Not Good Enough

Why can’t I just be good enough?

Over the past two weeks, it seems like there was a recurring theme among friends or people I know. That theme was entitled, “Reasons why I don’t like Eric, why I’m not happy with Eric, or why Eric isn’t good enough.”

As if I didn’t have my own insecurities to answer those questions myself, I have to hear it, sense it or realize it from others? I can’t win . . . .

Last week I felt that a local GCN’er was attacking my leadership. I took it very personally and our conflict escalated to the point of needing a friend to mediate. We ended up reconciling earlier this week but it still revealed that he was quick to assume the worst of me. Am I the kind of person that makes it easy for people to think ill of me? Am I wrong in thinking that I’m generally a good person to follow?

Over the busy weekend, I had a conversation with someone I had been kinda seeing (in a way) several months ago. We’re friends now and everything is fine but because circumstances had changed since the last time we decided it was best to just be friends, I inquired if he still had residual feelings for me. He responded by saying that he was content with just being friends. Now don’t get me wrong, I totally value his friendship and I’m not at all suggesting that I want more than that. Really, it doesn’t! I know we’re not “a match”. But in responding to me, he didn’t actually say whether or not he still had feelings for me (which led me to assume that he didn’t) and he didn’t give me any other indication as to why. When we decided to simply be friends, he went through a season of indicating that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Now he’s dating and it just leaves me wondering, ‘why wasn’t I good enough?’ Am I wrong in thinking that I’m a catch?

On Sunday night, I had a phone conversation with a friend (who is interested in me, as it turns out). I was frustrated because I felt like he was judging me for not “going to church”. Boy, now that was definitely poor timing to have that conversation with me. That day, I was dealing with someone attacking my leadership, I was reminded by a former interest that there is no longer interest, it was a long weekend of being around people, and I had just found out that my uncle died. After a day like that, this friend wanted to tell me that I wasn’t keeping the Sabbath holy because I didn’t “go to church”. I felt like he was attacking my spirituality – my walk with Christ, my faith. Clearly, he doesn’t understand nor share my paradigm of “Church”. Am I wrong in thinking that my faith is not measured by my attendance at a Sunday service but rather by the state of my heart on a daily basis?

Yesterday two friends of mine thought it necessary to tell me about things they didn’t like about me in the past. Granted, it was all in fun and in jest and it came from a place of comfortable friendship. I know, this one seems like a small issue but one of the friends (whom I love and I consider a close friend!) told me that he wasn’t fond of one particular photo of me that I had been using as an avatar. I recently changed it and that’s when he thought it was safe to tell me that he really didn’t like that other picture. LOL, I know it’s silly and I’m okay with his statement on the surface, but I kinda liked that picture of myself (that’s why I used it) and so I was left wondering what else do people not like about me that they are just holding back? Another thing that this friend told me was that last year he thought I was a phony simply because I gave him a hug goodbye even though we hadn't talked to each other during the conference we were at. Can't I give strangers hugs? Does that make me phony? I thought the hug itself was a friendly gesture but apparently, at the time, it wasn't enough!

The other friend (who lives in another state) told me that he didn’t like me last year because I neglected him at a conference but from my recollection, I was connecting with him in some ways and also being friendly. I know they are both my friends now, and that’s what’s important. I also know that these two friends have a tendency of being a bit "catty". They were just judging me unfairly. But it causes doubt in me and makes me wonder if I have this false perception of myself of being a nice guy or a decent looking guy or that I’m a generally likeable guy and I’m simply oblivious to the fact that I’m not?

What’s the deal here? Why can’t I just be good enough?

Don’t worry, I’m not completely a basket case over all this. My self-esteem isn’t entirely dependent on what other people think of me. But I’ve got to be honest with the fact that other people’s opinion of me as a person and of my character does shape my self-esteem. The perception of rejection does feed my insecurities.

At the end of the day, I believe in the power to choose. I can choose to either have a tough skin, a sensitive heart, or a broken spirit about all of these things. I’m trying to approach it all with humility but can’t we do all this after my uncle’s funeral?

No Pictures of Uncle Ray

It's been a crappy week. And I feel like running away.

There were several times at work when I would get choked up or I would start to tear. This Saturday is my uncle's funeral. I'll be seeing my family and I'll be missing the ECWR conference that I had been planning to go to.

I was realizing the other day that I don't have any pictures of my uncle. That made me sad because one of the reasons why I've always liked taking pictures of people in my life (as opposed to taking pictures of scenery or objects) is because I honestly don't know how long i'll be around this Earth. I've had that sense for many years now. So in a way, i've been wanting to photo document the people in my life - all the people I love and care about. Anyway, I realized that I had no pictures of my uncle and that made me cry . . . .

