The Glamorous Christine

I first met Christine Bakke at the 2nd GCN Conference in Florida in January 2006. We were a group of four who went out for dinner and I remember falling in love with her smile.

Now THAT's a woman.

She's got an incredible story - a testimony of a woman who's faith has been through fire as she desperately pursued changing her sexual orientation. She saw the things she held dear in her life deconstruct yet she rose from the ashes - whole.

I suppose the irony of her experiences in ex-gay (Side X) ministries, as with so many of our own stories, is that in going to these places to "heal" us of our "brokenness", they actually broke us further. But as Christine says, "There's nothing to cure."

I agree with her in that our wholeness has more to do with authentically living out our faith as complete and God-loved yet imperfect human beings and less to do with simply being (or rather, acting) heterosexual. Wholeness is not about being gay or straight. It's about being reconciled to God through Christ. I think our task is to explore what that looks like in every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and sexually. As whole individuals, it doesn't mean we are straight. It means we love in more healthy ways. That's the point.

Christine was interviewed for Glamour magazine. It was an arduous process as she wrestled with having to accept anonymity for a long season (until the article was ready) for the sake of eventually being more known. You can read the article here.

She was also interviewed yesterday by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America. You can watch her here. You can read about it here.

She's got a blog at "Rising Up Whole" here. She's also the co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay. I mentioned before about the Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference at the end of June. I've already registered. You should consider going - even if you haven't been a part of a designated "ex-gay" ministry. If you've ever been a part of a church or religious climate that condemned people simply because of being gay and understand the heart-wrenching experience that is, then the conference is for you! And you'll get to meet Christine! (hehe, and me!)

Second Place Trophy at Division Speech Contest

I won the 2nd Place Trophy at the Division Speech Contest this past Saturday morning! Woo hoo!

I also had the support of some awesome SoCal GCN friends, not to mention members of my local Toastmasters club! Gosh, it meant so much to me to have them all there, especially since they all came from cities all around Southern California. They are such a blessing!

A fellow club member, Dana, competed in a different category and she won first place! So she gets to advance to the District Conference! As for me, I serve as the alternate in my category representing the district so in case *something happens to the 1st place winner* (grin), I've gotta be ready to go!

Afterwards, we went out for a celebratory lunch in Redondo Beach at a really great restaurant.

I had alot of fun competing in the contest! It was great being able to share my message of community and citizenship with an audience full of public speakers. My goal was not to focus on winning the contest, but rather to effectively communicate the very same message that I have been giving to people in my community. If some of these awesome speakers can take something of what I shared with them and incorporate it into their own speeches, then the message can continue on way past me. I think I was able to do this so I consider myself successful! Plus, i'm very pleased with how I delivered the speech. =)

Be sure to check out the pics in the photo loops at the top of the right column!

Day of Remembrance

I just wanted to join the Virginia Tech campus along with Blacksburg, Virginia and the rest of the country in taking a moment to remember the victims of the tragic event this past Monday, April 16, 2007.

I've been watching and thinking and praying and processing all week. On Wednesday morning, I cried. I had planned on writing a post earlier but couldn't. For now, I'll take a moment to honor the heroes and to consider the survivors - family, friends, neighbors, classmates.

Go to Virginia Tech's Website here to check out their memorials, photos and news. You can also view various media, video and podcasts here.

Connect and Affect

I won my first speech contest in Toastmasters last Saturday morning! Woo hoo!!!!

(Scroll down to the bottom of this post to hear the audio of my speech and/or read the text.)

It was an Area contest which means that representatives from our club, Speak Out! Toastmasters, were competing against people from other clubs in the area. I was competing in the International speech competition and my friend Dana (in the photo) was competing in the Tall Tales competition.

As you can see in the photo, both of us won in each of our categories!

The International speech is supposed to be motivational/inspirational . . . .

A person who advances up the levels of this competition eventually competes at Toastmasters' International Convention at the end of summer where people from other countries will come to compete for the World Champion of Public Speaking title. LOL - wow, just typing that seemed super ambitious. How about for now, I focus on the next level of the contest which is competing at the Division level. There I'll compete against the winners of the 5 other area contests in our division. That's a bit intimidating for me because I know that the quality of competition will be so much better.

I was pretty happy with the response that I got from the audience. During the speech, I noticed people teary eyed, others smiling, and yet others giving me 'way-to-go' nods. I was really surprised at the way the speech was affecting people. I guess for an inspirational speech that's the kind of response I want, right? So i'm happy about that. Plus I got my first kewl little trophy for Toastmasters! I'm stoked about that!

Afterwards, me and my friends that came to support me all went out to Claim Jumper for a celebratory lunch. Fun times! It meant so much to me that they came and saw me but also that they celebrated with me afterwards.

I noticed later that day that it triggered weird feelings in me from my elementary years about the times that I was always sad when my parents missed out on awards nights or events or concerts or competitions that I was involved with. I was always wanting to make them proud but whenever I did well enough to be recognized, my family never got to see it and so I always felt like they never knew my real potential. I guess in many ways, I've felt that way most of my life. Hmm...maybe that's one reason why I'm an overachiever.....I'm still trying to make other people proud as if to validate myself. (Whoa, wasn't expecting that thought!)

So where was I? Oh, so I was very happy that these friends of mine came out to demonstrate their support. It really meant so much to me! (Thanks guys!)

Dana recorded our speeches and created an mp3 file of my speech for me. Even though I may be happy with the response I got from others about my speech, the perfectionist in me isn't so happy with hearing myself. After hearing the audio of it, I realize that I paused a lot during the speech. Some times, it was because of dramatic effect but other times it was because I was trying to remember the prepared speech. I know that I have much more work to do before the Division contest in two weeks. There are lots of places in the speech that can use some polishing up. I debated about whether or not I wanted to post the audio of the speech here for you to hear. I guess I'm doing it but just keep in mind that i'll be practicing much more. Plus, i've only been in Toastmasters for less than a year. =)

Either press the play button below or right click the link and 'Save As' to download the mp3 file:



Right Click Here to Download the Speech

Below is the text of the speech too in case you'd like to follow along. I don't think i'll be revising it too much for the next phase of the competition. I chose a topic for this contest that I could speak from my heart about. The message of "Connect and Affect" is one that I have been trying to live out myself while at the same time encouraging others to do the same. Hope you find it helpful and inspirational!

"Connect and Affect" by Eric Leocadio
Speech Delivered at Toastmasters' Area E-2 Contest in Long Beach, CA
April 7, 2007

Good morning - Toastmasters, distinguished guests, friends and family.

It was the Summer of 2006. I was in San Francisco for the first time and I had this bright idea of finding the Golden Gate Bridge all by myself. I drove around without a map. I just figured that I’d follow the signs to the “GG Bridge”. It seemed simple enough. I saw the bridge in the distance and headed toward it. I thought to myself, “I should be a tour guide! This was so easy!” I saw a pier with a really great view so I had my photo taken with the bridge prominently featured behind me as I posed like Superman after just conquering an incredible task.

I was so excited to show the picture to my friends and tell them about what a cinch it was to find. Then a friend told me, “Hey Superman, I hate to be the one to tell you this but – the Golden Gate Bridge – it’s orange not blue.”

