Discerning Self-Censorship

So i'm here at the Marriott Hotel in Indianapolis, Indiana. Yep, that's right! I'm here for the CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) National Conference. I'm way excited to be away! For starters, having lived in Southern California for the past 15 years or so, i've never been past Arizona or any of California's neighboring states. We took the red eye and left out of Los Angeles at about 11:00pm Pacific time Wednesday night, arrived in Charlotte, North Carolina at about 4:15am Eastern time (saw lots and lots of trees), then went on to Indianapolis at about 6:30am and arrived here at about 9:00am Eastern time and saw actual snow falling. I discovered what "jet lag" is. Goodness, i'm so disoriented...what time is it really?

I've been to conferences before but this is my first trip representing my public ministry and it's awesome. I've met lots of other people who are doing similar community development type work. Major trading of the business cards going on... =) Anyway, good conference so far...

I met a guy at one of the workshops on "City Blogging" yesterday . . . who seemed to be a great guy. I found myself reluctant to tell him about Two World Collision - I guess i'm still pretty hesistant to be completely "out". It's complex - as you can pretty much gather if you're following along on my journey. I don't want to be "out" to everyone in every context because I don't really think that I have to be. I mean, my identity (and allegiance) is first and foremost in Christ. Being gay, or even just journeying through this process, is simply a context. But it's not who I am nor do I want it to be all about who I am.

It just sucks that I didn't feel comfortable enough with myself to be free to talk about Two World Collision. It was relevant to our conversation about blogs and the way "community" develops over the blogosphere. He seemed like a nice guy too. It would have been great to naturally talk about something i'm excited about and to talk about all of you that i'm getting to know and praying for. This is a dynamic I experience of living in "two worlds" - filtering conversations to make sure certain details about certain topics are censored. Censoring myself causes this feeling for me of not being completely known. I think that's one reason why it's pretty lonely at times - not because of others not wanting to know me, but because I don't feel safe enough with some people to be fully known. I know - i've always owned up on the fact that i've got issues, haven't I?

It happens when i'm in the city talking with mainstream pastors and I don't yet talk about the other pastors that I've met from the inclusive churches in the city. It happens when I'm at a prayer meeting with people from different churches throughout the city and they start praying "against" those homosexual people and their "agenda". It happens with some friends when he comments about an attractive girl but I happened to notice the guy she was with. It happens when I refrain from talking about an exciting topic that i want to blog about because the person i'm talking to doesn't even know about the blog. (Disclaimer: I hope you don't get the impression that i'm some basket-case non-socially functioning closet case. I'm not. Really, i'm not.)

I was talking with another guy from Chicago yesterday who works with a ministry that reaches out to male prostitutes. He noted that the majority of those guys weren't gay. Somewhere in our conversation we began talking about gay Christians and he believes that, though he hasn't actually known any homosexuals outside of the context of male prostitutes, being gay is a disorder from some kind of emotional lacking in their early childhood and that even if they say that they haven't been abused, he thinks they just don't realize the abuse that caused the brokeness. See, now here's a situation where he really didn't need to know that I was gay. He just wouldn't get it. He admits not knowing gay people (outside of his ministry) but he forms a conclusion about how they became gay based on his limited exposure to them. Now, I do have some friends that are trying to be a bit more informed about this stuff, but I also know that there are people like him that believe what they believe for reasons not completely logical. I used to be one of them.

So there's a bit of that fear in telling someone about my journey because I'm not exactly sure where they're coming from and how they'll react. Are they open-minded enough to be informed about the subject? Are they decidedly hostile for illogical reasons? Will they invite me to coffee or throw me out of the building and start throwing rocks?

Is this kind of self-censorship a self-imposed prison? I don't think so - not completely at least. Sure it's refreshing to be free to talk about certain things with trusted people. However, I think a degree of discernment is needed. On this blog, i pretty much lay out my heart - and it makes me vulnerable to have this kind of honesty. At the same time, i can get pretty devastated if someone attacked me with harsh words.

So people don't need to know what they don't need to know. In the mean time, i'll have to discern my own self-censorship.

The Biggest Loser

For the past six or seven months of this journey, allowing myself to mix in various circles in the gay community, I've discovered something characteristic in some spheres. I'm learning that there is a lot of pressure to look physically attractive.

Gosh, I thought it was hard enough trying to be happy with the guy in the mirror! Now, it's like the goal at a social venue is to have people turn their heads as I walk across the room. And if no one seems to notice, then i'm the biggest loser there! Or at least, I feel that way . . . .

Sure i know that our society in general places a huge emphasis on looking hot, beautiful, and gorgeous - i know it's not isolated to the gay community. But it sure is present in some places, that's for sure - the gym, the bar, the club, the coffee shop, and (in limited circumstances) sometimes even in church. Fortunately, my friends are actual friends and couldn't care less what I look like. In fact, they are the ones who encourage me when my low self-image reveals itself. My commentary here isn't about the gay community's narcissistic tendencies but rather the observation that I find myself looking in the mirror way too much.

Yes, i'll admit, that i had been overly concerned about my physical appearance before this journey into the gay community. That probably has much to do with the fact that I simply wasn't attracted to myself - and therefore, how could anyone else (male or female) be attracted to me? And there goes my cycle of mental self-abuse.... I had myself so convinced that I could never get a date. But then again, if that were ever the case, it probably wouldn't be because of my physical appearance but rather my attitude revealed through my demeanor and facial expressions. I wouldn't have been sending out "attractive" signals - like how about ... maybe ... uh ... a smile for starters, or eye contact to show interest.

I've been told that i'm attractive. It used to be really hard to accept because i didn't believe it myself - but i'm learning to see myself with different eyes. I'm also realizing that just because I'm not typically attracted to asians (mostly due to my own ethnic shame), there are actually people out there that are attracted to asians. Filipinos even. Guys like me. Hmm....really?

So i've been learning to be okay with the person I am - my spirituality, my sexuality, my gender, my ethnicity, and my physical appearance. At what point is it okay to look in the mirror and say, "i like that guy!" without feeling like a narcisst? So I decided that I was tired of viewing myself so negatively. Further, I decided that I didn't simply want to change my perspective. I wanted to change my appearance too - not necessarily so that I can turn heads but so that what I saw with my eyes matched what I saw through my perspective. I can choose to be happy with myself and make zero changes but I wanted to also feel good about myself - to have confidence. And yes, i'll admit, it does feel good to be complimented - I'm not exactly sure if that's something i need to apologize for or even defend. I simply want to be able to smile in the mirror and have it be genuine.

So mid January 2005, I decided to do something about it - inspired by those who felt like I felt and who experienced personal success.

I'm not one who normally watches reality television shows. A few months ago, I asked a friend if he had ever watched "The Biggest Loser" on NBC. He had an almost disgusted look on his face as he said, "No way! They're embarassing themselves!" He had obviously never seen the show and made this judgment based on the few commercials he had seen that depicted overweight individuals being paraded on the TV screen. It's too bad because he doesn't realize just how much he'd relate to these people and find them inspiring. I did.

I watched every episode of the first season last year. I laughed. I cried. I related. I understood the emotional turmoil of not being happy with oneself for whatever reason. Granted, i've never been 250 pounds myself, but seeing the people on this show every single week losing the pounds - sometimes 1-2 pounds a week, sometimes 5-10 pounds a week, sometimes gaining pounds in a week - I found it truly inspiring to watch their journey. (Trainer Bob Harper isn't so bad to look at either! *grin*). The season concluded at the beginning of this year - just after New Years - and so I was motivated to go back to the gym. It's kinda funny, I was inspired and motivated by a television show. But at least it got me to go.

I've had a gym membership at Bally's Total Fitness for several years now - going maybe a few times in a year. So I decided to invest in a personal trainer there. It was definitely worth it - primarily because he helped me get results. With a trainer, I found accountability. There were times when i didn't feel like working out but I went because I had an appointment with him and I didn't want to flake. He pushed me further. He encouraged me. He kept me motivated to set, pursue, achieve, and stick my goals. From January - June 2005, in six months, I lost 30 pounds - starting at 195 lbs. and ending with 165 lbs. Whoa! Now that was exciting.