When I think about my uncle, I know that he's lived a long and full life. Most of my memories of him are with my aunt (his first wife) who just passed away a few years ago. They were married for a long time - at least over 50 years! Eventually, after her death, my uncle remarried someone else. It was actually kinda sweet and romantic. They met each other while learning to ballroom dance at the local community center. At a ripe old age - the two were in their mid-seventies - they got married.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. I suppose that at that age, you kinda know and expect that some day the love of your life and lifetime companion will pass away. Can you imagine the heartache that would cause? So now, my uncle falls in love twice and chooses to get married again. That's kind of sad yet courageous because there's a very strong possibility that the person he fell in love with will die - again. I don't know if I can do that twice - to fall in love only to see them die.

So anyway, I respect my uncle for doing that. He must have known that life was too short - or rather, he knew that he didn't have many more years left. He took the risk of being hurt and allowed himself to fall in love again and to get remarried. He was happy.

I'd like to be happy.

Besides all of the emotional energy that grieving requires, there's all kinds of other stuff going on in my life that makes me just want to leave town. Literally. I'm thinking about taking the day off from work on Friday and going away somewhere. I could be back in time for the funeral. I'm not sure if i'll actually take the day off, but I really would like some down time.

I Have Not Yet Begun To Grieve

My sister called me Sunday (yesterday) afternoon and informed me that our uncle passed away this last Friday. He was my father's older brother. We knew he was sick but the death was unexpected.

There will be a viewing on Friday but i'm not sure if i can take the time off from work. The funeral is Saturday. He'll be buried. The family will get together afterwards.

Last week was a pretty rough week. I felt pretty beat up as it was with various things happening - good and bad and fun and crazy and frustrating and stuff. In fact, I've been meaning to write a new blog post as I've been overdue for almost two weeks. I was hoping it'd be a different kind of post because there's been a ton going on. But i'll write another one soon!

The weekend was redeeming though, and I was able to connect with many GCN'ers locally. Gay Christian Network's vision is to build a Christ-centered community of LBGT believers. As the GCN Southern California regional leader and facilitator, I'm just trying to do the best that i can to help. I know i can't do everything and I can't please everyone - and i'm surely not perfect. But i can only try and hopefully people will find a way to connect.

The sucky thing is that even with all the awesome things happening with GCN in Southern California, I felt like someone in particular was attacking my leadership style last week. That pisses me off because it seems from everyone else that I'm doing a fine job. I'm doing something right. I think. (I'll need to listen to Siena and Toast's podcast and hear their thoughts about handling criticism.) Today, we've got a friend serving as a third party mediator between us because we weren't able to reconcile on our own. I'll admit that I had feelings of resignation at moments last week - even before finding out about my uncle. But i've found my friends to be encouraging and uplifting. Thank you!

But the news of my uncle's death is new to me.

I have not yet begun to grieve.

Survivors Speak: Daniel and Claire

Hot off the presses! My friends Daniel and Claire, who went to the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference with me two weekends ago (see pics here) and crashed at my place, just had two of their soon to be famous YouTube videos posted.

The first is of their YouTube debut being goofballs and telling a story about their road trip adventures! It's hilarious when you compare it to their second video (more serious) of the interview they did during the conference.

In their interview piece with BeyondExGay.Com and Soulforce, they both share about their experiences of reconciling faith and sexuality, helping others through it, and also the value of meeting others and hearing stories at conferences like these. I'm very impressed with both of them and I'm so proud to call them friends! They present themselves as articulate and the message I love in it is that "we are not alone".

The first video is for laughs. The second video is for tears. I love these guys!

Road Trip Adventures:



Survivors Speak: Daniel and Claire

My Ex-Gay Survivor Story

My name is Eric Leocadio. I am an Ex-Gay Survivor.

To say that I wanted to be straight is an understatement. I knew that I was gay since I was 9 years old. Even at that early age, I knew how socially unacceptable it was for me to like other boys my age. It was never anything I had to figure out. I simply knew that I was gay and no one could know.

By the time I reached my freshman year in high school, I tried to kill myself. I was a teenager and the message that I received for so many years by my friends, my family, my classmates and myself, was that I was not acceptable because I was gay. I looked in the mirror and I hated that guy. So I wanted to die . . . .

I was tired of feeling rejected. I was tired of feeling different. I was tired of feeling like no one really knew who I was because there was a part of me that had to stay a secret. The closet is a lonely place.

I was 14 years old when I cupped both my hands together, filled them with pills (asprin, Tylenol, and such), swallowed every one, and washed them down with water. Then I fell asleep. Three hours later I woke up in complete regret as I began the process of having my body involuntarily spew out the contents of my stomach. I vomited for several minutes, divinely timed, from 7:00 PM through 5:00 AM every hour on the hour on the dot. These were grueling sessions with what I refer to as my “porcelain punisher”. I experienced 10 hours of bile-filled hell. After living through this, I wanted to die!

I didn’t tell anyone at home what I had done. No one would have taken me to the hospital. So God, before I knew Him, pumped my stomach for me. I realized, then, that He wasn’t done with me yet.

I survived, in pain, my own suicide.

