There has been WAY too much news going on that i'm excited about to properly keep up here at Two World Collision. I'll try to post as often as I can but this is going to be a crazy week!
I've got a ton of guests staying at my place this week. No, I actually do mean a ton of people. They are coming in gradually but by the weekend, i'll have 6-8 people staying at my apartment for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. My buddy/room mate is so awesome to be okay with using our lil two bedroom apartment like a hostel. He's even gonna sleep elsewhere so that we can use his room! Plus, there will numerous GCN'ers getting together on Sunday afternoon after the conference. Stay tuned for pics of an awesome and full weekend!
So later today, I'm being interviewed by a local newspaper - the OC Weekly - to talk about my story as an Ex-Gay Survivor. Tomorrow, Wednesday morning, I'll be part of a press conference in LA for this weekend's conference. I'm just going to be available to tell my story in case anyone wants an interview. On Friday afternoon, prior to Peterson's show for the conference, there will be an authors' book signing event that i'm in charge of. It's with Mel White, Darlene Bogle, and Wayne Besen. I also received an email from someone from Here! (new Gay themed cable network) who may be interviewing me this weekend for some projects their network is doing regarding faith and sexuality. So we'll see how everything goes!
There is a ton going on for the conference, including some major press and media coverage. Check out everything that's going on at the Conference News Page. Something particularly interesting is an invitation to a private dinner that the Ex-Gay Survivors made to the Ex-Gay leaders. You can read it here.
There's so much going on right now here in Southern California with all of this. Will you please cover me and us and it all in prayer? Thanks!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Island Beauty
At this past Saturday's AIDS Walk Long Beach, I met these two super awesome gals named Siena and Toast - together they sing pop acoustic music and also hawaiian music. They are called Makena. I'm in love with them! They are beautiful and sweet - and also local.I spent some good time talking with them during one of their breaks. I told them all about Gay Christian Network and Catalyst and Two World Collision. I haven't been back to Hawaii since I last left there after 6th grade. I lived there for pretty much all of my elementary years. It was refreshing to reminisce a lil' about being there!
Anyway, their music is so sweet! Some of their songs are in english, some are in hawaiian, some are both. I'm definitely going to get their CD and maybe check out some of their shows. My favorite song is called "Good Enough".
Be sure to check out their site at http://www.makenamusic.com. You can hear some music samples at http://myspace.com/makenamusic. They also have a podcast at www.GirlMeetsGirlPodcast.com. There, Siena and Toast, two Hawaii girls, talk about being gay, Asian-American, their music, relationship, day to day spirituality, and pursuit of happiness in California. They have giveaways, listener mail, and interviews, too. I'm hoping to interview them for a future Catalyst podcast!
I made a video clip of them doing Sixpense None The Richer's "Kiss Me" this weekend. They gave me permission to post it on YouTube. Check it out!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Karaoke Virgins
Okay, this one is just hilarious. My friends Steve and Jayson did Madonna's "Like a Virgin" on karaoke at a luau birthday party that we were at Saturday night.
I've gotta tell ya - with all the craziness going on the past several months (see post from last Thursday), these two buds have brought true comic relief in my life. I hang out with alot of people, connecting with various groups and different folks and its all fun. But whenever I hang out with Steve and Jayson, it's a guarantee that I will laugh like crazy. These two keep me grounded. These two make sure I don't take life so seriously. I really appreciate their friendship and consider them a true blessing.
For a good time, call Steve and Jayson at 1-900-555-.... *grin*
Hehe, Happy Birthday Jayson!
I've gotta tell ya - with all the craziness going on the past several months (see post from last Thursday), these two buds have brought true comic relief in my life. I hang out with alot of people, connecting with various groups and different folks and its all fun. But whenever I hang out with Steve and Jayson, it's a guarantee that I will laugh like crazy. These two keep me grounded. These two make sure I don't take life so seriously. I really appreciate their friendship and consider them a true blessing.
For a good time, call Steve and Jayson at 1-900-555-.... *grin*
Hehe, Happy Birthday Jayson!
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Not So Average Brit
I understand being underestimated. I know what it feels like to have somebody take one look at me and be completely unimpressed.
He's young. He's old. He's gay. He's straight-acting. He's Christian. He's filipino. He's asian. He's a techie. He sees a fitness trainer. He's broke. He's stiff. He's a loner. He got his degree from THAT university.
Until, that is, when I begin to function within my element and, to their surprise, I absolutely kick ass! How do you like THEM apples!
I say that humbly, of course.
I was the guy who was picked last for basketball or football. I was the one who never made the cut. Perhaps this is why I love rooting for the underdog.
Behold, Paul Potts, a 36 year old average looking British cell phone salesman doing his rendition of Nessun Dorma in a talent competition that completely changed his world. According to IC Wales, he sang his first opera when he was 28 years old. And now hear him go!
It's not just his singing; it's his story that I find fascinating. Earlier this week, Matt Lauer interviewed William and Harry, the HOT british princes of Wales. But Paul is the Brit that inspires me. He's the hero.
He's young. He's old. He's gay. He's straight-acting. He's Christian. He's filipino. He's asian. He's a techie. He sees a fitness trainer. He's broke. He's stiff. He's a loner. He got his degree from THAT university.
Until, that is, when I begin to function within my element and, to their surprise, I absolutely kick ass! How do you like THEM apples!
I say that humbly, of course.
I was the guy who was picked last for basketball or football. I was the one who never made the cut. Perhaps this is why I love rooting for the underdog.
Behold, Paul Potts, a 36 year old average looking British cell phone salesman doing his rendition of Nessun Dorma in a talent competition that completely changed his world. According to IC Wales, he sang his first opera when he was 28 years old. And now hear him go!It's not just his singing; it's his story that I find fascinating. Earlier this week, Matt Lauer interviewed William and Harry, the HOT british princes of Wales. But Paul is the Brit that inspires me. He's the hero.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Nutshell Hodge Podge Version of Things
So yeah, it's been a while since my last post and there have been a ton of things going on (as you can tell if you've checked out some of the filmloops in the right column). I'll fill you in on the nutshell-hodge-podge version of the past several weeks to give you an idea of how my life has been. I promise that I'll try to find some time to sit down and process some raw thoughts. (Hehe, as if you've been waiting for the juicy stuff, right?) In the mean time, my world has been both crazy and crazy busy.
Pretty much all of my weekends and numerous weekdays for the past several months have been jam packed with connecting with a variety of folks - friends, new friends, work events, community events, family and even a couple of dates here and there (but no, not that many) . . . .
There have been a couple of birthday dinners. I've gone out to the local karaoke bar a few times. I've gone out dancing at some clubs. I even went to an underground club in LA and it was soooo much fun! That night I danced non-stop, literally, from 2:15am - 4:00am. It was crazy fun! I went out to Palm Springs one evening. I went to a gay prom. I went to an awards dinner for work. I had my last sessions with my personal trainer at the gym. I saw a friend play in a wind symphony concert. I went hiking. I was interviewed by a gay magazine with regional circulation. I was interviewed for a podcast. With the help of a friend, I created a touched up audio recording of my "Connect and Affect" speech. I'll post that up some time. I went to a poolside BBQ party. I've had dinner in several people's homes. I've gone to the movies many times. I've gone to a couple dinner parties. I went to happy hour. I helped clean up the beach. I saw a friend's first photo exhibit. I helped coordinate a multi-time zone movie viewing of The Breakfast Club along with a local lunch time breakfast food potluck in LA. I went on a couple of dates. I crushed during some non-dates. I reconciled two friendships that were previously on the rocks. I went to Santa Barbara. I saw the Long Beach Pride parade. I saw the Los Angeles Pride parade. I played volleyball. I played tennis. I've been jogging. I got addicted to Facebook. I caught up on TiVo (but now i'm behind again because i've been doing all these things you are reading about now). I met with a financial planner. I've exchanged a couple messages with some Match.com guys. I've been connecting with the planners for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference. I accepted a volunteer position as the Gay Christian Network (GCN) Southern California Regional Group Leader and Facilitator. I applied to do a small group workshop at GCN's annual conference in January 2008 in Washington DC. I've talked with God.
So that was all the fun stuff.
The not so fun stuff includes some really horrible days at work for the past month. The Executive Director was fired. The internal politics at work flared up and the two factions started warring with each other. The keys to the building and the alarm code were changed. I didn't receive the new ones for several days (and i'm supposed to open the office in the mornings). A couple Board of Directors cussed each other out in the office in front of a member and all the office staff. There were protestors outside the office who eventually barged inside forcing themselves in the lobby area (where my desk is) and did the whole yelling and chanting bit. (They were protesting against the organization's president). I lost respect for many of them because of their tantrum-like bullying behavior. We were on the front page of the newspaper numerous times. Editorials were written about the organization. The tension in the office was so thick at times that you could slice it with a knife! On one day, I left work early after only being there two hours because of the tension. One co-worker in particular has been getting on my-last-nerve! There have been independent auditors in the building. The book keeper quit today of all days - the day that our payroll is processed so that we can get paid on Friday. There have been numerous members calling, emailing, and coming in wondering what the heck is going on because the president hasn't been communicating with them (or even the press) why they fired the Executive Director. So the press is only reporting one side of the issue. A controversial meeting was held to reinstate the Executive Director but there is still question in regards to that meeting's legitimacy. So the boss is back but it's way awkward. Is he really back? Is he really the boss? We're all caught in the middle.
On the flip side, we finally reached a tentative agreement on our employment contract in our bargaining sessions. Part of that agreement includes retroactive pay. I'm super stoked about that. What shall I do with that money, you ask? Why - pay for my MidWest vacation through five states that i'm taking with a friend at the end of August, of course! =) The Board of Directors votes to ratify our contract tomorrow. They better. Otherwise, we're ALL calling in sick!
Sigh.
Okay, i think that's it. That's all the craziness of my life the past couple months. In the next several weeks, i'll be attending the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference and helping with the book-signing table. I'll be seeing Peterson Toscano's awesome show along with Jason & DeMarco. I'll be going to a picnic in San Diego that i've helped put together. I'll be going to a hawaiian themed birthday party. I'll be participating in the Long Beach AIDS Walk. I'll be going to a single day of the Evangelicals Concerned Western Region Conference. I'll be having coffee with many people. I'll be having dinner with many people. Hopefully, i'll be going on some dates. I may go camping. I am definitely going to the movies to see Transformers, Harry Potter and Evan Almighty. Also on my radar is getting the Catalyst web site revamped and updated. I also want to prepare and video record my Ex-Gay Survivors story and also my vision for Catalyst. At the end of August, a friend and I are planning on touring St. Louis, MO, Louisville, KY (to support BeckyO in her Ironman triathlon), Indianapolis, IN, Chicago, IL, and Grand Rapids, MI. Fun times!