You're kidding me! I was SO sure! I was telling everyone that this was the Golden Gate Bridge when it was actually the Oakland Bay Bridge! I was shocked and embarrassed.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m expected to be this red-caped super hero leader who knows exactly where we ought to go, but much of the time I feel like a Clark Kent stumbling through life just trying to figure out how to matter.

The prospect of changing the world can be overwhelming. So who am I to attempt such a feat? The vision is too lofty and the world is too big. I’m no Superman! I can’t do it alone. I need you! We need each other! We may not be able to change the entire world but perhaps we can simply strive to affect our own personal world – the place we live and the people we come in contact with. Together, we need to become the very heroes for which we cry out. We can be a community of heroes - simply trying to help in what ever way that we can.

Can you imagine what it could be like to see a formerly fragmented community working together towards a common cause greater than them? Imagine a community of such diversity that began to understand one another.

We can reinvent our world. How? With a campaign to connect and affect. We can be the catalyst for our community by bringing people together and developing meaningful relationships in meaningful ways.

Connect and affect.

We can start by investing in the relationships we have now. If we honestly nurture meaningful relationships among our own personal social circle by finding ways to regularly connect with them, then we will begin to establish history with each other and trust for one another. As we earn trust, we earn the privilege of speaking into each other’s lives. Thus, we are presented the opportunity to mutually affect one another.

While investing in the relationships we have today, we can also invest in our community. We live in cities that have needs. Why shouldn’t we serve those needs? We are citizens. It is our home. Let’s consciously and intentionally connect with our neighbors and local organizations, work to identify their needs, and find ways to mobilize support for them. We can take advantage of the opportunity to affect our community.

Once a month, I enjoy gathering a group of friends to participate in a 30-minute beach clean up with about a hundred other volunteers. There are men and women, fathers and mothers, children and dogs, school groups and youth groups – all coming together with a shared desire for a cleaner beach. It’s a fun way to see my neighbors!

We may not achieve the level of historical impact as heroes like Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony. Some of us may not even be able to find the Golden Gate Bridge without getting lost! But as we connect and affect with each other and with our community, we are making a difference!

Imagine what you could do in your city! Gather some friends together and adopt a street or beach to maintain. Help a widow by mowing her lawn or painting her home. Partner with a storefront business and sweep up their sidewalk. Be a mentor or tutor for a single-parent child. Feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, love the lonely or care for the sick.

Maybe we can’t change the entire world. But we CAN change our own personal world - our family, our circle of friends, our communities, and our city. A hero is just a regular person who acts upon the belief that he or she can contribute to this world.

Take off the glasses, Clark. YOU are Superman.

Collision at Work

So a crazy thing happened at the job Thursday morning. I was the first one in to work and began my routine of opening up the office. I turned off the alarm, turned on the photo copy machines, turned on the lights, turned on my computer, went to the front and opened the window blinds, unlocked the front door, stepped outside to grab the newspaper, went to the back of the office where the staff lounge is and sorted out the newspaper while preparing my morning oatmeal and banana.

Then I heard a car crash. We've had car accidents in front of our building before so I thought no big deal. Then I heard a second and much louder crash.

Uh oh. That didn't sound normal.

I left the staff lounge, turned the corner, and looked into the front office where I was just two minutes before when I unlocked the front door and opened the blinds. Lo and behold, I saw a steaming blue volvo where the front wall and door used to be.

Apparently two cars collided which sent one of them smashing through our front lobby. My desk faces the front door behind a counter. Had I been sitting at my desk, I would have looked up and saw this car heading straight at me! I can only imagine the shock of what it would have been like. Fortunately, I was neither at my desk nor in the front lobby at the time.

The funny thing is that when the fireman said that he was sorry that this had to happen at my work place, I told him that this was nothing compared to the kind of craziness that normally happens in this office.

There is way too much drama at work!

Beyond Ex-Gay and the Survivor's Conference

Today marks the launch of a new web site called Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg). It was started by my friends Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke as an on-line community for those who have survived ex-gay experiences.

Yours truly also has the honor of being featured in April's question of the month: What sort of ex-gay experiences have you had? You can read my response on this page. (I'm third down on that page).

Next month's question is: How has a book, movie or web site helped you in your ex-gay recovery process? I encourage you to submit a response on this page.

bXg has also partnered up with Soulforce and the LBGT Resource Center at the University of California in Irvine (UCI) by hosting the Survivor's Conference on June 29-July 1, 2007 here in Southern California. It'll be an interactive, community-building conference featuring the powerful stories of those who have had ex-gay experiences, but now understand that their sexual orientation or gender identity can be lived in ways that are loving and life-affirming.

Peterson Toscano will be performing his show "Doin' Time in the Homo Nomo Halfway House" for FREE and there will also be a FREE concert by Jason & deMarco. It's going to be awesome! I've already registered for the conference. I encourage you to do the same. Click here or also here for more info about the Survivor's Conference and to register.

Ointment Special Report: Ex Gay Movement

This is absolutely hilarious! It's funny to think that I was Side X - just less than two years ago!

My favorite one-liners from this: "I've conquered hunger." and "You should taste his potstickers, they are so good!"

ROFL. Enjoy . . . .

Peterson Toscano on The Montel Williams Show

My friend Peterson Toscano was in Los Angeles doing a taping of the Tyra Banks Show several weeks ago and I got to spend a tad bit of time reconnecting with him. We were both exhausted on that particular day prior to meeting but i'm sure we're both happy that we got to see each other again. I truly respect the man that he is and the calling and message that he's been given. I relate with him on so many levels and at the same time I learn so many other things from him that I didn't understand before at all!

After hanging out with Peterson, I took him to the airport. He was on his way to New York to do the taping of the Montel Williams Show - a clip seen below. He articulates his story so well - it inspires me to strive to do the same. In fact, it's because of him that i've been entertaining the idea of becoming more public about my own personal journey and testimony of being both gay and Christian.

Peterson talks more about his experience on the show and about some things that didn't air on the show. Click here to read about it.

Here's a great clip from the show:

Casual Authenticity

So I finally came out to my gym trainer tonight.

Yeah! Remember a couple weeks ago (two blog posts ago) when I said I almost told him that I'm gay? I had a training session with him tonight. The door for me to tell him opened up and I decided to walk through it.

I think he might have suspected. Over the past few weeks, I noticed that he seemed to be inquiring a little when ever I mentioned "a friend". I wouldn't normally think anything of his inquiries because it's typical for the two of us to talk during my session about what's going on in our lives. I'm sure that after two years of me never talking about girls or football whenever he did gave him some kind of clue. But in recent weeks, he seemed a little different when he asked. He didn't do it in an offensive kind of way at all. Rather, he was pretty casual about it, but there was a hint of hesitancy when he tried to get a little more context when I talked about "a friend" . . . .

In most circumstances, I really would be talking about "just a friend". But maybe recently he got the sense that maybe I wasn't just referring to "just a friend" and was actually talking about someone a bit more than that. Could he tell? Did it show on my face? Was I flush whenever I mentioned him? I was probably thinking it but maybe he picked up on the fact that this time I meant "special friend".

Normally, my paranoia would kick in because I'd try extra hard to look straight. I'd panic at the very idea that I might possibly look like I was gay. In recent months, however, that paranoia has diminished as I strive to be intentional about my authenticity.

