discerned from Him. Regardless of how they feel or think about me, I must be faithful to those things that I discern from the Lord. I shall take His correction and counsel and guidance so that I can stay on His path - His Way, not theirs.
When God told Peter to go to Cornelius' house (Acts 10), I'm sure he was concerned about his fellow Jewish brothers back home about what they'd think of him entering the home of a Gentile. But they never saw the vision that God gave Peter - 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean'. Peter saw with his own eyes that salvation has come to those viewed as outcasts and he could not deny what God was doing among them.
Neither can I.
I have seen God moving and stirring in the GLBT community. I have seen fruits of the Spirit among the GLBT faith community - "gay Christians". I have seen them worship and I do not doubt their sincerity. I have also seen that I am not the only one being called in this direction. There are many "straight" pastors being called to GLBT ministry and/or to inclusive ministry. There are many "gay" pastors in non-inclusive ministries being called to be inclusive or to serve at inclusive ministries. They are taking the same "heat" that I am from people who have not seen what we have seen.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
I would suppose that those who don't understand our work assume that if the Lord is here among the GLBT community, then it must be to condemn us. That is not what I have seen. I have seen Him touch lives, restore hope, and cause His fruit to grow in them. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. No where on that list of spiritual fruits was heterosexuality. Rather, God is touching us to love each other more properly.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
Yesterday, there were people who don't understand what I'm called to counsel me with caution and/or redirection. They verbalize love and concern but do not offer it in lifestyle. They have not walked this journey with me. They would rather pass me off to someone else that they feel is "assigned" to walk this with me. They would rather express their concern but remain detached from being a part of the process. But, yesterday, there were also numerous people who do understand what I'm called to and their counsel to me is to proceed and be faithful to it. They verbalize love and concern but also offer a commitment to journey with me.
The caution does not fall on deaf ears. It keeps me alert to be sure of what God is calling me to do and leading me to do. I shall be faithful to it.
Here's the irony of this emotional rollercoaster of a week: I'm concluding this week at a four day conference with the theme of being a "Kingdom Builder". And yes, this conference is hosted by an inclusive ministry.
I've mentioned before that the GLBT faith community ought to move past the advocacy and be leaders in living out our faith in service to the city. The fruit will speak for itself. I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet.
That's precisely what I shall do.
Clearly.
It was a day of being hurt and being comforted, being condemned and being restored, being filled with doubt and being inspired to continue forward. It's incredibly difficult to hear disappointment from those I love, care about, and respect. It's frustrating to be misunderstood - to have my motives and my heart questioned. It's confusing to know how to proceed forward when one part of the Church counsels one thing and another part of the Church counsel something else.
So I woke up this morning with a few guiding questions (remember yesterday's update? - "Let the Questions Drive the Journey"):
What is it that God has called me to do? Who is in alignment with what God has called me to do? What are a few things that I am sure of?
My worlds continue to collide in this "Hot Zone". Those are the questions I'm processing right now to help me figure out what to do next . . . .
I started the day with the Advisory Board to inform them that I was stepping away from the organization so that it can better serve our function of being a bridge builder - to catalyze a dialogue within the Church. I entered the meeting thinking that it would be a dialogue. They were pretty concerned about the path I'm taking - entertaining the notion that Christians can also be gay, and further, that I was living out such a "lifestyle". That meeting was anything but a dialogue. It was more like an intervention. They knew about the "gay" thing and the first red flag when I first walked in the door was the fact that no one offered the usual hugs (except for one handshake from the person that ended up presenting himself most hostile towards me, being the first one to speak out against me).
I'm not a baby Christian. I may have alot to learn in regards to knowledge of Church history, theology, and other intellectual things that make professor/pastor types feel like they have an excuse not to be humble. Sure, i'll admit that i'm naive to some of these things. But I'm not a baby Christian. For 13 1/2 years, i've learned to discern how the Lord speaks to me. For 13 1/2 years, the Lord has prepared and equipped me with past experiences and lessons learned to be able to walk the walk He's called me to. They may not agree with the direction I'm taking for my life but they have not seen or heard what I have discerned from Him. Regardless of how they feel or think about me, I must be faithful to those things that I discern from the Lord. I shall take His correction and counsel and guidance so that I can stay on His path - His Way, not theirs.
When God told Peter to go to Cornelius' house (Acts 10), I'm sure he was concerned about his fellow Jewish brothers back home about what they'd think of him entering the home of a Gentile. But they never saw the vision that God gave Peter - 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean'. Peter saw with his own eyes that salvation has come to those viewed as outcasts and he could not deny what God was doing among them.
Neither can I.
I have seen God moving and stirring in the GLBT community. I have seen fruits of the Spirit among the GLBT faith community - "gay Christians". I have seen them worship and I do not doubt their sincerity. I have also seen that I am not the only one being called in this direction. There are many "straight" pastors being called to GLBT ministry and/or to inclusive ministry. There are many "gay" pastors in non-inclusive ministries being called to be inclusive or to serve at inclusive ministries. They are taking the same "heat" that I am from people who have not seen what we have seen.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
I would suppose that those who don't understand our work assume that if the Lord is here among the GLBT community, then it must be to condemn us. That is not what I have seen. I have seen Him touch lives, restore hope, and cause His fruit to grow in them. Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. No where on that list of spiritual fruits was heterosexuality. Rather, God is touching us to love each other more properly.
The Lord is here. That is the one thing that I am sure of.
Yesterday, there were people who don't understand what I'm called to counsel me with caution and/or redirection. They verbalize love and concern but do not offer it in lifestyle. They have not walked this journey with me. They would rather pass me off to someone else that they feel is "assigned" to walk this with me. They would rather express their concern but remain detached from being a part of the process. But, yesterday, there were also numerous people who do understand what I'm called to and their counsel to me is to proceed and be faithful to it. They verbalize love and concern but also offer a commitment to journey with me.
The caution does not fall on deaf ears. It keeps me alert to be sure of what God is calling me to do and leading me to do. I shall be faithful to it.
Here's the irony of this emotional rollercoaster of a week: I'm concluding this week at a four day conference with the theme of being a "Kingdom Builder". And yes, this conference is hosted by an inclusive ministry.
I've mentioned before that the GLBT faith community ought to move past the advocacy and be leaders in living out our faith in service to the city. The fruit will speak for itself. I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet.
That's precisely what I shall do.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Letter to Advisory Board
Since I recently decided to step away from my public ministry, my ministry partner and I will be meeting with our organization's advisory board to inform them of what's going on. For many of them, it will be their first time knowing about my journey. For others, it will be their first time knowing that i'm gay.
This meeting will take place in roughly six hours from now.
I've had a difficult time this week (emotionally) with the decision. I'm needing time to grieve. On the flip side, God is birthing new vision in me for this other non-profit organization that I'll be establishing. It's been a roller coaster week and I was having a challenging time preparing for this meeting with the advisory board. These are people I love and care about and I fear their rejection. Below is the letter that I have prepared for them . . . .
*****************************************
[Note: the name of the organization and the name of my ministry partner have been omitted. Yes, some parts of this letter sound familiar - i extracted them from recent posts.]
Dear [Organization Name] Advisory Team of Long Beach,
God birthed a vision in [my ministry partner] and I that led to the establishment of [this public ministry]. He divinely teamed us together with complementary strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents equipping us to facilitate the vision of seeing Long Beach transformed as God’s people live out the Great Commission. Together, we have strived to function as a bridge building organization hoping to catalyze the Church in Long Beach towards personal and community transformation. We have invested almost four years into building relationships throughout the city for this purpose.
During this same time period, I have wrestled with the issue of my same sex attractions. I remember having these attractions as early as 8 years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior 13 ½ years ago when I was 16 years old. It’s been a difficult experience for me to live in a world with an obvious public stigma towards gay people. Even more difficult was functioning within the Church that often ignored the issue unless it was condemning it. I learned that the Church was not safe for people like me.
In 2004, [this public ministry] was connecting with numerous prayer intercessors throughout the city. I was a part of several city-wide prayer meetings that often and typically prayed against the homosexual population in Long Beach and the enemy’s “stronghold” over this city in regards to their rebellion. I consistently felt convicted by the Lord regarding two things:
“Why am I praying against a people that I don’t even know?” and “Why am I praying against them when I am one of them?”
I felt that I could not speak these questions publicly to the prayer intercessors because their hostility towards the GLBT community was evident in their prayers against them and I was afraid. These questions led to further questions about the issue, some of which are:
“Why do I believe the things I do about homosexuality? Is it because I really believe it to be true or is it because it was simply the only thing that I was taught?”