So the summer will be super jam-packed. Let's hope I can balance this introvert's social life with some alone time. Maybe then I can really blog and give you some of that raw juicy stuff that i've been thinking and processing about in this head of mine. Either way, thanks for keeping up with me and TWC!
Stay tuned....
Pretty much all of my weekends and numerous weekdays for the past several months have been jam packed with connecting with a variety of folks - friends, new friends, work events, community events, family and even a couple of dates here and there (but no, not that many) . . . .
There have been a couple of birthday dinners. I've gone out to the local karaoke bar a few times. I've gone out dancing at some clubs. I even went to an underground club in LA and it was soooo much fun! That night I danced non-stop, literally, from 2:15am - 4:00am. It was crazy fun! I went out to Palm Springs one evening. I went to a gay prom. I went to an awards dinner for work. I had my last sessions with my personal trainer at the gym. I saw a friend play in a wind symphony concert. I went hiking. I was interviewed by a gay magazine with regional circulation. I was interviewed for a podcast. With the help of a friend, I created a touched up audio recording of my "Connect and Affect" speech. I'll post that up some time. I went to a poolside BBQ party. I've had dinner in several people's homes. I've gone to the movies many times. I've gone to a couple dinner parties. I went to happy hour. I helped clean up the beach. I saw a friend's first photo exhibit. I helped coordinate a multi-time zone movie viewing of The Breakfast Club along with a local lunch time breakfast food potluck in LA. I went on a couple of dates. I crushed during some non-dates. I reconciled two friendships that were previously on the rocks. I went to Santa Barbara. I saw the Long Beach Pride parade. I saw the Los Angeles Pride parade. I played volleyball. I played tennis. I've been jogging. I got addicted to Facebook. I caught up on TiVo (but now i'm behind again because i've been doing all these things you are reading about now). I met with a financial planner. I've exchanged a couple messages with some Match.com guys. I've been connecting with the planners for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference. I accepted a volunteer position as the Gay Christian Network (GCN) Southern California Regional Group Leader and Facilitator. I applied to do a small group workshop at GCN's annual conference in January 2008 in Washington DC. I've talked with God.
So that was all the fun stuff.
The not so fun stuff includes some really horrible days at work for the past month. The Executive Director was fired. The internal politics at work flared up and the two factions started warring with each other. The keys to the building and the alarm code were changed. I didn't receive the new ones for several days (and i'm supposed to open the office in the mornings). A couple Board of Directors cussed each other out in the office in front of a member and all the office staff. There were protestors outside the office who eventually barged inside forcing themselves in the lobby area (where my desk is) and did the whole yelling and chanting bit. (They were protesting against the organization's president). I lost respect for many of them because of their tantrum-like bullying behavior. We were on the front page of the newspaper numerous times. Editorials were written about the organization. The tension in the office was so thick at times that you could slice it with a knife! On one day, I left work early after only being there two hours because of the tension. One co-worker in particular has been getting on my-last-nerve! There have been independent auditors in the building. The book keeper quit today of all days - the day that our payroll is processed so that we can get paid on Friday. There have been numerous members calling, emailing, and coming in wondering what the heck is going on because the president hasn't been communicating with them (or even the press) why they fired the Executive Director. So the press is only reporting one side of the issue. A controversial meeting was held to reinstate the Executive Director but there is still question in regards to that meeting's legitimacy. So the boss is back but it's way awkward. Is he really back? Is he really the boss? We're all caught in the middle.
On the flip side, we finally reached a tentative agreement on our employment contract in our bargaining sessions. Part of that agreement includes retroactive pay. I'm super stoked about that. What shall I do with that money, you ask? Why - pay for my MidWest vacation through five states that i'm taking with a friend at the end of August, of course! =) The Board of Directors votes to ratify our contract tomorrow. They better. Otherwise, we're ALL calling in sick!
Sigh.
Okay, i think that's it. That's all the craziness of my life the past couple months. In the next several weeks, i'll be attending the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference and helping with the book-signing table. I'll be seeing Peterson Toscano's awesome show along with Jason & DeMarco. I'll be going to a picnic in San Diego that i've helped put together. I'll be going to a hawaiian themed birthday party. I'll be participating in the Long Beach AIDS Walk. I'll be going to a single day of the Evangelicals Concerned Western Region Conference. I'll be having coffee with many people. I'll be having dinner with many people. Hopefully, i'll be going on some dates. I may go camping. I am definitely going to the movies to see Transformers, Harry Potter and Evan Almighty. Also on my radar is getting the Catalyst web site revamped and updated. I also want to prepare and video record my Ex-Gay Survivors story and also my vision for Catalyst. At the end of August, a friend and I are planning on touring St. Louis, MO, Louisville, KY (to support BeckyO in her Ironman triathlon), Indianapolis, IN, Chicago, IL, and Grand Rapids, MI. Fun times!
So the summer will be super jam-packed. Let's hope I can balance this introvert's social life with some alone time. Maybe then I can really blog and give you some of that raw juicy stuff that i've been thinking and processing about in this head of mine. Either way, thanks for keeping up with me and TWC!
Stay tuned....
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Happy Birthday Christine!
Here's birthday wishes to my fabulous friend Christine! Hope you enjoy your day and know that you are loved! =)
If you remember me mentioning in a previous post about her, Christine is a key organizer for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference at UC Irvine here in Southern California.
It's gonna be an awesome time of connecting with other people who have "survived" ex-gay ministries and also for those who understand the tension of being in a hostile climate towards the issue of faith and homosexuality.
I'm really looking forward to this conference. I've already registered for it. Consider registering for it too! =)
If you remember me mentioning in a previous post about her, Christine is a key organizer for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference at UC Irvine here in Southern California.
It's gonna be an awesome time of connecting with other people who have "survived" ex-gay ministries and also for those who understand the tension of being in a hostile climate towards the issue of faith and homosexuality.
I'm really looking forward to this conference. I've already registered for it. Consider registering for it too! =)
Thursday, May 31, 2007
I Madonnari Festival 2007
While in Santa Barbara this weekend, me and some pals checked out the I Madonnari festival and saw some really incredible chalk art. Check them out in the film loop below. Click on 'Watch the Show' for the larger screen version.
Be sure to check out my other film loops in the top right column of this blog!
Be sure to check out my other film loops in the top right column of this blog!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Free Hugs in Santa Barbara
I spent the Memorial Day Weekend with some pals in Santa Barbara, CA and we saw a guy, Jerry Matteo, giving out free hugs as part of the Free Hugs Campaign. I gladly gave him a huge hug and thanked him for what he's doing.Jerry is a hero!
I thought it was so cool to actually see someone doing it. I first heard about it and posted it in a previous post here.
I've since discovered Free Hugs all over the world:
Free Hugs in VenezuelaFree Hugs in Korea
Free Hugs in Amsterdam
Free Hugs in Tel Aviv
Free Hugs in China
Free Hugs in Italy
Free Hugs in Paris
Free Hugs in Tokyo
And also Free Hugs in Hollywood:
Why not Free Hugs in Long Beach, CA?
Monday, May 28, 2007
Soldiers Who Journey
Back in high school I had every intention of joining the military. I was going to be a psychologist in the U.S. Air Force. I was in JROTC for all four years of high school and I was slated for getting into Senior ROTC at a university, becoming an officer and serving this country and its service men and women by helping them process through whatever it is they are journeying through.
God had different plans for me.
By the time I had graduated, I began a different path - one that eventually led me here. The path God had laid out for me was not one of journeying with those in the military. Instead, it was one of journeying with those processing through personal conflict and tension and collision between faith and sexuality. A completely different kind of war all together.
I'm learning that before I can help anyone journey, it's important that I first endure my own personal battles. It's still hard. But at least I know that the war isn't fought alone.
I agree with John over at Average Gay Joe. Today is not a day for politics. It is a day to remember. It is a day to honor. It is a day to acknowledge that at the end of the day, there is always a cost - for any war.
Song by Avril Lavigne - "Keep Holding On". Click here for lyrics.
God had different plans for me.
By the time I had graduated, I began a different path - one that eventually led me here. The path God had laid out for me was not one of journeying with those in the military. Instead, it was one of journeying with those processing through personal conflict and tension and collision between faith and sexuality. A completely different kind of war all together.
I'm learning that before I can help anyone journey, it's important that I first endure my own personal battles. It's still hard. But at least I know that the war isn't fought alone.
I agree with John over at Average Gay Joe. Today is not a day for politics. It is a day to remember. It is a day to honor. It is a day to acknowledge that at the end of the day, there is always a cost - for any war.
Song by Avril Lavigne - "Keep Holding On". Click here for lyrics.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Stories that Build Bridges and Relationships
This past Saturday night was the first time I brought some of my gay and straight friends together for an intentional time of informal worship, sharing of stories, and (of course) potluck. The idea was to provide a context where I could bring together some of the relationships I've been developing in different circles and safely introduce them to each other for the purpose of getting to know one another better.So we packed in 25 people into my little apartment, hung out and had our fill of potluck dinner and goodies. Then we had three people (lesbian, straight, gay) share their stories with the group . . . .
For each person that shared, the group had an opportunity to ask questions of the person for the purpose of getting to know that person better. Then as a community, we verbally honored the person by expressing our love, acceptance, and affirmation for him or her. Then we all prayed for that person before hearing the story of the next person.
It was a really awesome time! Bianca, Polin, and Shawn shared their stories and we had a wonderful opportunity of getting to know their hearts, passions, journeys, and stories. The really awesome thing was that the focus wasn't on sexuality. It was discussed in the context of a person's story, but the main focus was always on our growing relationship with Christ and how we are living a lifestyle of worship and community.
As we concluded, we were encouraged to continue connecting with one another by being intentional about nurturing healthy relationships with God, people of the same gender, other genders and also healthy romantic relationships.
My goal for hosting this evening was to elevate the conversation beyond the gay-straight issue and to help build bridges through genuine relationships. It is my belief that through relationships we can shatter paradigms and stereotypes. I take an organic approach to mostly everything so I wasn't planning on making this an "event" or "program" with a "name". I prefer to allow relationships the freedom to drive what we do next. So afterwards, several people talked about doing similar evenings like these in their own homes and inviting their different circles of friends. This is great because I encouraged people NOT to depend on me to keep doing this but rather to own the vision themselves. So next time, it'll be in someone else's home and we'll have different people sharing their stories.I've got some of the after-pics in the filmloop section at the top of the right column of this blog. Check them out! I didn't want to violate the atmosphere of what we were trying to do by trying to document it with photos. So there aren't any photos during our time of sharing stories, but there are pics of some of the GCN'ers that hung around afterwards. =)
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The Other Half of the Whole of Me
[Note: Scroll down for Jay Brannan's YouTube video of "String-a-long Song" and lyrics.]
