An Anthem For The Outcasts

[Note: Scroll down to hear "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance and to read the lyrics.]

I used to think that participation in church culture was so vital to my spiritual growth. Instead, I realized that, eventually, it hindered it. As I dodge some of the stones that have already been propelled in my direction, let me also say that my use of 'church culture' refers to the religious routines and structures that attempt to govern what my worship, connection and interaction with God should look like.

I know I see the world so much differently now. Not just the world, but I see life and Church and purpose and connection so much more differently as compared to just a few years ago. It's not that I've left the foundation for my faith - something I imagine my critics and old friends would accuse me of. Rather, I think that the foundation of my faith, which is set in Christ, has enabled me to grow forward to experience His Deity in my life more profoundly.

In so many ways I feel like the Church's outcast. I'm one of them. I'm gay. I'm one of those organic faith people. I'm one of those feeling-driven Christians who has less faith because I don't "go to church" (or even "the same church") every Sunday. My discipleship of Jesus is dirty. It's ugly. It's messy. It's not perfect. I fall short so much and in so many ways. Church culture would either condemn me for this or pretend I wasn't there (or even pretend I didn't struggle). Its version of discipleship painted a picture of righteous acts - reading the Bible, maintaining quiet times of prayer, attending church services, participating in weekly 'small group', listening solely to Christian music, avoiding alcohol and holding my tongue from profanity.

But to me, church culture is a petrie dish. I looked up and saw Jesus exiting the fish bowl and I followed Him out to where real people were. He was with people who were dirty and ugly and messy and imperfect and I realized that I had more in common with them than I did with my evangelical brethren . . . .

I know it sounds utterly bitter - perhaps incredibly blasphemous. I don't regret being a part of church culture for 13 years because when I remove the shell casing of it, I acknowledge that my foundation for my faith was forming. I was learning how to listen and talk to Jesus. I was learning how to study His Word. I was practicing how to follow His Way and to make decisions that pleased my Lord. Underneath the church culture, I was learning Kingdom values and it is a part of me.

Now, I'm simply trying to live it out in the real world. I don't miss the parts of church culture that tries to manufacture relationships and squeaky clean boast-worthy discipleship. I can function without that culture because I still value the Word of God, corporate and personal worship, generosity, service, community, prayer, fellowship, and the pursuit of holiness. All I want to do is explore how I can integrate Kingdom values into my lifestyle - even if, especially if - it gets dirty and ugly and messy.

The journey I'm on still leads to God. I am still seeing Jesus out here. I'd love for the Church to leave the confines of its walls and join me out here. Over the past week, I've had more meaningful conversations and spiritually edifying discussions with friends at gay bars, coffee shops, parks, at work and on the phone than I have had in two months of attending 90 minute Sunday services.

I am still a part of the Church and I am being the Church with fellow disciples both in and out of the Sunday service. We ought to raise the bar for discipleship and lower the bar that governs what Church is supposed to look like.

So where does that leave me now? I try to live an organic lifestyle of faith, discipleship and worship. I can function as a disciple both in and out of church culture because I am part of the Church - I don't simply go to it. My early training in church culture helped me along. In latter years, my detoxing from church culture allowed me to seek Christ more fully. And now that i'm no longer co-dependent on church culture, I don't have to detox from it any longer either. I can be a disciple any where - even in the structures of Christendom. As I trudge along on my own journey, I can accept that my discipleship isn't perfect. It's not that my goal is to be imperfect. Rather, I understand that I begin the journey imperfect but I have a direction of which I walk towards God. And so He shapes me.

I'm okay with that.

Music has been carrying me through this journey lately. Certain songs in particular, many of which I've shared with you here, have affected me because they speak of life and death and pain and joy and triumph and heartache and regret - emotions I understand.

Music is a subjective art. Anyone can hear the melodies and read the lyrics and interpret them in their own way based on what it brings up for them. I don't know what My Chemical Romance intended when they wrote "The Black Parade" but after recently discovering them (and the song) on the radio, I've dubbed it another one of my new favorite songs and I have my own interpretation of it. I realize that my interpretation may not look anything like the band's actual video of the song, but then again, I can own the song because of what I see when I hear it.

For me, the Black Parade is the gathering of outcasts and underdogs who refuse to get caught up in the craziness of the world that hates them. We are the non-conformists. Both the church culture and the gay culture leaves a wreckage and the casualties mount too high. We don't fit in either of their parades. For those of us who are disciples, we claim independence from the parts of church culture that tries to define the quality of our spirituality and judges us without knowing our hearts. For those of us who are gay, we claim independence from the parts of gay culture that tries to define us by our sexuality and illustrates an example of promiscuity. We proclaim the freedom to choose a different picture of our future and our lifestyles - and this is the journey of our parade. I see myself in this parade - taught by my Father to value the outcasts and to encourage others to do the same. Those values are tested in the world and the challenge is made to overcome personal demons and dream stealers - those who break, beat, and damn us. The legacy left behind after us is the Black Parade that travels the "narrow road" and continues on.

Hear the song for yourself below, read the lyrics underneath it, and see how you relate to "The Black Parade":



"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.

He said "Son when
you grow up
would you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

He said "Will you
defeat them,
your demons
and all the non-believers,
the plans that they have made?

Because one day
I'll leave you
a phantom
to lead you in the summer,
to join the black parade."

When I was
a young boy,
my Father took me into the city
to see a marching band.
He said "Son when
you grow up
will you be
the savior of the broken,
the beaten, and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling
she's watching over me.
And other times I feel like I should go.

When through it all,
the rise and fall,
the bodies' in the streets,
and when you're gone we want you all to know.

We'll Carry on,
We'll Carry on,
and though you say you don't believe me
Your memory will carry on,
we'll carry on,
until my heart I can't contain it,
the anthem wont explain it.

A world that sends you reeling
from decimated dreams.
Your misery and hate will kill us all.
So paint it black and take it back,
lets shout it loud and clear.
Defiant to the end we hear the call

to carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
we'll carry on
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches...

...on and on we carry through the fears.
ooh oh ohhhh

Disappointed faces of your peers.
ooh oh ohhhh

take a look at me,
'cause I could not care at all---

Do or die,
you'll never make me.
Because the world,
will never take my heart.
You can try,
you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Won't explain, or say I'm sorry.
Im not ashamed, I'm gonna show my scar.
You're the chair, for all the broken.
Lose it here, because it's only.

I'm just a man, I'm not a hero.
Just a boy, i wanna sing this song.
Just a man, I'm not a hero.
I! - don't! - care!.

We'll carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will
carry on.
We'll carry on,
and though you're broken and defeated,
your weary widow marches on!---

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world, will never take my heart.
And though you try, you'll never break me.
You want it all, you wanna play this part.

Do or die you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart.
You can try, you'll never break me.
You want it all you wanna play this part.

Free Hugs

[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics for "All the Same" by Sick Puppies and the YouTube video for the Free Hugs Campaign.]

Compared to last week, this week was alot better. Definitely! However, Friday went pretty badly and I ended up leaving work early (about 1pm) out of protest. Long story. Either way, I could sure use a hug right about now. How about you?

Click here to read about the Free Hugs Campaign.



This awesome song is called "All the Same" by Sick Puppies. I found that I connected deeply with the lyrics of this song and it brought up alot of the emotions and memories that I mentioned before about Riverside. There were so many times back then when I felt so alone and I felt like I was abandoned by my friends.

A hug is the simplest form of physically expressing love, intimacy, and compassion. At times, that's all I ever wanted back then. Still do.

Here are the lyrics of the song . . . .

"All The Same" by Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

What's Your Story?

You've read about me. How about you?

Today is National Coming Out Day! If you are not out of the closet yet, how about opening the door of it a bit.