In 2005, I began a new kind of wrestling regarding the issue of homosexuality, faith, God, and the Church. I refer to this as “my journey” and started an online journal (also known as a “blog”) called Two World Collision to chronicle my process. This journey of mine began with the desire to “own” what I believe about it being a sin so that I could confidently speak against it. I didn’t want to simply repeat the ideas of others of the same perspective. So on my journey, I chose to take a step back and to take a neutral stance about the issue. I wanted to be informed regarding all perspectives so that I could honestly discern for myself through the Lord’s guidance what I believed.
This journey included reading books and essays, hearing testimonies, examining Scripture, prayer, and interviewing people from three distinct perspectives: Side A, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian in a committed and monogamous context; Side B, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian but should remain celibate; and Side X (a phrase I coined referring to ex-gay ministries), presenting the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian and that transformation of sexuality was necessary.
I entered this journey with [my ministry partner's] full knowledge and support. As I learned about the different perspectives, I was able to process much of my thoughts with him. He walked this journey with me. In this process, I discovered that I no longer held a Side X view regarding this issue. My original intention for this journey was to be able to confidently speak against it but instead I have found resolution in terms of my faith and sexuality. I sincerely believe that the Lord has walked with me on this journey as well and that the Lord has led me to my current Side A perspective.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of [this organization] because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, [the organization] needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. I think that about 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for almost four years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle".
Even though he does not have a Side A view like I do, [my ministry partner] is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in [the organization]. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay and calling myself Christian.
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission in exchange for my own sense of personal justice. I'm not willing to see [my ministry partner] have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed. The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for [the organization], I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue its purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization.
While this is an emotionally difficult decision for me, both [my ministry partner] and I are in agreement that this is the best thing to do. I have a peace about it. From our perspective, it's not a "split". He will continue the work we started together in calling the Church to Kingdom values (including unity) while I will establish another non-profit organization. God is birthing a fresh vision in me for this new organization that will be moving to "catalyze a culture of trust, unity, and life in the GLBT community and the city". Our intention is to preserve an attitude of partnership among the two organizations so that we can work together to bring the GLBT faith community and the mainstream Church together in healthy dialogue.
The reality is that there are people like me – gay and Christian – within our local churches throughout the city. Many of us are Side A, some are Side B, some are Side X, and some are still wrestling through it. However, we have all placed our faith in Jesus Christ and have received His salvation by grace alone. We worship the Lord, serve our neighbors, and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit.
My challenge to this Advisory Team, to [the organization], and to the Church in Long Beach is to call the question:
What do we do with those gay Christians? As the Church, do we acknowledge them as being included with the Family of God or do we disown them from the Family of God and insist in their reorientation?
I encourage you to bring this issue into the “hot zone” – that place of dialogue where homosexuality is no longer the unspeakable topic. I encourage you to stand firmly beside those with whom you are in relationship with. I encourage you to model for the rest of the Church what it looks like to embrace each other despite theological differences of interpretation.
It has been a privilege serving Him along side you.
Blessings,
Eric
**************************************
Let's all hope the meeting goes well . . . .
This meeting will take place in roughly six hours from now.
I've had a difficult time this week (emotionally) with the decision. I'm needing time to grieve. On the flip side, God is birthing new vision in me for this other non-profit organization that I'll be establishing. It's been a roller coaster week and I was having a challenging time preparing for this meeting with the advisory board. These are people I love and care about and I fear their rejection. Below is the letter that I have prepared for them . . . .
*****************************************
[Note: the name of the organization and the name of my ministry partner have been omitted. Yes, some parts of this letter sound familiar - i extracted them from recent posts.]
Dear [Organization Name] Advisory Team of Long Beach,
God birthed a vision in [my ministry partner] and I that led to the establishment of [this public ministry]. He divinely teamed us together with complementary strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents equipping us to facilitate the vision of seeing Long Beach transformed as God’s people live out the Great Commission. Together, we have strived to function as a bridge building organization hoping to catalyze the Church in Long Beach towards personal and community transformation. We have invested almost four years into building relationships throughout the city for this purpose.
During this same time period, I have wrestled with the issue of my same sex attractions. I remember having these attractions as early as 8 years old. I accepted Christ as my Savior 13 ½ years ago when I was 16 years old. It’s been a difficult experience for me to live in a world with an obvious public stigma towards gay people. Even more difficult was functioning within the Church that often ignored the issue unless it was condemning it. I learned that the Church was not safe for people like me.
In 2004, [this public ministry] was connecting with numerous prayer intercessors throughout the city. I was a part of several city-wide prayer meetings that often and typically prayed against the homosexual population in Long Beach and the enemy’s “stronghold” over this city in regards to their rebellion. I consistently felt convicted by the Lord regarding two things:
“Why am I praying against a people that I don’t even know?” and “Why am I praying against them when I am one of them?”
I felt that I could not speak these questions publicly to the prayer intercessors because their hostility towards the GLBT community was evident in their prayers against them and I was afraid. These questions led to further questions about the issue, some of which are:
“Why do I believe the things I do about homosexuality? Is it because I really believe it to be true or is it because it was simply the only thing that I was taught?”
In 2005, I began a new kind of wrestling regarding the issue of homosexuality, faith, God, and the Church. I refer to this as “my journey” and started an online journal (also known as a “blog”) called Two World Collision to chronicle my process. This journey of mine began with the desire to “own” what I believe about it being a sin so that I could confidently speak against it. I didn’t want to simply repeat the ideas of others of the same perspective. So on my journey, I chose to take a step back and to take a neutral stance about the issue. I wanted to be informed regarding all perspectives so that I could honestly discern for myself through the Lord’s guidance what I believed.
This journey included reading books and essays, hearing testimonies, examining Scripture, prayer, and interviewing people from three distinct perspectives: Side A, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian in a committed and monogamous context; Side B, presenting the perspective that one can be both gay and Christian but should remain celibate; and Side X (a phrase I coined referring to ex-gay ministries), presenting the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian and that transformation of sexuality was necessary.
I entered this journey with [my ministry partner's] full knowledge and support. As I learned about the different perspectives, I was able to process much of my thoughts with him. He walked this journey with me. In this process, I discovered that I no longer held a Side X view regarding this issue. My original intention for this journey was to be able to confidently speak against it but instead I have found resolution in terms of my faith and sexuality. I sincerely believe that the Lord has walked with me on this journey as well and that the Lord has led me to my current Side A perspective.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of [this organization] because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, [the organization] needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. I think that about 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for almost four years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle".
Even though he does not have a Side A view like I do, [my ministry partner] is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in [the organization]. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay and calling myself Christian.
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission in exchange for my own sense of personal justice. I'm not willing to see [my ministry partner] have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed. The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for [the organization], I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue its purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization.
While this is an emotionally difficult decision for me, both [my ministry partner] and I are in agreement that this is the best thing to do. I have a peace about it. From our perspective, it's not a "split". He will continue the work we started together in calling the Church to Kingdom values (including unity) while I will establish another non-profit organization. God is birthing a fresh vision in me for this new organization that will be moving to "catalyze a culture of trust, unity, and life in the GLBT community and the city". Our intention is to preserve an attitude of partnership among the two organizations so that we can work together to bring the GLBT faith community and the mainstream Church together in healthy dialogue.
The reality is that there are people like me – gay and Christian – within our local churches throughout the city. Many of us are Side A, some are Side B, some are Side X, and some are still wrestling through it. However, we have all placed our faith in Jesus Christ and have received His salvation by grace alone. We worship the Lord, serve our neighbors, and exhibit the fruits of the Spirit.
My challenge to this Advisory Team, to [the organization], and to the Church in Long Beach is to call the question:
What do we do with those gay Christians? As the Church, do we acknowledge them as being included with the Family of God or do we disown them from the Family of God and insist in their reorientation?
I encourage you to bring this issue into the “hot zone” – that place of dialogue where homosexuality is no longer the unspeakable topic. I encourage you to stand firmly beside those with whom you are in relationship with. I encourage you to model for the rest of the Church what it looks like to embrace each other despite theological differences of interpretation.
It has been a privilege serving Him along side you.
Blessings,
Eric
**************************************
Let's all hope the meeting goes well . . . .
Monday, February 13, 2006
Podcast Interviews
I had the honor of being interviewed by Justin and Brian on GCN Radio's podcast. It was my first podcast interview that i've done so far and I had fun doing it. It's the first episode of their fourth season of broadcasting the show. How awesome, huh? Be sure to check it out at GCN Radio's archive page - it's the February 10th episode. For most of you, you'll get to hear what my voice sounds like! =)
Later this week, i'm scheduled to do another podcast interview with Zeke over at Godscrum. Zeke runs a blog called "One For Truth" and from what I know of him so far, he believes that homosexuality is a sin but thinks that the Church should be demonstrating alot more grace and mercy towards gays than it currently is. He's been keeping up with my journey here at TWC and we've emailed a few times. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop by over at Zeke's and if you'd like, post a question here for him to ask me during the interview. I think his audience is primarily heterosexual. Thanks!