So i entered my journey having just done this and soon realized the pressure to maintain physical appearances. After being 3 months on my own and also watching the second season of "The Biggest Loser", I decided to get a couple more months with my trainer to help me reach my goals through the New Year. It's not that I think weight and physical appearance ought to be a means of determining attractiveness. I really don't. But for me, my journey has been all about lifestyle changes that reflect the person I am and the person I want to be while at the same time being the person that God created me to be and still being transformed into the person He wants me to be. Seems like mountainous terrain on this journey of mine but it feels great knowing that there are peaks to reach.

At the end of the day, my comfort is in knowing that God is more concerned about the attractiveness of my heart than He is with my physical body. It is, after all, temporary.

You Want To Speak Into My Life?

"How do we build an atmosphere in church that allows us to speak into each others' lives?"

That's a question that was asked by a friend of mine as the house church network group met this morning. It's a great question. Unfortunately, it was asked at the end of the gathering time instead of at the beginning...

Briefly, to get you up to speed, I previously wrote in "Death of a Church and Life in the Hot Zone" that the house church that I had been a part of for three years discontinued meeting but that I was still relationally connected with the network of house churches (there are other house churches that still meet). Two months ago, I wrote in "...that God Has Made Clean" about the last time some of the people from the network gathered. At that time, I told everyone that I had "struggled with same sex attractions" and that I was journeying into a world of taking my faith into the places where the mainstream Church refuses to go - the "Hot Zone".

So the meeting this morning was another one of those times where people from the network were coming together to talk about "Church" and what it looks like to live out our faith. It's a particularly interesting and relevant topic for me because my whole journey has been about living a lifestyle of faith that isn't afraid of being "contaminated" by the secular and the profane. We talked about good concepts but we really didn't get into practical ways of living in community.

When we talk about how we can build an atmosphere in church that allows us to speak into each others' lives, it frustrates me because some of these people don't even know my life. How can you speak into my life if you don't know what my life is like? The irritating thing is that some of these people enter into the conversation with the assumption that trust occurs in a group context. That's not necessarily true. So when someone asks how we can build this kind of atmosphere "in church", it tells me that all they're concerned about is "playing" church. They want to look like church when we gather together by keeping each other accountable and "speaking into each others lives". That may "look" like church, but in my opinion, that's not community if it isn't also happening in an individual context.

Everyone there this morning was at the meeting two months ago when I shared that I was gay. Only one person in that group has since engaged me in conversation about it. Two months later. He's the only one that has the right to speak into my life regarding my journey. I'd find it incredibly offensive to come to one of these gatherings, in a group context, and have someone bring up me being gay and start talking about what i'm doing to "resist" temptation - keeping me "accountable" and "speaking into my life". They have no right to do such a thing, in the name of community, because they were unwilling to engage the conversation with me through a personal relationship.

I'll own up to the fact that much of this comes from the loneliness I've felt from their silence. "So i've told you I'm gay. Give me some feedback! Tell me what you think! Are you going to support me? Are you going to condemn me? Are you going to walk this through with me and help me figure it out? Do you care that this is difficult for me?" It drives me crazy because their unwillingness to "go" to me and engage a relationship with me communicates to me a lack of interest, concern - love. So now someone wants to "speak into my life" without understanding the context of my journey?

I think that this "come to me and I will help you fix your life" attitude is pervasive in church culture - it's arrogance. No wonder people who don't yet know Jesus are so resistant to those they perceive as Bible-thumping Jesus freaks who try to "witness" to the "lost". How about trying to get to know the "lost" before trying to get them "found"? I think church culture has lost perspective of discipleship. Discipleship implies walking through this exciting and difficult faith journey together. However, church culture seems to think the goal is "saving" people - articulating Jesus in such a way that convinces them to say a prayer of faith.

I think that Jesus' Great Commission to us was meant to be accomplished through those two commandments that He said sums everything else up - love God, love each other. We are called to "go and love". Yet, church culture tries to evangelize with words while being ignorant of why they are increasingly becoming ineffective in "making disciples" - they are doing so without the heart. The willingness to get to know and invest one's life - time and resources - into another person's life is a demonstration of love. It is in this context that we have the right to speak into another person's life - whether it be discussing the Gospel of Jesus with one who does not yet know Him, or talking about specific ways to be a better disciple of Jesus with one who already knows Him.

"How do we build an atmosphere in church that allows us to speak into each others lives?" We cannot build a faith community that does this without first establishing genuine individual connections of trust and mutual respect that forms the very foundation of that community. If that's not happening, it's an artificial atmosphere and I'm tired of "playing" church.

For more, I recommend reading my post on "Band of Brothers and Sisters."

Post Birthday Thanks

I just wanted to say how honored, humbled, and thankful that I am to all of you who came by to the blog party yesterday, sent me E-Cards, sent me emails with your personal story, left comments, and chatted with me on instant messenger. You are all so awesome!

It was great to hear how many of us are on such similar journeys! Let's remember that we're not alone in any of this and that there are genuine believers - both gay and straight - that are sensitive to the complexities of trying to live out our faith in the context of our sexuality. Thank you for your kind words regarding the thoughts i've articulated in this blog thus far. =)

I had a great time last night. My friends took me out to a bar for a few drinks (it was Karaoke night) and they even got me a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake from Cold Stone - the exact same one of the pic I used next to Brad during the party! Wasn't that so sweet of them to do that? They are the best and I thank God for them.

Blessings to you all! Let's continue the dialogue....

Birthday Blog Party!!!

Welcome to my birthday blog party! Thanks for coming by! Yep, I'm 30 years old now - oh goodness, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Whatever! We're here to celebrate so please join me in thanking God for life - yours and mine.

First off, be sure to say hello - yes, even if you don't normally post comments.

Leave a comment - extend your birthday greetings, introduce yourself to us, tell us about your blog site that you have so that we can visit it, share a favorite Bible verse, or tell us what you are thankful to God for!

Send me an IM - if you have Yahoo! Messenger and the icon in the left column says that i'm "Online", feel free to chat with me! =)

If you're a newbie to blogs and not quite sure of how to leave a comment, simply click the "Comments" link at the end of this post (next to the time posted), then click on "Post a Comment" at the bottom of the post after the last comment.

Would you like a drink?

Our hostess, Angel, is making up some awesome Margaritas.

Go on over and get to know her a bit. She's absolutely wonderful! She's also more than happy to serve you up a soda if you prefer non-alcoholic beverages. =)

What's your pleasure?

Want a bite to eat? Try my favorite filipino finger food - lumpia (aka "egg rolls"). I love 'em!

Here's a recipe for you if you'd like to whip some up for you and your friends.

Let's dance! Come on - show me your moves! Geek-boi is already out there on the dance floor shaking his booty. Go on over and check him out!
Choose a link below to listen while you surf!
House Party or R & B Party

Or if you'd rather not dance:
Two World Collision Yahoo LaunchCast Radio or
Alternative Rock or Adult Alternative or Christian Top Hits or Praise & Worship Music

Be sure to take some time to chat it up with others. Get to know some people at the discussion forums I go to:

GayChristian.Net
Bridges Across The Divide
Gay Christian Outreach

Looking for a match? Try GayHarmony.Net. =)

Hungry? How about some pizza!

Order some up online for yourself at home too.

While you're munching on your pizza, be sure to browse through Two World Collision and check out each of the different sections. Catch up on past posts by going through the archives in the right column. Also to the right, find out more about my perspective regarding the "Church" by looking at those post links. On the left, check out some of the blogs that I read somewhat regularly. Be sure to read the paper I wrote about entering the "Hot Zone".

Curious about this blog?

My blog is worth $11,290.80.
How much is your blog worth?

Also check out my Blog Shares listing.

Let's see...how about some tidbits about the birthday boy?

My life verse is Philippians 3:10 which says, "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death." In 1997, I used to work in a dialysis unit and I used to sit with a wonderful woman by the name of Helen Hayes during her treatments. One day, she told me about the time she had a quadruple bypass surgery and while she was "out" during the surgery she remembers praising the Lord and reciting Psalms and Scripture to Him. She spoke of Jesus with such love! Even in the midst of incredible hardship, she continued to worship the Lord. Philippians 3:10 was her life verse. She inspired me so much that I adopted it as my own. In hindsight, I can see that I would endure hardships of my own and that verse was foundational for me keeping faith.