I eventually became a Christian when I was 16 years old. I grew in faith and in my knowledge of God and I embraced a Church family and Church culture that I desperately wanted to be a part of – to be accepted by. This was a culture that valued heterosexuality as prime and superior. To come out as anything but straight would have been social suicide. And I was a part of this culture. For over 12 years, I believed, taught, and advocated that it was a sin to be gay. My only outlets of expressing my sexuality were limited to those things done in secrecy. This further fractured my sense of self as I maintained a dualistic life – one lived in public light and the other lived in private darkness.

I had pleaded with God to change me. I had pleaded with God to forgive me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve made some mistakes. I have done things that I regret. But you cannot develop a healthy sexuality in the secret places. I explored my sexuality in unhealthy ways, without the input of my spiritual community because talking about it would have meant revealing the secret that I was gay. And the Church isn’t so good at talking about its own taboo secrets.

I decided that I needed help so I participated in ex-gay programs of Desert Stream Ministries. For roughly two years from 2002-2004, I was a part of their informal support groups called Cross Current. In 2004, I completed their six month program called Living Waters designed to assist people with their “sexual and relational brokenness”. At the time, I believed along with them that homosexuality was a form of brokenness. I thought that I was broken. They told me that embracing a heterosexual value system was needed in order for my restoration and wholeness.

After spending several hundred dollars and countless hours in the ex-gay program, I graduated still believing that being gay was a sin and that being straight was the ideal. Unlike so many others who have survived traumatic experiences from programs like these, I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t exit the program terrorized. Perhaps, it was because I bought into their notion that I may have to live with being gay for the rest of my life but that there were tools that I could implement to suppress my homosexuality so that I could outwardly present myself as straight – as ex-gay.

Over the years, I used to participate and sometimes lead prayer groups against the gay community. But while praying these things to God, at the same time He spoke back to me over a period of months asking me two things: Why are you praying against a people that you don’t even know? Why are you praying against them when you are one of them?

God led me to realize that I really didn’t know gay people because out of my own shame I avoided them. He also challenged my hypocrisy. I realized that I couldn’t own my beliefs that it was wrong to be gay. I believed such things because that’s the only thing I was taught. So in 2005, I began my own personal journey of allowing my two dualistic worlds to collide, to enter what I call the “hot zone” – that place of conversation where the issue of faith and sexuality and God are no longer the taboo subject.

I invested countless hours in prayer – but this time it wasn’t for God to make me straight but rather it was for God to show me His heart for gay people. I spent time in the Scriptures and studied, for myself, the passages that referenced homosexuality and also looked at the Bible as a whole and in context with this newer lens. I began to meet gay people absent of any conversion agenda. I wasn’t going to convert anyone to be either straight or Christian. My intention was simply to get to know people and to build genuine relationship. What I found changed my paradigm.

I discovered that God was present in the gay community. I previously assumed in error that it was full of darkness but I discovered that God was among them. I met friendly gay people who loved God and/or wanted to learn more about Him. I met gay Christians with a genuine faith. I met gay people who were actually having spiritual conversations in coffee shops, bookstores, clubs, bars, and in restaurants. I met gay people who affirmed a lifestyle of commitment and monogamy and faith.

Being a witness to these things opened a can of worms for me. I saw God among the very people that the Church interpreted to be unclean. Great! Now what? What does this mean for all of my previously held faulty assumptions about gay people and their place in the Church? I was wrong. I had to change my paradigm based on what God was revealing to me. I realize how hard this is for people (like me) who had been so confident about such assumptions about gay people. It requires humility. The truth is that since God is present and working and moving and touching, there is light within the gay community and I discovered that it was indeed possible to live a lifestyle of genuine faith in God within the context of being a gay person. So I reconciled my faith and my sexuality.

I acknowledged that I am a gay Christian.

I chronicled my journey on this blog at Two World Collision. It served as an outlet for me to process my raw thoughts. I received incredible feedback, including countless emails from people around the world who were relating with what I was journaling. As I shared my story and as we discovered each other, suddenly, we weren’t alone anymore. There was someone else somewhere out there that understood. Over the past two years, I’ve received a global readership with over 61,000 hits to the blog. There’s been a kind of community that has developed, as I’ve been increasingly willing to be vulnerable with my story.

I have since realized that ex-gay programs and the mainstream Church presents a mixed message to people like me. They tell us that God loves us unconditionally but that the Church will conditionally accept us as long as we conformed to their interpretation of “wholeness”. It is this mixed message that leaves people with a difficult choice: to renounce their sexuality or to renounce their faith.

These are the casualties of ex-gay programs.

The truth is that we are a part of God’s Church. Regardless of whether or not the Church would accept us as part of itself, God has accepted us through our faith in Christ.

It’s okay to come back.

As an ex-gay survivor, I know what it’s like to be in a spiritual climate hostile to my sexuality. I survived suicide. I survived my own attempts to manipulate my identity. Now I’ve found peace and healing through authenticity.