Sometimes I feel like I can't say certain things here at TWC. Yeah, I know, it's my own fault. Along this journey of mine, I voluntarily traded my anonymity for my authenticity. Yet in that process, I guess it just makes me want to hold back a bit because blogging isn't just an outlet anymore - it's a place for me to be known. And that's kinda scary.
I did hate being in the closet. I hated the double life. I hated being hidden. I hated the fact that no one knew what was going on in my head. I felt unknown. Maybe that's why some people's coming out experience is so extreme - the clubs, the dancing, the drinking, the expression of formerly shackled emotions and the freedom from inhibitions. If coming out is an announcement of self, then here I blog . . . .
But I feel like I've been holding back the past several months. When I first started this blog, I was pretty raw with my thoughts and emotions along this journey. Over the past several months, I'll admit that I've talked more about vision and community and passion and less about personal heart ache, struggle and vice.
There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. I'm juggling quite a bit and i'm honestly not complaining. I feel alive, at least. I remember when I didn't feel anything at all. That's for another post. Today, in the midst of crazy busyness of connecting with people, casting vision for the community, rekindling plans for my non-profit Catalyst, hosting another social gathering tonight, and getting ready for Long Beach (GLBT) Pride tomorrow, I feel inspired, excited and full. But if i'm wanting to be fully authentic with you, that's not ALL that i'm feeling. I'm also feeling alone, frustrated and kinda angry. I'm not a basket case. That's just the other half of the whole of me that I sometimes unconciously keep in the closet.
I'm a new fan of Jay Brannan (thanks to Drew!). I find that I relate with his lyrics at some level. I like him because he's raw. I miss being raw. And for this day, his "String-a-long Song" articulates how i've been feeling for the past several months but have intentionally held back from here before. He starts with a bit of personal intro and announcement (which I love when he does that in his videos) then the song follows. Here ya go....
"String-a-long Song" Music & Lyrics by Jay Brannan
to the boy who should've loved me
from the boy you could've had
i promise not to send this letter
i wouldn't want you to feel bad
for not opening your heart to me
for your unavailability
i guess you're not required to like me
but did you fake it just to spite me?
pre-chorus
well, here's a little string-a-long song for you
so give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy, and string-a-long with me too
chorus 1
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
although your disinterest kinda came as a surprise cuz
you could see the sin and the sadness and taste the gin and the madness
on my lips and in my eyes, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end
well, the flake syndrome is an epidemic that spans the globe from town to town
but i can't figure out why you'd put forth such an effort to win me over just to turn me down
cuz your words are so soft and sweet, but your actions are screaming
and if you see me waiting around for you,
hope you also see you're dreaming
pre-chorus
chorus 1
bridge
i know you'll break my heart
i know i'll fall apart
i know cuz this is how it starts
and maybe it's wrong of me
to wish that we could be
but your kiss matched mine so perfectly
pre-chorus
chorus 2
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
i wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
the truth is i wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, i owe you one of the few i got left of my nine lives, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end
© 2004 Great Depression Publishing (BMI)
Sometimes I feel like I can't say certain things here at TWC. Yeah, I know, it's my own fault. Along this journey of mine, I voluntarily traded my anonymity for my authenticity. Yet in that process, I guess it just makes me want to hold back a bit because blogging isn't just an outlet anymore - it's a place for me to be known. And that's kinda scary.
I did hate being in the closet. I hated the double life. I hated being hidden. I hated the fact that no one knew what was going on in my head. I felt unknown. Maybe that's why some people's coming out experience is so extreme - the clubs, the dancing, the drinking, the expression of formerly shackled emotions and the freedom from inhibitions. If coming out is an announcement of self, then here I blog . . . .
But I feel like I've been holding back the past several months. When I first started this blog, I was pretty raw with my thoughts and emotions along this journey. Over the past several months, I'll admit that I've talked more about vision and community and passion and less about personal heart ache, struggle and vice.
There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. I'm juggling quite a bit and i'm honestly not complaining. I feel alive, at least. I remember when I didn't feel anything at all. That's for another post. Today, in the midst of crazy busyness of connecting with people, casting vision for the community, rekindling plans for my non-profit Catalyst, hosting another social gathering tonight, and getting ready for Long Beach (GLBT) Pride tomorrow, I feel inspired, excited and full. But if i'm wanting to be fully authentic with you, that's not ALL that i'm feeling. I'm also feeling alone, frustrated and kinda angry. I'm not a basket case. That's just the other half of the whole of me that I sometimes unconciously keep in the closet.
I'm a new fan of Jay Brannan (thanks to Drew!). I find that I relate with his lyrics at some level. I like him because he's raw. I miss being raw. And for this day, his "String-a-long Song" articulates how i've been feeling for the past several months but have intentionally held back from here before. He starts with a bit of personal intro and announcement (which I love when he does that in his videos) then the song follows. Here ya go....
"String-a-long Song" Music & Lyrics by Jay Brannan
to the boy who should've loved me
from the boy you could've had
i promise not to send this letter
i wouldn't want you to feel bad
for not opening your heart to me
for your unavailability
i guess you're not required to like me
but did you fake it just to spite me?
pre-chorus
well, here's a little string-a-long song for you
so give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy, and string-a-long with me too
chorus 1
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
although your disinterest kinda came as a surprise cuz
you could see the sin and the sadness and taste the gin and the madness
on my lips and in my eyes, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end
well, the flake syndrome is an epidemic that spans the globe from town to town
but i can't figure out why you'd put forth such an effort to win me over just to turn me down
cuz your words are so soft and sweet, but your actions are screaming
and if you see me waiting around for you,
hope you also see you're dreaming
pre-chorus
chorus 1
bridge
i know you'll break my heart
i know i'll fall apart
i know cuz this is how it starts
and maybe it's wrong of me
to wish that we could be
but your kiss matched mine so perfectly
pre-chorus
chorus 2
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
i wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
the truth is i wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, i owe you one of the few i got left of my nine lives, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end
© 2004 Great Depression Publishing (BMI)
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I Didn't Know Jerry Falwell; He Didn't Know Me
I honestly don't know what to think about Reverend Jerry Falwell dying. I didn't know him. He didn't know me.
I tend to avoid extremes - being the bridge builder that I try to be, my conversations don't tend to be in those circles. In fact, most of the people in my local circles probably know as much as I do about Jerry Falwell. Hearing the kinds of things that ultra-extreme people say just makes me want to change the subject because it seems so narrow-minded. I'd rather talk about broader more important things above political and controversial issues. In my opinion, that's what Jesus did. He changed the subject and reframed the issue.
Gosh though. I feel weird calling him "Jerry". A super awesome friend of mine calls him "Jerry". He attended Liberty University - the conservative school that Jerry Falwell founded. He even has friends that went to the school or are still there. Even several of the online articles reporting about his death referred to him as "Jerry". But I can't really do that. It just seems odd to me to refer to him on a first name basis when all I know of him is that I don't know him . . . .
I know what i've heard. I heard that he blamed homosexuals and a slew of other "sinners" for the tragedies of 9/11 and the hurricanes. I heard that he confronted practically everyone about moral issues. I heard that he was devoted to advocating for a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. I suppose this all means he probably wouldn't like me very much if he knew me and that I'm one of "them".
But then I think of my super awesome friend who I'm sure saw a different perspective of him. Having gone to the conservative school, i'm sure my friend and his friends would have seen him in a positive light. There's so much about Jerry Falwell that I don't know. Who was he married to? Did he have children? Grandchildren? What was his family like? Did he love them as much as I love my family? Was he friendly to people on the Liberty U. campus? Was he friendly to guests? Did he ever cry about anything? Did he ever cry when looking in the mirror like I have? Was he aware of his shortcomings and did he daily turn to the Lord for grace and forgiveness like I do? Did he ever know what it's like to be misunderstood? Did he know what it's like to be hated? What else could he and I have related with?
So I kinda feel weird thinking anything negative about Jerry Falwell because I respect my friend so much and I'd hate to offend him. It's not that he agrees with everything that Jerry Falwell advocated for/against. In fact, I know that my friend doesn't. But my friend knew Jerry Falwell alot more than I did so I don't feel right judging Jerry Falwell since I didn't know him.
And he didn't know me.
He didn't know my love for Jesus, my Savior and Lord. He didn't know my heart for those God loves. He didn't know my passion for the community and for connecting the disconnected. He didn't know that I actually do bear the fruits of the Spirit because I actually do have the Spirit of the living God in me. He didn't know that I was his brother. Yet he probably would have judged me for what he saw (assumed) on my outside - being gay - rather than recognizing that same spirit from my inside - being Christian.
So I kinda have mixed feelings about his passing away. Jerry Falwell was a man. Regardless of whether he loved or hated people, God loved Jerry Falwell nonetheless. Even as much as God loves me.
I wish that in his lifetime Jerry would have realized that.
I tend to avoid extremes - being the bridge builder that I try to be, my conversations don't tend to be in those circles. In fact, most of the people in my local circles probably know as much as I do about Jerry Falwell. Hearing the kinds of things that ultra-extreme people say just makes me want to change the subject because it seems so narrow-minded. I'd rather talk about broader more important things above political and controversial issues. In my opinion, that's what Jesus did. He changed the subject and reframed the issue.
Gosh though. I feel weird calling him "Jerry". A super awesome friend of mine calls him "Jerry". He attended Liberty University - the conservative school that Jerry Falwell founded. He even has friends that went to the school or are still there. Even several of the online articles reporting about his death referred to him as "Jerry". But I can't really do that. It just seems odd to me to refer to him on a first name basis when all I know of him is that I don't know him . . . .
I know what i've heard. I heard that he blamed homosexuals and a slew of other "sinners" for the tragedies of 9/11 and the hurricanes. I heard that he confronted practically everyone about moral issues. I heard that he was devoted to advocating for a Constitutional Amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. I suppose this all means he probably wouldn't like me very much if he knew me and that I'm one of "them".
But then I think of my super awesome friend who I'm sure saw a different perspective of him. Having gone to the conservative school, i'm sure my friend and his friends would have seen him in a positive light. There's so much about Jerry Falwell that I don't know. Who was he married to? Did he have children? Grandchildren? What was his family like? Did he love them as much as I love my family? Was he friendly to people on the Liberty U. campus? Was he friendly to guests? Did he ever cry about anything? Did he ever cry when looking in the mirror like I have? Was he aware of his shortcomings and did he daily turn to the Lord for grace and forgiveness like I do? Did he ever know what it's like to be misunderstood? Did he know what it's like to be hated? What else could he and I have related with?
So I kinda feel weird thinking anything negative about Jerry Falwell because I respect my friend so much and I'd hate to offend him. It's not that he agrees with everything that Jerry Falwell advocated for/against. In fact, I know that my friend doesn't. But my friend knew Jerry Falwell alot more than I did so I don't feel right judging Jerry Falwell since I didn't know him.