Later this week, i'm scheduled to do another podcast interview with Zeke over at Godscrum. Zeke runs a blog called "One For Truth" and from what I know of him so far, he believes that homosexuality is a sin but thinks that the Church should be demonstrating alot more grace and mercy towards gays than it currently is. He's been keeping up with my journey here at TWC and we've emailed a few times. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop by over at Zeke's and if you'd like, post a question here for him to ask me during the interview. I think his audience is primarily heterosexual. Thanks!
Friday, February 10, 2006
For the Kingdom and For the Baby
We all want to protect our children. At least, I would hope we all do. Our society values the life and safety of kids. If we don't have kids of our own, we are protective of our nieces and nephews. If none of those, then at least the grade school kids playing out during recess must be kept safe. Either way, we guard over our children.
I don't have any kids - yet! I'd sure like to have kids one day. In my immediate family, I've got five nieces and one nephew. I love 'em all! But I have to admit that, as a man, I do not fully comprehend the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising my own children. I may not fully know 'maternal instinct', but I do have an 'uncle's instinct' and I'd die to protect the family's young ones.
However, I do have a kind of 'maternal instinct'. I do know what it's like to be pregnant with an idea, to see that idea birthed into a faith-based non-profit organization (the public ministry that i've referred to in the past), and nurtured it to see it grow and multiply. I know what it's like to clean up after it and change its diapers. I know what it's like to be proud of it. I know what it's like go broke to support it. I know what it's like to lose sleep over it. I know what it's like to love it. I know what it's like to feel like it's a gift from God. I know what it's like to want to protect it with my life when it's threatened. And protecting it is precisely what I was trying to do this week . . . .
My ministry partner and I have been friends for about eight to nine years. We've grown to appreciate a common heart and paradigm for the Church and His Kingdom in the city. About four years ago (this coming May), God began to give us a vision for ministry. We both continued to dialogue about these things that He was placing on both our hearts - God's heart for unity but the Church's current state of division; God's heart for mission but the Church's growing ineffectiveness and irrelevance in the city culture.
Who are we that God would do anything through us?
We were available. For Him. And it's an honor to serve Him in any way. So we began to live out these Kingdom values of unity and mission by building relationships throughout the city with church leaders, business leaders, community leaders, civic leaders, and city officials. And in these relationships, God granted us their favor. Our mission was to catalyze God's people to live out their faith.
God birthed this non-profit organization through my ministry partner and I. We were the co-founders and we treated it like it was our "baby". We are protective of the work we do because so much of it is relationally based. We're not about programs and numbers - rather, our measures of success are increased levels of trust within relationships. If trust can be established through relationship, then partnership can take place and people can begin to function in unity.
One of the reasons why our organization is so dear to my heart is because of what it symbolizes for me and my journey - the fact that God can use a guy like me (gay and all) to accomplish His purposes. It is truly humbling that God would do such things through us. I've made mistakes in my past but this organization symbolizes to me that I am not disqualified for His service - regardless of what the Church may think about me.
But that seemed to be the problem. The Church - at least the mainstream part of it - is primarily still Side X and would not approve of me. Personally, I have resolved that God does approve of me - and even further, qualifies me - but the mainstream Church still takes issue. Whole denominations across the country (and world) are dividing over this issue. As factions take sides, the Church is warring with itself and we're seeing the wreckage of these battles in our families, our communities, our churches, and our cities.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of our organization because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, our organization needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. About 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for over three years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle". Right or wrong, it's true.
My ministry partner is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in our organization. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay (Side A).
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade my own sense of justice for myself in exchange for the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission. I'm not willing to see my ministry partner have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed.
The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for our organization (our "baby"), I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue it's purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization. It's a no-brainer.
How do I feel about all this? You can imagine. I was remembering an old post from way in the beginning . . . "I'm No Superman" - and I've cried this week thinking about the song. I've grieved this week thinking about the reality of not being able to directly be a part of our organization - this thing we did together.
Both my ministry partner and I are in mutual agreement that this is the best decision. I have a peace about it. We are not parting ways like Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41). Rather, he is continuing the work we started with the mainstream faith community while I continue the work with the GLBT faith community. We will continue to interact as we always have - we're friends! - and when the time is strategically right with the relationships we've both developed in each of our spheres, we'll bring them together for that dialogue - the mainstream Church with the GLBT Church - reintroducing siblings who were disowning each other. I believe that Christ will return again - and that He's coming for a Bride, not a harem. Helping the whole Church come together is what this is all about.
What does this mean for me practically? I won't have a job. I'll transition out until the end of March so that others can take over my responsibilities.
What's next? The formal establishment of Two World Collision.
It's a step of faith. But then again, this whole journey has been a walk of faith. Stay tuned!
I don't have any kids - yet! I'd sure like to have kids one day. In my immediate family, I've got five nieces and one nephew. I love 'em all! But I have to admit that, as a man, I do not fully comprehend the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and raising my own children. I may not fully know 'maternal instinct', but I do have an 'uncle's instinct' and I'd die to protect the family's young ones.
However, I do have a kind of 'maternal instinct'. I do know what it's like to be pregnant with an idea, to see that idea birthed into a faith-based non-profit organization (the public ministry that i've referred to in the past), and nurtured it to see it grow and multiply. I know what it's like to clean up after it and change its diapers. I know what it's like to be proud of it. I know what it's like go broke to support it. I know what it's like to lose sleep over it. I know what it's like to love it. I know what it's like to feel like it's a gift from God. I know what it's like to want to protect it with my life when it's threatened. And protecting it is precisely what I was trying to do this week . . . .
My ministry partner and I have been friends for about eight to nine years. We've grown to appreciate a common heart and paradigm for the Church and His Kingdom in the city. About four years ago (this coming May), God began to give us a vision for ministry. We both continued to dialogue about these things that He was placing on both our hearts - God's heart for unity but the Church's current state of division; God's heart for mission but the Church's growing ineffectiveness and irrelevance in the city culture.
Who are we that God would do anything through us?
We were available. For Him. And it's an honor to serve Him in any way. So we began to live out these Kingdom values of unity and mission by building relationships throughout the city with church leaders, business leaders, community leaders, civic leaders, and city officials. And in these relationships, God granted us their favor. Our mission was to catalyze God's people to live out their faith.
God birthed this non-profit organization through my ministry partner and I. We were the co-founders and we treated it like it was our "baby". We are protective of the work we do because so much of it is relationally based. We're not about programs and numbers - rather, our measures of success are increased levels of trust within relationships. If trust can be established through relationship, then partnership can take place and people can begin to function in unity.
One of the reasons why our organization is so dear to my heart is because of what it symbolizes for me and my journey - the fact that God can use a guy like me (gay and all) to accomplish His purposes. It is truly humbling that God would do such things through us. I've made mistakes in my past but this organization symbolizes to me that I am not disqualified for His service - regardless of what the Church may think about me.
But that seemed to be the problem. The Church - at least the mainstream part of it - is primarily still Side X and would not approve of me. Personally, I have resolved that God does approve of me - and even further, qualifies me - but the mainstream Church still takes issue. Whole denominations across the country (and world) are dividing over this issue. As factions take sides, the Church is warring with itself and we're seeing the wreckage of these battles in our families, our communities, our churches, and our cities.
Early on in my journey, it was still pretty safe to be part of our organization because I was simply "wrestling" with the issue. But now that I have found resolution in myself being both gay and Christian and have even started "dating", it complicates things a bit for the organization. The purpose of our organization is to be a bridge builder. One of our hopes is to catalyze the Church in the "hot zone" - to stimulate the Church to dialogue about the issue of faith and homosexuality and answering the question . . . .
What do we do with those gay Christians?
In order to do this, our organization needs to be neutral and it needs to be strategic in the timing of these dialogues. My presence in the organization hinders this because of the Church's historical nature of responding with irrational hostility. About 75% of our relational networks - the relationships that we've invested in building for over three years - would disassociate from us simply knowing about me and my "lifestyle". Right or wrong, it's true.
My ministry partner is fully willing to go down this road with me. He'd be ready to "take the hits" in his relationships and in our organization. We trust each other and he honors me in his willingness to stand by my side through the fallout when people begin to discover that I'm openly gay (Side A).
He's willing. I'm not.
I'm not willing to have the organization take the hits of controversy. I'm not willing to trade my own sense of justice for myself in exchange for the organization's ability to continue its work towards unity and mission. I'm not willing to see my ministry partner have his relationships with the pastors of the city sacrificed.
The work of the Kingdom trumps my own personal justice. The dialogue within the Church about the issue of gay Christians is more important than what people think of me. And so, for the sake of the Kingdom and for our organization (our "baby"), I will be the one to "take the hit". I've decided to step away from the organization so that it can continue it's purpose without the controversy of me. The dialogue can happen more effectively if I'm not a part of the organization. It's a no-brainer.