Do you have a life verse? Let me know in a comment!

My all time favorite band is Switchfoot! Their lyrics and melodies have always moved me. They are a band from San Diego and I've been a fan since I saw them in concert for the first time several years ago before they hit national attention. Check out Switchfoot's Web site here!

One of my favorite Switchfoot songs is Dare You To Move because a few years ago I lived through one of those "rock-bottom" times in my life and I related so well to the song. It reminded me that God was with me and was for me and that, after falling, I can indeed get back up. Click the link here to watch the video!

Right now, i'm reading an awesome book called Revolution by George Barna. For those of us who are looking at "Church" outside the box and living a lifestyle of faith rather than religious routine - this is definitely a must read! His critics who don't like what he has to say seem to be the same kind of people who condemn those who have left the local church in pursuit of Jesus. Whatever - i'm liking it.

Remember, to check out some of my posts about my paradigm of the Church in the section in the right column!

Buy the book and read it for yourself here!

Alright, let's bring out the cake! Here's my favorite - a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake! Take a virtual slice! Hey now - i meant a slice out of the cake!












I know, i know - Brad was supposed to be jumping out of a birthday cake without a shirt! Where's the skin?! Oh well, what can i say?

Wow, if you've made it all the way down to the bottom of this post - party on! Thanks for stopping by! Be sure to check out some of the links throughout this site. Please, leave a comment and say hello before you leave! =)

((HUGS!!)) ~ yeah that's pretty gay isn't it?

Blessings ~ Eric

You Are Cordially Invited...

You are cordially invited

to my birthday Blog Party

this Wednesday, Nov. 9th

as I hit the big 3-0!

Come by any time on that day

and celebrate with me!

Feel free to bring a friend.

Whether you are here for just

a minute, ten minutes, or an hour,

stop by, leave a comment, and say hello!

Introduce yourself, share a favorite verse,

or extend your b-day greetings.

If you have a blog, leave a link to your site!

We'll have margaritas, music, and pizza!

Be sure not to miss out on Brad Pitt and the cake!

Spend some time browsing through the

archives to catch up on what you've missed.

Check out some of the other links in various

sections of the site. Read tidbits of a few things

i'm interested in. Listen to music as you

surf the site!

Be sure to come by and meet other

friends of Two World Collision!

See you then!

Shhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Shhhhh! Eric's birthday is coming up in 4 days! It's this coming Wednesday on November 9th! How should we celebrate? Hmmm......

Embracing A Different Gospel

"I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel... If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!" (Galatians 1:6, 9)

For 13 years I was taught that being gay - in thought and action - was wrong. Being gay, my life was filtered through that lens - that my sexuality was part of my flesh and that it should be denied. Naturally, I am mindful of these things on this journey of mine as I expore what it looks like to be gay and Christian. It seems alarming that I would pursue such a thing. Am I deserting Christ and simply trying to live my own life - taking back my life after giving it to Him over a decade ago? Am I embracing a different gospel from those who say that God accepts me as a gay believer?

I've been studying through the book of Galatians for several weeks now and I had to ask myself some questions: At the very core of my faith and at the moment of belief, what was it that I accepted? What did I place my faith in?

As I wrestled through this in prayer over several weeks, I realized that I was placing my faith in the person of Jesus Christ, being the Son of God, as my Savior and Redeemer. I was placing all my trust for my salvation in the work He did at the cross. I was accepting the fact that, outside of Jesus, there is nothing that I can personally do to arrange for my own forgiveness - I have no righteousness, no good works, no birthright. I literally needed Jesus to do this for me. I needed Him to reconcile me to God. I needed His grace . . . .

When I accepted Christ, that was the gospel that I accepted. My sexuality had nothing to do with that decision. I didn't believe in Him because I wanted Him to make me straight. I believed in Him because I wanted Him to make me acceptable. Yet, after I became a Christian and began learning and growing in my faith and knowledge of God, the churches that I had subsequently been a part of taught that I was not acceptable because of my sexuality. They taught that I needed to be straight in order to avoid God's wrath and "justice". I began to believe this and it made me cling all the more to God's grace because otherwise there was condemnation for me.

That's not the gospel that I accepted. I accepted a gospel that taught that there's nothing I can do to avoid God's wrath. That was the reason why Christ was willing to die on the cross on my behalf in the first place - because there was no other way. He is the Way. Yet, I am told that the "sin" of my sexuality can overide His grace. These well intentioned Christians, who interpret all gay thought and actions to be sin, were teaching me a different gospel.

I'm not going to feel guilty about this journey of mine because there may be some who would accuse me of embracing a different gospel other than the one I accepted. It's not a different gospel. It's just not the mainstream, traditionally accepted gospel that attaches heterosexuality to the salvation equation.

So then I began to read Galatians through that lens. In Galatians, Paul addressed the issue of those Jewish Christians who were proclaiming that the Gentile Christians needed to be circumcised. Yet at the core of their message, the issue wasn't circumcision but rather that they were saying that despite the grace of Christ, they still needed to "do" something in order to be accepted into the fellowship of God (and believers). And that belief is still proclaimed today by those who have been teaching me that I need to circumcise my sexuality, become straight, in order to be fully Christian, fully accepted, and fully forgiven.

"This matter arose because some false brothers had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves. We did not give in to them for a moment, so that the truth of the gospel might remain with you. As for those who seemed to be important - whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not judge by external appearances..." (Galatians 2:4-6)

"But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?" (Galatians 4:9)

"Those people are zealous to win you over, but for no good. What they want is to alienate you from us, so that you may be zealous for them." (Galatians 4:17)

"Those who want to make a good impression outwardly are trying to compel you to be circumcised. The only reason they do this is to avoid being persecuted for the cross of Christ. Not even those who are circumcised obey the law, yet they want you to be circumcised that they may boast about your flesh." (Galatians 6:12-13)

There are two issues here - the first is of grace and the second is of sin. I believe that we are saved by grace through faith alone. As for sin, the issue is not about having the freedom to sin - I believe that we do not have a license to sin. The issue of contention is about realizing what the sin is. Some would say that references to "homosexuality" in Scripture refers to all gay activity while others would say that those references are referring to a context of idolatry and lust. Being well versed and believing the former for 13 years (because that is what I was taught), I am inclined to believe on this journey now in the latter. I don't think that sexuality itself - heterosexuality or homosexuality- is a sin. I believe that unloving expressions of our sexuality is a sin - prostitution, adultery, fornication, pederastry - all forms of lust. These are things that can be categorized as "sexual immorality". Yet these things can be done in both heterosexual and homosexual contexts.

The problem, I think, is in people's interpretations of the word "homosexuality" when we read it in our modern translations of the Bible. The actual word as we use it today wasn't used back then. So the task is to interpret properly what was meant in ancient times. Today, we read the word "homosexual" and we assume it means "gay". However, just as there are lustful contexts for both heterosexual and homosexual contexts, there are also loving expressions of our sexuality in both contexts - committment, monogamy, faithfulness.

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6)

"Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is a new creation. Peace and mercy to all who follow this rule, even to the Israel of God." (Galatians 6:15-16)

I don't think being gay or straight is the issue. I think that we all need to realize that our salvation comes in Christ alone - not in our sexuality nor in our ability to live out our righteousness. He is our righteousness. We do not have a license to sin, however, because of Him we are a new creation - not simply creatures who live heterosexually, but rather we are a people of God who love more wholly.

Two Chinese Boys

This one is for laughs. I first saw it on The Today Show and then at my friend's blog. Thanks JJ! Be sure to watch the video through the end to see the bloopers. At first it looks like the third guy in the back is supposed to be there but from the bloopers it seems that he's just there doing his own thing. Click the play button in the middle of the video screen to watch it. Afterwards click the video to see other videos these boys have done!

Don't 'Should' On Me!