So as we began my work out session, we started to talk about each other's weekends. He talked about the fireman's test that he took and about his fatigue from the 5 mile run that he did earlier today. I talked about my friend that was visiting from Virginia.

I had told him about this visit two weeks ago when he asked me if I had any plans for Valentine's Day weekend. I wanted to tell him then that this was a friend that I was kinda sorta dating. But how would I tell him? By the way, I'm gay. And my friend visiting - actually, it's a guy I met online and we've never met. But we're kinda dating. And, oh yeah, we met through a gay Christian Web site.

How would I bring up this sort of thing without defending myself by explaining all kinds of context? Gosh, given only the facts, he'd think I was some kind of weirdo who routinely went on blind dates with online people. That wasn't exactly the impression I wanted to give him of me, the gay community, the Christian community, or even the gay Christian community.

So anyway, I missed my opportunity two weeks ago and just gave him the impression that "a friend" was visiting and we were just going to hang out. Yeah, I chickened out. So at the time, he proceeded to tell me about his break up with his girlfriend and that he had nothing special planned (anymore).

Tonight, I told him that my weekend was full of spending time with "my friend" visiting from out of town. And that's when he began to inquire further. Not too much, just a single question looking for context.

"Soooo . . . . was this . . . . a good friend of yours . . . . visiting?" he asked hesitantly. I remember thinking that he had a weird look on his face. He wasn't looking me in the eye so it didn't seem like one of his typical casual questions just to have conversation. He was fishing for something - much like the sense that I had been getting the past few weeks.

Here it comes.

While doing the exercises he was instructing me to do, I told him, "Actually, we're kinda interested in each other." I panted between words trying to cover up my own hesitation in saying the words by trying to come across casual and out of breath. I said it matter-of-factly because I was hoping that his reaction would mirror my own casualness.

He responded in kind with the same sense of casualness. Interestingly, he reiterated the fact that he and his girlfriend are still officially broken up and that he is currently "done with girls" for now so that he can focus on other things. He actually said, "I'm so tired of the drama with them!" (No, i'm not reading too much into this! He said the exact same thing two weeks ago before knowing about me and when he first told me that he and his girlfriend broke up.) So no, i'm not hoping or thinking that he's gay or bi. He's still very much straight, I think.

I tried to observe to see if he felt awkward or uncomfortable. He couldn't exactly react with hositility towards one of his best clients! So he didn't make an issue out of it and we both carried on with the training session just like we always have in the past.

But I could tell he was thinking about it. Or at least, my own insecurities let me think that he was pondering me. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh! I just came out to him!", repeating in my head over and over.

Funny thing is that I tried to butch up my workout even more. I did every exercise he told me to do with 110% effort because I wanted him to see that this new information about me doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to train hard and that I'm no different from any of his other male clients.

So now that he knows that I'm interested in some guy, maybe he'll eventually feel comfortable asking about "it" more - "it" referring to either the gay thing or the long distance interest thing. This opens the door for me to be casually authentic now. Now i don't have to be silent when he's talking about his own romantic interests. It'll be interesting to see if this becomes something we don't talk about or if he begins to feel comfortable talking about these kinds of raw talks.

What can I say? He asked for it!

A Moment To Catch My Breath

Since I haven't posted all that much in the past several weeks and so much has been going on, I figured i'd take this holiday (President's Day) off work to catch my breath and write you an update with some snapshots into what's been going on in my world. There are some new photos in the filmloop so feel free to check them out!

I've had people ask me about how things are going with Catalyst. Unfortunately, i've been on hiatus with it because i've been preoccuppied with so many other things. I'm still excited about the vision and the work in the community that i want to do. It's just that there are some preliminary things that I want to do before actively and visibly doing things in the community. Those preliminary things will require a good chunk of dedicated time. That's not something that I have an abundance of since I've been doing so many other things with family, friends, work, and romance . . . .

I've had some fun times with my family the past two months. At the end of January, my brother and sister-in-law had a reaffirmation wedding ceremony. They were married 10 years ago in South Korea because my brother was in the Air Force and so they never had a ceremony with all of the friends and family. I had the honor of being a groomsman, reading a Scripture verse during the ceremony, and giving the blessing at the reception. Last week, my family got together again for my mom's birthday. Then, this past weekend, we got together again for my niece's birthday. I don't show photos of my family online but you can see a couple pics of me looking spiffy in a tuxedo! =)

During the Super Bowl weekend, I hung out with some of my good buds. We spent time hanging out in the jacuzzi, playing Settlers of Catan, watching a movie, going hiking in the San Bernardino mountains and going out to eat. Fun times and beautiful mountains!

I'm excited for an upcoming speech contest with Toastmasters. Some time in March I'll be competing in our local club contest. The winner continues to advance through several levels that ultimately reach the international conference. I don't imagine i'd get that far but i'll certainly do my best! I've been working towards my Certified Toastmaster (aka Competent Communicator) distinction too. I gave my fifth of ten speeches in January and i'll be giving my sixth one this next weekend.

Work has been crazy busy with significant levels of drama and office politics. There's alot going on. Whatever. Good news though, back in December, I submitted a request to have my job position reclassified since the work that I actually do more accurately fits in with a position that pays alot more. After several months, they finally approved it! This means my salary will be more! Unfortunately, they didn't give me retroactive pay. =( But i'm still thankful to God for His provision! Me and my co-workers also unionized so we're about to enter into bargaining negotiations for a contract. I hope that goes well.

I've resumed my workouts with my personal fitness trainer at the gym. In 2005, I had him for six months and lost about 32 pounds. I've since gained much back and i'm pretty insecure about my body image. I've got the trainer for the next five months so hopefully in June, i'll be looking hot! Hehe.... I've also decided that i'm going to run and finish the 2008 Los Angeles marathon. I'm not a trained distance runner. However, over the next year, i'm hoping to get in shape and train for it properly. Some other friends of mine will be doing it too. My buddy is actually running this year's marathon on March 4th so i'll be there to support him. I'm figuring that training for a goal like being able to run a marathon will get me fit and healthy and the hotness will be a bi-product of it - as opposed to me constantly going to the gym out of a sense of insecurity. I think i can do it though!

I've been developing some good friendships with people from GCN. Some are at a distance and some are local. I'm happy about some of them relocating to Southern California and even here in Long Beach in the next few weeks! I'm hoping to continue encouraging a sense of community among local GCN people. We've had a few gatherings recently and there are more planned in the coming future. I'm thinking about starting a group - not really a Bible study, but more like a Christ oriented group that discusses things practically and walks with each other through things. We'll see how it develops. Unfortunately, i've been a poor friend with some of my other good friends and I haven't stayed connected with them as much as I know I should be. I'm so sorry!!!!

Remember that book that I was excited about? It was Jason Illian's "Undressed". I was going to post my comments about the book and some other friends were going to read it too. LOL, sadly, i must report that I haven't been able to get past the first chapter. I was excited about it in the beginning. And after reading the excerpts inititally I thought it'd be really interesting and really different. Maybe it is as a whole, but after reading the first chapter, I just kept getting frustrated. It's not that I disagree with anything he's written (so far), it's just that either i've heard it all before or i've had the thought myself ages ago and i've moved on with my life past the idea. I dunno, i guess i was just hoping for something fresh and refreshing. I know other people are liking it. Actually Jayson tells me that he got as far as the fourth chapter before he started disliking it. But in the first chapter, i'm reading the kinds of things that I taught to the youth group kids years ago. So on numerous occasions, i found myself saying out loud, "well, duh!" Anyway, I don't disagree with what he says. It's just that to me, it's not that original. I know, i'm being super critical of it and judging it based solely on a single chapter - but hey, that's what you get if your first chapter doesn't keep someone's attention! (That's gonna bite me in the a$ some day when it comes time for me to publish my own books.)