How do I feel about all this? You can imagine. I was remembering an old post from way in the beginning . . . "I'm No Superman" - and I've cried this week thinking about the song. I've grieved this week thinking about the reality of not being able to directly be a part of our organization - this thing we did together.
Both my ministry partner and I are in mutual agreement that this is the best decision. I have a peace about it. We are not parting ways like Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41). Rather, he is continuing the work we started with the mainstream faith community while I continue the work with the GLBT faith community. We will continue to interact as we always have - we're friends! - and when the time is strategically right with the relationships we've both developed in each of our spheres, we'll bring them together for that dialogue - the mainstream Church with the GLBT Church - reintroducing siblings who were disowning each other. I believe that Christ will return again - and that He's coming for a Bride, not a harem. Helping the whole Church come together is what this is all about.
What does this mean for me practically? I won't have a job. I'll transition out until the end of March so that others can take over my responsibilities.
What's next? The formal establishment of Two World Collision.
It's a step of faith. But then again, this whole journey has been a walk of faith. Stay tuned!
Friday, February 03, 2006
A Relationship Dynamic With Mr. Right
So I’ve been seeing someone.
About two months ago, I allowed myself to start “dating”. Several months before that, I had been wrestling with the concept of being both gay and Christian, and now I’m much more comfortable with the person I am - a Christ-centered gay guy who is simply trying to love God and others more properly. Part of this dynamic includes the prospect of entering into a romantic relationship.
As I’m becoming more and more familiar with the gay culture, I’m discovering that physical affection and even sexual connection is not uncommon early on in the get-to-know-you process. Is that what I’m wanting? I’ll admit that, having done my time in the closet, I do long for a certain kind of touch from another guy. But does accepting myself as a gay man mean that it’s okay for me to be a part of that gay culture that seems so liberal with physical and sexual intimacy? Do I have to redefine my values based on what is common among other gay men in “relationships”?
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to go on dates with another guy and pursue a potential romance so I realize that I’ve got a lot to learn about dating and relationships. I’ve talked before about “Mr. Right” and the kind of guy I’m looking for. But in this process, I’m learning a lot more of what I’m wanting in a relationship . . . .
We haven’t defined anything yet between the two of us. We don’t consider ourselves “in a relationship” with each other. We’re simply “seeing each other”. We’re getting to know each other. We’re going on dates. But it’s also okay for either of us to go on dates with other people. We’re not exclusive.
Sometime during the first week of seeing each other, we had the talk about “sex”. Maybe it was a newbie mistake, breaking some kind of “Do’s and Don’ts” dating rules, but I wanted to get it out on the table right from the very beginning. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex - at least, not right now. Fortunately, that conversation went off well because the feeling was mutual. Now, don’t get me wrong. The physical attraction was definitely mutual. But we both are looking for something of substance. He’s been with guys before and he’s communicated to me that he’s not looking for a “quickie” or something “casual”. I’ve had one night stands before and I’m not looking for another connection that will just leave me feeling guilty afterwards. I’m looking for something that can last - something with a foundation - and I don’t want sex to screw that up or confuse things (or even complicate things).
It’s actually been good getting to know each other and knowing that we are both on the same page in regards to sex between the two of us. But it does get difficult at times. Temptation. Argh! There are definitely times when we are together and we get a bit “touchy”. We’ve been physically affectionate but we’ve never crossed that established boundary of sex that we both agreed upon. I don’t feel guilty about the physical affection. But I do find myself wondering if the degree of physical affection is consistent with how much we know each other thus far.
When is it okay for us to kiss? When is it okay for us to “make out”? When is it okay for us to hold hands in public? When is it okay for us to place a hand on the other’s knee? When is it okay for us to cuddle? When is it okay for us to give each other massages? When is it okay for us to share a bed (without having sex)? When is it okay for us to have sex?
A part of me wants to just allow things to develop naturally and not jinx the potential relationship with a pre-set timeline of physical milestones. But I do think that I’d like the natural progression of physical intimacy to be consistent with our “knowledge of each other”. I’m not referring to simple facts about each other’s history. But I guess I’m looking for a relationship where the other guy “knows” me. I want him to gradually get to know things about me that I may not necessarily share with him specifically - things like my idiosyncrasies, my catch phrases, my facial expressions when I’m happy or sad or mellow or excited. I want him to get to know what I value or what I’m passionate about based on his observations of my life. As we get to know each other, I want our physical intimacy to match.
Is it right for us to be familiar with certain body parts before being familiar with each other's family members?
As it is now, we are still just getting to know each other and we are still both open to allowing ourselves to get to know other people too. We are not yet at a point of commitment. So should we be non-sexually physically affectionate at this stage of our interaction with each other? If yes, then to what degree?
We’ve already had this conversation with each other - we’re both on the same page regarding these things (I hope! - he reads this blog. Am I making another newbie mistake right now? Sorry, just remember this . . . ). So while we have set a boundary in regards to sex with each other, there’s also a mutual understanding that we don’t want to allow things to get more affectionate beyond what seems to match our current state of non-physical connection.
Is this making sense? Am I rambling? Perhaps . . . .
The other thing that I was thinking about was what I am wanting in a relationship. Besides knowing the kind of guy that I want to be with, I’m learning that there’s also a certain dynamic that I’m wanting in a relationship.
I want a relationship with passion - not just that both of us have passion about life or even that both of us have things that we are passionate about. In a relationship, I want our passions to complement each other. We don’t necessarily have to have the same passions, but I want a relationship where his passions stimulate my passions. I want a relationship where we both encourage each other to live out those passions and that doing that isn’t a distraction from the relationship. Rather, encouraging each other to live out our passions is an extension of our relationship.
I want a relationship with life. I’m not so naïve to think that the “honeymoon” stage never wears off. I know that it does. But I want a relationship that is more than simply reporting in to each other what we did during our day. I want a relationship where we can naturally unpack how we felt about things that happened in our day. I want to be able to communicate with each other how life has affected us. In doing this together, I want a relationship where we are living out life together.
I want a relationship with flavor. I want us to affect one another. I want to grow and to be challenged to be better - I want this to be a fruit of our relationship. I want to be stimulated to think differently about the world. I want to be encouraged to evaluate and assess my motives and my actions without a sense of condemnation. I want to learn from his strengths and I want him to learn from mine.
Maybe saying that I want these things reveals that I actually am naïve regarding relationships. I don’t know if these things are realistic. Maybe I’ll post a year from now laughing at myself for wanting a relationship with passion, life and flavor. But for now, I think it’s okay to want a certain kind of dynamic in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship that simply goes through the motions. I want a relationship that is driven forward - I want a relationship where we are both moving somewhere, together.
I know I’m going to meet a lot of different kinds of guys - some with certain values, some with certain personalities. But as I allow myself to date and allow for the possibility of a romance to develop, I’m not so concerned about what either of us can “give” to each other in the relationship or even what either of us are “getting” from each other in the relationship. What I’m more concerned about is the person we each are “becoming” because of that relationship with each other.
My Mr. Right becomes Mr. Right (for me) when he also becomes willing to work towards a relationship dynamic like this one. That’s someone I can share the rest of my life with.
About two months ago, I allowed myself to start “dating”. Several months before that, I had been wrestling with the concept of being both gay and Christian, and now I’m much more comfortable with the person I am - a Christ-centered gay guy who is simply trying to love God and others more properly. Part of this dynamic includes the prospect of entering into a romantic relationship.
As I’m becoming more and more familiar with the gay culture, I’m discovering that physical affection and even sexual connection is not uncommon early on in the get-to-know-you process. Is that what I’m wanting? I’ll admit that, having done my time in the closet, I do long for a certain kind of touch from another guy. But does accepting myself as a gay man mean that it’s okay for me to be a part of that gay culture that seems so liberal with physical and sexual intimacy? Do I have to redefine my values based on what is common among other gay men in “relationships”?
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to go on dates with another guy and pursue a potential romance so I realize that I’ve got a lot to learn about dating and relationships. I’ve talked before about “Mr. Right” and the kind of guy I’m looking for. But in this process, I’m learning a lot more of what I’m wanting in a relationship . . . .
We haven’t defined anything yet between the two of us. We don’t consider ourselves “in a relationship” with each other. We’re simply “seeing each other”. We’re getting to know each other. We’re going on dates. But it’s also okay for either of us to go on dates with other people. We’re not exclusive.
Sometime during the first week of seeing each other, we had the talk about “sex”. Maybe it was a newbie mistake, breaking some kind of “Do’s and Don’ts” dating rules, but I wanted to get it out on the table right from the very beginning. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex - at least, not right now. Fortunately, that conversation went off well because the feeling was mutual. Now, don’t get me wrong. The physical attraction was definitely mutual. But we both are looking for something of substance. He’s been with guys before and he’s communicated to me that he’s not looking for a “quickie” or something “casual”. I’ve had one night stands before and I’m not looking for another connection that will just leave me feeling guilty afterwards. I’m looking for something that can last - something with a foundation - and I don’t want sex to screw that up or confuse things (or even complicate things).