And he didn't know me.
He didn't know my love for Jesus, my Savior and Lord. He didn't know my heart for those God loves. He didn't know my passion for the community and for connecting the disconnected. He didn't know that I actually do bear the fruits of the Spirit because I actually do have the Spirit of the living God in me. He didn't know that I was his brother. Yet he probably would have judged me for what he saw (assumed) on my outside - being gay - rather than recognizing that same spirit from my inside - being Christian.
So I kinda have mixed feelings about his passing away. Jerry Falwell was a man. Regardless of whether he loved or hated people, God loved Jerry Falwell nonetheless. Even as much as God loves me.
I wish that in his lifetime Jerry would have realized that.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Tools for the Ex-Gay Recovery Process
The special feature question of the month for May over at Beyond Ex-Gay is:
How has a book, movie or web site helped you in your ex-gay recovery process?
I can identify two things that helped me in my ex-gay recovery process. The first is a web site called GayChristian.Net that helped me to discover the spectrum of beliefs about faith and sexuality. The second is the blogosphere. Both helped me to experience my own journey.
One year after completing the six-month Living Waters program, I was no less same-sex attracted than I was before the program. In fact, I was even lonelier because we were encouraged not to keep in contact with other people in the program . . . .
As I continued to live out my faith despite the attractions that I had, I was a part of (leading) prayer groups from throughout the city where we would often pray against the “spirit of homosexuality” and against gay people. It was then that God began to prompt my heart, “Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?”
I realized that I shouldn’t pray for someone I can’t love and I can’t love someone I don’t know. Therefore, with God’s leading, I began to pursue people’s stories so that I could begin to understand them better. When I discovered GayChristian.Net (GCN), I found an online community of people with similar stories. They were all same-sex attracted (or identified with gender differently) and they all loved God (or had a background of religion or faith). I also discovered that they didn’t all believe the same things about faith and sexuality. Some held a perspective called Side A that suggested that a person could be both gay and Christian in the context of monogamy, commitment, and covenant. Some held a perspective called Side B that suggested that a person may acknowledge the reality of being gay (having the attractions) while also being Christian but that we ought to be celibate and shouldn’t act upon our same-sex attractions because it is still a sin. Consequently, Side X would be the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian because it is a sin in any form or expression and that we should and can be transformed to be straight (ex-gay).
In addition to GCN, I also discovered the wonders of the blogosphere. It was an intricate web of personal stories chronicled on a blog – a web journal that linked to other blogs. It was a great way to read about the journeys of so many people who were just like me. I even started my own blog to tell my story and to explore authenticity. I gained a sense of community through the blogosphere because commentary, feedback, and encouragement (or criticism) was freely given. It really is a great way to get to know people. Through our common stories and mutual links, I developed actual (albeit virtual) friendships.
Discovering the diversity of what people believed about homosexuality in the context of genuine faith helped me to realize that there is a difference between various truths and the interpretation of truth. My ex-gay recovery process took some time. I had been conditioned to believe that being straight was part of the holiness equation. It was okay to question that. At the end of the day, I realized that my faith was in tact. Perhaps, my sexuality could remain in tact as well.
How has a book, movie or web site helped you in your ex-gay recovery process?
I can identify two things that helped me in my ex-gay recovery process. The first is a web site called GayChristian.Net that helped me to discover the spectrum of beliefs about faith and sexuality. The second is the blogosphere. Both helped me to experience my own journey.
One year after completing the six-month Living Waters program, I was no less same-sex attracted than I was before the program. In fact, I was even lonelier because we were encouraged not to keep in contact with other people in the program . . . .
As I continued to live out my faith despite the attractions that I had, I was a part of (leading) prayer groups from throughout the city where we would often pray against the “spirit of homosexuality” and against gay people. It was then that God began to prompt my heart, “Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?”
I realized that I shouldn’t pray for someone I can’t love and I can’t love someone I don’t know. Therefore, with God’s leading, I began to pursue people’s stories so that I could begin to understand them better. When I discovered GayChristian.Net (GCN), I found an online community of people with similar stories. They were all same-sex attracted (or identified with gender differently) and they all loved God (or had a background of religion or faith). I also discovered that they didn’t all believe the same things about faith and sexuality. Some held a perspective called Side A that suggested that a person could be both gay and Christian in the context of monogamy, commitment, and covenant. Some held a perspective called Side B that suggested that a person may acknowledge the reality of being gay (having the attractions) while also being Christian but that we ought to be celibate and shouldn’t act upon our same-sex attractions because it is still a sin. Consequently, Side X would be the perspective that one cannot be both gay and Christian because it is a sin in any form or expression and that we should and can be transformed to be straight (ex-gay).
In addition to GCN, I also discovered the wonders of the blogosphere. It was an intricate web of personal stories chronicled on a blog – a web journal that linked to other blogs. It was a great way to read about the journeys of so many people who were just like me. I even started my own blog to tell my story and to explore authenticity. I gained a sense of community through the blogosphere because commentary, feedback, and encouragement (or criticism) was freely given. It really is a great way to get to know people. Through our common stories and mutual links, I developed actual (albeit virtual) friendships.
Discovering the diversity of what people believed about homosexuality in the context of genuine faith helped me to realize that there is a difference between various truths and the interpretation of truth. My ex-gay recovery process took some time. I had been conditioned to believe that being straight was part of the holiness equation. It was okay to question that. At the end of the day, I realized that my faith was in tact. Perhaps, my sexuality could remain in tact as well.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Birthday Wishes For Buddy
Today is my good buddy's birthday!!! This is a pic of us two months ago where he completed the Los Angeles Marathon in just under four and a half hours. I'm still very proud of him! He and I have been friends for two years now and I appreciate him so much. We've also been room mates for over a year.He continues to be a person in my life that I value greatly. I'm gonna have flowers sent to his work today - he teaches at a school for individuals with special needs. For so many reasons, he's still one of my heroes! I've talked about why before in previous posts. Read them here. He knows it.
Happy Birthday Buddy!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Becky's SoCal Weekend
So apparently, I talk in my sleep. And I laugh too. That's what my friend Becky, visiting me (finally) from Michigan, told me the other night. I must have been having a fun dream!Becky and I have become super awesome friends over the past year and a half (thanks to our mutual friend Matt) and this weekend was the very first time that we got to meet each other!
She's always wanted to come out to Long Beach to visit me and one day I told her to just ask God to open a door for her to be able to come. She did. One week later, she told me that her job just happened to be sending her to Southern California for a few days! Woo hoo! God is so good!
So ever since I picked her up at the airport Saturday morning, we have been laughing and cracking ourselves up. It's been so much fun . . . .
On Saturday afternoon, I took her to one of my favorite restaurants here in Long Beach and had Lebanese food. There was this super hot waiter there with the cutest eyes and the most adorable smile and *cough*ahem* nice jeans! We were laughing so much because we both agreed that we kept getting mixed signals from the guy. It seriously looked like he was flirting with BOTH of us! In the beginning, he'd make serious eye contact with me (with oh so dreamy eyes and the cutest smile). Then he'd look over to Becky briefly. Next time around, he'll smile at her and move on. Then he'll come back and put his hand on my back and ask how things are but he'll be looking at Becky. So he was totally engaging both of us!
We were both cracking up because we also agreed that we were BOTH incredibly obvious in our oogling! Yeah, he was probably playing off both of us because he wanted a big tip (which he got). LOL.
Oh yeah, he was also wearing a gold band on his left ring finger. Argh!!!!
BUT......
While Becky was in the restroom, he totally initiated conversation with me about his love for dogs! Long Beach has lots of dog lovers and so we often saw people walking their dogs along the sidewalk where we were sitting.
It was sooooooo cute the way he was talking to me when it was JUST THE TWO OF US!!!!!!
(ROFL - Becky just read that last line and she said "gag me!")
Anyway, Becky returned and I thanked the guy (Jonathan, sigh). Then he looked (straight?) into my eyes with that oh so super cute smile and said "Hey be sure to come back okay?" *grin* He was talking to me because he knew that Becky was visiting me from out of state.
Becky and I walked away like a couple of school girls!
Sigh + Fawn
Then we went for a walk around Belmont Shore, the beach and the pier as we were just chatting and laughing.
We went back home to my place to relax. Then we went to Hot Java (coffee place) with Shawn to meet up with Dave until a few other SoCal GCN'ers arrived for our dinner at Ambrosia's. Good times. Lotsa kissing! (See photos in film loop at the top right corner of this blog! HUGE thanks and hugs/kisses to Dave for most of the quality photos.)
Afterwards, we crashed at my place (the unofficial SoCal GCN Hostel).
Sunday morning, we went to church service at Open Door Ministries (in Long Beach). This was Becky's first experience at an affirming congregation. After the service, someone randomly told her, "You must be straight because there is NOTHING gay about you!" Becky laughed so hard!
[Side note: Becky is one of our hugest "allies"! She has an incredible heart and passion for the GLBT community. She even competed at the last Gay Games in Chicago as a triathlete for team HRC! She's one of my heroes! Read about it here. ]
After service, I took her to Lake Perris to meet my family because it was my brother's birthday bbq/picnic. Yeah, bringing a girl to meet them confused my family. LOL, i had just come out to them too! So I told them all that Becky and I met on Match.com. Of course, I told them I was kidding! But it really was kinda weird. How do you explain to your family that you are really good friends with someone but that you are just now meeting for the first time?
Anyway, it doesn't matter really.
We drove back home to Long Beach to relax a bit before heading out to Santa Monica's pier and Third Street Promenade. On the way there, we picked up Shawn in downtown Los Angeles.
We had a great time hanging out, watching sidewalk entertainers and people watching. Right before dinner, we saw a large crowd salsa dancing in the street. So Shawn asked this random girl to dance with him. It was hilarious! The video is dark but you can see him in action here:
It was super fun hanging out together at the Promenade and Pier. Of course, we had to grab an ice cream cone before closing the evening. =)
So of course, Becky doesn't want to go back to Michigan. I told her just to stay here and have someone pack her stuff and send them here. It'll be so awesome when Becky finally moves out here. She will too. It's just a matter of time. Until then, i'll have to wait until October when she comes out again for the Long Beach marathon. I'm also toying with the idea of visiting Michigan sometime in the Summer.....hmmm.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Glamorous Christine
I first met Christine Bakke at the 2nd GCN Conference in Florida in January 2006. We were a group of four who went out for dinner and I remember falling in love with her smile.Now THAT's a woman.
She's got an incredible story - a testimony of a woman who's faith has been through fire as she desperately pursued changing her sexual orientation. She saw the things she held dear in her life deconstruct yet she rose from the ashes - whole.