Two months ago in a post, i mentioned in "Death of a Church and Life in the Hot Zone" that i used to go to a house church that stopped meeting. For the sake of context, i'll mention that those relationships were primarily heterosexual. In speaking to a friend yesterday, i discovered that even though the actual "church" gathering stopped meeting, there was still drama among those people. The drama seemed to be centered around the disapproval of a particular romantic relationship.

(Boy am I glad I'm not in the middle of all that mess! I'm loving life in the hot zone right about now.)

This makes me sad because these are my friends - we're all friends - and they just can't seem to treat each other like they are. Why is it that under the guise of "accountability" people in the "church" feel the need to legislate the logistics of relationships? Out of concern for the couple, "friends" or rather "fellow brothers and sisters in Christ" feel the need to step in and say, "you know, i say this because I love you and I'm concerned about your relationship. You should...blah blah blah". For months, these people have kept this romantic relationship under a microscope watching every move. It's like they're waiting for it to fail to prove that their concerns were right - and if they aren't right, they're going to jinx it with their presence so as to make it fail.

Leave them the hell alone! Goodness. I heard Brennan Manning speak last Sunday and he said a classic phrase, "Don't should on me!" (or in other words, "Don't sh*t on me!"). Should, should, should.... geez, if I were my friends who were in this romantic relationship, i'd be feeling claustrophobic. Back off and let us breathe!

Can you imagine what these "church friends" would say to me if I ever was in a gay relationship and was open about it? Out of concern for my well-being or even state of spiritual cleanliness, I should....blah, blah, blah. I think they need to quit looking for the errors in other people's relationships and start evaluating the kind of love that they are demonstrating in their own relationships - not just the romantic ones but their friendships as well. How loving can they really be towards their friends if they are constantly pointing out what's wrong in the romantic relationship?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corithians 13:4-5

My friend, "E" over at Paradoxy has a great post talking about "Conditional Love". He makes a really good point when he says, "...but by and large I've learned that I still have to be very selective about who I open up to. So when did it become okay for the church to be such an unsafe place?"

Granted, I'm suggesting that these people (my friends) "need to" or "should" back off. But how about we trust Jesus a little bit more to shape His own people rather than taking it upon ourselves to bend them? How about we trust that Jesus transforms lives, paradigms, and lifestyles through process rather than focusing on the fact that they are "living in sin" now and so they must change now - or else we shall intervene!

I'm sure there are some friends out there that have learned about my journey of exploring what it looks like to be both gay and Christian and that they are perhaps "concerned for me". The securing thing for me is knowing that Jesus is with me here on this journey. He loves me and knowing that allows me to trust Him completely. I trust Him enough to guide me and let me know if I'm walking away from Him and so if i'm making a mistake by walking this journey, i'll eventually be led out of the journey. In the mean time, i'm learning and growing in my faith and in my understanding of His love and utter grace for "my" marginalized community. So this gives me the freedom to live out my faith with confidence and without fear of judgment (1 John 4:16-19).

I believe in fellowship and community. I believe in sharpening and challenging each other to grow and be better disciples of Jesus. But there's got to be a point to where we release ourselves from the burden of legislating the logistics of our relationships and we simply love in our relationships. Love God. Love each other. The other commandments will take care of themselves.

Caught In The Middle

I wasn't planning on writing today since I have a full day in store for me but I really need to process through some things right now so please excuse the raw thoughts....

Friggin A!!!

Okay, not completely raw right there - i just thought some innocent eyes may be reading this. But hell, i'm sure feeling like yelling and cussing right now. Aaarrrrgh!!!

I feel like I'm in the middle of a divorce and since I've already gone through that (and figured I was over it by now) I'm noticing all these emotions coming up again. I think Elizabeth Marquardt is right - "Divorce shapes children in their inner lives in lasting ways that turn up in young adulthood." What's stirring up all this inside me?

Maybe it has something to do with yesterday's post. Earlier this week, Ninjanun wrote a great post that included a link to another blog post called "Peanut Butter and Gays". Now, first off, i want to make clear that I love the fact that Ninjanun and many many people out in the blogosphere are supportive of gay people (or at least speak against injustice) and they are calling out those in the Church that are hostile towards us. I take no offense to reading these blog posts - in fact, i'm thankful that there are people willing to step up and advocate for justice, mercy, and grace.

So here's the thing. I feel caught in the middle of a divorce between mom and dad who are yelling and arguing with each other and here I am feeling like it's my fault they're arguing. Now, of course I know it's not my fault - for the homosexual debate nor for my own parents' divorce. But i'm noticing the same emotions coming up and its frustrating. I read the peanut butter post and Ninjanun's post and all the comments people made in there and I just found myself about ready to cry.

For my first 13 years of being a Christian, since I was a junior in high school I was surrounded by the parent (Church) that proclaimed that homosexuality is a sin and that it's wrong and that, even though they didn't know I was, they said that "those" people are not acceptable in the Lord's eyes because of what they "do". I agreed with them and took the Side X perspective that I should be and can be transformed to be straight. Now, for the past 5-6 months or so, I have surrounded myself with the other parent (Church) that says that being gay is not a sin and further, the other parent ought to be ashamed of themselves for being so ignorant, discriminatory, and hypocritical.

My journey has been about looking at all the sides and exploring this for myself. What would it look like for me to be gay and Christian? And while I tread this journey, i feel like there are people on both sides of the road. On my left are those cheering me on. On my right are those throwing rocks. On both sides, they are yelling and hollering at each other. All I'm trying to do is look ahead of me - that's where Jesus is with His arms wide open.

I know things need to be said. In fact, I hope Ninjanun and many other friends in the blogosphere will continue to advocate for "people like me". It just hurts to be in the middle of the argument feeling powerless to bring peace. Of anything, i know it'll get worse as this country and the Church is polarized by the issue.

I can't make the Church love each other. I can't make the Church get along. I can't even make the Church love a 'sinner' like me. But this makes me think that maybe that's the real issue. Jesus said that it's not about adultery, it's about lust. He said that it's not about murder, it's about hate. Perhaps, it's not about homosexuality or even the debate about it - but rather, it's about all of us not loving each other properly. Love God, love your neighbor. We all need to get this right. The Church needs to start loving people instead of condemning people in judgment. The gay community needs to start loving people (of both genders) instead of objectifying the flesh in lust. (Note: so far in my journey, i think that the references to homosexuality in the Bible were referenced in the context of unloving actions - idolatry, prostitution, pederastry, etc. Committed and loving same-sex relationships in today's context don't fall in that category. However, i think the promiscuousness in parts of both the gay and straight community do fit in that category.)

If the Church is ever going to reconcile, instead of divorcing each other, maybe we all ought to take a step back from the issue and assess our own walk with Christ and get back to the basics. Love God. Love your neighbor.

I'm Filipino, OK?

George Takei is gay. You know, that guy from the original Star Trek series with everyone in way too tight Star Fleet uniforms - Sulu. The asian guy. Yeah, apparently he's gay. A good friend of mine pointed out the article to me.

I would have never thought he was gay. I know, i know, there are some out there saying, "Duh!" But i have always referred to my "gay-dar" as pretty weak. I can't normally determine if someone is gay because, quite frankly, I haven't spent a whole lot of time around gay people except these past 5-6 months. Among my friends, i refer to my "gay-dar" as merely sonar. I can pick up what's on the surface. I'll send out a wave and a bleep will sound just to tell me something is out there. Some of my other friends, on the other hand, have much more advanced detection systems than I do. Some of my friends have X-ray detection technology that will enable them to point out every gay person in the crowd. Yet, I have other friends that have infrared detection technology that allows them to point out the closet cases. They have the super power of being able to see deep into a person's soul. (Okay, maybe not that extreme nor mystical - i know, only God sees all).

As i read the article, the striking thing for me wasn't that he is gay. Rather, it was the reference to him living in a U.S. internment camp for Japanese from ages 4 through 8 and growing up ashamed of his ethnicity and sexuality. That's the part that hits home for me because I've always had "issues" and "baggage" about my ethnicity. I left the Philippines at the age of about 3 years old because my dad was in the Air Force. We were in Illinois, then ended up in Hawaii. I'm pretty much "americanized" and don't feel much attachment to my ethnic heritage (but i can make a good chicken adobo though!). Anyway, after my parents divorced, I moved with my mom to Southern California.