It’s actually been good getting to know each other and knowing that we are both on the same page in regards to sex between the two of us. But it does get difficult at times. Temptation. Argh! There are definitely times when we are together and we get a bit “touchy”. We’ve been physically affectionate but we’ve never crossed that established boundary of sex that we both agreed upon. I don’t feel guilty about the physical affection. But I do find myself wondering if the degree of physical affection is consistent with how much we know each other thus far.
When is it okay for us to kiss? When is it okay for us to “make out”? When is it okay for us to hold hands in public? When is it okay for us to place a hand on the other’s knee? When is it okay for us to cuddle? When is it okay for us to give each other massages? When is it okay for us to share a bed (without having sex)? When is it okay for us to have sex?
A part of me wants to just allow things to develop naturally and not jinx the potential relationship with a pre-set timeline of physical milestones. But I do think that I’d like the natural progression of physical intimacy to be consistent with our “knowledge of each other”. I’m not referring to simple facts about each other’s history. But I guess I’m looking for a relationship where the other guy “knows” me. I want him to gradually get to know things about me that I may not necessarily share with him specifically - things like my idiosyncrasies, my catch phrases, my facial expressions when I’m happy or sad or mellow or excited. I want him to get to know what I value or what I’m passionate about based on his observations of my life. As we get to know each other, I want our physical intimacy to match.
Is it right for us to be familiar with certain body parts before being familiar with each other's family members?
As it is now, we are still just getting to know each other and we are still both open to allowing ourselves to get to know other people too. We are not yet at a point of commitment. So should we be non-sexually physically affectionate at this stage of our interaction with each other? If yes, then to what degree?
We’ve already had this conversation with each other - we’re both on the same page regarding these things (I hope! - he reads this blog. Am I making another newbie mistake right now? Sorry, just remember this . . . ). So while we have set a boundary in regards to sex with each other, there’s also a mutual understanding that we don’t want to allow things to get more affectionate beyond what seems to match our current state of non-physical connection.
Is this making sense? Am I rambling? Perhaps . . . .
The other thing that I was thinking about was what I am wanting in a relationship. Besides knowing the kind of guy that I want to be with, I’m learning that there’s also a certain dynamic that I’m wanting in a relationship.
I want a relationship with passion - not just that both of us have passion about life or even that both of us have things that we are passionate about. In a relationship, I want our passions to complement each other. We don’t necessarily have to have the same passions, but I want a relationship where his passions stimulate my passions. I want a relationship where we both encourage each other to live out those passions and that doing that isn’t a distraction from the relationship. Rather, encouraging each other to live out our passions is an extension of our relationship.
I want a relationship with life. I’m not so naïve to think that the “honeymoon” stage never wears off. I know that it does. But I want a relationship that is more than simply reporting in to each other what we did during our day. I want a relationship where we can naturally unpack how we felt about things that happened in our day. I want to be able to communicate with each other how life has affected us. In doing this together, I want a relationship where we are living out life together.
I want a relationship with flavor. I want us to affect one another. I want to grow and to be challenged to be better - I want this to be a fruit of our relationship. I want to be stimulated to think differently about the world. I want to be encouraged to evaluate and assess my motives and my actions without a sense of condemnation. I want to learn from his strengths and I want him to learn from mine.
Maybe saying that I want these things reveals that I actually am naïve regarding relationships. I don’t know if these things are realistic. Maybe I’ll post a year from now laughing at myself for wanting a relationship with passion, life and flavor. But for now, I think it’s okay to want a certain kind of dynamic in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship that simply goes through the motions. I want a relationship that is driven forward - I want a relationship where we are both moving somewhere, together.
I know I’m going to meet a lot of different kinds of guys - some with certain values, some with certain personalities. But as I allow myself to date and allow for the possibility of a romance to develop, I’m not so concerned about what either of us can “give” to each other in the relationship or even what either of us are “getting” from each other in the relationship. What I’m more concerned about is the person we each are “becoming” because of that relationship with each other.
My Mr. Right becomes Mr. Right (for me) when he also becomes willing to work towards a relationship dynamic like this one. That’s someone I can share the rest of my life with.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
thECable
I'm honored to have one of my blog essays published in the recent quarterly newsletter for Evangelicals Concerned Western Region. It's from my post "Embracing A Different Gospel" and is featured on page 1! It indicates my alias last name ("Johnson") on the byline.
The newsletter is called thECable and the paper version is mailed out to its members. You can view the PDF version by clicking the link below:
thECable - Winter 2005-06 Newsletter
The newsletter is called thECable and the paper version is mailed out to its members. You can view the PDF version by clicking the link below:
thECable - Winter 2005-06 Newsletter
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Agree To Disagree
So i've made a few references here and there about this event that i'm a part of putting on. It's kind of like a conference except it's alot more interactive among the participants. The focus is on looking for indications of hope and life in the city of Los Angeles. We're bringing together different sectors of the city as well as different theological streams of the Church. This is something that is put on in several other major cities around the world and the planning teams typically have 1-2 years to plan ahead of time.
We were given two months.
It's been an exciting journey. In planning for this event, worlds constantly collided - anywhere from clashes between theological perspectives, issues regarding the whole gay Christian thing, differences in worship expressions, leadership styles, organizational styles, and even personalities. In the midst of all this clash, I have witnessed God redeeming relationships and situations. I mention all this because we are currently having the event right now - this weekend. My responsibility for the event is to manage all of the logistics and so I happen to have some down time allowing me to write and process recent events . . . .
All of us are pretty exhausted though - emotionally, physically, mentally, even a bit spiritually. I'll be looking forward to taking a couple days off.
One of the major issues that came up during the past two months was that the original location for this event was going to be hosted at a church in Los Angeles that is known to be gay-affirming and has a gay pastor. That raised a red flag in several people and so a decision was made (without discussion) to change the location. This is what I articulated in "Profoundly Offended". Since then, the team met through the Christmas and New Year holidays, wrestled over the issue together and we were able to form a kind of bond with each other while being able to move forward. We learned how to work together even though we may disagree on certain things. The location of where the event is hosted now has worked out pretty well.
A couple weeks ago, I talked about how "Some People Make Me Vomit". This was when some people voiced strong opposition to praying with certain other types of people. Literally, they were not wanting to pray in the same room as "them". At first, the main issue was that they didn't want to pray with people who believed that "homosexuality" was okay. (They were connected with alot of the drama that was happening with the split in the Episcopal Church USA with some of their churches disaffiliating and realigning under the covering of some African Anglican bishops because the American Episcopal Church was allowing gay and lesbian clergy.) So at first, it was a gay issue (even though they say it's a "Truth of Scripture" issue but I say it's an "Interpretation of Truth of Scripture" issue). Whatever. After a lot of conversations and wrestling, they ended up quitting from the prayer team which I felt pretty bitter about because they hindered my efforts and stimulated a divisive attitude towards an event that is meant for unity.
Even through some rather difficult times of trying to figure out how we can function together and even trust each other, we've all been committed to what we're trying to do in this event - which is to identify signs of hope in the city. God redeemed alot of the conflict by bringing about unity among us. This "unity" doesn't necessarily mean that we all agree. It just means that we all have acknowledged our common bond of Christ and our common heart for the city. In this way we have agreed to disagree. In other words, it's okay that we disagree about some things. As long as we remain committed to the cause - the cause of Christ and His will for the Kingdom in our city.
We've partnered with several seminaries, colleges, and universities who are offering their students class credit for registering and being a part of this event. In addition, there are pastors, church leaders, non-profit leaders, business leaders, civic leaders, professors, and even authors that are participating in this event.
Yesterday morning and afternoon was the class portion for the registered students. Then last night began the weekend event for all of the participants. From a logistical point of view, everything ran smoothly! In fact, it was odd. I've organized and planned many events and last night ran extraordinarily smooth. We stayed on schedule - everything was on-time! It was great. I heard some good feedback from participants who found the first night to be very insightful.
*whew!*
Today was a bit more hectic because we had a tight schedule. In the morning, we had 7 panelists comprising of two elected officials, a faith-based community leader, two non-profit leaders, a business leader, and a school psychiatric/social worker. All have had some kind of impact in Los Angeles and so hearing each of their different perspectives regarding the city and where the signs of hope are was very interesting.
A small snag that we hit, behind the scenes, was that the lunch caterer came 45 minutes late which increased a bit of the stress level. An interesting moment that I had was sensing from the Lord telling me to ask the two individuals (who I mentioned before that quit the prayer team - the ones who made me vomit) to pray. They agreed to pray. When the caterer finally arrived, it gave us only 15 minutes until the scheduled lunch time. We had an army of people ready and waiting for them to arrive, so when they finally came, they all worked together to get it all done. Lunch was ready only 5 minutes after our scheduled time.