I suppose the irony of her experiences in ex-gay (Side X) ministries, as with so many of our own stories, is that in going to these places to "heal" us of our "brokenness", they actually broke us further. But as Christine says, "There's nothing to cure."
I agree with her in that our wholeness has more to do with authentically living out our faith as complete and God-loved yet imperfect human beings and less to do with simply being (or rather, acting) heterosexual. Wholeness is not about being gay or straight. It's about being reconciled to God through Christ. I think our task is to explore what that looks like in every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and sexually. As whole individuals, it doesn't mean we are straight. It means we love in more healthy ways. That's the point.
Christine was interviewed for Glamour magazine. It was an arduous process as she wrestled with having to accept anonymity for a long season (until the article was ready) for the sake of eventually being more known. You can read the article here.
She was also interviewed yesterday by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America. You can watch her here. You can read about it here.
She's got a blog at "Rising Up Whole" here. She's also the co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay. I mentioned before about the Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference at the end of June. I've already registered. You should consider going - even if you haven't been a part of a designated "ex-gay" ministry. If you've ever been a part of a church or religious climate that condemned people simply because of being gay and understand the heart-wrenching experience that is, then the conference is for you! And you'll get to meet Christine! (hehe, and me!)
Monday, April 23, 2007
Second Place Trophy at Division Speech Contest
I won the 2nd Place Trophy at the Division Speech Contest this past Saturday morning! Woo hoo!I also had the support of some awesome SoCal GCN friends, not to mention members of my local Toastmasters club! Gosh, it meant so much to me to have them all there, especially since they all came from cities all around Southern California. They are such a blessing!
A fellow club member, Dana, competed in a different category and she won first place! So she gets to advance to the District Conference! As for me, I serve as the alternate in my category representing the district so in case *something happens to the 1st place winner* (grin), I've gotta be ready to go!
Afterwards, we went out for a celebratory lunch in Redondo Beach at a really great restaurant.
I had alot of fun competing in the contest! It was great being able to share my message of community and citizenship with an audience full of public speakers. My goal was not to focus on winning the contest, but rather to effectively communicate the very same message that I have been giving to people in my community. If some of these awesome speakers can take something of what I shared with them and incorporate it into their own speeches, then the message can continue on way past me. I think I was able to do this so I consider myself successful! Plus, i'm very pleased with how I delivered the speech. =)
Be sure to check out the pics in the photo loops at the top of the right column!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Day of Remembrance
I just wanted to join the Virginia Tech campus along with Blacksburg, Virginia and the rest of the country in taking a moment to remember the victims of the tragic event this past Monday, April 16, 2007.I've been watching and thinking and praying and processing all week. On Wednesday morning, I cried. I had planned on writing a post earlier but couldn't. For now, I'll take a moment to honor the heroes and to consider the survivors - family, friends, neighbors, classmates.
Go to Virginia Tech's Website here to check out their memorials, photos and news. You can also view various media, video and podcasts here.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Connect and Affect
I won my first speech contest in Toastmasters last Saturday morning! Woo hoo!!!! (Scroll down to the bottom of this post to hear the audio of my speech and/or read the text.)
It was an Area contest which means that representatives from our club, Speak Out! Toastmasters, were competing against people from other clubs in the area. I was competing in the International speech competition and my friend Dana (in the photo) was competing in the Tall Tales competition.
As you can see in the photo, both of us won in each of our categories!
The International speech is supposed to be motivational/inspirational . . . .
A person who advances up the levels of this competition eventually competes at Toastmasters' International Convention at the end of summer where people from other countries will come to compete for the World Champion of Public Speaking title. LOL - wow, just typing that seemed super ambitious. How about for now, I focus on the next level of the contest which is competing at the Division level. There I'll compete against the winners of the 5 other area contests in our division. That's a bit intimidating for me because I know that the quality of competition will be so much better.
I was pretty happy with the response that I got from the audience. During the speech, I noticed people teary eyed, others smiling, and yet others giving me 'way-to-go' nods. I was really surprised at the way the speech was affecting people. I guess for an inspirational speech that's the kind of response I want, right? So i'm happy about that. Plus I got my first kewl little trophy for Toastmasters! I'm stoked about that!
Afterwards, me and my friends that came to support me all went out to Claim Jumper for a celebratory lunch. Fun times! It meant so much to me that they came and saw me but also that they celebrated with me afterwards.I noticed later that day that it triggered weird feelings in me from my elementary years about the times that I was always sad when my parents missed out on awards nights or events or concerts or competitions that I was involved with. I was always wanting to make them proud but whenever I did well enough to be recognized, my family never got to see it and so I always felt like they never knew my real potential. I guess in many ways, I've felt that way most of my life. Hmm...maybe that's one reason why I'm an overachiever.....I'm still trying to make other people proud as if to validate myself. (Whoa, wasn't expecting that thought!)
So where was I? Oh, so I was very happy that these friends of mine came out to demonstrate their support. It really meant so much to me! (Thanks guys!)
Dana recorded our speeches and created an mp3 file of my speech for me. Even though I may be happy with the response I got from others about my speech, the perfectionist in me isn't so happy with hearing myself. After hearing the audio of it, I realize that I paused a lot during the speech. Some times, it was because of dramatic effect but other times it was because I was trying to remember the prepared speech. I know that I have much more work to do before the Division contest in two weeks. There are lots of places in the speech that can use some polishing up. I debated about whether or not I wanted to post the audio of the speech here for you to hear. I guess I'm doing it but just keep in mind that i'll be practicing much more. Plus, i've only been in Toastmasters for less than a year. =)
Either press the play button below or right click the link and 'Save As' to download the mp3 file:
Right Click Here to Download the Speech
Below is the text of the speech too in case you'd like to follow along. I don't think i'll be revising it too much for the next phase of the competition. I chose a topic for this contest that I could speak from my heart about. The message of "Connect and Affect" is one that I have been trying to live out myself while at the same time encouraging others to do the same. Hope you find it helpful and inspirational!
"Connect and Affect" by Eric Leocadio
Speech Delivered at Toastmasters' Area E-2 Contest in Long Beach, CA
April 7, 2007
Good morning - Toastmasters, distinguished guests, friends and family.
It was the Summer of 2006. I was in San Francisco for the first time and I had this bright idea of finding the Golden Gate Bridge all by myself. I drove around without a map. I just figured that I’d follow the signs to the “GG Bridge”. It seemed simple enough. I saw the bridge in the distance and headed toward it. I thought to myself, “I should be a tour guide! This was so easy!” I saw a pier with a really great view so I had my photo taken with the bridge prominently featured behind me as I posed like Superman after just conquering an incredible task.
I was so excited to show the picture to my friends and tell them about what a cinch it was to find. Then a friend told me, “Hey Superman, I hate to be the one to tell you this but – the Golden Gate Bridge – it’s orange not blue.”
You're kidding me! I was SO sure! I was telling everyone that this was the Golden Gate Bridge when it was actually the Oakland Bay Bridge! I was shocked and embarrassed.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m expected to be this red-caped super hero leader who knows exactly where we ought to go, but much of the time I feel like a Clark Kent stumbling through life just trying to figure out how to matter.
The prospect of changing the world can be overwhelming. So who am I to attempt such a feat? The vision is too lofty and the world is too big. I’m no Superman! I can’t do it alone. I need you! We need each other! We may not be able to change the entire world but perhaps we can simply strive to affect our own personal world – the place we live and the people we come in contact with. Together, we need to become the very heroes for which we cry out. We can be a community of heroes - simply trying to help in what ever way that we can.
Can you imagine what it could be like to see a formerly fragmented community working together towards a common cause greater than them? Imagine a community of such diversity that began to understand one another.
We can reinvent our world. How? With a campaign to connect and affect. We can be the catalyst for our community by bringing people together and developing meaningful relationships in meaningful ways.
Connect and affect.
We can start by investing in the relationships we have now. If we honestly nurture meaningful relationships among our own personal social circle by finding ways to regularly connect with them, then we will begin to establish history with each other and trust for one another. As we earn trust, we earn the privilege of speaking into each other’s lives. Thus, we are presented the opportunity to mutually affect one another.
While investing in the relationships we have today, we can also invest in our community. We live in cities that have needs. Why shouldn’t we serve those needs? We are citizens. It is our home. Let’s consciously and intentionally connect with our neighbors and local organizations, work to identify their needs, and find ways to mobilize support for them. We can take advantage of the opportunity to affect our community.
Once a month, I enjoy gathering a group of friends to participate in a 30-minute beach clean up with about a hundred other volunteers. There are men and women, fathers and mothers, children and dogs, school groups and youth groups – all coming together with a shared desire for a cleaner beach. It’s a fun way to see my neighbors!
We may not achieve the level of historical impact as heroes like Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony. Some of us may not even be able to find the Golden Gate Bridge without getting lost! But as we connect and affect with each other and with our community, we are making a difference!
Imagine what you could do in your city! Gather some friends together and adopt a street or beach to maintain. Help a widow by mowing her lawn or painting her home. Partner with a storefront business and sweep up their sidewalk. Be a mentor or tutor for a single-parent child. Feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, love the lonely or care for the sick.
Maybe we can’t change the entire world. But we CAN change our own personal world - our family, our circle of friends, our communities, and our city. A hero is just a regular person who acts upon the belief that he or she can contribute to this world.
Take off the glasses, Clark. YOU are Superman.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Collision at Work
So a crazy thing happened at the job Thursday morning. I was the first one in to work and began my routine of opening up the office. I turned off the alarm, turned on the photo copy machines, turned on the lights, turned on my computer, went to the front and opened the window blinds, unlocked the front door, stepped outside to grab the newspaper, went to the back of the office where the staff lounge is and sorted out the newspaper while preparing my morning oatmeal and banana.Then I heard a car crash. We've had car accidents in front of our building before so I thought no big deal. Then I heard a second and much louder crash.
Uh oh. That didn't sound normal.
I left the staff lounge, turned the corner, and looked into the front office where I was just two minutes before when I unlocked the front door and opened the blinds. Lo and behold, I saw a steaming blue volvo where the front wall and door used to be.
Apparently two cars collided which sent one of them smashing through our front lobby. My desk faces the front door behind a counter. Had I been sitting at my desk, I would have looked up and saw this car heading straight at me! I can only imagine the shock of what it would have been like. Fortunately, I was neither at my desk nor in the front lobby at the time.The funny thing is that when the fireman said that he was sorry that this had to happen at my work place, I told him that this was nothing compared to the kind of craziness that normally happens in this office.
There is way too much drama at work!
Monday, April 02, 2007
Beyond Ex-Gay and the Survivor's Conference
Today marks the launch of a new web site called Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg). It was started by my friends Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke as an on-line community for those who have survived ex-gay experiences.Yours truly also has the honor of being featured in April's question of the month: What sort of ex-gay experiences have you had? You can read my response on this page. (I'm third down on that page).