I may not be perfect but I am whole.

I’ve made difficult decisions in my life. I’ve done things that I regret. However, my character is not defined by the mistakes I’ve made but instead by the lessons I’ve learned.

There is a difference between being gay and expressing one’s sexuality in unhealthy ways. Both gay and straight people are fully capable of making poor decisions. The issue is not about whom we should love but rather it is about how we should love.

As a community of people who value God, faith, and each other, whether gay or straight, let’s explore what it looks like to love better.

Watch my YouTube video story on my time with the Ex-Gay Program here.

Learning to Speak Out

I'm mentioned in this month's issue of Blade!

I was honored to have been interviewed by this SoCal newsmagazine, circulated throughout Orange County, Long Beach, and Los Angeles. It was for an article featuring my local Toastmasters club called Speak Out! Toastmasters. You've seen me post about them before and possibly even seen photos of things we've done. The article is entitled "Learning to Speak Out" by Thomas Soule.

Well the article finally came out in this month's July 2007 issue of the magazine. I was surprised to see that I was quoted quite a number of times in the article (accurately, even).

I don't think the Blade has a Web site with its content on there so I scanned the pages of the magazine and uploaded them to Catalyst's server. (I also scanned the front cover of the magazine and put it at the end of the file - I thought some of you may appreciate that.)

So you can read the article in a pdf file - simply click the link below to download it!

http://www.catalystlb.org/LearningToSpeakOut_BladeJuly2007.pdf

Girl Meets Girl

I finally got a chance to listen to Siena and Toast's podcast called Girl Meets Girl. I was honored to have been mentioned in their June 28, 2007 broadcast (#20 Vegetarianism) towards the end as they talked about homosexuality and the Bible. Check it out!

Their music as Makena is very soothing - one of the reasons why I like them. But I found that I also enjoyed listening to them speak on their podcast. Their voices are so sweet and their hawaiian accents make me reminisce about my elementary years when I lived in Hawaii on Oahu.

They make me feel . . . .

Comfortable. At ease.

They are beautiful gals with beautiful hearts and I look forward to getting to know them more through their podcast as well as in person. They are down to earth and they embody that "aloha spirit".

I'd appreciate it if you'd check them out at Girl Meets Girl. Also, help them out by voting for them at podcast alley so that they can be ranked higher. There is a "vote" link on their page over on the right side.

So today is the Fourth of July, Independence Day for us in America, which means holiday! Makena will be performing at Old Tony's (a restaurant) in Redondo Beach tonight so if you are in Southern California, be sure to check them out. I'll be checking my schedule to see when I can come and see some of their upcoming shows. =)

As I write this, i'm hungry so in honor of Siena and Toast, I think i'll go around the corner to Shakka Hawaiian BBQ and grab lunch! Happy Independence Day!

UPDATE: I just bought Makena's latest CD from iTunes! It's awesome! Go get it....

News Feature on Advocate.Com

So last week, I went to a press conference in LA held by BeyondExGay.Com and Soulforce where three former Exodus leaders issued a formal apology for the roles they played in ex-gay programs. They also promoted the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference which was held this past weekend. I'll be posting soon about my experiences at the conference, along with some pics. But until then, I thought I'd share with you the article that was written that includes the interview I did for The Advocate.

It was posted on their web site at Advocate.Com as a News Feature. Not sure how long it'll stay there but it's featured on the home page of the site too. Check it out!

Reading my own name and some of my story in other media outside of TWC is kinda weird. But I learned a ton of valuable stuff about sharing one's story with others (as well as the Press) at this weekend's conference. In the Advocate article, a few of the things I said were paraphrased or slightly misquoted but the jist of my point was communicated for the most part. In my last post, I talked about the interview and so that post articulates more clearly what I meant by certain things I said in the interview. Read that post again here.

Oh, LOL, the other thing that I thought was funny was that the article kinda sounds like I was in an ex-gay program to heal me for being a gay masturbator. ROFL! Okay, it doesn't say that EXACTLY (now i'm the one misquoting the interviewer), but it does kinda sound like that. Haha, whatever.....

I think i just outed myself.

I'm Sorry I Hurt You So Much

So my friends Peterson and Christine have been working like crazy over the past year (or more?) on putting together beyondexgay.com and planning the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference that is happening this weekend.

Today, there was a Press Conference at the Gay and Lesbian Center in Los Angeles, CA and I had the honor of being invited to be a part of it.

As reported by BeyondExGay.Com, "Three former ex-gay leaders issued public apologies for the roles they played in ex-gay ministries affiliated with Exodus International. They also shared portions of their personal stories. The event was covered by members of local and national news media including CNN and Azteca America."

I was honored to be among the ex-gay survivors who went up to receive and accept the apology letter. I was quite moved by the experience . . . .