What's your story? You can say your name or just remain anonymous but post a comment and tell me a little about your story. What keeps you coming to Two World Collision? What's it like for you to be in the closet? What's it like for you to wonder if you are gay or not? Are your worlds in collision or have you found cohesion? Do you have a blog? Give us a link so that we can check it out! Are you straight and have gay friends? What's it like with your other straight friends?

Take a risk - a small step towards allowing yourself to be known. Tell me about you!

Keeping the Closet Door Open

I feel like the more un-anonymous I become on this blog, the less authentic I feel free to be. When I know that certain people are reading, i'll find myself hesitating from writing about certain things. This is tough for me because I lose my outlet for processing my thoughts. It was so freeing at the start of Two World Collision when I was completely anonymous and I could pretty much write about whatever I wanted or about whatever I was feeling. Yet, at the same time, it was so freeing when I reached a point in my blog life when I was ready to "come out". I felt known.

When I self-edit myself on this blog, I can see myself following that pattern in my life of strategically presenting only the good parts of me to the world while keeping the rest of me in a closet - maybe not the gay closet, but my own closet . . . .

I don't want to do that. I don't want to continue living my life being inauthentic for the sake of potentially manipulating public opinion about me. I do want to be known. I want you to know who I am. And I do want to be a good witness of what Jesus is doing in my life. But my witness isn't that I'm "good", but my witness is that He is "good" and that He is "good" to me despite me. Two World Collision isn't about my journey of finding cohesion in what were two colliding worlds - colliding paradigms. It's about my ongoing journey of discovering who I am and revealing who I am. It's about finding the cohesion between the public Eric and the closet Eric.

Love me, hate me, know me for all of me. I'm not going to be the champion gay Christian. I'm not going to be perfect. I simply have a direction and I still have so much to figure out about all of this.

I shall continue taking the risk of being real here - even if it makes me look horrible and terrible and ugly and even imperfect. So here it is: I feel like I've made poor decisions over the past week and a half. I've been sad and tired. I've been impatient and on edge at work. I'm not happy with me right now.

I'm in a better place today, but all of last week I was doing all I could to hang in there.

I made a string of poor decisions last week. I subscribed to a 3 day trial membership at a porn site. I had a meaningless "hook up" with a guy. I've been eating fast food again.

Sometimes, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. One poor decision leads to another, then another, then another and the panic of being in the quicksand gives me cause to make the next poor decision. Each poor decision is a way to cope with feeling crappy about the previous poor decision. And I just hate myself more each time.

Damn it.

I know i've got a problem when the shaming behavior begins. I know i'm in this mode when I start hiding. It's when I close the door and turn down the computer's speakers so that my room mate can't hear what I'm watching on the Internet. It's when I wait to be home alone to call and arrange a hook up. It's when I quickly eat the (huge) burrito and (super) nachos and (large) fries and milk shake before my room mate gets home so that he doesn't see how much of a pig I'm being and then it's when I take out the trash (and evidence) down to the dumpster so that he doesn't see in our kitchen trash can what I had been eating. Or it's when I do use the kitchen trash can but I bury the fast food bag and wrappers down at the bottom and cover it with other trash and napkins.

"But the Lord God called to the man, 'Where are you?' " (Genesis 3: 7-10)

It's not that i'm hard on myself. Well, maybe I am. But I'm also acknowledging the truth of what I know is wrong. I was in a group discussion last week about how some Christians (gay or straight) will rationalize some sin to be acceptable because it's "better" than doing something "worse". Is it okay to masturbate while looking at porn because it's "better" than actually having sex with someone? Is it okay to have oral sex because it's "better" than going "all the way"? Is it acceptable to gawk and stare at the hotties walking down the street because simply looking is "better" than touching and embracing? Is it okay to take the "lesser of two evils"?

I don't think so.

If both options are wrong, then it's still wrong. It's time to look for the third option. But look, i'm not legalistic about all of this. Yes, we have to call sin what it is but I realize there's the practical side of living life with temptations. I don't think that Jesus is waiting to bash me over the head because of the sin of the moment. I think that Jesus is more concerned about what's going on in my heart that led me to sin in the first place. It doesn't mean that He excuses what I've done. It just means that He's walking with me through what I've done.

If I am looking at porn, I think that Jesus is more concerned about my need for genuine physical intimacy and that I am expressing this need in broken ways through a love-substitute - lust. Yes, I do believe that God desires my obedience but I don't think His approach to correcting me is pointing His finger and saying, "Look at what you did! That was wrong!" Rather, I think Jesus' approach to addressing my sin is revealing to me my real need and providing grace for that. By meeting and healing the genuine need, my own attempt at meeting that need in an unhealthy way discontinues (or at the very least, subsides).

So yeah, what i've been doing is wrong. I've made poor decisions. And Jesus is walking with me through them.

I'm lonely. Some friends tell me that I'm a catch. I say this humbly but I don't disagree. My self-esteem isn't completely shot. It's just that my self-confidence takes a hit every time I see couples together enjoying the privilege of each other's touch. I want that. I want to be touched and I want him to want to touch me. It's so hard being 30 years old and not even having my first defined relationship. How much of a catch can I be?

So that's when I start believing the distorted thoughts that go through my mind - i'm ugly, i'm undesirable. I feel empty so I try to fill that feeling with food. Feeling full is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. I feel numb so I try to fill that feeling with masturbation. Feeling pleasure, even temporarily, is at least feeling something. I want to feel something. The porn and the fantasy and the food are simply tools that facilitate the feeling.

This is me just trying to understand what's going on inside. I'm not excusing my sin (and neither should you excuse my sin). But perhaps naming the need will help me to recognize "better" and healthier ways of meeting that need.

I unpacked all of this with my buddy the other day. We both have been having some very rough times in our personal lives the past several months. And we've been able to be the friend we each need. After last week, I hesitated from telling him about what I had been doing because I was afraid of what he'd think of me. That's silly because we both have confided in each other and the trust has been earned on both ends. But being vulnerable is always difficult.

In the past, I always felt like people left me when they knew too much of me. I think it's a wound that I've kept around ever since my elementary years when my parents divorced. It's like they knew that I was "gay" and so they divorced me. When I confided in friends, they never stuck around and so I felt like they divorced me. So it's easier to just not let people know me. The wall goes up and i'm selective as to how much of me my family and friends get to discover about me. They see a portion of me (the good parts) while the rest of me hides in my closet.

So the thing that me and my buddy are learning to do is keeping the closet door open (even if one of us are still inside). We may still need the safety of the closet. But with the door open, one can see in and know what's in there, and one can see out that the buddy hasn't run away. We're getting comfortable with being vulnerable with each other. We find a place where there is no judgment - and a friend who doesn't go any where when things get ugly.

Where does this all leave me now? I'm a little more aware of what I'm feeling and even why I'm feeling the way I do. It's super helpful to bounce thoughts and emotions off my buddy to help me process them. Last week, I just felt completely out of control - like everything was just happening to me and I couldn't stop messing up and the rushing waves were crashing over me and I was drowning. Whoa, actually I was feeling like Augustana's "Boston" video that I posted right before last week started. Hmm . . . interesting.

Anyway, where was I?

At the end of the day, I want to be real. I'm tired of just showing the world the flattering parts of who I am. There's more to me than the over achieving "good Christian". There's more to me than the gay guy who finally came out of the closet. There's also the part of me that needs that closet. For now, I'll just keep the door open and grow from there.

You Don't Wear My Chains

[Note: Scroll down to see Augustana's "Boston" lyrics and link to music video on YouTube.]

I don't usually pay much attention to those once in a blue moon disrespectful and uneducated negative comments from someone who barely reads a few random posts and decides he/she knows everything about me. I can handle disagreement or a difference in perspective but I'll usually only delete the hateful ones. Last week, some (Anonymous) terd decided to leave several similar ones in a few posts from months ago. Here's one that he left behind:

"There are people who have never heard of christ and they follow him alot better than you'll ever know how to (according to your writings). They will go to heaven one day. But people like you make sure that they won't everyday."