Next month's question is: How has a book, movie or web site helped you in your ex-gay recovery process? I encourage you to submit a response on this page.
bXg has also partnered up with Soulforce and the LBGT Resource Center at the University of California in Irvine (UCI) by hosting the Survivor's Conference on June 29-July 1, 2007 here in Southern California. It'll be an interactive, community-building conference featuring the powerful stories of those who have had ex-gay experiences, but now understand that their sexual orientation or gender identity can be lived in ways that are loving and life-affirming.Peterson Toscano will be performing his show "Doin' Time in the Homo Nomo Halfway House" for FREE and there will also be a FREE concert by Jason & deMarco. It's going to be awesome! I've already registered for the conference. I encourage you to do the same. Click here or also here for more info about the Survivor's Conference and to register.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Ointment Special Report: Ex Gay Movement
This is absolutely hilarious! It's funny to think that I was Side X - just less than two years ago!
My favorite one-liners from this: "I've conquered hunger." and "You should taste his potstickers, they are so good!"
ROFL. Enjoy . . . .
My favorite one-liners from this: "I've conquered hunger." and "You should taste his potstickers, they are so good!"
ROFL. Enjoy . . . .
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Peterson Toscano on The Montel Williams Show
My friend Peterson Toscano was in Los Angeles doing a taping of the Tyra Banks Show several weeks ago and I got to spend a tad bit of time reconnecting with him. We were both exhausted on that particular day prior to meeting but i'm sure we're both happy that we got to see each other again. I truly respect the man that he is and the calling and message that he's been given. I relate with him on so many levels and at the same time I learn so many other things from him that I didn't understand before at all!
After hanging out with Peterson, I took him to the airport. He was on his way to New York to do the taping of the Montel Williams Show - a clip seen below. He articulates his story so well - it inspires me to strive to do the same. In fact, it's because of him that i've been entertaining the idea of becoming more public about my own personal journey and testimony of being both gay and Christian.
Peterson talks more about his experience on the show and about some things that didn't air on the show. Click here to read about it.
Here's a great clip from the show:
After hanging out with Peterson, I took him to the airport. He was on his way to New York to do the taping of the Montel Williams Show - a clip seen below. He articulates his story so well - it inspires me to strive to do the same. In fact, it's because of him that i've been entertaining the idea of becoming more public about my own personal journey and testimony of being both gay and Christian.
Peterson talks more about his experience on the show and about some things that didn't air on the show. Click here to read about it.
Here's a great clip from the show:
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Casual Authenticity
So I finally came out to my gym trainer tonight.
Yeah! Remember a couple weeks ago (two blog posts ago) when I said I almost told him that I'm gay? I had a training session with him tonight. The door for me to tell him opened up and I decided to walk through it.
I think he might have suspected. Over the past few weeks, I noticed that he seemed to be inquiring a little when ever I mentioned "a friend". I wouldn't normally think anything of his inquiries because it's typical for the two of us to talk during my session about what's going on in our lives. I'm sure that after two years of me never talking about girls or football whenever he did gave him some kind of clue. But in recent weeks, he seemed a little different when he asked. He didn't do it in an offensive kind of way at all. Rather, he was pretty casual about it, but there was a hint of hesitancy when he tried to get a little more context when I talked about "a friend" . . . .
In most circumstances, I really would be talking about "just a friend". But maybe recently he got the sense that maybe I wasn't just referring to "just a friend" and was actually talking about someone a bit more than that. Could he tell? Did it show on my face? Was I flush whenever I mentioned him? I was probably thinking it but maybe he picked up on the fact that this time I meant "special friend".
Normally, my paranoia would kick in because I'd try extra hard to look straight. I'd panic at the very idea that I might possibly look like I was gay. In recent months, however, that paranoia has diminished as I strive to be intentional about my authenticity.
So as we began my work out session, we started to talk about each other's weekends. He talked about the fireman's test that he took and about his fatigue from the 5 mile run that he did earlier today. I talked about my friend that was visiting from Virginia.
I had told him about this visit two weeks ago when he asked me if I had any plans for Valentine's Day weekend. I wanted to tell him then that this was a friend that I was kinda sorta dating. But how would I tell him? By the way, I'm gay. And my friend visiting - actually, it's a guy I met online and we've never met. But we're kinda dating. And, oh yeah, we met through a gay Christian Web site.
How would I bring up this sort of thing without defending myself by explaining all kinds of context? Gosh, given only the facts, he'd think I was some kind of weirdo who routinely went on blind dates with online people. That wasn't exactly the impression I wanted to give him of me, the gay community, the Christian community, or even the gay Christian community.
So anyway, I missed my opportunity two weeks ago and just gave him the impression that "a friend" was visiting and we were just going to hang out. Yeah, I chickened out. So at the time, he proceeded to tell me about his break up with his girlfriend and that he had nothing special planned (anymore).
Tonight, I told him that my weekend was full of spending time with "my friend" visiting from out of town. And that's when he began to inquire further. Not too much, just a single question looking for context.
"Soooo . . . . was this . . . . a good friend of yours . . . . visiting?" he asked hesitantly. I remember thinking that he had a weird look on his face. He wasn't looking me in the eye so it didn't seem like one of his typical casual questions just to have conversation. He was fishing for something - much like the sense that I had been getting the past few weeks.
Here it comes.
While doing the exercises he was instructing me to do, I told him, "Actually, we're kinda interested in each other." I panted between words trying to cover up my own hesitation in saying the words by trying to come across casual and out of breath. I said it matter-of-factly because I was hoping that his reaction would mirror my own casualness.
He responded in kind with the same sense of casualness. Interestingly, he reiterated the fact that he and his girlfriend are still officially broken up and that he is currently "done with girls" for now so that he can focus on other things. He actually said, "I'm so tired of the drama with them!" (No, i'm not reading too much into this! He said the exact same thing two weeks ago before knowing about me and when he first told me that he and his girlfriend broke up.) So no, i'm not hoping or thinking that he's gay or bi. He's still very much straight, I think.
I tried to observe to see if he felt awkward or uncomfortable. He couldn't exactly react with hositility towards one of his best clients! So he didn't make an issue out of it and we both carried on with the training session just like we always have in the past.
But I could tell he was thinking about it. Or at least, my own insecurities let me think that he was pondering me. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh! I just came out to him!", repeating in my head over and over.
Funny thing is that I tried to butch up my workout even more. I did every exercise he told me to do with 110% effort because I wanted him to see that this new information about me doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to train hard and that I'm no different from any of his other male clients.
So now that he knows that I'm interested in some guy, maybe he'll eventually feel comfortable asking about "it" more - "it" referring to either the gay thing or the long distance interest thing. This opens the door for me to be casually authentic now. Now i don't have to be silent when he's talking about his own romantic interests. It'll be interesting to see if this becomes something we don't talk about or if he begins to feel comfortable talking about these kinds of raw talks.
What can I say? He asked for it!
Yeah! Remember a couple weeks ago (two blog posts ago) when I said I almost told him that I'm gay? I had a training session with him tonight. The door for me to tell him opened up and I decided to walk through it.
I think he might have suspected. Over the past few weeks, I noticed that he seemed to be inquiring a little when ever I mentioned "a friend". I wouldn't normally think anything of his inquiries because it's typical for the two of us to talk during my session about what's going on in our lives. I'm sure that after two years of me never talking about girls or football whenever he did gave him some kind of clue. But in recent weeks, he seemed a little different when he asked. He didn't do it in an offensive kind of way at all. Rather, he was pretty casual about it, but there was a hint of hesitancy when he tried to get a little more context when I talked about "a friend" . . . .
In most circumstances, I really would be talking about "just a friend". But maybe recently he got the sense that maybe I wasn't just referring to "just a friend" and was actually talking about someone a bit more than that. Could he tell? Did it show on my face? Was I flush whenever I mentioned him? I was probably thinking it but maybe he picked up on the fact that this time I meant "special friend".
Normally, my paranoia would kick in because I'd try extra hard to look straight. I'd panic at the very idea that I might possibly look like I was gay. In recent months, however, that paranoia has diminished as I strive to be intentional about my authenticity.
So as we began my work out session, we started to talk about each other's weekends. He talked about the fireman's test that he took and about his fatigue from the 5 mile run that he did earlier today. I talked about my friend that was visiting from Virginia.
I had told him about this visit two weeks ago when he asked me if I had any plans for Valentine's Day weekend. I wanted to tell him then that this was a friend that I was kinda sorta dating. But how would I tell him? By the way, I'm gay. And my friend visiting - actually, it's a guy I met online and we've never met. But we're kinda dating. And, oh yeah, we met through a gay Christian Web site.
How would I bring up this sort of thing without defending myself by explaining all kinds of context? Gosh, given only the facts, he'd think I was some kind of weirdo who routinely went on blind dates with online people. That wasn't exactly the impression I wanted to give him of me, the gay community, the Christian community, or even the gay Christian community.
So anyway, I missed my opportunity two weeks ago and just gave him the impression that "a friend" was visiting and we were just going to hang out. Yeah, I chickened out. So at the time, he proceeded to tell me about his break up with his girlfriend and that he had nothing special planned (anymore).
Tonight, I told him that my weekend was full of spending time with "my friend" visiting from out of town. And that's when he began to inquire further. Not too much, just a single question looking for context.
"Soooo . . . . was this . . . . a good friend of yours . . . . visiting?" he asked hesitantly. I remember thinking that he had a weird look on his face. He wasn't looking me in the eye so it didn't seem like one of his typical casual questions just to have conversation. He was fishing for something - much like the sense that I had been getting the past few weeks.
Here it comes.
While doing the exercises he was instructing me to do, I told him, "Actually, we're kinda interested in each other." I panted between words trying to cover up my own hesitation in saying the words by trying to come across casual and out of breath. I said it matter-of-factly because I was hoping that his reaction would mirror my own casualness.
He responded in kind with the same sense of casualness. Interestingly, he reiterated the fact that he and his girlfriend are still officially broken up and that he is currently "done with girls" for now so that he can focus on other things. He actually said, "I'm so tired of the drama with them!" (No, i'm not reading too much into this! He said the exact same thing two weeks ago before knowing about me and when he first told me that he and his girlfriend broke up.) So no, i'm not hoping or thinking that he's gay or bi. He's still very much straight, I think.
I tried to observe to see if he felt awkward or uncomfortable. He couldn't exactly react with hositility towards one of his best clients! So he didn't make an issue out of it and we both carried on with the training session just like we always have in the past.
But I could tell he was thinking about it. Or at least, my own insecurities let me think that he was pondering me. I remember thinking, "oh my gosh! I just came out to him!", repeating in my head over and over.
Funny thing is that I tried to butch up my workout even more. I did every exercise he told me to do with 110% effort because I wanted him to see that this new information about me doesn't change the fact that I'm willing to train hard and that I'm no different from any of his other male clients.