Having lunch ready was significant because of what was happening next. All the teams were placed in five groups who went out into Los Angeles to visit 3-4 sites where people and/or organizations were working to serve their community. The goal was to actually see, hear, touch, and smell what God is doing out there in the city - outside of the church walls. The key here, too, was that they all took public mass transportation. That's why lunch being on time was important because we were worried about one of the groups missing their bus. Anyway, many of the people have been saying that the experience of mass transit in visiting these sites has added value to what they are witnessing. My buddy is on one of the teams and he shared with me that it was incredible to see Skid Row with his own eyes and to interact with people in his group.
So that's what's going on right now. All the participants are out in the city and I'm here in the command center in case anyone encounters any problems or emergencies. Since everyone has been making their buses on time and making it to their sites, I haven't had much to do - thus, the free time to blog! =)
Tonight, everyone will come back as a group to debrief their experience. Tomorrow, everyone is going on church visits - going to churches of varying denominational and worship expressions. Sunday afternoon, after lunch, they'll return here again to debrief their experience visiting the different churches and to talk about what they all have seen and observed throughout the weekend. Then we'll follow up with a time of discerning how we each should respond locally to what was seen.
The goal for all this is to stimulate ongoing relationships and ongoing conversations. We are all seeing signs of hope in the midst of geographic, ethnic, theological, age, and gender diversity. It's amazing! Let's hope and pray that God continues to open the eyes of His Church in the city and to prompt us all to respond to His Spirit!
We were given two months.
It's been an exciting journey. In planning for this event, worlds constantly collided - anywhere from clashes between theological perspectives, issues regarding the whole gay Christian thing, differences in worship expressions, leadership styles, organizational styles, and even personalities. In the midst of all this clash, I have witnessed God redeeming relationships and situations. I mention all this because we are currently having the event right now - this weekend. My responsibility for the event is to manage all of the logistics and so I happen to have some down time allowing me to write and process recent events . . . .
All of us are pretty exhausted though - emotionally, physically, mentally, even a bit spiritually. I'll be looking forward to taking a couple days off.
One of the major issues that came up during the past two months was that the original location for this event was going to be hosted at a church in Los Angeles that is known to be gay-affirming and has a gay pastor. That raised a red flag in several people and so a decision was made (without discussion) to change the location. This is what I articulated in "Profoundly Offended". Since then, the team met through the Christmas and New Year holidays, wrestled over the issue together and we were able to form a kind of bond with each other while being able to move forward. We learned how to work together even though we may disagree on certain things. The location of where the event is hosted now has worked out pretty well.
A couple weeks ago, I talked about how "Some People Make Me Vomit". This was when some people voiced strong opposition to praying with certain other types of people. Literally, they were not wanting to pray in the same room as "them". At first, the main issue was that they didn't want to pray with people who believed that "homosexuality" was okay. (They were connected with alot of the drama that was happening with the split in the Episcopal Church USA with some of their churches disaffiliating and realigning under the covering of some African Anglican bishops because the American Episcopal Church was allowing gay and lesbian clergy.) So at first, it was a gay issue (even though they say it's a "Truth of Scripture" issue but I say it's an "Interpretation of Truth of Scripture" issue). Whatever. After a lot of conversations and wrestling, they ended up quitting from the prayer team which I felt pretty bitter about because they hindered my efforts and stimulated a divisive attitude towards an event that is meant for unity.
Even through some rather difficult times of trying to figure out how we can function together and even trust each other, we've all been committed to what we're trying to do in this event - which is to identify signs of hope in the city. God redeemed alot of the conflict by bringing about unity among us. This "unity" doesn't necessarily mean that we all agree. It just means that we all have acknowledged our common bond of Christ and our common heart for the city. In this way we have agreed to disagree. In other words, it's okay that we disagree about some things. As long as we remain committed to the cause - the cause of Christ and His will for the Kingdom in our city.
We've partnered with several seminaries, colleges, and universities who are offering their students class credit for registering and being a part of this event. In addition, there are pastors, church leaders, non-profit leaders, business leaders, civic leaders, professors, and even authors that are participating in this event.
Yesterday morning and afternoon was the class portion for the registered students. Then last night began the weekend event for all of the participants. From a logistical point of view, everything ran smoothly! In fact, it was odd. I've organized and planned many events and last night ran extraordinarily smooth. We stayed on schedule - everything was on-time! It was great. I heard some good feedback from participants who found the first night to be very insightful.
*whew!*
Today was a bit more hectic because we had a tight schedule. In the morning, we had 7 panelists comprising of two elected officials, a faith-based community leader, two non-profit leaders, a business leader, and a school psychiatric/social worker. All have had some kind of impact in Los Angeles and so hearing each of their different perspectives regarding the city and where the signs of hope are was very interesting.
A small snag that we hit, behind the scenes, was that the lunch caterer came 45 minutes late which increased a bit of the stress level. An interesting moment that I had was sensing from the Lord telling me to ask the two individuals (who I mentioned before that quit the prayer team - the ones who made me vomit) to pray. They agreed to pray. When the caterer finally arrived, it gave us only 15 minutes until the scheduled lunch time. We had an army of people ready and waiting for them to arrive, so when they finally came, they all worked together to get it all done. Lunch was ready only 5 minutes after our scheduled time.
Having lunch ready was significant because of what was happening next. All the teams were placed in five groups who went out into Los Angeles to visit 3-4 sites where people and/or organizations were working to serve their community. The goal was to actually see, hear, touch, and smell what God is doing out there in the city - outside of the church walls. The key here, too, was that they all took public mass transportation. That's why lunch being on time was important because we were worried about one of the groups missing their bus. Anyway, many of the people have been saying that the experience of mass transit in visiting these sites has added value to what they are witnessing. My buddy is on one of the teams and he shared with me that it was incredible to see Skid Row with his own eyes and to interact with people in his group.
So that's what's going on right now. All the participants are out in the city and I'm here in the command center in case anyone encounters any problems or emergencies. Since everyone has been making their buses on time and making it to their sites, I haven't had much to do - thus, the free time to blog! =)
Tonight, everyone will come back as a group to debrief their experience. Tomorrow, everyone is going on church visits - going to churches of varying denominational and worship expressions. Sunday afternoon, after lunch, they'll return here again to debrief their experience visiting the different churches and to talk about what they all have seen and observed throughout the weekend. Then we'll follow up with a time of discerning how we each should respond locally to what was seen.
The goal for all this is to stimulate ongoing relationships and ongoing conversations. We are all seeing signs of hope in the midst of geographic, ethnic, theological, age, and gender diversity. It's amazing! Let's hope and pray that God continues to open the eyes of His Church in the city and to prompt us all to respond to His Spirit!
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Sankofa (Part Four)
**Sankofa is a four part series looking backward so that I can move forward. Be sure to read Sankofa (Part Three) to see how I've been journeying through what it looks like to be both gay and Christian. Now, we've come to the final part of this series - examining the direction that I've been sensing the Lord leading me . . . .
Years ago, I used to teach in Bible studies that God would use a person's greatest weaknesses to reveal His strengths through that person. I believed that. Sort of. That is, I believed that it was true for those people in the Bible studies I was teaching - but not for me. Definitely not for me. My weaknesses? That's practically . . . . unbelieveable. There's no way!
My greatest weaknesses were my gayness and my disconnectedness. Keep in mind, this was years ago - back when I was way way Side X. For God to use my weaknesses, they would have to be made known. And with me being in the dark and lonely closet, that was not going to happen!
I've always known God to have an odd sense of humor. The way He pin points the things I'm most afraid of and then uses me to minister on His behalf in that area. I'd almost say it's kind of cruel if I didn't know through first hand experience how much He really loves me and would never do something like that as a mere joke for the heavenlies. Nah . . . . I know better than that.
So now, I'm seeing Him do it again. He's using the fact that I'm gay and that I've always felt disconnected from people, family, the Church, the world - leading me to a place of personal resolution and connection so that I can help others going through a similar journey - leading me to a place of being a herald for God's people to live a lifestyle of faith . . . .
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
It's a battle, isn't it? This struggle for justice - equality for GLBT individuals in our society and in our Church. Differences in theologies mixed with social stigma keeps people like us marginalized, even silenced. All of our efforts to live a public life are labeled an "agenda". We have parades and TV shows and 'out' celebrities to pave the way for dialogue - hoping that, slowly but surely, society and culture will shift and change to eventually and inevitably accept us.
Is it enough? What will it take for us to see change? What do we need to do to stimulate the unstoppable revolution that will bear the same kind of fruit for GLBT acceptance that the Civil Rights Movement bore for ethnic minorities?
I do not want to wave a rainbow flag!