It's funny how some hateful people can't seem to say what they intend to say while leaving their name or showing their face. They'd rather say it in secret or in darkness or wearing some kind of a hood. All in the name of Christ, apparently.

It was the fear of these sorts of people that kept me in the closet - especially, in the Church. My assumption was that everyone thought that way and so I didn't dare allow anyone to know what was going on inside of me. No one knew how scared I was. No one knew how confused I was. No one knew how frustrated I was. No one knew how angry I was. No one knew how lonely I was.

There were times when I just wanted to run - far away where no one knew me. In 2001, I wanted to do just that. And that's one of the reasons why I came back to Long Beach. I wanted to get the hell out of Riverside, CA . . . .

I had lived there for 14 years. It is about 60 miles inland and I finished high school there. I tried my first round of university there. I had a couple full time jobs there. I was in ministry there.

By 2001, I made the biggest mistake of my life - literally - and I lived through the fall out of it all. I hit the figurative rock bottom and it was the most challenging chapter of my life. I moved away from Riverside and I was glad to go. I still have family that live there and so for the first two years after leaving, I'd always feel physically sick to my stomach every time I came back to visit. The memories and regrets and crashing waves that overtook me were overwhelming!

But the waves subsided.

Long Beach, CA is now my home. Perhaps I feel that it is because this is the place God restored me. This is the place he rebuilt what I thought was gone and lost. That which I thought I destroyed, He recreated and presented to me as new and different.

I was here before Riverside and now I'm back. It had been over a decade since I was last here and so there were few people still around that really knew me. In 2002, I had the opportunity of starting fresh. Now, four years later, I don't feel like I want to run or hide or start anything all over. I used to feel like I had nothing left to lose. Now, there's a reason for me to stay.

Augustana's "Boston" is one of my new favorite songs (even though the local radio plays it way too much) because I relate with the song. I understand the pain behind the lyrics. Long Beach is my Boston.

To the terd who left me those comments last week and thinks he knows all about me, just remember that you don't wear the chains I've had and that God removed from my wrists. And you've got no power to keep me bound.

"Boston" by Augustana

Click here to watch video.

In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear, you look so lost,
eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
yeah.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,

Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name.

Open Door's Harvest Conference

Yesterday I taught my first formal workshop at Open Door Ministries' Harvest Conference. It was a single day long conference hosted by the local church that I am a part of here in Long Beach. It was a privilege to have been asked and I'm thankful to Pastor Dan for allowing me to share with others about my approach to the Great Commission and my paradigm of the Church.

The workshop was called "Relational Evangelism: Living Out The Great Commission As A Lifestyle". In a nutshell, I talked about how Jesus called us to a new WAY – to live a lifestyle of faith that expresses love for God, love for others, and to inspire others to do the same while living in community. As a Church, we have got to stop focussing on conversions as if that's our objective, and instead we need to begin a genuine and sincere process of relationship with people that leads to discipleship.

What does that look like?

I'm going to be starting what I call a "Lifestyle Group" (as opposed to a home group or a Bible study) where we will explore this. In the workshop, I introduced "5 Organic Principles to Expanding Your 'Oikos' " which I extracted from my experience knowing Neil Cole (and others) over the past four years. Neil is the Executive Director of Church Multiplication Associates, Founder of Awakening Chapels, and author of "Organic Church: Growing Faith Where Life Happens".

I thought i'd share with you the notes I handed out for my workshop. Of course, you miss out on the conversation and discussion that we had during the actual workshop, but maybe you'll find the outline helpful. If you like, have your own conversation and discussion about some of these things! Or you can email me if you'd like to know more about any of it. Anyway, here's a link where you can download it (it's a PDF file):

http://www.catalystlb.org/workshop_notes_relational_evangelism.pdf

Day 4 & 5 San Francisco Labor Day Trip

So my laptop got fried last night.

Nutshell version of the story: laptop was plugged in at coffee shop, blender went on, power surge, laptop shut down, now windows won't start up. You know what that means? Lost lots of pics (including the SF trip ones), lost all those software applications that i no longer have the CD's for (including photoshop CS and that whole Adobe Acrobat suite thing that let me make PDFs), and lost all my music that i had in my iTunes.

Sigh. I'm not horribly mad about it. It's no ones fault.

Fortunately, i had already put up the new FilmLoop on this site (top right corner of this blog - what do you think?) and so at least i still have some of those photos that i can resave to my desktop. Plus, i had been posting loads of pics from the SF trip over at the GCN photo gallery - so i can also resave those to my desktop. I don't think i can do anything about losing the software but at least I have the music that's already on my iPod.

So, with all that said, i'm concluding my series of posts on my San Francisco Labor Day Trip. Thankfully, i can still include a few pics of my last days . . . .

So Michael and I started Day 4 of our trip early and sleep deprived. We got to bed around 4 a.m. and we got up around 7:30 a.m. or so. The first thing on our itinerary was to meet up with Christopher, an awesome guy who is also a TWC reader. He's got his own blog called "Bending The Rule". He's a seminary student working on his doctoral degree. Christopher is Episcopalian and his parter (who he met at seminary too!) is a Lutheran pastor. So he had some really good insight to offer Michael and I.

The three of us met for breakfast and coffee at Cafe Flore in Castro. Michael has been doing alot of reading and research as part of his own personal journey of exploring colliding worlds so he and Christopher had some very interesting conversation about various authors who have had thoughts about the whole gay Christian thing. Christopher and I also had some very interesting conversation about the Church and community. After breakfast and our dialogue, Christopher was kind enough to walk us to our next destination - St. Francis Lutheran Church. I respected the fact that he didn't do the whole Churchian thing by encouraging us to go to "his" church while knowing that we were about to go to "another" church. It didn't matter to him whether or not we went to Sunday service at his or someone else's church. He knows that we are all part of the Body of Christ. A pet-peeve of mine is that whole church competitiveness thing. It's good to talk to another believer - a brother - who also shares a paradigm of Christ's Church that extends beyond a local fellowship's four walls. Kudos to Christopher! And blessings too . . . .

So after saying our good-bye's and glad-to-have-met-you's with Christopher, Michael and I met Stephen. Stephen is also a TWC reader and has his own Web site over at Globality.org. He's the guy with the glasses standing next to me in the photo. Stephen also introduced us to people at his church fellowship - St. Francis Lutheran Church. Next to him in the photo is Grant, the congregation's President, and next to him is Pastor Robert on the end.

St. Francis had a very liturgical style expression of worship in their service. It was structured and orderly and I found it to be completely refreshing! Keep in mind, that i'm typically accustomed to a service that most resembles a non-denominational type of worship expression. And so to be able to worship in a liturgical service provided me a perspective to the order of God. I really sensed the Spirit's presence among these worshippers. I've attended liturgical style services before so this wasn't new to me. But since it's not my norm, I was able to appreciate it all the more.

In much of my experience with talking to people of different denominations, i've found that there are many that fail to speak honorably and respectfully about their brothers and sisters within God's Church that worship differently than they do. I think it's a shame and I think God's heart breaks because of the sibling rivalry within His Family. We ought to value each of our differences - especially the diversity in which we express our worship to Him. If you are regularly a part of a church that is more demonstrative, I encourage you to visit a church that has a more structured and liturgical service. If you are a part of a traditional type of church, I encourage you to visit a church that expresses a fluid worship. I think there is value is exploring different ways of worshipping the Lord. I believe that we begin to understand the diversity of God's love when we begin to appreciate the diversity of other believers. Then perhaps the Church can begin to conceive of the notion that God would dare to love those gay people!