Maybe i'm just at a point in my life where I'm done with academics. I'm done with reading about dating. I'm done with reading about church and church models. I'm done with reading about theology and perspectives. I'm done with reading about Jesus. I want to experience Jesus. I want to live out my faith. I want to explore what it looks like to be the church - to be a gay Christian - to be in love. I want to engage the conversation about practical things. I'm so done with cheesy churchian catch-phrases and paradigms. I'm not afraid of making mistakes so long as i'm learning from the journey along the way. Jesus is still my Teacher regardless of whether or not people judge me for not attending the traditional classroom.

Last but certainly not least, and on a related subject, I wanted to tell you about a guy i've been getting to know. I like him. He makes me smile. And he lives on the other side of the country! Hehe, i know, it's not like i was looking for a long distance kind of a thing. Does anyone? It's just that . . . . sometimes, things just happen. I'm fond of him. He knows that. And we're just taking things one step at a time. It's not like I know what i'm doing here (and you know how I feel about learning about this kinda stuff from a book). I'm just following my heart and I'll see where it takes me. We've been talking for just about two months now. This past weekend, he came to visit and we met for the first time. It was so wonderful to spend time together! (He slept at a different location than I). So the past several days, we saw lots of Southern California! There's a few photos of us in the filmloop. He is sooo cute and I enjoy his brown eyes and his smile. Every once in a while, he'll have this particular look on his face that makes me melt! And he thinks i'm gorgeous? *grin* - even as I am now before my personal training is done!

I'm still discerning how much about him i'd like to share with you on this blog - i'll explore that with him. My family got to meet him and they like him and tried to make him feel welcome. I mentioned his arrival to a couple people at work and they were supportive. More and more, i'm journeying through what it looks like to be comfortable being me - gay and Christian in every context.

The journey is a fun adventure! I just have to remember to take a moment to catch my breath.

Accepting The Whole of Me

[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics as you listen to Jadon Lavik's "What If" on YouTube.]

I was *this* close to coming out to my gym trainer tonight.

We were in the elevator after completing my workout and he asked if I had big plans for Valentine's Day. Sigh. It would have been a perfect opportunity to talk about the "guy" that i'm interested in. But I chickened out. My trainer and I have gotten to know each other quite a bit. In 2005, I was with him for a six month stretch (helped me lose 32 pounds), then for another two months that year. Even through 2006, we'd chat every now and again. Now i've secured his help once again for another six months. And I still haven't come out to him.

Do I need to tell him? Does he need to know? Hmm. Well, the thing is - we've been getting to know each other. Why shouldn't I want him to know me authentically . . . .

Over the past several weeks, i've been many things. I've been a groomsman. I've been a brother. I've been a son. I've been an uncle. I've been a friend. I've been an ass. I've been a jokester. I've been a slob. I've been a snob. I've been a stereotype. I've been a romantic. I've been a loner. I've been a photographer. I've been a speech writer. I've been a host. I've been a hiker. I've been a client. I've been a blimp. I've been a guest. I've been a room mate. I've been a stranger. I've been a savior. I've been a punk. I've been a fool. I've been a student. I've been a teacher. I've been an example. I've been a consultant. I've been a counselor. I've been a closet-case. I've been a basket-case. I've been a leader. I've been a disciple. I've been a seat-warmer.

Of the many things that i've been over the past several weeks, I've been learning to accept that who ever I am at any given moment and in any given context, it's okay. . . . It's simply okay. I can own it unapologetically because the truth is that I am not any one of those things. I am all of those things. And so even though I may fall short in some respects or I may disappoint someone or I may fail to meet another's expectations or standards - I am learning to live out the simple idea that God loves the whole of me. Further, He accepts the whole of me. And if I believe that - or at the very least, if I say I believe that - then I also have to accept the whole of me. If I can accept me, then perhaps I can begin to present myself to the world authentically.

"Coming out" isn't about telling my gym trainer that I'm gay. For me, coming out is more about living an authentic life. It starts with me being okay with me - along with all my strengths, short comings and insecurities. Then it is genuinely expressed in my interaction with others. The key, I think, is that it doesn't matter if those others are "okay with me". Their acceptance of me doesn't govern whether or not i'm okay with me. But at least they know me and we can move forward from there.

The scariest part of trying to be authentic is the vulnerability of transparency. I am still afraid of what certain people would think of me if they knew the "real" me. But it's not just being afraid of what they think. I'm also afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid of what I could lose. And yet, imagine what I could gain!

At the end of the day, i'm still very much a work in progress. And that's okay. I'll come out to my gym trainer when i'm ready. Maybe you'll come out to certain others when you're ready. I don't think everyone necessarily needs to know. Unless, that is, if I want them to know. Perhaps, learning to accept myself as I am will help me to accept you as you are and we will accept each other as we are.

On my journey, I don't simply want to know myself. I want to accept myself. I've got a ton of insecurities just looking in the mirror. I can't afford to be paralyzed by them. I've been silent too long. I've been timid too long. I just want to move forward so that I can live my life, love my God, cherish my family, comfort my beloved, appreciate my friends and honor my heroes.

I wanted to share with you this super awesome incredible song that my good friend Josh shared with me. It's one of my new favorite songs! (Hehe, so of course every time I get a new favorite song, I've gotta share it with you, right?! - See my YouTube video index in the right column!) I think the song is "absolutemente fabuloso"! (Josh has been teaching me tidbits of spanish.) The YouTube video is just pictures so read through the lyrics below it as you listen to the song:



"What If" by Jadon Lavik
From the album Moving On Faith

What if I climbed that mountain
What if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

What if I were everyone’s first choice
What if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh

What if I ignored the hand that fed me
What if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less?
Lord would You love me less

What if I were everyone’s last choice
What if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before
then would you love me less Lord would you
would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
You do, You do, You do

What have I done to deserve Your son sent to die for me?
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold on to

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do

You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
I’m in awe of You,
I’m in awe of You.

The way You love me, the way You do
The way You do, the way You love me, You love me, You love me
The way You do, the way You do, the way You love me
The way You love, You love, You love

Uma Goodness and the Transgendered Believers

God still shatters my paradigms.

I'm not even surprised anymore. I'm amazed and in awe at the things the Lord does and shows me. But i'm not really all that surprised. He consistently makes me think, "Wow. I would have never thought . . . ."

Transgendered Christians.

Honestly, I don't even know if I had/have preconceived notions about the trans community. Truth is, I don't know all that many very well. The ones I've met have always been very nice and kind and awesome actually. But I haven't asked all of those tough and uncomfortable questions that help me to understand what it's like to be transgendered.

I don't understand the experience. I can own that.

And I think that, like me, many people place judgments on the trans community because we simply don't understand. Frankly, in my observation in my area, many of the G's, L's, B's, and T's don't regularly interact as much - and even tell jokes about each other - because we all don't understand each other. You'd figure that the GLBT community would be pretty united but it's not really - at least here where I live.