This is not the cause I signed up for! As a believer in Christ, He is my cause. My cause is to love Him more properly. My cause is to love other people more properly. My cause is to inspire others to do the same. These are our two greatest commandments and our Great Commission.
That is my agenda.
If we are going to move forward, insisting to our society and our Church that we are accepted by God through faith in Christ, then we must move beyond simply proclaiming it. We must function as if we have already been accepted by God. I agree with GCB that "we simply have to start living what we desire". As the GLBT faith community, we need to start demonstrating God-given leadership within His Church. Just like the GLBT community, the Church as a whole has also been marginalized - even silenced - to where we no longer shape our society. Rather, we are merely reacting to society. We have lost our effectiveness. We need to be salt once again - flavoring the world around us so that Christ's love is revealed. That love will shape relationships that will, in turn, shape our neighborhoods and communities. The Church needs leaders and I think that we are the ones who should step up and fill the gap.
God has fully empowered us to accomplish His will. We don't need to fight for the right to be a part of it. We already are! So we can't legally be married and be acknowledged in all states. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to love each other properly. So we can't legally get full insurance benefits and privileges that heterosexual married couples enjoy. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to support one another (and even more so, as a community). What if we entrust these "issues" to God and focussed our energies on the things in this world that God talked about constantly - the poor, the sick, and the elderly?
What if the GLBT faith community led the way of serving those in poverty, ministering to the sick, and caring for our seniors? What if we supported the ONE campaign? (I've got my bracelet! Do you?) What if we lived out our faith in such a way that our servanthood revealed our leadership rather than us waiting for the Church to acknowledge our right to be leaders? Perhaps the GLBT faith community can set a positive example for the broader GLBT community by demonstrating what genuine healthy platonic same gender friendships looked like. What if we called on our community to uphold a value of respect, love, commitment, faithfulness, and monogamy? What if we inspired people to love properly?
We need to be the ones who serve as the role models for young GLBT people newly "out" to themselves and the world. We need to be the ones to show them that they don't have to have the old typical "coming out" experience of exploring newfound freedom. We ought to introduce them to the freedom we have in Christ - to love properly, healthy, and respectfully other people of the same gender.
A couple weeks ago, a woman shared during a service that she heard a song on the radio and decided that she wanted to learn how to play it. So she took the time to learn the song, practice it, and played it for all of us. We need to do the same thing. Jesus modeled for us the Kingdom values. He showed us what it looked like to love the outcasts. He showed us what it looked like to pray to the Father for each other. He showed us what it looked like to serve those in need. He showed us what it looked like to bless those who were formerly cursed. He played an awesome song for us. Let's learn how to play it! Let's live out a lifestyle of faith that affects every person we interact with.
Over the past several weeks, I've been seeking the Lord what He wanted of me through this whole Two World Collision thing. It was clear to me that this blog was meant to be a tool to help me and you process - something that would inspire us both to a lifestyle of faith. So He's placed several other things on my heart - a ministry for serving the colliding worlds of church paradigms and sexuality.
We'll see how this all evolves. For now, I think He's given me direction - a vision - to catalyze a culture of trust and unity among the GLBT faith community and the broader Church by inspiring them to live out their faith.
What will this look like? I'm excited to see what's ahead. In the mean time, i'd like to start moving towards the following objectives:
Personal Coaching and Scholarships
I'd like to provide personal coaching for others struggling with the conflict between their faith and their sexuality. I'd like to be a part of helping these loved ones along that journey of seeking Christ personally for the answers. I don't want to be the one to necessarily give them the answers. I want to stimulate them with the right questions. Even the ones that question the old answers. I trust Jesus enough to guide them with the peace, resolution, and even answers.
I'd also like to partner with other personal coaches who will journey with these loved ones. This personal coaching can take the form of personal phone calls, emails, instant messages, or even personal visits. I'd even like to travel across cities, states, or the nation for week long coaching. Instead of them going somewhere foreign for help, I'd like to go to them - the place where they have to live this all out. I'd like to be able to give them an opportunity to talk with a person face to face about the things they are terrified to say to anyone in the Church. I'd like to allow them to ask their questions and to start their journey of exploring those questions with Christ. If it's fitting, i'd like to be able to accompany a person as they try to talk with a family member or pastor about their sexuality and faith journey - hopefully enlisting their support. I'd like to be able to give them resources (Side A, Side B, and Side X) and allow them to discern for themselves with the Lord what they believe.
I'd like to offer $250 or $500 scholarships to some of these loved ones so that they can cover the registration and travel expenses to attend gay Christian conferences that are happening around the nation. What if individuals and businesses partnered together to sponsor one of them? What if we could get grants to help fund these scholarships?
New Ministry Empowerment
I would like to empower the emerging leaders of the GLBT faith community who have been inspired by God to initiate certain ministries. I'd like to assist those who want to start up gay student ministries (GSM's) on campuses, working in partnership with gay straight alliances (GSA's). I'd like to assist those who want to start ministries in their city to help coach young GLBT teens in their "coming out" process. GCB has an awesome vision for GLBT people leading the way in helping people to find "alternative environments of safety, protection, love, and acceptance". He talks about safe houses and shelters for those escaping abusive families or partners. He talks about programs to assist GLBT youth go to college. I want to empower people who have a heart for making these kinds of things happen by helping to inspire them, resource them, equip them, and help them to connect with others who can help them develop their ministry.
I believe that we must value each other's unique call and mission for ministry. Two World Collision alone cannot sustain a revolution. We all have a dream to see these kinds of things happen. But when each of us die, the vision of what we personally saw also dies. Therefore, I want to empower others who will seek to be inspired by God for their own similar vision and who will work towards accomplishing it. In this way, the dream lives on without me as God continues to inspire people with ways of connecting with their communities. Then, i'd like to see each of these new ministries networked together in partnership - sharing each other's support, encouragement, and resources. This is what will stimulate an uncontainable revolution of GLBT people living out their faith.
GLBT Faith Leaders Retreat
I would like to provide a retreat for ministry and organization leaders of the GLBT faith community to give them a context of renewal and connection. I want to serve these leaders by helping them to get away from the busyness of their operations. I want to encourage them to rest and be ministered to. I also want to help provide a context for them to connect with other leaders for mutual support and encouragement. I know how lonely it can be to be the sole leader in a ministry. I know how frustrating it can be to not have the time to brainstorm fresh thoughts and insights because of the day to day operations of the work. I want to help these leaders inspire each other - to offer ideas, experience, questions, and prayer for each other.
Church Leaders Round Table
As I establish and nurture relationships within my city (or others), I want to bring them together for dialogue. In the past, I've defined the "hot zone" as the place where homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the "unspeakable" topic. I want to bring together pastors and leaders of mainstream churches with pastors and leaders of inclusive churches for "transformational conversations that point to reconciliation" (as Zalm describes it). I suspect that this will be a challenging pursuit, however, I entrust these relationships to the Lord for His redemption and grace.
So there it is! Sankofa. "Looking backward to move forward."
In Part One, I reflected backward to the time my parents got divorced, how I struggled through the confusion of my sexuality, and when I tried to kill myself. In Part Two, I reflected backward to when I came to faith in Christ, became a part of the "church culture" that proved itself to be unwanting, and challenged those old christendom paradigms in favor of an organic paradigm of Church that involved living out a lifestyle of faith. In Part Three, I considered the journey that the Lord has just recently brought me on - of exploring what it looks like to be both gay and Christian - and finding peace and resolution. Here in Part Four, we've looked forward to potential future ministry of being a catalyst for revolution.
Who knows what the Lord has in store? What I do know is that God has given me the privilege of serving Him, as I am - both gay and Christian - and that He qualifies, inspires and empowers me to live out my faith as a lifestyle of loving Him and loving others.
In my greatest weaknesses, He reveals His strengths through me.
Update (June 29, 2006): A lot has happened since January 25, 2006 when I wrote this post. To see an evolution of the vision I articulated in this post, see May 5th's post where I announce the Catalyst Web site and blog.
Years ago, I used to teach in Bible studies that God would use a person's greatest weaknesses to reveal His strengths through that person. I believed that. Sort of. That is, I believed that it was true for those people in the Bible studies I was teaching - but not for me. Definitely not for me. My weaknesses? That's practically . . . . unbelieveable. There's no way!
My greatest weaknesses were my gayness and my disconnectedness. Keep in mind, this was years ago - back when I was way way Side X. For God to use my weaknesses, they would have to be made known. And with me being in the dark and lonely closet, that was not going to happen!
I've always known God to have an odd sense of humor. The way He pin points the things I'm most afraid of and then uses me to minister on His behalf in that area. I'd almost say it's kind of cruel if I didn't know through first hand experience how much He really loves me and would never do something like that as a mere joke for the heavenlies. Nah . . . . I know better than that.