After the service at St. Francis, Michael and I joined Stephen, Grant, and Pastor Robert for lunch next door. I found our conversation to be refreshing because they are all very open to investing in relationships both within their congregation and also within their city. I shared with them many of my thoughts about the Church and our approach to living out the Great Commission and they seemed to receive it well. I'd love to visit with them again to talk with them more! In the mean time, I extend a blessing to our brothers and sisters at St. Francis in San Francisco!

By mid afternoon, Michael and I were exhausted! We returned to the hotel where Michael took a long nap and I took a brief one. I was going to be meeting up again with Mark Andrew and Edison and we were all going to check out the Harrison Street Fair. No i'm not into the whole leather or bear thing. But one of the reasons why I wanted to go was to be able to make observations about this segment of the GLBT culture. I did take photos at the fair and I was planning to share a couple with you but I didn't put any in the FilmLoop and so I've got no other copies. They were all fried with the laptop! Nevertheless, it was interesting to watch. As we passed by one of the booths, I ended up seeing a fellow Long Beach-ian. It was one of the owners of a popular coffee shop that I often hang out at called Hot Java. That was kewl!

We stayed at the fair for about an hour, then we took the Muni (bus) back to the hotel to meet back up with Michael (who got to take a nice long nap!). Then the four of us drove over to Mark Andrew's church fellowship called Freedom In Christ. The flavor of worship for them was somewhere in between non-denominational and pentecostal/charismatic. It was a fun and worshipful service. Very different from the service we experienced earlier that day, but still very God-honoring and worshipful.

What I noticed from the day's range of activities was that even within all three groups (Episcopalian, Lutheran, Pentecostal), all were Christ-centered in their message. All spoke of the salvation that comes through Christ. All honored and worshipped Jesus. All are gay.

So after the evening service at Freedom In Christ, a large group of us went out to dinner to a restaurant. Our group was so big that they had to separate us into three groups in order to seat all of us. It was fun either way because we got to chat with different people.

By the end of dinner, we were ready to call it a night. It was Sunday and the next day would be our last before returning home.

So on Day 5 of our trip, Michael and I went in search for his old Elementary school. He grew up in SF during his early years. We found the school and we spent some time peeking through windows, going through the playground (accessible to the public), and Michael reminisced about times of being a kid (and also punking some kids around - he was a meany bully hooligan! nah- just kidding). Too bad I lost the photos of this part of the trip. =(

We drove back to the hotel to meet up again with Mark Andrew and Edison. We were going to do the switch off - Michael would take Edison and the two of them would drive back down to Santa Barbara (where Michael lives) and Edison would take the train from there to Los Angeles. I wasn't going to be flying out until 8:30pm that night so Mark Andrew and I decided to have lunch and spend the afternoon at Golden Gate Park.

This was great because that was the last thing on my list of things I wanted to do while in SF and I thought we wouldn't be able to fit it in. Michael missed out on it but I got to go and hang out there with Mark Andrew. We went to this awesome Greek/Mediterranean place that served really good Gyros. We walked around the GG Park and went through some of the nice trails. In the photo here, this is me by one of the kewl ponds. Hey Matt (from Michigan), there are ducks in this pond!

So anyway, Mark Andrew and I spent quite a bit of time just walking around and talking. It was a nice conclusion to the weekend trip. One of the really kewl things that I saw at the GG Park was the gathering of people to beat their drums, dance to the tribal rhythms, play their harmonicas and strum their ukuleles. I call it the Congregation of Bohemians - which I will hopefully get around to posting more specific thoughts about in a future post.

When the time came, Mark Andrew and I took the Muni (bus) back to the hotel to get my bags, then we took the BART to Oakland and he dropped me off at the airport. I was back in Long Beach, CA by 10:00 PM.

The entire trip was awesome and it was a great first leisure vacation for myself. I look forward to future travels! Now, a week has passed since returning from the trip and it's been a crazy busy week at work.

I seriously need a vacation!

Back to Day 3 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip

Day 3 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip

We started Day 3 of our trip checking out the Charles M. Holmes Campus at The Center - also known as The Center, San Francisco or otherwise known as The San Francisco Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Center.

In addition to site seeing during the trip, as well as connecting with other friends, I also wanted to do a few things related to our work with Catalyst. I wanted to make some observations, draw some comparisons, and ask some questions about SF GLBT culture.

So before we went off to meet with the other GCN'ers for hiking at Angel Island, we first took a tour of The Center first thing in the morning . . . .

The first thing we did was meet up with Stephen. He's the kewl guy that gave Michael and I the tour. He works part time at the front desk. I called him a few days before to inquire about a tour and he said that he'd be happy to show us around. =)

What a guy, eh?

So he started off taking us around the four story building, showing us the various community resources that are available, the coffee shop that they've partnered with next door, the office space that numerous other community organizations utilize, the computer lab, and the very interesting artwork displayed throughout the whole center. I was actually quite impressed with everything they had there in comparison to The Center here in Long Beach. Naturally they have more resources in SF than LB does.

One particular thing that they have that I was impressed with was the SNAP! - the San Francisco Newcombers Assistance Program. This kewl program connects a new resident to SF with a new buddy to show him around the area, find social activities and workshops, and to help establish friendships. I think it's just for gay or bisexual men (at least that's what the brochure says). They also help orient the person with information on employment, financial security, food & dining, housing, human rights, legal stuff, mail, parenting, utilities, veterans, counseling, healthcare, HIV/AIDS, substance abuse, violence prevention, gyms, spirituality, sports, arts, bars & clubs, sex clubs, social organizations and politics. Whew! I really like the concept of helping GLBT folks getting oriented with the city - whether new or long time residents - and so I'd like to explore how Catalyst can do this in Long Beach. In fact, I wonder if our Center has anything like it. But as far as I know, it doesn't so here's a need that Catalyst can potentially fill!

Stephen took us to the fourth floor and we hung out for a bit on an outdoor patio area that overlooked the city. It was pretty kewl actually! After asking about the Center, I asked him a little bit about the GLBT culture in SF. An interesting similarity that I found (from what he told me) was that, just like Long Beach, there are some G-L-B-T's that don't understand the other different G-L-B-T's. There are some circles that mingle with other genders but for the most part there is a lack of understanding about individuals who are different. That's something I'd like to strive to improve in LB over the next 30 years!

Another interesting thing that Stephen told me was that they have an actual San Francisco police officer that patrols that area and even has a spot behind the front desk. It was interesting to see a positive relationship that the Center has with the police department. A funny story Stephen told us was about the time a police officer brought a gold fish in a cup that was left at the front door (kinda like an abandoned puppy or kitty). They named him Lucky and put him in a fish bowl at the front desk. Lucky got sick and lots of people at the Center huddled around his bowl daily to talk to him and help nurse him back to health. We got to see Lucky and he's swimming around quite strong nowadays!

After visiting The Center, Michael and I left and met up with Mark Andrew, Edison, our friend John, and also Brad. We're all on GCN and it was fun to all meet and spend time with each other. We met at Fisherman's Wharf to take the 11:30 a.m. ferry to Angel Island. It was a longer ride across the Bay as compared to when we went to Alcatraz the day before. In fact, we stopped by Alcatraz, then moved on to the other side of the Bay, then to Angel Island. It felt like a mini cruise!

By the time we got there, we all had lunch, chatted for a bit, and browsed the visitors center. Apparently, this guy named Ayala discovered the Island around the 1700's. He was a Spaniard and a devout Catholic and that particular day happened to be something like the day of Angels or maybe the day for the Angel of Lights or something like that. I don't remember the full story but that's sort of why it's called Angel Island. Also I learned that during the Civil War, the Union army built defenses there because they were afraid the Confederate army would come up along the West Coast to get the gold and silver that had been discovered in San Francisco and Sacramento. The Confederates never did go up there, nevertheless, there was a Union presence on the West Coast at Angel Island during the Civil War. Interesting.