So as a gay man, if I can own the fact that I don't understand the reality of a transgendered individual, then I can presume that similar (if not harsher) judgments would be made towards them by the mainstream straight community.

And to top it all off, there are also Transgendered Christians . . . .

Is it so hard to believe that God would indeed be moving and loving within this community? Well, it was enough of a paradigm shift for me to accept the reality of gay Christians, like myself, who sincerely love God and don't feel like we're compromising core salvation doctrine. In theory, I used to make reference to the GLBT community within the Church and that the Church ought to make room for us - or at the very least, acknowledge us as spiritual siblings in Christ. But I had never gone so far as considering the reality of a person of faith who is also transgendered. There aren't all that many churches that are not only inclusive of the trans community but are also represented by the trans community.

Last week, I had the opportunity to visit one. It is a church in Riverside, CA called Safe Haven. It's a church plant of the New American Christian Church. Not only are they inclusive of all people, but they are also comprised of mostly individuals in the trans community. A GCN friend of mine does drag show sermons and so Anthony was invited as "Ms. Uma Goodness" to speak to their congregation. Anthony extended the invitation to some of us other GCN'ers. If you're interested in contacting the church, you can see them listed on this page.

It was amazing to see the genuine smiles on their faces as they worshipped the Lord. Not only were they obviously feeling free to approach the Lord authentically, but i can see that the smiles on their faces were because they were actually in front of the Throne as they worshipped.

Seeing Ms. Uma share the Word and be of tremendous encouragement to all of us was incredible. I was quite impressed by the way that God is using Anthony in ministry! I was proud to call him my brother and friend! =) Plus, I instantly thought Uma looked "gorgeous and fabulous"! (Anthony too!)

I know that it can be easy to judge them based on mere outward appearances. An observer may notice a person who appears to be of a male gender but is wearing a dress, lipstick, and a wig. It could cause a person to stare. A person may also be tempted to doubt the sincerity of their faith and worship.

But God doesn't judge by outward appearances. Rather, He sees a person's heart. As i spoke to many of these beloved people afterwards, I sensed an incredible love and heartfelt care from them. From what I had seen so far, I cannot deny that these indeed ARE my brothers and sisters in Christ!

Jesus talks about knowing a tree by its fruit in Matthew 7 and Paul talks in Galatians 5 about the fruit of the Spirit being love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I have witnessed this fruit in my transgendered brothers and sisters yet many people in the mainstream Church would deny that they are of the same Spirit. The irony is that they condemn with a form of judgment, disgust, and disdain for what they do not understand. If that's their fruit, what kind of a tree are they?

Throughout the service, I kept hearing God remind me of what He began speaking to my heart before I started my recent journey of reconciling my faith and sexuality. From 2003-2005, back when I was still Side X and thought it was wrong to be gay, I had been part of city-wide prayer meetings where we would pray against the gay community in our city. In my Sankofa testimony part 3, I talked about how God continued to pose two questions on my heart during these prayer meetings. Those questions were:

Why am I praying against a people I don't even know? Why am I praying against "them" when I am one of "them"?

Back then, He was showing me that not only was I not praying in love (when I prayed against the gay community, my community), but also that I had no idea at the time that He had been working and moving and loving within these very people I was praying against. I saw for myself over the past year and a half just how much He loves His people.

So during the service last Sunday, I looked around the room and I watched them lift up their hands in worship and they praised God with their hearts and there was a sincerity in their smiles. And God reminded me of how I used to pray against "these kinds of people". I heard Him say, "See. These are some of the ones I was telling you about. You didn't know about them, but I saw and heard and received their worship of Me."

And for that moment, I could imagine what Peter must have felt like in Cornelius' home when he saw these Gentiles speaking in tongues.

A Chair Strong and Sturdy

[Note: Scroll down to see the YouTube video of Joe proposing to Jason through a column of the Chicago Tribune. This one made me cry!!!]

I don't remember ever going on a third date.

I was having breakfast this morning with my pastor, his partner and a friend and as the conversation came up about dating and being single, I realized that I've never dated a person beyond three dates.

That makes me sound like a pathetic loser, doesn't it? Yeah, i'm a catch!

Well, considering that I haven't really gone on that many dates in the first place, plus the fact that it was only a year ago when I decided that I was ready to start dating other guys, I suppose I'm not *that* much of a lemon. It was also a little over a year ago when I talked about finding my Mr. Right and even when I talked about the kind of relationship dynamic that I was looking for.

In a year's time, I think i've only gone on a handful of dates. For many of those, I'm not even exactly sure if they were dates! I'd like to think that i'm ready for a relationship now. And as I consider the dating process, I've learned a few things from others that I'd like to incorporate into my approach . . . .

As you can guess from this photo, I'd like to start dating older men.

LOL.

I'm so kidding! Really I am!

No, actually, this is a photo of me with Dr. Ralph Blair, founder of Evangelicals Concerned.

We met at the recent 3rd annual Gay Christian Network conference in Seattle, WA last weekend. It was INCREDIBLE! By the way, if you haven't registered at GCN yet, what are you waiting for? Seriously, God has His hand on it and if you are searching the Web for some kind of support and encouragement, there is an amazing community of people who either love God or have had a churched/spiritual background and are also gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or trying to figure it all out.

(Be sure to check out the new filmloop photos of my trip to Seattle for the conference at the top of the right column of this blog. Click on 'Watch the Show' to see the larger pics.)

At the conference, Dr. Blair led a workshop on dating that I found to be incredibly useful. He framed the dating process and relationships in the context of a three-legged stool. He said that a good romantic relationship is supported by three things:

Mutual Involuntary Attraction

He says that in every good relationship, the sense of mutual involuntary attraction is present. As he relates it, he's not simply talking about thinking that he or she is hot. Of course, that could definitely be there! But this sense of attraction has more to do with the overall perception of the individual.

So as I think about it, this would mean that not only do I 'like' this person but I also 'like him as a person'. Additionally, he 'likes' me and he also 'likes me as a person'. I want to be completely crazy for the guy and I want that involuntary attraction to be mutual and reciprocal.

I guess the first leg of a strong and sturdy relationship rests on being 'into' each other.

Shared Values

Dr. Blair also talked about how important it is for both people in the relationship to share common values. I'd imagine that this could include fundamental belief systems - like the good ole churchian exhortation not to be 'unequally yoked'. While I don't particularly like the insistent references to this from the old paradigm guard, I do understand it. I too want a relationship with a person who shares my love for Jesus.

But aside from belief systems, I'd like to think that Dr. Blair would also include lifestyle values in this particular leg in the support structure of a relationship. I think that both of us should be on the 'same page' on certain things - including the process of our relationship. We should both be on the same page in regards to physical intimacy. We should both be on the same page in regards to spiritual foundation. We should both be on the same page in regards to the relational investment into our community of friends.

Personally, I want to be with a person who shares my paradigm of Church. That's important to me because I'm pretty much done with the old churchian approach to evangelical religion. Ideally, I'm drawn to a person that shares an organic approach to living out a lifestyle of faith and who isn't caught up in the typical "spiritual" routines that are defined by churchian expectations. (Wow, that sounded bitter, didn't it?)