At that time, everything was new to me. It was a new place to live. It was a new family arrangement. I hadn't made friends yet. I was feeling weird about the divorce. I was feeling somewhat rejected by my dad for "choosing" my mom. Plus, there was the awkwardness of knowing I was gay and entering junior high school (I knew I was gay since 3rd grade). One day, I was walking down the street and a white pick up truck with two caucasian guys drove by and yelled out, "Chink chink!" I was devastated. How the hell do I respond to that?

I can trace my own personal ethnic shame back to that moment in 7th grade. I hated the fact that I wasn't caucasian. I always felt different. In those early years, what I wanted most was to be accepted and wanted. Sure, there's that parallel of my sexuality too. However, many times, it was harder for me to accept my ethnicity than it was to accept my sexuality. I can hide being gay. I can dismiss my sexuality as sin or confusion or brokenness or whatever. But I can't dismiss my ethnicity. It stares me right in the face when I look in the mirror. There's no hiding from it - even basic sonar can reveal that I'm filipino. I'm filipino. Wow, it took a long time for me to be able to say that. I didn't even like to categorize myself on applications as "Asian" because I was ashamed of it.

So you can imagine, that when it comes to attraction, i've always been less attracted to "asian" guys (because I saw myself in them) and was more attracted to caucasian guys, perhaps because I wanted to be like them. It's way weird for me to hear that there are some caucasian guys out there that like asian guys. Yeah, I know, it sounds sad to see oneself that way but that was the reality of my shame. In theory and in conversation, ethnicity shouldn't be a pressing issue when it comes to relationships but that's a reality for some of us who feel rejected because of it. So couple that with the issues with my sexuality, plus my feelings of family rejection after the divorce, and it sets the stage for the day I tried to kill myself in 9th grade. I'm thankful that God wasn't done with me yet.

Learning to Unlearn

I feel like i've said this a billion times (practically) but I really do think that challenging my own previously held beliefs about faith and God and homosexuality hasn't weakened my beliefs but rather revealed them - shaped them even. Yes, I do feel much more comfortable looking in the mirror and being okay with the fact that I am a gay man, but also that I am a gay man that really does look fondly at God. I am a gay Christian.

For so long, I hid either one or the other about myself. To some people, I was Christian but definitely couldn't reveal the fact that I was attracted to other guys because there was usually a hostility towards those "immoral and corruptible" people. To some people, I was gay but definitely couldn't bring up my faith because there was usually a hostility from people that was more directed at the "Church" than to God. And so now, it feels good to explore what it might look like for me to be both - gay and Christian.

Since being this comfortable about my sexuality is very new to me, I'm still discovering what it even means to be gay. I know that the person I am is more than just my sexuality. But I can't deny it either if I want to honestly explore the person He created me to be - the person He intended me to be. I know that the Bible says that I am a "new creation", so what does that look like being gay? What does that even look like being straight? I don't think it's a gay/straight issue. I think that being a new creation involves loving more genuinely in every relationship - not just the romantic ones. That's what i'm beginning to understand. It's not about who I express love to sexually, but it's about how I express love to all people.

These are some of the things that i'm learning to unlearn. Love not lust. Relationship not manipulation. Acceptance not condemnation. Exploration not assumptions. Covenant relationship not ceremonial presentation. It's not about learning alternative truths. It's about a completely different shift in the lifestyle of my paradigm. It's about living out the realities and truths of my faith, seeing how my life is affected and shaped by them, and allowing myself to live in the gray areas. I'd rather do that than simply going through the motions of religion and proclaiming either black or white issues. I want to unlearn the pride and arrogance of assuming that I know it all. There are things and ideas that I don't have all the answers to - and those are the things I want to explore with God either in front of me (as I follow Him) or at my side (as I fellowship with Him). That is my journey.

Allowing myself to explore what it means to be gay and Christian isn't about freely indulging in sexual sin. Rather, it's about me having the freedom to explore life as the man I am, being seasoned by my faith, and being shaped daily to be a man more like Christ.

Homosexuality in the Bible

There's a ton of resources out there on homosexuality and the Bible. They all say similar things - some say it's a sin because of the "clobber passages" while others say it's not a sin because of the "clobber passages". There are books and essays and research papers and web sites and it gets pretty tiring sometimes to read the same things over and over again. Few times have I come across a resource that I found refreshingly concise.

After reading Justin Cannon's paper called "The Bible, Christianity, and Homosexuality", there were some of the same things that I had already read before from other sources. Yet, there were many other things that I hadn't and also things that he phrased in such a way that made sense. What I really liked about Justin's paper was that he was incredibly concise and to the point. I loved that I didn't have to read through a ton of content to figure out the point he was trying to make. I know that I said before that i'd make a side by side comparison of differing perspectives - it'll come, I haven't forgotten.

In the mean time, if you are someone who is either trying to explore this issue for yourself, researching this issue out of concern for a gay friend or family member, or have already read so much out there that you can practically write a book on the subject yourself, I would recommend giving Justin's paper a read. I'd be interested to hear about what people think about it, especially from those who have believed that homosexuality (in the modern context) is wrong.

Entering The Hot Zone

I've referenced the "Hot Zone" before as "the place where conversation about homosexuality and faith and God are no longer the unspeakable topic". I've also called it "the forbidden territory of questioning church, interpretations, and paradigms". It's refreshing to me because challenging my own previously held (or even current) beliefs hasn't weakened what I believe, but rather it's revealed and even shaped them. I find that most people are unwilling to do that for themselves and they are the one's who have the hardest time engaging in dialogue about being gay and Christian.

However, I think that the dialogue is important. How can people who disagree about these things enter the "Hot Zone" productively? How can a straight person who doesn't agree with the "gay lifestyle" connect with a gay person in a way that doesn't portray the kind of judgmental condemnation that scares them away from the Church? How can a gay Christian who believes that monogamous same sex relationships are acceptable connect with another gay Christian who believes that we should be celibate? How can an "ex-gay" Christian connect with a gay Christian without an eruption of hostility?

I had the honor of being asked by my friend Justin Lee to write a paper on any topic I wanted to serve as a resource over at GayChristian.Net. I decided to write about this "Hot Zone" and all of us mixed together with differing opinions. I'd love to get any feedback from anyone.

Click here to read my paper entitled "Building Relationships That Matter: A Framework For Entering The Hot Zone".

Lil' Rascals

I've always wanted to have kids. For many reasons, i suppose. I even had names for the lil' rascals set aside (considering my spouse agreed, of course). There was my boy Matthew Brian. Then there was lil' Nicholas Andrew. I've also liked the names Caleb, Melissa, Samantha, and Justin. All cute names, I think.

I love Angel's blog because I know that 9 times out of 10 I will end up smiling, giggling, or bursting out in laughter - not to mention the "awwww" - after reading one of her posts. She's got such a wonderful family and I love it when she talks about her kids. There was the one about the lizard. There was that hilarious one about the velociraptor in church. And of course there was the cute one about the elmo suitcase.

I've mentioned before in a previous post called "Hope of Having Children" that I was a bit concerned about whether or not i'd be able to have natural born children of my own if I came to the conclusion that gay relationships in the context of commitment, love, monogamy, and faithfulness were acceptable. I know many gay couples that have kids who have adopted. Even before I started this journey of mine, I had been thinking that in addition to kids with my wife we could adopt as well. Lord knows how many kids are in need out there.

Geek Boi wrote a post that got me thinking about kids again. What would I have to give up to have kids? I've grown accustomed to living on my own and having my own space (especially since I was able to get my own apartment again). For starters, i'd have to give up sleep. Many friends of mine tell me about the staying up at 3AM because the little bugger won't fall asleep. I'd definitely be grocery shopping differently. I typically get healthy foods anyway but I'm sure i'll be getting lots more of the "fun" foods. Of course, there's the taking the kids to school and picking them up. There's the talking about our day at school or work conversations that we'll be having. I'm typically pretty patient but I suppose i'll also have to get used to the crying, then the whining. And i'm sure there's much much more to give up and to gain and to look forward to.