So we all went hiking up the trails - all the way up to the top of the mountain. There were some pretty awesome views! On the way up, we decided to take a group photo and some in our group decided to break out in song - musical style! Yeah, the other hikers were quite entertained by the gay boys.

In this pic, we finally made it to the top! It took us a little over an hour to get there and after some time of enjoying the view, we made the trek back down. It was a great work out that lasted most of the afternoon!

Once we got back to San Francisco, we decided to drive through China Town and Union Square downtown. It was really interesting to see the diversity of people in this area of San Francisco. We eventually made our way back to our hotel room and we took some time to rest. Then we all got ready to go out to dinner in North Beach to meet up with more GCN'ers. We went to this Italian restaurant called Steps of Rome that had really cute (seemingly gay) food servers that flirted with the ladies and even did lap dances for those celebrating birthdays. As fun as it was to watch the eye candy, the service wasn't that good. We had a reservation for 10 and the place was packed when we got there. We had to wait around for the cute waiters to put together some lop-sided tables and any available chair that they could find to cram our party of 9 into a space that would normally fit maybe 6 comfortably. The food was so-so and for some reason they couldn't make the mixed drinks we initially ordered so we had to choose different ones. They also played really loud music so it was pretty difficult to hear each other's dinner conversation. This place was more like a night out in Cancun during Spring break. Regardless, it was still a fun atmosphere.

After dinner, we ended up going to Castro to hang out at a bar called Metro. Eventually, we moved on to a dance club called Cafe which was extremely packed with people. On the dance floor, we were literally shoulder to shoulder and so it was very difficult to dance. Hanging out in the Castro area was fun in general - just being with friends - but overall, it wasn't a very spiritually edifying experience.

The day as a whole, however, was very interesting as we saw the Center in the morning, saw Angel Island and views of the Bay area in the early afternoon, saw the downtown marketplace in the late afternoon, then saw the city night life in the evening. Michael and I got back to the hotel for bed time at almost 4 a.m. It was a long and full day but definitely fun times!

Stay tuned for Day 4 of meeting TWC readers, visiting churches, and checking out the leather boys at the Harrison Street Fair!

Back to Day 2 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip

Go on to Day 4 & 5 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip > >

Day 2 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip

My wake up call rang at about 7 a.m. Michael and I stayed up the night before with Mark Andrew until 2 a.m. just talking and goofing around in our (two bed) hotel room then Mark Andrew took the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit - it's like their subway) back home to Concord. We met back up with him later in the day.

I got up first to shower and get ready for the day. That gave Michael a tad longer to sleep in. Once we were both ready, we left for breakfast at good old Burger King around the corner, cracked open a map of the city so that we could plan out our navigation from the hotel to the Fisherman's Warf, bought a breakfast meal and coffee for the homeless guy that opened the door for us on the way in, got in the car and began our trek to Alcatraz . . . .

The Bay area is a lot cooler in the mornings than it is in Southern California. It was a little bit chilly - not too bad - cold enough for a jacket but not warm enough for shorts. Do San Franciscans even wear shorts? Just the tourists i suppose.

So we took the ferry to Alcatraz riding at the very top floor so that we can see the view and feel the cool wind. We quickly discovered the weird alien-looking flies that pestered all of us on the top deck. I don't know - that feeling of small little bugs crawling all over me just grosses me out so having all these flies continually landing on hair and clothing and all over one's body was extremely frustrating. But that's a sacrifice you make in order to see the view of downtown San Francisco from the water and also to see us approaching the former federal prison.

Once there we took the audio tour. That was actually pretty kewl. They give you a head set and a device to play the tour recording. It had us wandering around from cell block to cell block, from the dining area to the library, from the visiting area to the recreation area and every place else that had a story to tell about this prison and what it was like to live there.


Can you fathom being confined in a small cramped space having nothing but a slab to sleep on, a sink and a toilet? It's crazy! I actually can fathom what jail is like - but prison is a whole different thing. The audio tour had one of the previous inmates share about the mental anxiety that goes through a person's mind when they are locked up for ten or more years. The lack of hope, the despair, the boredom, the kinds of things that go through your mind when you've got nothing else to do except to think about whatever goes through your mind - family, old friends, memories of times taken for granted - playing with kids, seeing the sunset, swimming, eating whatever the heck you wanted instead of eating the gunk being served to you.

We heard lots of interesting stuff about Alcatraz which I'll spare you from now - you'll just have to go and see it for yourself if you've never gone. But it's definitely kewl to see at least once in your lifetime!

So we took the ferry back to the pier and obeyed the grumblings of our stomachs. We discovered that if we ate at designated restaurants then we could get a three hour free validation for our parking. (By the way, parking is crazy expensive!) So we decided to go for lunch at a restaurant - seafood of course. The food was good and our food server was fine - but there was a super rude and disrespectful guy serving some other tables near by. We tried to get his attention as he walked by just to ask him for napkins and before we could make the request, he interrupted us by lifting up his hand against us (kinda like that typical 'talk to the hand' gesture) and walked right by us as if to say, 'um no, you are not my table'. Michael and I were kinda surprised - shocked even - at how rude he was. We both kinda laughed about it thinking, 'What in the world . . . . ?' but i'll admit that i was a bit perturbed about it. Whatever. I wrote a note about him and left it with our bill.

After lunch, we began our quest. Remember the days when the good old Golden Gate Bridge was actually the Bay Bridge? Oh goodness, that was so embarrassing!

That was a little over a month ago when I naively thought that the huge towering structure that extended from one large land mass to another over a body of water was the Golden Gate Bridge. I was wrong and Stephen from Globality.org (who also reads TWC) was kind enough to shatter my paradigm, oops i mean correct my error. LOL, i could have sworn that that was indeed the Golden Gate Bridge - it never dawned on me that I might be looking at the wrong bridge, much less that the GG Bridge is actually orange!


So now that I'm back, I was determined to search high and low for the real and actual Golden Gate Bridge. But where ever I went, it just seemed like the GG Bridge eluded me. Where was it? What was it really like? Is the bridge really orange? How can something so huge - something that significant of a landmark - the icon of San Francisco - escape my grasp? We continued to look for it far and near and it just seemed like the bridge was so close and yet so far. It was almost like it was right under my nose . . . but where? I searched and searched and searched for the real and actual Golden Gate Bridge.



And there it is! I found it! The Golden Gate Bridge!

Sigh. It's so magnificent (he says with awe). It's all I could ever hope or imagine!

LOL. I know, i'm a goofball.

So yep, there she is. The good 'ol GG Bridge. And yes, I know for sure that it's the one - I have confirmed it with three sources. This is indeed the Golden Gate Bridge.

And so Michael and I walked across to the other side of the Bridge. It took almost an hour I think - maybe it was less. We got to the other side and we each posed for our GQ cover photo shots. Then we decided to run all the way across the bridge to the other side (where we were parked) because we were running late to meet up with Mark Andrew again at our hotel. It was actually a pretty good work out - the run, that is - although I got a blister right smack on the bottom of my left foot. Ouch! But no worries and no complaints because I'm a trooper. On the way back to the hotel, we kept taking wrong turns or taking lanes that forced us onto the freeway that led to Treasure Island or going down streets that disallowed left turns for miles.

By the time we met up with Mark Andrew, we were an hour late. Sorry Mark! Anyway, we took some time to plan out Day 3 with our GCN friends so that the next day would be all set. (We'll go hiking at Angel Island during the day and then meet up for dinner at the hot Italian place with the cute gay food servers.) After firming up the next day's plans, we went to Castro to have dinner at this really kewl coffee shop/restaurant/bar called Cafe Flore. I mentioned it before in a previous post when I came a month ago. I decided to get a drink to accompany my roasted chicken dinner so I asked the bartender to give me something tropical and something blue. He says, "um, how about a Blue Hawaiian?" LOL, I laughed and said, "that sounds tropical and blue. I'll take it!" (I'm such a newbie when it comes to drinks.) Anyway, after dinner Mark Andrew couldn't keep his hands off of cutie Michael. Can you blame him? Hehe, just kidding - he was just engaging in a bit of public tickling.