I want to be with a person who is nice. Just nice. Kindness is a lifestyle value that I find hot. I think shared values includes a common approach to interacting with humankind. It's just . . . decent.

I suppose the second leg of a strong and sturdy relationship is being on the same page.

Committed Willingness to Be a Team

Dr. Blair talked alot about how crucial it is for both people in a relationship to be willing to be a team player. The frame of reference should be at "us". What are "we" doing? How does this help "us"? As he talks about it, I imagine that Dr. Blair is talking about commitment. Both individuals are committed to doing what it takes to make "it" work. I can see how frustrating it can be to feel like the other person isn't trying to grow the relationship.

When I'm in a relationship, I don't want to feel like I'm single. I definitely wouldn't want either of us to act like we're single! I'm not describing an unhealthy co-dependency to where neither of us can function without the other. But I am describing a relationship, committed by covenant, where we are joined together.

I'm not looking for him to complete me. But I would want a relationship that is complementary. I want a relationship where we are better together than we are apart. We are better people because we are together. And when we are together, we are THAT much more unstoppable! We're a team!

For me, being a team player includes mutual sacrifice. In a relationship, we want to make it work. If we want to see each other, we work around the details so that we can make it happen. If one has a request, then the other maintains a willingess to adjust without needing to be asked. For me, taking initiative is super hot!

Being a team player, in my book, also includes open communication. I don't think I need to know every minute of the day what he is thinking or doing. But I do want a relationship where I won't have to pry things out of him. I want him to want to share with me the things that are on his heart - whether they be passions or burdens. In this kind of a relationship, I want us to have a sense of safety. We trust each other enough to where we don't feel the need to keep up the wall that we would normally erect for other people.

So the third leg of a strong and sturdy relationship is being an "us".

As I enjoyed breakfast this morning with my friends, one of the things that I began chewing on was the idea that there is a level of intimacy that God reserves exclusively for Himself. As intimate a relationship can be with all three strong and sturdy legs supporting it, there is still a kind of intimacy that my partner cannot experience with me. It's an intimacy with God where I have to cross over and experience alone. Hopefully, he is doing the same on his own!

The key to this idea is that there are some levels of intimacy that my partner is simply not able to meet for me. He wasn't designed to meet that kind of spiritual intimacy that I can only have with God. This frees me (and him) to enjoy and appreciate each other without an unhealthy expectation that only God can meet. My partner doesn't complete me. God does. God completes me. He fills that one space in my heart that is designed for only one key - Himself.

So with all of this said and done, with the insight of Dr. Blair, i'm viewing my approach to dating as a screening process of determining with whom I can have a strong and sturdy relationship that is supported by mutual involuntary attraction, shared values, and a committed willingess to be a team.

I know I haven't dated a truck load of guys. And there are times when I wonder what my problem is - why i'm still single and why I don't date as often as I'd like? But I'm feeling much better about knowing that I'm just not out there experimenting through trial and error to figure out who's out there and what I like. I know what I like. I know what I want. I know what turns me on. Maybe there's nothing wrong with being "picky".

I've got my insecurities - big ones! - but I find relief from the dating anxiety in that I don't have to worry about whether or not I'M good enough or cute enough or smart enough or holy enough or fit enough or perfect enough. I can be a pretty flirty guy. I'm a HUGE flirt sometimes. But I want to know that a connection can exist between me and another guy beyond the fluff of flirt. If a mutual connection doesn't happen, then maybe neither of us has to take it personally. As Dr. Blair puts it, "It's simply a 'successful screening'".

So the questions i'm asking myself now on this part of my journey are:

*How can I maintain this framework with people I might potentially meet locally?
*How can I maintain this framework with people I connect with at a distance?
*What happens when I connect with someone at a distance in a way that has more substance with anyone I've met locally thus far? Do I deny it while using the distance as an excuse? Or do I hold out for someone locally where it'd be "easier" to build something with?
*How does any of this apply to online dating Web sites?

If dating is a screening process that uses the three legs as a framework and assesses suitors for the potential of a good healthy relationship, then the one that lasts and makes it through that process will be "the one". Maybe that's the guy that gets the second or third date! Maybe he's the one who becomes my "we".

[Remember, if you'd like to read the book "Undressed" by Jason Illian with me and others, get it now! I'll be posting about the first few chapters in about two weeks! Click here for more details. ]

A friend shared this one with me that seemed perfect for today's blog post. I totally cried after watching it! Here's Joe proposing to Jason in a column of the Chicago Tribune (click here to read the column):

We're Not Done Yet

[Note: Scroll down to see ME giving the commencement speech at my University graduation on YouTube followed by the speech transcript!]

It's been a long six years since 2001. When will I stop marking time by it?

Sometimes the regrets and mistakes of the past can anchor my momentum forward. I can never redo that year. It will never come again. It is the paralyzing memories of that "rock-bottom" time which is why the November-December season has always been a difficult one for me.

Though tethered to that year, the choice to move forward served as my redemption. I could no longer be bound by the past, so God planted in me new vision in order to shift my attention. Upon looking into His eyes, I began to see hope and that is how I moved on from the past. I began walking towards Him, and along that journey I passed the present to get to the future.

The best way to get over the quicksand of looking backward is to keep looking forward . . . .

And that's what I did in 2002. I went to a friend's university graduation and watched her being recognized for earning a bachelor's degree. Prior to this, I had been out of school for 7 years - went to University for 2 1/2 years after high school then stopped due to lack of $$. During the ceremony, I saw myself on stage getting my bachelor's degree. Further, I saw myself being awarded Valedictorian. Additionally, I saw myself giving the commencement speech. I saw all of this and I wasn't even enrolled in school! And I knew that God was speaking to me.

So three days after this, the following Monday, I went in to the admissions office of my friend's university. I filled out an application, was interviewed, arranged financial aid, and I was enrolled for the next trimester which would start in two weeks. On February 25, 2005, I was recognized for earning a Bachelor of Science in Computer Information Systems, with a 4.0 GPA Summa Cum Laude, was awarded Valedictorian of my class, and was given the honor of delivering the student commencement speech for the three-campus graduation ceremony at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. (See speech below!)

When I think about how challenging the past has been, God always restores my joy by reminding me of the wonders that He performed shortly after those challenges. While 2001 was marked by mistakes, failures and endings, 2002 was marked by grace, vision and new beginnings; 2003 and 2004 was marked by forgiveness, healing and climbing; 2005 was marked by completion, shifting paradigms and new journeys; and 2006 was marked by resolution, releasing and renewed purpose.

In just a few years time, I saw God bring me from a place of shame and closets to a place of acceptance and light. The darkness of the closet inevitably leads to a stubbed toe or a broken leg. As God brought me into the light to reveal myself authentically, I understood unconditional love. I understood just how much God can make good come from horror. I understood the potential of the future in spite of the past.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

So God keeps me forward-thinking.

And what of 2007? It could potentially be a monumental year! How can I dare to seize the year when insecurities plague me with paralysis, remind me of deficiencies, and magnify my sense of loneliness?

I think of my favorite Biblical hero: David. But not David when he was king. I think of David when he was just a young cute shepherd boy who dared to challenge Goliath. Saul told the boy David that he is not capable of fighting the enemy's champion. But faithful David recalled the times when a lion or bear would attack one of the sheep he was tending. In rescue of the sheep, David had killed both the lion and the bear. Goliath would be no different. (1 Samuel 17:33-37). David's faith was strong and confident because he remembered past victories and used them as evidence of God's track record.