So now that he knows that I'm interested in some guy, maybe he'll eventually feel comfortable asking about "it" more - "it" referring to either the gay thing or the long distance interest thing. This opens the door for me to be casually authentic now. Now i don't have to be silent when he's talking about his own romantic interests. It'll be interesting to see if this becomes something we don't talk about or if he begins to feel comfortable talking about these kinds of raw talks.
What can I say? He asked for it!
Monday, February 19, 2007
A Moment To Catch My Breath
Since I haven't posted all that much in the past several weeks and so much has been going on, I figured i'd take this holiday (President's Day) off work to catch my breath and write you an update with some snapshots into what's been going on in my world. There are some new photos in the filmloop so feel free to check them out!
I've had people ask me about how things are going with Catalyst. Unfortunately, i've been on hiatus with it because i've been preoccuppied with so many other things. I'm still excited about the vision and the work in the community that i want to do. It's just that there are some preliminary things that I want to do before actively and visibly doing things in the community. Those preliminary things will require a good chunk of dedicated time. That's not something that I have an abundance of since I've been doing so many other things with family, friends, work, and romance . . . .
I've had some fun times with my family the past two months. At the end of January, my brother and sister-in-law had a reaffirmation wedding ceremony. They were married 10 years ago in South Korea because my brother was in the Air Force and so they never had a ceremony with all of the friends and family. I had the honor of being a groomsman, reading a Scripture verse during the ceremony, and giving the blessing at the reception. Last week, my family got together again for my mom's birthday. Then, this past weekend, we got together again for my niece's birthday. I don't show photos of my family online but you can see a couple pics of me looking spiffy in a tuxedo! =)
During the Super Bowl weekend, I hung out with some of my good buds. We spent time hanging out in the jacuzzi, playing Settlers of Catan, watching a movie, going hiking in the San Bernardino mountains and going out to eat. Fun times and beautiful mountains!
I'm excited for an upcoming speech contest with Toastmasters. Some time in March I'll be competing in our local club contest. The winner continues to advance through several levels that ultimately reach the international conference. I don't imagine i'd get that far but i'll certainly do my best! I've been working towards my Certified Toastmaster (aka Competent Communicator) distinction too. I gave my fifth of ten speeches in January and i'll be giving my sixth one this next weekend.
Work has been crazy busy with significant levels of drama and office politics. There's alot going on. Whatever. Good news though, back in December, I submitted a request to have my job position reclassified since the work that I actually do more accurately fits in with a position that pays alot more. After several months, they finally approved it! This means my salary will be more! Unfortunately, they didn't give me retroactive pay. =( But i'm still thankful to God for His provision! Me and my co-workers also unionized so we're about to enter into bargaining negotiations for a contract. I hope that goes well.
I've resumed my workouts with my personal fitness trainer at the gym. In 2005, I had him for six months and lost about 32 pounds. I've since gained much back and i'm pretty insecure about my body image. I've got the trainer for the next five months so hopefully in June, i'll be looking hot! Hehe.... I've also decided that i'm going to run and finish the 2008 Los Angeles marathon. I'm not a trained distance runner. However, over the next year, i'm hoping to get in shape and train for it properly. Some other friends of mine will be doing it too. My buddy is actually running this year's marathon on March 4th so i'll be there to support him. I'm figuring that training for a goal like being able to run a marathon will get me fit and healthy and the hotness will be a bi-product of it - as opposed to me constantly going to the gym out of a sense of insecurity. I think i can do it though!
I've been developing some good friendships with people from GCN. Some are at a distance and some are local. I'm happy about some of them relocating to Southern California and even here in Long Beach in the next few weeks! I'm hoping to continue encouraging a sense of community among local GCN people. We've had a few gatherings recently and there are more planned in the coming future. I'm thinking about starting a group - not really a Bible study, but more like a Christ oriented group that discusses things practically and walks with each other through things. We'll see how it develops. Unfortunately, i've been a poor friend with some of my other good friends and I haven't stayed connected with them as much as I know I should be. I'm so sorry!!!!
Remember that book that I was excited about? It was Jason Illian's "Undressed". I was going to post my comments about the book and some other friends were going to read it too. LOL, sadly, i must report that I haven't been able to get past the first chapter. I was excited about it in the beginning. And after reading the excerpts inititally I thought it'd be really interesting and really different. Maybe it is as a whole, but after reading the first chapter, I just kept getting frustrated. It's not that I disagree with anything he's written (so far), it's just that either i've heard it all before or i've had the thought myself ages ago and i've moved on with my life past the idea. I dunno, i guess i was just hoping for something fresh and refreshing. I know other people are liking it. Actually Jayson tells me that he got as far as the fourth chapter before he started disliking it. But in the first chapter, i'm reading the kinds of things that I taught to the youth group kids years ago. So on numerous occasions, i found myself saying out loud, "well, duh!" Anyway, I don't disagree with what he says. It's just that to me, it's not that original. I know, i'm being super critical of it and judging it based solely on a single chapter - but hey, that's what you get if your first chapter doesn't keep someone's attention! (That's gonna bite me in the a$ some day when it comes time for me to publish my own books.)
Maybe i'm just at a point in my life where I'm done with academics. I'm done with reading about dating. I'm done with reading about church and church models. I'm done with reading about theology and perspectives. I'm done with reading about Jesus. I want to experience Jesus. I want to live out my faith. I want to explore what it looks like to be the church - to be a gay Christian - to be in love. I want to engage the conversation about practical things. I'm so done with cheesy churchian catch-phrases and paradigms. I'm not afraid of making mistakes so long as i'm learning from the journey along the way. Jesus is still my Teacher regardless of whether or not people judge me for not attending the traditional classroom.
Last but certainly not least, and on a related subject, I wanted to tell you about a guy i've been getting to know. I like him. He makes me smile. And he lives on the other side of the country! Hehe, i know, it's not like i was looking for a long distance kind of a thing. Does anyone? It's just that . . . . sometimes, things just happen. I'm fond of him. He knows that. And we're just taking things one step at a time. It's not like I know what i'm doing here (and you know how I feel about learning about this kinda stuff from a book). I'm just following my heart and I'll see where it takes me. We've been talking for just about two months now. This past weekend, he came to visit and we met for the first time. It was so wonderful to spend time together! (He slept at a different location than I). So the past several days, we saw lots of Southern California! There's a few photos of us in the filmloop. He is sooo cute and I enjoy his brown eyes and his smile. Every once in a while, he'll have this particular look on his face that makes me melt! And he thinks i'm gorgeous? *grin* - even as I am now before my personal training is done!
I'm still discerning how much about him i'd like to share with you on this blog - i'll explore that with him. My family got to meet him and they like him and tried to make him feel welcome. I mentioned his arrival to a couple people at work and they were supportive. More and more, i'm journeying through what it looks like to be comfortable being me - gay and Christian in every context.
The journey is a fun adventure! I just have to remember to take a moment to catch my breath.
I've had people ask me about how things are going with Catalyst. Unfortunately, i've been on hiatus with it because i've been preoccuppied with so many other things. I'm still excited about the vision and the work in the community that i want to do. It's just that there are some preliminary things that I want to do before actively and visibly doing things in the community. Those preliminary things will require a good chunk of dedicated time. That's not something that I have an abundance of since I've been doing so many other things with family, friends, work, and romance . . . .
I've had some fun times with my family the past two months. At the end of January, my brother and sister-in-law had a reaffirmation wedding ceremony. They were married 10 years ago in South Korea because my brother was in the Air Force and so they never had a ceremony with all of the friends and family. I had the honor of being a groomsman, reading a Scripture verse during the ceremony, and giving the blessing at the reception. Last week, my family got together again for my mom's birthday. Then, this past weekend, we got together again for my niece's birthday. I don't show photos of my family online but you can see a couple pics of me looking spiffy in a tuxedo! =)
During the Super Bowl weekend, I hung out with some of my good buds. We spent time hanging out in the jacuzzi, playing Settlers of Catan, watching a movie, going hiking in the San Bernardino mountains and going out to eat. Fun times and beautiful mountains!I'm excited for an upcoming speech contest with Toastmasters. Some time in March I'll be competing in our local club contest. The winner continues to advance through several levels that ultimately reach the international conference. I don't imagine i'd get that far but i'll certainly do my best! I've been working towards my Certified Toastmaster (aka Competent Communicator) distinction too. I gave my fifth of ten speeches in January and i'll be giving my sixth one this next weekend.
Work has been crazy busy with significant levels of drama and office politics. There's alot going on. Whatever. Good news though, back in December, I submitted a request to have my job position reclassified since the work that I actually do more accurately fits in with a position that pays alot more. After several months, they finally approved it! This means my salary will be more! Unfortunately, they didn't give me retroactive pay. =( But i'm still thankful to God for His provision! Me and my co-workers also unionized so we're about to enter into bargaining negotiations for a contract. I hope that goes well.
I've resumed my workouts with my personal fitness trainer at the gym. In 2005, I had him for six months and lost about 32 pounds. I've since gained much back and i'm pretty insecure about my body image. I've got the trainer for the next five months so hopefully in June, i'll be looking hot! Hehe.... I've also decided that i'm going to run and finish the 2008 Los Angeles marathon. I'm not a trained distance runner. However, over the next year, i'm hoping to get in shape and train for it properly. Some other friends of mine will be doing it too. My buddy is actually running this year's marathon on March 4th so i'll be there to support him. I'm figuring that training for a goal like being able to run a marathon will get me fit and healthy and the hotness will be a bi-product of it - as opposed to me constantly going to the gym out of a sense of insecurity. I think i can do it though!
I've been developing some good friendships with people from GCN. Some are at a distance and some are local. I'm happy about some of them relocating to Southern California and even here in Long Beach in the next few weeks! I'm hoping to continue encouraging a sense of community among local GCN people. We've had a few gatherings recently and there are more planned in the coming future. I'm thinking about starting a group - not really a Bible study, but more like a Christ oriented group that discusses things practically and walks with each other through things. We'll see how it develops. Unfortunately, i've been a poor friend with some of my other good friends and I haven't stayed connected with them as much as I know I should be. I'm so sorry!!!!Remember that book that I was excited about? It was Jason Illian's "Undressed". I was going to post my comments about the book and some other friends were going to read it too. LOL, sadly, i must report that I haven't been able to get past the first chapter. I was excited about it in the beginning. And after reading the excerpts inititally I thought it'd be really interesting and really different. Maybe it is as a whole, but after reading the first chapter, I just kept getting frustrated. It's not that I disagree with anything he's written (so far), it's just that either i've heard it all before or i've had the thought myself ages ago and i've moved on with my life past the idea. I dunno, i guess i was just hoping for something fresh and refreshing. I know other people are liking it. Actually Jayson tells me that he got as far as the fourth chapter before he started disliking it. But in the first chapter, i'm reading the kinds of things that I taught to the youth group kids years ago. So on numerous occasions, i found myself saying out loud, "well, duh!" Anyway, I don't disagree with what he says. It's just that to me, it's not that original. I know, i'm being super critical of it and judging it based solely on a single chapter - but hey, that's what you get if your first chapter doesn't keep someone's attention! (That's gonna bite me in the a$ some day when it comes time for me to publish my own books.)