Following dinner, we decided to go to a highly recommended dessert place called Sweet Inspiration. They had an assortment of pies and cremes and ice cream and sherbert and coffee drinks and all kinds of other gourmet sweets. Definitely good stuff! While we were there, we happened to run into a couple of other GCN friends that we weren't actually expecting to connect with over this weekend. What a nice surprise! This was actually my first time meeting the two of them (Chris and Isaias) - Michael and Mark Andrew had met them previously at the 2005 EC Conference. They were a kewl couple. We also met up with Edison (a GCN friend from Los Angeles) who flew up to join us for the weekend. He'll be staying at Mark Andrew's place in Concord.

So by the time we all chatted about this and that and whatever else was on our minds at the time, Michael, Mark Andrew, Edison and I decided to head back to the hotel. Of course, that led to more late night chatting and hanging out. Eventually, Mark Andrew and Edison took the BART back to Concord and Michael and I finally got to bed. It was a long and full day but definitely fun times!

Stay tuned for Day 3 at Angel Island, the Italian place with cute gay waiters who actually dance with customers, and hanging out at the Castro . . . .

Go to Day 3 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip > >

Day 1 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip

"You Look Cute In Leather . . . .

Enjoy your new comfy leather seat!"

So I started my San Francisco Labor Day Trip with Jet Blue Airlines flirting with me. Every seat has a TV screen (with Direct TV which I really like) and when you first get on board and get settled, the screen has a series of messages welcoming you and such. Apparently, i'm their favorite customer, but i'm not supposed to tell anyone. Aww - they're so sweet!

The flight was pretty routine and it only lasted about an hour from Long Beach, CA to Oakland, CA. My friend Mark Andrew picked me up and we went to my hotel in downtown San Francisco only to discover that I couldn't check in until my friend Michael arrived from Santa Barbara. He was driving up and he was the one who made the reservation - so they wouldn't give me a key since the room was pre-paid. So Mark Andrew and I decided to go to Japan Town (which isn't as distinguishable as China Town) and got some dinner. We hung out talking and catching up for several hours, left and drove around through the Presidio, got back to the downtown civic center area, ran out of gas and got stranded, walked around for miles on a quest for a seemingly non-existent gas station in that area, finally found a Shell station, and walked back to the car. No worries, i had a good attitude about it all - it was good exercise! By that time, Michael was in town and we connected at the hotel - at which point we stayed up talking in the room until 2 a.m.

Fun times!

I enjoyed the idea of having been to work in Long Beach earlier that day and in only several hours being in a completely different region hanging out with friends and experiencing a world away from my home. I'm really going to enjoy traveling over the coming years! I'm going to start a Flickr account so that I can share my photos with you as I trek this Earth. On the schedule for Friday - Alcatraz, the actual Golden Gate Bridge, and hanging out with friends in Castro!

Go to Day 2 - San Francisco Labor Day Trip >>

The Return of Buddy and Sunday Afternoon Naps

Whew! So the weekend craziness has come and gone and I definitely feel a bit more relaxed. As a friend of mine said to me today, "you're smiling!"

A few days ago (in my last post in "Sleepless Nights"), I mentioned that my buddy/room mate is returning from his 3 week vacation in the Mid-West. I was excited to see him again so I cleaned up the apartment when I got back from the training conference (which I'll mention below), made my very first flower arrangement for him - white carnations with lavendar baby's breath, greenery and blue ribbons (what do ya think?), and I picked him up at LAX. (He knows that every time I say "buddy" in this blog I'm referring to him so it kinda stuck with us outside of the blog). It was good reconnecting with him again!

So the training conference . . . .

Well, i went in to work early on Friday - about 8 a.m. - since it was the last day before the event. As is typical, I stayed as long as it took to take care of everything that needed to be done. I left the office at 10:20 p.m. (As a side note, that older co-worker that I mentioned before - the one that makes me want to pull my hair out - left the office an hour early at 3 p.m. and was incredibly useless, lazy and unhelpful at the event the next day. She was there to help staff the event but I had to function as if she wasn't someone I could utilize. She literally refused to pick up a (light) box of binders while we were looking for something important. Sigh. Whatever. Enough about her.) I got home, did laundry because I couldn't fall asleep - not really anxiety, more like anticipation - and finally got to bed around 1:30 a.m. I came back in to the office at 6:30 a.m. to start the day and coordinate the logistics of the event.

In a nutshell, I think it went well. Over the years, I've learned that planning as much as possible before an event is important because it minimizes potential problems but once the event starts, you've gotta be flexible and adaptable because there will always be uncontrollable or unforeseen things that will come up. We were able to follow the schedule and I did my best to handle the curve balls.

I said before that it was my "coming out event" (or as my Michigan friend (Matt) says, my "debut event") because this was the first event that demonstrated to my co-workers, bosses (the office manager and the executive director), and the board of directors that I can handle the logistics of an important event. Before this, they didn't have a frame of reference for my potential, so as the new guy I kinda felt underestimated. Now, hopefully, they'll feel like they can give me similar events in the future to be responsible for. I'll admit that there's a sense of fulfillment when an event goes well. I enjoy working behind the scenes to make things happen. Fortunately, i'm happy to report that I got lots of positive feedback from the higher-ups who were pleased with the way everything went.

The event ended and I left for home (to clean the apartment for my buddy's return) by 4:30pm Saturday. I feel good that it's behind me and a weight has been lifted - of course, that is until the next event. After having so many sleepless nights, especially every night this past week, I enjoyed a nice long Sunday afternoon nap. I thank God that I've got Monday off!

Sleepless Nights

I haven't been sleeping well for this whole week! Literally, every single night this week I've found myself waking up earlier than usual - about the one o'clock hour (usually if I wake up, it'd be about 3am then back to snoozing) and i've been waking up several times periodically until wake up time.

I guess there's just been a lot going on in my world right now . . . .

Primarily, much of my focus lately has been on work. I don't mind the actual work, in fact, I like the work that i'm doing for my new job. There's one co-worker in particular that's been the source of much grief for me though. She's an older woman - perhaps late 50's or 60's - and on one hand she's very helpful at times in letting me know how things have been done in the past. On the other hand, it get's very irritating when she lets me know how things have been done in the past. I officially am completely done with the phrase, "well that's the way we've always done things" !!!!

**this is where you imagine me screaming at the top of my lungs while pulling my hair out**

She can be very nice, at times, but it gets pretty frustrating much of the time because she doesn't do things very efficiently. She STILL uses a typewriter. A typewriter.

The thing is - the work that I do are things that she used to be doing. So there are times when I need her to tell me how things were done. But she thinks that her telling me how it used to be done also means that it's the way it is "supposed" to be done. No. I'm all about finding better ways of doing things, especially when I'm the one who has to do it - and so when I start doing things my way, I can tell it irks her. Tension.

For the past several weeks, I've been organizing a training-type conference which is happening this coming Saturday. Before I started working here, she was the one working on it. Now, the responsibility was given to me. So over the past several weeks, I've been finding that she doesn't fully brief me regarding things that I need to know about. Argh! So I keep having to adjust, be innovative, and make it look like it doesn't phase me. I have literally redone everything that she had done prior because it's just not quality stuff or it's not the way that I would rather have it. It's not my style to blame someone else when an event fails. So when she does things that almost seems like she's sabotaging my success, I work even harder to ensure it. I'm very flexible and adaptable and I love multi-tasking - so the work doesn't bother me. It's just the tension that she creates between us.