Well, the Lord has certainly established a successful track record with me in the countless times that he's preserved my life, fixed my mistakes, forgiven my sins, restored my purpose, and granted me vision. Time and time again, I have witnessed God's wonders and glory in the midst of pain and suffering.

So I enter 2007 without fear, despite 2001. I anticipate struggles. I expect challenges. I prepare for obstacles. But I look forward to the lessons, the victories, and the blessings that will come because I know my God's track record. We cannot stand by on the sidelines when there is too much Kingdom work to be done. God is not done yet. And neither are we.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6)



Transcript of my Commencement Speech at DeVry University's Graduation Ceremony, February 25, 2005 at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California:

Good morning, to Dr. Dishman and Dr. Chu, to the Deans and Professors, to our families and friends, and to the graduating class of Fall 2004.

This is it! The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. So many people have invested in us – people who have loved us, cared for us, sacrificed for us, pushed us, and even hated us – but collectively they helped to propel us forward to this day. The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. But it’s not over.

Now is the time to give up…to give up on the idea that anything, really, is over. This is merely a transition – a part of our process. Most of us will be leaving DeVry. Where we learn may change, but we will always continue to learn…learn new skills, learn about ourselves, learn about the world. Now is the time to realize that we’re not done yet!

Now is the time to give in…to give in to the idea that we can do it…whatever our “it” is…we can do it! We have run this race – we’ve persevered. There are other races to run and to complete and to win. Let us choose to enter that race we call “life” – now is the time to believe in ourselves!

Now is the time to give back…to give back to our university, our family, and to our community. We have something of value to contribute. Let us remember to take that which we have learned and make it useful. Let us find ways to apply the skills and life lessons that we have learned and to sow them back into the world around us. Let’s find a way to encourage our professors; to bless our family; let’s find a way to mentor another person along similar or even different paths. Now is the time to invest back so that the collective return of a better world is reaped by us all.

We have come this far, but not alone. Friends and family, professors and peers, day care and health care, probation officers and loan officers – this day – this thing we did – we did together.

This is it! The time has come. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let’s say our thank you’s. Let’s say our apologies. Let’s say our congratulations. But let’s not say our good byes. We’re not done yet.

DeVry graduating class of Fall 2004 – see you out there!

Thank you.

Let's Get Undressed!

This isn't my New Year's post. I'm going to lunch with the family soon and i'm planning on writing that this afternoon when I get back, so stay tuned! (Happy New Year, by the way!)

I wanted to give you a heads up about a new book that I'll be reading. My good friend, Becky O in Grand Rapids, Michigan told me about this really awesome book about dating and being an adult single and issues of love and sex from a Christian perspective. The thing is - I've found all those other Christian dating books SO cheesy that I could never get past the first chapter without chucking it out the window. But this one seems different and Becky O affirmed that!

So would you like to read it with us? Go out and get the book if you want to and i'll start posting about it in about two weeks or so and we can discuss it. It'll be fun!

Last week, I read GCB's post about the need for us in the blogosphere to have examples of what healthy relationships look like. I love the way he casts vision and he typically inspires me when he does, so I think this will be a good start for the new year. Besides, a healthy relationship in 2007 for me is something that I definitely look forward to! *grin*

So the book is called "Undressed" by Jason Illian. Here's a summary of the book followed by a link where you can read a chapter excerpt:

"In a world where we don't know whether we're dating, courting, hanging out, living together, or just having sex, Jason Illian exposes the naked truth about relationships.

There is magnificent middle ground between "kissing dating good-bye" and "kissing everyone good night," says Jason Illian, who made waves on 2005's The Bachelorette for his outspoken position on sexual integrity. In UNDRESSED, Illian brings a fresh voice and much-needed perspective to the discussion of sex among single adults as he helps readers apply uncompromising moral principles to their dating relationships.

Can single adults embrace their sexuality without sleeping around? Yes, says this national speaker, budding TV personality, and former corporate executive who tackles the controversial issues that make dating so difficult. UNDRESSED helps single adults uncover their hearts and unleash their passions—without compromising their convictions."

Click this link for a chapter excerpt.

A Community of Heroes

[Note: Scroll down to see the YouTube video and lyrics of Avril Lavigne's "Keep Holding On" with scenes from the movie Eragon.]

This is Shawn. He's my pal. Be good to him.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about how great it felt to take the time to shop around town for Christmas items that would really make a friend feel thought of. Well, my Christmas package traversed approximately 6,617 miles on a heading 285.5 degrees West by north then 234.0 degrees Southwest by west to a location 34 degrees 05' North latitude and 118 degrees 22' West longitude, arriving at Colonia in the Federated States of Micronesia on an island called Yap, just a few days after Christmas.

I happened to be chatting with Shawn online when the package got there. See him in the photo fabulously modeling and displaying the items. Once everyone saw the gourmet flavored coffee I sent, he hilariously reported , "i think everyone in the room just had an orgasm from the coffee".

Shawn is a Peace Corps volunteer there and teaches over 150 juniors at Yap High School (I call them the junior yapsters). He just arrived there this past fall and he'll be there for 2 years - that's until 2008! It's a challenge for him - teaching the kids, being in a different land, missing his family and friends, not participating in the holiday traditions in the ways that he's used to, longing for tangible and affirming fellowship - but he does his best and he's simplying trying to help. That's what makes him one of my heroes.

Don't worry, the pedestal isn't too high. He's a normal guy just like you and me. But that's the thing about heroes - they are just regular people who believe they can contribute to changing this world . . . .

It seems so lofty - for me to claim or cling to a vision of making a difference, some kind of difference. Who are we to be in the company of the icons of history - Martin Luther King Jr, Susan B. Anthony, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Jesus Himself. The history books are filled with people who affected such massive and significant change. Did they know? Did they realize at the time that they were about to contribute to an unstoppable wide scale movement that would lead to the reformation of our culture and society?

Perhaps the scope of such ramifications were kept manageable by containing such vision and passion into a precise purpose - equality, freedom.

When injustice is revealed and the cries and calls to God are made, the true heroes respond. They are the ones who stand in the gap willing to subject themselves to the persecution of the majority so that aid can be given to the outcasts, the oppressed, the helpless and the misunderstood. It is this kind of sacrifice that grants them the respect of history.

But it's a lonely place. The role of the visionary is to help others see what is not presently and physically in front of them. It is to offer hope and assurance that what could be will indeed be. And it's to rally the community to own such a vision so that they become the very heroes that they are crying out for.

Take off the glasses, Clark. You are superman.

I had been so discouraged lately - the past few months or so. I'd had enough of life to deal with and it seemed too big a task to attempt to change my world. But the spark of vision remains.

None of us can change the world alone. We need each other. We are a community of heroes simply trying to help in what ever way that we can. We battle the elements. We battle our insecurities. We battle the persecutors. We battle the very conditions that we are trying to change. And we get weary. But at our core lies our passion and vision. And that drives us forward to keep holding on, to keep pressing on, to keep moving on.

I am honored to be in the company of such heroes - Justin Lee, Peterson Toscano, Shawn, Justin Rudd, Becky 0, Ron Belgau, GCB, Journeyman, Angel, Abigail Garner, my buddy, Bryan, Christine, Jay, the countless at GCN, and so many many more! These are all people simply trying to help, people casting vision, people creating conversation, or people trying to figure themselves out - struggling to see the hero in the mirror.