So now, I'm seeing Him do it again. He's using the fact that I'm gay and that I've always felt disconnected from people, family, the Church, the world - leading me to a place of personal resolution and connection so that I can help others going through a similar journey - leading me to a place of being a herald for God's people to live a lifestyle of faith . . . .
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
It's a battle, isn't it? This struggle for justice - equality for GLBT individuals in our society and in our Church. Differences in theologies mixed with social stigma keeps people like us marginalized, even silenced. All of our efforts to live a public life are labeled an "agenda". We have parades and TV shows and 'out' celebrities to pave the way for dialogue - hoping that, slowly but surely, society and culture will shift and change to eventually and inevitably accept us.
Is it enough? What will it take for us to see change? What do we need to do to stimulate the unstoppable revolution that will bear the same kind of fruit for GLBT acceptance that the Civil Rights Movement bore for ethnic minorities?
I do not want to wave a rainbow flag!
This is not the cause I signed up for! As a believer in Christ, He is my cause. My cause is to love Him more properly. My cause is to love other people more properly. My cause is to inspire others to do the same. These are our two greatest commandments and our Great Commission.
That is my agenda.
If we are going to move forward, insisting to our society and our Church that we are accepted by God through faith in Christ, then we must move beyond simply proclaiming it. We must function as if we have already been accepted by God. I agree with GCB that "we simply have to start living what we desire". As the GLBT faith community, we need to start demonstrating God-given leadership within His Church. Just like the GLBT community, the Church as a whole has also been marginalized - even silenced - to where we no longer shape our society. Rather, we are merely reacting to society. We have lost our effectiveness. We need to be salt once again - flavoring the world around us so that Christ's love is revealed. That love will shape relationships that will, in turn, shape our neighborhoods and communities. The Church needs leaders and I think that we are the ones who should step up and fill the gap.
God has fully empowered us to accomplish His will. We don't need to fight for the right to be a part of it. We already are! So we can't legally be married and be acknowledged in all states. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to love each other properly. So we can't legally get full insurance benefits and privileges that heterosexual married couples enjoy. So what? It doesn't stop us from continuing to support one another (and even more so, as a community). What if we entrust these "issues" to God and focussed our energies on the things in this world that God talked about constantly - the poor, the sick, and the elderly?
What if the GLBT faith community led the way of serving those in poverty, ministering to the sick, and caring for our seniors? What if we supported the ONE campaign? (I've got my bracelet! Do you?) What if we lived out our faith in such a way that our servanthood revealed our leadership rather than us waiting for the Church to acknowledge our right to be leaders? Perhaps the GLBT faith community can set a positive example for the broader GLBT community by demonstrating what genuine healthy platonic same gender friendships looked like. What if we called on our community to uphold a value of respect, love, commitment, faithfulness, and monogamy? What if we inspired people to love properly?
We need to be the ones who serve as the role models for young GLBT people newly "out" to themselves and the world. We need to be the ones to show them that they don't have to have the old typical "coming out" experience of exploring newfound freedom. We ought to introduce them to the freedom we have in Christ - to love properly, healthy, and respectfully other people of the same gender.
A couple weeks ago, a woman shared during a service that she heard a song on the radio and decided that she wanted to learn how to play it. So she took the time to learn the song, practice it, and played it for all of us. We need to do the same thing. Jesus modeled for us the Kingdom values. He showed us what it looked like to love the outcasts. He showed us what it looked like to pray to the Father for each other. He showed us what it looked like to serve those in need. He showed us what it looked like to bless those who were formerly cursed. He played an awesome song for us. Let's learn how to play it! Let's live out a lifestyle of faith that affects every person we interact with.
Over the past several weeks, I've been seeking the Lord what He wanted of me through this whole Two World Collision thing. It was clear to me that this blog was meant to be a tool to help me and you process - something that would inspire us both to a lifestyle of faith. So He's placed several other things on my heart - a ministry for serving the colliding worlds of church paradigms and sexuality.
We'll see how this all evolves. For now, I think He's given me direction - a vision - to catalyze a culture of trust and unity among the GLBT faith community and the broader Church by inspiring them to live out their faith.
What will this look like? I'm excited to see what's ahead. In the mean time, i'd like to start moving towards the following objectives:
Personal Coaching and Scholarships
I'd like to provide personal coaching for others struggling with the conflict between their faith and their sexuality. I'd like to be a part of helping these loved ones along that journey of seeking Christ personally for the answers. I don't want to be the one to necessarily give them the answers. I want to stimulate them with the right questions. Even the ones that question the old answers. I trust Jesus enough to guide them with the peace, resolution, and even answers.
I'd also like to partner with other personal coaches who will journey with these loved ones. This personal coaching can take the form of personal phone calls, emails, instant messages, or even personal visits. I'd even like to travel across cities, states, or the nation for week long coaching. Instead of them going somewhere foreign for help, I'd like to go to them - the place where they have to live this all out. I'd like to be able to give them an opportunity to talk with a person face to face about the things they are terrified to say to anyone in the Church. I'd like to allow them to ask their questions and to start their journey of exploring those questions with Christ. If it's fitting, i'd like to be able to accompany a person as they try to talk with a family member or pastor about their sexuality and faith journey - hopefully enlisting their support. I'd like to be able to give them resources (Side A, Side B, and Side X) and allow them to discern for themselves with the Lord what they believe.
I'd like to offer $250 or $500 scholarships to some of these loved ones so that they can cover the registration and travel expenses to attend gay Christian conferences that are happening around the nation. What if individuals and businesses partnered together to sponsor one of them? What if we could get grants to help fund these scholarships?
New Ministry Empowerment
I would like to empower the emerging leaders of the GLBT faith community who have been inspired by God to initiate certain ministries. I'd like to assist those who want to start up gay student ministries (GSM's) on campuses, working in partnership with gay straight alliances (GSA's). I'd like to assist those who want to start ministries in their city to help coach young GLBT teens in their "coming out" process. GCB has an awesome vision for GLBT people leading the way in helping people to find "alternative environments of safety, protection, love, and acceptance". He talks about safe houses and shelters for those escaping abusive families or partners. He talks about programs to assist GLBT youth go to college. I want to empower people who have a heart for making these kinds of things happen by helping to inspire them, resource them, equip them, and help them to connect with others who can help them develop their ministry.
I believe that we must value each other's unique call and mission for ministry. Two World Collision alone cannot sustain a revolution. We all have a dream to see these kinds of things happen. But when each of us die, the vision of what we personally saw also dies. Therefore, I want to empower others who will seek to be inspired by God for their own similar vision and who will work towards accomplishing it. In this way, the dream lives on without me as God continues to inspire people with ways of connecting with their communities. Then, i'd like to see each of these new ministries networked together in partnership - sharing each other's support, encouragement, and resources. This is what will stimulate an uncontainable revolution of GLBT people living out their faith.
GLBT Faith Leaders Retreat
I would like to provide a retreat for ministry and organization leaders of the GLBT faith community to give them a context of renewal and connection. I want to serve these leaders by helping them to get away from the busyness of their operations. I want to encourage them to rest and be ministered to. I also want to help provide a context for them to connect with other leaders for mutual support and encouragement. I know how lonely it can be to be the sole leader in a ministry. I know how frustrating it can be to not have the time to brainstorm fresh thoughts and insights because of the day to day operations of the work. I want to help these leaders inspire each other - to offer ideas, experience, questions, and prayer for each other.
Church Leaders Round Table
As I establish and nurture relationships within my city (or others), I want to bring them together for dialogue. In the past, I've defined the "hot zone" as the place where homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the "unspeakable" topic. I want to bring together pastors and leaders of mainstream churches with pastors and leaders of inclusive churches for "transformational conversations that point to reconciliation" (as Zalm describes it). I suspect that this will be a challenging pursuit, however, I entrust these relationships to the Lord for His redemption and grace.
So there it is! Sankofa. "Looking backward to move forward."
In Part One, I reflected backward to the time my parents got divorced, how I struggled through the confusion of my sexuality, and when I tried to kill myself. In Part Two, I reflected backward to when I came to faith in Christ, became a part of the "church culture" that proved itself to be unwanting, and challenged those old christendom paradigms in favor of an organic paradigm of Church that involved living out a lifestyle of faith. In Part Three, I considered the journey that the Lord has just recently brought me on - of exploring what it looks like to be both gay and Christian - and finding peace and resolution. Here in Part Four, we've looked forward to potential future ministry of being a catalyst for revolution.
Who knows what the Lord has in store? What I do know is that God has given me the privilege of serving Him, as I am - both gay and Christian - and that He qualifies, inspires and empowers me to live out my faith as a lifestyle of loving Him and loving others.
In my greatest weaknesses, He reveals His strengths through me.
Update (June 29, 2006): A lot has happened since January 25, 2006 when I wrote this post. To see an evolution of the vision I articulated in this post, see May 5th's post where I announce the Catalyst Web site and blog.
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