Whatever it was that I'd have to give up, adjust to, or learn, I'd gladly do it to be a good parent. Whether I'm raising them with a 'he' or a 'she', I pray I won't be doing it alone. That's a chapter in my life journey that I'm definitely looking forward to.

Irreconcilable Differences

One of Brian Harmon's posts got me thinking about how my views and opinions have changed over the past several months. I've always thought of myself as pretty conservative but I wouldn't get that impression if I reread some of my past posts. I used to be adamant about the sinfulness of homosexuality but now I'm inclined (but still open to the other views) to think that the context of loving gay relationships can't be categorized in the same context of idolatrous, lustful, and promiscous activity.

A very good friend of mine was highly wrapped up in the tension in the Episcopal Church here in the United States and her church was a strong advocate against their denomination's stance regarding the issue of homosexuality - their acceptance of "practicing" homosexuals as clergy. Through my friend, i got an inside glimpse of the side that broke off from that denomination. A group of churches here in Southern California were the first to split association from the Episcopal Church USA and placed themselves under an Anglican bishop in Africa.

I used to pray with them as they struggled through the whole process of breaking away. I've never been a denominational kind of person but I could see how hard it was for them because they took such pride in being "Episcopalian". Their expression of worship has high value in tradition, structure, and liturgy. It was a tough thing for them to split from their denomination. Irreconcilable Differences. They still consider themselves "Anglican" but it was a pretty tough "divorce" for them to go through.

Gosh, what would my good friend think or say to me if she knew that now I'm sympathetic to the "enemy".

No Need For A Rebuttal

". . . unlike homosexuals, heterosexuals sacrifice themselves and their personal desires for the sake of their partners. They commit to each other and care for each other even when times are difficult. Being 'gay' is only about sex, and that's no way to have a life . . ."

This is a tiny exerpt from a post called "How Not To Make Me Ex-Gay" over at PositiveLiberty.com where Jason Kuznicki posted a composite letter similar to many that he typically receives from people that are ex-gay or are from ex-gay ministries. It's definitely worth checking out - and note the way he uses the pictures (with dates) throughout the letter. It was kewl - no need for a rebuttal to the letter because a picture sometimes does speak a thousand words....

Truth Sets Free

I was listening to GCN's online radio show today and they were interviewing Justin Cannon, the founder of TruthSetsFree.net. They talk about the interpretation and translations used in what is now todays versions of the Bible for the word "homosexual". Justin said something in a way that I had never heard phrased before. He said that the Bible talks clearly about prostitution and adultery but it doesn't condemn heterosexuality. Those things are distortions of heterosexuality. Similarly, the references to homosexuality in the original greek and hebrew scriptures weren't referring to same-sex relationships but rather in the context of abuse, rape, violence, and idolatry. I thought that was an interesting point.

He also noted that the word "homosexuality" wasn't coined until the 19th century. So what we think of when we read the word "homosexuality" isn't the same as what the Bible was referring to several thousand years ago. I've spoken to several straight people about that and they seem to just write it off as if it's irrelevant. In fact, I get that alot when I talk to some people about what the gay Christians are saying about why they believe being gay is okay. They just kind of dismiss it as if it's not worth investigating - no reason to challenge one's own beliefs. I used to be that way before this journey - I refused to hear anything related to gay Christian because I didn't want to hear the "lies". I didn't want to get sucked into the sin of compromising "truth". I'm finding that that's pretty arrogant and ignorant. I believe that questioning one's own beliefs doesn't weaken them. Rather, it reveals them.

They talk about quite a few other interesting things. Check out the interview by going here, then find the October 14, 2005 episode with Justin Cannon.

"I'm Gay, OK?"

Just wanted to make sure everyone knew about the upcoming Dr. Phil show episode called, "I'm Gay, OK?" that will be discussing issues pertaining to being gay, Christian, and a teenager. The episode will air tomorrow, Wednesday, October 19th. (Check your local listings!)

Justin from Gay Christian Network will be on the show to talk about a Christian context for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community while a priest talks about the need to "change" or be straight.

For those who have recently discovered Two World Collision, take a look at one of my previous posts called "Insights From A Visionary" talking about Justin.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

I read an article called "Student Expelled For Being Gay Takes Case To Supreme Court" that came out last week. It's about a case in Florida where a student attending a Christian high school was asked by the chaplain if he was gay. The student, Jeffrey Woodard, was pulled out of Bible class and was directly asked the question (in confidence) if he was gay. Jeffrey answered, "yes". A school official called his mother and told her that Jeffrey could not attend the upcoming school retreat until they met with the school to talk about his "sexual orientation".

[ **Remember the craziness last month about the student being expelled because, not she, but her parents were lesbian? ** ]

I understand that the school had a policy and everything but I couldn't help but think that the school administrators were worried about Jeffrey being around other students at this overnight retreat. Is Jeffrey somehow dangerous around other teenage boys his age because he's gay? I know the article doesn't mention this, and perhaps i'm reading "into" it, but i noted after reading the article that they weren't so much concerned, at first, about his enrollment at the school than they were about him attending this retreat. It seemed like they'd allow him to stay enrolled if he went through "therapy". When Jeffrey's mother defended her son and said that she didn't think he needed therapy, the school expelled Jeffrey.

Here's another thing i noted.... The school chaplain put Jeffrey on the spot and directly asked him the question. It wasn't as if Jeffrey sought the chaplain's ear to volunteer this information. I don't know how comfortable Jeffrey is or was about his sexuality but I do know that when I was in high school i was extremely uncomfortable about people knowing. I can only imagine how I would feel being directly asked the question during a time when I was trying so hard to look "straight". That's the kind of fear that drove me to isolation, depression, and attempted suicide back in 9th grade.

What ever happened to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"? Yeah, i know - high school isn't the Navy.

Children of Divorce

I never really talked much specifically about my parents divorce. I sort of mentioned it in an early post back in July called "Thinking About My Dad". I've probably referenced here or there in other posts about my attempted suicide which I've intended on posting more details about but never got around to it. (I will though, it's an interesting God-event in my life.) My parents divorced when I was about 11 years old and it was a huge contributor to my state of mind when I tried to kill myself a few years later.

Anyway, the reason I mention it is because I saw an interview on The Today Show yesterday with Matt Lauer (he's crazy cute, me thinks - sorry, i didn't mean to gross you out) speaking with Elizabeth Marquardt, author of "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce." Thanks to my trusty TiVo Series 2, I was able to rewind the interview and jot down a few notes that I found interesting:

**For those interviewed in the nationwide study answering the question, "I felt like a different person with each of my parents," 43% were from divorced families; 21% were from intact families.

**Matt Lauer said in response to that statistic, "These children were forced to take on two different personalities almost to fit in to each household that they had to go to..."

**Elizabeth Marquardt responded, "Right, and when they grow up it really becomes difficult for them to know how to be their whole true self with another person."

I found this interesting because I can affirm this in my experience. I chose to move from Hawaii away from my dad to live with my mom here in Southern California. It was difficult relating with my dad after that and it really was like I was a different person when on the phone with him. Granted, much of that had to do with me trying to cope with the divorce itself, but in terms of my personality I was definitely different. How much of this did I carry with me into adulthood? (Her book actually infers that children of divorced parents take alot into adulthood.) This is the first time that I've heard the suggestion that I learned to adopt a dual-personality at that young of an age - when they got divorced. I easily applied this to my secret sexuality as well. In both contexts, both the divorce and me being gay, I can see how they were both coping mechanisms for me and at the same time contributed to me being confused about my identity.

Another interesting quote from the interview was:

**Matt asked her about what other people say that, "Children are resilient. They will bounce back from a divorce. The effect perhaps is short term but not long term."

**Elizabeth responded with, "Simply not true. Divorce shapes children in their inner lives in lasting ways that turn up in young adulthood."

I can affirm this as well in my life. After I tried to commit suicide and survived during my freshman year in high school, I kind of blocked out the whole divorce thing until late senior year. After that, I thought about it alot. Even through my early college years, I found myself bitter with both my parents. These feelings, combined with my same sex attractions and also my developing faith life, had me feeling pretty torn - between three worlds even.