I think she underestimates me. Actually, I feel like she patronizes me. She's twice my age. She doesn't know that I have experience with event-planning. So I feel like she wants me to fail so that she can prove that I can't do it without her. I'm determined to demonstrate my potential. I feel like this is my "coming-out" event at work. This is the first event that I've been in charge of at work and I want to show what I'm capable of. I really just think she feels threatened by me because the bosses are not happy with her and she can foresee herself losing her job.

Speaking of coming out, the kewl thing is that I can be "out" at work because there are others that are "out" too. It feels good to be able to just be me. I don't have to "act" straight (even though I'm told that I come across that way anyway) and I don't have to "act" gay just to show that I'm out and proud. I can just be me and I can be measured by the quality of the work that I do. That's a kewl thing. And I get great feedback from the higher-ups that are pleased with my work too! Several weeks ago, my boss told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who said to her, "have you ever noticed that gay people always seem to be successful?" That was awesome because if two straight people are going to have a conversation about gay people, i'd rather it be a comment about our success rather than our sexuality.

So work has been good times and bad times and great times and frustrating times - but i'm super excited about the training conference this Saturday. I've been pretty thorough in planning out the logistics so i'm sure it'll turn out well!

I'm excited to find out today that after this long long and tiring week, we've all got Monday off because of "Admissions Day" or something like that. Something about it being the day California was admitted into the Union. Never heard of it. I can use the day off. Hey, wait, I just now realized . . . i'll be off Monday, then i'll be off Friday (see SF trip below), then i'll be off the next Monday for Labor Day. Woo hoo! Three day work week next week! =)

Work has probably been a huge source of the sleepless nights but there's been more.

With most of my time being invested at work right now, I haven't done as much as I would like with Catalyst. I did, however, meet with the Program Director at the Gay & Lesbian Center here in Long Beach and I'll be teaching HTML workshops on how to build a personal website. It may span out to other kinds of tech workshops too. My goal is to use the revenue that the Center gives Catalyst from the workshops (only about 20% of what the Center takes in - small but it's something) and to use those funds for the leadership development program that I'll be developing.

I discovered an article online last week at the Press-Telegram that references my name and Catalyst Long Beach. It's a small reference but I was excited to stumble upon it. I was going to share the link with you but it's no longer showing it.

I've also been investing energy with Toastmasters - that's an organization that helps people develop their oral communication skills. Last week, I delivered a speech which went very well. The week before that I facilitated the impromptu speeches portion of the club's meeting. For both weeks, I was given an award for what I did. That's always kewl. I'll be entering into a speech contest in September for impromptu speeches. That's where they give you a topic and you talk on it "off-the-cuff".

I'm really excited about leading a workshop in September for Open Door Ministries' conference. I'll be talking about how to expand one's relational sphere of influence while living out a lifestyle of faith - this as an approach to living out the Great Commission and reframing the way we see "outreach" and "evangelism". After the workshop, I'll be leading a weekly home group that will be focussed on living out genuine community while equipping and training people on the things I first presented in the workshop. I feel affirmed in all of this because while much of what I want to do is unconventional, my pastor is in agreement and support of me and what I want to teach and do. I want to help gay Christians get past the whole "gay" thing and really get to work in advancing His Kingdom.

Oh yeah, something else that I found troublesome, was this past Sunday morning when I visited a local inclusive church's service. The good: gay and lesbian Christians who's worship and message was completely centered on Christ. The bad: from the time that I first entered their "fellowship", through the service, and until the time that I exited and left for home, not ONE person spoke to me or touched me. No hello. No welcome. No handshake. No hug. No greeting. No acknowledgement that I was a visitor. This is a church of about 35 people. It was obvious that I was new. I also noticed that I was literally the only non-white person there. As unwelcomed as I felt, I still chose to worship among them and not leave (especially since it appeared Christ-centered) and also to share in Communion with them. I really don't think they intended for me to feel unwelcomed. I just think that they were oblivious to it. The irony is that they were talking about how for the last two weeks, they've been discussing "Church" and what it is and why we "go" every Sunday and how it's not about religious routines but rather that it's about people.

Sigh + Chuckle = Shaking Head.

I'm also looking forward to my trip back up to San Francisco during the labor day weekend. I've already purchased my plane ticket and I'll be leaving right after work that Thursday so that I can (hopefully) have time to do stuff that evening. I'll stay in the Bay area through the weekend and will come back labor day evening. I'm really excited about the trip because I want to pack in alot of things - including meeting up with new friends, site seeing with a bud of mine (who will be joining me from Santa Barbara), seeing the REAL golden gate bridge (don't laugh at me! okay, go ahead and laugh!) and Alcatraz, checking out the gay & lesbian center there, and visiting one or more inclusive churches. I plan to take lots of pictures!

My buddy get's back from his 3 week Mid-West vacation this Saturday. He's my room mate. You've seen him before here. He went home to visit family and old friends. He also went up to Minnesota and Canada for canoeing. I'm excited he'll be back soon! =)

Some of my lack of good sleep can also probably be attributed to a bit of tension i've been having with a friend of mine who has been enduring hard times for the past few years. I want the best for him and I want him to be happy, it's just that it's hard to hear him focus so much on what isn't going right in his life instead of what is. I prefer a positive attitude because the alternative is too void of life. I'd rather (at least try to) lift people up. The tension came last week when we both had a pretty heated discussion about the fact that our hard times isn't always God's fault. You've gotta understand that I come quickly to my Lord's defense because I personally know, first hand, what it's like to hit rock bottom. Literally. Those were times I still have not yet shared specific details on this blog. I know hard times. And the hard times was not His fault! Of anything, it was mine. But the Lord was the One who helped me out of the hard times - from nothing, He rebuilt everything I messed up. I know God to be good. So, yes, I'll defend His name and His character - even with my life, if necessary. I just want my friend to accept and acknowledge the good that God is giving him because it's there. Maybe then he'll experience the peace that God has already allocated for him. He's hanging in there though and i'm praying for him! =)

The final contribution to my lack of good sleep is most likely the fact that I've been exercising! Yes, i've been going to the gym again. On one hand, it feels really good - especially since i'm starting to drop a few of the unwanted lb's - but on the other hand, my body is oh so achey. That's probably been keeping me up at night too.

I'm hoping for rest - not just sleep, but rest. I trust it'll come. My Lord is faithful and while it does seem like I've got so much going on with busyness and work and frustrations and tensions and worlds colliding and fun times with friends and all that jazz, i'm also mindful of just being still.

Michigan Friends

Last Friday night, I was super excited to meet for the first time a good friend of mine from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I know, that kinda sounds funny - met for the first time but he's a good friend? Yep! He first started off being one of the earliest Two World Collision readers and we began keeping in touch since September 27, 2005 - whoa, almost a year!

So he came out to the LA area last week with family and we got to spend some time. We went to Santa Monica's Third Street Promenade and watched the kewl street performers (jugglers and dancers), had a delicious Italian dinner, walked out to the pier and got an ice cream cone, then sat at the end of the pier chatting and listening to a really interesting spanish speaking musician. Since neither of us understood what he was saying, we took turns filling in the lyrics ourselves with what we imagined he was singing about. We walked back past midnight and a guy passing by gave him a red and yellow flower. He smiled and gave it to me. Awww . . . what a sweetheart! Anyway, he said that it was okay to put his pic up on TWC - I forgot to ask him if I can use his real name so for now I'll refer to him as my visiting friend. He's a cutie, huh?

Some of the things we particularly related with was our paradigm regarding the "Church". He connected with "Jumping The Walls" and "Band of Brothers and Sisters". . . .