Maybe i'm just at a point in my life where I'm done with academics. I'm done with reading about dating. I'm done with reading about church and church models. I'm done with reading about theology and perspectives. I'm done with reading about Jesus. I want to experience Jesus. I want to live out my faith. I want to explore what it looks like to be the church - to be a gay Christian - to be in love. I want to engage the conversation about practical things. I'm so done with cheesy churchian catch-phrases and paradigms. I'm not afraid of making mistakes so long as i'm learning from the journey along the way. Jesus is still my Teacher regardless of whether or not people judge me for not attending the traditional classroom.
Last but certainly not least, and on a related subject, I wanted to tell you about a guy i've been getting to know. I like him. He makes me smile. And he lives on the other side of the country! Hehe, i know, it's not like i was looking for a long distance kind of a thing. Does anyone? It's just that . . . . sometimes, things just happen. I'm fond of him. He knows that. And we're just taking things one step at a time. It's not like I know what i'm doing here (and you know how I feel about learning about this kinda stuff from a book). I'm just following my heart and I'll see where it takes me. We've been talking for just about two months now. This past weekend, he came to visit and we met for the first time. It was so wonderful to spend time together! (He slept at a different location than I). So the past several days, we saw lots of Southern California! There's a few photos of us in the filmloop. He is sooo cute and I enjoy his brown eyes and his smile. Every once in a while, he'll have this particular look on his face that makes me melt! And he thinks i'm gorgeous? *grin* - even as I am now before my personal training is done!I'm still discerning how much about him i'd like to share with you on this blog - i'll explore that with him. My family got to meet him and they like him and tried to make him feel welcome. I mentioned his arrival to a couple people at work and they were supportive. More and more, i'm journeying through what it looks like to be comfortable being me - gay and Christian in every context.
The journey is a fun adventure! I just have to remember to take a moment to catch my breath.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Accepting The Whole of Me
[Note: Scroll down to read the lyrics as you listen to Jadon Lavik's "What If" on YouTube.]
I was *this* close to coming out to my gym trainer tonight.
We were in the elevator after completing my workout and he asked if I had big plans for Valentine's Day. Sigh. It would have been a perfect opportunity to talk about the "guy" that i'm interested in. But I chickened out. My trainer and I have gotten to know each other quite a bit. In 2005, I was with him for a six month stretch (helped me lose 32 pounds), then for another two months that year. Even through 2006, we'd chat every now and again. Now i've secured his help once again for another six months. And I still haven't come out to him.
Do I need to tell him? Does he need to know? Hmm. Well, the thing is - we've been getting to know each other. Why shouldn't I want him to know me authentically . . . .
Over the past several weeks, i've been many things. I've been a groomsman. I've been a brother. I've been a son. I've been an uncle. I've been a friend. I've been an ass. I've been a jokester. I've been a slob. I've been a snob. I've been a stereotype. I've been a romantic. I've been a loner. I've been a photographer. I've been a speech writer. I've been a host. I've been a hiker. I've been a client. I've been a blimp. I've been a guest. I've been a room mate. I've been a stranger. I've been a savior. I've been a punk. I've been a fool. I've been a student. I've been a teacher. I've been an example. I've been a consultant. I've been a counselor. I've been a closet-case. I've been a basket-case. I've been a leader. I've been a disciple. I've been a seat-warmer.
Of the many things that i've been over the past several weeks, I've been learning to accept that who ever I am at any given moment and in any given context, it's okay. . . . It's simply okay. I can own it unapologetically because the truth is that I am not any one of those things. I am all of those things. And so even though I may fall short in some respects or I may disappoint someone or I may fail to meet another's expectations or standards - I am learning to live out the simple idea that God loves the whole of me. Further, He accepts the whole of me. And if I believe that - or at the very least, if I say I believe that - then I also have to accept the whole of me. If I can accept me, then perhaps I can begin to present myself to the world authentically.
"Coming out" isn't about telling my gym trainer that I'm gay. For me, coming out is more about living an authentic life. It starts with me being okay with me - along with all my strengths, short comings and insecurities. Then it is genuinely expressed in my interaction with others. The key, I think, is that it doesn't matter if those others are "okay with me". Their acceptance of me doesn't govern whether or not i'm okay with me. But at least they know me and we can move forward from there.
The scariest part of trying to be authentic is the vulnerability of transparency. I am still afraid of what certain people would think of me if they knew the "real" me. But it's not just being afraid of what they think. I'm also afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid of what I could lose. And yet, imagine what I could gain!
At the end of the day, i'm still very much a work in progress. And that's okay. I'll come out to my gym trainer when i'm ready. Maybe you'll come out to certain others when you're ready. I don't think everyone necessarily needs to know. Unless, that is, if I want them to know. Perhaps, learning to accept myself as I am will help me to accept you as you are and we will accept each other as we are.
On my journey, I don't simply want to know myself. I want to accept myself. I've got a ton of insecurities just looking in the mirror. I can't afford to be paralyzed by them. I've been silent too long. I've been timid too long. I just want to move forward so that I can live my life, love my God, cherish my family, comfort my beloved, appreciate my friends and honor my heroes.
I wanted to share with you this super awesome incredible song that my good friend Josh shared with me. It's one of my new favorite songs! (Hehe, so of course every time I get a new favorite song, I've gotta share it with you, right?! - See my YouTube video index in the right column!) I think the song is "absolutemente fabuloso"! (Josh has been teaching me tidbits of spanish.) The YouTube video is just pictures so read through the lyrics below it as you listen to the song:
"What If" by Jadon Lavik
From the album Moving On Faith
What if I climbed that mountain
What if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?
What if I were everyone’s first choice
What if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh
What if I ignored the hand that fed me
What if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less?
Lord would You love me less
What if I were everyone’s last choice
What if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before
then would you love me less Lord would you
would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
You do, You do, You do
What have I done to deserve Your son sent to die for me?
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold on to
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
I’m in awe of You,
I’m in awe of You.
The way You love me, the way You do
The way You do, the way You love me, You love me, You love me
The way You do, the way You do, the way You love me
The way You love, You love, You love
I was *this* close to coming out to my gym trainer tonight.
We were in the elevator after completing my workout and he asked if I had big plans for Valentine's Day. Sigh. It would have been a perfect opportunity to talk about the "guy" that i'm interested in. But I chickened out. My trainer and I have gotten to know each other quite a bit. In 2005, I was with him for a six month stretch (helped me lose 32 pounds), then for another two months that year. Even through 2006, we'd chat every now and again. Now i've secured his help once again for another six months. And I still haven't come out to him.
Do I need to tell him? Does he need to know? Hmm. Well, the thing is - we've been getting to know each other. Why shouldn't I want him to know me authentically . . . .
Over the past several weeks, i've been many things. I've been a groomsman. I've been a brother. I've been a son. I've been an uncle. I've been a friend. I've been an ass. I've been a jokester. I've been a slob. I've been a snob. I've been a stereotype. I've been a romantic. I've been a loner. I've been a photographer. I've been a speech writer. I've been a host. I've been a hiker. I've been a client. I've been a blimp. I've been a guest. I've been a room mate. I've been a stranger. I've been a savior. I've been a punk. I've been a fool. I've been a student. I've been a teacher. I've been an example. I've been a consultant. I've been a counselor. I've been a closet-case. I've been a basket-case. I've been a leader. I've been a disciple. I've been a seat-warmer.
Of the many things that i've been over the past several weeks, I've been learning to accept that who ever I am at any given moment and in any given context, it's okay. . . . It's simply okay. I can own it unapologetically because the truth is that I am not any one of those things. I am all of those things. And so even though I may fall short in some respects or I may disappoint someone or I may fail to meet another's expectations or standards - I am learning to live out the simple idea that God loves the whole of me. Further, He accepts the whole of me. And if I believe that - or at the very least, if I say I believe that - then I also have to accept the whole of me. If I can accept me, then perhaps I can begin to present myself to the world authentically.
"Coming out" isn't about telling my gym trainer that I'm gay. For me, coming out is more about living an authentic life. It starts with me being okay with me - along with all my strengths, short comings and insecurities. Then it is genuinely expressed in my interaction with others. The key, I think, is that it doesn't matter if those others are "okay with me". Their acceptance of me doesn't govern whether or not i'm okay with me. But at least they know me and we can move forward from there.
The scariest part of trying to be authentic is the vulnerability of transparency. I am still afraid of what certain people would think of me if they knew the "real" me. But it's not just being afraid of what they think. I'm also afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid of what I could lose. And yet, imagine what I could gain!
At the end of the day, i'm still very much a work in progress. And that's okay. I'll come out to my gym trainer when i'm ready. Maybe you'll come out to certain others when you're ready. I don't think everyone necessarily needs to know. Unless, that is, if I want them to know. Perhaps, learning to accept myself as I am will help me to accept you as you are and we will accept each other as we are.
On my journey, I don't simply want to know myself. I want to accept myself. I've got a ton of insecurities just looking in the mirror. I can't afford to be paralyzed by them. I've been silent too long. I've been timid too long. I just want to move forward so that I can live my life, love my God, cherish my family, comfort my beloved, appreciate my friends and honor my heroes.
I wanted to share with you this super awesome incredible song that my good friend Josh shared with me. It's one of my new favorite songs! (Hehe, so of course every time I get a new favorite song, I've gotta share it with you, right?! - See my YouTube video index in the right column!) I think the song is "absolutemente fabuloso"! (Josh has been teaching me tidbits of spanish.) The YouTube video is just pictures so read through the lyrics below it as you listen to the song:
"What If" by Jadon Lavik
From the album Moving On Faith
What if I climbed that mountain
What if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?
What if I were everyone’s first choice
What if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more?
Would you love me more?
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do, why You do
I’m in awe of You, ooh
What if I ignored the hand that fed me
What if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less?
Lord would You love me less
What if I were everyone’s last choice
What if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before
then would you love me less Lord would you
would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
You do, You do, You do
What have I done to deserve Your son sent to die for me?
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold on to
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
Why You do
You say I belong to You apart from the things I do
You say I belong to You I’m in awe of why You do
I’m in awe of You,
I’m in awe of You.
The way You love me, the way You do
The way You do, the way You love me, You love me, You love me
The way You do, the way You do, the way You love me
The way You love, You love, You love
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