I'm sure there are some out there that would presuppose my same sex attractions are connected to the way I was raised and my parents' divorce.

God Loves Freaks Like Me

Sometimes I just feel so..... un-normal. It's a familiar feeling actually. I look around at the people around me and I just realize that I'm not like them. Maybe it's baggage - in fact, i know it's just my baggage because it's not like the people around me do anything to make me feel like this. It's just something inside me that senses a kind of distance. It's like feeling like I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I don't belong in this body. I don't belong.

Now, of course that's silly because I've been and felt more connected now with people than I have for most of my life. I have friends that I feel connected with. I have family that I feel connected with. I know I'm loved. I have acquaintances that I'm nurturing to be friends. I'm gradually becoming more comfortable with the reality that I'm gay - and even talking more openly about it (within safe circles). I like living in this city that I'm in. I think I have a good balance between my social life with friends and taking time to be by myself. I know the grace of God and I love Jesus personally.

So why do I feel like a freak sometimes? Some would say it's a demon bothering me. Some would say it's hormones. Some would say I need to get laid. Some would say it's because of my sin. Some would say, 'yes, you are a freak'. Do I need to have a reason for why I feel different? I don't know. I just do. But maybe God can speak to me even as I am now. Maybe that's it. God loves even freaks like me! (LOL - i'm actually having this silly conversation in my head.)

Sigh. So . . . .

How can I redeem this post? Um.... oh, how about this: I'm realizing today (more like right now) that this journey of mine includes accepting myself the way I am. Regardless of the conclusions I come to regarding sexuality and faith and how I ought to live my life (yadda yadda yadda), nothing removes the fact that, because of Christ, I am acceptable - to myself, to God, and more than likely to my loved ones (and hopefully to you). Perhaps that's a rock solid enough for me to stand on.

Into the Shadows of Shame

There are some things that I know, without a doubt, are absolutely wrong. There are things that are most definitely sin - without debate. These are things that can only cause harm and draw all involved into the shadows of shame. These are things that I am capable of.

It has nothing to do with me being gay. It certainly has nothing to do with me being Christian. It doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with me being a man. Yet, I know that there is an absolute distinction between a loving relationship and a lustful encounter. No excuse can be made for such things - neither being gay nor even simply struggling with same sex attractions, nor being forgiven and under grace, nor having gone without sex for a lengthy period of time. There is no rationalization that can be made when certain actions clearly fall within the category of "sexual immorality".

We can engage in a dialogue about whether or not same sex loving monogamous relationships are acceptable to the Lord. Some may say that these relationships are acceptable because of its loving context. I would think that it's difficult for other people to conceive of such a thing - being more focussed on the same gender aspect of the relationship rather than acknowledging the loving aspect of the relationship. I have seen these kinds of relationships and what I find difficult is saying that what they say is love - actually isn't. How can an outside observer really measure what is in a couple's heart? If you spend enough time in relationship with these people, you will find it difficult to deny their genuine love for one another because you will see good fruit.

However, what I feel must be made clear is that there is a distinction between loving gay relationships and unloving sexual interaction. We really have to be honest with ourselves - are we connecting in love or are we colliding in lust? Now, the application of God's grace through Jesus Christ is definitely relevant because we are allowed to approach the Throne. But as we approach the Throne, we must do so honestly.

I am a sinner. There are things that I've done in my life that I am ashamed of. Things that I know do not fall under the category of love. These are things done either in my mind or in the physical world. I know what it's like to burn with passion. I know what it's like to desire something that is not of God. I know what it's like to experience the temptation of my flesh and to purposely ignore the cries of the Spirit so that I may indulge in only moments of pleasure. I know what it's like to flee and run and hide in the shadows afterwards, knowing that my sin shames me to the point of not being able to look at my Lord in the eye - much less at myself in the mirror. I know what it's like to wonder, "how in the world could God ever redeem me and how could God possibly use me for His will when I have such dirty hands and an impure heart?"

You see, there's this dynamic of realizing the ramifications of my sin. I know that I am forgiven and that I have grace available to me, but there are still consequences that I have to live through. I call this the "fall out" of my sin and it makes me cry out, "Lord, what have I done!?" I realize that i was completely selfish. In lust, it's more about what I can experience than what the other person feels and it's about if I can somehow get more. It's about me degrading the person - whether consensual or not - objectifying the person's body without any regard to whether or not the person is experiencing shame or not. I also realize that there are effects left behind after the sin. We are both left with shame - this is clearly evident when one of us quickly makes an exit. But what if the other person doesn't know how to handle that kind of shame? What if the other person can only cope by medicating the pain? More sex. Drugs. Violence. Suicide. I know, that even in my shame, the Lord is working in me - convicting me, restoring me, teaching me. But I don't know what's going on in the other person's heart or mind. What if I caused the domino reaction of instability in another person's life that caused or contributed to serious harm - or worse, made the person's heart that much harder towards God?

I can only leave such things in the Lord's hands. Yet, this is a burden that comes with the "fall out" of my actions. I know that this journey of mine takes me down a road consisting of thoughts I used to consider taboo. However, it's easy to mix these things up with things that are still taboo. If the Lord would lead me to it, I would want a life-long loving relationship with another person. But I must make that distinction between love and lust because I know that the Lord would never lead me down a road of such selfishness. It's not just my life at stake.

Shattered Paradigms

The very notion of being Christian and gay seems like a paradox - two seemingly contradictory things that should not be together and most certainly cannot be true. But Jesus continues to shatter my paradigms, understandings, and interpretations. He reveals to me how confining my understanding of things has been. "You're missing the point," He tells me. It wasn't that I was putting God in a box. I'm the one who is in the box - that box of assumptions of what the world is like.

Jesus shattered the disciples' paradigms who were often 'missing the point'. He said that it's not just about the act of murder but rather the anger in one's heart that is subject to judgment. He said that it's not just about committing adultery but rather the lust harbored in the heart. He said that it's not about avenging 'Eye for an eye, and tooth for tooth' but rather turning the other cheek and giving to those who would ask/borrow/steal from you. He said that instead of accepting the commonly held notion of 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy', rather 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you'. Jesus shattered the Samaritan woman's paradigm when He said that God's true worshippers will neither worship at Mount Gerizim nor Jerusalem but rather in spirit and truth. The Lord shattered Peter's paradigm when He led him to enter the house of the Gentile centurion Cornelius (who had already been worshipping the Lord without Peter's validation) saying, 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.'

History tells us that some things that mankind so zealously believed were way off the mark. They were often 'missing the point'. And pride often prevented people from accepting a more accurate view of the world. The Earth revolves around the Sun and not the other way around. The world is actually round and not flat. Gentiles do have a place in the Kingdom of God with Israel. Women are not subservient to men and black people actually do have a soul. God does not live in houses made of stone and the Church is not the building.

Could conventional and traditional thought regarding being Christian and gay be wrong as well?

My Sole Responsibility

Am I telling people the truth? This question is one of the hardest things about this journey I'm on. God has pointed me in a direction and I'm walking it out. But what if I glance behind me and see others following along the path that I tread upon? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm being led astray - deceived? What if my journey causes harm? The risk I run with having my journey made somewhat public is that others could end up where I do. And that's kind of a frightening responsibility.

A good friend of mine noticed that I hadn't been writing on this blog recently as much as I used to. There are some days where I'll have alot to process and I'll be writing every day. Other times, i'll make a post once - maybe twice in a week. There are some days when I'll write three paragraphs, delete it, then write another three paragraphs about something else only to keep it as a draft and never post it. It's been a conscious decision for me not to blog if i don't actually have something to say. I'd hate to do this for the sake of doing it - just like i used to hate "going" to church simply for the sake of going. I think our lives ought to reflect purpose. And as we connect and interact with each other, let's affect one another - on purpose.

I realize that we each have our own responsibility. And I know that as I walk along side others in community - you and I - we each make our own decisions. We each walk with God on our own and we discern for ourselves what God says in our hearts. Yet it is my privilege to share that journey so that possibly I may serve as one potential means in which He may connect with others - and in that way, I can affect you in some way. And as those with whom I am in community with - you - share your journey with me, I can be affected. We are a community on a journey together - affecting each other through our relationships - on purpose.