There are times when we feel like no one gets us. Sometimes we don't even get ourselves. There are times when we are longing for home or even still searching for where home is. There are times when we are desperately wondering if any of this is worth it . . . is any of this making any kind of difference?

We are not alone. We understand each other. We encourage each other. We hold on to each other.

The following song is for us. If you happen to be on some island out there in the Pacific Ocean with the slowest internet connection on the planet, take the time to let the song load so that you can enjoy it with us!



"Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne from the movie Eragon.

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Our Gift to the Infant King

Midnight is approaching and it'll officially be Christmas - for me that is. Gosh, when I chat and IM and PM and email with people from different parts of the world, it seems like i'm the last to experience the holidays - me being in Southern California and all. But that's okay!

So I figured I'd take a sec to write a quick Christmas post to extend my greetings and best wishes to you all. By now, I hope you know that I love and appreciate those of you who have journeyed with me this past year. And i'm equally excited and thankful to many of you who have come along within the year or even just recently. We all have such similar stories!

This season is about His story. Jesus - the Christ, the Messiah, the Savior - born into this world to reveal God Himself. Sometimes, we can forget about how significant His story is during this season because often times Christmas is simply a time of family, friends, decorations, gifts, traditions, crowds, shopping, lines and traffic. It's the hustle and bustle of trying to "make Christmas happen" that can cause us to lose focus on Him and His story. When the magi from the East approached the manger, they brought gifts to Him. So why is it that during our Christmas season, we give gifts to everyone else but Him?

Let's remember that Christmas isn't an event that happens. I doubt even that December 25th is actually and literally His birthday anyway. But that doesn't really matter, does it? Christmas is an annual reminder for each of us to consider a new beginning. It is through His birth, that we have new birth - a new life of purpose that acknowledges and reveres God. And so, it isn't merely an event for us, but rather a beginning of a new life that expresses a continuous lifestyle of faith and worship of the King.

When the season's trees and trimmings and traditions are done and over with, let's remember that Christmas hasn't ended. We continue to celebrate daily by living out our discipleship of Him who was born in us. Let's make sure there's room for Him INN us. Laying down our lives before the infant King, committing our loyalty to Him daily, and following after His Way - that is our Christmas gift to Him.

Merry Christmas, my friends!

(hehe, i put that cheesy part INN, just for Shawn!)

Shut Up and Listen

I feel like I've been such an ass to the Lord.

If you've read my other posts regarding my paradigm of Church and discipleship, you can gather that I'm less about the routines of faith and more about the relationship of faith. Well, honestly, I've been ignoring that relationship.

Despite the fact that I haven't given Him the time of day (as if He would need such a thing from me), He's been absolutely faithful to me - especially during the past month and a half when I really did need Him. He's the one that shot the beam of light penetrating through the dark clouds - revealing that the Calvary is on it's way, His help and assistance. He has heard and responded to my cries and prayers. He has come with comfort and joy and friends.

I'll be going to a church service again this Sunday, first time since right after my birthday. No, I really don't feel guilty about not going. And that's not the reason why I'm going. Nor am I going because it's the day before Christmas. I'm going because in my relationship with Him, I'm acknowledging that I haven't been keeping that relationship mutual . . . .

Gosh it takes me forever, practically, to realize that much of the frustrations that I have with people here on Earth can have a parallel with my relationship with Christ. Pretty much every time, I'm the one doing to Him the things that others frustrate me with. I ignore Him and I take Him for granted. And I really do know how He must feel because I hate it when I feel that from people that I love.

Over the past month and a half, I've been in a funk (which I'm out of) and my insecurities had me feeling undervalued at work, at home and with some friends. So if I can apply that to my relationship with God I realize that I've been undervaluing Him. That means I haven't been worshipping Him. Back in the youth group days, I used to teach that worship is "worth-ship" - communicating and living out the reality of God's value and worth to us. And I've been short changing Him.

I really do love Him. And I talk about Him. I pray to Him. I've encouraged others in His name. But i haven't been listening to Him. I haven't been receiving my encouragement directly from His throne. I've been looking in His direction, but I've been looking at things near His throne and around His throne, but not at Him - not in His eyes. And since I haven't been looking and listening to Him and was instead looking at others, He persistently sent His encouragement through them. It's crazy to think about that....even when I am too distracted to look at Him, He is so relentless in communicating His love to me that He will reveal it through the very things I'm looking at - even if it's not Him.

GCN has been an incredible encouragement to me lately. I've made my needs and requests known and they are so awesome to pray for me. And i've even prayed to Him for others. I really appreciate this cyber community. If you are looking for gay Christians in the world, and you've stumbled upon Two World Collision via Google (i know there have been many), I encourage you to go to GayChristian.Net and register as a member. There is such incredible support there!

But even still, for me, I realize that I can and should look to my Christ personally. It's not that I "should" because I have to. I "should" because I desire to nurture that oh so valuable relationship that I have with Him. In my earthly relationships, I strongly value a sense of mutuality. And yet, that's the very thing that I don't give to my own heavenly relationship with my personal Savior.

I'm gonna check out for a bit here, i need a moment ----------------

I'm sorry Lord for being distracted by the good and bad things of this world and neglecting to look in awe of You. When I went atop Signal Hill and overlooked the city of Long Beach a few weeks ago, this place that You have sent me and called me and planted me, I remember hearing Your voice and missing it. It was so gentle and, for the moment, I sensed peace in the storm of my own thoughts and insecurities. And yet, when i'm with You, I am completely secure because You've proven every single time that You accept me as I am. All my insecurities come from a place of me worrying that people won't accept me. But You have never rejected me and You never will. How can You love me so much? I don't understand. I reject myself alot of times. I project that onto how I perceive others and I assume that they reject me too. Yet, you persistently accept me. How and why? On at least three occasions, I should have died yet You spared my life. Why? I could have been with You and rested in Your arms and I could have been able to worship You undistracted. I miss You so much! As i imagine You miss me talking with You, instead of me talking at You or talking into the wind in Your direction. You know the things that have burdened me. I feel like my past mistakes and regrets anchor me. Will they ever go away? This time of year is always so hard for me. Lord, cover my regrets. I'm so sorry for what I have done before. How can You still use me? How can You still trust me? With anything having to do with Your Kingdom? Lord, Your peace overwhelms me. And I worship You. I really do value you. You are worth more to me than anything on this Earth that You created. You are worth more to me than anything that You have given to me - my friends, my relationships, my family, my job, my accomplishments, my dreams, my community, my things. I feel like You've rebuilt the things that I destroyed. I don't deserve what I have now because of what I took for granted before and screwed up. And yet, these things I have now, are gifts from You. Thank You. What can I do but to appreciate them and bless them the way that You have blessed me. Continue to use me for Your glory and praise and purposes!

----------------------------------checking back in.

Sigh.

He really has been so good to me. And as Paul said, the things I know I ought to do, I don't do, and the things I ought not do, those things I keep doing. I know I ought to worship Him more. I know I ought to listen to Him more. I know I ought to listen to Him more.

I think i'll take a page out of Peterson's approach to prayer and just shut up and listen.