After the Press Conference, we were all available for interviews. I was interviewed by the Advocate. I talked about my own experiences going through an ex-gay program. One of the things I shared with her (as well as with the reporter from the OC Weekly yesterday) was that I realized the mixed message that these ex-gay programs (and the Church) were giving me. The mixed message was that of God's unconditional love and the Church's conditional acceptance that was dependent on conforming to their interpretation or version of "wholeness".

God loves you. But we will ONLY IF you embrace heterosexuality. Even if you don't actually become straight, we want you to look straight (to us).

That's the kind of thing that fractures our identities. I mean, goodness, I attempted suicide before the ex-gay program because I hated being what I was. How much more damaging can it be after an ex-gay program affirms that self-hatred?

Oh but don't worry, at least God loves you.

They tell us when we enter the ex-gay program that we're broken because we're gay. I realized that instead, they were the ones who broke me further when they encouraged me to manipulate my personal and sexual identity.

Be straight. Or at least let me think you're straight.

Sorry! I can tell i'm getting bitter about all this! But that's why this Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is so important! People need to know how these programs can cause such trauma.

My journey now is about exploring authenticity. Discovering the real me. Loving and accepting the real me. Presenting the real me.

The experience at the press conference and accepting this apology from these ex-ex-gay leaders was surreal. I found that many emotions resurfaced from when I was desperate enough to try to be straight. I found myself close to crying when I shook hands and hugged them! If I can find the time to sit down and process things, i'll try to write up a blog to revisit some of those emotions.

In the mean time, please keep praying for me, the conference, and especially for Peterson and Christine as God continues to position them as a voice for "ex-gay survivors" like me.

Here's the text of the formal apology, as reported by Peterson:

Statement of Apology from Former Exodus Leaders
Issued by Darlene Bogle, Michael Bussee, and Jeremy Marks
June 27, 2007

As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong withvbeing gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations.

We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology.

We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long-term effects of their ministry.

Covering the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference

There has been WAY too much news going on that i'm excited about to properly keep up here at Two World Collision. I'll try to post as often as I can but this is going to be a crazy week!

I've got a ton of guests staying at my place this week. No, I actually do mean a ton of people. They are coming in gradually but by the weekend, i'll have 6-8 people staying at my apartment for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference. My buddy/room mate is so awesome to be okay with using our lil two bedroom apartment like a hostel. He's even gonna sleep elsewhere so that we can use his room! Plus, there will numerous GCN'ers getting together on Sunday afternoon after the conference. Stay tuned for pics of an awesome and full weekend!

So later today, I'm being interviewed by a local newspaper - the OC Weekly - to talk about my story as an Ex-Gay Survivor. Tomorrow, Wednesday morning, I'll be part of a press conference in LA for this weekend's conference. I'm just going to be available to tell my story in case anyone wants an interview. On Friday afternoon, prior to Peterson's show for the conference, there will be an authors' book signing event that i'm in charge of. It's with Mel White, Darlene Bogle, and Wayne Besen. I also received an email from someone from Here! (new Gay themed cable network) who may be interviewing me this weekend for some projects their network is doing regarding faith and sexuality. So we'll see how everything goes!

There is a ton going on for the conference, including some major press and media coverage. Check out everything that's going on at the Conference News Page. Something particularly interesting is an invitation to a private dinner that the Ex-Gay Survivors made to the Ex-Gay leaders. You can read it here.

There's so much going on right now here in Southern California with all of this. Will you please cover me and us and it all in prayer? Thanks!

Island Beauty

At this past Saturday's AIDS Walk Long Beach, I met these two super awesome gals named Siena and Toast - together they sing pop acoustic music and also hawaiian music. They are called Makena. I'm in love with them! They are beautiful and sweet - and also local.

I spent some good time talking with them during one of their breaks. I told them all about Gay Christian Network and Catalyst and Two World Collision. I haven't been back to Hawaii since I last left there after 6th grade. I lived there for pretty much all of my elementary years. It was refreshing to reminisce a lil' about being there!

Anyway, their music is so sweet! Some of their songs are in english, some are in hawaiian, some are both. I'm definitely going to get their CD and maybe check out some of their shows. My favorite song is called "Good Enough".

Be sure to check out their site at http://www.makenamusic.com. You can hear some music samples at http://myspace.com/makenamusic. They also have a podcast at www.GirlMeetsGirlPodcast.com. There, Siena and Toast, two Hawaii girls, talk about being gay, Asian-American, their music, relationship, day to day spirituality, and pursuit of happiness in California. They have giveaways, listener mail, and interviews, too. I'm hoping to interview them for a future Catalyst podcast!

I made a video clip of them doing Sixpense None The Richer's "Kiss Me" this weekend. They gave me permission to post it on YouTube. Check it out!

Karaoke Virgins

Okay, this one is just hilarious. My friends Steve and Jayson did Madonna's "Like a Virgin" on karaoke at a luau birthday party that we were at Saturday night.