So am I telling people the truth? I don't know. But at least I'm telling people about Jesus as He interacts with me. I'm simply sharing my process in light of my understanding of Him who is the Truth - Jesus. I am pursuing Him. And as long as I remember that this is my sole responsibility, then I can trust that any of us on this journey taking similar steps of faith will be on that same track approaching Christ.

So what have I concluded thus far on my journey? That God loves me as I am. A Christ-centered gay man. This leads to many more questions. What does it mean to be Christ-centered? What does it mean to be gay? What does it mean to be a man? What would it look like if I chose to be a Christ-centered gay man on purpose? Side A? Side B? Side X (Ex-Gay)? For too long I chose to believe what the mainstream church proclaimed - that despite grace, I ought to circumcise my sexuality. From what I've learned thus far, we are the ones who read into scripture the assumption of a standard for heterosexuality. But if I remove that assumption, then I discover that God is more concerned about how I love than who I love.

My journey is about preserving my sexuality while exploring the way God wants to transform how I express my sexuality in the context of honest love. It's not about me trying to make my faith fit into a nice little gay box that I create. It's about me being released from my box to live out my faith as I am so that I can be transformed to be more like Him. That's my truth. That's my journey.

Taking A Bullet

Are there more people today that I would be willing to take a bullet for than there were last year?

Yeah, i think i can confidently say that there are. I've invested quite a bit of time over the past ten months building significant relationships, establishing new ones, and even nurturing a few existing relationships. (Sadly, no romantic relationships - yet!) Before, I never really considered the value I placed in relationships. Perhaps I was so focussed on not feeling connected with friends that I neglected to fully appreciate the friends that I did have. I guess you can say I took them for granted. Do I have the kind of relationships that I would be willing to die for? Take a bullet for? Place my life in harm's way for? Do I have relationships of substance that would absolutely devastate me if they were "gone" and I'd cry out "take me instead!"?

It's kind of scary actually to think how lonely I felt just a little over one year ago . . . .

It was a depressing time. It was also a self-focussed time. (And this was when I was in an ex-gay frame of mind - rejecting my sexuality!) But now that I have intentionally connected with people who would actively support me in my journey, I'm learning how powerfully transforming some relationships can be. These are good friendships with people who share similar passions, are refreshing to be around, and are willing to live out life together. These are friendships with people with whom I can laugh and joke around with, people I can establish Sunday or Friday traditions with, people with whom I can create history with. These are the kind of relationships that I value - that I'd die for - the kind that I chose to develop since they used to be so rare in my life.

It really was a choice for me. It was a choice for me to live out my faith in community with others. It was a choice for me to establish several different pockets of communities - people with whom I am the Church with and they with me. What better way to extend love than to live out a relationship with someone?

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." - 1 John 3:16

Yet there are many people in the mainstream church unwilling to do such a thing for people like me - gay Christians. Many of them choose not to acknowledge people like me as their fellow brother in Christ - a Christian. They choose not to love. But would these particular mainstream "church"-ians take a bullet for me?

"We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And He has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." - 1 John 4:19-21

I heard last night from the pastor of ODM that "it's easy to have a harsh opinion of someone when you are not in relationship with the person". It's true. I've said before that "issues" don't get so black and white once it becomes personal - or in other words, it's harder to condemn a person when we know someone personally who is experiencing the issue.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 13:34-35

I think it's a choice for us all - to reach out and connect, to embrace someone we may disagree with, to establish a relationship with each other. It's this kind of lifestyle of love that we as the Church - the Body of Christ, a community of faith committed to living it out together - are marked by. Let's not simply proclaim that we'd take a bullet for our friends. As a community, let's live out our faith with each other as if we are taking a bullet for each other.

Insights From A Visionary

There are those who walk a journey and there are those who look three hills in the distance and see what lies on the road ahead. The latter are the navigators. The visionaries. The ones who walk the journey with their heads lifted up taking note of where we've been, where we are, and where we need to go. They don't determine the path of the journey we're walking, but rather they point us in the direction we ought to go.

Justin Lee is one such visionary. He is a navigator for over 2,500 gay Christians all around the world registered at GayChristian.Net (GCN). A humble leader with a team of people, Justin is the founder and executive director of GCN. They are "dedicated to enriching the spiritual lives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered Christians of every denomination". I have found this organization to be an incredible resource of information as well as a bridge connecting people all around the world that are exploring or living out faith in the context of being gay.

Justin gives a keynote address at the 2005 Evangelicals Concerned ConnECtion Conference that was so awesome I had to listen to it twice. With both humor and insight, he discusses three important issues that need to be addressed regarding the Church and Gay Christians, and he presents four factors that should mark the next generation of distinctly gay Christian ministries. As a friend of mine, I find Justin to be encouraging. As an orator, I find him to be hilarious and entertaining. As a visionary, I find Justin to be one who's eyes are fixed on Jesus - the author and perfector of our faith.

Listen to his keynote address entitled, "GLBT Christian Ministry: The Next Generation".

Thanks To A Friend

Big thanks to JJ - my awesome friend and fellow blogger over at "Christian, Gay, and Confused" - for the initial leads and links to the blogger hacks that helped me to reformat Two World Collision's template and to include the RECENT COMMENTS feature that you see to the right.

I hope everyone likes the new look!

Being Happy With The Man In The Mirror

Five or six months ago, I wasn't happy. It's amazing for me to think that. Sure on the outside I put on the plastic smile and endured the surface conversations - "how are you?" "good, how are you?" "oh i'm good." - type stuff. I kept myself busy by working beaucoup hours (that's french for working lots and lots and lots of overtime). That was always easier for me - I had an excuse why I couldn't connect with other people..."I have to work." I didn't want to connect with people because I wasn't really connected to myself. I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror. I wasn't happy.

Jesus met me there at that place of personal and profound loneliness and said, "Remember Me." And He wooed me back . . . .

Our relationship was rekindled and He began to show me the transforming affect of relationship. Connection. Four months ago, when I began to challenge my previously held beliefs, it wasn't that I was questioning Him. It was He who was questioning the way in which I worshipped Him. It was like that praise and worship song by Matt Redman called "The Heart of Worship" that has a verse that says:

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, when it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus"

He brought me to a place of trust. I had to learn to trust His love for me even when I looked in that mirror and didn't love who I saw. I began to realize that it's not about the person I see in the mirror. It's about Him. It's also about the person He sees in the mirror. This gave me the courage to confront the man He created - me. I had to face the part of myself that I learned to hate out of fear and public stigma. The Church taught me to hate myself for being gay. Jesus was teaching me to love myself regardless.

Last night, a buddy and I were a part of two different environments - both with very unhappy people. The first was a charity fundraiser for a hospital's new cancer center. It was a $150 per plate dinner for a bunch of suits and gowns at an auction. We were just decoration - we were dressed up in costumes to blend with the evening's theme and entertainment. As we looked around the room, we could see through the beauty and observed disconnected couples, distracted husbands, and superficial wives. Of course, this is a general statement (since we can't see a person's true heart) but there was definitely a sense of emptiness. Afterwards, we went to West Hollywood because I've never been and we happened to be close by. My buddy took me to a well frequented bar, we mingled a bit, then walked up and down the "gay strip". The street was full of people going from bar to bar to club to club - guys flirting and strutting and salivating and such, beautiful women dancing and flaunting awesome bodies.

Both my buddy and I saw the emptiness and loneliness of unhappy people in both these venues. Wealthy mucky-mucks and gay party-goers - both unable to connect and (I assume) having difficulty looking in the mirror. It's not a lifestyle I'm familiar with and so, forgive me, it's easy for me to judge. What I do know is that it helped me to realize the distinction between my journey and theirs. I'm not looking to live a "gay lifestyle" in the context of hooking up with guys for something meaningless.

The past four months, I've been connecting with real people - gay people, who have substance. These are people who have hopes and dreams and passions and interests. These are people who want something more, something real, and something lasting. Many of these people are Christian. Many of them are not. But they are becoming (and are) my friends. Connecting with Jesus allowed me to connect with myself. This in turn has allowed me to connect with others. Four months later, I can honestly say that I'm happy.