I was *this* close to writing another blog post last night about my paradigm of "Church". The inspiration was there but I wasn't yet ready to articulate them yet. That typically means i'm still chewing on it and so it'll probably come out of me later.

I mentioned before that I'll be teaching a workshop at a conference that a local inclusive church is hosting in September. The workshop will be discussing relational/"oikos" evangelism which in a nutshell is basically living a lifestyle of faith in the context of loving God, loving others (two Greatest Commandments) and inspiring others to do the same (Great Commission). Part of that will be about living in "community" as the Church. After the conference, I'll be leading/hosting a home group meant to train and equip people to live these things out. I'm looking forward to that.

[If you'd like to see other posts about my paradigm of Church, try "Church Outside The Box" or some of the other posts in that section in the right column.]

Anyway, it was so good to finally meet my visiting friend. We've got tons in common and he always makes me laugh and/or smile. I'm definitely hoping to visit him in Grand Rapids some time next year. He's got an awesome home and has 11 ducks. He said once that he noticed that we always have BBQ's here in Long Beach so we're gonna have a BBQ at his place. No, we won't BBQ the cute ducks!

He's also good friends with Becky - (that triathlete that I've mentioned before - the one who competed in the Gay Games). She also lives in Grand Rapids so it'll be fun to see her too! Actually, Becky is wanting to move out here to Southern California so when I went to the gym today (yes! i finally got back to the gym - had a good work out by the way) I inquired on her behalf about personal trainer positions. Becky and I are starting a campaign to convince our friend to move out here to So Cal too. I think it would be so awesome to live out "community" with each other - especially since all three of us share the same paradigm about "being the Church".

Anyway, fun times, fun memories . . . . still fun yet to be had!

A Romance That Is Mutual And Reciprocal

Transitions always halt the normal routines of life. I've had the new job for a month now and I haven't been able to return to doing the things I once did.

I used to exercise alot - several times per week. Now, I find myself tired after work and I don't run as much as I used to. I tell myself that I'll go to the gym after I get home, then once I get there I think, "yeah right."

I used to be intentional about staying connected with friends - going out for coffee or lunch. I could do that because I wasn't employed and my work with Catalyst was flexible enough to allow me the ability to nurture those kinds of connections. Now, I've got to weigh out my time - choose whether to rest up or connect with one person or the other or to be a part of a group gathering.

I used to blog alot more often too. I apologize for that. Not only was I blogging more often, but I was also using this blog to journal and process my thoughts. It's been awhile since I was raw with my feelings so I think I'll take the time now to just write for "me" - without worrying about who may be reading it or what someone may think.

It's just that . . . there's been alot on my mind and I was seeing this guy . . . .

So I had started seeing a guy about two weeks ago. He's a great guy and my buddy helped facilitate an introduction by giving each of us the other's phone number. The thing is - I don't think the intent was initially to fix us up together. This guy is kind of where I was at a year ago when I first started Two World Collision - with the exception that he's now at a point in his life to where he wants the whole gay Christian thing to work whereas a year ago I was at a point of simply exploring the "other side" to educate myself about the gay culture and what God was doing in it. I approached it objectively whereas this guy pretty much has decided that gay is the way to go - with or without God. He's still processing through that part.

My buddy gave him my phone number in the context of Two World Collision and thought that I'd be a great person to help him process his thoughts. I love being able to talk to people in that context. So we met two weeks ago and we connected almost immediately. We had great times of talking and getting to know one another and it was uncanny how similar our stories paralleled each other. I guess, in that process, we began to see each other in a different context - in a more romantic context.

So we began spending more and more time with each other and we began to interact more intimately. After about a week, we both discovered that we were taking all of this way too fast. We both really enjoy spending time with each other but I realized that he's not exactly in a place in his life to where he's ready for a relationship. He's still wrestling with alot of issues between faith and God and sexuality and other stuff. So we mutually agreed that we are better off taking a step back and keeping things platonic right now.

Sigh.

I realize that it's the wisest and most sensible thing to do. It's the right thing to do. But I have to admit that I liked the idea of developing a relationship romantically. It was fun. It was awesome being able to make someone feel cared for and to feel cared for in return. It was good to feel like romantic interest was mutual and reciprocated. It's been a week since we last decided to be platonic and we've hung out and talked to each other on the phone over this past week. I know it was the right thing to do but I miss that affection.

It just amplifies that feeling of loneliness. I want a companion. I want to be with someone. I want to walk with someone. I want to journey with someone. For so long it has been such a burden trying to do this alone. I know, I know, God was always with me - yadda, yadda, yadda - I don't intend to take Him for granted or make light of His presence. But I want someone tangible to experience existence with me. I want to hold someone's hand and I want to embrace someone for a long period of time and I want to cuddle and snuggle and all that mushy stuff. At the end of the day, you can't (or shouldn't) do those things with a platonic friend.

I think that one of the reasons why I try to be intentional about nurturing friendships and relationships is because deep down I have a need for intimacy that isn't being met. So the next best thing is to try to feel "connected" with friends. Ultimately, I want to connect intimately. And I feel so lonely some times. Many times, I just want to be touched - to have someone touch my face or to caress my arm or to hold my hand while we're driving in the car. I want to look into his eyes and find myself lost. I want to watch him talk and interact with my friends and discover that I'm falling for him.

Goodness, I'm not one to wallow in depression and sadness - I've been there before and I choose not to live there - but honestly, I am sad alot. My emotions are balanced with other positive feelings too because I do feel blessed in many other ways. But sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, there's a sadness in my heart. I get up and go through the routine of my day but that sadness lingers. It's not because I'm gay. It's because I feel like my companion with whom I am whole with is not yet connected with me.

I'm not talking specifically about the guy I mentioned before. I'm okay with us being platonic. I'm talking about my soul mate. Does he exist? Is he out there? How much longer will it be before God says that it is not good for Eric to be alone and he unites me to another with whom He has chosen and approved of?

Back to talking about that guy - he often says that I'm "a catch". Hehe. It's flattering - sure - but it's hard for me to accept. I mean, sure I think I'm a good guy and that I have much to offer another person in a relationship. But to tell you the truth, I kind of doubt whether or not I'm "a catch" because I haven't been caught. It's not like there are a million people or even just one person fishing for me. I want to be caught. Can I say that? I just want someone to want me and I want to want him back. I long for something mutual and I guess I feel so lonely because it's always been one or the other - either I liked him but he likes someone else (that's a killer!) or he liked me but I like someone else.

For once, I want the universe to match up - fall into alignment - and have a romance that is mutual and reciprocated. With that guy, it seemed like it was - and I guess i'm just a bit sad about it because that wasn't enough. The timing was wrong because he's not yet ready for it.

So what do I do now? Do I keep trying to go on dates? That's frustrating because how does one "get the date" in the first place? Do I go out to clubs more? That's frustrating because that amplifies my loneliness which affects my confidence in approaching someone in that venue. Do I try internet dating? That's frustrating because the experience is so two-dimensional - it's all about the photo and the looks and whatever is written in the profile as if that's enough to gauge whether or not I want to invest an evening with someone who potentially may not even be anything like his profile. Do I advertise to my friends that I'm fix-up-able - that i'm "on the market" in case anyone knows another single guy who would like to meet a nice guy? That's frustrating because, well, let's face it - that makes me feel desperate and pathetic.

So should I just stop looking? Well, heck, as if that's easy to do! I've had friends tell me to just stop looking and it'll come around. Um . . . when? Yeah, I get it - just go on with life and romance will just happen naturally. Sure, I want it to happen naturally. But at the end of the day, I still have to live through lonely feelings and I can only fake-it-til-I-make-it for so long.

I'm not a basket case totally overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. I've got good friends and I'm connecting with people. But on the subject of romance - I'm sad. As honest as I can be right now, I just want to be held - not by a good platonic friend, but by someone who is holding me because he is loving me.