I've gotta tell ya - with all the craziness going on the past several months (see post from last Thursday), these two buds have brought true comic relief in my life. I hang out with alot of people, connecting with various groups and different folks and its all fun. But whenever I hang out with Steve and Jayson, it's a guarantee that I will laugh like crazy. These two keep me grounded. These two make sure I don't take life so seriously. I really appreciate their friendship and consider them a true blessing.

For a good time, call Steve and Jayson at 1-900-555-.... *grin*

Hehe, Happy Birthday Jayson!

A Not So Average Brit

I understand being underestimated. I know what it feels like to have somebody take one look at me and be completely unimpressed.

He's young. He's old. He's gay. He's straight-acting. He's Christian. He's filipino. He's asian. He's a techie. He sees a fitness trainer. He's broke. He's stiff. He's a loner. He got his degree from THAT university.

Until, that is, when I begin to function within my element and, to their surprise, I absolutely kick ass! How do you like THEM apples!

I say that humbly, of course.

I was the guy who was picked last for basketball or football. I was the one who never made the cut. Perhaps this is why I love rooting for the underdog.

Behold, Paul Potts, a 36 year old average looking British cell phone salesman doing his rendition of Nessun Dorma in a talent competition that completely changed his world. According to IC Wales, he sang his first opera when he was 28 years old. And now hear him go!

It's not just his singing; it's his story that I find fascinating. Earlier this week, Matt Lauer interviewed William and Harry, the HOT british princes of Wales. But Paul is the Brit that inspires me. He's the hero.

Nutshell Hodge Podge Version of Things

So yeah, it's been a while since my last post and there have been a ton of things going on (as you can tell if you've checked out some of the filmloops in the right column). I'll fill you in on the nutshell-hodge-podge version of the past several weeks to give you an idea of how my life has been. I promise that I'll try to find some time to sit down and process some raw thoughts. (Hehe, as if you've been waiting for the juicy stuff, right?) In the mean time, my world has been both crazy and crazy busy.

Pretty much all of my weekends and numerous weekdays for the past several months have been jam packed with connecting with a variety of folks - friends, new friends, work events, community events, family and even a couple of dates here and there (but no, not that many) . . . .

There have been a couple of birthday dinners. I've gone out to the local karaoke bar a few times. I've gone out dancing at some clubs. I even went to an underground club in LA and it was soooo much fun! That night I danced non-stop, literally, from 2:15am - 4:00am. It was crazy fun! I went out to Palm Springs one evening. I went to a gay prom. I went to an awards dinner for work. I had my last sessions with my personal trainer at the gym. I saw a friend play in a wind symphony concert. I went hiking. I was interviewed by a gay magazine with regional circulation. I was interviewed for a podcast. With the help of a friend, I created a touched up audio recording of my "Connect and Affect" speech. I'll post that up some time. I went to a poolside BBQ party. I've had dinner in several people's homes. I've gone to the movies many times. I've gone to a couple dinner parties. I went to happy hour. I helped clean up the beach. I saw a friend's first photo exhibit. I helped coordinate a multi-time zone movie viewing of The Breakfast Club along with a local lunch time breakfast food potluck in LA. I went on a couple of dates. I crushed during some non-dates. I reconciled two friendships that were previously on the rocks. I went to Santa Barbara. I saw the Long Beach Pride parade. I saw the Los Angeles Pride parade. I played volleyball. I played tennis. I've been jogging. I got addicted to Facebook. I caught up on TiVo (but now i'm behind again because i've been doing all these things you are reading about now). I met with a financial planner. I've exchanged a couple messages with some Match.com guys. I've been connecting with the planners for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference. I accepted a volunteer position as the Gay Christian Network (GCN) Southern California Regional Group Leader and Facilitator. I applied to do a small group workshop at GCN's annual conference in January 2008 in Washington DC. I've talked with God.

So that was all the fun stuff.

The not so fun stuff includes some really horrible days at work for the past month. The Executive Director was fired. The internal politics at work flared up and the two factions started warring with each other. The keys to the building and the alarm code were changed. I didn't receive the new ones for several days (and i'm supposed to open the office in the mornings). A couple Board of Directors cussed each other out in the office in front of a member and all the office staff. There were protestors outside the office who eventually barged inside forcing themselves in the lobby area (where my desk is) and did the whole yelling and chanting bit. (They were protesting against the organization's president). I lost respect for many of them because of their tantrum-like bullying behavior. We were on the front page of the newspaper numerous times. Editorials were written about the organization. The tension in the office was so thick at times that you could slice it with a knife! On one day, I left work early after only being there two hours because of the tension. One co-worker in particular has been getting on my-last-nerve! There have been independent auditors in the building. The book keeper quit today of all days - the day that our payroll is processed so that we can get paid on Friday. There have been numerous members calling, emailing, and coming in wondering what the heck is going on because the president hasn't been communicating with them (or even the press) why they fired the Executive Director. So the press is only reporting one side of the issue. A controversial meeting was held to reinstate the Executive Director but there is still question in regards to that meeting's legitimacy. So the boss is back but it's way awkward. Is he really back? Is he really the boss? We're all caught in the middle.

On the flip side, we finally reached a tentative agreement on our employment contract in our bargaining sessions. Part of that agreement includes retroactive pay. I'm super stoked about that. What shall I do with that money, you ask? Why - pay for my MidWest vacation through five states that i'm taking with a friend at the end of August, of course! =) The Board of Directors votes to ratify our contract tomorrow. They better. Otherwise, we're ALL calling in sick!

Sigh.

Okay, i think that's it. That's all the craziness of my life the past couple months. In the next several weeks, i'll be attending the Ex-Gay Survivors Conference and helping with the book-signing table. I'll be seeing Peterson Toscano's awesome show along with Jason & DeMarco. I'll be going to a picnic in San Diego that i've helped put together. I'll be going to a hawaiian themed birthday party. I'll be participating in the Long Beach AIDS Walk. I'll be going to a single day of the Evangelicals Concerned Western Region Conference. I'll be having coffee with many people. I'll be having dinner with many people. Hopefully, i'll be going on some dates. I may go camping. I am definitely going to the movies to see Transformers, Harry Potter and Evan Almighty. Also on my radar is getting the Catalyst web site revamped and updated. I also want to prepare and video record my Ex-Gay Survivors story and also my vision for Catalyst. At the end of August, a friend and I are planning on touring St. Louis, MO, Louisville, KY (to support BeckyO in her Ironman triathlon), Indianapolis, IN, Chicago, IL, and Grand Rapids, MI. Fun times!

So the summer will be super jam-packed. Let's hope I can balance this introvert's social life with some alone time. Maybe then I can really blog and give you some of that raw juicy stuff that i've been thinking and processing about in this head of mine. Either way, thanks for keeping up with me and TWC!

Stay tuned....

Happy Birthday Christine!

Here's birthday wishes to my fabulous friend Christine! Hope you enjoy your day and know that you are loved! =)


If you remember me mentioning in a previous post about her, Christine is a key organizer for the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivors Conference at UC Irvine here in Southern California.

It's gonna be an awesome time of connecting with other people who have "survived" ex-gay ministries and also for those who understand the tension of being in a hostile climate towards the issue of faith and homosexuality.

I'm really looking forward to this conference. I've already registered for it. Consider registering for it too! =)

I Madonnari Festival 2007

While in Santa Barbara this weekend, me and some pals checked out the I Madonnari festival and saw some really incredible chalk art. Check them out in the film loop below. Click on 'Watch the Show' for the larger screen version.

Be sure to check out my other film loops in the top right column of this blog!

Free Hugs in Santa Barbara

I spent the Memorial Day Weekend with some pals in Santa Barbara, CA and we saw a guy, Jerry Matteo, giving out free hugs as part of the Free Hugs Campaign. I gladly gave him a huge hug and thanked him for what he's doing.

Jerry is a hero!

I thought it was so cool to actually see someone doing it. I first heard about it and posted it in a previous post here.

I've since discovered Free Hugs all over the world:

Free Hugs in Venezuela
Free Hugs in Korea
Free Hugs in Amsterdam
Free Hugs in Tel Aviv
Free Hugs in China
Free Hugs in Italy
Free Hugs in Paris
Free Hugs in Tokyo



And also Free Hugs in Hollywood:



Why not Free Hugs in Long Beach, CA?

Soldiers Who Journey

Back in high school I had every intention of joining the military. I was going to be a psychologist in the U.S. Air Force. I was in JROTC for all four years of high school and I was slated for getting into Senior ROTC at a university, becoming an officer and serving this country and its service men and women by helping them process through whatever it is they are journeying through.

God had different plans for me.

By the time I had graduated, I began a different path - one that eventually led me here. The path God had laid out for me was not one of journeying with those in the military. Instead, it was one of journeying with those processing through personal conflict and tension and collision between faith and sexuality. A completely different kind of war all together.

I'm learning that before I can help anyone journey, it's important that I first endure my own personal battles. It's still hard. But at least I know that the war isn't fought alone.

I agree with John over at Average Gay Joe. Today is not a day for politics. It is a day to remember. It is a day to honor. It is a day to acknowledge that at the end of the day, there is always a cost - for any war.



Song by Avril Lavigne - "Keep Holding On". Click here for lyrics.

Stories that Build Bridges and Relationships

This past Saturday night was the first time I brought some of my gay and straight friends together for an intentional time of informal worship, sharing of stories, and (of course) potluck. The idea was to provide a context where I could bring together some of the relationships I've been developing in different circles and safely introduce them to each other for the purpose of getting to know one another better.

So we packed in 25 people into my little apartment, hung out and had our fill of potluck dinner and goodies. Then we had three people (lesbian, straight, gay) share their stories with the group . . . .

For each person that shared, the group had an opportunity to ask questions of the person for the purpose of getting to know that person better. Then as a community, we verbally honored the person by expressing our love, acceptance, and affirmation for him or her. Then we all prayed for that person before hearing the story of the next person.

It was a really awesome time! Bianca, Polin, and Shawn shared their stories and we had a wonderful opportunity of getting to know their hearts, passions, journeys, and stories. The really awesome thing was that the focus wasn't on sexuality. It was discussed in the context of a person's story, but the main focus was always on our growing relationship with Christ and how we are living a lifestyle of worship and community.

As we concluded, we were encouraged to continue connecting with one another by being intentional about nurturing healthy relationships with God, people of the same gender, other genders and also healthy romantic relationships.

My goal for hosting this evening was to elevate the conversation beyond the gay-straight issue and to help build bridges through genuine relationships. It is my belief that through relationships we can shatter paradigms and stereotypes. I take an organic approach to mostly everything so I wasn't planning on making this an "event" or "program" with a "name". I prefer to allow relationships the freedom to drive what we do next. So afterwards, several people talked about doing similar evenings like these in their own homes and inviting their different circles of friends. This is great because I encouraged people NOT to depend on me to keep doing this but rather to own the vision themselves. So next time, it'll be in someone else's home and we'll have different people sharing their stories.

I've got some of the after-pics in the filmloop section at the top of the right column of this blog. Check them out! I didn't want to violate the atmosphere of what we were trying to do by trying to document it with photos. So there aren't any photos during our time of sharing stories, but there are pics of some of the GCN'ers that hung around afterwards. =)

The Other Half of the Whole of Me

[Note: Scroll down for Jay Brannan's YouTube video of "String-a-long Song" and lyrics.]

Sometimes I feel like I can't say certain things here at TWC. Yeah, I know, it's my own fault. Along this journey of mine, I voluntarily traded my anonymity for my authenticity. Yet in that process, I guess it just makes me want to hold back a bit because blogging isn't just an outlet anymore - it's a place for me to be known. And that's kinda scary.

I did hate being in the closet. I hated the double life. I hated being hidden. I hated the fact that no one knew what was going on in my head. I felt unknown. Maybe that's why some people's coming out experience is so extreme - the clubs, the dancing, the drinking, the expression of formerly shackled emotions and the freedom from inhibitions. If coming out is an announcement of self, then here I blog . . . .

But I feel like I've been holding back the past several months. When I first started this blog, I was pretty raw with my thoughts and emotions along this journey. Over the past several months, I'll admit that I've talked more about vision and community and passion and less about personal heart ache, struggle and vice.

There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. I'm juggling quite a bit and i'm honestly not complaining. I feel alive, at least. I remember when I didn't feel anything at all. That's for another post. Today, in the midst of crazy busyness of connecting with people, casting vision for the community, rekindling plans for my non-profit Catalyst, hosting another social gathering tonight, and getting ready for Long Beach (GLBT) Pride tomorrow, I feel inspired, excited and full. But if i'm wanting to be fully authentic with you, that's not ALL that i'm feeling. I'm also feeling alone, frustrated and kinda angry. I'm not a basket case. That's just the other half of the whole of me that I sometimes unconciously keep in the closet.

I'm a new fan of Jay Brannan (thanks to Drew!). I find that I relate with his lyrics at some level. I like him because he's raw. I miss being raw. And for this day, his "String-a-long Song" articulates how i've been feeling for the past several months but have intentionally held back from here before. He starts with a bit of personal intro and announcement (which I love when he does that in his videos) then the song follows. Here ya go....




"String-a-long Song" Music & Lyrics by Jay Brannan

to the boy who should've loved me
from the boy you could've had
i promise not to send this letter
i wouldn't want you to feel bad
for not opening your heart to me
for your unavailability
i guess you're not required to like me
but did you fake it just to spite me?

pre-chorus
well, here's a little string-a-long song for you
so give up your pride, your past, your pain, your fear of intimacy, and string-a-long with me too

chorus 1
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
although your disinterest kinda came as a surprise cuz
you could see the sin and the sadness and taste the gin and the madness
on my lips and in my eyes, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end

well, the flake syndrome is an epidemic that spans the globe from town to town
but i can't figure out why you'd put forth such an effort to win me over just to turn me down
cuz your words are so soft and sweet, but your actions are screaming
and if you see me waiting around for you,
hope you also see you're dreaming

pre-chorus

chorus 1

bridge
i know you'll break my heart
i know i'll fall apart
i know cuz this is how it starts
and maybe it's wrong of me
to wish that we could be
but your kiss matched mine so perfectly

pre-chorus

chorus 2
thanks for leading me on, but this time i'm gonna be strong
i wish you weren't too scared to speak your goodbyes cuz
the truth is i wish you well, thanks for saving me from hell, i owe you one of the few i got left of my nine lives, well
i can't help that i want to see you again
but it takes two to start a string-a-long song and only one to make it end

© 2004 Great Depression Publishing (BMI)